The Love Boat (1977–1987): Season 2, Episode 11 - Heads or Tails/Mona of the Movies/The Little People - full transcript

(Jack Jones' "The
Love Boat" playing)

♪ Love ♪

♪ Exciting and new ♪

♪ Come aboard ♪

♪ We're expecting you ♪

♪ And love ♪

♪ Life's sweetest reward ♪

♪ Let it flow ♪

♪ It floats back to you ♪

♪ The Love Boat ♪

♪ Soon will be
making Another run ♪



♪ The Love Boat ♪

♪ Promises something
For everyone ♪

♪ Set a course for adventure ♪

♪ Your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ And love ♪

♪ Won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ It's an open smile ♪

♪ On a friendly shore ♪

♪ It's love ♪

♪ Welcome aboard It's love ♪

( upbeat theme playing)

There you are.

Ooh. And there you are.

And as much as I'm loving this,



I'm really gonna
have to check in.

Oh, please, Miss Maxwell.

I've seen every
one of your movies.

Oh, how brave of you. I
ought to get your autograph.

Miss Maxwell.

Oh, Merrill. Oh. Welcome back.

The Princess always sails better

when there's a queen onboard.

Now, I didn't know
your ship was equipped

with a Blarney Stone.

(laughing)

Adam. Mona.

If your beauty gets
any more dazzling,

I'm gonna have to
wear dark glasses.

Mm. Now, no matter what you
say, I'm not gonna marry you.

But meet me later, and
we'll talk about fooling around.

Oh-ho. Oh, ho-ho.

Ha-ha-ha. Oh, and here
are some more old friends.

Oh, Isaac, my
favorite bartender.

Welcome back, Miss Maxwell.

Thank you. And Julie.

Hi. Welcome back. Hi.

I see we have booked

an entire boatload
of your admirers.

Oh, dear. They keep
showing those old musicals

of mine on the late show.

I must be responsible

for the sale of a
million Slice-A-Matics.

(chuckles)

Excuse me. Wasn't that, uh...?

Mona Maxwell. She
sails with us every year.

Really? It's her
really, in the flesh?

You're a fan? Oh, ho, ho, ho.

I mean, that was a star. Yeah.

Not like these kids
they have today.

(laughs)

Come on, I'll introduce you.

Oh, no. She wouldn't
wanna meet me.

Yeah, she would.
She's regular people.

I don't wanna be
any trouble. Come on.

(laughing)

Here's someone
who'd like to meet you.

Here she is, in
the flesh. Hello.

Heh. I can't believe
it's your flesh. Heh.

I-I mean, I can't
believe you're alive.

I mean... I mean, I think I'll go
to my cabin and fix my mouth.

Hmm. I'm flattered. I think.

(all laughing)

Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow.

The brochure said
"fabulous," but this is fabulous.

Look at the way it's decorated.

You could learn
something about fixing up

your apartment from this place.

Good taste.

I already have good taste.

I suppose I have bad taste?

No, no. You have no taste.

Hello. Good morning.

Welcome back. Hi. Welcome back.

Oh, I'm in love.

Where, where? Over there.

Hey, I don't think
he's your type.

She's gorgeous, and
she's crazy about me.

She hasn't even seen you yet.

Hey, some things are
chemical, man. Watch this.

Hi, doll. What's your sign?

Julie McCoy, cruise director.

Pay no attention
to this buffoon.

You and I can make
beautiful music together.

What? And put your
monkey out of work?

Love a girl with
a sense of humor.

Yeah, love a guy
with an original line.

Pardon me, gentlemen. May
I have your names, please?

Alex Lambert, at
your service, miss.

Wally Fountaine.

Oh, yes, you're on the
Fiesta Deck. Cabin 264.

Happy cruising.

I'll see you later,
just as soon as

I get rid of the excess baggage.

My cabin, as soon
as I dump my father.

Bye.

I don't know why,
but I get the feeling

that deep down inside,

those two crazy guys are
some really nice people.

That's what I like
about you, McCoy.

You're such a sap.

Hey. Nice boat.

Real, real nice boat. Heh-heh.

Tell me, Dottie.

How does this compare
to the Mayflower?

Oh, stop it, Ralph.

Try to act respectable. At
least for our anniversary.

GOPHER: Hello.

I'm Yeoman Purser Smith.
I'm here to check you in.

We're the Warrens, and
I'm here to check her out.

Excuse my husband,
Mr. Smith. He's a little crazy.

Who said "little?" Ha-ha-ha.

Hey, what took
you so long, shorty?

