The League of Gentlemen (1999–2017): Season 1, Episode 5 - Love Comes to Royston Vasey - full transcript

And if you'd just like to pop
your signature there, pet.

I have to say I think you're both mad.

Imagine... Endless nights in with nothing to say.

Awkward fumblings between
the sheets as your passion fades.

The grinding tedium of enforced companionship.

And yours just there, thank you.

- (CHARLIE BELCHES)
- Pig.

Excuse me, can you give me a hand, please?

- OK?
- Just a little bit further.

All right.

(CHURCH BELLS RINGING)



They make a lovely couple, don't they, Geoff?

What? Oh, yeah. Why don't you try
to catch the bouquet, Barbara?

I might not have to. Have a read of that.

"Stunning, busty brunette"...
Is this you, Barbara?

"Seeks open-minded male for cuddles
and car maintenance."

- Got any replies?
- No, it only came out today.

Why? Are you interested?

I've got to get off, I'm the best man.

BARBARA: You should let me be
the judge of that, Geoff.

You ready, Ken?

- We're all here behind you.
- Oh?

- Where did you find him?
- I'll tell you what, he's very cheap.

- Say cheese everybody!
- Cheese!

Coming with us?



I'll see you later, Cheryl.
See you at the reception.

Let him go.

Ha, ha, ha...!

We're having the do olde-worlde, so if you
have any "hey nonny nonny" stuff...

- I'll have a think.
- Yeah, well, do.

- You're the band for tonight?
- Yeah.

Should be a good do.

- Is that a Strat?
- Yeah, mate.

Thought so. I used to play on one of them.

Do you do requests? Do you know Voodoo Lady?

You mean Foxy Lady? Jimi Hendrix.

No, Voodoo Lady, Cr?me Brulee.

Eurovision heats finalist 1981.

No? Not heard of us?

We had quite a bit of radio play back then.

Peter Levy at Air FM, it was record
of the week April 16th through 23rd.

I bought my Strat off Mitch Murray,
he wrote songs for Paper Lace.

He says to me: "Les, I want 300
sheets, but you can have it for 250."

'Cause he knew me, like.
Right good sense of humour.

- Done any telly?
- No.

Just weddings, birthdays, bar mitzvahs.

Outfit I were with, Cr?me Brulee,
did quite a bit of telly.

Did Magpie. Kate Bush were on.

Week before us.

Do you know what ruined everything?
Punk rock. What was that about?

Craftsmanship, ballads -
all went out the window.

- Do you write your own stuff?
- It's a covers band.

When I was on tour
with Peter Skellern, he said to me:

"Les, you'd been around five year
back, you'd have been away."

Timing was wrong is all.

There's a lot of luck in this business.

I did the right thing getting out when
I did. Do you want to hear me stuff?

Listen, man. I've got to get on.

- Can I have a word, boss?
- Yeah.

- What is it, Maynard?
- Ray's not turned up.

Again? We'll have to do without
rhythm guitar tonight.

- Hey! It's fate is that.
- What is?

- I play rhythm guitar.
- I don't think so.

You can't do Sympathy
for the Devil without rhythm guitar.

We can do it on the keyboard.

It's not the same. Give us a go on
your Strat, I'll teach you Voodoo Lady.

It's not going to happen, all right?

Yeah. You're right.

Probably wouldn't enjoy it, would I?

Out on the road, getting drunk.

Young man's game.

Nice to have a chat to someone
who knows their stuff, though.

It's a shit business.

I'm glad I'm out of it.

All the best, son.

Very kind of you.

- Hurry up, we're going to be late.
- We've got to get food yet.

What are you trying to do, bum me?

- Where do you want to sit?
- Go behind this slaphead.

(THEY GIGGLE)

- ALl: How much do I owe you?
- How much were the tickets?

- How much was popcorn?
- I can't see my change.

Shhh!

- ALl: Has it started?
- This can't be it, it's French.

Could you be quiet, please?

HENRY: Oh, sorry. It's only bloody adverts.

No, it started. This is the film.

- This is the film?
- Yes.

Is this Candy Man II, Farewell to the Flesh?

No.

We're in wrong bloody film.
We're in wrong bloody film!

- Bloody hell! What's this, then?
- It's Blue.

- Blue?!
- A bluey?

Bloody hell, that were a bit of luck. A bluey!

It's the title of the film. Krzysztof
Kieslowski's Trois Couleurs Bleu.

- Dracula's what?
- How many killings?

Trois Couleurs Bleu.

Tra cula pooh.

- What's he say?
- I don't know. Come on, it's weary.

No, give it a chance.
It might be really, really good.

How many killings have we missed so far?

Is everybody having a good time? Yeah...

Well, this will get you up on your feet.
It's Dance Yourself Dizzy.

Ohhh!

I'm sorry, luv, I didn't see
you sat there. Don't get up.

Oh, it's Peter, isn't it?

No, no, no. Paul.

Oh, I'm going daft in me old age. Christopher?

- Simon.
- Simon, that's it.

Course, you're our Linda's...
No, no, no. Our Valerie's...

- Joan.
- That's right. Our Joan's youngest...

