The Loud House (2016–…): Season 3, Episode 18 - Everybody Loves Leni/Middle Men - full transcript

- ♪ Crashing through
the crowded halls ♪

♪ Dodging girls
like Ping-Pong balls ♪

♪ Just to reach the bathroom
on time ♪

♪ Leaping over laundry piles

♪ Diapers you can smell
for miles ♪

♪ Guy's got to do
what he can to survive ♪

- ♪ In the Loud house

♪ In the Loud house

- ♪ Duck, dodge, push,
and shove ♪

♪ Is how we show our love

- ♪ In the Loud house,
in the Loud house ♪



- ♪ One boy and ten girls

♪ Wouldn't trade it
for the world ♪

- ♪ Loud Loud Loud

♪ Loud house

- Poo-poo.

[peppy music]

♪

[curious music]
- Hmm.

These totes bring out
your nose.

Here, don't want you
getting cold.

- Hey, Leni.
- Who told you my name?

Oh, I'm wearing a nametag.

- Shift's over.

Let's go get pretzels.



- Oh, it's you guys.
- Nice window dressing.

You made the 'kins
look like friends.

- Thanks.
I modeled them after us.

[ding]

[all munching]

That's him, right?
Burger guy?

- Yeah.
I'm so nervous about tonight.

I haven't been on a date
since things fizzled

with smoothie guy.

[mournful music]

- We'll come over after work
and help you get ready.

Right, Miguel?
- Oh, I am yours, girl.

- [gasps]
Hey, Leni.

[girls squeal]

[all kissing]

- What a fun surprise.

These are my two best friends
at school,

Jackie and Mandee,
and these are

my two best friends at work,
Miguel and Fiona.

girls: Hey.
- Oh, hi.

- Leni, we bought
so many cute shoes.

- With money to spare
for the pop-up sale

this weekend.
- Yes!

Pop-up sale!
[screams]

- Sounds like you guys
have a lot to talk about.

I should mosey.
- Yeah, me, too.

But we'll see you tonight,
Leni.

- See you at 7:00!

[mournful music]

- Wait, you're hanging out
with those guys tonight?

- Well, yeah.

Is that bad?
- It's fine.

I mean, I can't remember
the last time we spent

a Friday night together,
but it's fine.

- No, no, it's not fine.

If I'm not making enough time
for you guys,

I need to fix that.

I'll come over after I'm done
at Fiona's house, okay?

- Sounds good.
- See you laters.

[mellow music]

- I hate first dates.

What--what if we have nothing
to talk about?

- Don't worry,
you can use this list

of 25 first-date questions
I found.

[phone vibrating]

Oh, what time are you leaving
for your date, Fiona?

I should let Jackie
and Mandee know

when to expect me.
- Wait, you double-booked us?

- No, I just made
two separate plans

for the same night.
- I mean, that's legit

what a double-book is,
but it's fine.

- Yeah, go be with
your school friends.

We have this covered.

- But I'll see you guys
at the pop-up sale

this weekend?

- I mean, sure.
- Yeah, I guess.

♪

- Hey, guys!
I'm so glad we can hang out.

Tell me what's new with you.
- Oh, my gosh, so much.

I'm not sure I want to be
a veterinarian anymore.

- I'm thinking about
getting bangs.

[phone vibrating]

- Wow, that is big.

Speaking of bangs,
I should go check mine.

Make sure they're not too flat.

BRB.

[sneaky music]

Sorry, really gotta
get in there.

Fiona, what's the matter?
- Sorry to bother you guys,

but I need help.

We already got through
those 25 questions.

His answer to every one was...

[deep voice]
I guess.

- There have to be other things
you can talk about.

I know, tell him about the time

you went to Canada.

Guys love adventure!

- Are you okay?

I thought I heard you
talking to someone.

- Oh, yeah, I was just
talking to...

myself.

It helps me pee.

[phone vibrating]

Uh, but it didn't work.
I should go again.

This time I'll try singing.

- [panting, groans]

- ♪ Row-row-row your boat

♪ Gently down the stream

[phone vibrating]

- Leni, guess who's seated
at the table next to mine?

Smoothie guy!

And he looks so cute
and sensitive.

- Move to another table
immediately.

- Focus on burger guy.

It didn't work
with smoothie guy, remember?

Don't get sucked back
into that blender.

