The League of Gentlemen (1999–2017): Season 2, Episode 3 - A Plague on Royston Vasey - full transcript
Charlie and Stella baby-sit their niece Jade but frighten her with their arguing. Gary and Lynne rent a room from Pop. Edward and Tubbs decide that David should marry in order to keep the shop in the family and set a trap to catch him a wife though they trap a woman who is not local and have to let her go. Hilary Briss is displeased when Maurice wants a special for his wife Eunice as specials are for men only. Pauline and Micky, sacked from BergerMe, confront Ross at the Job Centre. An enraged Pauline ties Ross up and a siege situation develops.
Mummy!
Disgustin'!
WHOOOOH! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
(RADIO) The great sound
of Lena Martell.
A dedication
to all in the Ed Stewart Ward
having a bleeding miserable time
in the nasal area!
So we're going back in Mike King's
time machine to 1976!
Here's Racey!
(MUSICAL I NTRO)
# Some girls will... #
Hey! Remember this?
"Some Girls Do."
I played rhythm guitar on that!
On the demo. Oh, yeah.
Nicky Chin says to me,
"Les, keep on playing like that, son,
and we'll be...finished on schedule."
And we were! Ahead of time, in fact.
Went down the pub. He buys me a pint.
Lovely fella - good sense of humour.
McQueen, there's arses need wiping!
Righto, Mr Best.
Yeah, you're right.
I'm glad I packed it in.
- It's a shit business!
- MCQUEEN!
So caring, considerate, good looking.
Is it what you are or what you want?
- It's what I want.
- Right.
I was gonna say - good looking?
OK, my name is Olive and it's my job
to build up a profile of you,
then match it to a suitable lady
from our extensive files.
Are you very kind, kind, fairly kind
or not at all kind to animals?
Sorry?
Very kind, kind, fairly kind
or not kind to animals?
- I can't really say.
- So not at all kind.
- Don't put that.
- Gotta take your first answer. Quiet?
- When?
- In general.
- Sometimes...
- Quiet.
- Must you put that?
- We need your bad points.
That's not such a bad point, is it?
You say that, but you can't get
a girlfriend, can you?
Let me explain
how a dating agency works.
95% of the people that come here
are weirdos.
My boyfriend doesn't like me
working here.
Not that he's jealous. I tell him,
"You should see the state of 'em!"
- Just thinks it's depressing for me.
- Did you meet him through an agency?
God, no!
I shall tell him that tonight
in bed! He'll laugh!
No, we met at a friend's party.
You meet people through people.
A lot of them haven't got friends!
Ultimately, you have to question
that, don't you?
Listen to me wittering on! Let's get
you paired up! Miracles can happen!
How confident are you on a scale
of 1 to 10? 10 being very.
Five.
Two.
Single, married, divorced, widowed?
Single, obviously.
Do you want a physical relationship?
We have to ask.
Some of our ladies couldn't blow up
a paper bag, never mind the other!
- Yes.
- You are?
- I am.
- It's like Cracker, this!
- Why did you force her?! Why?!
- I DIDN'T FORCE HER!
(I didn't force her.)
OK, Iain, we'll put all this
into the computer
and, if we get a match,
we'll let you know, OK?
Olive, do you think, if you didn't
have a boyfriend, one day you...
No!
Everything all right, Mickey, love?
Right, Pauline.
- Please take a seat.
- Oh, thank you.
Now, according to your file, you were
fired from the Burger Me restaurant.
- Is that correct?
- That is correct, yes.
What happened exactly?
Mickey wouldn't say.
I don't know, Ross.
I guess we just didn't...
cut the mustard.
Right, well, that's...
what I'll put in my report.
Pen?
- Thank you.
- You're welcome!
You do realise what this means,
don't you, Pauline?
I do, Ross. Back on the dole,
getting up at dinnertime
and flicking meself off to Trisha!
No.
The DSS rules state that,
because you were sacked,
all your benefits will be suspended.
What?!
For a period of
not less than nine weeks.
Nine weeks?!
What am I supposed to do?!
I've washed my hair
in Fairy Liquid for a fortnight!
Look for other work,
look at the boards downstairs.
Oh, I'm 48, Ross! Couldn't you
just give me me old job back?
I've changed! You know I have!
I'm sorry, Pauline, it's...
out of my hands.
What about...the child?
Mickey? Well, the same goes for him,
I'm afraid.
Look, I feel sorry for you,
but...there it is.
Oh, actually, there is...one thing.
I could lodge an appeal
on your behalf.
It might not work,
but it'd slow the process down.
If you could!
Anything to give me more time!
