The Love Boat (1977–1987): Season 1, Episode 9 - The Captain's Captain/Romance Roulette/Hounded - full transcript

( Jack Jones' "The
Love Boat" playing )

♪ Love ♪

♪ Exciting and new ♪

♪ Come aboard ♪

♪ We're expecting you ♪

♪ And love ♪

♪ Life's sweetest reward ♪

♪ Let it flow ♪

♪ It floats back to you ♪

♪ The Love Boat ♪

♪ Soon will be
making Another run ♪



♪ The Love Boat ♪

♪ Promises something
For everyone ♪

♪ Set a course for adventure ♪

♪ Your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ And love ♪

♪ Won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ It's an open smile ♪

♪ On a friendly shore ♪

♪ It's love ♪

♪ Welcome aboard It's love ♪

( upbeat theme playing )

Hello, welcome aboard.

So long, rat race!

And hello, fun.



Welcome aboard, Mister...?

Flanders, Donald M.

What time do the
festivities start?

Well, as soon as we
assign you your cabin.

Okay. Let's see.

F-131. Oh, it's a lovely one.

Who cares? I'm never
gonna be in there anyway.

I'm here for sun and fun.

Can I swim now? Absolutely.

That's funny, 'cause
I didn't know how

when I left home this morning.

( both laughing )

I'll bet he has a good time
once he comes out of his shell.

Yeah.

Did you guys see a dog
come on board? A dog?

Yeah. Security called.

One of their guard
dogs is missing.

I heard some barking,

but it was only
Captain Stubing. Ooh.

Well, they say his bark
is worse than his bite,

but I don't know.

He never actually bit me.

Well, he may.

He's extra testy because
his father's coming on board.

And I heard that he
makes our sea dog

seem like a pussycat.

Then maybe his Dad'll bite me.

( both chuckling )

Uh-oh, battle stations.

Cap.

( sighs )

Captain Merrill
Stubing, Sr., reporting.

Welcome aboard, sir.
How do you do, sir?

Father!

Oh, I'm sorry I
didn't get a chance

to pipe you aboard, sir.

Glad to have you aboard, sir.

Anything you want, sir.

Yeoman-Purser
Smith, sir. Gopher, sir.

Merrill, are you going
to keep your crew

at this fever pitch
for the entire cruise?

Well, they're only
doing their jobs, sir.

Will you all relax?

I'm not a captain anymore.

I'm just a passenger
here for a little vacation.

( shouting ): Now stow
my gear, ready my cabin,

and I'll meet you in your
quarters at 1300 hours!

( shouts incoherently )

Hey-yahhh!

Yes, sir.

( playful theme playing )

( sighs )

Now you know why
my first two words

were Mommy and:

( shouts incoherently )

( grunts )

( horn blowing )

Toby!

Beth! Oh,

it's so good to see
you! ( laughing )

You look incredible!
Oh, thank you.

And I love your hair.

Ms. Chapman and Ms. Luffner...

Oh, I can't believe...
Promenade Deck, 204.

We used to call you
Tubby Toby in college.

You must have lost 30
pounds since graduation!

No, 35.

But I can't relax for a second.

There are thousands
of hot-fudge sundaes

out there with my name on them.

I'm a banana split man myself.

But as I was saying...

Oh, how did you lose it?
- -that's 204.

Stillman, Atkins,
or liquid protein?

No, it's my own
diet: The Triple D.

Desperation, disgust,
divorce. ( gasps )

You mean, you and Fred?

The marriage is phfftt?

Yeah, not only are
Fred and I phfftt,

but Neal and I are:

Neal? Two marriages
in five years?

Toby!

Good old 204 and 205.

Beth! Toby!

Regina! Regina!

( screams )

( cheers )

( squealing )

Tubby Toby, what
happened to you?

Two divorces and 35
pounds went just like that.

Oh, this is just like
the good old days.

Whoever thought of this reunion

was a genius.

Oh, yes. Oh, it was your idea.

How 'bout that?

Ever tell you about the time

I bit a bowling ball in half?

Oh, we're gonna
have such a great time.

Well, what are we waiting for?

Well, we're waiting
for this clown

to give us our rooms.

Now, let's see...

( upbeat theme playing )

( all cheering )

Wait a minute, picture.

Wait a minute.

Look over here.

( shutter clicks ) Thank you.

