The Love Boat (1977–1987): Season 2, Episode 7 - Ship of Ghouls - full transcript
(Jack Jones' "The
Love Boat" playing)
♪ Love ♪
♪ Exciting and new ♪
♪ Come aboard ♪
♪ We're expecting you ♪
♪ And love ♪
♪ Life's sweetest reward ♪
♪ Let it flow ♪
♪ It floats back to you ♪
♪ The Love Boat ♪
♪ Soon will be
making Another run ♪
♪ The Love Boat ♪
♪ Promises something
For everyone ♪
♪ Set a course for adventure ♪
♪ Your mind on a new romance ♪
♪ And love ♪
♪ Won't hurt anymore ♪
♪ It's an open smile ♪
♪ On a friendly shore ♪
♪ It's love ♪
♪ Welcome aboard It's love ♪
Well, it sure looks
like Halloween to me.
If you were really
in the spirit, doctor,
you would have supplied
us with a genuine skeleton.
Right, I'm sure you could
dig one up somewhere.
I'm sorry, but there are
no skeletons in my closet.
I was once married
to an old bat, though.
Good joke, Doc.
Hey, a woman's
gonna jump overboard.
What? Come on.
There she is. Miss.
Miss, wait a minute. No.
It's okay. We've got you.
Let's just talk this over
calmly and rationally.
Talk what over?
My daughter was
taking my picture.
We thought you were
jumping overboard.
At these prices?
Just a moment, young man.
I'd like to speak
to your parents.
Bobby. Hey.
What's going on?
Your son has a pretty
active imagination.
Bobby, have you
been telling lies again?
Whoppers.
BOBBY: Well, it looked like
she was gonna jump
overboard, sort of.
But your dad doesn't think so.
Yeah, well, he's
under a lot of pressure.
It's not easy being a spy.
Hey.
I'm really sorry. It's, ah...
It's just a phase
he's going through.
I'm not a child psychologist,
but when a kid lies,
there's usually a reason.
Yeah, I guess there is.
Well, thank you very
much. Come on, Bobby.
Thank you.
Hey, you guys, I'm
sorry that I'm late.
But this is my friend
Karine Williamson.
She's gonna be sharing
my cabin in this trip.
Hello. Hi.
Hello. How are you?
Karine, this is Adam
Bricker, our ship's physician.
And this is Gopher Smith.
Our ship's condition.
I'd better get to work, okay?
Work? Gee, I thought
you were just another
fun-loving passenger.
Excuse me, Freddie,
would you please
show Miss Williamson
to my cabin?
Thank you.
I'll see you later.
KARINE: All right.
What a knockout.
She could be a model.
She was, until about a year ago.
Then she was in this
car accident and...
She's perfect for me.
Perfect for you?
I got dibs on her.
GOPHER: Wait a minute.
Guys.
You're gonna have
to go easy, okay?
She's had some
really bad breaks.
And on top of it all, her
boyfriend walked out on her.
Great.
Now, come on, she's
here to spend time with me.
Julie, I've always
enjoyed your company.
I have been
neglecting you lately.
Bye.
(both sigh)
Well, aside from our
Halloween costume ball,
I have hired the world's
greatest illusionist,
The Amazing Alonzo.
Who?
The Amazing Alonzo.
He's an illusionist.
He uses a form of mass hypnosis.
He can make people
see things that aren't there.
He's incredible.
Oh, I remember him
from TV years ago.
Is he still around?
Yes, and we've got him.
I guess you couldn't
get Pinky Lee, hmm?
I have a terrible feeling
this is a big mistake.
Let's go back home.
You'll be fine. Believe me.
But I haven't appeared before
an audience in three years.
What if nothing works?
It will work. I know it.
You are the Amazing Alonzo.
The best.
Oh, Ramona, what
would I do without you?
Doc, Doc, Karine
is closer to my age.
She needs the guidance
of a mature mind.
Mature?
You mean twisted. Senile.
Senile? Senile.
The years have taken their toll.
Ah, there he is now.
Oh.
Welcome aboard. I'm
Captain Merrill Stubing.
Delighted to be here. Yes.
Hello. Oh, hello.
Oh, this is Ramona,
the love of my life.
Charmed. I've been boasting
about you all morning.
Oh, would you consider
doing a small illusion?
Just to whet our appetites?
Oh, well, really, I'm...
I'm really not
quite prepared to...
Oh, please, just a small one.
Well, I... Really, I...
GOPHER: Don't think it's gonna
be easy cutting me out this time, Doc.
My dear boy, cutting you out
comes under the
heading of minor surgery.
Well, you certainly
know about that.
What now?
I'm sorry, sir.
I just introduced them
to a friend of mine,
and now they're behaving
like two jackasses.
Well, if they're
behaving like jackasses,
perhaps they
should be jackasses.
Do you observe? Do you observe?
BRICKER: I'm gonna
have you put below decks
in chains and you'll never see
any of these lovely
ladies again. Jackasses.
You're not gonna
put me anywhere.
I run all the decks around here.
You're just a lackey,
as far as I'm concerned.
(both laugh)
You run. You run
scared, you run.
Donkeys on my ship?
What happened to Doc and Gopher?
Well, sir, I always told
you they had it in them.
I get the feeling
people are staring at us.
It's me. When you've
got it, you've got it.
How did you do that?
Now, let's continue this
discussion in my office.
Oh, did you see that?
Well, I told you he
was magnificent.
You must have a drink with us.
I'm one of your biggest fans.
I've never missed
one of your TV shows.
Well, thank you. Thank you.
Oh, you're marvelous.
Come along.
Did you ever see
anything like that?
I have never seen
anything like that.
(foghorn blows)
(Jack Jones' "The
Love Boat" playing)
Hey, where were you?
You missed the
confetti-throwing.
I, ah, felt like staying here.
Well, you didn't come on
this cruise to sit in a cabin.
Let's go grab our bathing
suits and go up on deck.
Oh, Julie, (sobs)
how can I go anywhere
looking like this?
Karine.
Karine, you look fine.
Tell that to the photographers.
They haven't exactly
been calling lately.
I guess I expected a
miracle from plastic surgery.
But they did all they could.
Paul was expecting one too.
Paul, yeah.
Well, he's a real lightweight.
He's not worth
your little finger.
I had a life.
And suddenly, that
life has disappeared.
Then you just
make a different life.
Now, come on.
It's Lido Deck time.
Oh, Julie, couldn't we just...?
No, we can't.
I'm sorry, but I'm
the cruise director.
Now, move it.
(both laugh)
JULIE: It's okay.
Honey, you want anything?
A drink?
No, thank you.
I can order a sandwich.
Hmm?
Everything's just fine.
Boy, look out for this sun.
You know how easy you burn.
I will.
Listen, put some of
that lotion on just in case.
Don't. What?
Don't try so hard.
I know.
I'm sorry.
It wasn't easy splitting up
and it's not gonna be easy
getting back together
again, I know that.
We'll be okay.
What are we gonna
do about Bobby?
Sweetheart, you have to realize,
the year we separated was twice
as hard on him as it was on us.
We'll... We'll just
have to be patient.
Isaac, a man is killing a lady.
What?
He's strangling her.
Where?
Listen, you guys,
that was really dumb.
Well, it looked like
he was choking her.
Sort of.
We were just having fun.
Well, it was no fun for me.
I can't understand why
you've never made a movie.
Well, the studios
keep begging me to,
but nobody's come up
with the right script yet.
Well, you know,
with my special talent,
I have to be very particular.
You should be.
But when you do make a movie,
I'll definitely go to see it.
Well, you don't have to.
