The Loud House (2016–…): Season 3, Episode 18 - The Loud House - full transcript

- ♪ Crashing through the crowded halls ♪
♪ Dodging girls like Ping-Pong balls ♪
♪ Just to reach the bathroom on time ♪
♪ Leaping over laundry piles
♪ Diapers you can smell for miles ♪
♪ Guy's got to do what he can to survive ♪
- ♪ In the Loud house
♪ In the Loud house
- ♪ Duck, dodge, push, and shove ♪
♪ Is how we show our love
- ♪ In the Loud house, in the Loud house ♪
- ♪ One boy and ten girls
♪ Wouldn't trade it for the world ♪
- ♪ Loud Loud Loud
♪ Loud house
- Poo-poo.
[peppy music]
♪
[curious music] - Hmm.
These totes bring out your nose.
Here, don't want you getting cold.
- Hey, Leni. - Who told you my name?
Oh, I'm wearing a nametag.
- Shift's over.
Let's go get pretzels.
- Oh, it's you guys. - Nice window dressing.
You made the 'kins look like friends.
- Thanks. I modeled them after us.
[ding]
[all munching]
That's him, right? Burger guy?
- Yeah. I'm so nervous about tonight.
I haven't been on a date since things fizzled
with smoothie guy.
[mournful music]
- We'll come over after work and help you get ready.
Right, Miguel? - Oh, I am yours, girl.
- [gasps] Hey, Leni.
[girls squeal]
[all kissing]
- What a fun surprise.
These are my two best friends at school,
Jackie and Mandee, and these are
my two best friends at work, Miguel and Fiona.
girls: Hey. - Oh, hi.
- Leni, we bought so many cute shoes.
- With money to spare for the pop-up sale
this weekend. - Yes!
Pop-up sale! [screams]
- Sounds like you guys have a lot to talk about.
I should mosey. - Yeah, me, too.
But we'll see you tonight, Leni.
- See you at 7:00!
[mournful music]
- Wait, you're hanging out with those guys tonight?
- Well, yeah.
Is that bad? - It's fine.
I mean, I can't remember the last time we spent
a Friday night together, but it's fine.
- No, no, it's not fine.
If I'm not making enough time for you guys,
I need to fix that.
I'll come over after I'm done at Fiona's house, okay?
- Sounds good. - See you laters.
[mellow music]
- I hate first dates.
What--what if we have nothing to talk about?
- Don't worry, you can use this list
of 25 first-date questions I found.
[phone vibrating]
Oh, what time are you leaving for your date, Fiona?
I should let Jackie and Mandee know
when to expect me. - Wait, you double-booked us?
- No, I just made two separate plans
for the same night. - I mean, that's legit
what a double-book is, but it's fine.
- Yeah, go be with your school friends.
We have this covered.
- But I'll see you guys at the pop-up sale
this weekend?
- I mean, sure. - Yeah, I guess.
♪
- Hey, guys! I'm so glad we can hang out.
Tell me what's new with you. - Oh, my gosh, so much.
I'm not sure I want to be a veterinarian anymore.
- I'm thinking about getting bangs.
[phone vibrating]
- Wow, that is big.
Speaking of bangs, I should go check mine.
Make sure they're not too flat.
BRB.
[sneaky music]
Sorry, really gotta get in there.
Fiona, what's the matter? - Sorry to bother you guys,
but I need help.
We already got through those 25 questions.
His answer to every one was...
[deep voice] I guess.
- There have to be other things you can talk about.
I know, tell him about the time
you went to Canada.
Guys love adventure!
- Are you okay?
I thought I heard you talking to someone.
- Oh, yeah, I was just talking to...
myself.
It helps me pee.
[phone vibrating]
Uh, but it didn't work. I should go again.
This time I'll try singing.
- [panting, groans]
- ♪ Row-row-row your boat
♪ Gently down the stream
[phone vibrating]
- Leni, guess who's seated at the table next to mine?
Smoothie guy!
And he looks so cute and sensitive.
- Move to another table immediately.
- Focus on burger guy.
It didn't work with smoothie guy, remember?
Don't get sucked back into that blender.
- Thanks, guys. - ♪ Life is but a dream
[toilet flushes]
[phone vibrating]
You know what we need? Snacks!
