The Loud House (2016–…): Season 2, Episode 21 - No Laughing Matter/No Spoilers - full transcript

- ♪ Crashing through
the crowded halls ♪

♪ Dodging girls
like Ping-Pong balls ♪

♪ Just to reach the bathroom
on time ♪

♪ Leaping over laundry piles

♪ Diapers you can smell
for miles ♪

♪ Guy's got to do
what he can to survive ♪

- ♪ In the Loud house

♪ In the Loud house

- ♪ Duck, dodge, push,
and shove ♪

♪ Is how we show our love

- ♪ In the Loud house,
in the Loud house ♪



- ♪ One boy and ten girls

♪ Wouldn't trade it
for the world ♪

- ♪ Loud Loud Loud

♪ Loud house

- Poo-poo.

[light music]

♪

- [yawns]

- Hey, Lincoln.
Want some punch?

- Sure!
[screams]

- [laughs]

If that joke knocked you out,

don't miss my performance
in the Junior Comedian's Contest

this Saturday
at the Chortle Portal.



It's sure to generate a lot of--

- Ah!
- Buzz!

Ha, ha, ha!

Did you guys hear
that the lipstick

and the eyeliner
got into a fight?

Don't worry.
They'll make up.

Ha, ha, ha!

Get it?

both: [sigh]

- Come see me perform

in the Junior Comedian's Contest
this Saturday.

It'll definitely leave you
feeling flush!

- [screams]

- Hey, Lisa.
What's 3.14159?

- Pfft, don't waste my time.
That's pi.

- Did you say pie?
[laughs]

I'll be serving up a big slice
of comedy at the Chortle Portal,

Saturday night!

Knock, knock!

- Who's there?

- Ivan.
- Ivan who?

- Ivan to suck your blood!
- [hisses]

Please don't touch Edwin.

- Oh, sorry.

I didn't mean to be
a pain in the neck!

Ha, ha, ha!

Hey, come see my act
at the Chortle Portal.

I promise it won't bite!

Ha, ha, ha!

[whoopee cushion farts]

Gas what?
You're invited too!

- Thank you all for coming
to my tea party.

Who would like
a finger sandwich?

- Finger sandwich?

I was hoping for toe-fu.

Har, har! Get it, toots?

Don't be a dummy.
Come to my show!

♪

- I got punched!
- I got flushed!

- I got pie'd!
- Toe-fu? Really?

- [sighs]

- Let me guess: Luan.

- Ugh, she said she had a "yoke"
that would "crack me up."

P.S. It didn't.

- I can't wait for her Chortle
Portal thing to be over.

She's been driving me nuts!

- Tell me about it.

It's not even funny.
It's just obnoxious!

- She's so annoying.

- I wish she would just stop.

- Yeah!
- Totes!

- So not cool!

♪

- [yawns]

Oh, boy.
Is that punch?

- Yep. Want some?

- Not this time.

[liquid pours]

Oh.

Thanks?

- Hey, guys.

Do you know what happened
to my hairbrush?

- I don't know, Luan.

What did happen
to your hairbrush?

- Oh, never mind.
There it is.

- That was totally weird, dudes.

- I know!
She didn't even do this.

- [screams]

- Ch-yeah! I solved it!

I do not know why Pythagoras
couldn't hack this one.

It's a piece of cake!

- Did you just say
piece of cake?

- Oh, boy.

Here comes
the dessert projectile!

- 'Cause it looks
really hard to me.

Congratulations.

- Felicitations
instead of frosting?

I don't understand.

- Knock, knock.

both: Who's there?

- Me. I need to borrow a dollar.

both: "Me, I need to borrow
a dollar" who?

- Fine, if you're not
gonna help me,

I'll just go ask Lola.

Hey, Lola.
Can I borrow a dollar?

- Oh, ha-ha.
I get it.

Doll-ar.

Very funny.

Oh. You actually want a dollar.

- Thanks.

- Okay, you guys.
Luan's been acting really weird.

She just asked me for money

but didn't make any joke
or pun about it.

