The Love Boat (1977–1987): Season 2, Episode 10 - Man of the Cloth/Her Own Two Feet/Tony's Family - full transcript

(Jack Jones' "The
Love Boat" playing)

♪ Love ♪

♪ Exciting and new ♪

♪ Come aboard ♪

♪ We're expecting you ♪

♪ And love ♪

♪ Life's sweetest reward ♪

♪ Let it flow ♪

♪ It floats back to you ♪

♪ The Love Boat ♪

♪ Soon will be
making Another run ♪



♪ The Love Boat ♪

♪ Promises something
For everyone ♪

♪ Set a course for adventure ♪

♪ Your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ And love ♪

♪ Won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ It's an open smile ♪

♪ On a friendly shore ♪

♪ It's love ♪

♪ Welcome aboard It's love ♪

( majestic theme playing)

Well, sir, I guess
everything's in order.

Not quite.

Chief Engineer Polansky
just phoned in sick.



Sick? Well, now, what
are we supposed to do?

We can't sail without
a chief engineer.

Where are we gonna
get one this late?

And how come he
picks today to get sick?

And why does this always
have to happen to me?

Keep Tony Santini
onboard. Cancel his leave.

Oh, but captain,
it's Thanksgiving.

Tony's made plans
with his family.

He's not gonna like this.

Miss McCoy, let me remind you,

the responsibilities of
command are rough.

I'm not gonna tell him.

Well, I'm not telling him.

Oh, sure.

Sure, leave the dirty
work to old Goph, right?

Well, why does it
always have to be me?

Hi, Tony.

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving.

You too, Tony.

Tony, wait.

Gopher has
something to tell you.

Well, say it quick.

My family's waiting
for me in the car.

Well, Tony,

you have a good
vacation. Thank you.

Tony, Polansky just phoned
in sick. He's got the flu.

Uh-huh? Now, don't yell,

but you have to stay onboard.

(shouts indistinctly)

I promise my family a
vacation in the mountains.

I make all of the plans,

and now you tell me I gotta
stay onboard and work?

Well, I'm not gonna do it.

Tony, please, we
can't sail without you.

Julie, you understand.

Renata and little Angelo,

they're waiting
for me in the car.

And with me, my
family comes first.

Tony, how would
Renata and little Angelo

like to take a cruise?

You mean on this ship?

Why not? Well, I'll
tell you why not...

Come on, Tony, go get them.

I'd love to see them.
Bring them onboard.

I can't wait to meet them.

We're gonna have
a wonderful cruise.

Yeah, go get 'em.

You be quiet.

STUBING (on PA): Good afternoon.

Captain Merrill
Stubing and his crew

welcome you aboard our
annual Thanksgiving cruise.

One small step for Audrey,
one big step for our vacation.

It's very crowded.

Oh, all the more
people to have fun with.

Besides, it's such
a beautiful ship,

all cheerful and bright.

And crowded.

You stay right there,

and I'll check on
our accommodations.

Well, you just
got a little lost,

which never would have happened

if you'd been in
my cabin with me.

Thanks, Doc, but no, thanks.

Now, I'm the one who's lost.

Anyway, there's
the Purser's Lobby.

(gasps)

Oh, excuse me, I'm sorry. Bert?

Bert? I'm here. I'm here, baby.

Oh, we should never have come.

She won't let me out
of her sight for a minute.

Come on, dear.

JULIE: Hello, welcome aboard.

Welcome aboard. Welcome aboard.

Hi, welcome aboard.

Reverend Whitney.

Oh, Mrs. Sharp, what a...
What a pleasant surprise.

You can't escape
the Women's Auxiliary.

They're everywhere.

I don't believe you've
met my husband.

Reverend Whitney, Phil Sharp.

Oh, yes, the empty seat next
to Mrs. Sharp every Sunday.

Conflict of interest.

Sunday's the only day
I can get to the track.

I like to think Phil does his
praying away from church.

I do, I do.

The way the ponies
have been running,

I need all the help I can get.

Well, I think this
is just wonderful.

I'll arrange for you
to sit at our table,

and we can
introduce you to just...

Oh, so many... Barbara, Barbara.

Don't worry, I'll do my best
to keep her out of your hair.

Phillip.

All I wanted to do was
introduce him to some people.

I thought it would be
a very nice thing to do.

Pronto, pronto.

Hey, here's Tony and his family.

Aiding and abetting stowaways.

