The Loud House (2016–…): Season 3, Episode 22 - Really Loud Music - full transcript

- ♪ Crashing through
the crowded halls ♪

♪ Dodging girls
like Ping-Pong balls ♪

♪ Just to reach the bathroom
on time ♪

♪ Leaping over laundry piles

♪ Diapers you can smell
for miles ♪

♪ Guy's got to do
what he can to survive ♪

- ♪ In the Loud house

♪ In the Loud house

- ♪ Duck, dodge, push,
and shove ♪

♪ Is how we show our love

- ♪ In the Loud house,
in the Loud house ♪



- ♪ One boy and ten girls

♪ Wouldn't trade it
for the world ♪

- ♪ Loud Loud Loud

♪ Loud house

- Poo-poo.

[upbeat music]

♪

[feedback whines]

- Here we go.

[device chimes]

[rock music]

♪

♪ Rock 'n' roll
is running through my veins ♪

- ♪ Hey! Hey!



- ♪ Electric soul
like wires to my brain ♪

- ♪ Hey! Hey!

- ♪ I can't be wrong,
don't need direction ♪

♪ I can find my way

♪ Play it loud, play it loud

♪ I got no time
for turning it down ♪

♪ Play it loud, play it proud

♪ I live it, I breathe it

♪ Don't tell me
I don't need it now ♪

♪ Play it loud

♪ Sorry I'm not sorry
for being proud ♪

♪ Play it loud

♪ Turn it up
until your speakers blow out ♪

♪ Until your speakers
blow out ♪

♪ Until your speakers
blow out ♪

♪ Until
your speakers blow out ♪

[device beeps]

All right, let's do this.

Wish me luck, Mick!

[upbeat music]

- Hey there! I'm Michelle.
- And I'm Doug.

- And we're the producers
of "America's Next Hitmaker"!

- Here's how it works.

Submit your original song,

and if you make the top five,

you'll get to perform
before millions on live TV!

- And if your song
gets the most viewer votes,

you get a record deal.

- So upload
your submission now,

'cause maybe
you've got the song

the whole world will love!

- You know I do!

Wait.
The whole world?

I mean, I love my song,
but will everybody?

Maybe I better think
about this.

[playful music]

- ♪ A plumber's job
is never done ♪

♪ Especially in this house

♪ I've been dubbed
the number one ♪

♪ To get the number twos
to go down ♪

♪ But when life throws me
a storm ♪

♪ I still sing along

♪ To the bang, bang
of those pipes ♪

♪ That's my kind of song

- Killer song, Lans!
- What song?

- The one
you were just singing!

- I don't know
what you're talking about.

I wasn't singing.

But this baby will be,

once I've replaced
her trip lever.

[lively music]

- ♪ It is hard to make
looking this good look easy ♪

♪ And it takes a few mistakes
to be just right ♪

♪ Looking perfect is a gift

♪ When I feel meh,
I act as if ♪

♪ A little lip gloss
keeps me going all day long ♪

♪ When my high heels
hit the floor ♪

♪ The applause becomes a roar

♪ And I hold the last note
long ♪

♪ That's my kind of song

♪

My kind!

- Sweet performance, Lols!

You doing that song
at your next pageant?

- What song? My pageant talent
is martial arts right now.

Hiyah!

[explosion]

[hip-hop music]

- ♪ Yippee-ki-yay,
yo, yo, yo ♪

♪ I make this Bunsen burner
start to overflow ♪

♪ Mix some dope rhymes
with a little H2O ♪

♪ My idiom for indium
is shine like gold ♪

♪ Barium, radium,
don't you be afraidium ♪

♪ I'm packing the palladium,
they'll call it Lisa Stadium ♪

♪ Reppin' my hood
from coast to coast ♪

♪ I'm better than sliced bread,
they callin' me burnt toast ♪

- Uh, Lis?
What were you just doing?

- Uh, working, per uzh.

- So you weren't just rapping?

Get it together, dude!
You're wigging out!

- Do I detect
some psychological distress?

I've been known to dabble
in the soft sciences.

Take a seat.

- So I was about to hit send,
but then I wondered,

is this the song
the whole world will love?

And that's when
I started hearing things.

Lola singing a show tune,

Lana doing her toilet jam.

- And me, spitting sick rhymes
about the periodic table.

It's clear
these aural hallucinations

are projections
of your inner uncertainty.

Your subconscious
is flipping between stations,

trying to find the right sound
for your song.

- Dude!
That makes total sense!

So what is the right sound?

[smooth music]

♪

- ♪ Is it a crush?