Well, I had to catch
up with the bags.

What'd you guys do? Pack
for a trip around the world?

You know I never do
things in a small way.

Who said "small"?

(laughter)

This is our son, Doug.

Oh, hi.

Uh, well, let's see.

Warren, you've
got adjoining cabins

on Fiesta Deck, 287, 289.

Son, I can't thank you enough.

What a wonderful way to
spend our silver anniversary.

It's something I've wanted
to do for a long time.

Hey, hey, enough of this
gab. I'm ready for a short beer.

Who said "short"? Ah-ha.

I'm gonna take the
bags, check out the cabin.

I'll catch you guys later, okay?

Oh, great. Okay,
but don't be long.

Don't say it.

(all laugh)

Come on, honey.
Take care of the bag.

Catch you later.

Your parents are a kick.

Yeah, they are the
greatest. WOMAN: Hi.

Hello. You're, um...
Oh, I know you.

Uh, the elevator at
the Spelling building.

Right, you get off at the
16th floor, I get off at the 25th.

Hi, Doug Warren, stockbroker.

Beth Donaldson. Advertising.

Gopher Smith. Shipping.

Isn't it amazing? After
a year of just nodding

to each other on the elevator,
we finally get a chance to meet.

Yeah.

Yeah. Um...

I'm gonna take the bags,
but I'll see you later, yeah?

Oh, you bet you will.

Yeah, okay. Yeah.

I'm glad to see
you. Yeah, me too.

Super, isn't he?

Well, he's no Burl Smith.

Who? Burl Smith. Big...

Uh. You don't know him.

(boat horn blows)

( upbeat theme playing)

(people chattering excitedly)

You've gotta be kidding.

What schnook would
wear a shirt like that?

You. I borrowed this
from you last year.

On me it looked good. Huh.

A hair dryer?

You've gotta be careful.

You could blow your
toupee over the side.

This happens to be the exact
same kind Joe Namath uses.

Joe wears a rug?

Get lost, will you, please?

All right, okay, okay.

I got a very important
decision here.

Which threads will Julie prefer

when I sweep her off
her feet at dinner tonight?

You couldn't sweep her off
her feet if you were a broom.

Oh, no?

Well, watch me and
learn from a master.

A thousand bucks says
I'm the one she falls for first.

A thousand bucks?

Wally, you can't afford
to lose that kind of money.

I'll make it easy for
you. Let's make it 500.

Hey, I'm your buddy.

I can't take 500 from
you you don't have.

I'll settle for...$12.

I'll tell you what. Let's
keep things in your league.

Make it a pizza.

With anchovies? You're on.

All right.

( sedate theme playing)

Mm. For you, sir?

Uh, screwdriver, please.

Screwdriver.

Don't I know you from somewhere?

That's it. Screwdriver.

In your hand, under my car.

I used to be a mechanic.

And I used to have an old
heap with a chronic oil condition.

I got a chain of ten
auto-repair shops now.

I got a newer heap with
a chronic oil condition.

Oh, hi, Miss Maxwell.

Isaac, one of your notorious
piña coladas, please.

Oh. I'll bring it right over.

Great.

Oh. Hi.

Hi.

I see you two are
finally speaking.

Ah, yes, he sent
me a dozen roses,

and I just couldn't stay mad.

I'm talking about you
and Mona Maxwell.

I don't know what came
over me in the lobby there.

I mean, I didn't have
anything to say. I mean...

she's been my idol for years,
and I'm just an ordinary schmo.

Oh, look, she made
a couple of movies.

But I'll bet if you asked
her to dinner tonight,

she'd probably say yes.

Oh. Ha! Yeah. Yeah.

Ah. Would you like to
have dinner with her?

Hm. Yeah, but I'm
sure she's busy.

Oh. I'll go find out. No, Isaac.

Oh. Thank you.

Miss Maxwell, my friend
Mr. D'Angelo would like to know

if he could have the pleasure
of dining with you tonight.

Tell Mr. D'Angelo
that I'd be delighted.

Hey, how do you like
that? There's my girl.

Your girl?

By tonight, you'll be
eating your heart out,

and I'll be eating the pizza.

Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Hi, gorgeous.
Hello, Mr. Lambert.

Oh, Alex, please. Alex.

Oh, nothing like the
good sea air, is there?

It's even better
when you breathe it.

Hey, not so hard. Poor guy.

Now, what time shall I pick
you up for dinner and dancing?

Oh, well, I...
Don't answer that.

Julie, I'm about to rescue you

from the most boring
evening of your entire life.