( horn blowing )

STUBING: Uh, keep it
at 12 knots, Mr. Walters.

And call me when
we're 25 miles out.

Right.

Well, Dad, uh,

what do you think about
the Pacific Princess?

Amazing.

Why, thank you.

Amazing that we've
been at sea 45 minutes,

and you've been on
the bridge exactly four.

Now, look, Dad,

I, uh, happen to
know what I'm doing,

and so does my deputy captain.

As senior officer,

I never trusted
my ship to anyone.

We didn't win the big
war sittin' in our cabins.

We were right there
in the thick of battle.

Well, uh, it just happens
that it's been a long time

since a cruise ship
has been attacked

off the California coast.

( knocking )

Come in.

Uh, pardon me, sir.

Could I speak to you a moment?

Alone?

Oh, that's all right.

You can talk to me
in front of my son.

What is it, Mr. Smith?

Well, sir, we're
having a little problem

with the number two E-N-G-I-N-E.

Well, then, let's F-I-X it.

Dad, please.

You don't have to
say "please" to me.

It's a pleasure to help.

What kind of an
engine do you have?

( playful theme playing )

Um, a broken one.

( huffs )

( scatting )

( playful theme playing )

( growling )

Well, aren't you
a nice big doggie.

What are you doing on this ship?

( barking )

Uh, look, now,

I'm just gonna take
a little swim here.

( barks )

Hey!

( barking )

FLANDERS: Hello out there! Help!

( upbeat theme playing )

( knocking )

Aren't you changed yet?

I was just reading.

Well, don't you professors
get enough of that stuff

in the classroom?

Let's go get some sunshine.

Tennyson is very
good for the soul.

Well, I don't need
something to help my soul,

I need something
to help my love life.

Right.

Hey, let's play
Romance Roulette.

Oh, no. No.

Oh, that's a great idea!

Ah-ha, we've got a
whole boatload of guys

to play it with. Mm-hm.

Oh, no Romance
Roulette. Come on.

I thought we gave up
that nonsense in college.

Hey, what is wrong
with picking up a guy,

having a little fun and
then dumping him?

Men do it all the time. Mm-hm.

Look, I am not
about to make a play

for some total stranger

just because he
happens to blurt out

some silly word we pick.

We're playing the game,

and that's all there is to it.

And, Regina, you're
wearing one of my suits.

The only guy you
can attract in this thing

is Jacques Cousteau.

See you in the deep end.

( upbeat theme playing )

Then it's settled.

The code word is "screwdriver."

Now, the first three guys
that come up to the bar

and ask for a screwdriver

are the ones we
try to pick up, right?

Right. Okay, who leads off?

You two start.

No, no, let's be
democratic about this.

We'll go by age.
You first, Beth.

( grunts )

Oh, youngest first.

Ms. Wilson wants a refill.

Orange juice and vodka.

Oh, orange juice and
vodka. That's my man.

No cheating. He has
to say screwdriver.

Okay.

Ooh, that looks delicious.

What is that?

It's, uh... Uh, orange
juice and vodka.

Oh. Well, isn't there
a name for that drink?

Yes, it's, uh...

Can I have a
screwdriver, please?

Of course.

That's what you call it.

A screwdriver.

Now you tell me. Um...

Haven't we met someplace before?

I don't know.

You ever been to Hackensack?

Hackensack?

Well, why don't we sit down,

and we'll talk about it. Heh.

Sir, your drink.

( mutters )

I don't mean to be forward,
but can I pick you up?

Can blue serge pick up lint?

Excuse my friend.

He's not as subtle as I.

Wanna see my cabin? ( giggles )

I'd like a Tom Collins.

Scotch and soda.

And I'll have that drink
with, uh, orange juice.

Uh, you know, a...
An orange blossom.

Hey, Frank, you finally
showed up to fix my sink.

I've been busy in
the engine room.

Captain's father was helping me.

Mmm. All right,
let me have a look.

FRANK: Big deal. You
could have fixed this yourself.

Let me have a screwdriver.

( chuckles )

Allow me. I'm Regina Parker.

( chuckles )

Thanks.

( growling )

( light-hearted theme playing )

( growls )

( yelps )

( growling )

Okay, but do me
a favor, will ya?

Dial somebody and tell
'em there's a dog in my room.

( barking )

( upbeat theme playing )

Wow, Julie.

What a super gown.

Thank you.

You're at the, um,

captain's table
tonight, aren't you?