You have me right
here in person.
(all laugh)
Alonzo, you were
gonna meet me in the bar.
Oh, yeah.
You remember my
associate, Ramona.
Oh, yes. Hello.
I'd like to speak to
you for a moment.
Oh, certainly. Certainly.
I'll see you on the Lido Deck.
Don't be long.
No, no.
Before, I was the
love of your life.
Now I'm your associate.
I am your fiancée.
Oh, but of course, my love.
But when the fans think
of me as unattached, it...
Well, it helps the fantasy.
Theirs or yours?
(chuckles)
I've always loved
your sense of humor.
(Jack Jones' "The
Love Boat" playing)
JULIE: Karine.
Hey, don't be so self-conscious.
You look great.
Hi, Julie.
Hi. Oh.
Ah, Karine.
Say, I've been going over
the seating
arrangements for dinner,
and unfortunately,
I've only been able
to get you a table for two.
Ha, how about that?
It's the same table I'm at.
Thank you, but...
Thank me later. During dinner.
He likes you.
How long do you think
he'd like me if he saw this?
Karine, it's just a scar.
You're making much
more of it than it really is.
I bet you could take
that scarf off right now
and nobody'd even notice.
You're gonna have
to do it some time.
( tender theme playing)
WOMAN: It's not
Halloween until tomorrow.
Karine.
Boo.
Karine. Karine.
Alonzo. Yes, sir.
I hate to be a taskmaster,
but you were hired
to perform, you know.
Well, yes, I-I was
just contemplating
the object of my
next demonstration.
Oh.
Oh, Alonzo, there you are.
Yes. Would you do
an illusion, please?
Well, there are a lot
more important things
than mere illusions.
You can do it.
Yes, I know I can.
I mean, more important
things, like lunch.
ALL: Lunch?
Lunch? I don't get it.
Can't you just visualize
one of your chef's
tantalizing meals, hmm?
Go ahead, think about it.
Ponder it.
Mull it over in your mind.
And can't you just see
the dessert that follows?
A huge, delectable
ice cream sundae
covered all over
with whipped cream
and chocolate sauce.
And right up on
the very top of it,
an enormous cherry.
Holy cow.
WOMAN: I just fell off my diet.
Go on. Why don't you
all fall off your diets?
Take a bite. Have a nibble.
Fill yourselves to
your heart's content.
Do you know
that it is real? It is.
Beautiful. How do
you put together...?
That's my favorite
flavor, vanilla.
Mm, delicious.
Well, the captain's
finally gone over the brink.
Ha-ha, Alonzo.
You really are amazing.
That's true, that's true.
I mean, I really saw
an ice cream sundae.
I never saw anything
like that in my life.
CAPTAIN: All I can say is
that it's absolutely marvelous.
Tell us how you do it.
Alonzo, Alonzo, I'm off sweets,
but could you whip me
up a rare steak sandwich?
And hold the mayo.
(all laughing)
( slow-tempo theme playing)
(soft music playing)
Smile, my darling,
this is a pleasure cruise.
Ha-ha, some pleasure.
I haven't seen you all day.
But you ought to be happy.
We're gonna be successful again.
I know about the
successful days.
You were too
busy to get married.
And then the bad times,
you were too
poor to get married.
Just when is the right time?
Ramona, please.
Look, darling.
Tonight is for you.
Only you, no illusions.
We'll have your favorite
wine and a leisurely dinner,
and then we'll
dance the night away.
You promise? I promise.
Good evening, ma'am.
Good evening, Amazing.
Oh, good evening, Loafer.
Ah, sir, it's not Loafer.
I'm sorry, Of course, Gomer.
Excuse me, Mr. Alonzo?
Mr. Alonzo, my name
is Harvey Greenswine.
How nice for you.
Mr. Alonzo, you gotta
come over to my table
and do something for my friends.
Sorry, but not tonight.
I promised them.
Oh, he promised them.
You wouldn't want anyone to
break a promise, would you?
Oh, I knew you'd understand.
Goofer, show Madame
to our table, please.
I'll be right back.
Well, I guess you
might as well, Gopher.
That's... That's right.
Here he is, here
he is, I got him.
The Amazing Alonzo. Oh!
Alonzo, how do you do?
Oh, so nice to see
you. Thank you.
Wine? Hm?
Well, why are you drinking
wine, when there's beer available?
Isaac, do you have the time?
Uh, sure.
Quite a head on that beer, hm?
See the head?
See the head?
It's, uh...
Eight forty-five, exactly.
Can I get you anything else?
(stuttering)
Oh!
Isn't that crazy?
WOMAN 1: Tell us how you do it.
HARVEY: That was fan-fantastic.
How did you do
that? That's incredible.
Just a-amazing,
uh, amazing, Alonzo.
Tell us how you do it.
Please, Mr. Alonzo,
join us, please.
WOMAN 1: Would you?
WOMAN 2: Yes, please.
ALONZO: How could
I possibly refuse?
WOMAN 1: Oh, how marv...
Gee, that-that-that's
just great.
Miss Bevens, excuse me.
I was wondering if
you might be available
to have dinner
with me at my table.
Available?
Captain, if there's one
word that describes me,
available is it. (laughs)
Right this way.
You'll sit right over here.
Well, here we are.
Julie, I'd be more
comfortable in the cabin.
Karine, we'll have
a quiet dinner,
just the two of us.
Then maybe we'll take a
walk around the deck, okay?
You will enjoy yourself.
Oh, excuse me, I have
to speak with the captain,
but I will be right back.
Sorry I'm late,
thanks for waiting.
Julie's sitting there.
Gosh, I hope I
didn't squish her.
Now, I think we'll start
with a dry white wine.
Something bold,
but not impertinent.
Ah, caesar salad, pâté.
Excuse me, where is Table 21?
Oh, I'll show you, excuse me.
It's right over here,
ma'am. Oh, thank you.
You look very pretty tonight.
Thank you.
I think I look
pretty nice myself.
What?
No flowers.
This must not be.
Excuse me.
Would you mind? I
need these for my mom.
She's getting married
today. Thank you.
Where have you been?
I ordered this hours ago.
Doc, that happens
to be my chair.
I'll give it back to
you right after dinner.
Doc.
Excuse me, is this chair taken?
Oh, excuse me.
Sorry, I guess
you're on your own.
It worked out just
the way we planned.
Wine, darling? (laughs)
( upbeat theme playing)
MAN (over PA): A reminder.
Don't forget the
Halloween masquerade ball
tomorrow night in the
Coral Dining Room.
Mr. Diller? Hm?
Da...?
Would you...? I mean,
I know it's a secret.
But would you tell me what
it's like being a spy with the CIA?
(giggles)
MRS. DILLER:
Honey... He's not a spy.
No, honey, I'm a dentist.
He's a dentist with the CIA.
I thought I was your friend.
I mean, I knew you
told lies to other people,
but now I know how Isaac felt.
Lucy, you are my friend.
That's just another
one of your lies.
Bobby.
I think it's time
we had a little chat.
I think that's a good idea.
Why don't I see you two
later? Okay, come on.
( sentimental theme playing)
Son, I wish there were a
way that I could just talk to you
and use a couple of
Father Knows Best phrases
to straighten everything out.
But it just doesn't
work out that way.
To tell you the
truth, I'm not so sure
father does know best always.
But I'll tell you one
thing I'm sure of.
Your mother and I love
each other very much.
And as much as
we love each other,
we love you more.
Come on, Bobby,
you don't believe me?
No, you're gonna leave
us again, aren't you?
That's what you said last time.
"I love you," and
then, "Goodbye."