I'll be at your cabin at
8. Well, no, I really can't...

Don't you say a word
unless it's yes to me.

But come on... You're
making a big mistake.

No, I'm not. No. Ah-ah-ah-ah.

You guys are crazy. Why don't
we all have dinner together?

No, no, no. Lousy
idea. Will you butt out?

You don't know how to dance.

Hey, boys. Boys. How about this?

I'll have dinner with Alex
and go dancing with Wally.

No good. No way. Uh-uh.

All right, then, I'll
have dinner with Wally

and go dancing with Alex.

That's fair enough.

Once you're with me,
you'll never wanna leave.

Well... Until
tonight, my beauty.

Is he kidding?

When you get a load of
this guy's table manners,

you won't last
past the appetizer.

I'll see you on the dance floor.

It's love.

Hm. How do you like
that? She loves me.

You? Yeah, me.

Look in the mirror
sometime, will you?

Look in her eyes.

(speaking indistinctly)

Mamma mia.

I'd like to be around
when she reaches puberty.

Just cool it, Ralph.
She's not your type.

She is if you give me a boost.

Who said that?

How did you put up
with him for 25 years?

What could I do? It was
either him or Mickey Rooney.

Mickey Rooney.

Hey, Doug.

The ship's crawling
with pulchritude.

What are you hanging around us?

Because I want to. I
mean, this is for you.

But that doesn't mean
you can't have a good time.

I think we're inhibiting him.

In that case, how about
a game of shuffleboard?

Great idea.

And don't give me the
short end of the stick.

Who said that?

I didn't.

Um...

if there's anything
you can't handle, kid,

you know my cabin number.

Come on, Ralph. (humming)

( sedate theme playing)

Step to the rear, please.

Let the man with
the coffee cart out

before his doughnuts go bad.

Hi, hi, hi. Hi, hi.

Whoa. If you wore that to work,

nobody would ever
get off the elevator.

Can I buy you a drink?

Oh, of course.

Oh, but I think I
should warn you.

I'm already
committed for dinner.

Oh, yeah? Who's the lucky guy?

You. Ha-ha.

By the way, did I tell you
that I was aggressive?

I'll tell you when
to stop. Okay.

Um... this cruise

is a silver anniversary
present for my parents.

You don't mind if
they join us, do you?

Oh, no. I'd love to meet them.

Look, any parents of yours
are prospective in-laws of mine.

Anybody ever tell you
you were aggressive?

Well, wait, do you
wanna take another look?

( peaceful theme playing)

That's a very beautiful dress
you have on, Miss Maxwell.

Or may I call you...?

(knock on door)

Oh, Mr. D'Angelo. I'm so sorry,

but Captain Stubing reminded me

that I promised to have
dinner with him tonight.

He's entertaining some
bigwigs from the shipping line,

and, well, I guess they
wanted to meet me.

Can we make it another time?

Oh, sure. We'll
make it another time.

Thank you, and I'm
sorry for such short notice.

Hey, look. Uh, I know how it is.

( slow, dramatic theme playing)

How it is, is... I'm a jerk.

( upbeat theme playing)

She is a sensational girl.

And I know you two
are gonna like her.

You know, I-I think
she'd like you better

in your other tux shirt.

You know, the one
with all the ruffles.

Nobody asked you.

Doug, you look
great. Thanks, Mom.

Oh, here, uh... bought
you a little present.

Put some on. Heh.

Cologne. Oh, thanks, Pop,
but I already used some.

Well, put some more on.

Can't do you any harm
to be a sweet smeller.

Ah. Better get out of here
before he gives you a haircut.

You know, we are gonna
be the best-looking foursome

in that dining room.

Right.

But, uh, we'll be two twosomes.

No, what do you mean?

I already told Beth
you were coming.

Look, it's your first
date with the girl.

You don't want us tagging along.

Now... It's for your
own good, son.

I mean, uh, she'd
see what a killer I am,

and then you'd be
out of the running.

(disco playing)

(inaudible dialogue)

Hey, uh, Gopher. Hm?

Listen, uh, you must
know Julie pretty well. Oh.

Well, um, did she ever
say what turns her on?

Yeah.

Warren Beatty.

What kind of a tip is that?

If you were Warren
Beatty, you'd be thrilled.

Hello, Gopher.

Wally, thank you for
dinner. I had a lovely time.

My pleasure, Julie.

I don't understand
one thing, however.

How can you go from
champagne and caviar

to... chopped liver?

(chuckles)

Well, Julie, the mercy
date is over for the evening.