- Thanks, guys.
- ♪ Life is but a dream

[toilet flushes]

[phone vibrating]

You know what we need?
Snacks!

Don't get up,
your nails are wet.

[gasps]
Smoothie guy sent you

some chili fries,
and now burger guy

is going over there
to confront him?

[phone vibrating]

Whoops, this isn't the kitchen.

[dramatic music]

- [groans]

[whining]
- What?

Now burger guy and smoothie guy
are hanging out

without you?
- Leni?

Are you in here again?

My brother really needs to pee.

- Sorry, I'll--
I'll be right out!

Just washing my hands.

I'm really sorry, guys,
I have to go.

- Oh, I guess
your other friends

are more important
than my life.

- Fiona, it's not like that.

- O-M-gosh, are you talking

to your work friends right now?

- [shrill scream]

- Leni, are you okay?

[faucet squeaks]

- [yelps]
I'm so sorry!

I--I'll clean it up.
- Don't bother.

Mandee will help me.

We won't take up
any more of your time.

- Yeah, neither will we.

[dial tone]

[downtrodden music]

[door opens]

- [sighing repeatedly]

- [scoffs]
Leni, your sighing

is literally ruining
my texting.

What's wrong?
- I don't know what to do.

I feel torn between two groups
of friends.

How do I make them both happy?
- [clears throat]

- [scoffs]
Lincoln, what do you want?

- I think I know how
to help Leni.

When I started hanging out
with Rusty and Zach

Clyde and Liam felt left out,

so I invited everyone
to hang out together

and now we're all BFFs.

- So, you're saying my friends
should hang out

with your friends?
- No.

Bring your friends together.

- Huh.
That is surprisingly

mature advice
for an 11-year-old.

- Thank you.
Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have to go write my name
on my new Ace Savvy underwear.

[underwear stretches, snaps]

- I literally take that back.

[bouncy music]

- We're gonna have
so much fun tonight.

I planned a bunch of stuff
for us to do.

- Yogurt-covered pretzels?

[gasps]
And "16 1/2 Magazine."

My favorites.
- Ooh, sparkly water!

Eww, who drinks
"pomelo" flavor?

[doorbell rings]

- Oh, good,
the other guests are here.

And I got your favorite drink.:

- Oh, I didn't realize
this was a "party" party.

- It's just the five of us.

I can't wait for you guys
to get to know each other.

I thought we could play
a getting-to-know-you game.

On each card is a fun fact
about someone in this room.

Your job is to guess who.

Miguel, you can go first.

- "I like
pumpkin spice lattes."

I'm gonna guess Mandee.
- [gasps]

You're right.
How'd you know?

- [disparaging laugh]
If your name's Mandee,

liking pumpkin spice lattes
is pretty much

your entire brand.

- Wow, you guys know each other
so well already.

Jackie, your turn.

- "I have a winning smile."

[giggles]
Well, that must be

about Mandee.
- Actually,

it was about Miguel.

- Hmm, I don't see it.

- I'm done with this game.
- Huh, which card says,

"I'm a quitter"?

- Uh, why don't we try
something else?

Okay, I'll go first.

Right foot apple.

Mandee, why don't you go next?

- Leni knows I'm good
at this game.

Oh, left foot pineapple.

- I'm pretty good at it, too.

I'm a part-time
yoga instructor, so...

Right foot grape.

Leni, I didn't tell you.

Yesterday, I had to deal with
a total Penny.

- Oh, no, that's awful.

A "Penny"
is what we call someone

who tries using
an expired coupon.

- You kind of have
to work with us to get it.

- Leni, did you see

Rashida's prom-posal
to Brandon?

It was so addy-addy-bing-bang.

- That's our friend word
for "adorable."

- You kind of have
to go to school with us

to get it.

- Leni, I mean to thank you
for helping me get through

that awful 12-hour sale.

I was thinking about
how working together

is pretty much
the deepest bond there is.

- Really?

'Cause I was thinking
that true friendship

isn't something you can find
on a rack.

[combative music]

- [gasps]
My pomelo!

- My bag!
- It was an accident.

I'm sorry I'm not
a part-time yoga instructor.

- Leni, this was
a terrible idea.

Why did you want us
to hang out with them?

- Well, believe me, we didn't
want to hang out with you.

- [huffs]
We're leaving.

- Don't bother, we're leaving.

[all grunting]

- Guys, wait!

We didn't get to eat

the "New Best Friends" cake
I baked.