- Oh?
She didn't pull out any cheddar?

Or lettuce?
Or bread?

Whoa, that is weird.

- Come to think of it,

she missed
the perfect opportunity

to cake me.

- She knocked on my coffin

just to ask for a dollar.

- Maybe we should see
if she's okay.

- Or... maybe we should
just be grateful for the break.

I say we celebrate.

- Agreed.

We can finally enjoy pie

without having it propelled
into our faces.

Let's seize this opportunity.

all: [cheering]

- Trash call!

I'm coming in!

♪

Oh, Luan, you accidentally put
your flyers in the trash.

- No accident.

I'm not entering the contest.

In fact,
I'm out of the comedy game.

- What? Why would you give up
the thing you love most?

- Because I heard what you all
said about me the other day.

- Look, we didn't mean
that stuff.

We were just venting.

See, you've been so
in our faces lately.

I'm sure it's just because

you're getting ready
for your show.

- You don't have to make
excuses, Lincoln.

I get it.
I'm not funny.

I'm annoying.

In fact, while you've got
that trash bag...

joke notebooks, trash.

- No, Luan, you are funny!

We didn't mean--

- Whoopee cushions, trash.

It's okay, Lincoln.

You did me a favor.

If I'm annoying
to my own family,

think how annoying I'd be

to an audience
full of strangers.

- Wha?

- Thanks
for taking out the trash.

- Guys, put down the pie.

- Why? Is it going to explode?

- No, and it never will again.

Luan heard everything
we said about her,

and now she's giving up comedy!

- Wow, then her show
at the Chortle Portal

is gonna be really bad.

- No, she's not doing
the Chortle Portal!

all: [gasp]

- But that was a big deal
for her!

She wrote about it in her diary!

Probably!

- We have to convince her
to do the show!

- We've got until
tomorrow night.

We can come up with something.

- Already did.

Guys, huddle up.

- [whistling]

Uh-oh!
I dropped my banana peel.

I wouldn't want anyone
to slip on it!

- Maybe then pick it up.

- Hey, Luan!

I just made six cream pies,

but I can't think
of what to do with them.

- I don't know.

You could eat two, I guess,

and then give the rest
to charity.

- Man, I've been practicing
my rim shots all day!

If only I had a reason
to bust one out.

- Well, good luck with that.

- Gee, Leni.
It sure is wet outside.

- How wet is it?

- I don't know.
Luan, how wet is it?

- Pretty wet,
but I think it's clearing up.

- Okay, everyone.

Clearly, the joke setups
are not working.

- I know! I'm pitching her
the sweetest meatballs,

and she's not even swinging!

- Don't worry.
I have another plan.

We're gonna skip the jokes
and go straight to the laughs.

- What does that mean?

- All homers and no pitches.

- I like it.

all: [cheering]

- That looks gross.

- [spits, laughs]

Oh, my gosh, Luan!

Zing!
[laughs]

- Hey. What're you watching?

- [spits]

Oh, my gosh, Luan!

Oh, wow.
You are hilarious.

♪

- Are you gonna be
done in here soon?

- [spits, laughs]
Dude!

Done in here soon!

Too much, man!

♪

- All right.
Everyone out here.

Now.

I see what you guys are doing,

and it's not going to work.

I'm done with comedy.

- [spits]
Done with comedy!

Ha! Classic Luan.

- Leni, knock it off!

- Who's there?

- [growls]

- We can't give up!

- [spits]
Can't give up!

Too funny!

You guys, this is so much fun.

[foreheads slap]

- Guys!
I think I've got the answer.

- No need, Lisa beat you to it.

- I've calibrated
my time machine

to send us back two minutes

before Luan overheard us
criticizing her.

- That is pretty good.

- Small disclaimer:

the journey may result

in our butts being in front.

- Lincoln, what's your plan?

- Well, we can't convince Luan
she's funny, right?

But what if an audience can?

- How's that gonna happen, dude?

- Leave it to me.

You just make sure

she's at the Chortle Portal

at 8:00.