That's right.

Where is Captain Stubing?

Oh, he's probably
hiding from his father.

Unless maybe he's in disguise.

Gopher. I'll see you later.

Have a good time.

Captain Stubing. Aah.

Captain Stubing. Gopher.

If you'd have
stayed at the wheel,

we wouldn't be a half
a degree off course.

Dad, that is being
controlled by the computer.

Computer, computer.

There's not a computer
made that can match

the human mind.

Do you suppose Columbus
used the computer?

Now, look, I'm not trying
to find the new world.

I just wanna get to Mexico.

Lay you 8-to-5
you don't make it.

( laughs flatly )

Ah, well, good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.

I'd like to have
you meet my father,

Captain Stubing, Sr.

How do you do? Good evening.

Nice to see you all. Excuse me.

That's the captain's chair.

Oh?

Dad, I'm the
captain of this ship.

I'm your father everywhere.

( laughs )

( laughing )

You should have
seen him as a little boy.

He had curls down to here.

So, what made you decide

to become a ship's doctor?

I always had a mission in life:

to heal the sick
and tend to the cute.

And two steaks medium rare.

And sour cream and chives
with our baked potatoes.

And your best bottle
of cabernet sauvignon.

And an extra breadstick, please.

Here's to you, darling.

Your other hand, Morton.

They're never gonna
believe this at the office.

Mm.

Well, yes, part of my job is
organizing social activities,

but I clear everything
with the captain.

( chuckles )

Seems you run a
tight ship, Stubing.

Oh, yes. It's a
demanding job, but, uh...

Well, as president of a bank,

you know that, uh,
there always has to be

just one man who
is the final authority.

Elbows, Merrill.

Ah, here's your Irish coffee.

Oh, thanks, Isaac.

Say, uh, how come
you're not up there

dancing with your friends?

Oh, I... I thought I'd stay
here with Lord Byron.

Ohhh.

I guess I should have
brought two Irish coffees.

( laughs ): Yeah.

( laughs )

Uh, Isaac, you know that plumber

that fixed your sink today?

Uh, Frank, uh... Frank Vallone?

That's him.

How would I, uh,
get in touch with him?

Oh, you're having a
plumbing problem?

Yeah.

Listen, just dial one,
double oh, seven.

He's on duty tonight.

Thanks, Isaac.

No problem.

Thank you.

( door closes )

( hopeful theme playing )

( upbeat theme playing )

GOPHER: Good morning, everyone.

This is the start of
another fun-filled day

aboard the Pacific Princess.

We hope you had a restful night.

Breakfast is now being served
in the Coral Dining Room,

and we have a full
schedule of events

planned to make this
an unforgettable cruise.

( sighs )

I'd need a lobotomy
to forget this one.

( light-hearted theme playing )

( growls )

( barking )

Just taking a
breath of fresh air.

See you later.

( barking )

( barking )

Get your own phone.

Room service.

( laughing )

Hey, Doc,

that lady Toby sure came
on to you strong yesterday.

Yeah, and I went to sea
to get away from all that.

( groans ) ( chuckles )

Good morning, Captain Stubing.

There won't be any good mornings

until my father
gets off this ship.

The man is driving me crazy.

Now, look, I'm
depending on all of you

to keep him busy
with activities today.

Just get him out of my hair.

Don't say it.

Merrill, now what
are you doing here?

You can't run a ship
from the Lido Deck.

Uh, yes, well, I was, uh, just

on my way to the bridge, sir.

Oh, okay, I'll...

Just my luck to find a young,
handsome Ping-Pong partner.

Oh, wait, I'm afraid
you don't understand.

I don't... It's all right.

I'll serve. Okay, you ready?

Oh!

Oh, I'm sorry, sir.

I need to learn to
keep my eye on the ball.

Are you all right? I'm fine.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm headed for the bridge.

Oh, wait.

How would you like a
free blood-pressure test?

There's nothing wrong
with my blood pressure.

Well, how 'bout some juice?

I don't want any juice.

Orange or tomato?

I don't...

I'm awfully sorry.
Let me get that.

Please, please, please. Please.

Does all this attention
have anything to do

with keeping me
away from my son?

Not too subtle, huh?

Well, sometimes to get
an old man's attention,

you gotta hit him
with a two-by-four.

( laughing ): Or a
glass of tomato juice.

Carry on, kids.