- Sorry, Leni.

And by the way, Miguel,

everyone likes pumpkin spice.

Except maybe stuck-up
part-time yoga instructors.

- [gasps]

[tense music]

- Wow, poor Leni.

She's literally
bending over backwards

for her friends.
- [groans]

[yelps]

- [groans]
These clothes will go out

of style before I get
to try them on.

- Oh, it's you.

Ugh.
- Didn't Leni tell you

that fuchsia
was last season's color?

- Mm, guess she didn't tell you

that you can't pull off
those jeans.

- [horrified gasp]
- That's it.

Leni, come out.
You have to choose.

Either them or us.

Oops.
[awkward laugh]

My bad.

Wait, isn't Leni
with you guys?

- We thought she was with you.

[gasps]
Is she blowing us all off?

- On this week's episode
of "Best Friends Forever,"

Kurt is torn
between suede fringe

and classic pinstripe.
- Luckily, my best friends

are here to help me choose
the perfect vest.

- [weeping]

[phone ringing]

Hello?
- Leni, what the heck?

Where are you?
- Oh, hey.

How's the pop-up sale?
- Never mind that.

You ditched us.

Do you have another group
of friends we don't know about?

- I'm sorry.

I knew that no matter
who I went to the sale with

I'd be upsetting someone,
so I decided to stay home.

I'll let you guys go.

I don't want to ruin your day.

- Wow.

Leni missed her favorite sale
because of us.

- Ugh.

We are the worst.

- Leni, we need to talk to you.
- We overheard your phone call

and we're worried about you.

It's not your fault
if your friends

can't get along.
- It's not?

- No, and if they can't
hang out together,

they'll just have to learn
to share you.

- You know what? You're right.

- Now you march over
to the store and tell hem

that they're gonna have
to grow up.

- Yeah, I will do that!

[rousing music]

Oh, you're here.
Well, good.

There's something I have
to say to you.

- Actually, there's something
we have to say to you.

- No, me first.

If you can't share the store,
then you're going to have

to march over to the room
and grow me up.

Wait, that's not right.

Dang it, I was gonna
practice this on the bus.

- Leni, never mind that.

We came to apologize.

- We've been acting
like total jerks.

I'm sorry we got so jealous.

- Even if the four of us
aren't gonna be besties,

we can at least try
to get along.

- 'Cause the last thing
any of us want is to lose you

as a friend.
- Aww.

That's supes sweet.

Thanks, you guys.

Hey, do you want to come in?

I was just watching
"Best Friends Forever."

both: I love that show!

- [laughing]
R--right?

I mean, how could you
go wrong?

- That vest is so
addy-addy-bing-bang

- Hey, this pomelo's
really tasty.

Good call, Miguel.

[cheerful music]

[radical rock music]

♪

- [yells]

[sniffs]
Do I smell cookies?

- Yeah, but don't waste
your time.

They're "not for family."

[lighthearted music]

- Hey, Stinkin', think fast.

[munching]
- Lynn!

- It's okay, we needed
a taste-tester.

I'm worried the bottoms
are soggy.

- Nope, nice crunch.

What are they for?
- Clyde and I have

middle-school orientation
tomorrow.

- [splutters]
You guys are coming

to my school?
- Yeah!

We got assigned
an 8th grade buddy

who's gonna take us around
and show us

what the next three years
of our lives will be like.

- And we want to make
a good impression,

so we're coming prepared.

Designed these ourselves.

- "Clincoln McCloud- BFFs."

Cookies and business cards?

That's your plan?
- I'm also planning

to use word association
to learn everyone's names.

Like, "Lynn once bruised

my shin."

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait, time out.

This stuff might fly
in elementary school, okay?

But middle school is different.

It's the jungle.

If you walk in there
looking like a couple

of weak chumps,
you'll get eaten alive.

[jaguar growls]

both: Eaten alive?

- Does that mean
we should reconsider

wearing matching turtlenecks?
- Ugh.

- Don't worry,
LJ's got your back.

- [garbled voice]
- Yo, Principal Ramirez.

Lynn Loud.
Hey, listen, who can I talk to

about becoming
an orientation buddy?

- Psst, don't throw out
those business cards.

They might still work
for high school.

[dramatic musical flourish]

[peppy music]

[indistinct chatter]
Lincoln!

Check out those columns!

Do you think they're
real marble?

- Probably.

This place is so much bigger
than our school.