Don't get up, your nails are wet.
[gasps] Smoothie guy sent you
some chili fries, and now burger guy
is going over there to confront him?
[phone vibrating]
Whoops, this isn't the kitchen.
[dramatic music]
- [groans]
[whining] - What?
Now burger guy and smoothie guy are hanging out
without you? - Leni?
Are you in here again?
My brother really needs to pee.
- Sorry, I'll-- I'll be right out!
Just washing my hands.
I'm really sorry, guys, I have to go.
- Oh, I guess your other friends
are more important than my life.
- Fiona, it's not like that.
- O-M-gosh, are you talking
to your work friends right now?
- [shrill scream]
- Leni, are you okay?
[faucet squeaks]
- [yelps] I'm so sorry!
I--I'll clean it up. - Don't bother.
Mandee will help me.
We won't take up any more of your time.
- Yeah, neither will we.
[dial tone]
[downtrodden music]
[door opens]
- [sighing repeatedly]
- [scoffs] Leni, your sighing
is literally ruining my texting.
What's wrong? - I don't know what to do.
I feel torn between two groups of friends.
How do I make them both happy? - [clears throat]
- [scoffs] Lincoln, what do you want?
- I think I know how to help Leni.
When I started hanging out with Rusty and Zach
Clyde and Liam felt left out,
so I invited everyone to hang out together
and now we're all BFFs.
- So, you're saying my friends should hang out
with your friends? - No.
Bring your friends together.
- Huh. That is surprisingly
mature advice for an 11-year-old.
- Thank you. Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to go write my name on my new Ace Savvy underwear.
[underwear stretches, snaps]
- I literally take that back.
[bouncy music]
- We're gonna have so much fun tonight.
I planned a bunch of stuff for us to do.
- Yogurt-covered pretzels?
[gasps] And "16 1/2 Magazine."
My favorites. - Ooh, sparkly water!
Eww, who drinks "pomelo" flavor?
[doorbell rings]
- Oh, good, the other guests are here.
And I got your favorite drink.:
- Oh, I didn't realize this was a "party" party.
- It's just the five of us.
I can't wait for you guys to get to know each other.
I thought we could play a getting-to-know-you game.
On each card is a fun fact about someone in this room.
Your job is to guess who.
Miguel, you can go first.
- "I like pumpkin spice lattes."
I'm gonna guess Mandee. - [gasps]
You're right. How'd you know?
- [disparaging laugh] If your name's Mandee,
liking pumpkin spice lattes is pretty much
your entire brand.
- Wow, you guys know each other so well already.
Jackie, your turn.
- "I have a winning smile."
[giggles] Well, that must be
about Mandee. - Actually,
it was about Miguel.
- Hmm, I don't see it.
- I'm done with this game. - Huh, which card says,
"I'm a quitter"?
- Uh, why don't we try something else?
Okay, I'll go first.
Right foot apple.
Mandee, why don't you go next?
- Leni knows I'm good at this game.
Oh, left foot pineapple.
- I'm pretty good at it, too.
I'm a part-time yoga instructor, so...
Right foot grape.
Leni, I didn't tell you.
Yesterday, I had to deal with a total Penny.
- Oh, no, that's awful.
A "Penny" is what we call someone
who tries using an expired coupon.
- You kind of have to work with us to get it.
- Leni, did you see
Rashida's prom-posal to Brandon?
It was so addy-addy-bing-bang.
- That's our friend word for "adorable."
- You kind of have to go to school with us
to get it.
- Leni, I mean to thank you for helping me get through
that awful 12-hour sale.
I was thinking about how working together
is pretty much the deepest bond there is.
- Really?
'Cause I was thinking that true friendship
isn't something you can find on a rack.
[combative music]
- [gasps] My pomelo!
- My bag! - It was an accident.
I'm sorry I'm not a part-time yoga instructor.
- Leni, this was a terrible idea.
Why did you want us to hang out with them?
- Well, believe me, we didn't want to hang out with you.
- [huffs] We're leaving.
- Don't bother, we're leaving.
[all grunting]
- Guys, wait!
We didn't get to eat
the "New Best Friends" cake I baked.
- Sorry, Leni.
