The League (2009–2015): Season 7, Episode 13 - The Great Night of Shiva - full transcript
The Shiva, the Sacko and the Snip are all for the taking; Ruxin has to make a decision that could impact his chances of winning and could tear the league apart.
Greetings, members
of the league!
Remember last week when
I ran into a former flame?
Well, it was that night I made
a very important decision.
I never wanna be
without you again. Mmm.
Oh, no, Andre. What
are you about to do?
So we went to Mexico
and tied the knot!
Wait. What?
Yeah! I'm Mrs. Meegan Nowzick!
And I don't really hate it
that much. The name, I mean.
Wow. I could've notarized it.
You know Venezuela's different
than Mexico, right? How so?
- But right now,
it's all about my lady.
- That's me.
And bam! Bam! Baby.
I never thought
I'd be embarrassed
for Vanilla Ice to be
associated with something.
♪ Why don't you join us in
a dance where you are? ♪
♪ We are robots
who are in love ♪
If that baby knows what's
good for it, it's not coming out.
So Andre and Meegan haven't been together
in months, yet now they're married?
What the hell? How
does it make you feel?
Whoa. You're not only Eskimo Brothers
with Andre, but you're Eskimo husbands too.
Hey, did I hear Eskimo husbands?
Boom. Someone put a ring on it.
- Congratulations, Andre.
- Thank you, guys, so much.
It it so good to be
off the meat market.
I mean, now I can just
hang my meat in one fridge.
- Are those your vows?
- No, my vows
were actually based
on something Tom Bergeron said on
Dancing with the Stars about partnership.
We did have fun at the wedding.
I hired a stilt-walking group
called The Moko Jumbies
to perform at our
wedding, just for us.
- How do they do stilts
in the sand?
- There were some accidents.
Andre, I speak for everyone
to say that we are about as
happy for you as we can be.
But you and Meegan did break
up. Are you sure the baby is yours?
Yeah, of course I'm
sure the baby's mine.
All right, anyway, I need to
go see a man about a papoose.
Can a baby miscarry itself?
♪♪
Check it out.
Oh! Jesus, Taco, what
the hell happened?
- Just normal wear and tear.
- This is not normal
wear and tear.
Well, also, the pony knocked
over a lava lamp. There was a fire...
The pony caught
the place on fire?
No. The pony caught himself on
fire. This was from smoking in a bed.
- Was that you?
- It was the pony.
Aren't you listening
to what I'm saying?
Anyway, now all I have
to do is get insurance,
- and I'm gonna make a fortune.
- Uh, it doesn't
really work that way.
It's all part of my master plan.
Step one of the master plan:
burn down the EBDB BnB.
Step two: vanish
without a trace.
- Why?
- Can't tell you, Jenny.
I wish I could, but
I don't trust you.
Can you believe it? Soon, the
EBDB BnB will be closing its doors.
What... Taco, you
have people in there.
Hey, guys, watch out for the hole
in the floor while you're having sex!
It's real dangerous in
there. You wanna come up?
Ew. What? No.
Not with me. With strangers.
Oh, God, Taco.
All right, I'm going in.
Kev, now that I got you here
man on man, I figured I'd rap at you.
- Wait. What?
- Man on man.
- Who am I in this scenario?
- You're a man watching man.
I don't wanna watch
man on man. What is that?
- I don't wanna be a man
in this thing.
- We're all men in this thing.
This is what men do. They have a man
on man in the bathroom, in the sauna.
They meet in the park
and have a man on man.
- In the park?
- Yeah. Where else do you
have a conversation?
- It's man on man.
- Okay.
Sometimes we're the
man watching man on man.
Sometimes we're the man in the
man on man being watched by a man.
- And today we're just
men being men on men.
- What do you want?
I just want you to rap at me about
your parenting styles so I can avoid them.
Okay, well, I
mean... Wait. What?
He just burned you.
I know. Goddamn it.
- That was
a successful Andre burn.
- I just got manned.
Can we get back to
football? How you guys feeling
about Antonio Brown's
matchup this weekend?
Great. You kidding me? Against
the Ravens defense on Sunday night?
- I totally agree.
- I have Antonio Brown though.
- I'm talking about
for Draft Kings.
- No.
No, no, no, no. It's
Shiva Bowl weekend.
Yeah, also the Draft Kings
million-dollar tourney is this weekend.
In a million
times, I don't care.
In a million times, get over it.
Now I'm the man
watching man on man.
- And this is new for you?
- It's a little hard.
Should we? Let's
let that one go.
Hey, guys, Chuck
sent us a package.
Ooh, a package.
There was a note that said,
"Watch this first." Oh, okay.
Hey, guys, Chuck here. My gum
and I have had a magical journey.
I sat everywhere. I sat in everything
I could. My scrotal passport is full.
- That gum loved to travel.
- But, uh, it's over now. I had a gum-ectomy.
Wow.
Doctors took my gum like
they were the Singapore police.
The pack's empty.
Pains me to say this, but
I'll never sit in gum again.
You know, that might
not be a bad thing.
But you can. You have to.
For me. "No nut" Chuck.
And that's why I want
you to have my gum.
Think of me
whenever you sit in it.
I love you, guys.
I love you, Shiva.
What...
Oh, no. Wow!
Oh, my God. Those
aren't stress balls.
No, they're not.
No. those are the greatest
additions to The Sacko trophy ever.
Chuck is the MVP of the league.
He's really stepped up The
Sacko trophy. This is next level.
Whoever wins The Sacko
gets their own set of real balls.
And stuck with the beach house. I am
not gonna be on the hook for those repairs.
Guys, well, while we are
on the subject of trophies,
I just wanna remind you that Kevin
and I have got our own little side bet.
Oh, right... who gets
spayed, who gets neutered.
Take it easy, Bob Barker. It
doesn't really work that way.
When I win, Kevin has said
he's gonna get a vasectomy.
And when I win, she's gonna
get her tubes tied. Oh, boy.
But this is very serious, so we're
gonna try to be mature about it.
Yeah. And that's
why I made a trophy.
Let me introduce
you to the Snip.
Look at this. That's a real
trophy, babe. Oh, yeah.
Your name's gonna go right
here for the rest of eternity.
- We'll see about that.
- Never run with the Snip. Be careful on the stairs.
Carry the Snip with
the sharp end down.
- I don't care for this thing.
- Why didn't you make
your own trophy?
I was, but the trophy place
didn't have plastic ovaries.
- That's disgusting.
- That's what the old lady
that worked there said.
- We're so excited you
guys are here. This is great.
- What is it exactly?
- It's a baby gender party.
So it's a baby shower.
MEEGAN, ANDRE: No.
You have to buy other
presents the next time.
We'll have a shower registry.
This is the gender registry.
I need a cocktail. Yes.
We have boy cocktails
and girl cocktails.
If you want a boy, pick a blue
cocktail. A girl, pick a pink cocktail.
I'll mix a little of both
and call it an Andre.
That's what he's
been doing all day.
Great. Okay.
I mean, how are they
gonna baby-proof this joint?
Well, Andre already
people-proofed it.
It's the worst, man.
Dating in your 30s is like
moving the extra-point mark back.
It just gets harder and harder
to do the same little things.
Why are you being so negative,
man? Just expand the playing field.
- To anything that moves?
- Who said anything
about it moving?
Like what? It could
be anything, man.
A pinecone. A surfboard.
A paper bag. A tennis ball.
A book. A couch. A bicycle.
In the spokes of the bicycle?
You gotta figure it out for
yourself, man. Whatever works.
Ooh. Anyone gonna take
a hit off of Kevin's pubes?
I don't smoke the
red stuff, thanks.
- Hey, uh, Pete,
what'd you get Andre?
- Uh, nothing. Why?
What? You got to get him
something extra special.
You guys are Eskimo husbands.
While it's true we've
spelunked in the same cave,
only I left something behind.
That's so gross. What,
like a broken headlamp?
Oh, hold that
thought. Everybody!
I have a very important
announcement, everyone.
I know you think today's
party can't get any better.
- No one thought that.
- Uh-oh. What's that?
♪♪ Oh. I think
they're gonna sing.
I've reunited my college a
cappella group, the Dre Tones.
- Oh, no.
- And we're gonna bring
our Motown sound
back to ChiTown.
♪ Do you recall ♪
♪ The time that we met ♪
♪ Down by Lake Shore Drive? ♪
♪ Hope in the air
No one had a care ♪
♪ Down by Lake Shore Drive ♪
♪ And now marital bliss ♪
♪ Dre's seed in her
uterus ♪ ♪ Uterus ♪
Uterus?
♪ Down by Lake Shore Drive ♪
♪ Down by Lake Shore ♪
♪ Drive ♪
Give it up for the Dre Tones!
- Yay! Everybody clap!
- Wow.
Yeah. You guys
remember the Dre Tones?
You were busy for the shows that
you were supposed to come see,
but if you couldn't come to
them, they could come to you.
I'd like to say a few words.
Taco with a speech. Speech!
First speech! Oh, my gosh.
Andre, Meegan, this
has nothing to do with you.
Everyone, I want you all to know
that I am going to mysteriously
vanish, and I want you to know why.
I have been summoned to court.
I knew that one day
it'd catch up to me.
Yeah. They wanna put me
on trial. They want me to fry.
They want you to be on a jury.
You can't be on a jury
and tried at the same time.
That's not how it works. I
thought you were a lawyer.
No, you don't... Just...
What... Taco, what
exactly are you on trial for?
Did you guys never
ask yourselves,
"How does he maintain
this decadent lifestyle?"
The bicycles? The vintage
suits? The used van?
We pay for all
of that. That's us.
- The spear gun?
- Us.
- I guess we really just
didn't wanna know the truth.
- I appreciate that, Ruspin.
- So I guess this is good-bye.
- All right, bye. Later.
I love you, guy...
Well, I don't love you...
What's just below "like"
and above "dislike"?
"Neutral"? I neutral you guys.
Andre, I neutral you less.
So more towards "like"?
So I'm gonna vanish right now.
Poof. Smoke.
This is crazy. No. Let him go.
Vanishing! Ooh, ooh, ooh,
ooh. I'll take some of that.
Vanishing food. Mmm.
- And just like that,
he mysteriously vanished.
- Vanishing!
Well, everybody, let's
not let one vanishing
wreck a whole afternoon
of a cappella fun.
Oh, no. Let's just have
one more vanishing.
- What? No. No, no more vanishing.
- Poof! Smoke.
- And you made a
pitch pipe appear. Magic!
