The Loud House (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 8 - The Loud House - full transcript
Lincoln's sisters all want to use his new kiddie pool. / Lincoln tries to make Lily act just like him.
[upbeat music]
♪
- The key to the perfect
anniversary present for
your parents is simple,
know your audience.
And since my folks love
what I bring to the table,
I make them the same thing
every year:
this awesome coffee mug!
- Coffee mug?
I thought it was
a paperweight.
- Paperweight? That thing is
definitely a pencil holder.
- Negatory.
Clearly it's a bust of German
philosopher Immanuel Kant.
- I "Kant" even tell
what it is.
[laughs]
- Clearly no one can figure out
what that thing is.
No wonder Mom and Dad just
throw all your old gifts
in the attic.
all: [gasp]
- What?
Lola must've been
messing around with me.
Mom and Dad love
my paperweights.
I mean, coffee mugs!
What's this?
Do not open. Okay.
[gasps]
It's true.
Mom and Dad do hate my gifts!
- If you turn your head
to the side and squint,
it almost looks like
Aunt Shirley.
[scream]
- Or an inflamed liver.
- When he's this pathetic,
it takes all the joy out of
making fun of him.
- I can hear you!
together: We know!
- Mom and Dad's anniversary is
tomorrow.
What am I gonna do?
[camera shutter clicks]
- Oh, I think
an idea's developing.
Aah!
I've figured out the perfect
present for Mom and Dad!
Ta-da!
- You're giving them
Dad's old camera?
- Wow, you are cheap.
- No, not the camera!
A photograph of all of us!
- Why use that old thing when
you can just use a cell phone?
- Because that would be like
painting the "Mona Lisa"
with a crayon.
- Wow, this may be the year
you don't fail miserably
and crush
Mom and Dad's souls.
- Thank you for
the vote of confidence.
Everyone to the backyard!
Okay, that's it.
Leni, scooch to the left.
- Your other left.
- [giggles]
- Perfect.
Someone grab Lily.
Thank you. Good.
Just gotta set the timer and...
everybody say cheese!
all: Chee...
- When is it gonna flash?
My jaw is cramping up!
all: eeeeee...
- Give it a second.
all: eeeee...
- Yeah, I knew he'd blow it.
Let's do selfies instead.
- Totes!
- No, wait--Doi!
- I "nose" just what this
picture needs!
[laughs]
- Come on, Luan, you can't
wear those in the photo.
- Oh, don't be such a Groucho!
[laughs]
- What this photo needs
are some tunes!
- No, no, no, no, no,
photographs don't have--
[loud chord]
- sound!
- You're ruining the picture!
Maybe you should take off
that gross hat!
- Maybe you should take off
that gross face!
[indistinct arguing]
- Lily! Where is your diaper?
Guys, please!
Can we all just settle down?
[camera shutter clicks]
- Look at us, we're like
a vision of insanity.
I can't give this to
Mom and Dad.
It's worse than Aunt Shirley.
Argh! I mean, my coffee mug!
I've got to give them
a better picture.
The perfect picture.
Time for a do-over.
- Mirror, mirror in my hand.
Who's the prettiest in the land?
- Not you, once Mudzilla
gets a hold of you!
[growls]
- Aah!
- [coughs]
Hey!
You washed off my mud!
Ha ha! You got spray--
- Perfect!
- Hey!
You washed off my makeup!
- Good news, guys. We're taking
another family picture.
both: But we already did one!
- Stay right here.
And no more mud or makeup.
both: What?
- Thank you
for understanding!
Look, I'm all about
self-expression,
but this new picture
needs to be perfect,
so I'm gonna need you
to keep your diaper on.
- [giggles and babbles]
- Thanks for understanding.
- Poo-poo!
[babbles]
- Let's just put a pin in this
for now.
- If the hypotenuse of
a right triangle is
the mean proportional
between segments, then--
- Hey, Lisa, we're doing
another family picture.
How about we lose the glasses
and do something with your hair?
[kazoo blurts]
[off-key guitar chord]
[horn blows]
[bell dings]
- Or just lose the glasses.
- But, Lincoln,
my astigmatism.
[crash, thudding]
- [groans]
- [glass shatters]
- It's okay!
It's just a hairline fracture.
- Did I hear we're taking
more photos? Yay!