Prince Charming is here
to dance the night away.

See you later, honey.

I will leave a light
in my porthole.

Oh.

Your friend's a clown.

Yeah, laughing on
the outside and, uh,

weeping on the inside.

Poor guy. Oh, yeah? Why's that?

Well, listen, uh, don't
tell him I told you this,

but he's miserable.

He wanted to bring his
fiancée on this trip with him,

but she had to stay
home and work, you know.

They're saving every penny
they have for the honeymoon.

And I gave him this trip

as sort of a
pre-wedding present.

Oh, you gave him this trip?

Yeah, well, you know,
a single guy like me.

Who have I got to spend
my money on, you know?

Except my friends
and, uh, my girl.

If I had a girl.

Isn't that strange?

He told me that he
brought you on this cruise.

Yeah. Well, like you
say, he's a crazy clown.

Listen, uh, shall we
trip the light Travolta?

Sure.

Oh, I just love disco dancing.

Whoever invented it is a genius.

Yeah, well, I know
who invented it.

Same guys who invented
skateboards and hang gliders.

(laughing)

Orthopedic surgeons of America.

They're cleaning up from this.

Speaking of surgeons,
sir? May I cut in?

Oh, you sure may.

Thank you, Gopher. Thank you.

I hear your dinner date
got cancelled. Sorry.

Look, I'm sorry. I
embarrassed her, you know.

Pushing myself on her like that.

I mean, what does
she want with me,

when she's got the
cream of the ship?

Gopher? The cream?

Well, the sour cream maybe.

Oh, he's putting
me on again, Dottie.

No, it's really
the truth, captain.

I mean, all these years

I've been working
as a court clerk.

Oh, what court?

Small claims.

Oh, who said that? (laughing)

Excuse me. Some
more ice, please.

Oh, I... I didn't know they
allowed children at the bar.

Oh, they're not
children. They're...

They call themselves
"little people."

Come on, I want you to meet 'em.

I know 'em pretty well. Uh...

Maybe another time,
okay? C... Come on.

Oh, I'm sorry I acted
like such an idiot

about those little people.
Oh, you weren't an idiot.

Anybody can get uptight
when they see someone

different from themselves.

It's easily overcome.

All you need is a
chance to meet 'em.

I... I guess I have
this deep-seated fear

that maybe a child of
mine could turn out like that.

Heh-heh. Uh... Beth, ahem,

those little people...

Are in there, and
we're out here.

( tender theme playing)

We should try that in
an elevator sometime.

There's a lot of
things we should try.

Not in an elevator.

(disco music playing)

She is the most beautiful dancer

in the world.

Maybe not the whole world.

Why don't you get out there.

Cut in.

Nah. What are you...?

Go ahead. Drop it, will you?

Look, I'm not in her league.

Hey, do you hear that song?

She danced with Gene
Kelly to that song in...

What was the name of that movie?

Shall we dance?

Gene Kelly wasn't in Shall We...

Oh. It's you.

Heh.

Hi. Hi.

Uh, well, I'm, uh... I'm
asking you to dance.

Uh.

Are you sure?

Well, of course I'm
sure, Mr. D'Angelo.

May I call you Artie?

(slow jazzy tune playing)

How about that? I just
produced my first movie:

Artie Meets Mona.

Take one.

(sighs)

It's a lovely evening, isn't it?

Oh, it sure is.

Well, so much for small talk.

I came out here
for some fresh air.

I'm crazy about you, Julie.

Well, that's nice, Alex.

But a girl likes to be romanced.

ALEX: Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Julie, you're the most
beautiful girl I've ever seen.

Your eyes, Julie.

Y... Your eyes are like
limpid pools of sapphires.

Alex. I must have you.

If... If I can't, I-I'll
throw myself overboard.

Have a nice swim.

I... I love you, Julie.

I'm crazy about you. I need you.

Well, Alex, there are
right and wrong ways

to go about these things.

Now, just follow me, okay?

First, we close our eyes.

They're closed.

Next, you pucker up.

I'm puckered.

Mm-hm.

Now, count to five,
and when you reach five,

put your arms around
me and kiss me.

Okay.

Ready?

One. Two.

Three.

Four.

Five.

(chuckling)

Six.

Seven.

Eight.

(laughing)

Oh, Artie. Oh, you're
such a wonderful dancer.

I'm no Gene Kelly.

No, you're not. But then,
he's no Artie D'Angelo.

Heh.

Oh. You know, you have
never told me what you do.

Oh, what's to tell?