OK...
..beg me.
What?
Well, come on, Pauline...
..Iet's see how YOU like it.
Beg me!
Not very nice, is it?
You might want to think about that!
See you later, Mickey.
Ahhhhhhh!
- Pauline!
- Get him off me, Mickey, love!
Help me!
- What are you doing?!
- Get him in that chair, Mickey!
- Pauline, what's happening?!
- You vicious little bastard!
Think you can walk into MY office
and speak to me like that?!
- It's my office!
- Not any more, Ross!
Not any more!
(HOWLING)
Quiet, David, we're trying to work!
Now...candles.
Um...
..twelvety!
Good. Cans of Can't?
Um...
..twelvety!
And...precious things?
Um...
..twelvety!
Good. We haven't sold a thing.
Oh, Tubbs...we're getting
too old for this.
My eyes, they're not what they were.
Well, perhaps David could help out
on busy days like today.
No, Tubbs! This is a local shop
for local people!
David has spent far too much time
amongst the strangers!
His behaviour is too...peculiar.
Maybe.
But one day this shop will be his.
That's what worries me.
Our mother was lucky.
She had us to carry on the line,
but David is an only child.
And my insides are all wrong.
Then the time has come
to find him a mate!
- A no-tail? But how will we get one?
- Leave it to me, Tubbs!
I...have a way with women.
Seen, seen, seen, seen, seen, seen.
- Seen, seen, seen, seen, seen...
- All right, Ally?
- All right, Henry.
- Seen this? My sister got it out.
Richard I-I-I.
- What's it about?
- It's about two hours.
No, I mean what is the theme
of the film?
Oh, the theme of the film is...
# Dum da da da-da da-daa
# Diddle-de de-de de-de de
diddle-de! De-de de-deh! #
- Is it an 'orror?
- No, it's a Shakespeare.
You devoid!
Shakespeare is a language!
That is what I thought, but it turns
out he is a director from them days.
- It's colour, though.
- So was it any good?
- Yeah. There is some talking.
- Aw!
But mainly there's just loads
and loads of killings.
- How many?
- Loads.
Do you see 'em all? Would
Richard I-I-I win, say, Predator?
- In terms of killings, yeth.
- Right, we'll get it, then.
Ian McKellen? I thunked
he was a weather man.
He is.
(WHISTLES CHEERILY)
(CHUCKLES)
Stinks like a cacky nappy in here!
Hello, Mr King.
Not doing your radio show?
That's what I've come to talk
to YOU about. It's Les?
- Yeah.
- I was talking to some of the lads.
- You used to be in a band.
- Yeah. Creme Brulee.
Creme Brulee! The ones who...
- Nearly signed to Pickwick in '76.
- What was your first single?
- Telephone Tears.
- Telephone Tears! Never!
# You're always engaged, girl,
but not to me
# Is there room in your heart
for my last 2p?
- # The operator... #
- Listen, Les, done any DJ-ing?
Yes.
How would you like
to do a guest spot?
- When?!
- Tonight.
Something's come up. A benefit for
Down's syndrome. Fancy filling in?
Doesn't matter if you can't.
No, I'm sure I'll finish in time
for your evening slot, Mr King.
- Mike.
- Mike.
- Come up about ten-to.
- Righto.
Er, Mike.
Is there a...play list?
There's only 30 LPs in there!
These buggers never notice!
Play what you like!
Hilary.
We must stop meeting like this.
I don't need to go, you know.
Better get it out...for appearances.
Oh, right!
(UNZIPS)
Are we still on for tonight?
- That an offer, Maurice?
- The meeting, I mean!
Seems longer than a month
since the last.
I'm looking forward
to filling my freezer.
8.30 prompt.
My place.
As you can see, we have
a very generous reception area.
(FLICKS LIGHT SWITCH)
When you decide you wanna move in,
I get my son to put a new bulb in.
We've got a few more places
to see, Mr...
Call me Pop! Ah, now!
The telephone number here
is a REAL feature!
It's 444 4244!
Is real easy to remember!
I bet, if I ask you now what is the
number, you can reel it back to me!
- Go on, what is the phone number?
- 4...
444 4244! That's right!
You see, you know it already!
- You said it was central heating.
- Right, it's central heating.
So, Gary, you like this room, huh?
It's fully fitted for TV, video,
satellite!
You can do whatever you like
in this room!
You could be making love
on the floor!
Once you sign the lease,
get on with whatever you like.
I can't see any radiators.
Yeah. I expect you wanna go
and see the kitchen, yeah?
A woman wanna know most -
"What is the kitchen like??"