I can't believe
you're doing this.

Gopher, it's only
two more people.

Who's gonna know the difference?

Come on, come on.

WOMAN: Come on.

(speaking in Italian)

(chicken squawks)

Grandma ain't
too sure about this.

She thinks we're sending
her back to the old country.

(horn blaring)

(people cheering)

( upbeat theme playing)

This was funnier when
the Marx Brothers did it.

Where are we
gonna put everybody?

Don't talk, you're
using up oxygen.

Julie, where are we
gonna put everybody?

We can't put them
in Tony's cabin,

he's got a roommate.

Well, we're just gonna
divvy everybody up.

Gopher, you can take the kids.

Uh, Renata and
Tony, if you don't mind,

you can sleep on cots
in Doc's waiting room.

And, Uncle Gino, you
can bunk with Isaac.

Uncle Gino?

Oh, he's a little
hard of hearing.

What's the difference? He
doesn't speak English anyway.

And that just leaves Grandma,
and she can stay here with me.

Now all we need's a
place for the chicken.

Don't fool with
Grandma's chicken.

She likes the children
to have fresh eggs.

Oh, well, that'll be different.

I've never had a
chicken for a roommate.

Be grateful she's
not into goat's milk.

Yeah.

Everybody, just make
yourselves at home.

And on the passenger decks,

blend in with the
other people, okay?

When it comes to meals,
we'll bring you your food.

And, kids, here's a
little spending money,

all right? Thank you.

They're silver dollars.

I get them from Las Vegas.

Or Las Vegas gets them from me.

Okay, remember,

stay clear of the
captain at all times.

Tony?

Gino. Mama.

(speaking Italian)

What did she say?

She says thank you.

The last time she was on a
ship, she traveled steerage,

and now she's
finally going first class.

Well, welcome aboard.

(giggles)

Hey, this is gonna work.

(squawks)

( light dramatic theme playing)

There we are.

Dresses on right,

slacks and jackets
on the left, okay?

Oh, I'll never remember.

(chuckles): It's all right,

I'll be here to help you dress.

Oh, Bert,

I'm never gonna make
it away from home.

Audrey, you're unpacking
your makeup case

just like every other
woman onboard this ship.

Oh, big deal.

Anybody can tell the difference

between a... A tube of
toothpaste and a jar of cold cream.

For everything else, I need you.

Sweetheart,

your sight has been
deteriorating badly

for the past year.

Your eyes are never
gonna be the same.

So we'll both just have
to adjust to it, that's all.

Adjust?

You don't know what
you're talking about.

Do you know what it's like

not to be able to do
anything for yourself?

But you can learn.

You can go to the
institute and learn.

Learn what? How to
make brooms and baskets?

You can learn to deal
with your problem.

And they'll teach
you to read Braille.

I'm too old to learn Braille.

Oh, no, you're not.

And you love to read.

I brought along your cane

just in case you
decide to use it.

But I can't use that cane.

People will think
I'm... I'm blind.

You are, Audrey.

Oh, please, don't say that.

Don't say that.

I'm sorry, baby.
I'm here, I'm here.

( upbeat theme playing)

This is a pleasure cruise.

Don't spoil it for him.

What an awful thing to say.

I was only trying
to make his cruise

a little more pleasant

by introducing him to
some nice young lady.

What's with you
and all your cronies?

Why is it so important
to get this guy married?

Because he has been
a widower for years.

And it is more seemly for
a minister to be married.

You're just trying to make
sure he doesn't have any fun.

Oh.

Well, now, that is
a likely prospect.

Why don't you let him
pick out his own girl?

Remember what
the Good Book says:

"Sex will find a way."

That is not in the Bible.

You have your Good
Book, I have mine.

Oh.

Pardon me.

Is this chair taken?

No, I... I've been, uh,

saving it for someone
exactly like you.

Hi.

Sure glad I fit the description.

(chuckles)

Good book?

Yeah, the best.

(chuckles)

They seem to like each other.

You be the flower girl,
I'll be the ring bearer.

No, no, no.

I'm going to find out her name

and see if I can
arrange for them

to be seated at the same table.

Don't be so subtle, just
handcuff them together.

Mm-hm.

(chuckling)

Good morning.
Enjoying the cruise?

Oh, yes, sir, thank
you very much.

Enjoying the cruise?

(speaking Italian)

You can look now.

It's gonna work.
They're all blending in.

