The Love Boat (1977–1987): Season 1, Episode 8 - Lost and Found/The Understudy/Married Singles - full transcript

Theo Denison Jr buys a cruise with his own money and doesn't tell his parents. Sharon can't release the pain of her son's death. Julie's protégé Connie is after Julie's job. Maisie and Durwood are a married couple traveling as singles.

( Jack Jones' "The
Love Boat" playing )

♪ Love ♪

♪ Exciting and new ♪

♪ Come aboard ♪

♪ We're expecting you ♪

♪ And love ♪

♪ Life's sweetest reward ♪

♪ Let it flow ♪

♪ It floats back to you ♪

♪ The Love Boat ♪

♪ Soon will be
making Another run ♪



♪ The Love Boat ♪

♪ Promises something
For everyone ♪

♪ Set a course for adventure ♪

♪ Your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ And love ♪

♪ Won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ It's an open smile ♪

♪ On a friendly shore ♪

♪ It's love ♪

♪ Welcome aboard It's love ♪

( majestic theme playing )

Julie, what's the problem?

Oh, well, Captain Stubing
just told me that the company

has assigned a trainee
for me to break in.



And you're worried
about how you look?

For a trainee?

Well, it's up to me to set
a good example for her.

Oh, it's a her?

A her?

Does my shirt look okay?

Hey, what about my tie?

What about my hair?

Okay, you guys, cut it out.

She's here to learn
the business, not get it.

Oh. Now, behave yourselves.

Behave yourselves.

Starting right now.

Uh, Miss McCoy?

Connie Evans?

Yes.

Welcome aboard.

Thank you.

Ah, well, Yeoman-Purser
Smith at your service.

Uh, Isaac Washington,
chief barman.

I'm Dr. Adam Bricker,
the ship's physician.

If you have any questions
about your body...

Doc!

It's really nice
to meet you all.

Connie, don't let
these clowns scare you.

The rest of the crew is normal.

Oh, Connie, believe me,

we're the only
ones worth knowing.

The rest of the crew
is strictly chopped liver.

And, on behalf of all
of us chopped liver,

allow me to introduce myself.

I'm Captain Stubing.

I'm just leaving.

Uh... Uh, nice meeting you.

My offer still holds. Okay.

It's an honor to meet you, sir.

I have heard so much about you.

Why, thank you.

I... I'm delighted
to have you with us.

I'm sure you'll learn a
great deal from Miss McCoy.

Oh! You don't know how
grateful I am for this opportunity.

Julie is supposed to be the
best cruise director afloat.

Well, I don't know
about the best,

but, then, who am
I to judge? Ha, ha.

Think I'd better
start cruise directing.

Yes, uh... Carry on.

Carry on.

Everybody is so nice.

I'd give anything
to have your job...

Oh. On another boat, I mean. Oh.

Well, we start with passengers.

Now, as they come on, just
make sure that they know what their

room number is...
Who's next, please?

Oh, here I am. Durwood Moss.

I-I was next. Madam, please.

I was here first! I...

Maisie Nolan. Miss Maisie Nolan.

Right.

Miss Nolan.

Uh, you're in cabin
F-135, Fiesta Deck.

And Mr. Moss? Yes.

You're... Heh.
- -right next door.

Thank you very much.

Age before beauty, Miss Nolan.

I believe you have that wrong.

It's "pearls before swine."

( chuckles )

Ah, what's so funny.

( upbeat theme playing )

Well, we're
practically neighbors.

I grew up in Forest Grove.

You're kidding.

You hear that, sweetheart?

JULIE: Oh, I really
miss that place.

My parents grew up there,

and their parents before them.

Well, sounds like a
perfect place to raise kids.

Perfect.

Do you have any kids?

Excuse me. Sharon.

D-did I say something wrong?

Uh, our little boy,
he was 8 years old.

Excuse me.

Well, how were you gonna know?

Now, don't worry.
I'll take care of it.

Okay.

Well, you must be a good student

if Julie left you on
your own already.

Well, actually, Julie
had to go apologize

to one of the passengers.

Uh, something she
said upset them.

Oh?

That's not like her.

Well, even the best
make mistakes sometimes.

( chuckles )

Uh, what's Connie
Evans' cabin number?

