The League of Gentlemen (1999–2017): Season 2, Episode 4 - Death in Royston Vasey - full transcript
Harvey and Val trick Benjamin into answering the door to the doctor by telling him that it is Nude Day but the doctor tells him it's on the fifteenth and wonders about the lad's sanity. Chinnery's efforts to control a flatulent dog lead to the animal exploding whilst Iris,angry at Judee Levinson's boasting about her life-style,reminds her that her daughter is in a psychiatric ward. Edward and Tubbs steal a Land Rover in order to find David a wife and Pop raises his tenants' rent by ninety pounds but gives them manure to burn to keep warm in the cold flat. Geoff,Mike and Brian are going to a business conference but get thrown out of Barbara's taxi and decide to travel cross-country,getting lost in the woods,where Mike is almost killed. Meanwhile the Red Cross arrive to take charge of the nose-bleed epidemic.
Please, Hilary, where are we going?
- There's going to be a delivery.
- A special delivery?
The Red Cross arrive in a few hours,
so I want to be in and out.
Sharpish.
(GRUFF MALE VOICE)
So you've got a big do on?
- Our annual conference, Barbara.
- Annual piss-up.
All the top brass from head office
come down for a bit of male bonding.
Maybe I should come with you.
Mind you, who'd want to bond with me?
I'm neither nowt nor summat.
You all right, Barbara?
You sound a bit down.
To tell you the truth, I'm on.
- What do you mean - on?
- Time of the month.
I woke up this morning
and me bed's like a butcher's slab.
Disgusting!
- Biologically, how can you...?
- God knows.
Maybe it's psychosomatic. All I know
is I'm back to where I started.
What? A fat hairy man in a dress?
Right. I've had enough of this!
Get out! You can bloody walk
to your conference.
Chauvinist pig!
- Well done, Geoff (!)
- It's not my fault!
As a woman, I could have you
under the Sex Discrimination Act!
As a woman, we could have you
under the Trades Descriptions Act!
Um, all right.
Who would win
out of "Alien" and "Species"?
Er...
- "Alien One"?
- Yeah.
- "Species. "
- Incorrect!
Alien could bleed acid onto Species
when Species is a naked woman.
That would be a video worth watching.
(HUMMING)
How are we doing for bags, dear?
Just a minute, dear. I'm in the book.
- You're having a look?
- No. I'm in the book.
- No need to be rude, dear.
- I'm not being rude, dear.
- You are rude, dear.
- I'm not.
Excuse me?
Just a minute, dear.
Is it two Ts in "cassette", dear?
- What's that? Two Ts?
- Yes.
- Right.
- Cassette.
What can I do for you, dear?
- I brought you some stuff.
- Lovely! Good stuff, is it?
A lot of it's new. Mainly baby stuff.
I just won't need it any more.
- What's that?
- A teddy.
It's a teddy, is it?
Yes. It's new.
I could have taken it back, but...
It needs a special mark on it
or we can't take it.
I don't know.
No. I can't take it
without a special mark.
- Special mark?
- Here we are, dear. Two teas.
- I didn't make you one.
- That's OK.
- What's that?
- A teddy.
- Has it got a special mark on it?
- No. I was just explaining.
- We can't take this.
- Why not?
It's not safe. All the safe ones
have got a special mark.
- It could have glass in it.
- Or sand, dear.
- A kiddie could die.
- It's a death-trap.
It wouldn't be right if we took it.
- I think the Spastics will have it.
- They'll take anything.
- Or Cancer. A few doors down.
- Right.
Oh! We'll keep the bag,
if we may, dear.
- It's a good bag.
- Plastic, is it?
Has it got a special mark on it?
- Special mark?
- Yes. Or we can't take it.
- You could kill a kiddie.
- Death-trap, is it?
- It hasn't got one.
- We can't take it. It's not safe.
Well, give it to the Spastics, then!
Ooh! Well, she's no need
to be so rude, has she, dear?
- No, dear. Two teas?
- Yeah. I'll get them.
You've got Ouse FM this afternoon,
then a press conference at the town hall.
This is Look North,
which is going out live, so...
Are you going to tell me
I can't swear?
You do have a bit of a reputation.
I won't turn the air blue, Murray.
Don't worry.
Now, where do I stand?
- You know we're going out live?
- Don't worry.
Thank you. I'm joined by the Mayor
of Royston Vasey, Larry Vaughn.
Mayor Vaughn, a lot of activity
in the town today.
Yes. It's a beautiful day.
The sun is shining.
It's a routine vaccination programme,
sort of having a flu jab.