That's right, isn't it, Gary?
You go and look at the kitchen
while I talk to Gary!
- Like the house?
- We've other appointments...
Is no necessary! No necessary!
You will not find a better place
than this! Not for the price!
- We're just looking.
- You found, so sign!
- I-I need to speak to...
- Shhhhh!
Gary, Gary, Gary, Gary, Gary.
What is it
you are worried about, huh?
You worried about THAT? Take some
advice from a man who knows life.
Women like decision.
So...I'm-a gonna give you
this pen - huh? -
and you is gonna sign this paper and
we're gonna shake hands like men!
- Like men who've done a deal!
- I can't sign...
In a minute, Gary, I'm gonna
lose my temper with you!
'Cause we had an agreement here,
a verbal agreement.
That is like a contract
and you don't break a contract,
Gary!
- Not without consequence!
- Well...
What is the matter with you?
Are you a homosexual?
- You can't make a decision?!
- I 'm...
Then show me! Prove it to me!
Sign your name! That's who you are!
I'm proud of you, Gary!
Something happen here today!
Something good.
Congratulations, Lynne!
Welcome to your new home!
Gary, there's no heating.
Help, someone, please!
Oh, my dear! What has happened?
Are you all right?
My leg! I was just out walking!
- Yes. Who would do such a thing?
- I don't know!
Oh, thank God you came!
- Tell me, my dear, are you local?
- No!
- AHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHH!
- Damn!
Did the plan work, Edward?
Not local.
Oh, oh! Please help me!
- Pauline, what are you doing?
- Shut up! I'm thinking!
- Has anyone been past, Mickey, love?
- Only cars.
Let me know if any pigs sniff round.
Right. What about dogs?
What do you hope to achieve
by this?
I want my job back, you shit!
The job you stole from me!
- Or you'll draw on my face (?)
- I'll do more than that!
- Pauline! There's someone coming!
- Let me speak to 'em! Get down!
Hello, little boy!
Go to the police station
and give a message to Inspector Cox.
Cocks!
Tell him I am holding a hostage
at the Job Centre!
I will not let him go until I get
reinstated as Restart Officer!
Now, have you got that?
What's up with him? Is he simple?
You can also tell him I want
a big, massive box of pens
with "Pauline's Pens"
written on the side!
- And I want a fire engine!
- Give over! No, ignore that!
- You promised!
- Mickey, love, you can't even drive!
- I can learn!
- In a fire engine?!
I'd like to see you do
a three-point turn!
No, forget the fire engine,
just get me my job back!
- And the pens!
- And the pens!
- I want one!
- They won't have time!
- I want one now!
- Oh, for fu...!
Change of plan. We now want
the fire engine, all right?
Well, go on, then! Off you go!
- You satisfied?
- Yeah!
Well, now what happens?
Now we wait.
- And if they won't cooperate?
- I start cutting off YOUR benefits.
Creme Brulee with Voodoo Lady
from the album Just Desserts
still available on mail order.
The address coming up
at the end of the show.
Now, we all remember
the long hot summer of '76.
Ladybird invasions,
tiger sharks off Brighton beach,
blokes in the park charging ?1
for a can of Pepsi Cola!
But I wonder what Creme Brulee
were up to. Well, we were...
They were Dreaming Of Memphis!
(ELECTRIC GUITAR RIFF)
(MUFFLED GUITAR RIFF)
Honestly, Simone, she'll be fine
with us! Won't you, Jade? Yeah!
Go to t'hospital.
You'll be all right. Tara!
(IN BABY VOICE) What are you doing?
Right, let's get you sat down here,
then! Shift that!
- What?
- All of it!
He shouldn't be doing that in here,
should he, Jade?
- I hope she's paying you!
- This is your Uncle Charlie, Jade.
- Say hello, Charlie!
- Hello.
Speak properly!
Hello! Hello, Jade, pleased to meet
you! Sorry, I've got wet hands.
- Oh, Charlie, she's not a dog!
- Her mother is!
-Don't listen to him, Jade!
He's a silly man! Yes, a silly man!
Oh, yes, I'm a silly man, Jade!
I only work six days a week
to keep a family together!
Call it a family! It's not a family!
He couldn't care less, could he?!
Shut up!
When you grow up, don't let a man
put his winkie in you!
They've got you! It's how Charlie got
me! And that was the end of my life!
I'll just go and get your bock-bock,
Jade. And I want that lot shifted!
She's lying!
There's many reasons
why a mummy and daddy fall out!
I work my frigging arse off...
Sorry, Jade. What does SHE do?