You know, I own a
string of, uh, auto shops.

Oh. It's called Tune-Up Town.

I'm sort of the mayor.

(both chuckle)

And I play poker with the
boys once a week, you know,

and I, uh... I go to
the Laker games.

All of those. But that
wouldn't interest you.

You know, if they had a couple
of forwards that could shoot,

they'd win a lot more games.

You're a fan?

Heh-heh. You know it. (laughing)

Heh.

Oh, uh... Hey, look, uh...

This is, uh... This
is where I, uh...

I mean, this is my room.

So I don't wanna take up, uh

any more of your time,

so I'll just say good night.

Artie, let's get
something straight.

You are not taking up my time.

I enjoy your company.

Now, um, why don't you
invite me in for a nightcap?

You're kidding?

STUBING: Mona. Sure.

I'm glad I caught you.

We're going to my
cabin for a nightcap.

Won't you join us?
Both of you. Come.

That's, uh... That's
okay. Why don't

you just go along
with your friends?

Oh, no. Not unless you come too.

Oh, yeah, sure. I'll... Promise.

Yeah, yeah. I'll...
I'll meet you there.

Well, all right,
but don't be long.

Hm-hm.

( melancholy theme playing)

(sighs)

( mellow theme playing)

Oh. Julie, Julie, Julie.

Julie, stop!

Look! Ha-ha.

I know you're crazy about
me, but I'm only human.

Cut out the racket.

What? Oh. Excuse me.

I, uh... I guess I was
dreaming about last night.

Okay. (sighs)

What didn't happen?

Wally, Wally, Wally.

There are some things

that a gentleman
does not talk about.

Let's just simply say

I like my pizza with thick crust

and extra cheese, okay?

Meaning you got to first
base with Miss McCoy?

I would call it more of
a grand slam home run.

You would? Mm-hm.

I'd call it a strikeout.

I saw you at the rail.

I'm all puckered.
One, two, three.

You are a peeping Tom.

Oh, come on. There was
nothing worth peeping at.

Why don't you
give up on my girl?

I got another hot
number for you anyway.

555-4496.

Who's that? Pizza Pete.

He delivers.

( sedate theme playing)

Hello.

Hi. Hi.

Good morning. Good morning.

Sorry I'm late for
breakfast, but I slept in.

That's funny. We
went by your room

to pick you up this morning,
and there was no answer.

Don Juan strikes again? (laughs)

DOTTIE: Leave him alone, Ralph.

Do you like her?

I'm nuts about her.

There's some problems, but...

Well, there's always problems.

When I think of what your
mother and I went through.

It took her months before
she bought me a ring.

Oh.

I can hardly wait to meet Beth.

You did invite her to our
anniversary party tonight?

Not yet, no.

Why don't you invite
her to have lunch with us,

and we'll invite
her to the party.

Okay, um, but if
we don't show up,

you guys go on ahead
without us, okay?

Great. Okay?

( melancholy theme playing)

What's with him?

Nothing.

He's gotta leave the
nest sooner or later.

Did it ever occur to you, uh,
he could be ashamed of us?

I don't believe that for a
minute, and neither do you.

No, I don't.

But, uh, just to be
on the safe side, uh,

let's grow between
now and lunchtime?

(laughs)

So?

So, what?

So you spent the evening

with the girl of your dreams.

You held her in your arms

and danced the night away.

Are you happy,
sad... fed up, in love,

disgusted, or none of the above?

I had a great time until...

Good morning, Miss Maxwell.

Morning, Miss M.
Good morning, Doc.

Morning, Miss
Maxwell. Morning, Isaac.

Morning, Mona. Drop
dead, Mr. D'Angelo.

Sounds like she had
a great time to me.

Uh, couldn't we go someplace
where we could be alone?

Hey, I've gotta get these
papers to the captain.

Great, I'll come with
you. He can marry us.

That's a myth. Captains
don't marry people.

Then we'll settle for
the use of his cabin.

Hey, what is it
with you and Alex?

Oh, him. Poor Alex.

He... You've been
like a tonic to him.

What?

Well, you've been such
an influence on him, Julie.

Uh... How can I
put this... delicately?

You see, Alex...

Alex has never really been
interested in women before.

I mean, before you.

It's not his fault though.

It's a tragic football
injury in high school.

Alex warned me
that you'd do anything

to get me interested in you.

But it's not gonna work.

He also told me
about your fiancée.

I don't have a fiancée.

He said you'd say that
too. I don't, believe me.

He told me you'd plead.

Why, that no-good,
rotten creep. I'll kill him.