♪♪
♪ Rock-a-bye, baby ♪
♪ On the treetop ♪
♪ Hello, hello, hello ♪
♪ Hello, my baby
Hello, my honey ♪
♪ Hello, my
ragtime, ragtime gal ♪
♪ Send me a kiss by ♪
The Dre Tones are
driving me crazy. I know.
- Andre is so sexy.
- Hmm.
- So, when does
the little pumpkin drop?
- Labor Day.
When did you guys
break up again?
Mmm. Oh, I remember.
You guys broke up
around the Beer Mile.
That was week four
of the NFL season,
'cause C.J. Spiller was on
my bench, and he killed it.
- And you said the baby
was due Labor Day.
- Yeah.
Most people don't know this, but a
baby actually gestates for 10 months.
I know. Don't remind me.
But that means the baby would have
been conceived at the end of October,
not the beginning of October,
around week seven
or eight of the season.
But you and Andre had
broken up at that point.
I don't... You know what? I'm
probably mixing up my dates.
The doctor was just throwing
a lot of numbers out at me...
I got some week-five
problems here.
You got a problem
there too. Oh, it's nothing.
Don't worry about it.
Roethlisberger's out.
So what do I do,
pick up Tyrod Taylor?
You'd never have
the balls to use him.
Tyrod Taylor's like
buying a Bowflex.
You're gonna buy it
'cause it looks good,
and then you're like, "I'm never
gonna use this." Never use him.
What is it, hemorrhoids?
No, it's just a weird night.
Sleep. You know. Huh.
Maybe could be
coming early or...
It doesn't really matter, as
long as we have a healthy baby.
- Hey, Meegan.
- Hmm?
Can I guess what
sex the baby is?
Sure.
I think the sex...
was with Pete.
♪ Then you'll be
left alone all day ♪
Oh, man!
Shark Ruxin, sniffing
out the blood in the water
and chomping down on the truth!
Please don't tell
Andre. It was one time.
Does Pete know? No!
He doesn't know,
and he cannot know.
Promise me he
will not ever find out.
Keep that nasty
finger away from me.
Please, please, Ruxin.
Um, Meegan. Meegan, come here.
I-I'll be right there,
honey. Hold on.
- Promise me.
- Meegan.
Ruxin, promise me.
Come here, come
here. I'm coming, honey.
This is an amazing baby shower.
It is now time to announce
the sex of the Nowzick baby.
Is it a boy or is it a girl?
Mouth-roll, please.
♪ What's the sex? ♪
♪ What's the sex? ♪
- ♪ What's the sex? ♪
- ♪ What's the sex? ♪
It's a boy!
Between the Dre Tones and
the hummus, I'm gonna barf.
Does your stomach
hurt? What... Is that...
- Geez.
- Unbelievable.
- Nice job vanishing, Taco.
- The only thing vanishing
are our deli meats.
Hey, honey, I'm home.
Oh, my God. What
is this, a youth hostel?
- You guys look great. Where you been?
- Out.
We were at Andre and Meegan's
baby shower. Don't tell him.
She's pregnant? JENNY: Yeah.
Oh, God, I hope it's not mine.
- Why would it be yours, Rafi?
- I've been jacking down
on their towels like crazy.
- You think
that's how it works?
- Yeah.
She puts the towel on, my biz
gets on her leg... swim, swim, swim.
Next thing you know, four
months later, Baby Rafi comes out.
Well, congratulations if
you're having a baby, Rafi.
No, I don't want a
baby with Meegan.
Plus, my very serious girlfriend
Margaret and I have been trying.
Oh.
You and Margaret
are still together. Yeah.
But I don't know if she can get
pregnant. She might be seedless.
Either way, it's time to go.
- Cool.
- So you should be...
No, I'm sleeping back
here behind the couch.
- What? Why?
- Hmm?
Because Margaret's already
back there, and I'm already hard.
So you guys should probably
get out of here pretty quick.
What?
You know what? You-You
might be right, Rafi. Cool.
It's about to get weird!
You guys are welcome to stay
and watch. I'd love the audience.
Oh, my God!
- What?
- No, no, no, no, no!
Someone murdered Margaret!
First Sofia and now Margaret!
Someone's murdering
the women that I love!
We're just gonna go to
bed now. I think we should...
One, two, three.
Oh, baby!
Mmm. Oh!
One last time, baby.
Oh, this is the last time.
- Rafi, the remote...
- Huh?
Don't judge me, Brian. I
need you to look at me, Brian.
I need you to look at me
so I can finish, Brian. Oh, no!
There are seeds.
She was pregnant!
I have a bone to pick with you.
You are single-handedly
ruining our league.
I'm ruining it? Yes.
I'm not the one who got us banned
from the league's site forever.
Just knock it off with the Draft Kings
talk. Nobody wants to hear about it.
Okay? It's Shiva Bowl week,
and it's like you don't even care.
I care. It's just this is more money
than I could make in my entire life.
Make all the money you want.
But this used to be your thing.
This is what you cared about.
This is why you got divorced, right?
And I would still
get divorced for this.
And? I would still
shave my balls for this.
Great. Then come shave
your balls with us again, okay?
Don't shave your balls with
strangers online for cash.
It's just that this is
life-changing money,
and I think we can agree I
need a life change right now.
Oh. Thank you. Really, guy?
What kind of asshole sits right
in front of you? That's great.
We'll move. Don't mind us.
Taco?
No, it's not me. Taco.
I'm someone else with a
different voice and face.
Why when I ask for Taco,
you're the only one that answers?
I'm not doing that.
He says it's not him.
Just leave him alone.
What's up, Taco? Hey, Pete.
Damn it.
Do I roll the dice
with Stefon Diggs
or... do I play it safe
with Allen Robinson?
God, Andre's team is stacked.
If I tell him about Pete
and Meegan, he'll implode.
On the other hand,
I'm such a good friend.
I need a sign.
- Shiva?
- Rodney.
I'm so sorry I didn't come to the
funeral. I was out of the country.
No, no, no. You're here
now, and that's all that matters.
- This is for you, Geoffrey.
- Oh, a baseball glove.
Thanks, The Shiva.
Just "Shiva" is fine.
Oh, you did great,
buddy. Hey, go upstairs.
I'll tuck you in in a
bit, all right? Okay.
Oh, my gosh. I didn't know
what to get you. I'm sorry.
Oh, Shiva, your
presence is a gift.
Are you doing okay? Is there
anything I can do for you?
Well... I mean,
there's one thing.
What is this? This
is my fantasy lineup.
Okay, what do you
want me to do with this?
I want you to bless it. What?
A blessing from The Shiva. Okay.
Rodney, you know
that I'm just a girl
you went to high
school with, right?
I don't have magical powers. I can't
help you win a fake football league.
I know it seems crazy, but...
Is this really gonna help you?
More than anything anyone has
done for me since my wife died.
Okay.
Specifically in the
wide receiver area.
That's been a real
bugaboo this week.
This is what I would do.
Hey, you seen my
pube trimmers? Whoa.
Who's this? Shiva, Rafi.
Wow. Very firm grip.
You know what that means...
Super good hand jobs.
Okay, Rafi, that's
enough. Sorry to interrupt.
But I just can't help but feel like
with Sofia only, like, a month dead,
it's early for you to be dating.
Oh, oh, no, no, no.
We're not dating.
- Oh, whatever you call it... finger-blasting.
- No.
Ass-blasting, kissing on the
mouths, upstairs, downstairs.
- Wide receiver.
- I'm just gonna go.
Front to back, top to bottom,
swapping poops, butt to butt.
Rodney, I'll see you next week.
No. Next week is too late.
Ooh, you smell good.
What is that, McDonald's?
Mmm. Wow. She's like a Big Mac.
Shiva, just tell me who
to play at wide receiver!
Oh, Rafi, you screwed it up. That
was great. You're welcome, man.
You're welcome? Yeah.
You screwed me. She was
about to bless my lineup.
I'll bless your lineup. Is that
what we're talking about here?
Yeah, yeah.
- Oh.
- There you go. Bingo bango. Blessed, Rafi-style.
Kevin. Shiva! Hey!
Ohh!
What a week to run into you.
I know it's championship
week, okay?
I should just go on vacation until the end of
football season so I can avoid all you people.
No, we wouldn't want that.
What are you doing?
Rubbing you for good luck.
I'm not a lamp. No? Okay. Sorry.
See you next week. Wait. Why?
For the procedure.
Jenny called. She
made the appointment.
She called to make
the appointment already.
She has that little faith
in my abilities, huh?
She has that little faith in your abilities
as a father. Unbelievable, that woman.
- Good to see you, Kevin.
- Oh.
Praise Shiva.
Guess who I just ran into. Hmm.
Shivakamini Somakandarkram. Ooh!
You already made
the appointment, huh?
Of course I did.
Wow. That is low.
I could go ahead and cancel it,
but then I'd have to
reschedule it when I win.
No. It's just a rigmarole...
You think that you're the
goddess of my pubic region,
that you decide whether
my balls live or die? Yeah.
That's "pubris." You're
being really "pubristic."
Hello!
Listen. I know everybody's
freaking out about Taco disappearing.
I already lost Margaret.
I will not lose Taco.
So I am on the case
like Magnum P.I.
Rafi, what do you
think you're eating?
I thought they were human
testicles. Goddamn it, what is it?
What am I eating? Oh, my God!
It's not pork, is it?
Oh! It's Ramadan!
Rafi, those were Chuck's balls.
Huh! Oh, okay.
You're not supposed
to swallow your gum.
Ah, so gross.
Anyway, I'm off to look for
clues on Taco's disappearance.
Starting in your panty drawer.
Tell him. I shouldn't tell him.
Tell him.
Don't tell him.
Tell him.
Hey. Hey!
- Hey!
- What? What the hell? Who are you?
Where am I?
Come on. What are you, an idiot?
Who do I look like?
Should I know who you
are? I would think so.
Did you jerk off into a sock when
you were 12? Yes, but who didn't?
Camp Whiterow. You scored
10 points in the color war game.
You came home. You told
everybody you scored 28. Twenty-eight.
In the sixth grade, you played
Ali Hakim in Oklahoma! Oklahoma!
Yeah, they cut my
song, "It's a Scandal!"
"It's a Scandal!
It's an Outrage!"
- It was a scandal!
- It was an outrage!
- So you're me.
- Sorry to say I am.
Yes. I'm Ruxin from the future.
The hair's a bummer, man.
The hair's a real bummer.
You know why that
happened? After you told Andre,
you lost your job, you lost
your friends, you lost the league.
You're saying because I
told Andre, I lost my hair?
Yeah. I got used
to it after a while.
Really? Yeah.
- Do women?
- There's a small percentage
that has a thing for it. Really?