Right. What about the nosebleeds?
(CROWD) Ah, the nosebleeds.
It's perfectly innocent. No need to panic.
- Mayor Vaughn, thank you.
- It's a fucking pleasure.
(ECSTATIC GROANING)
Hello, love. Is your mum in?
Ron, I'm nearly there!
Use me! Use me!
Would you tell her Mrs Levinson's here?
Yeah.
Mum!
Hello, Mrs Levinson.
I got your place all spick and span.
I wasn't expecting you back yet.
Obviously.
We were just doing some DIY.
Ron was filling a crack in the bedroom.
So I heard. The plane was early.
I thought I'd pop round for my keys.
Right. Come in. I'll put a brew on.
Behave!
Tanya, get down.
She's just had another litter.
- You or the dog?
- What?
Nothing.
So...
Is your Ricky out on parole yet?
Terrible business that.
Dropping cement blocks off the flyover.
It were never proved.
I'm sure your Ricky's blameless.
Eddy and I can't wait
to attend our Matthew's graduation.
He's done ever so well. A first.
I'm so proud.
Have you ever considered college
for your ten?
If I'd not had that still-birth,
we'd have had a football team, so...
I wonder if you'd come round this
afternoon and do a couple of hours?
I want the place clean,
what with this health scare.
Oh, yeah. I know what you mean.
I can see how hard it must be
with so many.
The mischief they get up to -
not just Ricky.
There was Damian and that toddler
in the quarry pond. Still...
You've got this place nice.
Yes, Mrs Levinson.
Hello? What's all this shouting?
We'll have no trouble here.
I'm writing a card for the shop window.
"Wanted. No-tail (a woman)
to marry our son David
"in the attic."
Show me.
Change that to "local no-tail".
(ROARING)
All right, David!
Dadda's coming!
Hello there.
Yes. Can I help you at all?
Do you know if there's a garage
anywhere? I ran out of petrol.
Pet-rol?
A litre should get me into town.
Oh! This is a local shop
for local people.
There's nothing for you here.
It is an emergency.
I'm delivering medical supplies.
You couldn't fill it up for me?
Oh, all right!
But I've only just gone this morning.
I'll try to find a garage.
If I could just...
Edward!
What's all this shouting?
We'll have no trouble here.
He's trying to grab my pet-rol!
He spoke of walking, but not on legs.
Of travelling, Edward, but not on legs.
- Well, I've got a car.
- Devil!
Propelled across the land
in a carriage of no horse drawn,
belching Satan's black wind
into our clean and local air.
This is a decent town and a local shop.
There's nothing for you here!
Fine. I'll be off.
Edward?
Don't worry, Tubbs. He won't get far!
Hello, Justin. How are you?
- All right.
- Alles klar.
Now, I've just been looking
at my pink pomphlet
and I see that this afternoon
we're going to be seeing some caves
in the lovely town of Royston Vasey,
which will be a real good treat.
But to make love with the boys
this morning,
I thought we could play football.
- Great. England versus Germany.
- Ja.
You could be the capital of Royston Vasey,
- and I'll be the queen of Duisberg.
- We can toss for sides.
- Oh?
- Heads or tails?
I'm easy, Justin.
I know which side I'm playing on.
OK. Do we have a Pam Doove next?
Or a Pamela Doove?
I'm Pam Doove.
- Hello. How are you?
- A bit nervous.
Don't worry.
- Is it Pam or Pamela?
- Pam, Pamela, whatever.
OK. Pamela. My name's Jed Hunter.
I'm directing this commercial.
- How much has your agent told you?
- Not very much.
OK. Don't worry about that.
Basically, we're looking for a fresh face
for Greenwood's orange juice.
We're in a newsagent's.
It's a beautiful day outside,
and a young girl - Pamela -
walks into the shop,
Iooks around a bit and says,
"Excuse me. Has anyone got a bottle
of orange juice??" And that's it.
Do you want movements within it?
No, no. She comes into the shop,
obviously,
she says, "Excuse me. Has anyone
got a bottle of orange juice??"
And that's it.
So if you wanted to give us that
in your own time, that'd be cool.
Do you think I could go out
and come back in again?
Whatever's good for you, Pamela.
Cool, cool, cool.
Eskewed beef!
Have anybody got any bokkle
orange joof?!
OK. Um...
I don't know what happened there,
Pamela. I lost the line.
- Really?
- Yeah. I think more diction.
Some of the words were...
"Excuse me. Has anyone
got a bottle of orange juice??"
- I'll go out and come back again.