I got a date with some
sea salt and soap.

Oh, I... I'll get that for you.

It's all right, it's all right.

You have your duties.

I'll find my way around.

Anywhere but the
bridge, correct?

That's okay.

I'm sure that my son Merrill

is capable of running us aground

without my help.

Zap!

Well, mission accomplished, huh?

Yeah. Yeah.

Hey, you guys!

You guys, I need some help.

A passenger just called and said

he's been trapped
in his cabin all night.

Well, get a locksmith.

It won't work. We
need a dogcatcher.

What?

It's that security guard dog.

He must've sneaked on board.

Well, what are we
gonna do about it?

Dogs aren't allowed on board.

( barking )

( screams )

Would you like to tell him
he's not allowed on board?

Mm-mm.

TOBY: Okay, let's hear it.

You weren't at
dinner last night.

We haven't seen you all day.

Now, this plumber of yours
must be pretty hot stuff.

Yeah.

Come on, tell us about
the Prince of Pipes.

There is very
little to tell you.

His name is Frank Vallone,

an ex-Marine from Baltimore.

Oh, he's just my
type: tall, dark, brutal.

Actually, he's not allowed to
mingle with the passengers,

and anyway, he's
been on duty, so I...

Oh, you mean,
nothing's happened?

Well, I told you.

I can't see him
because he's on call.

Oh, he's on call.
Well, I'll call, then.

Oh, no. What are you doing?

If he's a plumber,
let him plumb.

Look, don't worry about me.

I've got Lord Byron.

Byron, oh!

Does Tennyson know
you're cheating on him?

We're playing the game, Regina.

And so are you, remember?

Uh, operator?

W-what's the number
for Maintenance?

One, double-oh, seven.

Mm-hm. ( dialing )

Look, you really don't
have to do this, you know.

We know. We know.

Maintenance?

Yes, this is Cabin
206, Promenade Deck.

Yeah, I dropped my
ring down the sink.

Thanks.

Oh, it's just like
a romantic novel.

The Wench and the Wrench.

( giggling )

Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

( slow upbeat theme playing )

( light-hearted theme playing )

Stop right there, buster.

Galley's off-limits
to passengers.

I beg your pardon?

You heard what I said.

Now get the
barnacles off your hull

and make waves.

Trim your pipes.

You sound like a
beached tugboat.

I have a small mishap,

and I'm looking
for some sea salt

for this stain.

What do you know about sea salt?

My good woman,
there isn't a sailor alive

who don't know that sea
salt is nature's stain remover.

Don't tell me what sailors know.

I've been at sea for 40 years.

Well, in that case,
you should know

how to address a
captain when you see one.

My Captain is
Merrill Stubing, Jr.

And when I see
him, I call him "sir."

Here's your sea salt, buster.

Well, I've never heard
of such insubordination.

Do not be surprised

if this isn't your last voyage.

Ah, blow it out your ear.

They're casting me adrift
after this trip, anyway.

Mandatory retirement.

I know what you mean.

I was recently
piped ashore myself.

How are you handling it?

Miss the sea? Hm.

That's a silly question.

Isn't it something?

They throw us out for fish bait

just when we're in our prime.

Yeah.

I don't know what's left for me,

( sniffling ): except to go
and be a burden to my kids.

I know what you mean.

( sobbing )

Powerful onions.

Got to me.

Yeah, I understand.

By the way, I'm P.J. Muldoon.

But don't get any fancy ideas

about my p.j.'s.

( laughs )

I'm Merrill Stubing, Sr.

But you can call me Stubby.

Funny, that's just what
I was gonna call you.

( laughs )

P.J.

Stubby.

I'll be darned, he
does have a father.

( laughs )

Uh, are you sure you dropped
your ring down the drain?

Uh, I had the trap off.

I thought I was sure.

I-I mean, this hand was...

Was just as bare
as this... hand.

Oh, well, here's your problem.

You're wearing one of those, uh,

famous Mexican jumping rings.

( laughs )

I-I'm sorry about
the false alarm.

Oh, hey, forget it.

Well, I better shove off.

( tender theme playing )

Hey, Byron. That's good stuff.

You've studied Byron?

Well, a little.

I used to write some stuff too.

But, uh, when you're
scrounging for your daily pasta,

poetry isn't exactly your
main order of business.

I'd love to read
it. Your poetry.

Oh, come on.

No, Frank. I-I'm a...