Are chairs next to
you always empty?

Hi. Oh, am I glad to see you.

They told me I'd be sitting
with a Mr. Willis from Winnetka.

Well, if you'd prefer...

No, no, you sit right down here.

I feel a nice warm
glow about this.

You really outdid
yourself, honey.

Not only did you arrange
for them to have dinner,

but you also
arranged for yourself

to hear every word they say.

Well, I happen to be
a very interested party.

Well, I think I've had
enough of your parties.

Wha...?

All I know about you

is that you're a Jerry Whitney.

What do you do?

Well, don't tell
anyone, but, uh,

I'm a minister.

I don't believe it.

Yup. Reverend Gerald Whitney.

I've got a church
in Walnut Creek,

outside San Francisco.

Well, if you want
proof, I've got a sermon

that can put you to
sleep in three minutes.

(giggles)

Well, I don't usually,
uh, play 20 Questions.

What do you think I do?

Oh, let's see.

Um, I know you're
an international spy.

You are really Mr. Willis
from Winnetka in disguise.

You're warm. I'm a
dancer at Las Vegas.

Oh, really? Mm-hm.

You know that I
once thought about

taking tap-dancing lessons?

Uh, well, that's not
really my specialty.

I mean, mostly what I do

is take my clothes off.

(chokes)

(coughing)

(wheezing)

Are you all right, Mrs. Sharp?

Don't overdo it, now.

(wheezing)

Oh, what would
you like to begin?

Uh, shrimp cocktail,
prosciutto and melon?

You're not thrown?

By prosciutto and melon?

No, by my profession.

(chuckles): No.

No, I've always
considered stripping an art.

I like you. Why don't you
test me with that sermon?

I'll bet I stay awake.

Well, that was a
wonderful dinner.

Yes, sir,

I think the chef's trying
to put weight on me.

He keeps serving me extras.

What's this? That, uh...

That's a snack, sir.

I thought I'd take
it back to my cabin.

That's a snack?

Sir, that darn chef,

I can't seem to get him to stop.

You weren't supposed
to bring this in here.

It was supposed
to go in my cabin.

She's a stripper. Who?

That woman.

Where?

The one with Reverend Whitney.

Oh.

You mean the girl that
you set him up with?

(groans)

(laughs giddily)

Good for her.

How can you possibly laugh at...

You know, for all the time
you've spent in church,

there's one lesson
you've never learned:

to butt out.

(huffs)

Hi.

Hi.

Can I try?

Oh, I don't think so.

Kids aren't even
allowed in here.

You winning?

(laughs): Me... Oh, me winning?

They don't call me
Lucky Phil for nothing.

(laughs)

(machine buzzes)

I won. I won. Hey, I won!

(excited): I won. I... I won.

(laughs)

(light dinner music playing)

Good evening.

Oh, hello, doctor.

Would you think it
very forward of me

if I asked your beautiful
wife for a dance?

Oh, Audrey would love to dance.

As a matter of fact,

she used to win
a lot of trophies.

Wow. And I bet you're
just as good as ever.

No, I'd rather not, thank you.

But I was at the top of my
class at Arthur Murray's.

Bert, please take
me back to the cabin.

It's been a long day.
Please excuse us.

Don't tell me that a woman
is blind to your charms.

She is blind.

But she won't admit it.

(sighs)

It's beautiful, isn't it?

Mm. Very.

Would you believe
that all the way

through high school and college,

I never kissed a
girl on the first date?

Oh, really?

It certainly is nice
being out with you

again.

For a man who didn't
have much practice,

you kiss very nicely.

Well, it's hereditary.

My mother and father
were great kissers.

(giggles)

You just can't
beat good breeding.

Isaac.

Good evening, captain.

Room service for the crew?

Oh, warm milk for Gopher.

You know, he's been
having trouble sleeping.

The pressures of work...

Stop, you're breaking my heart.

(quiet squawking)

Did I hear a chicken?

(scoffs): No.

Probably a seagull
with the croup.

Uh, good night, captain.

(chuckles nervously)

Good night, Isaac.

GOPHER: "The poky
little puppy had to go to bed

"without a single
bite of shortcake,

"and he felt very
sorry for himself.

And the next..."

Where have you been, man?

Hey, the fuzz.

Oh, those two fell asleep
after The Great Big Fire Engine.

But Angelo here
has had five stories,

and he's still going strong.

Angelo, ready to go
to sleep now, right?