- Yeah. Cool.
Eskewed beef! Haff anybody got
any bokkle orange joof?!
OK.
Again, I'm not getting the sense
of the line as written.
She's 24, she's walking
into a newsagent's and saying,
"Excuse me. Has anyone
got a bottle of orange juice??"
Just lighten her up a bit.
- Right.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Eskewed beef! Have anybody got
any bokkle orange joof?!
That too happy?
Do you get much work as an actress?
- No.
- No.
Uncle Harvey?
Auntie Val?
Hello, Benjamin.
Oh, God! Sorry.
Ah, Benjamin.
What's the matter?
Well, you're naked.
It's nothing to be ashamed of,
Benjamin.
In this house, the first Monday
of every month is Nude Day.
- Oh?
- Yes.
Yes. A day when we cast aside
the paraphernalia of the 21st century
and return to a simpler way of life,
closer to nature's intentions.
We've been to the supermarket,
the post office and the newsagent.
You've been wandering around like that?
We can't get the bus.
There's nowhere to put the change!
Well, I think I'll go out
and get some fresh air.
No, no, no, no, no.
As I say, today is Nude Day.
I don't understand.
Strip.
I'm sorry?
Take off your clothes.
We can't make any exceptions,
Benjamin.
Surely you remember the rhyme?
"On the first of the month,
we see clearly.
"To be clothed all the time
costs us dearly.
"So constricture away,
be happy and gay,
"Let your bum, balls and ninnies
swing freely."
No. I don't remember that one.
Oh, poor boy.
He's forgotten everything.
- Come along, Benjamin.
- Well, if you're sure.
Yes.
This is how we always do it.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Ah, get that for me, Benjamin.
Your uncle and I
have some things to attend to.
Just checking I've got enough vaccine.
I thought I'd give you your jabs
while I'm here.
Oh.
Benjamin!
What are you doing?
What is the meaning of this?
Butt-naked in the lobby of this house.
Doubtless you've been in the bathroom,
spraying your belly
with sticky white love piss.
- You said...
- Take the boy upstairs, Val.
I think you're right, Mr Denton.
The boy's obviously
in a state of some confusion.
Yes. Perhaps a strong sedative
of some kind.
Say, Chloromazapine 20 milligrams?
Extraordinary behaviour.
If it were your Nude Day
I could understand.
Exactly. But that doesn't fall
till the fifteenth.
Just tell him... Hello?
Just tell him the Royston Vasey
contingent will...
No. Royston Vasey.
We're so late now. We'll miss
the Plastics in the Millennium seminar.
And the cakes at the start.
- Do you know where we're going?
- Do bears shit in the woods?
No, but I might
if we don't get there soon.
We used to use a dock leaf in TAs.
- Have you got through?
- No. The battery's dead.
- Where the hell are we?
- I say we go back.
Everyone else is going to be there!
- Sshh!
- What?
Sshh!
(HE FARTS)
One nil!
Geoff, it's serious.
If we don't get to the conference...
We'll get there.
I know exactly where we are.
I was in the TAs.
That is north. That is magnetic north.
And just over this brow here
is our hotel.
Just across that river.
- I'm going back.
- We're in the middle of nowhere!
- What are we going to do? Swim?!
- Girls, girls, girls.
- I was in the TAs.
- So what?
I can get us across
in ten minutes flat.
We used to do it week in, week out.
- What about our suits?
- You won't get a splash on you.
Trust me.
It'll be fine.
Help me!
Help me, Mike! Help me!
Well, we're across.
Oh, there you are, Mrs Levinson.
Those sodding Germans woke me up, Iris.
I had to have a lie-down.
Marks & Spencer's wiped me out.
It's not what it used to be.
People use it like a supermarket.
- Really?
- Mind you, it's dear.
But isn't everything these days?
It must be hard for you, love.
I don't suppose you get much money
from Ron flogging roses
in the middle of the A54.
- We get by.
- Oh, I know.
But it's a bare kind of existence.
Then you have to come here
and see how Eddy and I enjoy life.
It must make you feel
like a little Rwandan
Iet loose in Harrod's Food Hall.
You're right, Mrs Levinson.
My little buggers eat me
out of house and home.
But at least they're not faddy.
It must have been hell,
that business with your Nicola.
(BALL BANGS)
Honestly! They'll have a window through!
Special plates, separate cutlery,
that fuss with rubber gloves.
I'll talk to their teacher.
Wouldn't have milk or bread,
- or go near a potato.
- Iris!
When she did eat, she couldn't keep it in.
We never knew
which end it'd come out of!