Uh-oh. Guess we'll have to wait
till after this solar eclipse.
Whoa. You're like a wizard...
or a weatherman.
- Maybe you should wear these
for the picture, Leni.
They make you look, umm,
even smarter than
you already are.
- Wow! Thanks!
Aah!
[groans]
I'm all right!
I landed on Lisa!
- Okay, now it's a break.
- Okay, just stay here!
- But--
- Here's some ice packs!
And a bandage!
together: Okay, throw them!
- Okay, guys.
Time to take a new picture.
- A new picture? No way.
- Ya ready, Lynn?
Fetch, girl!
- [panting]
- Good, Lynn!
Now stay!
[upbeat music]
♪
- When did we get grass
in our bedroom?
- Time to take a new picture.
- Sweet!
Let me just grab my axe.
- And I'll get my funny nose
and glasses.
- Dudes! Where's my axe?
- And where are my glasses?
- Uh, silly props are not
going to be in this picture.
You'll get them back
after we get the shot.
- You took our stuff?
- Then we're not gonna be
in your picture!
- Hmm.
Sure would be a shame
if something happened
to your things.
- This picture thing has
changed you, dude.
- Which is exactly why
I'm not going to be in it.
- Which is exactly why I took
the liberty of replacing you.
- You what?
[doorbell rings]
- Oh, Lori, I believe you know
Carol Pingrey.
Didn't she beat you out for
homecoming queen?
- Let's get this over with.
- Okay, everyone excited?
So am I!
Ah! There you are!
You aren't getting
that diaper off now!
Okay, pets, move on in!
Okay! Almost there,
just a few more fixes.
Open up!
You, too.
together: You look thilly.
- Okay, give it here, girl.
- [growls]
- What?
- That hair.
- What about it?
But this hair
isn't me, dude!
- And this glasses isn't I,
either!
- Trust me!
You guys look great!
- Okay, Lucy.
I'm gonna need you to smile.
- I can't see that happening.
- I can't see anything
happening!
- Ya know, some folks think
taking someone's picture
actually steals their soul.
- Oh?
- Yeah! Just think of it.
Your soul
trapped and tormented
inside a camera
for all eternity.
[metal creaks]
- Close enough!
Okay, I think we're ready.
Hmm, still needs something
to pull it all together.
I know!
Now this is a perfect picture.
- What was wrong with
the other one?
- Oh, well, uh,
it was kind of...
You guys were a little, uh...
- A little what, Lincoln?
- Yourselves?
all: [grumbling]
- So that's what this
is all about.
You don't like us
the way we are.
- Well, I--you see, that is
to say, I, uh...
- Okay, guys, let's all
put on perfect smiles for
Lincoln's perfect picture,
because heaven forbid we be
our actual, literal selves!
together: Cheese.
- Lori,
I didn't mean--uh, um...
Actually,
that's pretty perfect.
[camera shutter clicks]
- Thanks so much, guys!
I really appreciate your--
Guys? Guys? Huh.
Guess they must've had
something else to do.
My days of giving lame
anniversary presents are over.
Mom and Dad are gonna love this!
Look at us. We're like
a vision of perfection.
- Mirror, mirror in my hand.
Who's the prettiest in the land?
- Not you, after
the mud monster gets you!
- [screams]
- Roar!
- Aah!
- Come back here!
- [screaming]
- [roaring]
- Hey, guys!
I got the picture framed.
both: [giggling]
- [blows raspberry]
both: [laughing]
[rock music]
- Computing of
the original formulation.
Okay, parameters--
both: [giggling]
all: [laughing]
together: Happy anniversary!
- Thanks, kids!
- Ooh, whose present
should we open first?
- Mine!
- Oh, come on, girls,
let's all let Lincoln give
his perfect little present.
- Yeah. I sure hope
it's perfect enough.
- Oh, Lincoln,
this is wonderful!
It's the best gift
we've ever gotten!
- It's going above
the mantle right now!
- Lincoln, you bonehead.
You gave them
the wrong picture.
- Yep! I knew
you'd blow this, too.
- No, I gave them
the right one.
The one that shows
the real you,
the perfect you.
together:
Aww, thank you, Lincoln!
- By the way,
you all might wanna put
your presents for Mom and Dad
in here.