One more story.

Angelo, I'm out of stories.

One more, okay?

"New seven-day
cruises to Mexico."

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Let me try, okay?
Here, take this.

All right. Here you are, Angelo.

Right, just take
this milk, you know.

Enjoy it and relax.

Now, listen, I'm
gonna tell you a story.

(speaking slowly):
Once upon a time,

there was this
cool, laid-back chick

with yellow frizz in her hair.

I mean, she was
called Goldilocks.

And she got lost one day.

I mean L-O-double-S-T lost.

Now, what she did was,

she hotfooted it
to the nearest pad,

and she gloms on
the three bowls of grits.

There was a big bowl,
a medium-size bowl,

and a little bowl.

Now, what happened was,
after she had them grits,

well, she flakes out
for a little shuteye.

Now, dig this.

These three rinky-dink dudes

with big brown fur coats,

well, they come bopping on home.

You know: (humming coolly)

And what they do, the big one,
you know, he comes in there...

He got a big Afro
out to here, you dig?

And he says, uh:

Hey, mama, what you
doing sleeping in my bed?

The medium-size one...

See?

Finish the story.

(chicken squawking softly)

(snoring quietly)

(loud squawking)

( slow, dramatic theme playing)

(knock on door)

Oh, boy.

I'm sorry to disturb you, Tony,

but we're about five
minutes into office hours

and the parade of hangovers
is just about to begin.

If you wanna use my cabin
to wash up and get dressed...

No, no. Come on.

Gotta go. Come on.

(door opens)

Good morning.

Morning, captain.

Doctor, I need to...

Uh, what are these cots for?

Uh, cot drill, you
know, like lifeboat drill.

Yes.

Uh, Adam, look, I
wanna ask you something,

and I don't want you to laugh.

Go ahead.

Just don't laugh.

You're gonna
laugh, let's forget it.

No, captain, I'm
not gonna laugh.

Well, if I can't
trust a doctor...

Just don't laugh. Merrill.

All right, all right,
uh... Have you seen

any chickens on the ship?

No, sir.

Have you heard any chickens?

No, sir.

Oh.

(chuckles uneasily)

Just my imagination, I guess.

Thank you, doctor.

Thank you.

(Bricker laughing behind door)

Ah, I love an
early-morning swim.

Have a pool all to yourself,

even though I am
a lousy swimmer.

Ah, you're not so bad.

Oh, sure.

Come on, I'm the
only person I know

who could win a gold
medal in drowning.

(laughs)

I'll just be a minute.

(sighs)

Ah.

You know something?

You are absolutely beautiful.

Yeah.

Well, I kind of like
the way you look too.

Mm.

Boy, you must
wow them in church.

(laughs)

Jerry, are we crazy? Uh-huh.

I am, about you.

Yeah, well, what do
we have in common?

We like to swim
before breakfast.

Uh-huh, you swim, and I sink.

No, come on, we
like the same books,

and sports, and we don't gamble,

and we, uh...

We love our
neighbors as ourselves.

A little biblical
reference there.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, but a minister
and a exotic dancer?

Hey, listen, I will
preach to you,

and you can be exotic for me.

Reverend.

(chuckles)

I care for you very much.

I feel the same way about you.

That's something else we
have in common, isn't it?

Mm-hm.

Ah... Out, out, out.

Out?

Out. I'll meet you on deck.

All right, don't be long.

Hm.

Oh, good morning, Mrs. Sharp.

Uh, that's not
what it looks like.

We just came from
an early-morning swim.

(doubtfully): Mm-hm. Uh-huh.

Did you wanna check my trunks?

They're still wet.

I am shocked,

and I don't care if you know it.

Now, if you persist in carrying
on with that sort of woman...

REVEREND: Woman of what sort?

Well, the sort of
woman who would just...

A woman who would
be good and kind

and wouldn't take a potshot
at another human being

if her life depended on it.

MRS. SHARP: Well, I just
hope you have sense enough

not to let this go any further.

REVEREND: Mrs. Sharp, you know,

this is really none
of your concern.

Probably not,

but the board of trustees
will certainly make it theirs.

( dramatic theme playing)

( light, dramatic theme playing)

Why don't you play shuffleboard?

You know you love shuffleboard.

I'll just sit here.

I won't leave you here
alone with nothing to do.

How about dominoes?

Oh, Bert, you know
I hate dominoes.

Then we'll just relax
and enjoy the sun.