Do you remember that smell
in her bedroom?
Under the ceiling tiles, we found
them Morrison's bags full of sick.
Please!
In the psychiatric ward,
she has to eat what she's given,
seeing as it comes through a tube.
I'm going outside to have strong words
before there's an accident.
It's getting as bad as your estate.
I know, Mrs Levinson.
Must make you want to throw up.
I couldn't possibly, Mrs de Courcey.
Oh, but we insist.
A present for Uncle Vetty
from Bentley.
For all your kindnesses.
I'm ever so worried about him,
Mr Chinnery.
He's normally such a sprightly
little fellow, aren't you, darling?
Hello.
Hello, Bentley. Hmm.
(FART)
Please be gentle with him.
We haven't been firm enough
with Bentley.
What did he have for breakfast
this morning?
- Um... Winalot.
- And what else?
A little poached salmon.
Um...foie gras.
Sliced truffle.
(FARTING)
Remember what we talked about,
Mrs de Courcey?
Bentley's a dog. He's not a person.
- But...
- Look at his belly.
Distended with methane from the rich
rubbish you've been feeding him.
Oh, but he's so delicate.
He's not made of china.
I fear a serious bowel disorder
has been precipitated.
So I'm going to have to perform...
a rectal examination.
Oh! Oh, Bentley.
Oh, you brave little soldier.
There we go.
Poor little Bentley.
I think you'll find he's more robust
than you give him credit for.
(SQUELCHING)
Oh, dear.
That's it, Tubbs. Fill her up.
A little more.
All right. Stop.
Get in.
I don't know why we never
thought of this before.
If the no-tails won't come to us,
we must go to them.
We'll have a bride for David in no time.
Edward, how do I make it walk?
Patience, Tubbs, patience.
We must read the instructions
thoroughly.
(ENGINE REVS, GEARS CRUNCH)
We don't want anyone getting hurt.
OK. Who would win out of "Gandhi"
and "Sister Act 2: Back In The Habit"?
Um...
It's not too bad, love.
The lease is only for a year.
We've got our privacy.
That's the main thing.
Oh, good. You are at home.
I'm sure you don't mind a visit
from your landlord.
- What are you doing, Mr...?
- Call me Pop, Gary.
And you, Lynne, how are you, eh?
OK.
We're going to be good friends,
me and you, Lynne.
Good friends.
But now, my friends,
I bring gifts for you.
This is a custom from the old country
whenever you move to a new home.
A bull's heart
that you will always have strength.
A manure
that you will always be fertile.
This last, Gary, this is for you.
But now, my friends, I have bad news.
What is it?
It's my lawyers. They are vampyr.
They bleed me dry!
I say to them, I have a property
for a fine young couple.
They are not tenants to me.
They are like my children.
I want to give them a good start.
But the lawyers they say no.
Is business.
They want to put the rent up
by a hundred quid.
No!
But don't worry, Gary,
Pop stand up to them.
We do a deal.
So now is only ?90 more.
Oh, thanks!
But, hey, what am I thinking about?
This is your first week
in your new home.
There is no place for Pop here. I go.
I come back for the money
in the morning.
Oh, don't worry. I have my own key.
Oh. You are a lucky man, Gary.
A lucky, lucky man.
You look nervous, Samuel.
Of course I'm nervous.
It's this public health thing.
They're sniffing round.
- What if they find something?
- They'll find nothing.
Trust me.
I dealt with Maurice.
I can deal with this.
You dealt with Maurice?
I don't think we'll have any trouble
from our resident magistrate.
Can you be sure?
Fear is the best insurance
that money can buy.
Audrey's Pat has got a nosebleed,
and Denise from Thresher's,
and even Trevor
who fetches my coleslaw.
And you know Dan who works with me
in the sandwich shop?
She said they might be having
compulsory health inspections.
Do you want to carve, love?
All right, Brian?
I found a good splint.
- I'm going to tie it to your leg.
- Please don't, Geoff.
- Aagh!
- All right, all right.
I brought you some dock leaves
in case you want that bab.
Where's Mike?
He said he'd only be an hour.
Probably lost.
He can't read the land like I can.
I bet they don't find us for days.
- Oh, Christ!
- I'll look after you.
- I brought you some food.
- What is it?
Just eat them. They're good for you.
Are you not having any?
No. I've got this.
Found it in my pocket.
I wish I'd stayed in the TAs.
I was good at that.
I wanted to join the army.
They said I was too fat.
This job I'm doing now...
I'm no good at it. Mike hates me.
