The League of Gentlemen (1999–2017): Season 1, Episode 4 - The Beast of Royston Vasey - full transcript

Go to John Glover, tell her I love her
at the light of the moon I'll come to her

Go to John Glover, tell her I love her
at the light of the moon I'll come to her

Come on, guys! In the round. Go to
John Glover, go to John Glover...

- We're lost, aren't we, Phil?
- I'm not sure.

You're the one with the map. This isn't a road.

It's hard to tell, we're underneath this staple.

What's this?

This is where the road's meant to be.

Shall we see if we can help, Ollie?

Best not, Dave. We'll only be late for the kids.

Always be professional.



The kids will respect you for that.

Go to John Glover and tell her I love her...

DAVE: Shut up!

Did the plan work, Edward?

Yes, Tubbs. The plan worked beautifully.

POSTBOX: Thank you for posting
a letter inside me.

Come on, girl. Do your business.

- Hi, Grace.
- Morning, Grace.

Mr Chinnery.

Your entire zoo?
How many animals did you lose?

Three.

Pickles the chimp was from my brother-in-law.

The goat was from a gypsy in Tadcaster,

and the pig was a favour
from a farmer in Scoles.



I've got nothing now.

The pig was there,
the chimp was there. It's all gone.

Everything's gone.

- Read the map and drive.
- The map's not my responsibility.

- Now where? Left or right?
- It has to be left.

For crying out loud! Straight ahead? Right.

There's a man sitting next to you.

Not another man, me, I am.
I thought you ought to know.

- Thank you.
- Oh, it's all right.

- It's a lovely day.
- Yes.

No, I'm telling you it's a lovely day.

Hardly any clouds in the sky.

You are in a park on a bench
talking to a man - me.

- Am I shouting? Am I shouting?!
- A little, yes.

I thought so.

I expect your ears are more finely
tuned than a healthy person's.

- They are important, yes.
- Keep your specs on for one thing.

They forecast rain again later this afternoon.

- I beg your pardon?
- It will rain again this afternoon.

How do you know? Did they write it
down for you in that bumpy writing?

- No, it was on the television.
- Oh...

Good, good for you.

Do you watch a lot of...
No, it's all repeats anyway.

It's nothing you haven't seen before.

- You should get yourself a video.
- I've got one, actually.

Then you can tape stuff and listen to it.

Or else keep it, in case one day...

Who knows?

They can put pigs' livers inside you
nowadays, imagine that.

A pig's liver instead of a human's.

So, you know, they might find some way of...

I saw this Tales of the Unexpected once,

and it was just this eye on a stalk.

A brain and an eye on a stalk
in a big glass tank.

If you're lucky, one day that could be you.

If I'm lucky?

Well, listen to me, eh...

I must be going.

It's nice to meet you anyway.

I'm behind you now.

I'm going. Ta-ta!

How do you shave?

I bet you cut yourself a lot, don't you?

Is that why you see
so many bearded... sightless?

They always look a mess, don't they?

Dandruff and crumbs in the beard.
Mum used to point at them and say:

"That'll happen to you
if you keep on fiddling with yourself."

Didn't stop me, though.

I expect you get lonely, don't you?
Rattling around all day in your house.

Your hostel. Locked in your own thoughts.

You do better going for a little walk.

As I say, it's all repeats, and who knows.

You might even meet another...

I mean, look at me.

Was it something I said?

Did you have a nice holiday, Mrs Levinson?

Oh, Barbara. It was utter paradise.

Eddie said it's like being in a Bounty advert.

I really should get my bikini line waxed.

So, anything been going on around here?

Have you not heard about
the beast of Royston Vasey?

Oh now, Barbara. People can be very cruel.

Not me. They dug something up
working on the new road.

Stop it, you're giving me the willies.

You're welcome to mine.
It's coming off in a fortnight anyway.

Right, what have we got here, then.

- I have to warn you, Mr Chinnery.
- Don't worry, inspector.

I'm used to seeing nature red in tooth and claw.

You cowards! You whoremongers!

Idolaters, liars!