I-I tell you why I gotta know:
because what if she has some

sort of attack in the
middle of the night?

Doc, the only way she's
going to have an attack

in the middle of the night,
is if I give you her number.

Come on, Gopher.
Doc, please. I'm busy.

I'm short one passenger.

Theodore Dennison, Jr.

BOY: I'm Theodore Dennison, Jr.

Well, Mr. D., welcome aboard.

Listen, you better tell
your folks to hurry up,

or they're not gonna make it.

Nah. Nah, see...

Please.

My folks are not
tryin' to make it.

They're back in
Stockton, but it's okay.

Hey, look. I-I've
got permission.

What does it say?

"Theodore paid for his cruise
out of his newspaper money,

"and he is old
enough to travel alone.

Signed, Mom."

Look, son, I think
we're gonna have to talk

to your parents about this.

What's your phone number?

Uh, I forgot.

Well, what's your
father's first name?

I forgot.

It's obviously Theodore,

since his name is
Theodore Dennison, Jr.

I forgot.

But you can't call Stockton
now, because the phone

won't work till the
ship's out of port.

I forgot.

( ship's horn blowing )

Excuse me. Just a
moment. Be right back.

Take your time, take your time.

Tell him you don't take
passengers under 4'3".

We can't leave a kid his
age stranded in Los Angeles.

You can't leave a kid my
age stranded in Los Angeles.

( horn blowing )

I'd argue more,
but we're sailing.

Well, Mr. D.,

allow me to show
you to your cabin, sir.

All right.

( funky song playing
on tape recorder )

( upbeat theme playing )

Excuse me.

Miss Nolan?

( knocking )

Okay, Maisie, where
did you put my shorts?

( quietly ): Are you crazy?

Yelling about your shorts
in the middle of a hall!

If anybody finds
out we're married,

you're gonna blow
the whole idea.

Well, separate
vacations wasn't my idea.

Oh, some separate vacations.

You took the cabin
right next door.

Believe me, this is not
what the marriage counselor

had in mind.

Ah, that guy was
a waste of money.

Look, Maisie, you
know I love you.

Oh, you sure never
tell me anymore.

I just told you. Remember me?

Tall guy with glasses,
standing right here.

Ha. Very funny, very funny.

Oh, it's just...
It's not the same.

Oh, you used to be so romantic.

Remember, Durwood?

You remember when you
used to call me long distance

in the middle of the night?

Well, the rates were
cheaper after 11.

You really know how to win
a woman's heart, Durwood.

Aw, Maisie, come on,
sweetheart, now, listen...

Now, no, let go. Get
out. Why...? What's...!

You can't come here
hoping to make up now.

( huffs )

I...

Oh, I want someone to
say I'm wonderful and...

And pretty, and...
And desirable, and...

Well, if my own husband
can't make me feel that way,

then I'm just gonna
find somebody who can.

Oh, yeah? Well, lots of luck.

There's only 600
people on this ship.

All... All I need is one.

Okay, Miss Nolan,

if that's the way you
want it, those are the rules,

but remember, two
can play at that game.

( light-hearted theme playing )

And your shorts
are in the side pocket

next to your denture cream.

( tranquil theme playing )

( indistinct chatter )

So, um, what made you
select our particular ship

for your trip, Mr. Dennison?

Ahem. Well, um, I heard
the food was good, you know?

You must have heard right.
That's your fourth hot dog.

Richard, I'm sorry about today.
You know, boarding the ship.

Mm. Forget it.

I just want you to know,

I appreciate your not
mentioning it all day.

( sighing ): Well,
what can I say?

I'm a perfect husband.

( laughing )

And you're a perfect wife.

Let's have a perfect dinner.

And a perfect evening.

Perfect.

( soft piano music playing )

Oh, uh, hi.

Hi, honey.

I'm Maisie Nolan.

Would you happen to
know where table nine is?

Yes, I would. It's
right over here.

Oh, thanks.

Hey, you're in for some
very pleasant company.

I see what you mean.

Evening. Evening.

Oh, now I see it.

Now I don't. Ha.

Hello.

Uh, Miss Maisie Nolan,
may I present Mister...?

Uh, Jack Plymouth.

Hi, how are you?
Nice to see you.