- Can you still put
my butt in front?

- Thanks for coming
with us, Luan.

- Sure.
Just because I'm not funny

doesn't mean I can't enjoy
someone else's comedy.

Wait, does it?

- Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome
to Junior Comedian's Night!

Please give a hearty
Chortle Portal welcome

to our first comedian,
Lincoln Loud!

[cheers and applause]
- Lincoln?

And what's he doing
with my joke notebooks?

- [clears throat]

Hello, Royal Woods.

So, did you hear
that the lipstick

and the eyeliner
got into a fight?

Because seven ate nine!

- [gasps]
That's the wrong punch line!

- Never mind, here's one I know
you're gonna love.

Why did the chickpea
cross the road?

Wait, that doesn't make sense.

Oh! Chicken!

This writing is
really hard to read.

Why did the students
eat their homework?

Because their teacher said
it would be a piece of pie!

♪

- No, no, no!

The punch line is
"piece of cake"!

[laughter]

Oh. [chuckles]

His delivery was
a little crummy.

[laughter]

But don't worry,
things are about to get batter.

[laughter]

Did you hear about the race

between the lettuce
and the tomato?

The lettuce was a head,

but the tomato was
trying to ketchup!

[laughter]

Why couldn't Timmy
ride a bicycle?

Because Timmy was a goldfish!

- There she is!

The winner of
the Junior Comedian's Contest!

- Oh, I owe it all to you guys.

Lincoln, thanks for stinking on
purpose so I'd get up on stage.

- Uh... yes.
On purpose.

Of course.

- We think you're really funny,

and we're proud of you.

We're sorry we said

that harsh stuff about you.

- Thanks. That means a lot.

And I know I can be
a little bit much sometimes.

I'll try to tone it down.

- Whoops!

- Mm...

- Go ahead, you can say it.

- Your breakfast is toast!

And that's no yoking matter.

If you scramble,
you can make another!

- It's good to have you back.

- Hey, why are you heading
for the egg-sit?

I'm bacon you to come back!

[laughs]

I crack myself up.
[laughs]

[rock music]

♪

[eyes tinkling]

- [gasps]
O-M-Gosh!

What does that mean?

- Okay, Leni should be
occupied for a while.

I told her she can communicate
with Cliff by blinking.

- I call this meeting to order!

- We've tried throwing a few
surprise parties in this family,

but it's always gone wrong.

And we all know why.

Or should I say, who.

- Okay, she's coming.

Everyone hide.

- Leni, what are you doing?

- Shh! I'm hiding
for your surprise party.

all: [groaning]

- Siblings, I am perplexed

as to why have I just received
an invitation

to my own
surprise birthday party?

- Oh! I sent that.

I wanted to make sure
you'd be there.

all: [groan]

- Luna, should I wear
the pink or blue dress

to your surprise party?

- Dude.
- What?

- I pink you just blue
the surprise!

Ha, ha, ha!
Get it?

But seriously, you ruined it.

- Well, this year, we want to
throw a surprise party for Mom,

which means,
as much as we love her,

we have to keep Leni out of it.

- Okay, guys.
Let me break it down for you.

I'll do the cleaning.
Lola and Lynn are on food.

Lana and Lucy will do
the decorations.

Luan and Luna will handle
entertainment.

Lisa will be in charge
of the guest list.

And Dad will get Mom
out of the house.

- What about me?
What's my job?

- You have the most important
job of all.

You have to keep Leni distracted
till Mom comes home.

If she's coming our way,
just yell a code word.

Let's make it daffodil.

- Uh, can't it be
something cooler?

Like serpent or quasar or--

all: [scream]

- [screams]

Is this how
we're saying hello now?

I like it!
Don't mind me.

Just getting my polish.

Cliff blinked
that he wants me

to do his nails.

Oh, by the way.

While I have you guys,
it's Mom's birthday today!

I was thinking
we should throw her

one of our famous
Loud family surprise parties.

If everyone agrees,
I'll go tell her right now!