I'm a college professor.

English literature
is my specialty.

I... I would love to
read your poetry.

Please?

Well, I knock off about 10:00,

and, uh, once in a
while I go up on deck

to get some fresh air.

Well, maybe I'll meet
you up there sometime.

Yeah, sometime.

Who knows? It's a big ship.

But it's a small world.

Bye.

Don't worry, Mr. Flanders.

We'll have you out
of there in no time.

FLANDERS: Yeah, well, hurry up!

I'm starving to death here!

Listen, while the dog's
busy eating the meat,

you make a dash for the door.

FLANDERS: Okay, okay.

( clears throat )

( growling )

( frenzied theme playing )

( shouts )

( groans )

Ohhhh!

Mr. Flanders,
we'll be right back!

We're just gonna
get him some dessert!

( upbeat theme playing )

Gin.

Got you on a double schneid.

That's $25,000 I owe you.

I love gin.

Me too. Ha.

Would you like another?

One's enough.

It's time for you to
haul it out of my galley.

I got spuds to peel.

Don't you have two peelers? Huh?

Look, I should know
how to peel potatoes.

I've commanded entire ships.

Thank you, madam.

( upbeat theme playing )

( band playing romantic
music inside ship )

Frank.

Hi.

I was hoping you'd
be here tonight.

I was hoping you'd be hoping.

Did you bring one of your poems?

I might have one here somewhere.

Cough it up or I'll
have to frisk you.

I found it.

Uh...

You don't wanna hear this.

Oh, I do. I do, really.

Uh-huh?

By day I wrestle steel

And engines purr
Beneath my deft wrenches

But men are fools At
night I wrestle words

Trying to say "I love you"

With unfamiliar
tools That's it. It's...

It's rotten, right?

It's beautiful.

May I keep it?

Yeah, sure.

Uh, but not for free.

A poet has to get paid,
or he isn't a legit poet.

( band finishes playing
song, crowd applauds )

Name your price.
It's yours for, uh...

For a dance.

What'll we do for music?

Make our own music.

( romantic jazz theme playing )

One, two, three.
Turn, two, three.

One, two, three.
Turn, two, three.

Oh, Morton, I love
the way you dance.

Where did you learn
to move that way?

At the Y.

Oh, kiss me. Kiss me.

I can't wait another minute.

I can't believe this
is happening to me.

Kiss me, Morton.

I'll be right with you.

Uh...

What...?

Oh.

( both sigh )

Wasn't that a wonderful movie?

I don't know.

It was a little too
mushy for my taste.

People don't just
fall in love like that

in one day.

Yeah, you're right.

( upbeat theme playing )

Penny for your thoughts.

A dollar.

I was just thinking...

It's amazing how things happen.

If... If I hadn't been
fixing Isaac's sink,

and you hadn't handed
me a screwdriver,

we would never have met.

( chuckles )

Fate.

I haven't had a crush
on a teacher in years.

Oh, I bet you say that
to all the passengers.

I have been on this
ship for seven years,

and this is the
first time I've ever...

met a passenger.

( romantic theme playing )

I, uh, should be getting
back to my cabin.

Yeah, and I should get to work.

Oh, the hell with my work.

Oh, the hell with my cabin.

Okay, believe me,
this is gonna work.

There's enough
tranquilizer in here

to put an elephant to sleep.

Now, it's not gonna hurt him,

but it'll put him out like:

( snaps )

Well, if it works, I'll
try it on my father.

GOPHER: This should
do it, Mr. Flanders.

( light-hearted theme playing )

Room service.

( dog growls )

Did he eat it yet?

I can't tell.

It's the best chopped
sirloin on board.

He'll eat it.

Thanks a lot, guys!
That was delicious.

( whispers ):
Flanders is eating it.

( sighs )

( moans )

Well, you look shipshape today.

I know, I'm shaped like a ship.

Oh, come on.

You're a very
attractive woman, P.J.

You better see Doc and
get your eyes checked.

( laughs )

You just don't know how to take

a compliment, do you?

Yes, I do. Try me.

Well, I like your,
uh... My what?

You didn't let me finish.

Was it that hard for
you to think of something

nice to say?

I like your hairdo.

That shows how little you know.

The sea air makes
my hair frizzy.

You're impossible.

So are you.

Hi, sir. Hi.

Hi, P.J.

Hi, Gopher.

You sure look nice today.