My pleasure. And Mister, uh...?

Durwood Moss. Swell.

Well, how about I just leave
you folks to get acquainted?

Ah, thanks, honey,
bye. Thank you.

Goodbye.

Thank you. Thank you.

Uh, Mister, uh...?

Uh...? Plymouth.

Plymouth! Mr. Plymouth, yes.

Uh, what do you
do, Mr. Plymouth?

I'm in life insurance.

Oh, that's absolutely
fascinating.

DURWOOD: Yes.

Mortality tables really
liven up an evening.

( chuckles )

I don't think Mr. Moss
wants to hear about it.

Oh, well, Mr. Moss
can just, uh...

( laughing )

( chuckles )

Is this table number nine?

Well, y... It can be
any number you want.

Oh, then I'd like it to be nine.

DURWOOD: Good.

Just, uh...

This is my very first
cruise. On the sea.

Hi. Hi.

I'm Barbi. I'm Ken.

I mean, uh, uh, Durwood.

Heh.

Oh, don't mind them,
they're insurance freaks.

Now, why don't you tell
me the story of your life?

Oh! My life?

Mm-hm. Oh!

Or any life you might
wanna tell me about.

Well, i-if you're a doctor,

then how come
you don't work in...

In a hospital?

Well, everyone at the hospital
ate an apple a day... Mm-hm.

And that's what kept me away.

( laughs )

( mysterious theme playing )

( Theodore laughing )

( gasps )

I... I'm sorry.

That migraine's starting again.

Sharon, you gotta stop this.

You can't run every time
you hear a little boy laugh.

Richard, please.

No.

Sharon, we start now.

If we don't, we never will.

( laughing continues )

I can't.

STUBING: Good
evening. Evening, sir.

Any clues on our mystery boy?

No, it's still a mystery.

I can't reach his parents.

The Stockton police
don't know anything.

And he sure ain't talking.

( laughs )

See, that's because, um, I
have good table manners. Yeah.

I never talk with my mouth full.

Maybe we better
try his parents again.

Right.

Ahem. Excuse me.

BRICKER: All
right, Julie, sit here.

( romantic theme playing )

( cries out )

Thank you.

Excuse me, please.

You okay?

Yes, thank you.

( light-hearted theme playing )

Uh, about, ahem, that
dress you're almost wearing...

You don't like it?

Well, I've picked up
survivors at sea with more on.

Just change.

Oh, I didn't wanna wear this,

but Julie thought it would
make a good impression.

Don't tell her I told you.

Listen, I'm sure she meant well.

I'll go change.

( romantic theme swells )

( upbeat theme playing )

Oh, Jack. Jack,
you can't mean that.

Why, we just met.

Believe me, I see you as
the one person in this room

who deserves the
benefits of our convertible

retirement income plan.

Oh, Jack, the things you say.

And then, when I was
three, I ate my first zucchini.

My mother grew it
in our own backyard.

It gave me these terrible
bumps all over my body.

Wonderful.

Here you go: two
tequila sunrises.

Thank you.

I was telling you
all about my body,

and you weren't interested.

Oh, I am interested, believe me.

Yes.

I believe him.

I was just trying to help.

You're very special to me.

I... I-I'm sorry. I didn't
hear what you said. What?

BARBI: I said, you're
very special to me,

but I won't tell you why.

Oh. Why don't you
go ahead and tell me?

( giggling ): All right.

Because you remind
me of my father.

( chuckles )

DURWOOD: You
shouldn't have told me.

Oh, Jack, I'm having the
most wonderful evening.

I could listen to your
sweet talk forever.

( upbeat dance music playing )

Let him go, Sharon.

( sobbing ): I can't. I can't.

I can't.

Sharon, no more.

No more.

Terry is gone.

Don't do this to yourself.

To us.

We knew when he was born.

The doctors told us
two years at the most.

But we were blessed.

We had him for
eight glorious years.

We have to be thankful for that.

( sniffling ): Thankful?

Why him?

Why us?

No one knows those things, baby.

But we can't stop living.

That's a terrible thing
to do to Terry's memory.

We can't destroy the only
thing we have left of him.

Oh, Richard.

How does it make sense?

To get hurt so much
for loving so much?

Oh, Richard.

I don't know, baby.