She gambles! Fruit machines,
scratch cards! She's known for it!
Don't listen to him!
He's a big fat liar!
Oh, I'm lying, am I, Jade?
What are all these, then, eh?!
- Give me them!
- Stuffed behind the bread bin!
- They must be Julie's, Jade!
- Jade knows!
- Honestly, they must be Julie's!
- Jade's disgusted with you!
I'm stuck in the house all day!
I have nowt to look forward to!
- Jade doesn't want your excuses!
- I hate the guts of him!
- She don't mean that, Jade!
- I can't see colours!
- Please, Jade!
- Jade, please!
(BABY CRIES)
Aww...she misses her mummy.
- Shall I go and warm her bock-bock?
- If you would, Charlie.
- Are we playing for money?
- Only way to play!
- Do the honours, young man!
- Thank you, young sir.
- What's it to be, then?
- Knock-out whist.
Knock-out whist?! I think not, Doc.
Let's have a round of Slippery Jack.
- Excellent, sir, excellent!
- I don't know how to play.
- Doc doesn't know Slippery Jack.
- You don't know Slippery Jack?
Let's have a round of 40-Card Drag.
Is that the one
that's a bit like poker?
Don't you know any card games, Doc?
Yes, whist, knock-out whist,
rummy, pontoon...
Let's play Go, Johnny, Go Go Go Go!
- Fine idea, young man!
- I don't know that one either.
- Everyone knows Go, Johnny!
- I don't.
You do! It's like a cross
between Hoover and 8 Men Down.
I haven't played those either!
It's all right. We'll just have
to explain the rules to you.
- It's very simple.
- Jacks are worth 10, kings 3.
- One-eyed jacks are wild.
- We'll come to those.
Round 1, you get nine.
Round 2, seven.
- Twos are wild.
- We'll come to those.
- Diamonds retain their face value.
- Except the king.
We play in sequence
unless you match a pair
or play a card in ascending
or descending order.
- That's a Go, Johnny, Go Go Go Go!
- You stand up
and shout, "Go, Johnny, Go Go Go Go!"
The winner has the most tricks.
You'll pick up the rest as we play.
Shall we say...a pound a round?
- I'm not really sure how to start.
- Just put a card on the table.
- Come on!
- Hurry up, Doc!
- A three?!
- You can't lead with a three!
This is not Bamalama-Fizz-Vaj!
- Sorry!
- Start again!
She says, "That's all covered in doings!"
I says, "How more free range
do you want??"
(OUTSIDE DOOR OPENS)
- Oh, this'll be Maurice.
- About time!
Maurice, we'd almost given up on you.
Sorry I'm late, Hilary.
Oh, the lot of a magistrate!
- The bench has to come first!
- All right, Judge Jeffreys!
Sit down.
Right...now we're all
finally convened.
As my special customers,
you're no doubt...
Hiya. I was just parking the car.
Right...Eunice...
an unexpected pleasure.
Sam, would you like to get
Eunice a drink?
Maurice, do you have a moment?
Are you out of your fucking mind?!
- What do you mean?
- How much does she know?
- Just the basics.
- Just the basics!
- I thought she could come in on it.
- Get rid of her, Maurice!
Do you want me
to get rid of the others, too?
- What others?!
- Her brother-in-law and the kids.
They're all parked outside
in a Maxi.
Get out, Maurice!
Is this what I think it is?
It's lovely!
- Come along, Eunice!
- We've just got here!
- I-I left the door on the latch!
- You never did?
- Anyway, I can stay.
- No! Come on!
Well?!
I think we may have to take steps.
(BOTH) Mmmmmmmm!
Very interesting, Mr Bond!
Huit.
Ace in the hole.
Tal.
- What?
- Come on, Doc.
- What?
- That's a Go, Johnny Go Go Go Go!
- Is it? Great!
- You can't touch 'em!
- Why not?
- Say "Go, Johnny, Go Go Go Go!"
- Go, Johnny, Go Go Go Go!
- Stand up first.
And say "Go, Johnny, Go Go Go Go!"
- Go, Johnny, Go Go Go Go!
- Name your pairs.
- What?
- Name your pairs!
- Pairs?
- You put down a three.
- You must have pairs!
- That's a Go, Johnny, Go Go Go Go!
- You can't look at 'em!
- I'm supposed to remember them?
- Jacks are worth 10...
- One-eyed jacks...
LOOK...
..why can't we just play
something simple?
Why do we only play things
you two know the rules of?!
It was like this when we were kids!
You put bets on bloody...Buckaroo!
Why can't we just play...
hangman or something?
(BOTH) Ooooooooooooooooh!