Yes. Those are the
ones you gotta go after.
- How are they?
- Not great.
I wanna show you something.
Just show it to me here.
I can't. I'm comfortable.
Why do I have to get up
and go somewhere? Let's go.
I wanna show you something.
All right, all right, all right.
So, what, I make some
decision to tell Andre,
the league falls apart,
everything goes to shit?
Even worse.
Holy shit. That's the Oracle.
- The Freaky Friedman kid?
- My God,
I'm gonna go talk to him.
Okay. I'll pay for the nuts.
Oracle! Still licking food
and putting it back. Classic.
Excuse me? You still
play fantasy football, man?
I'm having problems with my
number-two running back this week.
- I got Melvin Gordon.
- I wouldn't worry about it.
See, what happens
this week is... you die.
Okay.
Uh, you don't have to
get so dramatic, man.
I haven't told you the rest of my
lineup. I got Melvin Gordon or...
Kevin? Kevin! Kevin!
Kevin! Oh, my God,
help me! Oh, my God.
- I can't believe
Jenny's a widow.
- Well, didn't exactly say that.
- Honey, I'm home from work.
- How was your day?
Those kids wanted a spaceman at
their birthday party, and they got one.
I bet they did. Mmm!
Ellie, dinner!
- Oh, my God.
- I heard you, Mom.
- Ugh. Yuck. I'll eat
at the tattoo parlor.
- Such a hard worker.
What are you gonna eat
there, Red Bull and vodka?
Maybe, biatch.
Are you gonna be bringing
home the older gentleman
you're in a casual
relationship with?
And don't forget to pick
up your kid at day care.
Here he is.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Not so fast, young man.
Oh.
Chalupa Batman, is that a joint?
What did I tell you? Do not
steal from your father's stash.
Mm-mmm. Use your vape instead.
Attaboy.
Look at this family
we've got, huh?
Let's do it in front
of the kid. Okay.
I wanna see what
happens if I don't tell Andre.
So just give me the remote.
But, seriously...
Do I know you? You know.
Do you know me? Yeah.
You know you're not getting it.
You know I'm not
gonna leave you alone.
So you are gonna
get nudge, nudge...
Nudge, nudge,
nudge, nudge, nudge!
Nudge, nudge, nudge! Yeah.
Should've seen that coming.
You really should have seen it.
I really should've. You
should've really seen that coming.
There are so many people
Marshawn has asked me to thank.
The man is a warrior, a
philanthropist, a gentleman.
He is and will forever
be Beast Mode.
And that's why Marshawn
Lynch is completely deserving
of inclusion in the
Baseball Hall of Fame.
No, man.
You got it all wrong, man.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Marshawn does not wanna
be included in the Hall of Fame.
You can all go home. Sorry
about that. No, no, no, no.
Wrong sport.
Oh. Oh, is it basketball?
What? Hockey?
Lacrosse? Please
tell me it's lacrosse.
Hey, come on.
Yeah, I'll just go.
All right.
Who cares about that
platypus? Do I win The Shiva?
Maybe.
Mmm.
You know, it is so flattering,
but you do not have to blast
my name every time you climax.
I actually legally do.
No, you don't.
Well, I'm happy you're happy, because
now you're stuck with me, Rodney.
Everybody calls me
Somakandarkram.
I can't believe
you took my name.
And legally changed
my first name to Ruxin.
Okay, well, good to know what
happens theoretically in the future.
- But what happens this year? Do I win the league?
- That's up to you.
So...
Okay, I'll make a decision here.
Just... What do you think?
Do I play LeSean McCoy?
Does he end up having a
good week? Do the right thing.
I would if I knew I
had a rock-solid lineup.
Stop tinkering and choose.
Okay, fine. But you know
where I like to do my final tinkers.
Yes, I know where you
like to do your final tinkers.
Mmm. Mmm.
- Mm.
- Mmm.
Mm. - Mmm.
All right, I don't think I need to be
here for this. I will, uh, let myself out.
- Wow. I mean...
- What a pleasure!
We have to get together!
Aw! Yeah.
Okay. Yeah. Okay. Yeah.
Yeah, sure.
- Is there a problem?
- Nope. No problem.
I just kind of forgot, uh...
I hate myself.
Oh! Oh, you got to
be kidding me, man.
Oh, no, no!
Getting older sucks.
And he just ate them.
- Even after I told him
they were testicles.
- You incentivized him.
It's a bummer. It's kind
of a missed opportunity.
They would've been
so great in The Sacko.
Well, it's not all bad news.
I know we had some problems
last week with the scoring system.
- Operator error.
- But this week I've come up
with a spreadsheet
that will help streamline
all the information
and make it much
easier to compute.
Kevin, you got a unique
bird's-eye view on this situation.
- Who's looking good here?
- I hate to say it.
- But, Andre, your matchups
are unbelievable.
- Yes!
I mean, you've got Charcandrick
West versus the Browns "D."
I can't believe that.
I draft Knile Davis so that I can
injury-vulture Jamaal Charles.
He does get injured, and then the
Chiefs put in Charcandrick West?
I mean, did they just make
that person up just to screw me?
You've got Brandin Cooks
versus the Jaguars "D."
Ooh. Cooking up that win.
You've also got Antonio Gates.
Uh-uh. He who must not be named.
You know, gentlemen,
it's not who you draft.
It's who you play at
the end of the season.
Now I will continue this
party in the men's room.
God, I can't believe he
may have a Dre-peat.
Excuse me, guys.
The gentleman at
the end of the bar
said to put his
drinks on your tab.
What? Oh, my God. Taco, the
only thing vanishing is my patience.
And your bank account.
Ooh, where did he go?
Yeah. I can still see you.
Oh, my gosh. It's so
fun peeing with you.
There's something I wanna talk to
you about. Ooh. Hold that thought.
Let's play the Airblade game.
What is the Airblade game?
It's like Operation for adults.
We put our hands in. We
can't touch the sides or you lose.
And you get chlamydia. Those
are the stakes of the game.
Look, Andre,
I just want you to know...
Wait a... Wait a second.
You like my outfit?
Yeah. You look like the bass
player in that band that I hate.
I look like Stu Cole from
the Squirrel Nut Zippers?
Ha ha! Nice!
Whoa.
- Pete Eckhart.
- Hey.
Hi. I'm James. I'm
with Draft Kings.
Welcome to fantasy football
world championships. Thanks.
Tournament's no different than
what you've been doing all season.
Here's the thing: there's only 10
players. Highest score wins it all.
That's crazy. My league is actually
doing the same thing this week.
Your other league allows
you to win a million dollars?
No, we compete for a trophy.
- It's named after this girl
we went to high school with.
- Great story.
Nicky, get him a ticket to
paradise. Show him to his table.
Good luck, Peter. Okay, yeah.
See you out there.
This...
I'm in my high school league
championships at the same time,
so I'm pulling double duty.
You should
definitely work on that.
I'll focus on winning
a million dollars. Dick.
He's actually right.
What the hell am I doing?
All right, set that lineup. Adrian
Peterson. My Eskimo brother.
It's A.D. Are you trying
to look at my lineup?
No, I was just
talking about football.
Why would I wanna talk
about football with you?
- I'm actively trying
to beat you.
- I also want you to lose.
This is really fun.
I cannot believe that we are
ending the season like we began it...
In shitty costumes.
Relax and behold
the Maha Shivaratri.
The great night of Shiva.
- Wait. Is this, like,
a real religious ceremony?
- Yeah.
Om Namah Shivaya. Praise Shiva.
Praise Shiva.
- We do not belong here.
- We absolutely belong here.
Yeah, we've got The
Shiva, The Sacko.
And don't forget the Snip.
I got to hand it to you, Commish.
How'd you swing this place?
Oh, I told them that the
trophies were a special offering.
And I did bring a way for us to
watch the late games on the iPad.
Ooh, all praise Wi-Fi.
While we're on the
subject of praising,
let's do this right, shall we?
For you. What are you doing?
There are no false idols.
Oh, oh, guys, guys.
Quiet. It's starting.
♪♪
That's cool. How
are the Bears doing?
♪♪
Oh. I'm sorry. What is that
statue on the table over there?
Ah. That's the Shiva lingam,
the genital organ of Shiva,
worshipped in the
form of a phallus.
Wait. Shiva's a man? No.
Kevin! I thought she was a girl.
You never once thought to Wikipedia
Shiva, the god that we worship?
- No.
- I just assumed that because
our Shiva was a girl
that the real Shiva was too.
- Right? She wears a dress.
- The sherwani is a long coat.
I thought sherwani
was a Greek yogurt.
♪♪ Whoo! Yeah!
Put your hands up!
Put your hands up! Ooh!
Whoo! Whoo!
- Taco!
- What's going on, guys?
I have reappeared! Smoke.
I couldn't stay away,
even if means going to jail.
How's it going? You
come to this temple often?
- Taco, get over here.
- I'll talk to you later.
- Hey, guys.
- What are you doing?
Wow. Look at all these
people worshipping The Shiva.
Fantasy football's really taken
off over the past few years.
Yes! Matt Forte. TD.
That was a value pick too.
Suck it, shit-sippers!
Excuse me. That's
inappropriate language.
Well, it's smack talk.
This is fantasy. Come on.
Why would you
think that I sip shit?
Oh, you know
what? Forget it. You...
Aaron Rodgers! TD! Come on!
Stop. Don't look at me.
I wanna foot-punch your face.
I don't care. I'm winning.
Ooh, Rudolfo, give
me a spritz of that.
You know what? Give me
a little kiss on this cheek too.
Looks like The Sacko
is concluding first.
And tied with the lowest
score, we have Pete and Taco.
- Who's The Sacko?
- Pete's got no one left,
and you have Justin Tucker.
Baltimore is about to kick, you guys.
- Yeah.
Justin Tucker's a kicker? - Yep.
- Yes!
- I had Justin Tucker once.
You've had every kicker once.
Guys, I won! "Pete Eckhart."
I won a million dollars!
Yeah, you're also about
to get The Sacko, so...
Justin Tucker gets
ready for the kick.
Kick is up. And... Ooh, no good.
Yes!
We've got a flag. No. Flag.
Offside, Pittsburgh.
Five-yard penalty.
Offsides on Pittsburgh.
Offside... That
is a shitty call.
I don't know. The ref said.
Yeah. Refs. PETE:
Okay. All right.
Here's the re-kick. It's up.
And it's good. Another three points.
- And it's good.
Oh, son of a... Sacko!
No, no, no. I saw him
miss it. I lost fair and square.
He didn't have
to redo it for me.