I don't know.

I guess nobody does.

( melancholy theme playing )

Y-yeah.

( sighs )

Oh. Heh.

I'd better get us unpacked.

Half of the stuff
is still in the bags.

Here, I'll help.

No. I want you to get outta
here and give me some room.

Okay, okay, I'll go
out and have a drink.

Okay.

I love you, Sharon.

Don't stop.

Oh, God, please don't stop.

Richard.

( tender theme playing )

Oh.

He should be in his room, sir.

Well, I just wanna let him
know what's happening.

Right.

Mr. Dennison! (
funky music playing )

Hey.

Just the man I'm looking for.

GOPHER: Mr. D.,

you are in a lot of trouble.

You remember the captain?

Hey, yeah, what's
happening, man?

Yes, uh, well,

we finally reached
your parents, and,

well, they've been
chasing around all night

trying to find you.

Theodore, you've
got 'em worried sick.

Hey, man, they... They
not worried about me.

They... They... They
worried about themselves.

They... They... They fight.

They... They talking
about getting a divorce.

Hey, look. I figure if
they splitting, I'm splitting.

Mr. Dennison, you're
a pretty gutsy guy, but...

But, uh, we think you
should know that your parents

plan on meeting the
ship in Puerto Vallarta,

and they wanna take
you back home with them.

( sighs )

Home.

Hey, look, I got no home.

( melancholy theme playing )

( sighs )

When do we get
to this Puerto place?

Day after tomorrow.

Hey, maybe by
then I'll have a home.

I'll see y'all guys
later, man. Be cool.

Be cool? ( sighs )

Be cool. Be cool.

I'm telling you, Julie,

that's what she
told the Captain:

that you said for her
to wear that dress.

Well, you must have heard wrong.

Why would Connie
tell a lie like that?

Because she couldn't
think of anything better.

We just met.

But, Maisie, I'm offering you

something I couldn't
offer anybody else.

Oh. Jack, I'm sorry,
but I really don't need

a homeowner's policy.

Uh, I mean, um...
Well, don't rush me.

Y... A woman needs time.

But my policy is...

Honesty. Honesty
is the best policy.

And I... I honestly don't think
I can go through with this.

Not on our first date.

( light-hearted theme playing )

A-ha!

You eavesdropper.

Well, I'm glad you
heard what went on.

It's obvious that
Jack's crazy about me.

I had to fight to keep
him out of my cabin.

Are you kidding?!

He was trying to
sell you insurance

in the middle of the night.

Let's face it.

Nothing's happening there,
and nothing is going to.

Oh, really?

Oh, really?

Well, you just tune
in tomorrow night,

and you'll hear something
that'll make your ears drop off!

( upbeat theme playing )

Oh, excuse me, mister.
Uh, could I please come in?

RICHARD: Come in.

Thanks.

It... It almost got me.

Who? A...

A-a-a kinda King
Kong thing with fins.

RICHARD: Oh, a nightmare?

THEODORE: I-is
it okay if I sit down,

just for a minute?

Sure.

I'm, uh, Theodore
from next door.

Where are your
parents, Theodore?

I-I don't have any.

I'm alone.

RICHARD: Who's
taking care of you?

THEODORE: I... I
can take care of myself.

I-I can handle anything,
except nightmares.

Okay.

You stay here with
us till you feel better.

That may be a while.

I'm a slow healer.

( chuckles )

Well, why don't I
order some milk?

It's great for nightmares.

I already had the nightmare.

But how about
some hot chocolate?

( chuckles )

Okay.

When I had parents...
You know, like, before.

And I had bad dreams,

my mother, she used to
let me get in bed with her.

( sighs )

Come on.

( laughing )

There.

Now, you're gonna be just fine.

That old monster wouldn't
dare come after you here.

Yeah?

Yeah.

( Theodore laughs )

( upbeat theme playing )

( Julie giggles )

Don't ask me to tell
you, because it's a secret.

What's a secret?

Connie and me.

I told you not to ask me.
You know I can't keep a secret.

BRICKER: Connie
and you? That's funny,

'cause last night
in the moonlight,

it was Connie and me.

Oh, you poor
gullible fool, you. Me?

I'll tell you who's
gullible: you.

That girl's only after
one thing: your job.