- Eldest.
- Eldest daughter.

- Son.
- Son!

Our Joan's eldest son, Simon.

Oh, of course! You're the crip...

Eh, the... you know.

- How have you been keeping?
- You know me, Simon.

All right down one side.

No, what I mean to say is...

l-i-i-it's been a long time, you know.

The last time I saw you, you were only so high.

I must... Do you know where the Gent's is?

No, no, you wouldn't, would you? But you might.

I expect even you lot have got to... you know.

Unless you've got one of them little
Queen Mum... No, you wouldn't.

It's down there on the left.

On the left? Right. On the left.

Oh, there she goes. Look! The blushing bride.

Are you courting like, Simon?

No, no, you wouldn't, would you? But you might.

Not that you shouldn't.

In the modern world I expect
there are ways for you to...

I saw this documentary once, and it said

there's no reason, no reason in the world why...

And there's bound to be somebody out there.

Plenty, fish, sea and all that.

You'll find one
that doesn't mind doing it with a...

That doesn't mind doing without it, even.

And if your babies turned out to be all...

Well, they can tell these days,
they have computers.

Christ, Simon! You wouldn't have to keep it.

Excuse me, I think my wife's calling me.

Oh, aye.

Was it something I said?

Hello, Babs' Cabs.

Yes, I was wondering if you're available tonight.

Right! Right, right...

Just a sec', just a sec'.

Who's speaking, please?

My name is Benjamin Denton.
I'm staying at the Swanmills estate,

but I'd like you to pick me up somewhere else.

I understand.

I want to go quite far.

Ben, I understand. Where can we meet?

Outside the butcher's shop, six o'clock?

Six o'clock.

It's a date.

I'll see you later then. Bye.

Bugger me, it worked.

Nearly there.

This was known as the Zechstein sea,

covering most of what is now
the north of England.

Right, we're all gathered. Just come this way.

The entrance of this cave is quite low down,

so mind you don't bump your heads.

Not many know that Stump Hole
Cavern takes its name

from the crippled prostitute who plied
her trade here in the 17th century.

If you look carefully up there

you can see her tariff etched into
the limestone in soot.

If you'lljust stay close behind me,
mind the shale on this floor.

Quite slippy.

We are part of a much wider network
of caves that riddle the entire county,

including the much larger Redscar
Cavern located half a mile west.

Trifle flashy for my taste I have to say,
with their gift shop, cafeteria

and 100 percent safety record
all over the promotion literature.

But there you go.

If we stay in single file we'll make
our way into the main cavern.

It's worth pointing out that Redscar
was served with a council notice

ordering them to replace 115 yards
of faulty wiring.

Put it this way: I wouldn't like to get
caught down there in a thunderstorm,

and no amount of trilobites in
Perspex or stegosaurus pencil tops

is going to change that.

This cavern might be familiar from its
appearances on the small screen.

In 1974 you couldn't move down here
for cyber men.

In an amusing incident Tom Baker
sprained his ankle on that rock there.

This goes to show
how easy the accidents happen.

We've had all the celebrities down here,

including the late Don Henderson
of Bullman fame.

The Chuckle Brothers - you may have
seen the autograph in the ticket booth.

And Michael Buerk and the 999 team.

At this stage I like to raise
the subject of darkness.

There's nothing like the darkness
down in the caves,

and to illustrate this we turn out
all the lights for a few moments.

I myself am not fond of the darkness.
I sleep with the lights on now.

It's in the darkness I see the boy's face.

Eyes protruding, tongue out, black.

Here are the limestone formations
for which Stump Hole is famous.

Used to be famous...

The lads have given them names,
depending on what they look like.

Here we have Santa Claus.

His beard and sack.

The Wombles. The sediment
forms the brim of Orinoco's hat.

The specimen jar, the toffee apple

and Errol Flynn.

This one over here... People say
it doesn't look like anything at all,

but I don't know. I see a little pair of hands

clutching at a slippery, wet rope,
sliding down into the dark water.

Sometimes I'll stand here for hours...

...just looking at it.

That concludes the main part
of the tour, if you'll follow me.

Michael Buerk did say to me:

"Mick, you can't go on blaming
yourself, it wasn't your fault."

But I don't know. Young kiddie
like that, whole life ahead of him.

"School trip tragedy, local man blamed."

Every day the same. Parade of blank faces.

The constant drip, drip from the cavern roof.

The cold indifference of the ancient rock.

But you keep going, don't you?

It's like the moss growing around
that little light-bulb there.

Life finds a way.

Look at that skein of iron oxide.

You wouldn't find anything like that in Redscar.

Remember the guide on your way out.

Thank you.

- Come on, Ali. It's boring this.
- Give it a chance.

It might be really, really good.

Name one foreign film that's ever
been really good ever.

La Bamba!

(STARTS SINGING LA BAMBA)

Sos.

- What's happening, then?
- You read it, don't yer?

You don't come to pictures to read,
you don't watch films in libraries.

You can. They've got videos. Weary ones.

Who's she?

- Who?
- Her. I recognise her.

- Did she go to our school?
- No, she were in a film.