Well, while you're killing him,

I'm gonna go take these
papers to the captain.

Don't rush.

It's gonna take Alex
a long time to die.

(knock on door)

Oh, come in. It's open.

Hi. Well, I'm ready for lunch.

How do I look?

Aren't I the most beautiful
thing you've ever seen?

Oh, I know, I know.
Too pushy. Hm.

Oh, but I don't care. I've
decided to have 16 kids,

and every one of 'em's
gonna look just like you.

How's that for
pushy? Beth, we...

Hey. I'm trying to tell
you that I love you.

Look, Beth. This
was all a mistake.

Let's just forget
about us, okay?

What? No.

I'm really sorry.

Hey. What did I do?

Don't... go.

(piano playing,
people chattering)

(laughing)

Ah. Here it is.

Oh. Thank you,
my dear. Thank you.

Mm.

Mm. Mm. Now, my favorite

was the one where you
and that young marine

were tap dancing all over
those antiaircraft guns.

Oh, you mean, uh, Desert Moon.

Desert Moon? On a ship?
No, that doesn't make sense.

Oh, it did when they
paid me $100,000

and, uh, 10
percent of the gross.

(Stubing laughs)

All right, tell us about
the time the horse bit you.

You're gonna love this.

(laughs)

We were making a horse opera.

Uh, and usually, that
means a Western.

Anyway, in this
particular picture,

I actually had to sing
opera sitting on a horse.

Mona... could we talk?

I am talking.

Well, anyway, there
was this horse...

Privately.

Would you excuse us?

Captain... you tell the
rest of the story, will you?

He tells it much better
than I do anyway.

Anyway, there was this horse...

Now, what's your story?

Come on outside, will you?

Ooh. I feel like such a klutz

turning my ankle
playing Ping-Pong.

Well, I still think
you should see Doc.

No, what I really
need is to just get off it.

Here, give me the key,
and I'll open the door.

Yeah.

Lean on me. Ooh.

Careful.

BOTH: Whoa.

Oh, wait, let me close the door.

That's good. Whoop.

What are you doing?
I'm kissing you.

Well, what about your ankle?

There's nothing wrong
with my ankle. It's my heart.

Mwah.

No, no. You're crazy.

Ohh. Oh.

Wally. Don't you knock?

Congratulations.
You win the bet.

The bed. You... The bed.

You said "bet." What
bet? No. He said "bed."

He said "bet." He said "bed."

Didn't you?! Alex.

Come on. What's the sense
of going on with this little ruse?

We did have a bet.

About what?

You. We had a bet to see
which one of us would...

Uh... I'm so ashamed.

You're also a jerk.

That I was a bet?

I can't believe
this. The two of you.

You and he and... Oh.

You're upset.

Oh.

(chuckles)

She was almost mine.

Well, almost does
not a winner make.

You realize that now
she's so steaming,

neither of us has a chance.

Speak for yourself.
We haven't docked yet.

Miss Donaldson, can
I fix you something?

Yeah. How are you
at fixing broken hearts?

Fine, if you don't
mind them coming out

looking like a banana daiquiri.

That'll do for a start.

Okay. One banana...

Hey, uh, hello,
folks. How you doing?

Howdy-doody.

Can I get you something?

Oh, yeah. Let me see.

Uh, two piña coladas.

And don't you
dare ask for our IDs.

(laughs)

Promise. Okay.

Ah. Hi. Heh.

I know it's easy to overlook us,

but, uh, I don't know
why I overlooked you.

You're the second most
beautiful girl onboard.

Dottie's number one.

Ralph, are you flirting again?

Try to pick on
someone your own size.

Who said that?

(both laughing)

Uh, excuse me, I
really have to go.

DOTTIE: Pardon me.

But you look like you
just lost your best friend.

Uh... Well, I did.

I guess he wasn't
my best friend.

A boyfriend?

Kind of.

Yeah, he dropped me just
like that, and I don't know why.

I guess maybe I
came on too strong.

Here we go. Two piña
coladas and a brand new heart.

Thank you.

Maybe he just got cold feet.

Remember how it
was with us, honey?

Uh-huh. We already set
the wedding date, and...

And then one day, I panicked.

Why?

RALPH: Well, being little, uh,

we wondered...

Well... Well, you know,
about kids and everything.

Maybe that's what
scared him off.

I was talking about kids.

Sixteen of them.

Sixteen?

You better have a pretty
good diaper service.

(all laugh)

Did you have kids?

Oh, yes, we have two.