Since they'll all look super
lame next to my awesome gift.
all: [grumbling]
- Just perfect.
- Poo-poo.
♪
- The key to the perfect
anniversary present for
your parents is simple,
know your audience.
And since my folks love
what I bring to the table,
I make them the same thing
every year:
this awesome coffee mug!
- Coffee mug?
I thought it was
a paperweight.
- Paperweight? That thing is
definitely a pencil holder.
- Negatory.
Clearly it's a bust of German
philosopher Immanuel Kant.
- I "Kant" even tell
what it is.
[laughs]
- Clearly no one can figure out
what that thing is.
No wonder Mom and Dad just
throw all your old gifts
in the attic.
all: [gasp]
- What?
Lola must've been
messing around with me.
Mom and Dad love
my paperweights.
I mean, coffee mugs!
What's this?
Do not open. Okay.
[gasps]
It's true.
Mom and Dad do hate my gifts!
- If you turn your head
to the side and squint,
it almost looks like
Aunt Shirley.
[scream]
- Or an inflamed liver.
- When he's this pathetic,
it takes all the joy out of
making fun of him.
- I can hear you!
together: We know!
- Mom and Dad's anniversary is
tomorrow.
What am I gonna do?
[camera shutter clicks]
- Oh, I think
an idea's developing.
Aah!
I've figured out the perfect
present for Mom and Dad!
Ta-da!
- You're giving them
Dad's old camera?
- Wow, you are cheap.
- No, not the camera!
A photograph of all of us!
- Why use that old thing when
you can just use a cell phone?
- Because that would be like
painting the "Mona Lisa"
with a crayon.
- Wow, this may be the year
you don't fail miserably
and crush
Mom and Dad's souls.
- Thank you for
the vote of confidence.
Everyone to the backyard!
Okay, that's it.
Leni, scooch to the left.
- Your other left.
- [giggles]
- Perfect.
Someone grab Lily.
Thank you. Good.
Just gotta set the timer and...
everybody say cheese!
all: Chee...
- When is it gonna flash?
My jaw is cramping up!
all: eeeeee...
- Give it a second.
all: eeeee...
- Yeah, I knew he'd blow it.
Let's do selfies instead.
- Totes!
- No, wait--Doi!
- I "nose" just what this
picture needs!
[laughs]
- Come on, Luan, you can't
wear those in the photo.
- Oh, don't be such a Groucho!
[laughs]
- What this photo needs
are some tunes!
- No, no, no, no, no,
photographs don't have--
[loud chord]
- sound!
- You're ruining the picture!
Maybe you should take off
that gross hat!
- Maybe you should take off
that gross face!
[indistinct arguing]
- Lily! Where is your diaper?
Guys, please!
Can we all just settle down?
[camera shutter clicks]
- Look at us, we're like
a vision of insanity.
I can't give this to
Mom and Dad.
It's worse than Aunt Shirley.
Argh! I mean, my coffee mug!
I've got to give them
a better picture.
The perfect picture.
Time for a do-over.
- Mirror, mirror in my hand.
Who's the prettiest in the land?
- Not you, once Mudzilla
gets a hold of you!
[growls]
- Aah!
- [coughs]
Hey!
You washed off my mud!
Ha ha! You got spray--
- Perfect!
- Hey!
You washed off my makeup!
- Good news, guys. We're taking
another family picture.
both: But we already did one!
- Stay right here.
And no more mud or makeup.
both: What?
- Thank you
for understanding!
Look, I'm all about
self-expression,
but this new picture
needs to be perfect,
so I'm gonna need you
to keep your diaper on.
- [giggles and babbles]
- Thanks for understanding.
- Poo-poo!
[babbles]
- Let's just put a pin in this
for now.
- If the hypotenuse of
a right triangle is
the mean proportional
between segments, then--
- Hey, Lisa, we're doing
another family picture.
How about we lose the glasses
and do something with your hair?
[kazoo blurts]
[off-key guitar chord]
[horn blows]
[bell dings]
- Or just lose the glasses.
- But, Lincoln,
my astigmatism.
[crash, thudding]
- [groans]
- [glass shatters]
- It's okay!
It's just a hairline fracture.
- Did I hear we're taking
more photos? Yay!
Uh-oh. Guess we'll have to wait
till after this solar eclipse.