She was in that Trois Couleurs Bleu. It was
on Barry Norman.

- This is it.
- Trois Couleurs Bleu?

This is meant to be good this.
Apparently there's this one bit...

Will you be quiet! I can't hear a bloody word.

- You don't have to, you read it.
- It's not a bluey.

- You're in wrong bloody film.
- If you don't like it, leave.

- If you don't like it, leave!
- Shhh!

Neither do I. It's a bit far-fetched.

- Hi.
- Barbara, thank God you're here.

BENJAMIN: I've been desperate
to do this ever since I arrived.

BENJAMIN: It's been really hard
since I last saw you.

Has it really? We'll have to do
something about that, won't we?

That comes with best wishes from
the lads at Rotherham Plastics.

Next I'm sure we'd all like to show our
appreciation to our master butcher.

Mr Hilary Briss.

I don't know what he puts in his
sausages, but I've never tasted finer.

Hilary, you didn't?

As Mike's best man I've got to say
something about his achievements.

So I won't be long.

MIKE: Watch it, pal!

His lovely bride, Cheryl,
has asked me to keep it quick.

- Which is what she's used to.
- That's right, Cheryl.

Sauce, eh? Sauce.

All right. Mike is my best friend in the world.

I've known him since school, in fact,
and on and off ever since.

We used to sit together in maths,
we were a right double act.

The terrible twosome.

They tried to split us up, but we
always sneaked back together.

To stop us laughing and joking

they had to move me into
a lower stream with all the remedials.

In art the teacher preferred
his drawing of a trainer to mine.

"Such detail", she said.
It was my pencil he drew it with.

Ha, ha, ha!

Those were the days, eh, Mike?

Happiest days of our lives.

We left St Mark's at the same time,
started in the same company.

- Same office for a while.
- Tell him about the...

Mike was quickly head-hunted.

And I've watched him

from that same little office,
rise and rise through the ranks

to the position he holds today: My boss!

Who would have thought that stuck-up
little boy would be ticking me off

for not sending them faxes that night!

I can't believe it.

You work your fingers to the bone, and...

Anyway, I'm getting off the point.

It's about this time that Mike
is screwing my wife to be, Katy.

No, Cheryl, you're not part of the story yet.

Who wants to see the things finally
going in my favour for a change?

Because in '87 both our mums
got really ill at the same time.

Mine, thank God, got better,
but yours died, didn't she, Mike?

Didn't she?

Yeah! Your mum died, and mine didn't.

I won that.

At least I won the mums!

It's a sorry affair this.
Reminds me of my wedding day.

And if she were here now
my Katy would agree with me.

But she's not here now.

Because she left me.

Didn't she, Brian?

You know I've got this gun!

Sometimes it would be so easy just to finish it.

Right, Brian?

Come on now, Geoff.

Fair dos, eh?

Sit down now.

I hate you, Mike!

I hate your success and your suits
and your beautiful wife.

Katy.

Is she happy, Brian?

Yeah.

But it's Mike and Cheryl's day.

Charge your glasses, please. Join me in a toast.

To the happy couple!

(MURMURS) Happy couple...

BENJAMIN: What are you doing?

BARBARA: I've never done this before.

- Done what?
- Let's have some music, shall we?

BARBARA: Shift up.

BENJAMIN: What are you doing?
What's that?!

Don't worry, love. That's just the handbrake.

Barbara, no!

BARBARA: You see, when you buy a car

you don't go for
the first one in the lot, do you?

No, you want to see under the hood,

fiddle with the points,

check if she slips easily into reverse.

I don't know what you're talking about!

I'm not wearing any knickers, Ben.
Give me your hands.

- Please, Barbara!
- Come on!

You tell me that's not
as good as the real thing, eh?

Let go of my head, what if somebody sees?

No-one will see. Come on! Mmmm!

- No, Barbara, I've got a girlfriend.
- Eh?

I'm sorry, I'm already spoken for.

I thought when you said you
wanted to go with me, you meant...

I meant to the station.

I want to leave! There's been a
misunderstanding, Barbara. I'm sorry.

BARBARA: I feel such a fool.

Look, you're a lovely...

- If I wasn't seeing someone else...
- Don't, Ben.

You'd better go now.

- You can't just leave me here.
- You know I'm having the operation.

- What am I meant to do?
- It was worth a try, wasn't it?

Barbara!

Please!

Shit!

Hilary! Hilary.

Who is it? What's going on?

It's me, Hilary. Morris.

What is it? It's four in the morning.

- Let me in, it's important.
- Quiet, don't wake Mrs Briss.

Have you got something for me?

- What do you mean?
- You know bloody well what I mean.

- Oh, you've changed your tune.
- Can you give me a little bit more?

I'm a respectable butcher, I keep
regular hours. Come back tomorrow.

Please...

Please, Hilary!

I'm... hungry!

All right, Morris. Just this once.

I'll do you a favour.

Thank you.

MAN: Ohhh...

Ohhh...

I want more.

If you can do me a favour sometime.

Excuse me, could you...?

Of course.

Actually, it's just a bit further. Thanks.