Thank you.

Mmm, my favorite.

Oh, yeah?

Carry on.

Hm-hm.

Now, you see how easy it was

to take a compliment?

It's different coming from him.

Why?

'Cause it doesn't
matter as much.

I didn't hear you.

You going deaf, you old buzzard?

I said, it doesn't
matter as much

coming from him!

You mean it matters
more from me?

Mm, I didn't say that.

That's the nicest thing
you ever didn't say.

( laughs )

( chuckles )

Well...

( knocking )

STUBING: Eh... Uh, enter.

Mm-hm.

Sí.

Sí.

Uh, muchas gracias. Adios.

Yes?

Sir, Mr. Flanders isn't
answering his phone.

I think he's still sleeping.

He's gonna be hopping
mad when he wakes up

and we've run out of ideas

about how to get that
dog out of his cabin.

Well, I just spoke to
the SPCA in Mazatlán.

They're coming aboard
tomorrow morning

with a tranquilizer gun.

Well, they better
have two shots.

One for the dog and
one for Mr. Flanders.

Sir, I'm really sorry.

It's not your fault.

Besides, you're
doing a great job

of keeping my father busy.

Oh, that wasn't
difficult. See, he's, uh...

I don't need to
know the details.

I'm just very pleased

that you've got him
doing something that, well,

gives me some peace and quiet.

Well, it's not
exactly something.

It's more like someone.

Oh. You mean, he's, uh,

found some nice elderly cronies?

Well, it's only one crony,

and actually, sir, it's a lady.

Miss McCoy!

It's a stroke of genius!

Well, it wasn't
anything I arranged.

They, uh, found each other.

They did? Mm-hm.

And I understand he's
inviting her to dinner

at your table
tonight. ( laughs )

Wouldn't it be wonderful
if something permanent

came out of all this?

Dismissed.

Yes, sir.

( upbeat theme playing )

( upbeat theme playing )

( crowd chattering
indistinctly )

Do you realize,
between the two of us,

we've been married six times?

We'll just have to keep doing it

till we get it right.

Mmm.

Well, how do I look?

Fine, sir.

Your usual captainy self.

Heh, heh. Why?

Why?

( sighing ): Well, I
just wanna make sure

that everything is right

for my father and his lady.

Well, from what I hear,

they only have
eyes for each other.

Don't worry, they'll
never even notice us.

Well, just in
case they do, uh...

elbows, Miss McCoy.

Yes, sir.

I've never eaten in
the dining room before.

Is it squared with
Captain Stubing?

P.J., my girl,

I'm proud to have
you sailing in my fleet.

If that son of mine
opens his yap,

I'll set him adrift
in a lifeboat.

Ladies and gentlemen.

Good evening, one and all.

I have the honor of
presenting Mrs. P.J. Muldoon.

P.J. Muldoon?

Get out the lifeboat.

Howdy, all.

How you doing, captain?

Oh, just, uh... Just swell.

Come, dear.

Sit on the captain's right

where you belong.

That's nice.

She's a lot of fun.

Just listen to
everything she says.

Hi, y'all.

Forgive my surprise, Dad,

but I'm used to seeing
Mrs. Muldoon below deck.

Are you, indeed?

The kitchen help do not
eat in the dining room.

Very well, captain.

Come, my dear, we
can dine in my cabin.

It's small, but
it's not as stuffy

as it is in here.

Come, dear.

Dad...

( sighs )

Captain, are you all right?

Hm? Oh.

Yes, I'm just,
uh... I'm just fine.

Well, tomorrow
Mazatlán, and then home.

Pretty soon it'll be
time to give the old

"it was great fun,

but it was just one of
those things" speech.

Goodbye, Doc.

So long, Morton. Mmm.

You know, for someone who
did not wanna get involved

in our little game of
Romance Roulette,

Regina certainly did get
into the swing of things.

Yeah, I hope she finds a
way to dump the plumber

without breaking his
heart, or his wrench,

or whatever you
break on a plumber.

No, Regina's got class.

She'll find a nice, literate
way to say goodbye.

Like, "Beat it, buster."

Let's go.

( melancholy theme playing )

I'm sorry I'm late.

That's okay.

I just wanted to
say see you around.

What's wrong? Nothing.

We both had the perfect cruise.

Fun-filled nights,
et cetera, et cetera.

But enough's enough.

Frank, what's the matter?