- Uh, actually, I don't think
Mom wants a party this year.

Let's just keep it low-key.

- Yeah, totes.
- Definitely.

- Uh, hey, Leni,
while you're here,

I have some urgent
fashion questions for you.

- Lincoln, all fashion questions
are urgent.

- Okay, kids!
We're leaving now.

I'm taking your mother shopping
because I love to shop!

[whoosh]

- We should stop including Dad

in the surprise party
planning too.

- And this is plaid.

- So, um, is there a difference
between plaid and checkers?

- Huge difference!

But to really help
you understand,

I should go get some samples
from downstairs.

- No! I mean, I have
a more important question.

Is it ever okay to wear jorts?

- O-M-Gosh, Lincoln!

We need to go back
to square one.

- [sighs]
Ah!

- I need to hydrate
before we start.

- Tulip! I mean daisy!

The heck was that word?

♪

- Ah!
[alarm rings]

- Ooh, sorry, guys.

Must've been something I ate.

Hey, guys!
both: [scream]

- Oh, right.
I forgot our new greeting.

[screams]

Ooh, Lola, your cake chair
just gave me an idea.

Even if we're not
throwing Mom a party,

maybe we should make
her favorite cake.

- You heard what Lori said.

We're keeping it low-key.

- Daffodil!
[breathes heavily]

- You're not ready
for floral prints, Lincoln.

Well, that covers everything.

- Literally.

- I'm gonna go gossip
with Cliff.

- Wait!

Uh, hey, you're always
looking for a dress model.

Well, I'm your guy!

- [gasps]

- My sisters owe me big time.
- What was that?

- Uh, I said, I think
we need to redo the hemline.

- Keep it down, guys.

Leni will hear.

[toes tinkling]

- Ah! Oof!
[cymbal crashes]

- What was that?
- Nothing.

I didn't hear Luna
drop her cymbals.

I mean, uh--[gasps]

♪

Luna, you gotta--
oof--

[yelling]

Oof! Oof! Oof!

Daffodil...

- Lincoln, you need to get
your proverbial act together.

- Yeah,
we'll never get this done

if we have to keep
starting over.

- Are you okay, Lincoln?

If you want to jump down
the stairs,

I have just the thing:
parachute pants!

Oh, Lana, those popped balloons
on your hat

just gave me an idea.

I know we're not having a party,

but shouldn't we at least do

a little decorating
for Mom's birthday?

- To repeat, keeping it low-key.

- But you know
what we could use?

A great card!

Maybe one with a camel...

in a space suit...
that's also scratch-and-sniff...

and that says,

"Happy birthday
from your 11 kids!"

- Adorbs!

But where would I find one?

- The Hazeltucky Party Outlet!

- Hmm, that's, like,
three bus rides away.

But it's for Mom,
and she's totes worth it.

Bye!

- Nice thinking, big brother!

- Can someone help me
with the streamers?

all: [gasp]
- Ah.

- I forgot my shoes!

Oh, wait, no, I didn't.

Kay, bye!

all: [exhale]

- Okay,
we lost some valuable time,

but we can still do this.

Everyone back to work!

♪

- Dang it.
I'm out of balloons.

Ooh! I know!
My emergency stash of ABC gum!

[gum snaps]

[light music]

♪

- [screams]

Still not hot enough.

- [hyperventilating]

Mm, still not sweet enough.

♪

[doorbell rings]

- The guests have arrived.

[lips smacking]
- How do!

Flip has a policy
of never showing up

empty-handed, so here!

- Expired milk?

Gee, how thoughtful.

- You're welcome![burps]

- Eh, someone turn on
the boob tube.

Ooh! Color. Fancy.

- Dr. Feinstein, greetings.

- How in the world
did you come up

with this abysmal guest list?

- According to my algorithm,

the people Mother encounters
most are:

her employer,
our cantankerous neighbor,

and the owner
of our local convenience store.

- Just because
she encounters them

doesn't mean she likes them.

- Well, just because
she uses toilet paper

doesn't mean she'll find it
a suitable party decoration.