And then you left and you
were gone for a whole year.
Okay, I'm not going anywhere.
I'm not leaving.
Listen, that year that I
was away from you two
was the worst time of my life.
Then why did you go?
It's hard to explain.
Listen, your mother and I...
(sighs)
There were things
that we just didn't know
how to say to each other.
And because we didn't know how
to say them, we made up stories,
or we just didn't say them.
Now, it's taken me a year
to learn to be honest.
Son, you have got to
be honest with people.
You can't be phony,
otherwise your
whole life is phony.
Was that one of those anol...?
Anolgies?
Analogies?
Yeah, I guess it was, yeah.
Hey, that's pretty good.
Dad, I'm gonna try as hard
as I can never to lie anymore.
Okay.
That means we both got
something hard to work at.
Come on.
Dad? What?
Did you ever think
about being a spy?
(chuckles)
Come on.
You promised me
an evening together,
and then you run off,
leaving me to sit
like a lump alone.
Alone. You're upset.
Listen, when people
get upset, they yell.
I wanna kill you.
Well, Ramona, can I help it?
I'm a star and stars
have obligations.
I suppose I'm one
of your obligations.
Oh, please, Ramona,
be reasonable.
Why are you acting like this?
Especially now, when
everything's coming together.
Everything except us. (weeping)
I will never understand women.
(all laughing)
Thank you both.
It's been a wonderful evening.
For me too.
Yeah, most of it. Shh.
Julie may be sleeping.
How about breakfast tomorrow?
Well... I've already asked her.
How about lunch?
I've already asked her.
How about...? I've
already asked her.
How could you have asked her
if you don't even know
what I was gonna ask her?
Because anything
you would think of,
I would have already
thought of before.
You see, I'm always
way ahead of you.
Always? I... Will you
excuse us a moment?
Could I see you over here?
You know something, Doc,
you're starting to
get on my nerves.
Well, I'm way
ahead of you again.
Because you've been
getting on my nerves
for the past three hours.
Oh, is...? All right, okay.
We're gonna let Karine decide
who she wants to
be with, all right?
Okay.
Sucker. Oh, sucker?
Mm-hm. Mm.
Care for a nightcap?
Who's buying?
Isaac.
Deal.
(knocking)
(yawns)
Miss Bevens.
Captain, do you mind if I
talk to you for a minute?
Well, of course not.
Please, uh, come right in.
I know it's terribly
late and I do apologize,
but I was wondering if you
had another cabin available.
Another cabin?
I'm afraid we don't.
But what do you want
another cabin for?
I just can't go back
to him again, I can't.
Alonzo?
(chuckles)
You know, this is
none of my business,
but frankly, I'm surprised
you've stayed
with him this long.
I love him.
I know I shouldn't, but I do.
It's ironic.
He can make us
see what isn't there
and he can't see what is.
Come on, you can
stay in my cabin
and I'll sleep out here.
Oh, no, I couldn't do that.
No, no, I'll be
perfectly comfortable.
Oh, thank you. Are you sure?
Now, don't argue with
the captain of the ship
or I'll make you walk the plank.
( sentimental theme playing)
( upbeat theme playing)
Ramona?
Oh, poor darling.
Doesn't she know there are
maids to make up the bed?
JULIE: Hey, sleepyhead.
Time to get up. Your breakfast
dates will be here soon.
(chuckles)
Oh.
Those two are really something.
Mm-hm.
Oh, I had a ball last night.
Well, when you've
got it, you've got it.
Julie?
Yeah.
Can I ask you something?
Did you put them up to it?
What?
Did you ask Doc and Gopher
to pay all that attention
to me last night?
No, I'm afraid that idea
was entirely their own.
I wish I could believe you.
Well, believe it,
because it's true.
I've gotta get to work.
But how about you meet
me at the beauty parlor
at about 2:00?
I've made appointments
for both of us.
What good's a beauty
parlor going to do me?
Karine... You've had
a really tough time,
and now you think
everyone's pitying you.
But here's some news for you.
The only one pitying you is you.
Thanks, friend.
I gotta get to work.
( upbeat theme playing)
(all saying hello)
You're so pretty.
Joan, you don't say
pretty. They're handsome.
Hello. They're still pretty.
Hi, curly.
Go on, go on. Okay.
Oh, hi. Hello.
MAN: Hi, there.
Hi, how's the water? MAN: Great.
JOAN: Oh.
Isn't it beautiful?
Hi, Lucy.
Oh, go away.
I don't wanna hear
any more of your stories.
Please, can't we be friends?
I'll introduce you to the Fonz.
He's my big brother.
He's not my brother.
I don't even know him.
Yoo-hoo, Alonzo.
(all giggling)
Oh.
ALONZO: Well, well, well.
Good morning, lovely
ladies. ALL: Good morning.
Or should I just say, fans.
I'm your extra-special,
number one fan.
Well, then, I shall do an
extra-special number one
illusion just for you.
Oh! Great.
Now, open your purse, my dear.
Isn't this exciting?
Open it, open it, open it.
RAMONA: Merrill.
Oh, yes, Ramona.
I, um, left my lipstick
in your cabin last night,
and I wondered if you
had a key so I could get it.
Why, sure.
Oh-oh.
Uh, I must have left
them on the bridge.
I'll call my steward
and he'll let you in.
JOAN: Alonzo, honey,
What about my illusion?
Hm? Oh.
Yes, if you would
pardon me just a moment.
What's the matter with him?
Joan, what did you say?
Did you say something wrong?
I don't think so.
I hope I didn't say
something wrong.
Look in your purse.
Look in the bottom
of your purse.
Ramona.
Did I overhear you
say that you spent
some time last night
in the captain's cabin?
I spent all night last
night in the captain's cabin.
We're through. It's over.
Goodbye, Alonzo.
How's that for a neat trick?
Yes, that's the...
Come on, Alonzo. Yeah.
Oh, yes, well, open
your purse, my dear,
and you'll find
a... Million dollars.
A million dollars?
( magical theme playing)
You must have meant after taxes.
Alonzo's amazing, I...
I didn't say he was perfect.
Well, it was a trick.
A cheap trick,
but it was a trick.
Amazing Alonzo, could I
have a quick word with you?
Oh, Grover, please.
Not now, I haven't
an illusion left in me.
Oh, no, no, no, I need
your help with a girl.
Well, write "Dear Abby."
Maybe I should try that.
See, I've got this
problem. Who hasn't?
Her name is Karine
and I'm crazy about her.
Well, I hope the two of
you live happily ever after.
But there's a snake
in the woodpile.
You see, Doc likes her too.
Well, I hope the three of
you live happily ever after.
See, what I was hoping
is that you could do
a little hypnotic
number on the doctor
and maybe convince
him to get out of the race,
like not be interested
in Karine anymore.
Roper, does that mean
you'll stop bugging me?
Oh, yeah, yeah. Okay, okay.
I'll give him a
post-hypnotic suggestion.
Will it hurt? Oh, Goper.
What?
Now, look, I'll set it up
so that every time the
girl's name is mentioned...
Karine.
Every time Karine's
name is mentioned,
the doctor will say,
"You have Karine.
She's perfect for you."
Every time Karine's
name is mentioned?
Terrific. Well, of
course it's terrific.
I am the Amazing Alonzo.
Where is the doctor?
Ah, he's right over there.
He's the silly-looking
guy with the glasses.
Looks sort of like a
snake in the woodpile.
Right.
( dramatic theme playing)
Doctor.
Hi, Doc. Oh, hi.
Hi, Gopher.
Gosh, you know, uh,
somebody was looking for you.