Let me put it in a poem:

Fun is fun But now it's done

Stick that in your scrapbook.

( knocking on door )

( gentle theme playing )

Hello, Father.

Well, Merrill, what an
unexpected bummer.

Come in.

I came to apologize.

I'm afraid I, uh, overreacted

when you brought
your friend to my table.

I'm sorry.

Accepted.

But Dad, with a whole
shipload of passengers,

couldn't you have
picked somebody...

More suitable?

Well... Suitable for whom?

I didn't go looking

for someone to
fit into your life.

I was looking for
someone to fit into mine.

Now, look, I know you're lonely,

but a cruise ship
is a funny place.

People fall in love every night,

and then when
they get off the ship:

( snaps )

Fine.

But that's not the case
between me and P.J.

I've asked her to be my wife.

I see.

Well, aren't you happy for me?

I'm happy for me.

Well, sure, I'm happy for you.

I'm happy that you've
finally found someone

whose company you enjoy.

But marriage?

Okay, Merrill. I see
where you stand.

But I'm gonna marry P.J.
with or without your blessing.

( melancholy theme playing )

From now on, you
stay out of my life,

and I'll stay out of yours.

Go on.

Get up on the bridge
where you belong.

Dad... ( grunts )

Dad? Dismissed!

( sighs )

He's right, you know, Stubby.

Right about what?

About us.

I don't fit in with your family.

I never could.

Who cares about my family?

What about me?

You're a swell guy, Stubby.

( crying ): You'll
find somebody else.

Wait.

P.J., listen.

P.J.!

( upbeat theme playing )

You're sure that that
won't hurt the dog?

No. He'll just
have a good siesta.

Okay.

Okay, you ready?

Ready. All right.

I'll open the door,
and you shoot.

FLANDERS: Hey, don't shoot!

Why not?

It's only a tranquilizer.

FLANDERS: Hey, come on in here.

( upbeat theme playing )

( squealing )

FLANDERS: Hi, guys. Oh, look!

Nice to finally see
you face to face.

I'd like to introduce
you to my friends here.

JULIE: Oh, look.

This is Gopher, Doc, and Jul...

No, wait a minute. No, stay.

This is Doc, Julie,
Gopher and Isaac.

( pups squealing )

( laughs ) Then I guess

the little bald one
at the end is, uh...

Don't say it.

( laughing )

( all cooing over puppies )

( upbeat theme playing )

( insistent knocking on door )

All right, all right.
Take it easy.

What's the...?

You are a bum and a rat!

You're a plummy crummer!

A crummy plumber.

He knows what I mean.

What's bugging you two?

You are an animal, Frank!

The way you treated Regina.

I mean, you broke her heart

for no good reason!

Big deal, I dumped her.

I only beat her to the punch.

Isn't that how you play
your, uh, Romance Roulette?

Oh. Yeah.

Yeah, I heard the two
of you up on the deck.

Just because I'm a working stiff

doesn't mean I can be exploited

by some chick playing
a schoolgirl game.

All right, all right.

Maybe we were playing around,

but the poor kid was
dead serious, Frank.

Right.

Like hell she was.

Now, will you please
leave? Will you...?

What are you two doing here?

We were just trying

to straighten out
your idiot plumber.

Well, if there's any
straightening out to be done,

I'll do it myself.

Now everybody out! But,
Regina, we were just...

You heard me. Out! Beat it!

Scram!

Sorry about my friends.

And I just came to say goodbye.

So say it.

Before I do, I-I...

I just wanna tell you
that the past three days

have been the best... Good.

Your Romance Roulette paid off.

That's what games
are for, to have fun.

( quiet theme playing )

You know about that?

Yeah.

Well, Frank, what
we had wasn't a game.

Yeah, sure.

Oh, I-I know it started
out as a game, and I'm...

I'm sorry it did,
and I'm ashamed.

Because somewhere
along the line, it...

It stopped being a game.

I meant every
word I said to you.

Thought you came to say goodbye.

I didn't hear you say it.

I can't.

I don't want to.

I don't wanna lose you.

I don't... You what?

I can't put it into words.

You're an English professor.

Even a slob like me knows
how to say "I love you."

I do, you know.

Oh, Frank, I love you too!

Oh, you see?

Isn't the truth better
than playing games?

Works every time.

Even if it hadn't,

I always could have used plan B.

What was that?