- All right, Doc!
- Whatever you say, Doc!
- Hangman it is!
- Hangman. Sounds good to me.
- I'm sorry...
- It's all right. Hangman.
Canadian rules or Italian?
Pauline, what if nobody comes?
Oh, shut up, Ross!
And stop hogging that duvet!
Disgustin'!
WHOOOOH! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
(RADIO) The great sound
of Lena Martell.
A dedication
to all in the Ed Stewart Ward
having a bleeding miserable time
in the nasal area!
So we're going back in Mike King's
time machine to 1976!
Here's Racey!
(MUSICAL I NTRO)
# Some girls will... #
Hey! Remember this?
"Some Girls Do."
I played rhythm guitar on that!
On the demo. Oh, yeah.
Nicky Chin says to me,
"Les, keep on playing like that, son,
and we'll be...finished on schedule."
And we were! Ahead of time, in fact.
Went down the pub. He buys me a pint.
Lovely fella - good sense of humour.
McQueen, there's arses need wiping!
Righto, Mr Best.
Yeah, you're right.
I'm glad I packed it in.
- It's a shit business!
- MCQUEEN!
So caring, considerate, good looking.
Is it what you are or what you want?
- It's what I want.
- Right.
I was gonna say - good looking?
OK, my name is Olive and it's my job
to build up a profile of you,
then match it to a suitable lady
from our extensive files.
Are you very kind, kind, fairly kind
or not at all kind to animals?
Sorry?
Very kind, kind, fairly kind
or not kind to animals?
- I can't really say.
- So not at all kind.
- Don't put that.
- Gotta take your first answer. Quiet?
- When?
- In general.
- Sometimes...
- Quiet.
- Must you put that?
- We need your bad points.
That's not such a bad point, is it?
You say that, but you can't get
a girlfriend, can you?
Let me explain
how a dating agency works.
95% of the people that come here
are weirdos.
My boyfriend doesn't like me
working here.
Not that he's jealous. I tell him,
"You should see the state of 'em!"
- Just thinks it's depressing for me.
- Did you meet him through an agency?
God, no!
I shall tell him that tonight
in bed! He'll laugh!
No, we met at a friend's party.
You meet people through people.
A lot of them haven't got friends!
Ultimately, you have to question
that, don't you?
Listen to me wittering on! Let's get
you paired up! Miracles can happen!
How confident are you on a scale
of 1 to 10? 10 being very.
Five.
Two.
Single, married, divorced, widowed?
Single, obviously.
Do you want a physical relationship?
We have to ask.
Some of our ladies couldn't blow up
a paper bag, never mind the other!
- Yes.
- You are?
- I am.
- It's like Cracker, this!
- Why did you force her?! Why?!
- I DIDN'T FORCE HER!
(I didn't force her.)
OK, Iain, we'll put all this
into the computer
and, if we get a match,
we'll let you know, OK?
Olive, do you think, if you didn't
have a boyfriend, one day you...
No!
Everything all right, Mickey, love?
Right, Pauline.
- Please take a seat.
- Oh, thank you.
Now, according to your file, you were
fired from the Burger Me restaurant.
- Is that correct?
- That is correct, yes.
What happened exactly?
Mickey wouldn't say.
I don't know, Ross.
I guess we just didn't...
cut the mustard.
Right, well, that's...
what I'll put in my report.
Pen?
- Thank you.
- You're welcome!
You do realise what this means,
don't you, Pauline?
I do, Ross. Back on the dole,
getting up at dinnertime
and flicking meself off to Trisha!
No.
The DSS rules state that,
because you were sacked,
all your benefits will be suspended.
What?!
For a period of
not less than nine weeks.
Nine weeks?!
What am I supposed to do?!
I've washed my hair
in Fairy Liquid for a fortnight!
Look for other work,
look at the boards downstairs.
Oh, I'm 48, Ross! Couldn't you
just give me me old job back?
I've changed! You know I have!
I'm sorry, Pauline, it's...
out of my hands.
What about...the child?
Mickey? Well, the same goes for him,
I'm afraid.
Look, I feel sorry for you,
but...there it is.
Oh, actually, there is...one thing.
I could lodge an appeal
on your behalf.
It might not work,
but it'd slow the process down.
If you could!
Anything to give me more time!
OK...
..beg me.
What?
Well, come on, Pauline...
..Iet's see how YOU like it.
Beg me!
Not very nice, is it?
You might want to think about that!
See you later, Mickey.
Ahhhhhhh!
- Pauline!
- Get him off me, Mickey, love!
Help me!
- What are you doing?!