Pete, you lost because
of a bad call from the ref.
- Karma's a real bitch.
- Should I remind you guys
that I just won
a million dollars?
Should I remind
you you are Sacko?
- Sacko!
- Sacko!
- Oh, Sacko!
- Sack-o!
- Sacko!
- Sacko del Toro!
I am rich enough that this
really shouldn't bother me,
but this really bothers me.
Money can't buy
you not-Sacko-ness.
- What about The Shiva?
- You will find out
soon enough.
Ladies and gentlemen, please come
and seek the blessings of Lord Shiva.
Now's the time.
Yep. This way.
Come on. Here we go.
This...
Om Namah Shivaya.
Om Namah Shivaya.
Om Namah Shivaya.
Om Namah Shivaya.
Om Namah Shivaya.
Shivakamini Somakandarkram!
Whoo! Excuse me. What...
With you in one second.
Now, first up, the Fertility Bowl.
With a score of 87 to 76,
I am happy to announce I am
keeping my parts the way they are!
What? No. No! Yes!
Let me see that.
- Sorry about
your balls, Jenny.
- Shut up, Pete!
But if you're gonna open
up the hood, I could just...
No! Shut up about my parts!
Jenny, here's the Snip.
You are the winner.
No, I'm not taking that! This
whole thing is stupid! I'm not doing it!
- Jenny! Oh, Jenny, come on.
- No. No, no, no, no.
- Shiva.
- Shiva, Shiva, Shiva.
I wasn't gonna make her do it.
I just wanted to lord
my victory over her.
Hurry up. Hurry up.
Everyone waiting here.
Chill out. Your
league'll be next.
Now to the main event...
The Shiva Bowl. PETE: Finally.
And the winner is...
A tie between Ruxin
and the Coin... 84 to 84.
- That means I won.
- No, we have to go
to the tiebreakers.
The tiebreakers
are all even as well.
Points, record, head-to-head.
I won. What are you gonna do?
How are we gonna solve this?
- I say flip the Coin.
- Flip the Coin?
The Coin is obviously
gonna choose himself.
- What do you mean,
"choose himself"?
- It's Coin collusion.
It is not Coin collusion. This is
a classic case of Coin collusion.
How do we break the tie? You
can't have a race. You can't...
Just flip it.
You heard the man. All
right, we'll flip the Coin.
You can call it in the air,
okay? Oh, thanks so much.
Okay. Here we go.
Heads. No. Tails.
Oh! Motherfuck!
Fuck future Ruxin! He fucked me!
If I ever see him again, I'm gonna
chop off both of his butt cheeks,
use 'em as buns, then
chop off his meaty clackers,
stick 'em together in a big meatball
sub and then make him eat it!
Okay, I'm gonna go see
how Jenny's doing, so...
You had to tinker
on the Coin flip.
Is this what it comes down to?
A coin is our Shiva
Bowl champion?
Shiva, is this what you want?
Are we all so unworthy? Yes.
Now, get the hell off my stage!
Well, I'll just keep this for
safekeeping. Ooh! Change.
- Just total bullshit!
- Get your trophy.
Oh. Oh, get my trophy,
Ruxin? I will get my trophy.
I will get my trophy, and then I
will throw it directly into the trash!
- Guys, I couldn't
find Jenny...
- Oh!
- Ooh!
- Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Oh, no!
Oh, no! Oh, God, is it bad?
No. No.
Yeah. It's awful.
Oh, what a tragedy. I can't
believe I lost to the Coin.
What the fuck is going on?
Just normal
fantasy football stuff.
What's going on? What happened?
Just relax, Kevin. You've lost a lot
of blood, but you're gonna be fine.
- Smells like bacon.
- That is not bacon.
We're cauterizing
the smaller vessels.
Hey, handsome, you're awake.
What happened?
Kevin, you've suffered extensive
trauma from a sharp object.
- What?
- We couldn't save
your testicles.
Oh. Oh, God.
Kevin, you got straight-up
snipped by the Snip.
- So I'm gonna lose my balls?
- They are gone.
- Did you keep them?
- Well, I can ask.
Please. I want them
to go in The Sacko.
I will go look in the Dumpster
right now, if that's where they are...
So Pete wins The Sacko, which
means he gets Andre's beach house,
and he now has the money to
fix it up, and he gets Kevin's balls?
How is this a Sacko punishment?
Well, as The Sacko
commissioner, um...
It is decided?
I'm sorry. Kevin just
lost both of his testicles,
and all you care
about is your league?
Hmm.
It was what I was
thinking about too.
At least you guys are consistent.
Ever since I've known you,
you have never
stopped being stupid.
Kevin, I've given
this a lot of thought,
and I'm willing to donate
one of my testicles to you.
- I don't want it.
- It'll be the one
I use less.
Like the lazy-eye testicle,
the one that wanders.
Feel this guy. No.
God almighty, Taco.
That guy. Oh, my God.
Oh, God. It's gonna be
yours. It's gonna be in you.
I just want you to know
that I'll do the procedure.
Let me see the canvas
I'm working with here.
Looks like someone sucked
the pork out of a dumpling.
Well, guess that's
the end of the season.
All the winners and losers are
accounted for. Except for one, Pete.
May I remind you
of a bet you and I had
about who would be happier
at the end of the season.
Right. Yes. And I know that you
won the house and all that money.
But I am gonna be the
father of a beautiful baby boy.
I won, and it's not even close.
Well, Andre, I cannot
compete with that.
As a consolation
prize, I'll quit my job,
I'll never work again, and I
will buy a first-class plane ticket
and fly off into the
California sunset.
- Woe is me.
- Arrivederci.
You know what Pete used
to say about fantasy football?
"There are many things a
man can do with his time,
but this... is better
than those things."
Mmm! Did you feel that?
Oh, my God, it kicked.
We need to Vine this.
Let's go. Oh, my God. Okay.
It's so exciting when he kicks.
- They seem happy.
- We're not gonna
tell Andre, right?
Wait. You knew?
This unmentionable
stays unmentioned.
At least until the kid's
18th birthday. Mm.
Do you wanna get a
coffee, talk about it? Let's go.
God. Ugh. It sucked.
- First Sacko punishment
accomplished.
- Too rich for this, man.
- Honey, I need a bottle.
- I don't know
where the bottle is.
- Where is it?
- I'm gonna find it.
Sorry. I've been using
it for my vodka tonics.
Hey, do you guys
have an extra diaper?
That's for babies,
not for big boys.
Can I just suggest that we
draft here every year, please?
That's why I'm building
the guest house.
Are you gonna
build a cheese cave?
- If so, Russell
will never leave.
- No, no. I'm off of cheese.
- Really? Congrats, man.
- Thanks.
Yeah, I feel better
than I've felt in years.
- Awesome. What are you into now?
- Mostly sand.
Russell, get off my towel.
I think he's getting
off on your towel.
No, I cut a hole
in it. It's okay.
- I'm going deep. Ah, that's a bottle cap.
- Guys.
To commemorate our
draft, let's take a picture.
All right, here we go.
Whoo!
Glad you're enjoying the house.
Ted! Duh.
Try not to blow it up this time.
What are you doing? It's
a real stupid face, Kevin.
- We got it, right?
- I don't know.
- Let me check.
- We got it. It's fine.
Wanna do one
more? No. We're good.
All right, let's get
this draft started.
Well, how we gonna know
who's picking who? You okay?
Sofia always hated draft day.
You still really miss her?
She was so beautiful. Yeah.
Inside and out. Yeah.
More so out, but...
God. You could eat
a meal off that ass.
Everybody loved those
titties, but the ass...
The ass was really the MVP.
Ay, Rodney.
- Let's do the draft.
- All right, let's get
this draft started.
Let's play "Who
shits the bed first?"
Andre in the first
round or the baby?
Hey, Sofia. Hey, Ted.
- They look like
they're having fun.
- Yeah.
What say you and I
take a long boozy lunch.
As long as you're not planning on eating
it off my ass. I wouldn't dream of it.
I don't know.
How would Rodney feel if he
found out we were hanging out?
I think he would say, "Sofia
Ruxin, forever unclean."
Okay. But I want a
Terrific Lady Eternity.
No problem.
Well, actually,
tell him. Tell him.
Wow. Uh... Ruxin, I
have something to tell you.
I got something
to tell you, buddy.
One of your balls is
missing from The Sacko.
- What?
- What?
Should be around here somewhere.
I was just playing with 'em.
- Why would you
play around with my balls?
- Um, they're balls.
- That's what you do with 'em.
- Deuce, get that
out of your mouth!
Deuce, drop it! Oh!
Get the sanitizer! Oh, no!
Deuce, forever unclean!
He's fine. I had it
in my mouth too.
- What?
- I said I was playing with 'em.
Hey, Taco's not back
yet. Where did he go?
He said he was
going for a drive.
Buenas. Bonjour.
You need something notarized?
Reason for visit? I'm
gonna get really high
and take pictures of
cactuses that look like penises.
You got drugs on
you? Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
But it's Mexican weed,
so I'm just bringing it home.
Passport? Oh, he
doesn't have a passport.
- It's that gonna be a problem?
- Your passport, imbécil.
Oh. Yeah, yeah. Okay.
There you go.
This your name? Yep.
This your full name?
That is my full legal name.
Okay. All right.
Thank you. Pasa.
Hmm. Nice guy.
- Happy 18th birthday, Son.
- Thank you.
I have spared no expense
making you into a great man.
Enrolling you in the
best magic camps
and teaching you the
fine art of haberdashery.
But this is the one I'm most excited
about. Your own fantasy team.
Really, Father?
Welcome to the league!
Welcome to the league!
Huh? Your first
message board message.
Hello, Andre.
You are watching this
video 18 years in the future.
Andre, what's the future like?
- What are the douchiest
douche bags wearing now?
- I don't know.
We're shooting this video on the
day your son, Andre II, was born.
- The Deuce!
- Named after your turd
of a father.
He's not a turd. It's actually a
more fashionable way to say "Junior."
Speaking of which, we have
something we'd like to tell you.
♪ Andre is not your father ♪
♪ He's not your papa ♪
♪ Biologically, hey ♪
♪ Andre is not your pa
Andre is not your pa ♪
♪ Pa, pa, pa-pa-pa
Andre's not your pa ♪
♪ Hey, who is? ♪
♪ Who, who, is, is? ♪
♪ Pete's your dad
Pete's your papa ♪
♪ Pete's your dad Pete's
your papa Pete's your dad ♪
Pete's my father?
♪ Pete's your real live dad ♪♪
Let's grab a beer sometime.
- Welcome to the league,
buddy.
- Suck it!