- That's not true, Geoff.
- It is!
And I bet I get blamed for all this.
Yeah, well, I'll show him.
If I can get us back to that hotel...
in front of that board,
hopefully with you still alive.
Maybe I'll have done something -
one thing to show them
what I'm capable of.
They know what you're capable of.
- Sshh!
- Oh, not again, Geoff.
(STICK CRACKS)
What was that?
It could be the enemy.
What enemy?
Aaaagh!
Who is it?
It's Mike.
- There's going to be a delivery.
- A special delivery?
The Red Cross arrive in a few hours,
so I want to be in and out.
Sharpish.
(GRUFF MALE VOICE)
So you've got a big do on?
- Our annual conference, Barbara.
- Annual piss-up.
All the top brass from head office
come down for a bit of male bonding.
Maybe I should come with you.
Mind you, who'd want to bond with me?
I'm neither nowt nor summat.
You all right, Barbara?
You sound a bit down.
To tell you the truth, I'm on.
- What do you mean - on?
- Time of the month.
I woke up this morning
and me bed's like a butcher's slab.
Disgusting!
- Biologically, how can you...?
- God knows.
Maybe it's psychosomatic. All I know
is I'm back to where I started.
What? A fat hairy man in a dress?
Right. I've had enough of this!
Get out! You can bloody walk
to your conference.
Chauvinist pig!
- Well done, Geoff (!)
- It's not my fault!
As a woman, I could have you
under the Sex Discrimination Act!
As a woman, we could have you
under the Trades Descriptions Act!
Um, all right.
Who would win
out of "Alien" and "Species"?
Er...
- "Alien One"?
- Yeah.
- "Species. "
- Incorrect!
Alien could bleed acid onto Species
when Species is a naked woman.
That would be a video worth watching.
(HUMMING)
How are we doing for bags, dear?
Just a minute, dear. I'm in the book.
- You're having a look?
- No. I'm in the book.
- No need to be rude, dear.
- I'm not being rude, dear.
- You are rude, dear.
- I'm not.
Excuse me?
Just a minute, dear.
Is it two Ts in "cassette", dear?
- What's that? Two Ts?
- Yes.
- Right.
- Cassette.
What can I do for you, dear?
- I brought you some stuff.
- Lovely! Good stuff, is it?
A lot of it's new. Mainly baby stuff.
I just won't need it any more.
- What's that?
- A teddy.
It's a teddy, is it?
Yes. It's new.
I could have taken it back, but...
It needs a special mark on it
or we can't take it.
I don't know.
No. I can't take it
without a special mark.
- Special mark?
- Here we are, dear. Two teas.
- I didn't make you one.
- That's OK.
- What's that?
- A teddy.
- Has it got a special mark on it?
- No. I was just explaining.
- We can't take this.
- Why not?
It's not safe. All the safe ones
have got a special mark.
- It could have glass in it.
- Or sand, dear.
- A kiddie could die.
- It's a death-trap.
It wouldn't be right if we took it.
- I think the Spastics will have it.
- They'll take anything.
- Or Cancer. A few doors down.
- Right.
Oh! We'll keep the bag,
if we may, dear.
- It's a good bag.
- Plastic, is it?
Has it got a special mark on it?
- Special mark?
- Yes. Or we can't take it.
- You could kill a kiddie.
- Death-trap, is it?
- It hasn't got one.
- We can't take it. It's not safe.
Well, give it to the Spastics, then!
Ooh! Well, she's no need
to be so rude, has she, dear?
- No, dear. Two teas?
- Yeah. I'll get them.
You've got Ouse FM this afternoon,
then a press conference at the town hall.
This is Look North,
which is going out live, so...
Are you going to tell me
I can't swear?
You do have a bit of a reputation.
I won't turn the air blue, Murray.
Don't worry.
Now, where do I stand?
- You know we're going out live?
- Don't worry.
Thank you. I'm joined by the Mayor
of Royston Vasey, Larry Vaughn.
Mayor Vaughn, a lot of activity
in the town today.
Yes. It's a beautiful day.
The sun is shining.
It's a routine vaccination programme,
sort of having a flu jab.
Right. What about the nosebleeds?
(CROWD) Ah, the nosebleeds.
It's perfectly innocent. No need to panic.
- Mayor Vaughn, thank you.
- It's a fucking pleasure.
(ECSTATIC GROANING)
Hello, love. Is your mum in?
Ron, I'm nearly there!
Use me! Use me!
Would you tell her Mrs Levinson's here?
Yeah.
Mum!
Hello, Mrs Levinson.