Gosh, who was that now? Gosh.
Uh, let me see.
Uh, I've got it.
It was... It was Karine.
Karine?
Oh, Gopher, thank you.
I'm so glad you've
come to your senses
and finally given up.
She's perfect for me.
Alonzo!
MAN (over PA): The captain's
Halloween masquerade ball
is now in progress in
the Coral Dining Room.
KARINE: Then Doc put a hot
pepper into Gopher's sandwich,
and Gopher couldn't
speak for ten minutes.
No!
And you still think I
put them up to all this?
Julie? Yeah.
How do I look? Beautiful.
Except for one thing. What?
You don't need the veil.
One step at a time, okay?
Okay.
And you look perfect.
(meows)
(upbeat funky music playing)
There you go.
Get your red-hot
punch right here.
Hey, Doc.
Try this.
(chuckles)
What's in it, Isaac?
The usual.
Bat wings, scorpion tails
and a dash of hemlock
to bring out the flavor.
No wonder it tastes rotten.
You left out the eye
of the salamander.
(grunts)
What will you have?
What else? A bloody mary.
Have you seen Alonzo?
Frankly, we haven't
been looking.
Oh, what a bust
he turned out to be.
Every illusion he's tried today
has been a great big zero.
Yes, well, I have to find
him. He's got a show to do.
Well, good luck to him.
Yeah.
By the way, you look lovely.
(knock at door)
Ramona?
Captain Stubing.
(groans)
(knock at door)
Alonzo, open this door.
Well, are you here to gloat?
No.
I'm here to tell
you that everyone
is waiting and ready for you.
Oh, yes, well, at the moment,
I am unable to
produce any illusion
other than failure.
Despite my protestations
to the contrary,
it seems that I...
I need the sweet,
steadying hand of Ramona.
But that is not to be,
since you have
stolen her from me.
Stolen? She's in love with you.
Yes, of course, that's why
she's sharing a cabin with you.
Oh, for Pete's sake.
That is the only
thing we've shared.
You're the man she wants.
Now, look, I have got a
ballroom full of passengers
waiting to see something
spectacular happen.
So you be up
there in ten minutes.
Do I have an alternative?
Yes.
Five minutes.
(upbeat dance music playing)
Meow.
I just want to thank you guys
for making Karine's
trip so terrific.
Oh, don't thank me, Julie.
I'm nuts about the girl.
I'm trying to get Doc to bow out
and leave Karine to me.
Bow out.
(howls)
Well... Look, I won't keep you.
I know you wanna
be with your friends.
Thank you, captain.
GOPHER: I mean,
let's face it, Doc.
There's no point in
both of us being with her.
After all, one of
us could be free
to play the field all night.
BRICKER: You're right.
She is Julie's friend.
And I wouldn't wanna let
down our cruise director.
Hey, why don't you guys
just do it the fair way?
One of you flip a coin
and whoever loses
will just have to suffer.
Okay with me.
What do you say, fur-face?
All right, paste-o.
Call it.
Heads.
Too bad, you lose.
GOPHER: Wait a minute.
I didn't even get to see it.
Oh, sorry.
(cries out)
Mom, Dad.
There's a girl out on the deck.
She's gonna jump off the rail.
Hey, Bobby, I thought we
were all finished with that stuff.
No, really.
Listen, do you
remember our talk?
You remember what you promised?
Bobby.
Someone's gonna jump
overboard. A girl. You better come.
Is that a fact? Well,
I'll tell you what.
You tell her to go
ahead and jump,
and then we'll pick her
up on our way back to L.A.
Lucy, you gotta come with me.
A girl's gonna commit
suicide. We gotta help her.
Oh, drop dead.
No, this time you
gotta believe me.
Don't. Lady, please.
Don't jump. Go away.
Why do you wanna hurt yourself?
You'd never understand.
I would.
When my dad left my mom
and went away
with that other lady,
I felt bad, real bad, like you.
My mom was crying all the time.
And even though I
tried to make it up to her,
I just couldn't.
I felt like you do now.
But then they got back together
and everything was okay.
It's not that easy for me.
BOBBY: Wait, wait.
That's not the end of my story.
My dad left my mom again
a-and she committed...
Committed...
She killed herself.
She took a whole bunch
of pills, and now she's gone,
and I can't tell her
how much I loved her.
I'll never be able
to tell her that again.
Why did she have to do that?
Why?
( tender theme playing)
Don't cry.
It's all right,
sweetheart. Don't cry.
There she is.
Karine.
You're my date for the evening.
He cheated.
I won the toss.
Tell him I get the first dance.
Wait a minute.
You've been crying.
Hey, you okay?
I... Bobby was
telling her a sad story.
Well?
Well, what?
Well, who gets the next dance?
He does.
(hisses)
Oh, Bobby.
You're not causing
any trouble, are you?
No. Believe me, he isn't.
Well, if he is,
just let me know.
I'm his mother.
His mother?
You lied to me?
Yeah, but it's my last lie.
(disco music playing)
Ladies and gentlemen,
may I have your
attention, please.
(music stops)
It is my privilege
to present to you
the one and only,
the Amazing Alonzo.
(band playing upbeat tempo)
ALONZO: Ladies and gentlemen,
I am often asked, "How
do you do these illusions?
How do you make them happen?"
Well, my answer is,
you can make anything happen
if you want it badly enough.
Sometimes, the
problem is that, well...
Sometimes, the problem is
that we don't know what
we want till it's too late.
I hope it isn't too late.
And so the
illusion of illusions.
Tonight, you are undergoing
the greatest
change of your lives.
A transmogrification
of a most unique nature.
You are no longer flesh
and blood, bone and sinew.
You are ice, granite, marble.
A ballroom filled with
the greatest statues
the world has ever seen.
(snaps finger)
( dramatic theme playing)
( tender theme playing)
Ramona.
Congratulations.
You've proved a point.
You are a star of stars.
Everyone fades before you.
Everyone except you.
Ramona, I love you.
Those are just words, Alonzo.
Wendell.
Huh?
My real name is Wendell Morden.
The Amazing Wendell Morden?
If you haven't told me
about it all these
years, why tell me now?
Well, why not, hmm?
You'll see it on the
marriage license.
(liquid running onto floor)
(snaps finger)
Isn't that amazing? (laughs)
What are you... Isaac.
Have you been drinking?
Sir, of course I haven't.
Would you like to
try some of this?
I'd like to come and visit you,
but my parents are trying to
get their marriage together,
so maybe we should wait.
Bobby. Bobby.
You wanted me to tell the truth.
(laughs)
Alonzo, it was a
marvelous cruise.
You were incredible,
unbelievable.
Of course. He's amazing.
Well, it's nice to see you
two back together again.
For a while there,
it looked like things
weren't working out too well.
Captain, that was
just an illusion.
A very bad illusion that the
world will never see again.
Thank you.
Goodbye. Good luck.
Bonsoir.
Ramona.
Come on, Ramona.
(laughs)
Goodbye, Julie.
We're gonna see
each other real soon.
Oh, I wish there was
something more I could say.
"Thank you" seems so inadequate.
You say thank you when
someone opens the door
or checks your coat.
I wish I could find a better
way to express how I feel.
You don't have to.
That smile says it all.
Bye-bye.
I'd like you to have this.
Because I'm not
gonna need it anymore.
Well, thank you.
Can I call you at home?
Don't be surprised if
I pick up the phone.
Right, Karine?
The answer is an emphatic yes.
Who to? To me.
No, no, she meant me.
I'll tell you what. Flip a coin.
Bye-bye. Bye.
