The League (2009–2015): Season 7, Episode 2 - The Draft of Innocence - full transcript

No, no, no,
you're gonna love this place.

It's not Brazilian,
it's Portuguese.

What's the difference?

There's no cassava.

Guys, you're gonna love it.
All right...

I'm...

I believe I have the
6:30 to 7:30 shift.

You do. Andre, it's time to go.

Have you guys met?
Pete, this is Andre.

He's putting his weird little
wizzle into your ex-wife.

You know what?
It's fine.



I'm gonna leave.
I have a date anyway with...

Uh-uh, dah, dah, dah.
Well, can I at least just tell you

that it's a pop-up
restaurant celebrating cumin?

No. No, no, you cannot.
Okay, well, it is.

Thank you.

Can we please make sure

that person is gone
before I arrive? Thank you.

I will try,
but, I mean, it's August.

How long is this thing
gonna go on for?

Pete, Ndamukong Suh
is on the Dolphins.

Jimmy Graham is on the Seahawks.

Meegan is on the Andres.
Don't want to hear it.

Maybe you're just upset that
she's upgraded at the position.

No, I'm upset because this whole
thing makes me look bad, okay?



Years ago,

I climbed Mount Meegan
when that meant something.

But now, apparently,
anyone with an Ed Hardy parka

and, like, DeLeón Tequila
carabiners can just mount her?

Well, maybe it's just that you
and Andre are Meegan's type.

That's my problem.
Her being interested in him

makes me retroactively douchey.

No. No.
No. Peter, you are actively douchey.

Yeah, proactively.

Coming in hot.
Gorgeous.

All right, now
that we got food,

it is time to pick
the draft order.

Let's do this!
Hey, Russell, how you been, man?

How's that sex addiction
treating you?

Just trying to take it
one day at a time,

which is all I can do.

That and, of course, stay away

from cheese, especially
Manchego, that... temptress.

Let's get back

to the draft order, please.

Your champion... has arrived!

Please put away
that unsightly helmet.

This year, we'll be

choosing our order
from one of my

lucky fedoras.

Kevin, tell Andre
we don't need a hat

and that I will be
drafting first

because you all lied to me.

Kevin, can you
please tell Peter

that I did not lie to him about
my relationship with Meegan.

And my relationship has nothing
to do with our draft order.

Ruxin, would you ask Andre
to forgive me?

I have a hard time trusting him
when he put a knife in my heart.

Andre, Pete says

that that sweatshirt vest
makes you look

like a moderately successful

Vine star.

Ruxin, please tell Peter

that a moderately successful
Vine star is still a force

to be reckoned with
in this new social media world.

No.
Okay, Jenny, will you explain the...?

No.
Kev...

What do you think, bro?

Okay, how about this?

Will you sing a battle rap?

You're smarter than that, Andre.

Put your phone away.
It'll be like you're in 8 Mile.

- Hey, guys.
- Thank you, Taco.

I appreciate it very much.

Andre, can you tell Pete
that choosing

him over Andre
was a no-brainer?

Works for me.

This year I
want to propose a few

rule changes. We talked about
doing an auction-style draft.

- Correct? Everyone's into that?
- Yes.

Yeah, let's do it.
Yeah. Good.

And the draft is September 5.

Mark your calendars,
because this year,

we're going back

in time to the 1890s to

the Gilded Age!

Ugh.
Ugh. No.

Theme draft?

And everyone must come
in appropriate attire.

No.
Costumes?

I love the '90s.
I'm gonna go as Kurt Cobain.

No, no. 1890s.

You know, the draft is
my favorite day of the year,

and now I don't even want
to attend.

Ruxin, would you please
tell Andre

he's the Grinch
of fantasy football?

Andre, Pete says that you are

the metrosexual plastic
surgeon who stole draft day.

I assume you all will be there, though.
Oh, no.

I'm gonna have to do
it over speakerphone.

I would love to spend
15 rounds with you guys

in period costumes,
but I'm supposed to go

to Wisconsin that weekend
to see some friends.

Wisconsin? A lot
of cheese there, huh?