♪ Or maybe it's chemistry

♪ Maybe it's all in my head

Lori, look at this thread!

♪ Tell me what you see

♪ When he IMs my friends,
is he trying to get me? ♪

♪ Look at this one again,
what do you think it means? ♪

- ♪ He's got to like you
for you ♪

♪ And your music too

♪ Don't want to call it
"like" ♪

♪ If it isn't true

♪ It's online,
it's not life ♪

♪ And the real world
takes time ♪

♪ Just to figure out
what's right or wrong ♪

♪ Throw down
that slow jam groove ♪

both:
♪ We got our own kind of song

♪ Ooh

- Huh, maybe that's the kind
of song people want to hear,

something deep and soulful.

[cheerful music]

- ♪ Every now and then I think
the world's a scary place ♪

♪ But I remember
it looks better ♪

♪ With a pie
thrown at your face ♪

♪ If the glass
looks half empty ♪

♪ Break off the empty half

♪ And use it
as a pirate's leg ♪

♪ Give everyone a laugh!

♪ Rubber duckies,
windup monkeys ♪

♪ 6-foot leprechauns

♪ Well, life's my stage,
a laugh parade ♪

♪ Yeah, that's my kind
of song ♪

Hey, hey!

- Well, it can't be that one.

[gloomy music]

♪

- The universe is empty.

And there's nothing
to be sure of but darkness.

There's no music in the void,

so why bother anyway?

Embrace the emptiness.
Own the futility.

The only song worth singing
is silence.

- Heavy, man.

Maybe that's what people
will dig.

Something dark and somber.

- Lynn-sanity in da house!

[techno music]

♪ Get pumped! What!
Get ready! Huh! ♪

♪ This beat's about to get
heavy, oh, yeah ♪

♪ Rough riders! Olé!

♪ That's the sound of me
winning all day ♪

♪ I'm a walking trophy,
got my beat, got my drums ♪

♪ Give me a T-R-O-F-Y

- I think you spelled that
wrong!

- ♪ That's my kind of song

Yeah!

All right!

Whoo!

All right! Up top!

- Look what you did to Edwin,

you monster.

- What? You wanna go?

[grunting, blows falling]

- Okay, so maybe
people want a song

that gets the blood pumping.

Oh, I don't know.

The more I hear,
the more confused I get!

[country music]

- ♪ Darling, keep me company
on the rocky road of life ♪

- ♪ We'll just sing
in harmony ♪

♪ As the kids all scream,
"Be quiet!" ♪

both: ♪ So let's
turn up the radio and drive ♪

- ♪ I'll be out of tune

- ♪ I'll be out of time

- ♪ Don't have much to lose

- ♪ But we'll be fine

both: ♪ We're gonna keep
singing loud and wrong ♪

♪ 'Cause that's our kind
of song ♪

- Huh. Maybe a country song
is the answer.

[electronic music]

But of course,

here comes another one.

both: ♪ And the beat
goes on and on ♪

♪ Even if we get it wrong

♪ 'Cause friends don't think,
they're just in sync ♪

♪ Best buds, amigos,
the list goes on ♪

♪ Can't keep up,
can't sing along ♪

♪ That's our kind of song

♪

- [sighs]
Or...

maybe that's the ticket,
something people can dance to.

Unless
I should go with a slow jam,

o-or show tunes...

o-or maybe rap.

No, country!

[groans]
It's hopeless!

[groans]

- ♪ The mic drops,
we don't stop ♪

♪ Pretend the sun's
never coming up ♪

♪ High tops, tube socks

- Ooh, I literally
love this song!

- Shut up, so do I!

- ♪ Guess it's just whatever

♪ Whatever

♪ Put your hands in the air
like the ceiling ain't there ♪

♪ Make this last forever

- Make a hole! Make a hole!
This song is my jam!

[pop music continues]

- I should hate it...

but I don't.

- Likewise. Curse this inane
yet diabolically catchy tune!

- ♪ Friday nights,
summer lights ♪

♪ Just me, my friends, and I

♪ Top down, peel out

♪ But I'm yelling at my mom

♪ 'Cause I'm still too young
to drive ♪

- Mom!

[dog barking]

- ♪ Guess it's just whatever

- I love this song!

- ♪ Put your hands in the air
like the ceiling ain't there ♪

♪ Make this last forever

♪ Yeah,
there's nothing's worse ♪

♪ Than that thing over there
- Eww!

- ♪ And nothing's better
than the best ♪

♪ Best, best thing ever

♪

[all cheering]

- Best song ever!
- So catchy!

- Dude, bubblegum pop!

That's the kind of song
the whole world loves!

- What a workout!