And she'll use
anybody to try and get it.

Come to think of
it, she did ask me

if you had a long-term contract.

Honestly, you guys, and they
say women are suspicious.

( light-hearted theme playing )

Let's see, you're a Tom Collins.

You are a gin and tonic.

And you are a zombie.

Oh, nothing personal. Heh, heh.

( chuckles )

Well, I didn't know they made
orthopedic bathing suits. Ha.

Oh, well, listen to the sexpot.

No sex and all pot.

( clears throat )

I'd love to stand here and
watch the sun dry you out,

but, uh, Barbi and I have plans.

First a little fiesta,
and then a little siesta.

If you know what that means.

Oh, sure.

One drink and you're out cold.

( light-hearted theme playing )

Here he comes.

Hey, good morning, Theodore.

S-say what? ( music
playing on headphones )

Good morning.

( chuckling ): Oh, oh.

Good morning.

SHARON: Good morning.

Listen, can I ask
you something? Sure.

( sighs )

Well... would you adopt me?

( tender theme playing )

I-I'm a nice kid.
A-affectionate.

And... A-a-and I work hard.

And I had a paper
route ever since I was 6.

And... oh. Oh, and
I'm gonna grow taller.

Look, Theodore, I...

I-I-I'd be perfect for
your kids to play with.

That is your son, the
picture in the room?

Theodore... It's okay.

Theodore, our son died.

Oh.

Yeah.

Then we'd be
perfect for each other.

Well, seeing as how you're
kinda like orphans too.

( tender theme playing )

( both chuckle )

( tranquil theme playing )

You look beautiful.

Well, you're looking
pretty good yourself.

You know, Theodore
thinks you are very together.

Listen, hon, about Theodore...

Isn't he something?

Can you imagine? A
kid with his background,

one orphanage after another
and he still turned out great.

Hey, Richard, with
the advantages

we could give him...
Sharon, he has parents.

Oh. He does not.

I spoke to the captain today.

He ran away from home,

and his parents are coming to
pick him up in Puerto Vallarta.

I see, and who paid for
his cabin on this ship?

He did, with his
newspaper route money.

That's ridiculous.

He just told everybody that
story because he doesn't want

'em to know the truth.

Richard, nobody wants him.

He... He told me, his... His
uncle in Mexico paid for the trip.

Theodore is being forced on him,

because he happens
to be a relative.

He's gonna be taken
off this ship to live the rest

of his childhood with a man

who doesn't give
a damn about him.

Sweetheart, even
if that were true,

which I doubt, we couldn't
do anything about it.

Can we just see what
happens in Puerto Vallarta?

Please.

( sighing ): Okay.

Thank you. Mwah!

Guess who's coming to dinner.

Hey, guys, what do you think
of my idea for the captain's

cocktail party: Wild West Night.

We'll get all the crew
and all the passengers,

and everybody to dress
up in Western clothes,

and we'll have the waiters wear
big old handlebar mustaches,

and big cowboy hats, and...

Oh, and we'll serve
mugs of beer and red-eye,

and we'll just all sit around

and sing all those
old Western songs.

What do you think? Yeah.

I think that's terrific.

Good evening, all.

GOPHER: Good evening, sir.

Uh, Miss Evans has just
told me about a wonderful idea

she has for my
farewell cocktail party:

a wild West night.

No kidding.

Hey, guys, I'll bet the
waiters can wear cowboy hats,

and handlebar mustaches.

ISAAC: And we can serve beer

in mugs, and red-eye.

And sing all the
old-fashioned Western songs?

Darn tootin'.

Well, I see she's
already told you.

How did you ever think of it?

Just came to me.

STUBING: And since this
is Miss Evans' own idea,

I think we should let
her handle all of it. Oh!

I was just about to make
that very same suggestion.

Good.

Shall we? Yes.

( chuckles )

How about that?

Yeah.

And I thought you
said it was your idea.

( horn blows )

SHARON: Theodore, open the door.

( knocking on door )

Theodore, we're
gonna talk to your uncle.

We're gonna try and
work something out.

Come on.

THEODORE: No way, man.

They'll never take me alive.

I have tried everything.

He won't come out.

Well, it's kind of academic now.

Nobody showed up to claim him.