- Get him in that chair, Mickey!
- Pauline, what's happening?!
- You vicious little bastard!
Think you can walk into MY office
and speak to me like that?!
- It's my office!
- Not any more, Ross!
Not any more!
(HOWLING)
Quiet, David, we're trying to work!
Now...candles.
Um...
..twelvety!
Good. Cans of Can't?
Um...
..twelvety!
And...precious things?
Um...
..twelvety!
Good. We haven't sold a thing.
Oh, Tubbs...we're getting
too old for this.
My eyes, they're not what they were.
Well, perhaps David could help out
on busy days like today.
No, Tubbs! This is a local shop
for local people!
David has spent far too much time
amongst the strangers!
His behaviour is too...peculiar.
Maybe.
But one day this shop will be his.
That's what worries me.
Our mother was lucky.
She had us to carry on the line,
but David is an only child.
And my insides are all wrong.
Then the time has come
to find him a mate!
- A no-tail? But how will we get one?
- Leave it to me, Tubbs!
I...have a way with women.
Seen, seen, seen, seen, seen, seen.
- Seen, seen, seen, seen, seen...
- All right, Ally?
- All right, Henry.
- Seen this? My sister got it out.
Richard I-I-I.
- What's it about?
- It's about two hours.
No, I mean what is the theme
of the film?
Oh, the theme of the film is...
# Dum da da da-da da-daa
# Diddle-de de-de de-de de
diddle-de! De-de de-deh! #
- Is it an 'orror?
- No, it's a Shakespeare.
You devoid!
Shakespeare is a language!
That is what I thought, but it turns
out he is a director from them days.
- It's colour, though.
- So was it any good?
- Yeah. There is some talking.
- Aw!
But mainly there's just loads
and loads of killings.
- How many?
- Loads.
Do you see 'em all? Would
Richard I-I-I win, say, Predator?
- In terms of killings, yeth.
- Right, we'll get it, then.
Ian McKellen? I thunked
he was a weather man.
He is.
(WHISTLES CHEERILY)
(CHUCKLES)
Stinks like a cacky nappy in here!
Hello, Mr King.
Not doing your radio show?
That's what I've come to talk
to YOU about. It's Les?
- Yeah.
- I was talking to some of the lads.
- You used to be in a band.
- Yeah. Creme Brulee.
Creme Brulee! The ones who...
- Nearly signed to Pickwick in '76.
- What was your first single?
- Telephone Tears.
- Telephone Tears! Never!
# You're always engaged, girl,
but not to me
# Is there room in your heart
for my last 2p?
- # The operator... #
- Listen, Les, done any DJ-ing?
Yes.
How would you like
to do a guest spot?
- When?!
- Tonight.
Something's come up. A benefit for
Down's syndrome. Fancy filling in?
Doesn't matter if you can't.
No, I'm sure I'll finish in time
for your evening slot, Mr King.
- Mike.
- Mike.
- Come up about ten-to.
- Righto.
Er, Mike.
Is there a...play list?
There's only 30 LPs in there!
These buggers never notice!
Play what you like!
Hilary.
We must stop meeting like this.
I don't need to go, you know.
Better get it out...for appearances.
Oh, right!
(UNZIPS)
Are we still on for tonight?
- That an offer, Maurice?
- The meeting, I mean!
Seems longer than a month
since the last.
I'm looking forward
to filling my freezer.
8.30 prompt.
My place.
As you can see, we have
a very generous reception area.
(FLICKS LIGHT SWITCH)
When you decide you wanna move in,
I get my son to put a new bulb in.
We've got a few more places
to see, Mr...
Call me Pop! Ah, now!
The telephone number here
is a REAL feature!
It's 444 4244!
Is real easy to remember!
I bet, if I ask you now what is the
number, you can reel it back to me!
- Go on, what is the phone number?
- 4...
444 4244! That's right!
You see, you know it already!
- You said it was central heating.
- Right, it's central heating.
So, Gary, you like this room, huh?
It's fully fitted for TV, video,
satellite!
You can do whatever you like
in this room!
You could be making love
on the floor!
Once you sign the lease,
get on with whatever you like.
I can't see any radiators.
Yeah. I expect you wanna go
and see the kitchen, yeah?
A woman wanna know most -
"What is the kitchen like??"
That's right, isn't it, Gary?
You go and look at the kitchen
while I talk to Gary!
- Like the house?
- We've other appointments...
Is no necessary! No necessary!
You will not find a better place
than this! Not for the price!
- We're just looking.
- You found, so sign!
- I-I need to speak to...
- Shhhhh!