Is there? I-I wouldn't know.

There's a whole week there

called Cheese-a-Palooza,
I believe.

Is that a real event? Because
no one told me about that.

I don't understand.

You specifically told me you
were going tor Cheese-a-Palooza.

Shut your mouth, Taco.

This whole thing
makes no sense.

How is she with him?

How does she not know
the Andre we know?

The same one who video blogs
about Don Henley and magic...

Oh.
...and gets his arm stuck in toilets and

ends up in an abusive
relationship with his cat.

Don't worry about it. She's
gonna find all that out.

I'm... Well, I...
Gentlemen,

as you know, I've been
incubating my next big idea

in my Taco Tank.

You mean hot boxing
in a storage container?

After careful study of eating,

Taco Tank has discovered that
over the past few centuries,

there have been many
advances in food technology.

However, there have
been very few advances

in napkin technology.

Oh, I thought
this was gonna be stupid.

Introducing...
the napkin glove.

Put it on when
you're having a meal.

And what's that?

You got a little spaghetti sauce
on your mouth?

No problem.

Tada! All clean.

Pathetic patent pending.
But that's not all.

It comes in a variety
of styles and colors.

Great work, Steve No Jobs.

So, Kevin, are you busy tonight?
You want to do something?

I can't tonight. I have
a school fund-raiser.

Cheers.

To our first couples dinner.

Cheers. Cheers, everybody.

Amazing. I think I have to do
a toast to our first toast.

Yeah, I can do...
toast to our first toast.

- Cheers!
- Cheers.

Did you talk to Pete
about tonight?

No. This night never happened.

I wish this night
never happened.

I told him we were
at a parent-teacher conference.

I told him we were at a fund-raiser.
Why would you tell him that?

Because I want him to
think we have money.

Meegan, it makes me
so happy to see you happy.

Yes.
Oh, thank you. You know what?

I really am.
I am. We just have

so much in common. We both...
I know.

...love costumes.
Oh, my gosh.

We love theme nights,
and we love...

- Accents.
- Oh.

Oh.
Oh, we're super good at it.

She puts my Cockney to shame.

It's not the only
place she puts it.

Actually, you guys,

the thing that I love most...
Mm-hmm.

...about this guy...

His multiple malpractice suits?

We're both sapiosexual.
Yeah.

Sapiosexual.

I'm sorry.
What's that?

Oh, it's when one
partner likes to stick

their finger...
No. No, no no.

That's what I thought it was.

Sapiosexual means
that the most attractive feature

that we find in each other
is our intelligence.

Mmm... boom.

Is it possible that she has
made Andre more annoying?

I think it is.

- Yes. Boom!
- Hey, guys, guys?

A little fearless feedback--
it's not gonna work.

No.
Yeah, not with you two.

- What?
- Yeah.

Bread for the table?
Oh.

No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.

You're never gonna lose
weight eating like that.

Ruxin, what's wrong?
No bread?

He's just a little gordito.

We can't see
his wee-wee.

- We can see it.
- So,

are you guys excited?
Because it's almost draft time!

What, what, what?!

I can't believe that you are
into fantasy football now.

So into it.
That's crazy.

Sofia, you've got to do it.

Really?
Yes. Nah.

Oh, my God, it's so much fun!

What do you think?
Nah.

Guys, couples league.

- Aah.
- Yes!

That would be so fun!

- Aah!
- My lady

kills it in fantasy.
Oh.

Honey, drop some knowledge
on them.

I think that you guys are insane
to go running back,

running back with your

first two picks.

What I would suggest
doing is going

wide receiver, wide receiver.

Where was that shit
seven years ago?

You should check
out her mock drafts.

- She's killing it.
- You know, Meegan,

Andre was telling us about
his plans for the draft.

We didn't realize you two
were so into the Gilded Age.

Ah.

The Gilded Age.
Age.

We just love it!

Oh, and you know
what? Andre has been

studying the ancient art
of bartitsu.

Bartitsu.

I can't put my finger
on the language,

but I believe it means
"ultimate sadness."