( tender theme playing )

Nobody?

Sorry.

Hey, Theodore, you got us.

Hey!

( sobs )

Honey.

Yes, Mrs. Dennison,
I understand.

Now, will you still be
able to make connections?

Mm-hm, that's good.

( laughs ): Oh, believe me,
he's getting along just fine.

Yes, there's a young
couple on board

who are spending a
lot of time with him.

No, I understand.

Yeah, so we'll see
you in Mazatlán.

Good, and don't worry,
he's getting along just fine.

Yay!

( upbeat theme playing )

RICHARD: Watch
out for the sharks.

Whoa!

( laughs )

Here you go.

Did you like that, Mrs. Baker?

I thought that was terrific.

You're probably gonna
be in the next Olympics.

Next Olympics?

Yeah.

Um, Mrs. Baker, well, it...
It's an awful lot of words.

Well, i-is it okay if
I call you "Mom"?

( joyful theme playing )

Just for the trip?

Sure, it's okay.

( upbeat theme playing )

( knocking on door )

May I come in?

Of course.

I just wanted to be sure
that everything was all right

for the party tonight.

Down to the last detail.

I just, uh, happened to
come across your notes, uh,

in the office.

How could you miss them?

They were in the
back of the third drawer

under a box of tissues.

At any rate,

if you need help, I'm available.

( sighs )

You know I am after your job,

and yet here you are, offering
to make my party a success.

Why?

( scoffs )

It has nothing to do with you.

I have a responsibility
to this ship,

and to Captain Stubing.

That is very
conscientious of you.

But I don't think you're
gonna have that burden

on your shoulders much longer.

The Captain and I are
becoming very close.

Did you see these?

"Tonight is only the
beginning. Merrill."

Did he ever send you flowers?

Many times.

Oh.

When I had the flu,
when I broke my leg.

Not exactly the
same thing, is it?

( phone ringing )

Hello?

MAN ( on phone ):
Did you get my roses?

Oh, it's you. Hello, yes!

Yes, they are beautiful.

( whispers ): She buys it.

( as Stubing ): Ah,
please, call me Merrill.

Call me a cab.

( giggles )

Well, if you insist, Merrill.

I'd like you to do something
for me, Miss Evans.

Uh-huh.

I'm going to have a
very important guest

at the party tonight.

A Mr. Humbertson.

I'd like you to give him
some special attention,

if you know what I mean.

Ah... What kind of,
uh, special attention

did you have in mind?

( giggles )

Really?

( band playing country song )

I think this booth is big
enough for the two of us.

( chuckles )

You're the only person in here
that looks like a real cowboy.

Who are you, Billy the Kid?

Billy the...? Nah.

Ain't you ever
hear of Black Bart?

( laughing )

( all clapping along to music )

Oh, lookie here.

Hey.

Now, here you go there, Julie.

How is the head
on this here beer?

The only head I want is
blond and mounted on a wall.

Oh, lighten up, Julie.
It's a wonderful party.

Will you lookie here.

Why is she wearing that dress?

She knows Captain
Stubing hates it.

Uh, maybe he
asked her to wear it.

Yeah, maybe he
phoned her and said:

( as Stubing ): "Wear
the low-cut gown.

It really turns me on."

( normal voice ): He could
have said a lot of things.

You didn't!

( as John Wayne ): You
ought to hear my John Wayne.

(normal voice ):
That's not it, of course.

( band continues playing )

Evening, ma'am.

Yee-haw. Whoo!

I've taken a lot of cruises
in my time, captain,

but you run the tightest
ship I've ever been on.

Why, thank you, Mr. Humbertson.

I've got a great crew.

Hi, darling.

Miss Evans.

Uh, this is, uh, our
assistant cruise director.

How do you do? You
must be Mr. Humbertson.

You are every bit as cute

as Merrill said you
were. Miss Evans.

Why don't we take a little
stroll around the deck?

Uh... not right now, thank you.

Well, uh, why don't
we have a little dance?

I think they are
playing our song.

Miss Evans.

Uh, Miss Evans, we have no
song, and when I stroll on deck,

I usually stroll with my wife.

Excuse us. Doris.

Excuse us, Mr. Humbertson,

uh, this has been
a terrible mistake.

What happened, Merrill?