Gary, Gary, Gary, Gary, Gary.
What is it
you are worried about, huh?
You worried about THAT? Take some
advice from a man who knows life.
Women like decision.
So...I'm-a gonna give you
this pen - huh? -
and you is gonna sign this paper and
we're gonna shake hands like men!
- Like men who've done a deal!
- I can't sign...
In a minute, Gary, I'm gonna
lose my temper with you!
'Cause we had an agreement here,
a verbal agreement.
That is like a contract
and you don't break a contract,
Gary!
- Not without consequence!
- Well...
What is the matter with you?
Are you a homosexual?
- You can't make a decision?!
- I 'm...
Then show me! Prove it to me!
Sign your name! That's who you are!
I'm proud of you, Gary!
Something happen here today!
Something good.
Congratulations, Lynne!
Welcome to your new home!
Gary, there's no heating.
Help, someone, please!
Oh, my dear! What has happened?
Are you all right?
My leg! I was just out walking!
- Yes. Who would do such a thing?
- I don't know!
Oh, thank God you came!
- Tell me, my dear, are you local?
- No!
- AHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHH!
- Damn!
Did the plan work, Edward?
Not local.
Oh, oh! Please help me!
- Pauline, what are you doing?
- Shut up! I'm thinking!
- Has anyone been past, Mickey, love?
- Only cars.
Let me know if any pigs sniff round.
Right. What about dogs?
What do you hope to achieve
by this?
I want my job back, you shit!
The job you stole from me!
- Or you'll draw on my face (?)
- I'll do more than that!
- Pauline! There's someone coming!
- Let me speak to 'em! Get down!
Hello, little boy!
Go to the police station
and give a message to Inspector Cox.
Cocks!
Tell him I am holding a hostage
at the Job Centre!
I will not let him go until I get
reinstated as Restart Officer!
Now, have you got that?
What's up with him? Is he simple?
You can also tell him I want
a big, massive box of pens
with "Pauline's Pens"
written on the side!
- And I want a fire engine!
- Give over! No, ignore that!
- You promised!
- Mickey, love, you can't even drive!
- I can learn!
- In a fire engine?!
I'd like to see you do
a three-point turn!
No, forget the fire engine,
just get me my job back!
- And the pens!
- And the pens!
- I want one!
- They won't have time!
- I want one now!
- Oh, for fu...!
Change of plan. We now want
the fire engine, all right?
Well, go on, then! Off you go!
- You satisfied?
- Yeah!
Well, now what happens?
Now we wait.
- And if they won't cooperate?
- I start cutting off YOUR benefits.
Creme Brulee with Voodoo Lady
from the album Just Desserts
still available on mail order.
The address coming up
at the end of the show.
Now, we all remember
the long hot summer of '76.
Ladybird invasions,
tiger sharks off Brighton beach,
blokes in the park charging ?1
for a can of Pepsi Cola!
But I wonder what Creme Brulee
were up to. Well, we were...
They were Dreaming Of Memphis!
(ELECTRIC GUITAR RIFF)
(MUFFLED GUITAR RIFF)
Honestly, Simone, she'll be fine
with us! Won't you, Jade? Yeah!
Go to t'hospital.
You'll be all right. Tara!
(IN BABY VOICE) What are you doing?
Right, let's get you sat down here,
then! Shift that!
- What?
- All of it!
He shouldn't be doing that in here,
should he, Jade?
- I hope she's paying you!
- This is your Uncle Charlie, Jade.
- Say hello, Charlie!
- Hello.
Speak properly!
Hello! Hello, Jade, pleased to meet
you! Sorry, I've got wet hands.
- Oh, Charlie, she's not a dog!
- Her mother is!
-Don't listen to him, Jade!
He's a silly man! Yes, a silly man!
Oh, yes, I'm a silly man, Jade!
I only work six days a week
to keep a family together!
Call it a family! It's not a family!
He couldn't care less, could he?!
Shut up!
When you grow up, don't let a man
put his winkie in you!
They've got you! It's how Charlie got
me! And that was the end of my life!
I'll just go and get your bock-bock,
Jade. And I want that lot shifted!
She's lying!
There's many reasons
why a mummy and daddy fall out!
I work my frigging arse off...
Sorry, Jade. What does SHE do?
She gambles! Fruit machines,
scratch cards! She's known for it!
Don't listen to him!
He's a big fat liar!
Oh, I'm lying, am I, Jade?
What are all these, then, eh?!
- Give me them!
- Stuffed behind the bread bin!
- They must be Julie's, Jade!
- Jade knows!
- Honestly, they must be Julie's!