More like
"ultimate gentlemen fighting."

See, it's the Victorian art
of self-defense.

And a true gentlemen
must be able to defend himself

only with the items
on his person.

Be they...
A cane.

Be they...
A parasol.

- Be they...
- A snuffbox.

So it's like kung fool.

Or tae kwon douche.

Ooh, dinner is served.
A toast to our first dinn...

Oh.
No. No, no. No, no.

Fresh ground pepper, sir?

Uh, yes, please.
Say when.

You know what? Why don't
you just leave it here?

I can't do that,
sir, but I'd be happy

to give you as
much as you'd like.

Well, I might want more later,

so how about you just leave
the grinder on the table,

and I'll just use it at my whim?

Oh, if you want more
pepper later, you can use

the pepper that's on the table.
That's what it's there for.

That's the trash pepper, and
that's why it's on the table.

You got the good stuff,
and I want to be

in control of the good stuff.

Well, I can't leave
it here. I'm sorry.

Honey, I think you've had enough pepper.
Quiet.

I see that waitress right there.
She's grating cheese.

Am I gonna have to go through
the same rigmarole

when I want some cheese?

With all due respect, sir,

going to a restaurant
is itself a rigmarole.

If you don't want the pomp
and circumstance of being

served by professional
wait staff, you can go home

and eat cat food over the toilet
for all I care,

but while you're here,
I will grind your pepper.

You know what, I've overreacted.

You're the king of the grinder.

I'd like a little more, please.

Say when, sir.

No!

I say when. I say when.
I say when. I say when.

I say when! I say when!
I say when! I say when!

Would anyone else like any fresh
ground pepper on their entree?

No.

That waiter was a psychopath, the way
Oh, my God.

he kept staring at us all night.

I wanted pepper on everything,

and I was too afraid to
ask him for...

Oh, my God!
Me, too. Oh, my God!

Sorry to scare you.
It's just me, the seventh wheel.

Pete...
No... No, Pete.

That's not true. No?
No.

Where you been?

We were...
we were on a date.

We were dating.

Oh, really?
'Cause I thought it was...

a parent-teacher conference.

Or maybe
a fund-raiser.

I mean, come on, Kevin, you
don't have that kind of money.

How could you go
to dinner with them?

What's your excuse? Let me
hear it. It better be good.

Well, they invited us.
I was just hungry.

You just bought yourselves two
one-way tickets off Team Pete.

Now go to your room.

What? What, you're
just gonna hang out here?

Well, SportCenter's on.
He said go

to your room!
Oh, my God!

And when Tall Guy says,

"Go to your room,"
you go to your room.

You're in trouble.

What are you doing here, Rafi?

Um, just hanging out

behind the couch, like normal.

But I'm also mad, because I
wasn't invited to dinner either.

Rafi, it was a couples dinner.

So? I could've brought
my very serious girlfriend.

What?
Who?

Have you guys not met Margaret?

Oh, my God.

It's very serious.

But is it consensual?

This was.

- This wasn't.
- Oh, God.

Okay. Let's go to bed.
You know what, let's all go to bed.

All go in the room.

We talked about it afterwards,
and she said it felt good.

They loved you.

Ooh.

"Andre and Meegan invite you
to the Draft of Innocence"?

"Prepare yourself
for an Oscar Wilde night.

Please RSVP for you
and your guest"?

A plus-one?

I got to bring Sofia?

Andre, you rancid ass cookie.

During the draft,

you have to make sure
that you take the time

to explain everything to me.
Uh-huh.

'Cause I really want to help.
I really want to participate.

And you've done, like,
a little bit of research?

No, I haven't done research.
It's just a football draft.

You do a pick,

then I do a pick.

So you want to alternate picks.
Yeah. Also, you have to promise me

that if I get bored in the
middle of it or if I don't like

the food or something like that,
that we can just go to dinner.

So you want to leave
in the middle of the draft.

Yeah. Your friends can do
that picky thing for you.

And who would you suggest
would pick my team?

Oh. You get Andre to do it. He
loves you, and he's the champ.