Some guys never learn.
(Jack Jones' "The
Love Boat" playing)
Love Boat" playing)
♪ Love ♪
♪ Exciting and new ♪
♪ Come aboard ♪
♪ We're expecting you ♪
♪ And love ♪
♪ Life's sweetest reward ♪
♪ Let it flow ♪
♪ It floats back to you ♪
♪ The Love Boat ♪
♪ Soon will be
making Another run ♪
♪ The Love Boat ♪
♪ Promises something
For everyone ♪
♪ Set a course for adventure ♪
♪ Your mind on a new romance ♪
♪ And love ♪
♪ Won't hurt anymore ♪
♪ It's an open smile ♪
♪ On a friendly shore ♪
♪ It's love ♪
♪ Welcome aboard It's love ♪
Well, it sure looks
like Halloween to me.
If you were really
in the spirit, doctor,
you would have supplied
us with a genuine skeleton.
Right, I'm sure you could
dig one up somewhere.
I'm sorry, but there are
no skeletons in my closet.
I was once married
to an old bat, though.
Good joke, Doc.
Hey, a woman's
gonna jump overboard.
What? Come on.
There she is. Miss.
Miss, wait a minute. No.
It's okay. We've got you.
Let's just talk this over
calmly and rationally.
Talk what over?
My daughter was
taking my picture.
We thought you were
jumping overboard.
At these prices?
Just a moment, young man.
I'd like to speak
to your parents.
Bobby. Hey.
What's going on?
Your son has a pretty
active imagination.
Bobby, have you
been telling lies again?
Whoppers.
BOBBY: Well, it looked like
she was gonna jump
overboard, sort of.
But your dad doesn't think so.
Yeah, well, he's
under a lot of pressure.
It's not easy being a spy.
Hey.
I'm really sorry. It's, ah...
It's just a phase
he's going through.
I'm not a child psychologist,
but when a kid lies,
there's usually a reason.
Yeah, I guess there is.
Well, thank you very
much. Come on, Bobby.
Thank you.
Hey, you guys, I'm
sorry that I'm late.
But this is my friend
Karine Williamson.
She's gonna be sharing
my cabin in this trip.
Hello. Hi.
Hello. How are you?
Karine, this is Adam
Bricker, our ship's physician.
And this is Gopher Smith.
Our ship's condition.
I'd better get to work, okay?
Work? Gee, I thought
you were just another
fun-loving passenger.
Excuse me, Freddie,
would you please
show Miss Williamson
to my cabin?
Thank you.
I'll see you later.
KARINE: All right.
What a knockout.
She could be a model.
She was, until about a year ago.
Then she was in this
car accident and...
She's perfect for me.
Perfect for you?
I got dibs on her.
GOPHER: Wait a minute.
Guys.
You're gonna have
to go easy, okay?
She's had some
really bad breaks.
And on top of it all, her
boyfriend walked out on her.
Great.
Now, come on, she's
here to spend time with me.
Julie, I've always
enjoyed your company.
I have been
neglecting you lately.
Bye.
(both sigh)
Well, aside from our
Halloween costume ball,
I have hired the world's
greatest illusionist,
The Amazing Alonzo.
Who?
The Amazing Alonzo.
He's an illusionist.
He uses a form of mass hypnosis.
He can make people
see things that aren't there.
He's incredible.
Oh, I remember him
from TV years ago.
Is he still around?
Yes, and we've got him.
I guess you couldn't
get Pinky Lee, hmm?
I have a terrible feeling
this is a big mistake.
Let's go back home.
You'll be fine. Believe me.
But I haven't appeared before
an audience in three years.
What if nothing works?
It will work. I know it.
You are the Amazing Alonzo.
The best.
Oh, Ramona, what
would I do without you?
Doc, Doc, Karine
is closer to my age.
She needs the guidance
of a mature mind.
Mature?
You mean twisted. Senile.
Senile? Senile.
The years have taken their toll.
Ah, there he is now.
Oh.
Welcome aboard. I'm
Captain Merrill Stubing.
Delighted to be here. Yes.
Hello. Oh, hello.
Oh, this is Ramona,
the love of my life.
Charmed. I've been boasting
about you all morning.
Oh, would you consider
doing a small illusion?
Just to whet our appetites?
Oh, well, really, I'm...
I'm really not
quite prepared to...
Oh, please, just a small one.
Well, I... Really, I...
GOPHER: Don't think it's gonna
be easy cutting me out this time, Doc.
My dear boy, cutting you out
comes under the
heading of minor surgery.
Well, you certainly
know about that.
What now?
I'm sorry, sir.
I just introduced them
to a friend of mine,
and now they're behaving
like two jackasses.
Well, if they're
behaving like jackasses,
perhaps they
should be jackasses.
Do you observe? Do you observe?
BRICKER: I'm gonna
have you put below decks
in chains and you'll never see
any of these lovely
ladies again. Jackasses.
You're not gonna
put me anywhere.
I run all the decks around here.
You're just a lackey,
as far as I'm concerned.
(both laugh)
You run. You run
scared, you run.
Donkeys on my ship?
What happened to Doc and Gopher?
Well, sir, I always told
you they had it in them.
I get the feeling
people are staring at us.
It's me. When you've
got it, you've got it.
How did you do that?
Now, let's continue this
discussion in my office.
Oh, did you see that?
Well, I told you he
was magnificent.
You must have a drink with us.
I'm one of your biggest fans.
I've never missed
one of your TV shows.
Well, thank you. Thank you.
Oh, you're marvelous.
Come along.
Did you ever see
anything like that?
I have never seen
anything like that.
(foghorn blows)
(Jack Jones' "The
Love Boat" playing)
Hey, where were you?
You missed the
confetti-throwing.
I, ah, felt like staying here.
Well, you didn't come on
this cruise to sit in a cabin.
Let's go grab our bathing
suits and go up on deck.
Oh, Julie, (sobs)
how can I go anywhere
looking like this?
Karine.
Karine, you look fine.
Tell that to the photographers.
They haven't exactly
been calling lately.
I guess I expected a
miracle from plastic surgery.
But they did all they could.
Paul was expecting one too.
Paul, yeah.
Well, he's a real lightweight.
He's not worth
your little finger.
I had a life.
And suddenly, that
life has disappeared.
Then you just
make a different life.
Now, come on.
It's Lido Deck time.
Oh, Julie, couldn't we just...?
No, we can't.
I'm sorry, but I'm
the cruise director.
Now, move it.
(both laugh)
JULIE: It's okay.
Honey, you want anything?
A drink?
No, thank you.
I can order a sandwich.
Hmm?
Everything's just fine.
Boy, look out for this sun.
You know how easy you burn.
I will.
Listen, put some of
that lotion on just in case.
Don't. What?
Don't try so hard.
I know.
I'm sorry.
It wasn't easy splitting up
and it's not gonna be easy
getting back together
again, I know that.
We'll be okay.
What are we gonna
do about Bobby?
Sweetheart, you have to realize,
the year we separated was twice
as hard on him as it was on us.
We'll... We'll just
have to be patient.
Isaac, a man is killing a lady.
What?
He's strangling her.
Where?
Listen, you guys,
that was really dumb.
Well, it looked like
he was choking her.
Sort of.
We were just having fun.
Well, it was no fun for me.
I can't understand why
you've never made a movie.
Well, the studios
keep begging me to,
but nobody's come up
with the right script yet.
Well, you know,
with my special talent,
I have to be very particular.
You should be.
But when you do make a movie,
I'll definitely go to see it.
Well, you don't have to.
You have me right
here in person.