Good thing they gave us maps.

- Huh?

Guys, guys, guys,
ditch the maps.

First rule of survival:

Don't act like a total noob.

- But we are noobs.

- Yeah, and if some
upperclassman realizes that,

you'll be a prime target
for pranks.

Like the kid who asked
an eighth grader for directions

on the first day of school.

The poor fool got sent
on a wild-goose-chase

down in the tunnels
under the school

and didn't make it out
until the whole day was over.

[ominous music]

[both gasp]

both: Don't... be... noobs.

[bell rings]

- Okay, homeroom.

There are no assigned seats,
so it's time

for rule number two:
Don't get stuck with

a crummy desk.

Move out!

- Oh, sorry.

Please, it's all yours.

I'd pull out the chair
for you, but...

[clears throat]
It's attached.

- Wrong.

Hey, back off, pigtails.

My buddy saw this first.

[grunts]
Boom, dominant.

Nobody's messing with that.

Hah.
- Uh, wasn't that

a little aggressive?
- [grunts]

Not if you don't want
to end up like the kid

who got stuck with
the worst desk in the room.

[ominous music]

[cruel laughter]

This one kid thought she had
the perfect desk,

but ended up getting stuck
in it so tight

that they had to call
the school cook.

- Sorry, kid.

We're gonna have to
grease you out.

You got any nut allergies?

[menacing laughter]

both: Don't get stuck
with crummy desks.

- Okay, next is Bio.

Suit up.
- Cool!

I've always wanted to wear
a lab coat.

- Welcome, fifth graders.

We are continuing our work
with live mealworms today,

so everyone grab a case
from the back of the class.

- [grunts]

[all screaming]

- Sorry, guys!

That was my fault.

I was up late making...
- [hollering]

- Lynn, what the heck?

- Rule number three:
Never own up

to making a mistake.
- But I spilled the worms.

- So?
Do you want to be like

the sixth grader who--hang on,
Clyde needs to hear this, too.

- [whimpering]

- Do you want to be like
the sixth-grader who owned up

to farting during
a standardized test?

[ominous music]

- Hey, look,
it's Farty McStink Pants!

both: Own up to nothing.

- [growling]
- [laughs]

Loving the agro body language.

Here you go.

Double-meatball subs
with extra sriracha.

- Thanks.

I'm normally not
a hot sauce guy,

but after this morning
I'm feeling dangerous.

[munching]

- Great, so my rules
are sinking in?

- Yeah, some kid just came over

to ask if she could borrow
a chair,

and guess what Clyde said?

- [deep voice]
I don't think so, pal.

- Boom.

McBride for the win.

- So what are we doing
after lunch?

- Well, actually,
we orientation buddies

are supposed to let you guys
fly solo for the rest

of the day.

See how you do on your own.
- Really?

- Already?
- Don't worry.

You guys totally got this.

Now, hands in.

Three, two, one...

all: Dominate!
- Wow, Clyde,

your hands are so soft.

- Oh, thank you.
- We'll work on that.

- First class of the afternoon:

"The Wonders of Watercolors."

- To the Art department!

Uh, which way is that again?

- Maybe if we just take
a quick peek at the map...

- No!
Lynn's first rule, remember?

Don't look like a noob.
- Right.

[bell ringing]

- [both gasp]

[doors slamming]

- Oh, no,
we're gonna be tardy!

- Hey, you guys lost?

- Nice try, bucko!

But we're not falling
for one of your

upper classmen pranks.

[hyperventilating]
- Way to dominate, Clyde.

"Bucko" was a nice touch.
- Thanks.

My dads were watching
a cop show last night.

[ambient music]

- This looks like
the Art department.

Maybe this is
the watercolor room.

[kids hollering]

- Are you kidding me?
- Go away!

- Is this "The Wonders
of Watercolors"?

- No, this is
"Fun With Photography,"

and you just ruined
a whole months' work.

I'll see you jerks
after school.

Meet me on the blacktop
at 3:00.

- You think she's inviting us
to play a game of tetherball?

- No, that's where we fight.

[both swallow]

- Okay, so we ticked off
one photo student,

but I'm sure we can
smooth everything over

after school.
- I'm already writing

the apology letter in my head.
- Come on, let's grab a seat

Remember rule number two!

These look nice and sturdy.
- Plus, we can make

great eye contact
with the teacher from here.

- Oh.
Hey, dudes.