- Jade's disgusted with you!
I'm stuck in the house all day!
I have nowt to look forward to!
- Jade doesn't want your excuses!
- I hate the guts of him!
- She don't mean that, Jade!
- I can't see colours!
- Please, Jade!
- Jade, please!
(BABY CRIES)
Aww...she misses her mummy.
- Shall I go and warm her bock-bock?
- If you would, Charlie.
- Are we playing for money?
- Only way to play!
- Do the honours, young man!
- Thank you, young sir.
- What's it to be, then?
- Knock-out whist.
Knock-out whist?! I think not, Doc.
Let's have a round of Slippery Jack.
- Excellent, sir, excellent!
- I don't know how to play.
- Doc doesn't know Slippery Jack.
- You don't know Slippery Jack?
Let's have a round of 40-Card Drag.
Is that the one
that's a bit like poker?
Don't you know any card games, Doc?
Yes, whist, knock-out whist,
rummy, pontoon...
Let's play Go, Johnny, Go Go Go Go!
- Fine idea, young man!
- I don't know that one either.
- Everyone knows Go, Johnny!
- I don't.
You do! It's like a cross
between Hoover and 8 Men Down.
I haven't played those either!
It's all right. We'll just have
to explain the rules to you.
- It's very simple.
- Jacks are worth 10, kings 3.
- One-eyed jacks are wild.
- We'll come to those.
Round 1, you get nine.
Round 2, seven.
- Twos are wild.
- We'll come to those.
- Diamonds retain their face value.
- Except the king.
We play in sequence
unless you match a pair
or play a card in ascending
or descending order.
- That's a Go, Johnny, Go Go Go Go!
- You stand up
and shout, "Go, Johnny, Go Go Go Go!"
The winner has the most tricks.
You'll pick up the rest as we play.
Shall we say...a pound a round?
- I'm not really sure how to start.
- Just put a card on the table.
- Come on!
- Hurry up, Doc!
- A three?!
- You can't lead with a three!
This is not Bamalama-Fizz-Vaj!
- Sorry!
- Start again!
She says, "That's all covered in doings!"
I says, "How more free range
do you want??"
(OUTSIDE DOOR OPENS)
- Oh, this'll be Maurice.
- About time!
Maurice, we'd almost given up on you.
Sorry I'm late, Hilary.
Oh, the lot of a magistrate!
- The bench has to come first!
- All right, Judge Jeffreys!
Sit down.
Right...now we're all
finally convened.
As my special customers,
you're no doubt...
Hiya. I was just parking the car.
Right...Eunice...
an unexpected pleasure.
Sam, would you like to get
Eunice a drink?
Maurice, do you have a moment?
Are you out of your fucking mind?!
- What do you mean?
- How much does she know?
- Just the basics.
- Just the basics!
- I thought she could come in on it.
- Get rid of her, Maurice!
Do you want me
to get rid of the others, too?
- What others?!
- Her brother-in-law and the kids.
They're all parked outside
in a Maxi.
Get out, Maurice!
Is this what I think it is?
It's lovely!
- Come along, Eunice!
- We've just got here!
- I-I left the door on the latch!
- You never did?
- Anyway, I can stay.
- No! Come on!
Well?!
I think we may have to take steps.
(BOTH) Mmmmmmmm!
Very interesting, Mr Bond!
Huit.
Ace in the hole.
Tal.
- What?
- Come on, Doc.
- What?
- That's a Go, Johnny Go Go Go Go!
- Is it? Great!
- You can't touch 'em!
- Why not?
- Say "Go, Johnny, Go Go Go Go!"
- Go, Johnny, Go Go Go Go!
- Stand up first.
And say "Go, Johnny, Go Go Go Go!"
- Go, Johnny, Go Go Go Go!
- Name your pairs.
- What?
- Name your pairs!
- Pairs?
- You put down a three.
- You must have pairs!
- That's a Go, Johnny, Go Go Go Go!
- You can't look at 'em!
- I'm supposed to remember them?
- Jacks are worth 10...
- One-eyed jacks...
LOOK...
..why can't we just play
something simple?
Why do we only play things
you two know the rules of?!
It was like this when we were kids!
You put bets on bloody...Buckaroo!
Why can't we just play...
hangman or something?
(BOTH) Ooooooooooooooooh!
- All right, Doc!
- Whatever you say, Doc!
- Hangman it is!
- Hangman. Sounds good to me.
- I'm sorry...
- It's all right. Hangman.
Canadian rules or Italian?
Pauline, what if nobody comes?
Oh, shut up, Ross!
And stop hogging that duvet!