Whoa. You're like a wizard...
or a weatherman.
- Maybe you should wear these
for the picture, Leni.
They make you look, umm,
even smarter than
you already are.
- Wow! Thanks!
Aah!
[groans]
I'm all right!
I landed on Lisa!
- Okay, now it's a break.
- Okay, just stay here!
- But--
- Here's some ice packs!
And a bandage!
together: Okay, throw them!
- Okay, guys.
Time to take a new picture.
- A new picture? No way.
- Ya ready, Lynn?
Fetch, girl!
- [panting]
- Good, Lynn!
Now stay!
[upbeat music]
♪
- When did we get grass
in our bedroom?
- Time to take a new picture.
- Sweet!
Let me just grab my axe.
- And I'll get my funny nose
and glasses.
- Dudes! Where's my axe?
- And where are my glasses?
- Uh, silly props are not
going to be in this picture.
You'll get them back
after we get the shot.
- You took our stuff?
- Then we're not gonna be
in your picture!
- Hmm.
Sure would be a shame
if something happened
to your things.
- This picture thing has
changed you, dude.
- Which is exactly why
I'm not going to be in it.
- Which is exactly why I took
the liberty of replacing you.
- You what?
[doorbell rings]
- Oh, Lori, I believe you know
Carol Pingrey.
Didn't she beat you out for
homecoming queen?
- Let's get this over with.
- Okay, everyone excited?
So am I!
Ah! There you are!
You aren't getting
that diaper off now!
Okay, pets, move on in!
Okay! Almost there,
just a few more fixes.
Open up!
You, too.
together: You look thilly.
- Okay, give it here, girl.
- [growls]
- What?
- That hair.
- What about it?
But this hair
isn't me, dude!
- And this glasses isn't I,
either!
- Trust me!
You guys look great!
- Okay, Lucy.
I'm gonna need you to smile.
- I can't see that happening.
- I can't see anything
happening!
- Ya know, some folks think
taking someone's picture
actually steals their soul.
- Oh?
- Yeah! Just think of it.
Your soul
trapped and tormented
inside a camera
for all eternity.
[metal creaks]
- Close enough!
Okay, I think we're ready.
Hmm, still needs something
to pull it all together.
I know!
Now this is a perfect picture.
- What was wrong with
the other one?
- Oh, well, uh,
it was kind of...
You guys were a little, uh...
- A little what, Lincoln?
- Yourselves?
all: [grumbling]
- So that's what this
is all about.
You don't like us
the way we are.
- Well, I--you see, that is
to say, I, uh...
- Okay, guys, let's all
put on perfect smiles for
Lincoln's perfect picture,
because heaven forbid we be
our actual, literal selves!
together: Cheese.
- Lori,
I didn't mean--uh, um...
Actually,
that's pretty perfect.
[camera shutter clicks]
- Thanks so much, guys!
I really appreciate your--
Guys? Guys? Huh.
Guess they must've had
something else to do.
My days of giving lame
anniversary presents are over.
Mom and Dad are gonna love this!
Look at us. We're like
a vision of perfection.
- Mirror, mirror in my hand.
Who's the prettiest in the land?
- Not you, after
the mud monster gets you!
- [screams]
- Roar!
- Aah!
- Come back here!
- [screaming]
- [roaring]
- Hey, guys!
I got the picture framed.
both: [giggling]
- [blows raspberry]
both: [laughing]
[rock music]
- Computing of
the original formulation.
Okay, parameters--
both: [giggling]
all: [laughing]
together: Happy anniversary!
- Thanks, kids!
- Ooh, whose present
should we open first?
- Mine!
- Oh, come on, girls,
let's all let Lincoln give
his perfect little present.
- Yeah. I sure hope
it's perfect enough.
- Oh, Lincoln,
this is wonderful!
It's the best gift
we've ever gotten!
- It's going above
the mantle right now!
- Lincoln, you bonehead.
You gave them
the wrong picture.
- Yep! I knew
you'd blow this, too.
- No, I gave them
the right one.
The one that shows
the real you,
the perfect you.
together:
Aww, thank you, Lincoln!
- By the way,
you all might wanna put
your presents for Mom and Dad
in here.
Since they'll all look super
lame next to my awesome gift.
all: [grumbling]
- Just perfect.
- Poo-poo.