I got your place all spick and span.
I wasn't expecting you back yet.
Obviously.
We were just doing some DIY.
Ron was filling a crack in the bedroom.
So I heard. The plane was early.
I thought I'd pop round for my keys.
Right. Come in. I'll put a brew on.
Behave!
Tanya, get down.
She's just had another litter.
- You or the dog?
- What?
Nothing.
So...
Is your Ricky out on parole yet?
Terrible business that.
Dropping cement blocks off the flyover.
It were never proved.
I'm sure your Ricky's blameless.
Eddy and I can't wait
to attend our Matthew's graduation.
He's done ever so well. A first.
I'm so proud.
Have you ever considered college
for your ten?
If I'd not had that still-birth,
we'd have had a football team, so...
I wonder if you'd come round this
afternoon and do a couple of hours?
I want the place clean,
what with this health scare.
Oh, yeah. I know what you mean.
I can see how hard it must be
with so many.
The mischief they get up to -
not just Ricky.
There was Damian and that toddler
in the quarry pond. Still...
You've got this place nice.
Yes, Mrs Levinson.
Hello? What's all this shouting?
We'll have no trouble here.
I'm writing a card for the shop window.
"Wanted. No-tail (a woman)
to marry our son David
"in the attic."
Show me.
Change that to "local no-tail".
(ROARING)
All right, David!
Dadda's coming!
Hello there.
Yes. Can I help you at all?
Do you know if there's a garage
anywhere? I ran out of petrol.
Pet-rol?
A litre should get me into town.
Oh! This is a local shop
for local people.
There's nothing for you here.
It is an emergency.
I'm delivering medical supplies.
You couldn't fill it up for me?
Oh, all right!
But I've only just gone this morning.
I'll try to find a garage.
If I could just...
Edward!
What's all this shouting?
We'll have no trouble here.
He's trying to grab my pet-rol!
He spoke of walking, but not on legs.
Of travelling, Edward, but not on legs.
- Well, I've got a car.
- Devil!
Propelled across the land
in a carriage of no horse drawn,
belching Satan's black wind
into our clean and local air.
This is a decent town and a local shop.
There's nothing for you here!
Fine. I'll be off.
Edward?
Don't worry, Tubbs. He won't get far!
Hello, Justin. How are you?
- All right.
- Alles klar.
Now, I've just been looking
at my pink pomphlet
and I see that this afternoon
we're going to be seeing some caves
in the lovely town of Royston Vasey,
which will be a real good treat.
But to make love with the boys
this morning,
I thought we could play football.
- Great. England versus Germany.
- Ja.
You could be the capital of Royston Vasey,
- and I'll be the queen of Duisberg.
- We can toss for sides.
- Oh?
- Heads or tails?
I'm easy, Justin.
I know which side I'm playing on.
OK. Do we have a Pam Doove next?
Or a Pamela Doove?
I'm Pam Doove.
- Hello. How are you?
- A bit nervous.
Don't worry.
- Is it Pam or Pamela?
- Pam, Pamela, whatever.
OK. Pamela. My name's Jed Hunter.
I'm directing this commercial.
- How much has your agent told you?
- Not very much.
OK. Don't worry about that.
Basically, we're looking for a fresh face
for Greenwood's orange juice.
We're in a newsagent's.
It's a beautiful day outside,
and a young girl - Pamela -
walks into the shop,
Iooks around a bit and says,
"Excuse me. Has anyone got a bottle
of orange juice??" And that's it.
Do you want movements within it?
No, no. She comes into the shop,
obviously,
she says, "Excuse me. Has anyone
got a bottle of orange juice??"
And that's it.
So if you wanted to give us that
in your own time, that'd be cool.
Do you think I could go out
and come back in again?
Whatever's good for you, Pamela.
Cool, cool, cool.
Eskewed beef!
Have anybody got any bokkle
orange joof?!
OK. Um...
I don't know what happened there,
Pamela. I lost the line.
- Really?
- Yeah. I think more diction.
Some of the words were...
"Excuse me. Has anyone
got a bottle of orange juice??"
- I'll go out and come back again.
- Yeah. Cool.
Eskewed beef! Haff anybody got
any bokkle orange joof?!
OK.
Again, I'm not getting the sense
of the line as written.
She's 24, she's walking
into a newsagent's and saying,
"Excuse me. Has anyone
got a bottle of orange juice??"
Just lighten her up a bit.
- Right.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Eskewed beef! Have anybody got
any bokkle orange joof?!
That too happy?
Do you get much work as an actress?
- No.
- No.