And by the way, Miguel,
everyone likes pumpkin spice.
Except maybe stuck-up part-time yoga instructors.
- [gasps]
[tense music]
- Wow, poor Leni.
She's literally bending over backwards
for her friends. - [groans]
[yelps]
- [groans] These clothes will go out
of style before I get to try them on.
- Oh, it's you.
Ugh. - Didn't Leni tell you
that fuchsia was last season's color?
- Mm, guess she didn't tell you
that you can't pull off those jeans.
- [horrified gasp] - That's it.
Leni, come out. You have to choose.
Either them or us.
Oops. [awkward laugh]
My bad.
Wait, isn't Leni with you guys?
- We thought she was with you.
[gasps] Is she blowing us all off?
- On this week's episode of "Best Friends Forever,"
Kurt is torn between suede fringe
and classic pinstripe. - Luckily, my best friends
are here to help me choose the perfect vest.
- [weeping]
[phone ringing]
Hello? - Leni, what the heck?
Where are you? - Oh, hey.
How's the pop-up sale? - Never mind that.
You ditched us.
Do you have another group of friends we don't know about?
- I'm sorry.
I knew that no matter who I went to the sale with
I'd be upsetting someone, so I decided to stay home.
I'll let you guys go.
I don't want to ruin your day.
- Wow.
Leni missed her favorite sale because of us.
- Ugh.
We are the worst.
- Leni, we need to talk to you. - We overheard your phone call
and we're worried about you.
It's not your fault if your friends
can't get along. - It's not?
- No, and if they can't hang out together,
they'll just have to learn to share you.
- You know what? You're right.
- Now you march over to the store and tell hem
that they're gonna have to grow up.
- Yeah, I will do that!
[rousing music]
Oh, you're here. Well, good.
There's something I have to say to you.
- Actually, there's something we have to say to you.
- No, me first.
If you can't share the store, then you're going to have
to march over to the room and grow me up.
Wait, that's not right.
Dang it, I was gonna practice this on the bus.
- Leni, never mind that.
We came to apologize.
- We've been acting like total jerks.
I'm sorry we got so jealous.
- Even if the four of us aren't gonna be besties,
we can at least try to get along.
- 'Cause the last thing any of us want is to lose you
as a friend. - Aww.
That's supes sweet.
Thanks, you guys.
Hey, do you want to come in?
I was just watching "Best Friends Forever."
both: I love that show!
- [laughing] R--right?
I mean, how could you go wrong?
- That vest is so addy-addy-bing-bang
- Hey, this pomelo's really tasty.
Good call, Miguel.
[cheerful music]
[radical rock music]
♪
- [yells]
[sniffs] Do I smell cookies?
- Yeah, but don't waste your time.
They're "not for family."
[lighthearted music]
- Hey, Stinkin', think fast.
[munching] - Lynn!
- It's okay, we needed a taste-tester.
I'm worried the bottoms are soggy.
- Nope, nice crunch.
What are they for? - Clyde and I have
middle-school orientation tomorrow.
- [splutters] You guys are coming
to my school? - Yeah!
We got assigned an 8th grade buddy
who's gonna take us around and show us
what the next three years of our lives will be like.
- And we want to make a good impression,
so we're coming prepared.
Designed these ourselves.
- "Clincoln McCloud- BFFs."
Cookies and business cards?
That's your plan? - I'm also planning
to use word association to learn everyone's names.
Like, "Lynn once bruised
my shin."
- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait, time out.
This stuff might fly in elementary school, okay?
But middle school is different.
It's the jungle.
If you walk in there looking like a couple
of weak chumps, you'll get eaten alive.
[jaguar growls]
both: Eaten alive?
- Does that mean we should reconsider
wearing matching turtlenecks? - Ugh.
- Don't worry, LJ's got your back.
- [garbled voice] - Yo, Principal Ramirez.
Lynn Loud. Hey, listen, who can I talk to
about becoming an orientation buddy?
- Psst, don't throw out those business cards.
They might still work for high school.
[dramatic musical flourish]
[peppy music]
[indistinct chatter] Lincoln!
Check out those columns!
Do you think they're real marble?
- Probably.
This place is so much bigger than our school.