(sighs quietly)

I've got an idea.

Why don't I buy
my best girl a drink

before she goes for her
beauty parlor appointment,

huh?

What beauty parlor appointment?

The one I made for you.

Why? Don't I look all right?

Is everybody staring at me?

Audrey, nobody's staring at you.

But you always went for
your beauty parlor appointment

once a week.

Why change now?

Everything's changed now.

( somber theme playing)

In my considered
professional opinion,

I'd say you have a sore back.

It's been that way all morning.

I hope Uncle Gino slept well.

No one over 8 years old

should have to sleep on a cot.

Oh, you think babysitting
is more fun, hm?

How about sleeping with a
chicken clucking all night?

At least you know it's real.

The captain thinks
he's losing his marbles.

Wait a minute. (sniffs)

Why is my mouth
starting to water?

Garlic. Mm, onions.

Tomato sauce.

You're all losing your marbles.

(sniffing)

Here.

Oh!

Hey. I hope you
didn't have lunch.

We love you, and we
wanted to show you how much.

(all exchanging greetings)

(singing operatically)

Hey, you know, what we
need here is some Chianti.

Naturally.

ISAAC: Hey, well, listen,
I'll go liberate a bottle, okay?

Okay.

Oh, don't eat everything up.

I'll be back in a minute.
Save me some, okay?

Hurry back.

Hey, Tony, how do you stand it?

Stand what? It's my family.

A man's family is the best
thing in the whole world.

Without the noise, I'd go crazy.

But what about
when you're tired?

When I'm tired,
I get off the ship.

I come home to three
shining little faces

and my beautiful wife, Renata.

(clucking)

(clapping)

(sighs)

(clucking)

A chicken?

A chicken?

I thought I was losing my mind.

(sniffs)

Gino.

Dinner's ready, everybody.

Angelo. Angelo?

He's not here.

Neither is the chicken.

Oh, no.

Would you like to
explain this chicken?

Of course, sir.

But first, how about
some spaghetti?

Hi, I've been looking
all over for you.

You know that desertion
on the high seas

is a serious crime.

I could have you
thrown in the brig.

I'm sorry, I've been hiding out.

I realized I'm becoming
an embarrassment to you.

Embarrassment?

Jerry, I heard what
that Mrs. Sharp said.

Now, what about your
board of trustees, huh?

Ah, let me tell you something
about the life of a minister.

Every move that
he makes is subject

to the scrutiny of the board
and the Ladies' Auxiliary,

and every other single
member of his congregation.

But in order to lead my flock,

I first have to be in
charge of my own life.

I have to do what I believe in.

This above all: to
thine own self be true.

Right?

Well, it's not the Bible,

but Shakespeare's not bad.

You know, with a little
practice, you'd make a...

A great minister's wife.

( slow dramatic theme playing)

I'll wait for you in the cabin.

Have them call me
when you're done.

No. No, you be back in an hour.

I don't wanna wait here alone.

I'll be here.

I made your next
appointment for 4:30.

Oh, Mrs. Wyler? Yes.

We're ready for you.

My wife needs a little help.

Sprained her ankle.

Oh, I'm sorry. Of
course I'll help you.

See you in an hour.

We'll have her gorgeous for you.

Mr. Wyler.

This is absolutely
none of my business,

but why did you say

your wife sprained her ankle?

Well, what did you
want me to say?

What's wrong with the truth,

that she can't see at all?

She refuses to accept that.

I try to make
things easier for her.

Well, maybe in a way
you're making things harder.

Perhaps by letting
her lean on you,

you keep her from
standing alone.

So I shouldn't let
her lean on me, huh?

My wife of so many years,

the woman I cherish
more than life itself,

who can't even make it down
this passageway by herself.

No, thanks, Dr. Bricker.

I think Audrey and I can
do without your sage advice.

Sir, it's all my fault. I
take full responsibility.

It was the only way I could
think of to keep Tony onboard.

And are you prepared to
pay passage for all of them?

Well, sir, I... Julie,

you know that stowaways
have to pay the fare

or get off the ship,

whether the crew
invites them or not.

Oh, come on, sir,

you're not gonna put
Tony's family off in Ensenada.

(sighs heavily)

The line has rules, and
I have to follow them.

Officially, they are stowaways.

Well, then, sir,
I'll pay if I have to,

but I just don't have the
full 1,500 right now, sir.