Who wants Flippees?
I'll drive!

[all cheering]

- Luna, you coming?

- You guys go without me.

I've got a contest to win.

[device chimes]

- [exhales]

All right, take two.

♪ Clock is ticking

♪ Time is running out,
every second counts ♪

♪ Overthinking

♪ I can't turn it off,
so I'll tune it out ♪

♪ All we know is
la la la la la ♪

♪ So might as well just
la la la la la ♪

♪ We just want to
la la la la la ♪

♪ All day long

♪ Everybody loves this,
everybody does this ♪

♪ I'm just gonna do it too

♪ We don't need a new song,
we already got one ♪

♪ I'm just gonna give you
what everybody wants ♪

♪ What everybody
wants ♪

♪ What everybody wants

♪ What everybody
wants ♪

♪ Guess I want it too

[device beeps]

Now that's a song
the whole world will love.

Upload, and...

Submit!

Fingers crossed, Mick!

Maybe someday
I'll be opening for you.

[screams]

I'm in, I'm in, I'm in!

- In what, in what, in what?

- "America's Next Hitmaker"!

I just got an email saying my
song made it to the top five!

[all cheering]

- We knew you could do it!

- Is it the song
you've been playing

for the last couple of days?

[together]
♪ Play it loud, play it loud

♪ I got no time
for turning it down ♪

- Actually,
I submitted a different one.

I really want to win
this contest,

so I needed a song
the whole world would dig.

- Well, looks like
you nailed it!

- [grunts]
- Way to dominate!

- Thanks, dude.

But watch the diaphragm.

I still got to sing.

Whoa!

Rad!

- [clears throat]
- Excuse me.

I think you might be
in the wrong theater.

The auditions for "So You Think
You Can Head Bang"

are down the street.

- No, dudes. I'm here
for "America's Next Hitmaker."

I'm Luna Loud,
one of the finalists.

♪ All we know is
la la la la la ♪

- Ooh! Love it!

But you're not exactly
what we expected.

- Yeah, your look
is interesting,

but it doesn't really fit
with your song.

- Oh, I-I was just trying
to write something

the whole world would love.

- Great attitude.
That's what this is all about.

- So now that you've got
the song covered,

let's make you into a girl
the whole world will love.

- Uh...
- Nothing crazy.

Just a couple little tweaks.

Sometimes in the music biz,

you got to play the game
to get the fame.

- You do want the fame,
don't you?

- Well, sure.
- Then trust us!

♪ We've got a lot of work
to do and not a lot of time ♪

- ♪ Don't worry, dear,
just sign right here ♪

♪ Don't read
between the lines ♪

- ♪ That's not supposed
to fit that way ♪

- ♪ Your hair, your boots,
your clothes, oy vey! ♪

both: ♪ We know what to do

♪ We'll just fix a thing
or two ♪

♪ Or three or four or five

♪ We love you, you're Luna,
now change ♪

♪ You're destined for fortune
and fame ♪

♪ There's so much room
for improvement ♪

♪ We love you, you're Luna,
now change ♪

♪ And we know
it might feel wrong ♪

♪ But if you just play along

- ♪ Everybody's going to

both: ♪ Love what you've
turned into ♪

♪ We love you, you're Luna,
now change ♪

♪ It's all how you play
the game ♪

♪ All big stars
could use improvement ♪

♪ We love you, you're perfect

♪ We love you,
you're worth it! ♪

♪ We love you, you're Luna

♪ Now change!

- Hey, Lola.
- Dude. It's me, Luna.

[all gasp]

- Learn to take a compliment,
sweetie.

- Luna, what happened to you?
- Nothing.

The producers
just made a few tweaks.

[sneezes]
- A few tweaks?

You are literally
unrecognizable.

- [scoffs]
Give me a break, dude.

- Oh, hi.
Rita Loud.

You must be
one of Lori's friends.

- Mom! It's Luna!

[both gasp]
- Chill, guys!

Sometimes
in the music industry,

you got to play the game
to get the fame.

They just don't get it,
Mick.

- Don't worry, love.
I do.

This is a tough business.

Only one in a million makes it.

You got to do
what you got to do.

Besides, it's not like
you're selling your soul.

- Right?
That's what I'm saying!

- You're still you.
You're still Luna Loud.

- Sorry,
you're no longer Luna Loud.

- Excuse me, brah?

- We did some pre-show testing,

and the name Luna Loud

just doesn't say
"girl the whole world loves."

- But your new one does!

- Lulu?

- Yep! Just Lulu!

Isn't it fabulous?

- This doesn't even
have strings!

How am I supposed to play it?