I'm gonna get dressed.
It's gonna be fun.

And we're gonna be a little late.
What?

Yeah. If we miss the first three rounds,

there's still 12 left.

Hola, Mami. ¿Cómo está?

Yeah, 'cause there are
no important picks

in the first three rounds.

I need my stress meds.

Mmm. Mmm.

Mmm. Mmm. Hmm?
No! Papi!

My papi. My papi had a stroke.

What? Oh.
He's in the hospital. Mami wants me

to go to Puerto Rico
right now with Geoffrey.

So does that mean that
you're gonna miss the draft?

Papi's in the hospital! I'm gonna
have to do all the picks on my own?

Oh, God!

Thank you.

Okay, well, let's get you
packed, have some good-bye sex,

and go to the airport.

Let's not worry
about whether you finish or not.

You have so much on your mind.

Welcome

to the Draft of Innocence.

There'll be romance...
Intrigue...

And old-timey drinks.
Old-timey drinks.

Andre, you couldn't rent out
the whole place?

I ran into someone I work
with at the valet. Taco,

did you perm your hair?

Andre had his hair guy sent
to my apartment this morning.

What? Why do you have
a hair guy?

I love Boris.
Oh, gosh.

And your costume is amazing.

There's no zipper in the
pants. So I just go, right?

No, Taco, we have to return them.

Oh. Well, I'd return 'em in a plastic bag.
Okay. Well,

there's Sazerac in the lounge.

Enjoy yourself.

Later I'm gonna clean
your urethra with this thing.

Say it in a Cockney accent.

Pete!

Hi! Welcome.
Hello.

Listen, guys,
I want to apologize

for how off I've been
these past few months. I mean,

it's been a lot
for me to digest,

and I just want to say
I wish you guys the best.

Thank you. That's so great.
Oh.

Okay. Oh, cane, cane, cane!
Get in here. Get in here. Get in here.

Andre, cane, cane. Okay, okay.
All right.

- Anyhow, the way I see it is,
this is a draft. Let's have fun. - Exactly.

- So much fun. - All right, guys, see
you inside. Oh, yeah, no, uh, one thing.

The invite had a plus-one, so...
Yes.

I brought a date,
if that's okay.

That's fantastic.
Love it.

Ah! What's up, dildos?!

Rafi. What?

Who are you?

Uh, that's actually
my girlfriend.

For the evening, right?
How much you paying

for this experience?
I'm not paying for any of it.

What? No.
My name is Meegan.

Hello, Meegan.

Me Rafi.

Tell you what,
why don't we go get some food.

What were you saying about
those oysters on the way over?

Ooh, I love oysters.

'Cause it's like little
salty pussies on a shell.

Mmm.

Just pick 'em up and I,
like, get in there, like, mmm.

Mmm. But I don't eat 'em.
'Cause they're gross.

So I put 'em back.

Okay. You know what, why don't
you go into the sitting room.

Get-get into the sitting room.
Get to it, buddy.

All right. I'll
talk to you later.

Thanks for inviting me, bro.
Hey, who wants to fight?!

I know that you think this is
a hilarious prank, but it's not.

It's gonna backfire
right in your face.

I don't have a problem
with your date.

You shouldn't have a problem
with mine.

Mmm.
Enjoy.

Mmm.

- Hey, guys.
- Ruxin,

I'm so sorry about
your father-in-law.

Yeah, he gave us a real scare.

Thought I was gonna have
to draft with my wife here.

Send Sofia our best.
Yeah.

We all cope in our own way.

All right, it's time to draft.

Russell's gonna be
on speakerphone,

but I have not heard from Chuck.

Actually, he just sent a video.
Check it out.

Hey, guys. So sorry

but I'm gonna have to bow out
of the draft.

As you can see, I'm dealing
with some other issues.

What?
Oh, no.

I like the hat.
Yeah, I, uh,

felt a sharp pain
every time I sat in gum.

Doctors found a lump in my gum.
Turns out I have cancer

of the gum. Uh, the doctors have
given my gum six months to live.

He's gonna lose his gum.