Yes! Whoo!
Yeah!
♪♪
That's all, shit-sippers!
Whoo!
Captioned by Captions, Inc.
of the league!
Remember last week when
I ran into a former flame?
Well, it was that night I made
a very important decision.
I never wanna be
without you again. Mmm.
Oh, no, Andre. What
are you about to do?
So we went to Mexico
and tied the knot!
Wait. What?
Yeah! I'm Mrs. Meegan Nowzick!
And I don't really hate it
that much. The name, I mean.
Wow. I could've notarized it.
You know Venezuela's different
than Mexico, right? How so?
- But right now,
it's all about my lady.
- That's me.
And bam! Bam! Baby.
I never thought
I'd be embarrassed
for Vanilla Ice to be
associated with something.
♪ Why don't you join us in
a dance where you are? ♪
♪ We are robots
who are in love ♪
If that baby knows what's
good for it, it's not coming out.
So Andre and Meegan haven't been together
in months, yet now they're married?
What the hell? How
does it make you feel?
Whoa. You're not only Eskimo Brothers
with Andre, but you're Eskimo husbands too.
Hey, did I hear Eskimo husbands?
Boom. Someone put a ring on it.
- Congratulations, Andre.
- Thank you, guys, so much.
It it so good to be
off the meat market.
I mean, now I can just
hang my meat in one fridge.
- Are those your vows?
- No, my vows
were actually based
on something Tom Bergeron said on
Dancing with the Stars about partnership.
We did have fun at the wedding.
I hired a stilt-walking group
called The Moko Jumbies
to perform at our
wedding, just for us.
- How do they do stilts
in the sand?
- There were some accidents.
Andre, I speak for everyone
to say that we are about as
happy for you as we can be.
But you and Meegan did break
up. Are you sure the baby is yours?
Yeah, of course I'm
sure the baby's mine.
All right, anyway, I need to
go see a man about a papoose.
Can a baby miscarry itself?
♪♪
Check it out.
Oh! Jesus, Taco, what
the hell happened?
- Just normal wear and tear.
- This is not normal
wear and tear.
Well, also, the pony knocked
over a lava lamp. There was a fire...
The pony caught
the place on fire?
No. The pony caught himself on
fire. This was from smoking in a bed.
- Was that you?
- It was the pony.
Aren't you listening
to what I'm saying?
Anyway, now all I have
to do is get insurance,
- and I'm gonna make a fortune.
- Uh, it doesn't
really work that way.
It's all part of my master plan.
Step one of the master plan:
burn down the EBDB BnB.
Step two: vanish
without a trace.
- Why?
- Can't tell you, Jenny.
I wish I could, but
I don't trust you.
Can you believe it? Soon, the
EBDB BnB will be closing its doors.
What... Taco, you
have people in there.
Hey, guys, watch out for the hole
in the floor while you're having sex!
It's real dangerous in
there. You wanna come up?
Ew. What? No.
Not with me. With strangers.
Oh, God, Taco.
All right, I'm going in.
Kev, now that I got you here
man on man, I figured I'd rap at you.
- Wait. What?
- Man on man.
- Who am I in this scenario?
- You're a man watching man.
I don't wanna watch
man on man. What is that?
- I don't wanna be a man
in this thing.
- We're all men in this thing.
This is what men do. They have a man
on man in the bathroom, in the sauna.
They meet in the park
and have a man on man.
- In the park?
- Yeah. Where else do you
have a conversation?
- It's man on man.
- Okay.
Sometimes we're the
man watching man on man.
Sometimes we're the man in the
man on man being watched by a man.
- And today we're just
men being men on men.
- What do you want?
I just want you to rap at me about
your parenting styles so I can avoid them.
Okay, well, I
mean... Wait. What?
He just burned you.
I know. Goddamn it.
- That was
a successful Andre burn.
- I just got manned.
Can we get back to
football? How you guys feeling
about Antonio Brown's
matchup this weekend?
Great. You kidding me? Against
the Ravens defense on Sunday night?
- I totally agree.
- I have Antonio Brown though.
- I'm talking about
for Draft Kings.
- No.
No, no, no, no. It's
Shiva Bowl weekend.
Yeah, also the Draft Kings
million-dollar tourney is this weekend.
In a million
times, I don't care.
In a million times, get over it.
Now I'm the man
watching man on man.
- And this is new for you?
- It's a little hard.
Should we? Let's
let that one go.
Hey, guys, Chuck
sent us a package.
Ooh, a package.
There was a note that said,
"Watch this first." Oh, okay.
Hey, guys, Chuck here. My gum
and I have had a magical journey.
I sat everywhere. I sat in everything
I could. My scrotal passport is full.
- That gum loved to travel.
- But, uh, it's over now. I had a gum-ectomy.
Wow.
Doctors took my gum like
they were the Singapore police.
The pack's empty.
Pains me to say this, but
I'll never sit in gum again.
You know, that might
not be a bad thing.
But you can. You have to.
For me. "No nut" Chuck.
And that's why I want
you to have my gum.
Think of me
whenever you sit in it.
I love you, guys.
I love you, Shiva.
What...
Oh, no. Wow!
Oh, my God. Those
aren't stress balls.
No, they're not.
No. those are the greatest
additions to The Sacko trophy ever.
Chuck is the MVP of the league.
He's really stepped up The
Sacko trophy. This is next level.
Whoever wins The Sacko
gets their own set of real balls.
And stuck with the beach house. I am
not gonna be on the hook for those repairs.
Guys, well, while we are
on the subject of trophies,
I just wanna remind you that Kevin
and I have got our own little side bet.
Oh, right... who gets
spayed, who gets neutered.
Take it easy, Bob Barker. It
doesn't really work that way.
When I win, Kevin has said
he's gonna get a vasectomy.
And when I win, she's gonna
get her tubes tied. Oh, boy.
But this is very serious, so we're
gonna try to be mature about it.
Yeah. And that's
why I made a trophy.
Let me introduce
you to the Snip.
Look at this. That's a real
trophy, babe. Oh, yeah.
Your name's gonna go right
here for the rest of eternity.
- We'll see about that.
- Never run with the Snip. Be careful on the stairs.
Carry the Snip with
the sharp end down.
- I don't care for this thing.
- Why didn't you make
your own trophy?
I was, but the trophy place
didn't have plastic ovaries.
- That's disgusting.
- That's what the old lady
that worked there said.
- We're so excited you
guys are here. This is great.
- What is it exactly?
- It's a baby gender party.
So it's a baby shower.
MEEGAN, ANDRE: No.
You have to buy other
presents the next time.
We'll have a shower registry.
This is the gender registry.
I need a cocktail. Yes.
We have boy cocktails
and girl cocktails.
If you want a boy, pick a blue
cocktail. A girl, pick a pink cocktail.
I'll mix a little of both
and call it an Andre.
That's what he's
been doing all day.
Great. Okay.
I mean, how are they
gonna baby-proof this joint?
Well, Andre already
people-proofed it.
It's the worst, man.
Dating in your 30s is like
moving the extra-point mark back.
It just gets harder and harder
to do the same little things.
Why are you being so negative,
man? Just expand the playing field.
- To anything that moves?
- Who said anything
about it moving?
Like what? It could
be anything, man.
A pinecone. A surfboard.
A paper bag. A tennis ball.
A book. A couch. A bicycle.
In the spokes of the bicycle?
You gotta figure it out for
yourself, man. Whatever works.
Ooh. Anyone gonna take
a hit off of Kevin's pubes?
I don't smoke the
red stuff, thanks.
- Hey, uh, Pete,
what'd you get Andre?
- Uh, nothing. Why?
What? You got to get him
something extra special.
You guys are Eskimo husbands.
While it's true we've
spelunked in the same cave,
only I left something behind.
That's so gross. What,
like a broken headlamp?
Oh, hold that
thought. Everybody!
I have a very important
announcement, everyone.
I know you think today's
party can't get any better.
- No one thought that.
- Uh-oh. What's that?
♪♪ Oh. I think
they're gonna sing.
I've reunited my college a
cappella group, the Dre Tones.
- Oh, no.
- And we're gonna bring
our Motown sound
back to ChiTown.
♪ Do you recall ♪
♪ The time that we met ♪
♪ Down by Lake Shore Drive? ♪
♪ Hope in the air
No one had a care ♪
♪ Down by Lake Shore Drive ♪
♪ And now marital bliss ♪
♪ Dre's seed in her
uterus ♪ ♪ Uterus ♪
Uterus?
♪ Down by Lake Shore Drive ♪
♪ Down by Lake Shore ♪
♪ Drive ♪
Give it up for the Dre Tones!
- Yay! Everybody clap!
- Wow.
Yeah. You guys
remember the Dre Tones?
You were busy for the shows that
you were supposed to come see,
but if you couldn't come to
them, they could come to you.
I'd like to say a few words.
Taco with a speech. Speech!
First speech! Oh, my gosh.
Andre, Meegan, this
has nothing to do with you.
Everyone, I want you all to know
that I am going to mysteriously
vanish, and I want you to know why.
I have been summoned to court.
I knew that one day
it'd catch up to me.
Yeah. They wanna put me
on trial. They want me to fry.
They want you to be on a jury.
You can't be on a jury
and tried at the same time.
That's not how it works. I
thought you were a lawyer.
No, you don't... Just...
What... Taco, what
exactly are you on trial for?
Did you guys never
ask yourselves,
"How does he maintain
this decadent lifestyle?"
The bicycles? The vintage
suits? The used van?
We pay for all
of that. That's us.
- The spear gun?
- Us.
- I guess we really just
didn't wanna know the truth.
- I appreciate that, Ruspin.
- So I guess this is good-bye.
- All right, bye. Later.
I love you, guy...
Well, I don't love you...
What's just below "like"
and above "dislike"?
"Neutral"? I neutral you guys.
Andre, I neutral you less.
So more towards "like"?
So I'm gonna vanish right now.
Poof. Smoke.
This is crazy. No. Let him go.
Vanishing! Ooh, ooh, ooh,
ooh. I'll take some of that.
Vanishing food. Mmm.
- And just like that,
he mysteriously vanished.
- Vanishing!
Well, everybody, let's
not let one vanishing
wreck a whole afternoon
of a cappella fun.
Oh, no. Let's just have
one more vanishing.
- What? No. No, no more vanishing.
- Poof! Smoke.
- And you made a
pitch pipe appear. Magic!
♪♪
♪ Rock-a-bye, baby ♪
♪ On the treetop ♪
♪ Hello, hello, hello ♪
♪ Hello, my baby
Hello, my honey ♪
♪ Hello, my
ragtime, ragtime gal ♪
♪ Send me a kiss by ♪
The Dre Tones are
driving me crazy. I know.