(all laugh)
Alonzo, you were
gonna meet me in the bar.
Oh, yeah.
You remember my
associate, Ramona.
Oh, yes. Hello.
I'd like to speak to
you for a moment.
Oh, certainly. Certainly.
I'll see you on the Lido Deck.
Don't be long.
No, no.
Before, I was the
love of your life.
Now I'm your associate.
I am your fiancée.
Oh, but of course, my love.
But when the fans think
of me as unattached, it...
Well, it helps the fantasy.
Theirs or yours?
(chuckles)
I've always loved
your sense of humor.
(Jack Jones' "The
Love Boat" playing)
JULIE: Karine.
Hey, don't be so self-conscious.
You look great.
Hi, Julie.
Hi. Oh.
Ah, Karine.
Say, I've been going over
the seating
arrangements for dinner,
and unfortunately,
I've only been able
to get you a table for two.
Ha, how about that?
It's the same table I'm at.
Thank you, but...
Thank me later. During dinner.
He likes you.
How long do you think
he'd like me if he saw this?
Karine, it's just a scar.
You're making much
more of it than it really is.
I bet you could take
that scarf off right now
and nobody'd even notice.
You're gonna have
to do it some time.
( tender theme playing)
WOMAN: It's not
Halloween until tomorrow.
Karine.
Boo.
Karine. Karine.
Alonzo. Yes, sir.
I hate to be a taskmaster,
but you were hired
to perform, you know.
Well, yes, I-I was
just contemplating
the object of my
next demonstration.
Oh.
Oh, Alonzo, there you are.
Yes. Would you do
an illusion, please?
Well, there are a lot
more important things
than mere illusions.
You can do it.
Yes, I know I can.
I mean, more important
things, like lunch.
ALL: Lunch?
Lunch? I don't get it.
Can't you just visualize
one of your chef's
tantalizing meals, hmm?
Go ahead, think about it.
Ponder it.
Mull it over in your mind.
And can't you just see
the dessert that follows?
A huge, delectable
ice cream sundae
covered all over
with whipped cream
and chocolate sauce.
And right up on
the very top of it,
an enormous cherry.
Holy cow.
WOMAN: I just fell off my diet.
Go on. Why don't you
all fall off your diets?
Take a bite. Have a nibble.
Fill yourselves to
your heart's content.
Do you know
that it is real? It is.
Beautiful. How do
you put together...?
That's my favorite
flavor, vanilla.
Mm, delicious.
Well, the captain's
finally gone over the brink.
Ha-ha, Alonzo.
You really are amazing.
That's true, that's true.
I mean, I really saw
an ice cream sundae.
I never saw anything
like that in my life.
CAPTAIN: All I can say is
that it's absolutely marvelous.
Tell us how you do it.
Alonzo, Alonzo, I'm off sweets,
but could you whip me
up a rare steak sandwich?
And hold the mayo.
(all laughing)
( slow-tempo theme playing)
(soft music playing)
Smile, my darling,
this is a pleasure cruise.
Ha-ha, some pleasure.
I haven't seen you all day.
But you ought to be happy.
We're gonna be successful again.
I know about the
successful days.
You were too
busy to get married.
And then the bad times,
you were too
poor to get married.
Just when is the right time?
Ramona, please.
Look, darling.
Tonight is for you.
Only you, no illusions.
We'll have your favorite
wine and a leisurely dinner,
and then we'll
dance the night away.
You promise? I promise.
Good evening, ma'am.
Good evening, Amazing.
Oh, good evening, Loafer.
Ah, sir, it's not Loafer.
I'm sorry, Of course, Gomer.
Excuse me, Mr. Alonzo?
Mr. Alonzo, my name
is Harvey Greenswine.
How nice for you.
Mr. Alonzo, you gotta
come over to my table
and do something for my friends.
Sorry, but not tonight.
I promised them.
Oh, he promised them.
You wouldn't want anyone to
break a promise, would you?
Oh, I knew you'd understand.
Goofer, show Madame
to our table, please.
I'll be right back.
Well, I guess you
might as well, Gopher.
That's... That's right.
Here he is, here
he is, I got him.
The Amazing Alonzo. Oh!
Alonzo, how do you do?
Oh, so nice to see
you. Thank you.
Wine? Hm?
Well, why are you drinking
wine, when there's beer available?
Isaac, do you have the time?
Uh, sure.
Quite a head on that beer, hm?
See the head?
See the head?
It's, uh...
Eight forty-five, exactly.
Can I get you anything else?
(stuttering)
Oh!
Isn't that crazy?
WOMAN 1: Tell us how you do it.
HARVEY: That was fan-fantastic.
How did you do
that? That's incredible.
Just a-amazing,
uh, amazing, Alonzo.
Tell us how you do it.
Please, Mr. Alonzo,
join us, please.
WOMAN 1: Would you?
WOMAN 2: Yes, please.
ALONZO: How could
I possibly refuse?
WOMAN 1: Oh, how marv...
Gee, that-that-that's
just great.
Miss Bevens, excuse me.
I was wondering if
you might be available
to have dinner
with me at my table.
Available?
Captain, if there's one
word that describes me,
available is it. (laughs)
Right this way.
You'll sit right over here.
Well, here we are.
Julie, I'd be more
comfortable in the cabin.
Karine, we'll have
a quiet dinner,
just the two of us.
Then maybe we'll take a
walk around the deck, okay?
You will enjoy yourself.
Oh, excuse me, I have
to speak with the captain,
but I will be right back.
Sorry I'm late,
thanks for waiting.
Julie's sitting there.
Gosh, I hope I
didn't squish her.
Now, I think we'll start
with a dry white wine.
Something bold,
but not impertinent.
Ah, caesar salad, pâté.
Excuse me, where is Table 21?
Oh, I'll show you, excuse me.
It's right over here,
ma'am. Oh, thank you.
You look very pretty tonight.
Thank you.
I think I look
pretty nice myself.
What?
No flowers.
This must not be.
Excuse me.
Would you mind? I
need these for my mom.
She's getting married
today. Thank you.
Where have you been?
I ordered this hours ago.
Doc, that happens
to be my chair.
I'll give it back to
you right after dinner.
Doc.
Excuse me, is this chair taken?
Oh, excuse me.
Sorry, I guess
you're on your own.
It worked out just
the way we planned.
Wine, darling? (laughs)
( upbeat theme playing)
MAN (over PA): A reminder.
Don't forget the
Halloween masquerade ball
tomorrow night in the
Coral Dining Room.
Mr. Diller? Hm?
Da...?
Would you...? I mean,
I know it's a secret.
But would you tell me what
it's like being a spy with the CIA?
(giggles)
MRS. DILLER:
Honey... He's not a spy.
No, honey, I'm a dentist.
He's a dentist with the CIA.
I thought I was your friend.
I mean, I knew you
told lies to other people,
but now I know how Isaac felt.
Lucy, you are my friend.
That's just another
one of your lies.
Bobby.
I think it's time
we had a little chat.
I think that's a good idea.
Why don't I see you two
later? Okay, come on.
( sentimental theme playing)
Son, I wish there were a
way that I could just talk to you
and use a couple of
Father Knows Best phrases
to straighten everything out.
But it just doesn't
work out that way.
To tell you the
truth, I'm not so sure
father does know best always.
But I'll tell you one
thing I'm sure of.
Your mother and I love
each other very much.
And as much as
we love each other,
we love you more.
Come on, Bobby,
you don't believe me?
No, you're gonna leave
us again, aren't you?
That's what you said last time.
"I love you," and
then, "Goodbye."
And then you left and you
were gone for a whole year.