A beautiful married daughter,

compact-sized, like us.

Then there's our son.

Uh, the jolly green giant.

Heh. Uh...

a wonderful boy. And in
fact, if he hadn't met someone,

I'd like to introduce
you to him.

Well, if I hadn't met
someone, I'd take you up on it.

Listen, this fellow
you care about:

Don't you give up
on him without a fight.

Why, I stuck to Ralph like glue,

and so far it's lasted.

Twenty-five years today.

Oh, 25 years. Mm-hm.

( melancholy theme playing)

Uh...

did your son bring you onboard
to celebrate your anniversary?

He sure did.

Oh. Well, then I
will take your advice.

Oh. Thank you. Heh.

Mwah. Oh. Mwah.

You're wonderful people.

No. Just people.

So long, Beth.

BOTH: Beth.

Ha.

Va-va-voom.

( mellow theme playing)

It's been a long time
since I've been stood up.

I may not be box office anymore,

but this is ridiculous.

Look, I didn't mean
to stand you up.

I just thought you'd
rather be with your friends.

I only went to
the captain's party

because I thought
you would join me.

Really? Really.

Would you like it
engraved in marble?

I'm sorry.

Now, are we going to
have a Mexican dinner

in town tonight or not?

Because if we are,

I have about... 30
invitations to cancel.

I wouldn't want you
to disappoint anybody.

Artie! Okay, okay.
We're having dinner.

Gee. Thanks a lot.

( tranquil theme playing)

Julie. Just forget about it.

It was a harmless little joke.

Oh-ho-ho, yeah. Betting
on me like I was a racehorse.

Ah. Don't look now.
Here come your lovers.

WALLY: Julie, my darling.

Can a guy apologize
to a girl over a drink?

Sure.

If the guy's drink is arsenic.

I don't blame you.

Look, um, Julie...

I know that this
whole thing started out

as a kind of childish game.

But somewhere along the line,

it stopped being a game for me

and became something
very, very real.

Mm-hm.

It was real for me too, Alex.

It was?

A real pain in the neck.

Would you two both get lost?

Gopher. (clears throat)

Being a little rough on them.

Hey, Gopher. I've had
it with those two jerks.

Now, Julie, wait a
minute. If you think about it,

they paid you a
very high compliment.

Oh, pardon me.
Make that three jerks.

No, no, wait.
Just think about it.

(in dramatic tone):
Julie, it's love.

It's love! It's love.

It's also...

(in dramatic tone):
horsefeathers.

But I know what you mean.

( mellow theme playing)

(soft jazzy tune playing)

That's nice.

Looks like love to me.

Good old ship,
you've done it again.

(chuckles)

Mm. This champagne is delicious.

Isn't it, Doug?

Nothing but the best for
our silver anniversary. Heh.

Just think how
lucky you are, Dottie.

Twenty-five years with

the last of the big spenders.

Who said that? Heh-heh.

Are you sure your
Beth won't be joining us?

No, Mom, she's not coming.

Uh, come on,
Dottie, let's dance.

Oh, Doug, don't drink
up all the champagne

before we get back. Heh.

Sippy, sippy. Ha-heh.

It's all your fault.

My fault? All your fault.

Yeah... Hi, guys.

I had... Listen, it's his fault.

I will accept none of
the responsibility of this.

You are a fool, my
friend. (whistles)

I'm not mad at you anymore.

You mean it?

Mm-hm. And to prove it,

I want the three of us to spend
every possible minute together

for the rest of this cruise.

The three of us? Uh-huh.

You mean, you're never
gonna choose between us?

No.

Well, I guess we never
find out who wins the pizza.

Pizza?!

That's all I was worth
to you, is a pizza?

With anchovies?

(all laughing)

Ancho... Those little things.

(laughs): A pizza.

All out for the 17th floor,

including all stockbrokers
and their wives.

I know. Too pushy. Beth...

Look, I got a couple of pieces

of good advice this afternoon.

The first was... the only
way to fix a broken heart

was to turn it into
a banana daiquiri.

The second was,
if you find a guy

you're madly in love with,

stick to him like
glue, no matter what.

So... I'm... I'm sticking.

Okay, uh, ahem,

then there's something
you gotta know.

You see those two small
people dancing over there?

They're my folks.

And they are the two most
wonderful people in the world.

I know.

You know what else?

I'm not gonna stop bugging you

until it's our 25th
anniversary. Heh.

Now, uh, do me a favor, huh?

Pour me a little champagne.

Sure, it's our anniversary,

and you're doing
all the celebrating.