- Andre is so sexy.
- Hmm.
- So, when does
the little pumpkin drop?
- Labor Day.
When did you guys
break up again?
Mmm. Oh, I remember.
You guys broke up
around the Beer Mile.
That was week four
of the NFL season,
'cause C.J. Spiller was on
my bench, and he killed it.
- And you said the baby
was due Labor Day.
- Yeah.
Most people don't know this, but a
baby actually gestates for 10 months.
I know. Don't remind me.
But that means the baby would have
been conceived at the end of October,
not the beginning of October,
around week seven
or eight of the season.
But you and Andre had
broken up at that point.
I don't... You know what? I'm
probably mixing up my dates.
The doctor was just throwing
a lot of numbers out at me...
I got some week-five
problems here.
You got a problem
there too. Oh, it's nothing.
Don't worry about it.
Roethlisberger's out.
So what do I do,
pick up Tyrod Taylor?
You'd never have
the balls to use him.
Tyrod Taylor's like
buying a Bowflex.
You're gonna buy it
'cause it looks good,
and then you're like, "I'm never
gonna use this." Never use him.
What is it, hemorrhoids?
No, it's just a weird night.
Sleep. You know. Huh.
Maybe could be
coming early or...
It doesn't really matter, as
long as we have a healthy baby.
- Hey, Meegan.
- Hmm?
Can I guess what
sex the baby is?
Sure.
I think the sex...
was with Pete.
♪ Then you'll be
left alone all day ♪
Oh, man!
Shark Ruxin, sniffing
out the blood in the water
and chomping down on the truth!
Please don't tell
Andre. It was one time.
Does Pete know? No!
He doesn't know,
and he cannot know.
Promise me he
will not ever find out.
Keep that nasty
finger away from me.
Please, please, Ruxin.
Um, Meegan. Meegan, come here.
I-I'll be right there,
honey. Hold on.
- Promise me.
- Meegan.
Ruxin, promise me.
Come here, come
here. I'm coming, honey.
This is an amazing baby shower.
It is now time to announce
the sex of the Nowzick baby.
Is it a boy or is it a girl?
Mouth-roll, please.
♪ What's the sex? ♪
♪ What's the sex? ♪
- ♪ What's the sex? ♪
- ♪ What's the sex? ♪
It's a boy!
Between the Dre Tones and
the hummus, I'm gonna barf.
Does your stomach
hurt? What... Is that...
- Geez.
- Unbelievable.
- Nice job vanishing, Taco.
- The only thing vanishing
are our deli meats.
Hey, honey, I'm home.
Oh, my God. What
is this, a youth hostel?
- You guys look great. Where you been?
- Out.
We were at Andre and Meegan's
baby shower. Don't tell him.
She's pregnant? JENNY: Yeah.
Oh, God, I hope it's not mine.
- Why would it be yours, Rafi?
- I've been jacking down
on their towels like crazy.
- You think
that's how it works?
- Yeah.
She puts the towel on, my biz
gets on her leg... swim, swim, swim.
Next thing you know, four
months later, Baby Rafi comes out.
Well, congratulations if
you're having a baby, Rafi.
No, I don't want a
baby with Meegan.
Plus, my very serious girlfriend
Margaret and I have been trying.
Oh.
You and Margaret
are still together. Yeah.
But I don't know if she can get
pregnant. She might be seedless.
Either way, it's time to go.
- Cool.
- So you should be...
No, I'm sleeping back
here behind the couch.
- What? Why?
- Hmm?
Because Margaret's already
back there, and I'm already hard.
So you guys should probably
get out of here pretty quick.
What?
You know what? You-You
might be right, Rafi. Cool.
It's about to get weird!
You guys are welcome to stay
and watch. I'd love the audience.
Oh, my God!
- What?
- No, no, no, no, no!
Someone murdered Margaret!
First Sofia and now Margaret!
Someone's murdering
the women that I love!
We're just gonna go to
bed now. I think we should...
One, two, three.
Oh, baby!
Mmm. Oh!
One last time, baby.
Oh, this is the last time.
- Rafi, the remote...
- Huh?
Don't judge me, Brian. I
need you to look at me, Brian.
I need you to look at me
so I can finish, Brian. Oh, no!
There are seeds.
She was pregnant!
I have a bone to pick with you.
You are single-handedly
ruining our league.
I'm ruining it? Yes.
I'm not the one who got us banned
from the league's site forever.
Just knock it off with the Draft Kings
talk. Nobody wants to hear about it.
Okay? It's Shiva Bowl week,
and it's like you don't even care.
I care. It's just this is more money
than I could make in my entire life.
Make all the money you want.
But this used to be your thing.
This is what you cared about.
This is why you got divorced, right?
And I would still
get divorced for this.
And? I would still
shave my balls for this.
Great. Then come shave
your balls with us again, okay?
Don't shave your balls with
strangers online for cash.
It's just that this is
life-changing money,
and I think we can agree I
need a life change right now.
Oh. Thank you. Really, guy?
What kind of asshole sits right
in front of you? That's great.
We'll move. Don't mind us.
Taco?
No, it's not me. Taco.
I'm someone else with a
different voice and face.
Why when I ask for Taco,
you're the only one that answers?
I'm not doing that.
He says it's not him.
Just leave him alone.
What's up, Taco? Hey, Pete.
Damn it.
Do I roll the dice
with Stefon Diggs
or... do I play it safe
with Allen Robinson?
God, Andre's team is stacked.
If I tell him about Pete
and Meegan, he'll implode.
On the other hand,
I'm such a good friend.
I need a sign.
- Shiva?
- Rodney.
I'm so sorry I didn't come to the
funeral. I was out of the country.
No, no, no. You're here
now, and that's all that matters.
- This is for you, Geoffrey.
- Oh, a baseball glove.
Thanks, The Shiva.
Just "Shiva" is fine.
Oh, you did great,
buddy. Hey, go upstairs.
I'll tuck you in in a
bit, all right? Okay.
Oh, my gosh. I didn't know
what to get you. I'm sorry.
Oh, Shiva, your
presence is a gift.
Are you doing okay? Is there
anything I can do for you?
Well... I mean,
there's one thing.
What is this? This
is my fantasy lineup.
Okay, what do you
want me to do with this?
I want you to bless it. What?
A blessing from The Shiva. Okay.
Rodney, you know
that I'm just a girl
you went to high
school with, right?
I don't have magical powers. I can't
help you win a fake football league.
I know it seems crazy, but...
Is this really gonna help you?
More than anything anyone has
done for me since my wife died.
Okay.
Specifically in the
wide receiver area.
That's been a real
bugaboo this week.
This is what I would do.
Hey, you seen my
pube trimmers? Whoa.
Who's this? Shiva, Rafi.
Wow. Very firm grip.
You know what that means...
Super good hand jobs.
Okay, Rafi, that's
enough. Sorry to interrupt.
But I just can't help but feel like
with Sofia only, like, a month dead,
it's early for you to be dating.
Oh, oh, no, no, no.
We're not dating.
- Oh, whatever you call it... finger-blasting.
- No.
Ass-blasting, kissing on the
mouths, upstairs, downstairs.
- Wide receiver.
- I'm just gonna go.
Front to back, top to bottom,
swapping poops, butt to butt.
Rodney, I'll see you next week.
No. Next week is too late.
Ooh, you smell good.
What is that, McDonald's?
Mmm. Wow. She's like a Big Mac.
Shiva, just tell me who
to play at wide receiver!
Oh, Rafi, you screwed it up. That
was great. You're welcome, man.
You're welcome? Yeah.
You screwed me. She was
about to bless my lineup.
I'll bless your lineup. Is that
what we're talking about here?
Yeah, yeah.
- Oh.
- There you go. Bingo bango. Blessed, Rafi-style.
Kevin. Shiva! Hey!
Ohh!
What a week to run into you.
I know it's championship
week, okay?
I should just go on vacation until the end of
football season so I can avoid all you people.
No, we wouldn't want that.
What are you doing?
Rubbing you for good luck.
I'm not a lamp. No? Okay. Sorry.
See you next week. Wait. Why?
For the procedure.
Jenny called. She
made the appointment.
She called to make
the appointment already.
She has that little faith
in my abilities, huh?
She has that little faith in your abilities
as a father. Unbelievable, that woman.
- Good to see you, Kevin.
- Oh.
Praise Shiva.
Guess who I just ran into. Hmm.
Shivakamini Somakandarkram. Ooh!
You already made
the appointment, huh?
Of course I did.
Wow. That is low.
I could go ahead and cancel it,
but then I'd have to
reschedule it when I win.
No. It's just a rigmarole...
You think that you're the
goddess of my pubic region,
that you decide whether
my balls live or die? Yeah.
That's "pubris." You're
being really "pubristic."
Hello!
Listen. I know everybody's
freaking out about Taco disappearing.
I already lost Margaret.
I will not lose Taco.
So I am on the case
like Magnum P.I.
Rafi, what do you
think you're eating?
I thought they were human
testicles. Goddamn it, what is it?
What am I eating? Oh, my God!
It's not pork, is it?
Oh! It's Ramadan!
Rafi, those were Chuck's balls.
Huh! Oh, okay.
You're not supposed
to swallow your gum.
Ah, so gross.
Anyway, I'm off to look for
clues on Taco's disappearance.
Starting in your panty drawer.
Tell him. I shouldn't tell him.
Tell him.
Don't tell him.
Tell him.
Hey. Hey!
- Hey!
- What? What the hell? Who are you?
Where am I?
Come on. What are you, an idiot?
Who do I look like?
Should I know who you
are? I would think so.
Did you jerk off into a sock when
you were 12? Yes, but who didn't?
Camp Whiterow. You scored
10 points in the color war game.
You came home. You told
everybody you scored 28. Twenty-eight.
In the sixth grade, you played
Ali Hakim in Oklahoma! Oklahoma!
Yeah, they cut my
song, "It's a Scandal!"
"It's a Scandal!
It's an Outrage!"
- It was a scandal!
- It was an outrage!
- So you're me.
- Sorry to say I am.
Yes. I'm Ruxin from the future.
The hair's a bummer, man.
The hair's a real bummer.
You know why that
happened? After you told Andre,
you lost your job, you lost
your friends, you lost the league.
You're saying because I
told Andre, I lost my hair?
Yeah. I got used
to it after a while.
Really? Yeah.
- Do women?
- There's a small percentage
that has a thing for it. Really?
Yes. Those are the
ones you gotta go after.
- How are they?
- Not great.
I wanna show you something.