This way, Miss Evans.

( dramatic theme playing )

( upbeat theme playing )

But this was
Julie's fault, all of it.

Then consider yourself
lucky, Miss Evans.

After you leave
the ship tomorrow,

you won't have to
work with her anymore.

I'm fired?

Exactly. ( knocking )

Yes, come in.

Captain, there's something
I think you should know.

Connie was sandbagged.

I beg your pardon?

Someone on the crew
imitated your voice, sir,

and set Connie up so that
she'd embarrass herself

tonight at your party.

They did it to protect me.

They knew she was after my job.

Your job? Yes, sir.

This girl isn't qualified
to do half your job.

Sandbagged or not, you should
have had more common sense

than to throw yourself
at a passenger.

Goodnight, Miss Evans. Goodbye.

( door opens )

( door closes )

I don't understand you.

I have pulled every
trick in the book

to make you look bad.

Why'd you stick up for me?

( quiet theme playing )

Because I think
you have potential.

You just need to stop
scheming and start working.

( huffs )

( sighs )

It's never been easy
for me to say I'm sorry.

But I am.

I really am.

And I deserve everything
the crew did to me tonight.

I have a lot to learn.

Yes, you do.

Oh, excuse me, I
was looking for...

Ah, there you are.

Um... my wife went to sleep.

Could we take that
stroll along the deck now?

( playing country song )

Well, I used to do a little
bit of that stuff. Heh, heh.

Well, you finally
invited me to your cabin.

I was afraid you were
gonna be a gentleman

for the whole trip. Heh, heh.

Your worries are over, my
dear. Don't worry about a thing.

Let's get this key in the
old lock here. Let's see.

( door rattles )

What the heck's the
matter with this thing?

It doesn't seem to work.

( boogie playing on radio )

Oh, um... Oh,
it's you, Mr. Moss.

Oh, I'm sorry. Wrong room.

I was a little preoccupied.

It's kinda hard to concentrate
with, uh, Barbi around.

Oh, Durwood, you
say the cutest things.

( chuckles )

DURWOOD: Well, sorry to
disturb your sleep, Miss Nolan.

Oh, don't worry about it.

I... I'm not ready for bed. Yet.

JACK: Who is it, Maisie, baby?

Oh, it's just old
Mr. Moss, honey.

Let's boogie.

( giggles )

Get in here.

You're a very sexy man, Durwood.

You just need the
right girl to turn you on.

Oh, well, you do.

You do.

I don't know. You
don't act like it.

Well, I'm sorry, it's just
all that terrible music

coming from the next cabin.

It's destroying the mood.

Well, you'd think people

would have a
little consideration.

You just don't like me.

Are you kidding?

I do, I do.

If only they'd
turn off that darn...

Uh, they turned
it off. Heh, heh.

They turned it off!

Oh, good.

Would you like a drink?

I could use one.

Okay, what would you like?

Well, how about that
Crème de Menthe?

That's after-shave.

Oh. Whatever.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a second.

Uh... Well, that...
That doesn't...

What are you doing
with that glass?

Uh, this is the way
you test fine crystal.

Isn't that fine? Ha-ha.

( light-hearted theme playing )

Oh, Maisie, it
takes a real woman,

like you, to take my
mind off the rat race.

Mm. I haven't said floater
or double indemnity all night.

( chuckles weakly )

Uh, Jack. Uh, no.

Really, please, I-I-I...
I-I-I'm sorry, but I...

I can't. Uh... I can't
go through with it.

Not with, uh... Not with
my husband next door.

That's your husband?

In the next cabin?

With that blond?

And I'm in here with you?

Call me a... A prude, lady,

but I want no part of
a kinky scene like this.

( playful theme playing )

( door shuts )

Bye, Jack.

( upbeat theme playing )

Oh. Oh, dear. Ah...

( groans )

Oh, what... What a night.

Oh. Oh, good morning.

Morning.

Um, did you, um, sleep well?

No.

No, as a matter of fact, I
hardly got a wink all night.

( chuckles )

Um, no hurry getting dressed.

I'll see you on deck.

No one in there, huh?

Nothing happened
in there either, right?

( both laughing )

I was so jealous
of you and that guy.

Oh, and all I kept thinking
about was you and that Barbi.