Uncle Harvey?
Auntie Val?
Hello, Benjamin.
Oh, God! Sorry.
Ah, Benjamin.
What's the matter?
Well, you're naked.
It's nothing to be ashamed of,
Benjamin.
In this house, the first Monday
of every month is Nude Day.
- Oh?
- Yes.
Yes. A day when we cast aside
the paraphernalia of the 21st century
and return to a simpler way of life,
closer to nature's intentions.
We've been to the supermarket,
the post office and the newsagent.
You've been wandering around like that?
We can't get the bus.
There's nowhere to put the change!
Well, I think I'll go out
and get some fresh air.
No, no, no, no, no.
As I say, today is Nude Day.
I don't understand.
Strip.
I'm sorry?
Take off your clothes.
We can't make any exceptions,
Benjamin.
Surely you remember the rhyme?
"On the first of the month,
we see clearly.
"To be clothed all the time
costs us dearly.
"So constricture away,
be happy and gay,
"Let your bum, balls and ninnies
swing freely."
No. I don't remember that one.
Oh, poor boy.
He's forgotten everything.
- Come along, Benjamin.
- Well, if you're sure.
Yes.
This is how we always do it.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Ah, get that for me, Benjamin.
Your uncle and I
have some things to attend to.
Just checking I've got enough vaccine.
I thought I'd give you your jabs
while I'm here.
Oh.
Benjamin!
What are you doing?
What is the meaning of this?
Butt-naked in the lobby of this house.
Doubtless you've been in the bathroom,
spraying your belly
with sticky white love piss.
- You said...
- Take the boy upstairs, Val.
I think you're right, Mr Denton.
The boy's obviously
in a state of some confusion.
Yes. Perhaps a strong sedative
of some kind.
Say, Chloromazapine 20 milligrams?
Extraordinary behaviour.
If it were your Nude Day
I could understand.
Exactly. But that doesn't fall
till the fifteenth.
Just tell him... Hello?
Just tell him the Royston Vasey
contingent will...
No. Royston Vasey.
We're so late now. We'll miss
the Plastics in the Millennium seminar.
And the cakes at the start.
- Do you know where we're going?
- Do bears shit in the woods?
No, but I might
if we don't get there soon.
We used to use a dock leaf in TAs.
- Have you got through?
- No. The battery's dead.
- Where the hell are we?
- I say we go back.
Everyone else is going to be there!
- Sshh!
- What?
Sshh!
(HE FARTS)
One nil!
Geoff, it's serious.
If we don't get to the conference...
We'll get there.
I know exactly where we are.
I was in the TAs.
That is north. That is magnetic north.
And just over this brow here
is our hotel.
Just across that river.
- I'm going back.
- We're in the middle of nowhere!
- What are we going to do? Swim?!
- Girls, girls, girls.
- I was in the TAs.
- So what?
I can get us across
in ten minutes flat.
We used to do it week in, week out.
- What about our suits?
- You won't get a splash on you.
Trust me.
It'll be fine.
Help me!
Help me, Mike! Help me!
Well, we're across.
Oh, there you are, Mrs Levinson.
Those sodding Germans woke me up, Iris.
I had to have a lie-down.
Marks & Spencer's wiped me out.
It's not what it used to be.
People use it like a supermarket.
- Really?
- Mind you, it's dear.
But isn't everything these days?
It must be hard for you, love.
I don't suppose you get much money
from Ron flogging roses
in the middle of the A54.
- We get by.
- Oh, I know.
But it's a bare kind of existence.
Then you have to come here
and see how Eddy and I enjoy life.
It must make you feel
like a little Rwandan
Iet loose in Harrod's Food Hall.
You're right, Mrs Levinson.
My little buggers eat me
out of house and home.
But at least they're not faddy.
It must have been hell,
that business with your Nicola.
(BALL BANGS)
Honestly! They'll have a window through!
Special plates, separate cutlery,
that fuss with rubber gloves.
I'll talk to their teacher.
Wouldn't have milk or bread,
- or go near a potato.
- Iris!
When she did eat, she couldn't keep it in.
We never knew
which end it'd come out of!
Do you remember that smell
in her bedroom?
Under the ceiling tiles, we found
them Morrison's bags full of sick.
Please!
In the psychiatric ward,
she has to eat what she's given,
seeing as it comes through a tube.
I'm going outside to have strong words
before there's an accident.
It's getting as bad as your estate.
I know, Mrs Levinson.
Must make you want to throw up.
I couldn't possibly, Mrs de Courcey.
Oh, but we insist.