Just show it to me here.
I can't. I'm comfortable.
Why do I have to get up
and go somewhere? Let's go.
I wanna show you something.
All right, all right, all right.
So, what, I make some
decision to tell Andre,
the league falls apart,
everything goes to shit?
Even worse.
Holy shit. That's the Oracle.
- The Freaky Friedman kid?
- My God,
I'm gonna go talk to him.
Okay. I'll pay for the nuts.
Oracle! Still licking food
and putting it back. Classic.
Excuse me? You still
play fantasy football, man?
I'm having problems with my
number-two running back this week.
- I got Melvin Gordon.
- I wouldn't worry about it.
See, what happens
this week is... you die.
Okay.
Uh, you don't have to
get so dramatic, man.
I haven't told you the rest of my
lineup. I got Melvin Gordon or...
Kevin? Kevin! Kevin!
Kevin! Oh, my God,
help me! Oh, my God.
- I can't believe
Jenny's a widow.
- Well, didn't exactly say that.
- Honey, I'm home from work.
- How was your day?
Those kids wanted a spaceman at
their birthday party, and they got one.
I bet they did. Mmm!
Ellie, dinner!
- Oh, my God.
- I heard you, Mom.
- Ugh. Yuck. I'll eat
at the tattoo parlor.
- Such a hard worker.
What are you gonna eat
there, Red Bull and vodka?
Maybe, biatch.
Are you gonna be bringing
home the older gentleman
you're in a casual
relationship with?
And don't forget to pick
up your kid at day care.
Here he is.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Not so fast, young man.
Oh.
Chalupa Batman, is that a joint?
What did I tell you? Do not
steal from your father's stash.
Mm-mmm. Use your vape instead.
Attaboy.
Look at this family
we've got, huh?
Let's do it in front
of the kid. Okay.
I wanna see what
happens if I don't tell Andre.
So just give me the remote.
But, seriously...
Do I know you? You know.
Do you know me? Yeah.
You know you're not getting it.
You know I'm not
gonna leave you alone.
So you are gonna
get nudge, nudge...
Nudge, nudge,
nudge, nudge, nudge!
Nudge, nudge, nudge! Yeah.
Should've seen that coming.
You really should have seen it.
I really should've. You
should've really seen that coming.
There are so many people
Marshawn has asked me to thank.
The man is a warrior, a
philanthropist, a gentleman.
He is and will forever
be Beast Mode.
And that's why Marshawn
Lynch is completely deserving
of inclusion in the
Baseball Hall of Fame.
No, man.
You got it all wrong, man.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Marshawn does not wanna
be included in the Hall of Fame.
You can all go home. Sorry
about that. No, no, no, no.
Wrong sport.
Oh. Oh, is it basketball?
What? Hockey?
Lacrosse? Please
tell me it's lacrosse.
Hey, come on.
Yeah, I'll just go.
All right.
Who cares about that
platypus? Do I win The Shiva?
Maybe.
Mmm.
You know, it is so flattering,
but you do not have to blast
my name every time you climax.
I actually legally do.
No, you don't.
Well, I'm happy you're happy, because
now you're stuck with me, Rodney.
Everybody calls me
Somakandarkram.
I can't believe
you took my name.
And legally changed
my first name to Ruxin.
Okay, well, good to know what
happens theoretically in the future.
- But what happens this year? Do I win the league?
- That's up to you.
So...
Okay, I'll make a decision here.
Just... What do you think?
Do I play LeSean McCoy?
Does he end up having a
good week? Do the right thing.
I would if I knew I
had a rock-solid lineup.
Stop tinkering and choose.
Okay, fine. But you know
where I like to do my final tinkers.
Yes, I know where you
like to do your final tinkers.
Mmm. Mmm.
- Mm.
- Mmm.
Mm. - Mmm.
All right, I don't think I need to be
here for this. I will, uh, let myself out.
- Wow. I mean...
- What a pleasure!
We have to get together!
Aw! Yeah.
Okay. Yeah. Okay. Yeah.
Yeah, sure.
- Is there a problem?
- Nope. No problem.
I just kind of forgot, uh...
I hate myself.
Oh! Oh, you got to
be kidding me, man.
Oh, no, no!
Getting older sucks.
And he just ate them.
- Even after I told him
they were testicles.
- You incentivized him.
It's a bummer. It's kind
of a missed opportunity.
They would've been
so great in The Sacko.
Well, it's not all bad news.
I know we had some problems
last week with the scoring system.
- Operator error.
- But this week I've come up
with a spreadsheet
that will help streamline
all the information
and make it much
easier to compute.
Kevin, you got a unique
bird's-eye view on this situation.
- Who's looking good here?
- I hate to say it.
- But, Andre, your matchups
are unbelievable.
- Yes!
I mean, you've got Charcandrick
West versus the Browns "D."
I can't believe that.
I draft Knile Davis so that I can
injury-vulture Jamaal Charles.
He does get injured, and then the
Chiefs put in Charcandrick West?
I mean, did they just make
that person up just to screw me?
You've got Brandin Cooks
versus the Jaguars "D."
Ooh. Cooking up that win.
You've also got Antonio Gates.
Uh-uh. He who must not be named.
You know, gentlemen,
it's not who you draft.
It's who you play at
the end of the season.
Now I will continue this
party in the men's room.
God, I can't believe he
may have a Dre-peat.
Excuse me, guys.
The gentleman at
the end of the bar
said to put his
drinks on your tab.
What? Oh, my God. Taco, the
only thing vanishing is my patience.
And your bank account.
Ooh, where did he go?
Yeah. I can still see you.
Oh, my gosh. It's so
fun peeing with you.
There's something I wanna talk to
you about. Ooh. Hold that thought.
Let's play the Airblade game.
What is the Airblade game?
It's like Operation for adults.
We put our hands in. We
can't touch the sides or you lose.
And you get chlamydia. Those
are the stakes of the game.
Look, Andre,
I just want you to know...
Wait a... Wait a second.
You like my outfit?
Yeah. You look like the bass
player in that band that I hate.
I look like Stu Cole from
the Squirrel Nut Zippers?
Ha ha! Nice!
Whoa.
- Pete Eckhart.
- Hey.
Hi. I'm James. I'm
with Draft Kings.
Welcome to fantasy football
world championships. Thanks.
Tournament's no different than
what you've been doing all season.
Here's the thing: there's only 10
players. Highest score wins it all.
That's crazy. My league is actually
doing the same thing this week.
Your other league allows
you to win a million dollars?
No, we compete for a trophy.
- It's named after this girl
we went to high school with.
- Great story.
Nicky, get him a ticket to
paradise. Show him to his table.
Good luck, Peter. Okay, yeah.
See you out there.
This...
I'm in my high school league
championships at the same time,
so I'm pulling double duty.
You should
definitely work on that.
I'll focus on winning
a million dollars. Dick.
He's actually right.
What the hell am I doing?
All right, set that lineup. Adrian
Peterson. My Eskimo brother.
It's A.D. Are you trying
to look at my lineup?
No, I was just
talking about football.
Why would I wanna talk
about football with you?
- I'm actively trying
to beat you.
- I also want you to lose.
This is really fun.
I cannot believe that we are
ending the season like we began it...
In shitty costumes.
Relax and behold
the Maha Shivaratri.
The great night of Shiva.
- Wait. Is this, like,
a real religious ceremony?
- Yeah.
Om Namah Shivaya. Praise Shiva.
Praise Shiva.
- We do not belong here.
- We absolutely belong here.
Yeah, we've got The
Shiva, The Sacko.
And don't forget the Snip.
I got to hand it to you, Commish.
How'd you swing this place?
Oh, I told them that the
trophies were a special offering.
And I did bring a way for us to
watch the late games on the iPad.
Ooh, all praise Wi-Fi.
While we're on the
subject of praising,
let's do this right, shall we?
For you. What are you doing?
There are no false idols.
Oh, oh, guys, guys.
Quiet. It's starting.
♪♪
That's cool. How
are the Bears doing?
♪♪
Oh. I'm sorry. What is that
statue on the table over there?
Ah. That's the Shiva lingam,
the genital organ of Shiva,
worshipped in the
form of a phallus.
Wait. Shiva's a man? No.
Kevin! I thought she was a girl.
You never once thought to Wikipedia
Shiva, the god that we worship?
- No.
- I just assumed that because
our Shiva was a girl
that the real Shiva was too.
- Right? She wears a dress.
- The sherwani is a long coat.
I thought sherwani
was a Greek yogurt.
♪♪ Whoo! Yeah!
Put your hands up!
Put your hands up! Ooh!
Whoo! Whoo!
- Taco!
- What's going on, guys?
I have reappeared! Smoke.
I couldn't stay away,
even if means going to jail.
How's it going? You
come to this temple often?
- Taco, get over here.
- I'll talk to you later.
- Hey, guys.
- What are you doing?
Wow. Look at all these
people worshipping The Shiva.
Fantasy football's really taken
off over the past few years.
Yes! Matt Forte. TD.
That was a value pick too.
Suck it, shit-sippers!
Excuse me. That's
inappropriate language.
Well, it's smack talk.
This is fantasy. Come on.
Why would you
think that I sip shit?
Oh, you know
what? Forget it. You...
Aaron Rodgers! TD! Come on!
Stop. Don't look at me.
I wanna foot-punch your face.
I don't care. I'm winning.
Ooh, Rudolfo, give
me a spritz of that.
You know what? Give me
a little kiss on this cheek too.
Looks like The Sacko
is concluding first.
And tied with the lowest
score, we have Pete and Taco.
- Who's The Sacko?
- Pete's got no one left,
and you have Justin Tucker.
Baltimore is about to kick, you guys.
- Yeah.
Justin Tucker's a kicker? - Yep.
- Yes!
- I had Justin Tucker once.
You've had every kicker once.
Guys, I won! "Pete Eckhart."
I won a million dollars!
Yeah, you're also about
to get The Sacko, so...
Justin Tucker gets
ready for the kick.
Kick is up. And... Ooh, no good.
Yes!
We've got a flag. No. Flag.
Offside, Pittsburgh.
Five-yard penalty.
Offsides on Pittsburgh.
Offside... That
is a shitty call.
I don't know. The ref said.
Yeah. Refs. PETE:
Okay. All right.
Here's the re-kick. It's up.
And it's good. Another three points.
- And it's good.
Oh, son of a... Sacko!
No, no, no. I saw him
miss it. I lost fair and square.
He didn't have
to redo it for me.
Pete, you lost because
of a bad call from the ref.
- Karma's a real bitch.
- Should I remind you guys
that I just won
a million dollars?