- Oh, honey,
you don't need to play!

Or sing.
You just have to lip-synch.

- Almost showtime!
Break a leg, Lulu!

- What?

[soft music]

♪ Who is that
in the mirror? ♪

♪ Looking back,
I don't know her ♪

♪ But she reminds me
of someone I knew ♪

♪ Someone real,
with imperfections ♪

♪ I can't deal,
no direction ♪

♪ Lost the map,
where it was leading me to ♪

♪ But maybe I was standing
there all along ♪

♪ What have I done?
Is it too late? ♪

♪ Trying to be someone I'm not,
now I'm someone I hate ♪

♪ For a moment
in the spotlight ♪

♪ Then it's gone

♪ What have I done?
What price have I paid? ♪

♪ It ain't worth it no more,
it's material made ♪

♪ I just want to be
right back where I belong ♪

♪ What have I done?

♪ What have I done?

♪ Every note rearranged

♪ Every word
is someone else's ♪

♪ Till I'm left
with the ghost of a girl ♪

♪ I gave in and I regret it

♪ Gave too much
but now I get it ♪

♪ Changed myself and lost
my way to change the world ♪

♪ Maybe I can still rewrite
that song ♪

♪ What have I done?
Is it too late? ♪

♪ Trying to be someone I'm not,
no, I won't be replaced ♪

♪ With a moment
in the spotlight ♪

♪ Till it's gone

♪ What have I done?
What price have I paid? ♪

♪ No, it's not worth it
no more, it's material made ♪

♪ I just want to be
right back where I belong ♪

♪ What have I done?

♪ What have I done?

♪ What have I done?

♪ What have I done?

- And then we'll fire
the glitter cannons.

- Focus groups loved
the glitter cannons.

- Um, Doug, Michelle,

I've been doing some thinking.

What if we made
a few more tweaks?

- What do you have in mind?

- Well, how about if I actually
perform the song?

And I do it
in my regular clothes.

And I keep my name.

- Sweetie, those are a bit more
than tweaks.

- I know, but--
- Let me break it down for you.

You go on as Lulu,
or you don't go on at all.

Are we clear?

- [sighs]

[crowd cheering]

- Our next contestant hails
from Royal Woods, Michigan.

- Whoo! It's Luna!

- Please give a warm welcome
to Lulu!

[cheers and applause]

- Lulu?
- What?

I'm so embarrassed.

I've been calling her Luna
all these years!

- Sorry,
I've made a huge mistake.

This isn't me.
I'm not Lulu.

I am Luna Loud!

[crowd gasps]

- Mine!

[rock music]

♪

- ♪ Rock 'n' roll
is running through my veins ♪

- ♪ Hey! Hey!

- ♪ Electric soul

♪ Like wires to my brain

- ♪ Hey! Hey!

- ♪ I can't be wrong,
don't need direction ♪

♪ I can find my way

♪ Play it loud, play it loud

♪ I got no time
for turning it down ♪

♪ Play it loud, play it proud

♪ I live it, I breathe it

♪ Don't tell me
I don't need it now ♪

♪ Play it loud

♪ Sorry I'm not sorry
for being proud ♪

♪ Play it loud, turn it up
until your speakers blow out ♪

- You're disqualified!

- ♪ Hey!

♪ Hey! Hey! Hey!

- ♪ First things first,
I ain't no second place ♪

♪ Rules are meant for bending
till they break ♪

♪

♪ Right or wrong,
with no exceptions ♪

♪ Rocking out my way

♪ Play it loud, play it loud

♪ I got no time
for turning it down ♪

♪ Play it loud, play it proud

♪ I live it, I breathe it

♪ Don't tell me
I don't need it now ♪

♪ Play it loud

♪ Sorry I'm not sorry
for being proud ♪

♪ Play it loud

♪ Turn it up
until your speakers blow out ♪

♪ Until your speakers
blow out ♪

♪ Until
your speakers blow out! ♪

[cheers and applause]

- Do you know
what you've just given up?

- Yeah, but I know
what I'm keeping.

The real Luna Loud!

[cheers and applause]

- ♪ Cramped inside
this tiny space ♪

♪ May sound bad
but ain't the case ♪

♪ In the Loud house
- ♪ Loud house

- ♪ Duck and dodge
and push and shove ♪

♪ That's the way we show
our love in the Loud house ♪

- ♪ Loud house

♪ Laundry piles
stacked up high ♪

♪ Hand-me-downs
that make me cry ♪

♪ Stand in line to take a pee

♪ Never any privacy

♪ Chaos with 11 kids

♪ That's the way
it always is ♪

♪ In the Loud house