Those are actually our seats.

- [clears throat]
We saw them first, bud.

- Um, okay.

Well, seats are assigned,

and those are
legitimately ours.

- Pssh, a likely story.

[bell ringing]

- Come on, man!
- Byron, Cici,

what are you doing
out of your seats?

I expect every student
to be ready to work

when the bell rings.

You two just earned zeroes

for participation.
[both gasp]

- Meet us on the blacktop
at 3:00.

♪

- How come we have
so many enemies?

We don't even go here yet.
- Relax.

This is our last class
of the day.

Let's just keep a low profile
and try not to make

anyone else hate us.
- Got it.

- Okay, people,
I spent all morning

buffing the dumb floor
for the PTA banquet

so no dodgeball today.

You're watching
a movie instead.

[all cheering]

- Perfect.

There's no way
we can mess this up.

[shoes squeaking]

[both shout, grunt]

- [gasps]
- [screams]

[metal clattering]

- Who's responsible for this?

- Remember rule number three:

never own up
to making a mistake.

- Well, since no one's fessin'
to the messin',

you can forget that movie.

You're all cleaning up instead.

[crash]

[all groan]

- [angry muttering]
- Don't feel bad, buddy.

If we admitted it was us,
we'd be the next

Farty McStink Pants.

- It was you?
You're making us clean?

- [angry exclamation]
- You meet us

on the blacktop at...
- Yeah, yeah, we know.

On the blacktop, 3:00.

♪

[bell ringing]

[tense music]

[birds cawing]

- Uh-oh.

♪

Guys, what's going on?

- Well, it's a long story,
but I'm pretty sure it ends

with those kids
kicking our butts.

- [munching]

- What the heck happened?
- We tried following your rules

but people didn't think
we're tough.

- They just think we're jerks,

and I'm not sure I disagree.

- Yeah, so thanks
for the great advice.

- I'm sorry.

I was just trying
to spare you guys

from what happened to me.

both: Huh?
- Yeah, my first year

of middle school
was a real horror story.

♪

Um, excuse me,
could you tell me

how to get to the gym?

- Oh, sure, it's really easy.

Just head down
those stairs over there.

[both laughing]

- So that story you told us

was about you?
- Yep.

[sighs]
They were all me.

[children laughing]

all chanting:
Farty pants! Farty pants!

- I finally figured out
that if I acted tough,

people would stop
messing with me,

and since it worked for me
I thought it could help

protect you guys, too.

- Wow, I had no idea
you went through all that.

- Me neither,
and it was nice of you

to try and help us,
even though it's gonna lead

to a lot of pain.

[whimpers]
- No, it's not,

because I'm gonna take
the heat for you guys.

both: No, no, no!
- We have to go.

- Some of those kids
might still be here next year.

They're gonna think we're wimps
who let other people

fight our battles.
- Though, when you think

about it, would that really
be so bad?

Okay, okay.

[suspenseful Western music]

♪

[watch beeps]

[both shouting]

[both grunting]

- Ugh.

- [laughs weakly]
I guess you guys don't have

to beat us up
because apparently

we can do it ourselves.

[all laughing]

- Aww, we weren't really gonna
beat you up.

We just wanted
to make you sweat a little.

- Well, it worked.

This is my third shirt
of the day.

[all laughing]

- Here, kid,
you dropped your--

hey, are these snickerdoodles?

- Uh, yeah.
Homemade.

Help yourself.
[all munching]

- Wow, these are good.

What's your name, again?
- I'm Clyde McBride,

and this is Lincoln Loud.

We're also known as
Clincoln McCloud.

"Clincoln McCloud, BFFs."

Wow, these cards are so dorky

they're actually cool.

- Hey, Lynn, is pit-stains
your brother?

- Uh, yeah.

- He and his friend
are all right.

- Yeah.

I guess they are after all.

- ♪ Cramped inside
this tiny space ♪

♪ May sound bad
but ain't the case ♪

♪ In the Loud house
- ♪ Loud house

- ♪ Duck and dodge
and push and shove ♪

♪ That's the way we show
our love in the Loud house ♪

- ♪ Loud house

♪ Laundry piles
stacked up high ♪

♪ Hand-me-downs
that make me cry ♪

♪ Stand in line
to take a pee ♪

♪ Never any privacy

♪ Chaos with 11 kids

♪ That's the way
it always is ♪

♪ In the Loud house