Your place is in the lake of fire and sulphur,

where you will die the second death.

The death that burns and tears for all eternity.

So... Think on.

Shut up!

They've arrived.

Did you know that this afternoon
some of you will be watching a play

instead of doing proper lessons.

It's going to be performed by
Legz Akimbo Theatre Company,

and it's a show about homosexuality
aimed at nine to twelve year olds.

Some people call this Theatre in Education.

I call it Aids in a Van.

Aye. Adultery.

My finest specimens.

Sonny and Cher.

Soon I'll enter them in
the annual croaker parade.

They've been nurtured carefully
for the past nine months.

Fed exclusively on Lollo Rosso
and smoked mackerel.

Now I feel the toad breeder's shield
is finally within my grasp.

Uncle Harvey, you're not listening.
I'm going back to London.

- Impossible.
- You're looking after the girls tonight.

In this house guests are expected
to baby-sit once during their stay.

You never mentioned that.

If you'd spent a little less time

cavorting with Madame Palm
and her five lovely daughters...

...you'd be a little more alert.

Well, I'm going. I've got the ticket.

Splendid. That's settled, then.

Chloe and Radcliffe will be so thrilled.

Benjamin!

One other thing.

While you're walking around
the house, would you wear these?

We use them on Wednesdays.
They restore the weft of the carpets.

OK, everyone. Thanks very much. Um...

Good morning! We are
Legz Akimbo Theatre Company.

You may remember us
from a couple of Christmases ago.

We did White Chocolate, a play about racism.

We're back to present our new piece
on sexuality, called Everybody Out!

My name is Ollie Plimsoles.
I'll get your names in a minute,

because there are far too many of you.

- This is...
- Phil.

- And...
- Dave.

- We'll do forum work on sexuality.
- Can I just say, before we start.

We'll be losing Phil at the end of the month.

It's sad to see him go,
but he's been plucked for stardom.

He's now a proper actor, so we're
releasing him from his contract,

and he's going off to do telly and radio
and all sorts of exciting things.

- When did this happen?
- Last week.

OLLIE: Remember that face, 'cause if
you see him on the telly you can say:

"He came to our school, he was
in that good play about issues

with that Legz-a-what's-it theatre
company. I liked him in that,

but he's out if his depth in this.
He's rubbish in this.

Turn it off, I don't want to watch it."

Thanks, Ollie.

- Who was the casting director?
- Paul Alexander.

That old queen, how did you...? Oh, right.

Make room for the little fat one. That's it.

OK, who's got a secret?

Who's got a really great secret
only they know about?

- I have.
- Dave...

Who's got a secret that they don't
think they can tell anyone else?

What kind of secret would that be,
I wonder. Any ideas?

No? What if you did a crime?
That would be a secret, wouldn't it?

Or you're a secret smoker, you take
off for a fag behind the bike shed.

But what about if you're gay?

There's a few giggles. Hands up.

Who's gay? I'm not.

It's a hard one, isn't it,
a hard one to admit to, but

I bet you there are some gays in this room.

There's at least one that I know of.

Sexuality is a very broad church, you know.

It's like anything else that's... like that.

- Tolerance is very important.
- Yeah.

A lot of people often forget that gays
are ordinary, normal, healthy guys.

Dykes on the other hand are evil.

Picture a scene. You find your wife
Linda in bed with another man.

- Ollie, let's do some...
- But it's not actually a man.

It's a big fat lezzer wearing
my slippers and smoking my pipe!

Don't touch me, you poof!

- Do you want to take a break?
- I'm fine!

Where was I? Tolerance!
You have to talk to work things out.

I spoke with my wife Linda.
I'm not man enough for her,

so now she lives with a female Geoff Capes.

It's a process, and understanding
people is part of the hidden

horrors of relationships. I'm not
going back there! Big bitches!

Ollie...?

Right, any questions?

Subject appears to be animal.

Ursine features...

...but ostensibly...

...simian. May I have a glass of water, please?

- OVER RADIO: Sir.?
- Not now.

Also elements of a ruminant or ovine anatomy.