Figure in crew rate
and kids at half fare?

I did.

I was afraid of that.

Well, then we'll all kick in.

Right.

I'll kick in myself.

Now, wait. Now, wait.

Nobody pays for
Tony Santini's family

except Tony Santini.

Now, this cruise is on me.

I may have to put
in a little overtime,

like 10 or 12 years' worth.

RENATA: Tony...

TONY: Now, don't
worry, don't worry.

Here we are,
compliments of the ca...

MAN (over PA):
Ladies and gentlemen,

Chef Antonelli welcomes you

to the Captain's
Thanksgiving Dinner.

(all clapping)

Everything looks
wonderful, Miss McCoy.

You've done an excellent job.

Thank you, sir. I'm
trying to redeem myself.

Tony, I'm sorry.

Oh, don't be.

It's Thanksgiving.
Let's give thanks.

Reverend Whitney,
would you do the honors?

Certainly, captain.

I can't speak for everybody,

but I know that we
all have something

to give thanks for.

So why don't we
just join hands...

There we are.

And say what makes us grateful?

As for me, I've always
preached about love,

and so I'm especially
thankful on this day

that I've found someone
with whom I can share it.

I'm thankful that I found
such a wonderful man,

and such a courageous one too.

(people laughing quietly)

The nerve of him,
flaunting that woman,

and on a day like this.

I as much as told him

that he wouldn't have a parish

if he kept this up.

You told him what?

You heard me.

And I will see to it too.

I lost my appetite.

Not just for food,
for our marriage.

What I have to say,
I'll say it in Italian

out of respect for my
mother and my uncle,

who speak no English.

(speaking Italian)

(choked up)

Tony says he is thankful to
God to have his whole family,

the people that he
loves, at the same table.

(chuckles)

Angelo, it's your turn.

Tell everybody what
you're thankful for.

I can't.

Why?

I'm a bad boy.

Because of me and that chicken,
my dad owes a lot of money.

Because of that chicken,

you're gonna get
to eat a lot of turkey.

You like turkey, don't you?

Angelo is thankful for turkey.

(laughs)

Audrey?

I have nothing
to be thankful for.

Please excuse us.

( somber theme playing)

Okay, baby.

I'm sorry, Bert, I'm so sorry.

It's all right.

Well, we never should've
come on this ship.

It's okay, baby, it's okay.

Next time I'll know better.

I'll stay home.

What, for the rest of your life?

Well, what else can I do?

I know my way
around the apartment.

And you'll be retired soon,

and you'll be there with me.

Audrey, I may not
be there someday.

What do you mean?

Well, I can't live forever.

Oh, Lord, don't talk like that.

Oh, Bert, Bert,
I'm so frightened.

Oh, sweetheart,

your life is never
gonna be the same,

but it still can be full
and rich and rewarding.

But first you're gonna
have to learn to accept

what's happening to you.

And take your first
step as a blind woman.

Bert?

Now, here's your cane, baby.

I'm going to the lounge.

It's to the right, at the
end of the passageway.

I'll meet you there.

Oh, Bert, please,
please don't leave me.

Bert?

( dramatic theme playing)

(gasps quietly)

(frightened): Bert?

( upbeat theme playing)

(light dinner music playing)

(music stops)

(everyone clapping)

Well, tonight we danced
like real people, huh?

I know, Tony, but
how are we gonna pay?

Don't worry, I... I'll
work something out.

Papa, here.

It's the dollar
that Doc gave me.

You could buy a lot of
candy with that dollar.

I don't need the candy,
you need the dollar.

I don't need anything,

not as long as I
have a son like you.

Here. Go on back over there.

Now, don't worry.

We'll work out our
money problems together.

Now, you spend
that or you save it.

Or maybe you give it to somebody
who needs it more than we do.

Come on.

(all speaking Italian)

Phil.

Were you serious?

I'll get an apartment just
as soon as we get back.

I should be able to move
in inside a week or two.

Meanwhile, I'll
just stay in a hotel.

You are serious.

Uh-huh.

Why?

Somewhere along the line,

we started thinking differently.

I don't understand.

You've become so...

self-righteous and narrow.

Sometimes you do things
in the name of your Church

that I don't understand.

Maybe I'm equally responsible.

Maybe I shouldn't have
spent so much time at the track.

But we're all sinners, Barb.

No one is holier than the next.

(laughs sadly)

I was holier.