Good thing they gave us maps.
- Huh?
Guys, guys, guys, ditch the maps.
First rule of survival:
Don't act like a total noob.
- But we are noobs.
- Yeah, and if some upperclassman realizes that,
you'll be a prime target for pranks.
Like the kid who asked an eighth grader for directions
on the first day of school.
The poor fool got sent on a wild-goose-chase
down in the tunnels under the school
and didn't make it out until the whole day was over.
[ominous music]
[both gasp]
both: Don't... be... noobs.
[bell rings]
- Okay, homeroom.
There are no assigned seats, so it's time
for rule number two: Don't get stuck with
a crummy desk.
Move out!
- Oh, sorry.
Please, it's all yours.
I'd pull out the chair for you, but...
[clears throat] It's attached.
- Wrong.
Hey, back off, pigtails.
My buddy saw this first.
[grunts] Boom, dominant.
Nobody's messing with that.
Hah. - Uh, wasn't that
a little aggressive? - [grunts]
Not if you don't want to end up like the kid
who got stuck with the worst desk in the room.
[ominous music]
[cruel laughter]
This one kid thought she had the perfect desk,
but ended up getting stuck in it so tight
that they had to call the school cook.
- Sorry, kid.
We're gonna have to grease you out.
You got any nut allergies?
[menacing laughter]
both: Don't get stuck with crummy desks.
- Okay, next is Bio.
Suit up. - Cool!
I've always wanted to wear a lab coat.
- Welcome, fifth graders.
We are continuing our work with live mealworms today,
so everyone grab a case from the back of the class.
- [grunts]
[all screaming]
- Sorry, guys!
That was my fault.
I was up late making... - [hollering]
- Lynn, what the heck?
- Rule number three: Never own up
to making a mistake. - But I spilled the worms.
- So? Do you want to be like
the sixth grader who--hang on, Clyde needs to hear this, too.
- [whimpering]
- Do you want to be like the sixth-grader who owned up
to farting during a standardized test?
[ominous music]
- Hey, look, it's Farty McStink Pants!
both: Own up to nothing.
- [growling] - [laughs]
Loving the agro body language.
Here you go.
Double-meatball subs with extra sriracha.
- Thanks.
I'm normally not a hot sauce guy,
but after this morning I'm feeling dangerous.
[munching]
- Great, so my rules are sinking in?
- Yeah, some kid just came over
to ask if she could borrow a chair,
and guess what Clyde said?
- [deep voice] I don't think so, pal.
- Boom.
McBride for the win.
- So what are we doing after lunch?
- Well, actually, we orientation buddies
are supposed to let you guys fly solo for the rest
of the day.
See how you do on your own. - Really?
- Already? - Don't worry.
You guys totally got this.
Now, hands in.
Three, two, one...
all: Dominate! - Wow, Clyde,
your hands are so soft.
- Oh, thank you. - We'll work on that.
- First class of the afternoon:
"The Wonders of Watercolors."
- To the Art department!
Uh, which way is that again?
- Maybe if we just take a quick peek at the map...
- No! Lynn's first rule, remember?
Don't look like a noob. - Right.
[bell ringing]
- [both gasp]
[doors slamming]
- Oh, no, we're gonna be tardy!
- Hey, you guys lost?
- Nice try, bucko!
But we're not falling for one of your
upper classmen pranks.
[hyperventilating] - Way to dominate, Clyde.
"Bucko" was a nice touch. - Thanks.
My dads were watching a cop show last night.
[ambient music]
- This looks like the Art department.
Maybe this is the watercolor room.
[kids hollering]
- Are you kidding me? - Go away!
- Is this "The Wonders of Watercolors"?
- No, this is "Fun With Photography,"
and you just ruined a whole months' work.
I'll see you jerks after school.
Meet me on the blacktop at 3:00.
- You think she's inviting us to play a game of tetherball?
- No, that's where we fight.
[both swallow]
- Okay, so we ticked off one photo student,
but I'm sure we can smooth everything over
after school. - I'm already writing
the apology letter in my head. - Come on, let's grab a seat
Remember rule number two!
These look nice and sturdy. - Plus, we can make
great eye contact with the teacher from here.
- Oh. Hey, dudes.