- Ugh, I told you
we should've just stuck

with my brown balloons.

- Yeah, because everyone wants
their party to look

like Cliff's litter box.

- Hey, guys, I got
some great jokes for the party!

[clears throat]
Boy, Mom is so old,

her social security number is 1!

I would have invited guests
from Mom's first birthday party,

but they're all extinct.

- I don't think
Mom wants to hear jokes

about how old she is.

- Boss man's got a point, dude.

Why don't we just stick
to my jams

for the entertainment?

[screams indistinctly]

♪

[cord unplugs]

- Um, Mom is going to hate that!

It'll make her ears bleed!

- Right after her teeth fall out
from eating your cake!

- [screams]

[gurgling]

[spits]

- Lynn, what did you put
in that sub?

You're going to burn off
Mom's taste buds!

- Don't criticize my job
when you could barely do yours.

[all shouting indistinctly]

- [whistles]

Guys, stop arguing!

You're missing
the bigger picture.

This party literally stinks.

- You're right.
- Look at this mess.

[indistinct muttering]

- I don't get it.
Where did we go wrong?

We've never thrown
a bad party before.

- Are we missing something?

- Yeah, a decent sports package!

- [gasps]
It's Leni!

She may spoil all the surprises,

but she's the only one who knows
how to throw a good party.

- Lincoln's right.

Leni actually thinks about
what people like.

- We need to call her
and get her back here right now.

[cell phone chirping]
- Ooh! A musical card.

[chirping continues]

Eh, I don't think
Mom would be into that.

I like it, though.
I should make it my ringtone.

- She's not answering.

- We have to go get her.

- [snoring]

- Sorry, gentlemen.
The soiree has concluded.

- Hold up there, four-eyes!

Flip also has a policy of never
leaving a party empty-handed.

Heh, heh, heh!
Okay, let's go.

Come on, move it or lose it.

- I guess we really blew it.

We couldn't find Leni,

and now we can't
give Mom a decent--

- Surprise!
[cheesy brass music plays]

Oh, it's you guys.

Hurry up and hide.

Mom will be home any minute.

- Leni, what's going on?

- Don't be mad.

I know you wanted to go low-key,

but I found all this great stuff
at the store,

and I decided
maybe we should go high-key.

Doesn't Mom totally deserve it?

Plus, I found that card
you wanted me to get.

It is totes cute.

And it's
a scratch-and-sniff too!

- [sniffs]
Ugh. Camel!

- Give me that![sniffs]

- I guess I'll put my key in
and open the front door now!

- [gasps]
Mom's here!

♪

all: Surprise!

- [gasps]
Oh, my goodness!

- Happy birthday, Mom!

- Oh, kids, you've really
outdone yourselves.

Look at these decorations!

You remembered
violet is my favorite color.

And do I smell pad thai?

- Yep, and German chocolate
cake for dessert.

- Thank you so much, kids.

This is the perfect party.

- Actually,
you should thank Leni.

We tried to do this without her,

but it was a disaster.

- What do you mean,
you tried to do it without me?

- Uh, yeah.

We're sorry, Leni.

We were afraid
you'd spoil the surprise.

We didn't realize
you're the only one of us

thoughtful enough to make
a party really special.

- In fact, from now on,

how would you like to be
our official party planner?

- Yay! Thanks, you guys.

You hear that, Dad?

I'm planning
your surprise party next.

But don't worry,
I'll send an invitation.

- ♪ Cramped inside
this tiny space ♪

♪ May sound bad
but ain't the case ♪

♪ In the Loud house
- ♪ Loud house

- ♪ Duck and dodge
and push and shove ♪

♪ That's the way we show
our love in the Loud house ♪

- ♪ Loud house

♪ Laundry piles
stacked up high ♪

♪ Hand-me-downs
that make me cry ♪

♪ Stand in line to take a pee

♪ Never any privacy

♪ Chaos with 11 kids

♪ That's the way
it always is ♪

♪ In the Loud house