Anthropoidal nature
of the subject suggests some

gross distortion of a known genus.

OVER RADIO: Sir.?

I can only conclude that we have
been confronted by a new species,

some form of monstrous basilisk,

the like of which the world has never seen.

Sir, sorry to bother you. Got this
zoo feller here. Lost his animals.

You haven't seen a goat,
a pig and a chimp anywhere.?

Come on. Back to work, everyone.

Oh, yeah.

Did the plan fail, Edward?

Mr Scarecrow, you look messy.
Your head's all out of shape.

One day I'll ask Mummy to make you
a new coat and trousers.

Then you won't look so scruffy and horrid.

Hey! Hey, you Denton girls.
What's your business?

You're always mithering my scarecrow.

That's because he's a special friend, Mr Tinsel.

He must get lonely and hungry.

Oh, no. You mustn't worry about him.

He's only a thing of cloth and straw.

Go back to your school trip.
They shouldn't let you wander off.

Ha, ha, ha!

Oh dear. Them young lasses
have made a mess of your head.

Mmmm...

Did you know it's your third
anniversary coming up this Sunday?

That's right, three weeks in the ten acre field.

What have you got to say about that, Andrew?

Please... Please, Mr Tinsel, let me go.

When you're doing such a fine job
keeping the crows off my turnips?

I don't think so, Andrew.

Maybe next month, eh?

At least leave the bag off for a while.

Oh, I'm not sure about that.

Please!

All right. I dare say
a bit of fresh air will do you good.

I'll go and take a walk down to the reservoir,

but don't try any of that screaming.

I've got me gun.

God... Oh, God!

Oh, my God! Girls, girls! Come here!

Girls, come here! Come here, come here! Quick!

Look, there isn't much time.
I need you to get some help.

What kind of help, Mr Wood?

Wha...? You know who I am?

Of course we do. You're Mr Wood
from the cash and carry.

Farmer Tinsel has kept you
imprisoned here for ages,

because you slept with his wife.

She thinks you deserted her, but
you've been in the field all this time.

Eh?

So let's get this back on your head.

No! Please... Please, help me!

Oh, aren't you noisy?

You see, Mr Scarecrow, you're a special friend,

and you wouldn't be if you went away.

MR WOOD: Aaahhh!

- Hey, Luigi!
- We're back again.

- Can't keep away, eh?
- She burned me dinner again.

- Take no notice.
- The fire brigade came.

- He's lying, Luigi.
- Table for two?

- Me toy boy's coming.
- I'll give her a toy boy...

- I wish you would.
- Save me a bloody fortune.

- Can I get you some drinks?
- I want sangria.

No, no, no. Just pick her out
a nice bottle of red, Luigi.

Oh, and Luigi, put the Gypsy Kings on.

- Yeah, I like them, Luigi.
- She's bloody hot, look.

I'll go and see if I have it.

It's quiet.

Here he comes.

- Back from me holidays.
- She'll be on tables next.

- I was, you know, in Tenerifi.
- It's Tenerife.

Did you hear that, Charlie.
He called me Madame.

- Well. Thanks, Luigi.
- He wants a bib.

- Big baby.
- Shut up!

- Calamares, is that salad, lemon?
- Si, senor.

- What is it, Luigi?
- Squid, Stella, you won't like it.

I'm asking Luigi. Anyway, I might.

She won't. I took her on holiday,
two star hotel, full board.

- Don't listen to him, Luigi.
- She stayed in the bathroom.

- I didn't, Luigi.
- Flaming knickers round her ankles.

I bring the wine, eh?

- Stella...
- Drop dead.

- Luigi!
- Where have you been, Luigi?

- Stay single.
- Have you come to cheer us up?

- It's not worth it.
- Have you...?

You tell me how it's possible to put
20,000 pesetas in a slot machine.

- Save your breath, Luigi.
- Ask why she had to leave her job.

- I loved that little job.
- And where my 250 went.

- I did it out of boredom, I get bored.
- I should never have married her.

- I have to get out the house.
- I've fallen out of love with her.

- I'm still a woman.
- Make something happen!