Yeah, pack'll be empty.

I am bored.
So I'm gonna,

you know,
take that gum everywhere.

You know, I'm gonna
sit in the-the pyramids,

the Great Wall of China,
and, you know, God willing,

Ruxin's sweet, sweet head

one last time.
It's his Make-A-Wish.

Go and make that happen, Ruxin.

Enjoy the draft.

Sit in some for me, huh?

That is the most depressing
final wish I've ever heard.

Where we gonna find
an eighth team now?

- Fine, I'll join.
- What?

We don't have time
to find an eighth guy.

Here's a thought. What
if we make it completely random,

like, we just flip a coin
for each decision?

We could call it the Coin, and
we see if we can beat Random.

Any questions we have for that
team, we just flip the Coin.

It's the Coin, yeah.
Great.

Or we can get a wolf.

Dinner is served.

Does the napkin glove go
to the left or the right

of the fish knife?

Taco, no.

As we draft, we dine.

Great. Let's go.
Time to eat.

It's not a buffet.

It's assigned seating, actually.

Ruxin, that butter
is for the entire table.

You can't take
the whole bottle of wine.

Did everyone get a napkin glove?

What's going on, Raf? No food.
Everything here

looks like shit.
Plus, I bring my own food, bro.

Oh, pocket dog. That's right.

No, this is a crotch-et dog.

Oh, got it.
I keep it in my crotch so it stays hot.

Now, I have only one thing
to say to you.

What?
Huh?

I'm sorry, who?

- Can't understand you.
- Can't understand you.

Le'Veon Bell, Le'Veon Bell.

Five dollars.
Five dollars, okay, do I see ten?

Ten.
Ten. Do I see 15?

15. Do I see 20?
20.

I see 20, do I see 25?
25.

I see 25, do I see 30?

$35.
$35.

Do I see 40?
40.

$40. Do I see 45?

A dollar.
A dollar.

Taco, this is not how it works.

Sorry.
What is a dollar?

45.
47.

47. Do I see 50?

Sold to Pete Eckhart!

And now may my sticker maiden
place the name on the board.

Jamaal Charles.
I got my Gronk.

My Gronki-Gronk.
LeShaun McCoy, sold

to the Shit Pail!

Oh, yeah!
Suck it!

- Oh, my God.
- Ugh.

We got Amari Cooper.

Nice pick.

Yeah, great pick.
Oh!

Both really know how to find that hole.
Point of order--

when are we gonna stop
doing just football players,

right? Like,
w... I need

a Filipino housemaid and I need

a little Thai
he-she kid for sex.

It's not that kind of auction.

It's not?
This looks like

a bunch of white people
bidding on minorities,

- dressed in old-timey clothes.
- You, well...

This is a slave auction, Andre.
No.

We're all cool with that, right?

It's not a slave auction.

But everybody's black
on the auction block.

Not everyone is gonna be black.
They...

We're gonna get some kickers in here eventually.
Have you sold

any white people yet?

We're gonna get to it
in the later rounds.

We're...
at running backs.

No.
No.

I would like to buy
a vowel, please-- S.

S? You got to pick
a player, Taco.

Fine. Are there
any kickers left?

Yeah.
All of them.

Okay, I'll take
my Eskimo brother

Sebastian Janikowski
for one dollar.

That actually makes sense.

Any takers?
One dollar.

No one? All right,
going once, going twice.

Five dollars.

Five dollars going
once, going twice.

Still no one?
Ten dollars!

Taco... what are you doing?
What are you doing?

$12.

You got this, okay?

Who is $20?

$20 for Sebastian Janikowski,

no other takers on the table...
25.

Why are you doing this?
I'd like to phone a friend, please.

You don't need to phone a friend.
That's the wrong game.

Who would you phone?

Pete.
He's right beside you.

- You don't have to use a phone...
- Hello?

Hi, Pete.
Uh, should I go up?

If you want this player, you got to get him.
All right.

Thanks, Pete.

$150, final answer.

Really? We're
letting him do this?

Going once, going twice...

Oh, things a Cobb salad
would say!