Oh.

Happy anniversary.

(drum roll playing)

ALL: Happy anniversary!

(all clapping)

Hey. Look at that.

Congratulations.

Oh, it's beautiful. You
shouldn't have done it.

Well, I'm sure
glad they did. Ha.

I only have one
question, captain.

Uh, what's that?

Why did they make
the cake so small?

BOTH: Who said that?

(all laughing)

Mm. What a night.

Heh.

Sure beats bowling
with the boys.

(both chuckle)

Oh.

Stay here with me.

I want to, but... No buts.

Oh.

Would you believe I'm nervous?

For once, I'm not.

Artie, it's just that
you have this...

This image of me,
and I... I'm scared. I...

I'm scared I
can't live up to it.

You've already lived
up to and beyond

any dream I ever had.

You're a warm, wonderful lady.

And I happen to
be in love with you.

Wow. Just like in the movies.

Heh.

( mellow theme playing)

I haven't been up this early
since I had a paper route.

(both chuckling)

Well, it must be love.

It is.

You know, I'm starving.

Isn't it time for breakfast yet?

Another hour. Another hour.

But I don't wanna
waste a single moment

of our last day at sea.

You know, it's back
to the elevator for us.

Hm.

Would I be rushing
things, do you think,

if I said that I might like to
take you away from all that?

Oh, you mean, uh,
we'd use the stairs?

(grunts) (laughs)

What's the matter
with rushing things?

Okay, if we married
and had kids...

it's almost a hundred percent
that they'd be normal. Mm-hm.

But there is a
chance in a million...

that they'd be small.

You know, a couple of days ago,

that would have scared
the daylights out of me.

Now?

Knowing your parents...

it just doesn't
make any difference.

Ah.

Hm.

How am I gonna
get back to my room

without everybody pointing?

It's obvious I haven't
been there all night.

Ha. I'll lend you
one of my suits.

Hm. Wrong size.

Here, you can have my pajamas.

Oh. It won't match
my shoes and bag. Ha.

Oh, Artie. Artie, you're great.

The feeling is mutual.

(chuckles)

Heh.

I'm never gonna
forget you, Mona.

Well, now, wait a minute.

That sounds like
you're saying goodbye.

Well, I... I am, really.

I mean, I wouldn't presume
to think that this could...

I don't believe it.

Y-you think that I'm
the kind of a woman

who plays one-night stands?

That I'm some cheap broad?

Oh, mister, you've been

seeing too damn many movies.

Mona. Mona.

Oh.

What the hell am I doing?

I love you, Artie.

Don't let me go out this door.

It's lonely out there.

Oh, I won't, Mona.

Not even if you wore
my suit and my pajamas.

(laughing)

( upbeat theme playing)

(boat horn blows)

BRICKER: Bye-bye. So long.

We had a terrific time, guys.

Oh, good. Yes,
thank you so much.

It's a pleasure. We
hope to see you again.

Listen, why don't you
reserve a cabin now

for your golden anniversary?

Good idea. Especially if
our son springs for it. Heh.

I wonder where he is.

Hey, shorty.

Ah. One minute.

RALPH: You know what they say.

Like father, like son.

Oh, come on, Ralph.

Stop trying to be
such a big shot.

BOTH: Who said that?

(both laugh)

Hey. So long.

Oh, it was wonderful. Goodbye.

Bye-bye, Mrs. Warren.
Nice to meet you.

Hey, let's go, dear.

GOPHER: So long.

Julie. Julie. Yeah.

Have you finished work yet?

Just about. Gopher? Mm-mm.

Would you please take care of

the rest of the
passengers for me?

Where are you going?
To get a pizza. My treat.

With anchovies.

Anchovies? Sausage.

All right, anchovies,
sausage and onions.

Anchovies, sausage,
onions and green peppers.

No green peppers. I
want green peppers.

I want thick crust.

All right, anchovies,
sausage, onions, green pep...

(whistles)

Let's forget the pizza
and eat Chinese.

(speaks indistinctly)

WALLY: See you,
buddy. ALEX: So long.

Now, we're all
meeting Saturday night

at Chasen's for dinner, right?

I wouldn't miss it.

Wait till I tell my mom

I'm having dinner
with Mona Maxwell.

Oh, no.

You tell your mom
you're having dinner

with Artie D'Angelo
and his girl.

Ha. Okay.

Bye-bye, Isaac. Bye-bye.

Goodbye, Mona.
Thank you, Merrill.

Good luck, Artie.

(sighs)

( upbeat theme playing)