Okay, I'm not going anywhere.
I'm not leaving.
Listen, that year that I
was away from you two
was the worst time of my life.
Then why did you go?
It's hard to explain.
Listen, your mother and I...
(sighs)
There were things
that we just didn't know
how to say to each other.
And because we didn't know how
to say them, we made up stories,
or we just didn't say them.
Now, it's taken me a year
to learn to be honest.
Son, you have got to
be honest with people.
You can't be phony,
otherwise your
whole life is phony.
Was that one of those anol...?
Anolgies?
Analogies?
Yeah, I guess it was, yeah.
Hey, that's pretty good.
Dad, I'm gonna try as hard
as I can never to lie anymore.
Okay.
That means we both got
something hard to work at.
Come on.
Dad? What?
Did you ever think
about being a spy?
(chuckles)
Come on.
You promised me
an evening together,
and then you run off,
leaving me to sit
like a lump alone.
Alone. You're upset.
Listen, when people
get upset, they yell.
I wanna kill you.
Well, Ramona, can I help it?
I'm a star and stars
have obligations.
I suppose I'm one
of your obligations.
Oh, please, Ramona,
be reasonable.
Why are you acting like this?
Especially now, when
everything's coming together.
Everything except us. (weeping)
I will never understand women.
(all laughing)
Thank you both.
It's been a wonderful evening.
For me too.
Yeah, most of it. Shh.
Julie may be sleeping.
How about breakfast tomorrow?
Well... I've already asked her.
How about lunch?
I've already asked her.
How about...? I've
already asked her.
How could you have asked her
if you don't even know
what I was gonna ask her?
Because anything
you would think of,
I would have already
thought of before.
You see, I'm always
way ahead of you.
Always? I... Will you
excuse us a moment?
Could I see you over here?
You know something, Doc,
you're starting to
get on my nerves.
Well, I'm way
ahead of you again.
Because you've been
getting on my nerves
for the past three hours.
Oh, is...? All right, okay.
We're gonna let Karine decide
who she wants to
be with, all right?
Okay.
Sucker. Oh, sucker?
Mm-hm. Mm.
Care for a nightcap?
Who's buying?
Isaac.
Deal.
(knocking)
(yawns)
Miss Bevens.
Captain, do you mind if I
talk to you for a minute?
Well, of course not.
Please, uh, come right in.
I know it's terribly
late and I do apologize,
but I was wondering if you
had another cabin available.
Another cabin?
I'm afraid we don't.
But what do you want
another cabin for?
I just can't go back
to him again, I can't.
Alonzo?
(chuckles)
You know, this is
none of my business,
but frankly, I'm surprised
you've stayed
with him this long.
I love him.
I know I shouldn't, but I do.
It's ironic.
He can make us
see what isn't there
and he can't see what is.
Come on, you can
stay in my cabin
and I'll sleep out here.
Oh, no, I couldn't do that.
No, no, I'll be
perfectly comfortable.
Oh, thank you. Are you sure?
Now, don't argue with
the captain of the ship
or I'll make you walk the plank.
( sentimental theme playing)
( upbeat theme playing)
Ramona?
Oh, poor darling.
Doesn't she know there are
maids to make up the bed?
JULIE: Hey, sleepyhead.
Time to get up. Your breakfast
dates will be here soon.
(chuckles)
Oh.
Those two are really something.
Mm-hm.
Oh, I had a ball last night.
Well, when you've
got it, you've got it.
Julie?
Yeah.
Can I ask you something?
Did you put them up to it?
What?
Did you ask Doc and Gopher
to pay all that attention
to me last night?
No, I'm afraid that idea
was entirely their own.
I wish I could believe you.
Well, believe it,
because it's true.
I've gotta get to work.
But how about you meet
me at the beauty parlor
at about 2:00?
I've made appointments
for both of us.
What good's a beauty
parlor going to do me?
Karine... You've had
a really tough time,
and now you think
everyone's pitying you.
But here's some news for you.
The only one pitying you is you.
Thanks, friend.
I gotta get to work.
( upbeat theme playing)
(all saying hello)
You're so pretty.
Joan, you don't say
pretty. They're handsome.
Hello. They're still pretty.
Hi, curly.
Go on, go on. Okay.
Oh, hi. Hello.
MAN: Hi, there.
Hi, how's the water? MAN: Great.
JOAN: Oh.
Isn't it beautiful?
Hi, Lucy.
Oh, go away.
I don't wanna hear
any more of your stories.
Please, can't we be friends?
I'll introduce you to the Fonz.
He's my big brother.
He's not my brother.
I don't even know him.
Yoo-hoo, Alonzo.
(all giggling)
Oh.
ALONZO: Well, well, well.
Good morning, lovely
ladies. ALL: Good morning.
Or should I just say, fans.
I'm your extra-special,
number one fan.
Well, then, I shall do an
extra-special number one
illusion just for you.
Oh! Great.
Now, open your purse, my dear.
Isn't this exciting?
Open it, open it, open it.
RAMONA: Merrill.
Oh, yes, Ramona.
I, um, left my lipstick
in your cabin last night,
and I wondered if you
had a key so I could get it.
Why, sure.
Oh-oh.
Uh, I must have left
them on the bridge.
I'll call my steward
and he'll let you in.
JOAN: Alonzo, honey,
What about my illusion?
Hm? Oh.
Yes, if you would
pardon me just a moment.
What's the matter with him?
Joan, what did you say?
Did you say something wrong?
I don't think so.
I hope I didn't say
something wrong.
Look in your purse.
Look in the bottom
of your purse.
Ramona.
Did I overhear you
say that you spent
some time last night
in the captain's cabin?
I spent all night last
night in the captain's cabin.
We're through. It's over.
Goodbye, Alonzo.
How's that for a neat trick?
Yes, that's the...
Come on, Alonzo. Yeah.
Oh, yes, well, open
your purse, my dear,
and you'll find
a... Million dollars.
A million dollars?
( magical theme playing)
You must have meant after taxes.
Alonzo's amazing, I...
I didn't say he was perfect.
Well, it was a trick.
A cheap trick,
but it was a trick.
Amazing Alonzo, could I
have a quick word with you?
Oh, Grover, please.
Not now, I haven't
an illusion left in me.
Oh, no, no, no, I need
your help with a girl.
Well, write "Dear Abby."
Maybe I should try that.
See, I've got this
problem. Who hasn't?
Her name is Karine
and I'm crazy about her.
Well, I hope the two of
you live happily ever after.
But there's a snake
in the woodpile.
You see, Doc likes her too.
Well, I hope the three of
you live happily ever after.
See, what I was hoping
is that you could do
a little hypnotic
number on the doctor
and maybe convince
him to get out of the race,
like not be interested
in Karine anymore.
Roper, does that mean
you'll stop bugging me?
Oh, yeah, yeah. Okay, okay.
I'll give him a
post-hypnotic suggestion.
Will it hurt? Oh, Goper.
What?
Now, look, I'll set it up
so that every time the
girl's name is mentioned...
Karine.
Every time Karine's
name is mentioned,
the doctor will say,
"You have Karine.
She's perfect for you."
Every time Karine's
name is mentioned?
Terrific. Well, of
course it's terrific.
I am the Amazing Alonzo.
Where is the doctor?
Ah, he's right over there.
He's the silly-looking
guy with the glasses.
Looks sort of like a
snake in the woodpile.
Right.
( dramatic theme playing)
Doctor.
Hi, Doc. Oh, hi.
Hi, Gopher.
Gosh, you know, uh,
somebody was looking for you.
Gosh, who was that now? Gosh.