I was gonna hit
you over the head

with one of your
wrenches and carry you off.

( lively theme playing )

Uh, Miss McCoy, have
you seen my father?

He's really been
making himself scarce.

I thought that
would suit you, sir.

( sighs )

I've made a mess
of this, haven't I?

Well, Captain, because of you,

P.J. won't see your dad.

And the two of them
are running around

looking like they don't
care whether they live or die.

It's a darn shame.

They love each other.

They could have had a
wonderful life together, but...

( pensive theme playing )

Miss McCoy, please
see that my father's

at my table tonight for dinner.

Sir, that may not be easy.

I don't care if it
takes wild horses,

please make sure he's there.

( upbeat theme playing )

( crowd chattering
indistinctly )

( pianist playing soft music )

( slurping )

I'm sorry.

No, that's all
right. You have it.

Uh, you're making
up for lost time.

Actually, uh,
captain, it's not for me.

I'm filling a doggie bag.

STUBING: Dad, is
everything all right?

Ladies and gentlemen,

tonight is a very
special night... P.J.!

We're here to celebrate

the retirement after 40 years

of a lady who has
served this ship well.

Mrs. P.J. Muldoon.

Thank you, captain.

What's all this "lady" stuff?

I said lady.

A lady who has devoted
her life to the sea.

A lady who, in her
own selfless way,

on the day of her retirement,

has consented to take
on an even bigger burden,

by agreeing to
become my stepmother.

Okay with you?

You know it, baby. Ha!

A toast to Captain
Merrill Stubing, Sr.,

and his P.J.

Many happy years.

This doesn't mean you're
gonna call me Mom, does it?

Mm. I wouldn't do that, Ma.

Here, here, here,
here. ( laughing )

Steady, steady.

He always was very
affectionate. Oh, I like the family.

Oh, I wish you all the best.

Charming boy when
you get to know him.

He's a lot of fun.

( upbeat theme playing )

( horn blowing )

I guess this is goodbye.

So the secret word
was screwdriver?

I wonder what
would have happened

if I'd asked for a
Harvey Wallbanger.

Beth, Beth, Beth.

Oh, Morton, I just
love you so much.

I just can't take
my hands off you.

I don't believe this
is happening to me.

Just take the bags, huh?

And move it.

( sighs )

You'll write?

I'll write you every other day.

No, no, no, no, no.

You write a poem
every other day,

you write me every day.

Okay.

( romantic theme playing )

Oh, uh, by the way, I,
uh, took another look

at your drain this morning
while you were at breakfast,

and I found your ring.

Oh, no, no. No, no.
That's an engagement ring.

( laughing ): That's not mine.

Well, it is now.

If you'll accept it.

Oh, Frank.

( laughs )

Oh.

( romantic theme swells )

( playful theme playing )

Here we go.

Hey-hey.

Goodbye, Captain Stubing, sir.

You've certainly
been the hit of this trip.

Well, thank you, my dear.

That's sweet of you to say so.

And Isaac, you mix
a mean tomato juice.

Maybe next trip I can drink it,

not wear it.

( laughs )

All the best to you, sir.
Thank you, thank you.

The ship won't be the
same without you, P.J.

Oh, stow it, Gopher.

You wanna make
me blubber like a kid?

She's something.
Is she something?

Well, goodbye all, and thanks!

Goodbye, everybody.
JULIE: Bye, P.J.

Now, listen, you two.

Listen, don't... You
keep in touch, now.

Don't be strangers.

Oh, didn't P.J. tell you?

We're planning to get
ourselves a little tug together,

drop anchor right
here in San Pedro.

And you know, if
you run into trouble

trying to dock the
ship or whatnot,

I'll be there to help.

Just get on the radio.

Oh, uh...

Well, uh, do you know
what frequency we work on?

Uh... no.

Fine. Let's keep it that way.

( laughing )

Funny! Ha, ha, ha!

JULIE: Oh, Mr. Flanders,

I wanna thank you
for being so nice

and for putting
up with everything.

Well, actually, it
wasn't a bad vacation.

I got a lot of sleep
and I lost 13 pounds.

Well, sir, we're gonna give you

a lot better vacation than that.

That's a free ticket on a cruise

any time you want,
compliments of the line.

Thanks.

But next time,
remember our rule:

no pets.

Right. Come on, Mother.

( puppies squealing )

( laughs )

( both chuckle )

( upbeat theme playing )