Those are actually our seats.
- [clears throat] We saw them first, bud.
- Um, okay.
Well, seats are assigned,
and those are legitimately ours.
- Pssh, a likely story.
[bell ringing]
- Come on, man! - Byron, Cici,
what are you doing out of your seats?
I expect every student to be ready to work
when the bell rings.
You two just earned zeroes
for participation. [both gasp]
- Meet us on the blacktop at 3:00.
♪
- How come we have so many enemies?
We don't even go here yet. - Relax.
This is our last class of the day.
Let's just keep a low profile and try not to make
anyone else hate us. - Got it.
- Okay, people, I spent all morning
buffing the dumb floor for the PTA banquet
so no dodgeball today.
You're watching a movie instead.
[all cheering]
- Perfect.
There's no way we can mess this up.
[shoes squeaking]
[both shout, grunt]
- [gasps] - [screams]
[metal clattering]
- Who's responsible for this?
- Remember rule number three:
never own up to making a mistake.
- Well, since no one's fessin' to the messin',
you can forget that movie.
You're all cleaning up instead.
[crash]
[all groan]
- [angry muttering] - Don't feel bad, buddy.
If we admitted it was us, we'd be the next
Farty McStink Pants.
- It was you? You're making us clean?
- [angry exclamation] - You meet us
on the blacktop at... - Yeah, yeah, we know.
On the blacktop, 3:00.
♪
[bell ringing]
[tense music]
[birds cawing]
- Uh-oh.
♪
Guys, what's going on?
- Well, it's a long story, but I'm pretty sure it ends
with those kids kicking our butts.
- [munching]
- What the heck happened? - We tried following your rules
but people didn't think we're tough.
- They just think we're jerks,
and I'm not sure I disagree.
- Yeah, so thanks for the great advice.
- I'm sorry.
I was just trying to spare you guys
from what happened to me.
both: Huh? - Yeah, my first year
of middle school was a real horror story.
♪
Um, excuse me, could you tell me
how to get to the gym?
- Oh, sure, it's really easy.
Just head down those stairs over there.
[both laughing]
- So that story you told us
was about you? - Yep.
[sighs] They were all me.
[children laughing]
all chanting: Farty pants! Farty pants!
- I finally figured out that if I acted tough,
people would stop messing with me,
and since it worked for me I thought it could help
protect you guys, too.
- Wow, I had no idea you went through all that.
- Me neither, and it was nice of you
to try and help us, even though it's gonna lead
to a lot of pain.
[whimpers] - No, it's not,
because I'm gonna take the heat for you guys.
both: No, no, no! - We have to go.
- Some of those kids might still be here next year.
They're gonna think we're wimps who let other people
fight our battles. - Though, when you think
about it, would that really be so bad?
Okay, okay.
[suspenseful Western music]
♪
[watch beeps]
[both shouting]
[both grunting]
- Ugh.
- [laughs weakly] I guess you guys don't have
to beat us up because apparently
we can do it ourselves.
[all laughing]
- Aww, we weren't really gonna beat you up.
We just wanted to make you sweat a little.
- Well, it worked.
This is my third shirt of the day.
[all laughing]
- Here, kid, you dropped your--
hey, are these snickerdoodles?
- Uh, yeah. Homemade.
Help yourself. [all munching]
- Wow, these are good.
What's your name, again? - I'm Clyde McBride,
and this is Lincoln Loud.
We're also known as Clincoln McCloud.
"Clincoln McCloud, BFFs."
Wow, these cards are so dorky
they're actually cool.
- Hey, Lynn, is pit-stains your brother?
- Uh, yeah.
- He and his friend are all right.
- Yeah.
I guess they are after all.
- ♪ Cramped inside this tiny space ♪
♪ May sound bad but ain't the case ♪
♪ In the Loud house - ♪ Loud house
- ♪ Duck and dodge and push and shove ♪
♪ That's the way we show our love in the Loud house ♪
- ♪ Loud house
♪ Laundry piles stacked up high ♪
♪ Hand-me-downs that make me cry ♪
♪ Stand in line to take a pee ♪
♪ Never any privacy
♪ Chaos with 11 kids
♪ That's the way it always is ♪
♪ In the Loud house