I made the Church a substitute,

I... I've let my
marriage go to pot,

and now I... I'm gonna lose you.

Oh, Phil.

What would it take
to make you stay?

No. No, no, d...
Don't answer that.

I'll go and I'll talk to
Reverend Whitney right away.

I'll take back
everything I said.

I'll change, Phil,
I... I mean it.

Oh, dear.

Phil, let me?

Uh...

As long as we're
making a clean start,

I might as well

get rid of this
last silver dollar.

(machine chugging)

(claps)

That's it, the last buck.

I'm busted, tapped
out. Let's go.

(both laughing)

Don't you have any more money?

No.

Then here.

You need this more than I do.

Hey, hey, wait a
minute. I don't need this.

I didn't mean that
I don't have any...

Phil, is that sweet?

He thought you were broke.

That's incredible.

Well, I better find him
and give this back to him.

Uh... Unless maybe he'd...

accept payment with a
bill instead of a silver dollar.

(coins clinking)

(alarms sounding)

(laughing)

I don't believe it. I
don't believe it. Here.

I won, I won.

Let it go.

Look.

Whee!

It's the jackpot, kid.

That machine finally paid off.

ANGELO: That's good. Then
you're not broke anymore.

Broke? I was never broke.

Kid, it was your
dollar that won.

This is all yours.

(all cheering)

How did that happen?

How did this happen?

Pop, the cruise is on me.

Oh.

Mr. Wyler,

I'm sorry if I upset
you this afternoon.

Doctor, you're the first
one with nerve enough

to tell me the truth.

Is Mrs. Wyler okay?

I hope so, Isaac.

I just left her in
the cabin alone.

I told her I'd meet her here.

BERT: It's the hardest
thing I've ever done.

Maybe I should go to her.

I don't think you
should leave just yet.

Not yet.

Good evening, Mrs. Wyler.

You're looking
lovely this evening.

Who's that?

It's Gopher.

You know, if I
were your husband,

I'd start getting jealous.

You're much too
beautiful to be left alone.

Good evening, Gopher.

Good evening, captain.

Lovely lady.

Rumor has it that you're
a pretty fair dancer.

You see? There you go.

Wolves everywhere.

Would you do me the honor?

I may not be John Travolta,

but I think I can
bumble through.

I don't know.

I'm blind, you know.

Well, I'm tone-deaf, myself,

but I think between
the two of us,

we can do a pretty fair foxtrot.

This way.

(dinner music playing softly)

She's a wonderful dancer.

Yeah.

But I can't say
much for the captain.

I think she deserves
a better partner.

Excuse me, may I cut in?

Well, I think a man
should be allowed

to dance with his wife.

I love you.

Well, I was so wrong,
and I'm so ashamed.

I do have something
to be grateful for.

You.

( dramatic theme playing)

(horn blaring)

Well, all I can say is,

if that Women's
Auxiliary or the board

even dare to open
up their mouth,

they'll have me to answer to.

Thanks for everything.

Oh, and, Reverend,

thank you for understanding.

You know, I think the Book
of Solomon says it best:

"They that put their trust in
Him shall understand the truth."

And the truth is that you're
a very fine woman, Barbara.

Oh.

All I can say is,

I have learned
more on this cruise

than I have in a
month of Sundays.

(laughs)

(chuckles)

You know, you can knock
his sermons now and then,

but I think it's time I
tried a few of them.

At worst, I'll break even.

Well!

JULIE: Goodbye. Thank
you for sailing with us.

Bye-bye. Thank you. Bye.

Hey, goodbye. Good
luck to both of you.

Thank you.

Mr. and Mrs. Wyler,

it's been a pleasure
sailing with you.

It was our pleasure.

Well, what's next for you two?

Well, Audrey's gonna
teach youngsters dancing

at the Braille Institute.

Yes, just as soon as I
learn a few things myself.

Poor Bert, he's gonna
have to get along

for a few hours
a day without me.

We're gonna make
it just fine, doctor.

Mrs. Wyler, good luck to you.

Goodbye. Thanks for sailing.

Bye-bye. God bless.

Here you go, Angelo.

"Paid in full for
six passengers."

Tony, I wanna thank you
for sharing your family with us.

It was a wonderful Thanksgiving.

Thank me? Captain, thank you.

Thank you, captain.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you.

(speaking Italian)

(clucking)

(all laughing)

I think he's happy
he's not a turkey.

(all laughing)

( majestic theme playing)