What?
I'd like to solve the puzzle.

No, in what context
would a Cobb salad

say "going once, going twice"?

Lettuce just say that you are
bacon something egg-cellent.

That is something
a Cobb salad would say.

Nailed it. How does that feel,
you piece of garbage?

Okay, the winner

for Sebastian Janikowski
is Taco.

Yeah!

Just a reminder--

you only have 50
fantasy dollars left.

Oh, that's fine, I'll just
borrow some from Kevin.

No.
Andre, are you gonna draft anyone?

I just got too caught up
in the auctioneering.

We got to start over.

No.
So screwed.

Andre, this draft
has blown up in your face

like a firework
in Jason Pierre-Paul's hand.

Who's that?
He plays for the Giants.

Got it.

Okay. Andre, get out of the way.

I'm gonna show you idiots how it's done.

What is that?

Okay, here we go.

No, no, no, no!

Rafi... Next item on the block,

Ming Wu. Oh, my God. The hell

are you doing, man?! Come on, time
to go to work, honey, time to go to work.

Let's go. The floor is open.

I'm taking bids.

Ma'am, are you a kicker? She kicks.

Show him how you kick.

We're not auctioning off a woman.
Show him a kick.

Why? You auctioned off all these men.

Why can't I auction a woman off?

That is misogyny,

a word I was recently told.

Come on, guys, who's bidding?
Let's go, let's go.

Oh, do not start with me.

How dare you?

Ma'am, ma'am...

ma'am, I'm sorry, ma'am.

She has

put a curse on all of us.

What the hell was that, Rafi?
You know what,

I thought you guys were cool and
wanted to have an auction.

Guess not, so suck it.

Okay, can we just finish this? Yes.

Does anyone else have anyone
they'd like to auction?

Oh, yeah, I got something. Okay,
sure, go ahead. What do you got?

Whoa!

Where did you get that? No.

What is your arm doing in a toilet?

I was fishing out a contact lens.
Out of a toilet?

It was a hard contact.
You look like an extra

from A Different World.
We're not offering up personal items.

I'd like to bid ten dollars
on that picture, please.

20 to have it framed. 20.

30 to have it destroyed. 30.

40 to make a T-shirt out of it.
50 to make it my team page.

No, no, no! Pete,

I know what you're doing, okay?

And you're wrecking this
Draft of Innocence.

Oh, please, Andre, this draft
is like the Pro Bowl, okay?

Everybody's here, but frankly it sucks.

You, sir, have besmirched

my honor and the honor of my paramour.

Ooh.

I challenge you to a duel.

Ooh!

No. This is bullshit,

and I'm out of here.
Enjoy your new guy. No,

I challenge you to a duel,
you can't just walk out.

Pete, it's a duel!

Pete.

Pete, we must duel.

I don't have to do anything, Lord Andre.

I am the champion, I make the rules,

I say we duel.

You cannot besmirch someone's

honor and then not duel! I'll besmirch

the whole goddamn thing, Andre.

_

Who are they?

Yeah, I think this might have

something to do with Ming Wu.

Let me handle this. I got this.

Hi there. Uh, I think
there's been a little bit

of a misunderstanding here.

Oh! Oh... Oh, oh,

oh, shit.

My good man,

I did not want to resort
to physical violence.

But you leave me no choice. Ha!

_

Aah!

Ooh! Bartitsu!

I warned you, my good man.

A dollar.

Put your dick in his mouth, Andre!
Shame him!

Andre, he's got

a mop. Aah!

Oh!

Ooh! Oh, he's got a knife!

Yes!

Five dollars.

Somebody kill somebody!

I want to see a ghost!

Oh!

Ah...

Mm.

Mm.

This thing works pretty well.

Ooh! Whoa!

Snuffbox!

$20, final answer.

Assistance!

Here! Pocket dog?

Here!

Holy shit.

Shall we get back to the draft?

_

My hero. Our hero.

I'm switching to Team Andre.

Oh, I'm gonna be sick. So...

Are we gonna ookie-cookie

all over this guy's face, or what?