Should I remind
you you are Sacko?
- Sacko!
- Sacko!
- Oh, Sacko!
- Sack-o!
- Sacko!
- Sacko del Toro!
I am rich enough that this
really shouldn't bother me,
but this really bothers me.
Money can't buy
you not-Sacko-ness.
- What about The Shiva?
- You will find out
soon enough.
Ladies and gentlemen, please come
and seek the blessings of Lord Shiva.
Now's the time.
Yep. This way.
Come on. Here we go.
This...
Om Namah Shivaya.
Om Namah Shivaya.
Om Namah Shivaya.
Om Namah Shivaya.
Om Namah Shivaya.
Shivakamini Somakandarkram!
Whoo! Excuse me. What...
With you in one second.
Now, first up, the Fertility Bowl.
With a score of 87 to 76,
I am happy to announce I am
keeping my parts the way they are!
What? No. No! Yes!
Let me see that.
- Sorry about
your balls, Jenny.
- Shut up, Pete!
But if you're gonna open
up the hood, I could just...
No! Shut up about my parts!
Jenny, here's the Snip.
You are the winner.
No, I'm not taking that! This
whole thing is stupid! I'm not doing it!
- Jenny! Oh, Jenny, come on.
- No. No, no, no, no.
- Shiva.
- Shiva, Shiva, Shiva.
I wasn't gonna make her do it.
I just wanted to lord
my victory over her.
Hurry up. Hurry up.
Everyone waiting here.
Chill out. Your
league'll be next.
Now to the main event...
The Shiva Bowl. PETE: Finally.
And the winner is...
A tie between Ruxin
and the Coin... 84 to 84.
- That means I won.
- No, we have to go
to the tiebreakers.
The tiebreakers
are all even as well.
Points, record, head-to-head.
I won. What are you gonna do?
How are we gonna solve this?
- I say flip the Coin.
- Flip the Coin?
The Coin is obviously
gonna choose himself.
- What do you mean,
"choose himself"?
- It's Coin collusion.
It is not Coin collusion. This is
a classic case of Coin collusion.
How do we break the tie? You
can't have a race. You can't...
Just flip it.
You heard the man. All
right, we'll flip the Coin.
You can call it in the air,
okay? Oh, thanks so much.
Okay. Here we go.
Heads. No. Tails.
Oh! Motherfuck!
Fuck future Ruxin! He fucked me!
If I ever see him again, I'm gonna
chop off both of his butt cheeks,
use 'em as buns, then
chop off his meaty clackers,
stick 'em together in a big meatball
sub and then make him eat it!
Okay, I'm gonna go see
how Jenny's doing, so...
You had to tinker
on the Coin flip.
Is this what it comes down to?
A coin is our Shiva
Bowl champion?
Shiva, is this what you want?
Are we all so unworthy? Yes.
Now, get the hell off my stage!
Well, I'll just keep this for
safekeeping. Ooh! Change.
- Just total bullshit!
- Get your trophy.
Oh. Oh, get my trophy,
Ruxin? I will get my trophy.
I will get my trophy, and then I
will throw it directly into the trash!
- Guys, I couldn't
find Jenny...
- Oh!
- Ooh!
- Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Oh, no!
Oh, no! Oh, God, is it bad?
No. No.
Yeah. It's awful.
Oh, what a tragedy. I can't
believe I lost to the Coin.
What the fuck is going on?
Just normal
fantasy football stuff.
What's going on? What happened?
Just relax, Kevin. You've lost a lot
of blood, but you're gonna be fine.
- Smells like bacon.
- That is not bacon.
We're cauterizing
the smaller vessels.
Hey, handsome, you're awake.
What happened?
Kevin, you've suffered extensive
trauma from a sharp object.
- What?
- We couldn't save
your testicles.
Oh. Oh, God.
Kevin, you got straight-up
snipped by the Snip.
- So I'm gonna lose my balls?
- They are gone.
- Did you keep them?
- Well, I can ask.
Please. I want them
to go in The Sacko.
I will go look in the Dumpster
right now, if that's where they are...
So Pete wins The Sacko, which
means he gets Andre's beach house,
and he now has the money to
fix it up, and he gets Kevin's balls?
How is this a Sacko punishment?
Well, as The Sacko
commissioner, um...
It is decided?
I'm sorry. Kevin just
lost both of his testicles,
and all you care
about is your league?
Hmm.
It was what I was
thinking about too.
At least you guys are consistent.
Ever since I've known you,
you have never
stopped being stupid.
Kevin, I've given
this a lot of thought,
and I'm willing to donate
one of my testicles to you.
- I don't want it.
- It'll be the one
I use less.
Like the lazy-eye testicle,
the one that wanders.
Feel this guy. No.
God almighty, Taco.
That guy. Oh, my God.
Oh, God. It's gonna be
yours. It's gonna be in you.
I just want you to know
that I'll do the procedure.
Let me see the canvas
I'm working with here.
Looks like someone sucked
the pork out of a dumpling.
Well, guess that's
the end of the season.
All the winners and losers are
accounted for. Except for one, Pete.
May I remind you
of a bet you and I had
about who would be happier
at the end of the season.
Right. Yes. And I know that you
won the house and all that money.
But I am gonna be the
father of a beautiful baby boy.
I won, and it's not even close.
Well, Andre, I cannot
compete with that.
As a consolation
prize, I'll quit my job,
I'll never work again, and I
will buy a first-class plane ticket
and fly off into the
California sunset.
- Woe is me.
- Arrivederci.
You know what Pete used
to say about fantasy football?
"There are many things a
man can do with his time,
but this... is better
than those things."
Mmm! Did you feel that?
Oh, my God, it kicked.
We need to Vine this.
Let's go. Oh, my God. Okay.
It's so exciting when he kicks.
- They seem happy.
- We're not gonna
tell Andre, right?
Wait. You knew?
This unmentionable
stays unmentioned.
At least until the kid's
18th birthday. Mm.
Do you wanna get a
coffee, talk about it? Let's go.
God. Ugh. It sucked.
- First Sacko punishment
accomplished.
- Too rich for this, man.
- Honey, I need a bottle.
- I don't know
where the bottle is.
- Where is it?
- I'm gonna find it.
Sorry. I've been using
it for my vodka tonics.
Hey, do you guys
have an extra diaper?
That's for babies,
not for big boys.
Can I just suggest that we
draft here every year, please?
That's why I'm building
the guest house.
Are you gonna
build a cheese cave?
- If so, Russell
will never leave.
- No, no. I'm off of cheese.
- Really? Congrats, man.
- Thanks.
Yeah, I feel better
than I've felt in years.
- Awesome. What are you into now?
- Mostly sand.
Russell, get off my towel.
I think he's getting
off on your towel.
No, I cut a hole
in it. It's okay.
- I'm going deep. Ah, that's a bottle cap.
- Guys.
To commemorate our
draft, let's take a picture.
All right, here we go.
Whoo!
Glad you're enjoying the house.
Ted! Duh.
Try not to blow it up this time.
What are you doing? It's
a real stupid face, Kevin.
- We got it, right?
- I don't know.
- Let me check.
- We got it. It's fine.
Wanna do one
more? No. We're good.
All right, let's get
this draft started.
Well, how we gonna know
who's picking who? You okay?
Sofia always hated draft day.
You still really miss her?
She was so beautiful. Yeah.
Inside and out. Yeah.
More so out, but...
God. You could eat
a meal off that ass.
Everybody loved those
titties, but the ass...
The ass was really the MVP.
Ay, Rodney.
- Let's do the draft.
- All right, let's get
this draft started.
Let's play "Who
shits the bed first?"
Andre in the first
round or the baby?
Hey, Sofia. Hey, Ted.
- They look like
they're having fun.
- Yeah.
What say you and I
take a long boozy lunch.
As long as you're not planning on eating
it off my ass. I wouldn't dream of it.
I don't know.
How would Rodney feel if he
found out we were hanging out?
I think he would say, "Sofia
Ruxin, forever unclean."
Okay. But I want a
Terrific Lady Eternity.
No problem.
Well, actually,
tell him. Tell him.
Wow. Uh... Ruxin, I
have something to tell you.
I got something
to tell you, buddy.
One of your balls is
missing from The Sacko.
- What?
- What?
Should be around here somewhere.
I was just playing with 'em.
- Why would you
play around with my balls?
- Um, they're balls.
- That's what you do with 'em.
- Deuce, get that
out of your mouth!
Deuce, drop it! Oh!
Get the sanitizer! Oh, no!
Deuce, forever unclean!
He's fine. I had it
in my mouth too.
- What?
- I said I was playing with 'em.
Hey, Taco's not back
yet. Where did he go?
He said he was
going for a drive.
Buenas. Bonjour.
You need something notarized?
Reason for visit? I'm
gonna get really high
and take pictures of
cactuses that look like penises.
You got drugs on
you? Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
But it's Mexican weed,
so I'm just bringing it home.
Passport? Oh, he
doesn't have a passport.
- It's that gonna be a problem?
- Your passport, imbécil.
Oh. Yeah, yeah. Okay.
There you go.
This your name? Yep.
This your full name?
That is my full legal name.
Okay. All right.
Thank you. Pasa.
Hmm. Nice guy.
- Happy 18th birthday, Son.
- Thank you.
I have spared no expense
making you into a great man.
Enrolling you in the
best magic camps
and teaching you the
fine art of haberdashery.
But this is the one I'm most excited
about. Your own fantasy team.
Really, Father?
Welcome to the league!
Welcome to the league!
Huh? Your first
message board message.
Hello, Andre.
You are watching this
video 18 years in the future.
Andre, what's the future like?
- What are the douchiest
douche bags wearing now?
- I don't know.
We're shooting this video on the
day your son, Andre II, was born.
- The Deuce!
- Named after your turd
of a father.
He's not a turd. It's actually a
more fashionable way to say "Junior."
Speaking of which, we have
something we'd like to tell you.
♪ Andre is not your father ♪
♪ He's not your papa ♪
♪ Biologically, hey ♪
♪ Andre is not your pa
Andre is not your pa ♪
♪ Pa, pa, pa-pa-pa
Andre's not your pa ♪
♪ Hey, who is? ♪
♪ Who, who, is, is? ♪
♪ Pete's your dad
Pete's your papa ♪
♪ Pete's your dad Pete's
your papa Pete's your dad ♪
Pete's my father?
♪ Pete's your real live dad ♪♪
Let's grab a beer sometime.
- Welcome to the league,
buddy.
- Suck it!
Yes! Whoo!
Yeah!
♪♪
That's all, shit-sippers!
Whoo!
Captioned by Captions, Inc.