A present for Uncle Vetty
from Bentley.
For all your kindnesses.
I'm ever so worried about him,
Mr Chinnery.
He's normally such a sprightly
little fellow, aren't you, darling?
Hello.
Hello, Bentley. Hmm.
(FART)
Please be gentle with him.
We haven't been firm enough
with Bentley.
What did he have for breakfast
this morning?
- Um... Winalot.
- And what else?
A little poached salmon.
Um...foie gras.
Sliced truffle.
(FARTING)
Remember what we talked about,
Mrs de Courcey?
Bentley's a dog. He's not a person.
- But...
- Look at his belly.
Distended with methane from the rich
rubbish you've been feeding him.
Oh, but he's so delicate.
He's not made of china.
I fear a serious bowel disorder
has been precipitated.
So I'm going to have to perform...
a rectal examination.
Oh! Oh, Bentley.
Oh, you brave little soldier.
There we go.
Poor little Bentley.
I think you'll find he's more robust
than you give him credit for.
(SQUELCHING)
Oh, dear.
That's it, Tubbs. Fill her up.
A little more.
All right. Stop.
Get in.
I don't know why we never
thought of this before.
If the no-tails won't come to us,
we must go to them.
We'll have a bride for David in no time.
Edward, how do I make it walk?
Patience, Tubbs, patience.
We must read the instructions
thoroughly.
(ENGINE REVS, GEARS CRUNCH)
We don't want anyone getting hurt.
OK. Who would win out of "Gandhi"
and "Sister Act 2: Back In The Habit"?
Um...
It's not too bad, love.
The lease is only for a year.
We've got our privacy.
That's the main thing.
Oh, good. You are at home.
I'm sure you don't mind a visit
from your landlord.
- What are you doing, Mr...?
- Call me Pop, Gary.
And you, Lynne, how are you, eh?
OK.
We're going to be good friends,
me and you, Lynne.
Good friends.
But now, my friends,
I bring gifts for you.
This is a custom from the old country
whenever you move to a new home.
A bull's heart
that you will always have strength.
A manure
that you will always be fertile.
This last, Gary, this is for you.
But now, my friends, I have bad news.
What is it?
It's my lawyers. They are vampyr.
They bleed me dry!
I say to them, I have a property
for a fine young couple.
They are not tenants to me.
They are like my children.
I want to give them a good start.
But the lawyers they say no.
Is business.
They want to put the rent up
by a hundred quid.
No!
But don't worry, Gary,
Pop stand up to them.
We do a deal.
So now is only ?90 more.
Oh, thanks!
But, hey, what am I thinking about?
This is your first week
in your new home.
There is no place for Pop here. I go.
I come back for the money
in the morning.
Oh, don't worry. I have my own key.
Oh. You are a lucky man, Gary.
A lucky, lucky man.
You look nervous, Samuel.
Of course I'm nervous.
It's this public health thing.
They're sniffing round.
- What if they find something?
- They'll find nothing.
Trust me.
I dealt with Maurice.
I can deal with this.
You dealt with Maurice?
I don't think we'll have any trouble
from our resident magistrate.
Can you be sure?
Fear is the best insurance
that money can buy.
Audrey's Pat has got a nosebleed,
and Denise from Thresher's,
and even Trevor
who fetches my coleslaw.
And you know Dan who works with me
in the sandwich shop?
She said they might be having
compulsory health inspections.
Do you want to carve, love?
All right, Brian?
I found a good splint.
- I'm going to tie it to your leg.
- Please don't, Geoff.
- Aagh!
- All right, all right.
I brought you some dock leaves
in case you want that bab.
Where's Mike?
He said he'd only be an hour.
Probably lost.
He can't read the land like I can.
I bet they don't find us for days.
- Oh, Christ!
- I'll look after you.
- I brought you some food.
- What is it?
Just eat them. They're good for you.
Are you not having any?
No. I've got this.
Found it in my pocket.
I wish I'd stayed in the TAs.
I was good at that.
I wanted to join the army.
They said I was too fat.
This job I'm doing now...
I'm no good at it. Mike hates me.
- That's not true, Geoff.
- It is!
And I bet I get blamed for all this.
Yeah, well, I'll show him.
If I can get us back to that hotel...
in front of that board,
hopefully with you still alive.
Maybe I'll have done something -
one thing to show them
what I'm capable of.
They know what you're capable of.
- Sshh!
- Oh, not again, Geoff.
(STICK CRACKS)
What was that?
It could be the enemy.
What enemy?
Aaaagh!
Who is it?
It's Mike.