Nah.

Maisie, I love you.

You do?

Yes.

Very much.

And from now on, I'm
gonna tell you so often

you're gonna get
sick of hearing about it.

Oh, Durwood.

Incidentally, you, um...

You came on this
cruise for romance, right?

Well, I'm gonna see to it that
you don't go home empty-handed.

( romantic theme playing )

Your place or mine?

Yours.

( chuckles )

And then mine, and then yours,

and then mine, and then yours.

( upbeat theme playing )

( sighs )

I don't know what's
with him today.

I mean, he seems like he's
got something on his mind,

but he doesn't
want to talk about it.

We need to talk too,
Sharon. About Theodore.

Oh, Richard, if you're gonna
tell me again how his parents

missed the plane to
Puerto Vallarta, I really...

Okay, okay, we're in Mazatlán
now, do you see any parents?

( knocking on door )

Uh, there's the
steward with our lunch.

Hello, Richard, Sharon.

Uh... Mr. and Mrs. Dennison.

( quiet theme playing )

They're Theodore's parents.

How do you do?

RICHARD: Hello. Please come in.

JULIE: Mr. and Mrs. Dennison,

I'd like you to meet the Bakers.

They've been very
nice to your son.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

You've been very kind.

Go away.

I don't know who they are.

I swear I don't.

Theodore, don't you think
you've hurt your mother enough?

She... She's not my mother.

Not any more.

Hey, look... You don't want me.

Neither one of you do.

Hey, Theodore, stop it.

Baby, listen.

Now, we've got
ourselves together.

Now, we know you
heard us fighting.

That's why you ran away.

But everything's fine now.

We love you.

Come back home.

Please.

No.

It's too late.

Got somebody now.

Uh...

Theodore, you, uh...

You remember I was
telling you about my son?

And how he went away.

Yeah.

Well, I want you to know
what that's like for the parents.

They can't sleep at night,
because they lie awake

thinking about
their lost little boy.

Then, well, um...

Um, every... Every time they...

Every time they turn around,

they see his face.

( Sharon sniffles )

And every time they
hear a child laugh,

they hear him laugh.

And... And they wish...

And they wish that, um,
he'd come back again,

so they'd have somebody to love.

( crying )

So they could tell
him just once more

how much they love him.

( both crying )

( tender theme swells )

Now...

Now, I want you to
go with your folks,

because they need you.

Hey, they need you.

No.

Hey, kid, stop it.

I can't.

Honey, they can't
make it without you.

Now, you go on.

( sobbing )

You okay?

Yeah, I think so.

( door shuts ) Yeah.

I think I'm gonna be just fine.

( upbeat theme playing )

( light theme playing )

Julie?

Uh...

I don't know how to thank you
for everything you taught me.

How to be a cruise
director in six easy lessons.

No. A refresher course in
how to become a human being.

You're gonna be fine.

Thank you.

Bye.

Good luck. Thank you.

( both laugh )

Oh, Gopher, I had
the best vacation

I've had my whole life.

Oh, well, I'm glad you
enjoyed it, Miss Nolan.

Uh, Mrs. Moss.

Say it again.

I love you.

I love you, I love
you, I love you.

Again.

I love you! Ha, ha, ha, ha.

That's funny, I don't remember
giving them a blood test.

If we're gonna share a cab,

we better hurry
before they're all taken.

Yeah, just a minute.

Uh, now, captain,
about that insurance.

Uh, now, I told
you, Mr. Plymouth,

I don't need any
more life insurance.

Accident? I have it.

Health? That too.

Theft? Uh, not really.

Uh, whenever I dock the ship,

I always take the
key out of the ignition.

I hope I see you again.

You know, Barbi, I'd really
like to handle your policies.

Oh!

Oh, you know we
never did get a chance

to talk about the old hometown.

I'll tell you what:

we'll do it when you move
back home to raise your family.

Well, that'll
probably be a while.

No, Julie, you have to hurry.

You see, our kid's gonna
need someone to play with.

I never did want to adopt,
but you know how women are.

She's got this crazy
idea that kids are kids.

You can't tell a woman
anything these days.

( stammers )

Thanks.

Goodbye.

Good luck.

SHARON: Bye.

( majestic theme playing )