- Please, Luigi!
- Luigi, please!

Me name's not Luigi.

It's Carl.

I'm sorry.

- Didn't he say his name was Luigi?
- Aye, well...

- Are you OK, Ollie?
- I'm fine.

Don't forget the music in the disco scene.

I'm fine!

Mum said I was artistic. I thought
she meant I was good at drawing,

but then I always was a sensitive kid.

Even at school I knew I was different
from the other boys.

- They was interested in football.
- Yey!

- And girls.
- Argh!

But I liked books and dolls.

- Poof!
- Queen!

- Mary.
- Homo!

- Nancy!
- Linda...

I used to walk the streets for hours
thinking about what they'd said.

What was wrong with me? Why was I different?

That's when I saw it. The nightclub Gloria's.

I pushed open the door, went inside,
and danced the night away.

Danced the night away.

OLLIE: All right!

- Hey, haven't seen you before.
- I'm not gay.

That's cool, I'm not judging you.

We get all kinds in here.
Gays, straights, lesbians.

Ollie!

Gloria's is a fun place, as long as
you're careful and over 18. See ya!

I left Gloria's with me head spinning.

I couldn't wait to tell all me pals.

Then I realised. How could I tell them?

I felt like I was on trial
at the blooming Old Bailey.

BACKSTAGE: Will the court rise for
his honour Judge Society.

Johnny, you stand accused of
being gay. How do you plead?

Not guilty. No, guilty! Why are you judging me?

What about Aids?

Stop!

It did seem like a nightmare,
but that was a few weeks ago.

- You hurt me.
- Put me down.

Then, like in fairytale,
we all lived happily ever after.

Me, I'm happy with who I am and what I am.

If people don't like that, they can
kill themselves, like Mum did.

Come on, kids! Get clapping.
The moral of this story...

Being normal in this life
won't get you anywhere.

Phil's got a great part on telly.

Not because he's talented, he's not.
He bums the director.

Yeah, Phil. I'm not stupid.
People like me and Dave plod on...

- Don't, Ollie.
- I'm telling how dedicated we are.

I'm leaving Legz Akimbo.

- What?!
- I've had enough.

If Phil's going, I'm going.

Why are you doing this, Dave?

I just can't stand you, Ollie.

I'm sorry.

Great.

Excuse me a moment.
I think I'm going to be sick.

Benjamin, we can't sleep. Can we play a game?

Really girls, you should be in bed.
It's too late to play.

Please, play with us.

I promised your parents
I'd make sure you didn't get up.

Please, please!

No! Now, go to bed.

If you don't play with us,
we'll tell Daddy of you.

- What do you mean?
- That you did something naughty.

Like what?

Shaking hands with the governor of love.

Don't be silly. He won't believe that.

He will. We know how to say it
to make it sound real.

You wouldn't want to make him angry.

We once saw him beat a man till
both him and the man were crying.

I'm not going to let you blackmail me.
I've told you, go to bed!

- Aaahhh!
- All right, all right.

We'll play a game, but just for a bit.

Radcliffe, fetch the blindfold. We're
going to play Wind in the Willows.

One, two, three, five, twelvety six, ten...

Oh, there are too many, Edward.

There's been a local shop
on this site for generations.

Now this new road, oh,
what are we going to do?

We could kill them all.

Tubbs, you're good-hearted.

There are too many.

Look, Edward, a shooting star.
Shall we make a wish?

Yes, Tubbs.

I wish... I wish for an end
to this plague of strangers,

for our futures to remain local,

and for new road to be totally destroyed.

Can I have a new dress, please?

BENJAMIN: All right, calm down!

Stop shouting!

All right, calm down.

Stop shouting,
I don't know what you're talking about.

I don't think you should be... I'll tell
your Mummy and Daddy on you.

Stop it!

(FIZZING SOUND)

What's going on? Now calm down.

What's happening?

Oh, hello.

We were just...

...playing piggy in the middle.

Sonny!

My Sonny!

- Where's Cher?
- I didn't...

(SQUASHING SOUND)

Oh, God!

BENJAMIN: I'm sorry.