Uh, let me see.
Uh, I've got it.
It was... It was Karine.
Karine?
Oh, Gopher, thank you.
I'm so glad you've
come to your senses
and finally given up.
She's perfect for me.
Alonzo!
MAN (over PA): The captain's
Halloween masquerade ball
is now in progress in
the Coral Dining Room.
KARINE: Then Doc put a hot
pepper into Gopher's sandwich,
and Gopher couldn't
speak for ten minutes.
No!
And you still think I
put them up to all this?
Julie? Yeah.
How do I look? Beautiful.
Except for one thing. What?
You don't need the veil.
One step at a time, okay?
Okay.
And you look perfect.
(meows)
(upbeat funky music playing)
There you go.
Get your red-hot
punch right here.
Hey, Doc.
Try this.
(chuckles)
What's in it, Isaac?
The usual.
Bat wings, scorpion tails
and a dash of hemlock
to bring out the flavor.
No wonder it tastes rotten.
You left out the eye
of the salamander.
(grunts)
What will you have?
What else? A bloody mary.
Have you seen Alonzo?
Frankly, we haven't
been looking.
Oh, what a bust
he turned out to be.
Every illusion he's tried today
has been a great big zero.
Yes, well, I have to find
him. He's got a show to do.
Well, good luck to him.
Yeah.
By the way, you look lovely.
(knock at door)
Ramona?
Captain Stubing.
(groans)
(knock at door)
Alonzo, open this door.
Well, are you here to gloat?
No.
I'm here to tell
you that everyone
is waiting and ready for you.
Oh, yes, well, at the moment,
I am unable to
produce any illusion
other than failure.
Despite my protestations
to the contrary,
it seems that I...
I need the sweet,
steadying hand of Ramona.
But that is not to be,
since you have
stolen her from me.
Stolen? She's in love with you.
Yes, of course, that's why
she's sharing a cabin with you.
Oh, for Pete's sake.
That is the only
thing we've shared.
You're the man she wants.
Now, look, I have got a
ballroom full of passengers
waiting to see something
spectacular happen.
So you be up
there in ten minutes.
Do I have an alternative?
Yes.
Five minutes.
(upbeat dance music playing)
Meow.
I just want to thank you guys
for making Karine's
trip so terrific.
Oh, don't thank me, Julie.
I'm nuts about the girl.
I'm trying to get Doc to bow out
and leave Karine to me.
Bow out.
(howls)
Well... Look, I won't keep you.
I know you wanna
be with your friends.
Thank you, captain.
GOPHER: I mean,
let's face it, Doc.
There's no point in
both of us being with her.
After all, one of
us could be free
to play the field all night.
BRICKER: You're right.
She is Julie's friend.
And I wouldn't wanna let
down our cruise director.
Hey, why don't you guys
just do it the fair way?
One of you flip a coin
and whoever loses
will just have to suffer.
Okay with me.
What do you say, fur-face?
All right, paste-o.
Call it.
Heads.
Too bad, you lose.
GOPHER: Wait a minute.
I didn't even get to see it.
Oh, sorry.
(cries out)
Mom, Dad.
There's a girl out on the deck.
She's gonna jump off the rail.
Hey, Bobby, I thought we
were all finished with that stuff.
No, really.
Listen, do you
remember our talk?
You remember what you promised?
Bobby.
Someone's gonna jump
overboard. A girl. You better come.
Is that a fact? Well,
I'll tell you what.
You tell her to go
ahead and jump,
and then we'll pick her
up on our way back to L.A.
Lucy, you gotta come with me.
A girl's gonna commit
suicide. We gotta help her.
Oh, drop dead.
No, this time you
gotta believe me.
Don't. Lady, please.
Don't jump. Go away.
Why do you wanna hurt yourself?
You'd never understand.
I would.
When my dad left my mom
and went away
with that other lady,
I felt bad, real bad, like you.
My mom was crying all the time.
And even though I
tried to make it up to her,
I just couldn't.
I felt like you do now.
But then they got back together
and everything was okay.
It's not that easy for me.
BOBBY: Wait, wait.
That's not the end of my story.
My dad left my mom again
a-and she committed...
Committed...
She killed herself.
She took a whole bunch
of pills, and now she's gone,
and I can't tell her
how much I loved her.
I'll never be able
to tell her that again.
Why did she have to do that?
Why?
( tender theme playing)
Don't cry.
It's all right,
sweetheart. Don't cry.
There she is.
Karine.
You're my date for the evening.
He cheated.
I won the toss.
Tell him I get the first dance.
Wait a minute.
You've been crying.
Hey, you okay?
I... Bobby was
telling her a sad story.
Well?
Well, what?
Well, who gets the next dance?
He does.
(hisses)
Oh, Bobby.
You're not causing
any trouble, are you?
No. Believe me, he isn't.
Well, if he is,
just let me know.
I'm his mother.
His mother?
You lied to me?
Yeah, but it's my last lie.
(disco music playing)
Ladies and gentlemen,
may I have your
attention, please.
(music stops)
It is my privilege
to present to you
the one and only,
the Amazing Alonzo.
(band playing upbeat tempo)
ALONZO: Ladies and gentlemen,
I am often asked, "How
do you do these illusions?
How do you make them happen?"
Well, my answer is,
you can make anything happen
if you want it badly enough.
Sometimes, the
problem is that, well...
Sometimes, the problem is
that we don't know what
we want till it's too late.
I hope it isn't too late.
And so the
illusion of illusions.
Tonight, you are undergoing
the greatest
change of your lives.
A transmogrification
of a most unique nature.
You are no longer flesh
and blood, bone and sinew.
You are ice, granite, marble.
A ballroom filled with
the greatest statues
the world has ever seen.
(snaps finger)
( dramatic theme playing)
( tender theme playing)
Ramona.
Congratulations.
You've proved a point.
You are a star of stars.
Everyone fades before you.
Everyone except you.
Ramona, I love you.
Those are just words, Alonzo.
Wendell.
Huh?
My real name is Wendell Morden.
The Amazing Wendell Morden?
If you haven't told me
about it all these
years, why tell me now?
Well, why not, hmm?
You'll see it on the
marriage license.
(liquid running onto floor)
(snaps finger)
Isn't that amazing? (laughs)
What are you... Isaac.
Have you been drinking?
Sir, of course I haven't.
Would you like to
try some of this?
I'd like to come and visit you,
but my parents are trying to
get their marriage together,
so maybe we should wait.
Bobby. Bobby.
You wanted me to tell the truth.
(laughs)
Alonzo, it was a
marvelous cruise.
You were incredible,
unbelievable.
Of course. He's amazing.
Well, it's nice to see you
two back together again.
For a while there,
it looked like things
weren't working out too well.
Captain, that was
just an illusion.
A very bad illusion that the
world will never see again.
Thank you.
Goodbye. Good luck.
Bonsoir.
Ramona.
Come on, Ramona.
(laughs)
Goodbye, Julie.
We're gonna see
each other real soon.
Oh, I wish there was
something more I could say.
"Thank you" seems so inadequate.
You say thank you when
someone opens the door
or checks your coat.
I wish I could find a better
way to express how I feel.
You don't have to.
That smile says it all.
Bye-bye.
I'd like you to have this.
Because I'm not
gonna need it anymore.
Well, thank you.
Can I call you at home?
Don't be surprised if
I pick up the phone.
Right, Karine?
The answer is an emphatic yes.
Who to? To me.
No, no, she meant me.
I'll tell you what. Flip a coin.
Bye-bye. Bye.
Some guys never learn.
(Jack Jones' "The
Love Boat" playing)