The League (2009–2015): Season 7, Episode 12 - The 13 Stages of Grief - full transcript

So, um...

How have you been?
Yeah.

We are... just curious

how you're doing.

I'm fine.

Look, I know that
you say you're fine,

but you're not fine.

I'm fine.

You're not fine.

You're making me not fine.

Andre, he said he's fine.



Andre, he's fine.

I'm high.

Thank you.

I'm also fine.
Ruxin,

I'm glad that you're fine

because it's coming down

to the final weeks
of the football season

and we're all sort of

in contention for
the playoff so,

we could, you know, start...

getting things...
back to normal.

I don't think I'm following.
Well...

You know, the last two weeks

have been not normal weeks
Mm-hmm.



in that we've been
sort of giving you

that, you know, free spin.

Um...
Yeah, we just kind of let you

play with the house's
money the last couple weeks.

You know, you could phone
a friend, you, uh,

get out of jail
free cards, you know, those...

Yeah. Free card, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, so...

Were you guys playing games
of Monopoly

without me, or...

We want you to stop crying
about your dead wife

and set a lineup.

Oh, boy.

But I still get
to win regardless?

No.

No win, it's just back to normal

where if you lose, you lose,

you win, you win.

Yeah, what he said.
Yeah.

Fine.

Fine. He's...
It's fine. Great.

We have a fine.
Good. He's not fine.

Andre, he said he's fine.
He's fine.

You know what,
I'm going to get out of here.

Take it easy, buddy.

Glad you're fine.

On other news,

I got those tickets for
The Force Awakens...

What did you guys...
Did you guys say something?

What?
Huh?

Like... team, lineup,

wins or something?

I didn't say anything.
Did you say anything?

I don't think so.
No.

Fine.

Sofia?

Almost.

Oh, God!

What the hell are you doing
here, Rafi?

I want you to think of me
as your death Sherpa,

here to guide you through
Rafi's 13 stages of grief.

I'm fine. Thank you though.

If you're fine, then do
these bath salts with me

and go on a vision quest.

No!
Okay.

Then do these bath salts with me

and watch the movie
Vision Quest.

No!

You're not fine.

You're still suffering.

Sofia's still in you.

In here, in here and in here.

Ah!
I made a deal with Sofia,

that if anything were
to ever happen to her,

and I wasn't the cause of it,

that I would take care of you
for the rest of my life.

And that's what I'm going to do.

I'm here to cook,
I'm going to clean.

Look, I'm already going to go
clean out the pee corner.

With a plunger?

I had a pretty chunky pee earlier.
Excuse me?

A thick piss.
What?

I had heavy brown water
come out of me butt.

You had diarrhea in my kitchen.

I mean, that's
a crass way to put it.

Listen, we're going to get
through this, together.

Oh, God, you used
the plunger already.

Yeah, I clogged
the toilets up earlier.

With shit?
No, with the pasta.

I was cooking.

Enough chitchat, let's eat.

I'm just, you know,

worried about Ruxin.

I know, it's tough.

He just wants to be alone.

I know, it's like
he doesn't even want

to use that rezzy
for Rajasthan either.

Are you worried about Ruxin

or Ruxin's reservation?

Both.

Our good friend
just lost his wife,

and now we might lose
this rezzy, too.

Don't say "rezzy" anymore.

It's gross.

I get that Ruxin doesn't want
to go,

but does that mean that we all
have to cancel the rezzy?

We don't have to cancel anything

because we don't have
a reservation.

Ruxin has a reservation.

But we're friends of the rezzy.

You know what, no rezzy.
We're sorry, we're booked.

What?
Bye.

I think he wants us to go.

You guys are not
going to believe this.

Okay, you know I've been
dabbling in DraftKings...

Uh, uh, uh, uh! Nah!
Unless it's about this league,

no one cares.

No, I'm just saying,
I did so well,

I've been invited to a huge
year-end tournament.

Do you realize what
you're doing?

It's like bragging about
your mistress to your wife.

Yeah, it's gross.

You don't understand.

Only 200 people
have been invited.

Do you guys hear anything?
Nope.

Just a sad, lonely
buzzing sound.

Be jealous.

See where that gets you.

How's my team doing
on DraftKings?

You won, Taco.
Congratulations.

Ooh. Can't wait
to get that check.

Wait, just got a message.

From the site?

What does that say?

"Your league has been suspended

due to inappropriate content"?

What?! What?!
What are you talking about?

Hold on.
It's a fantasy football message board.

All the content
is inappropriate.

Hey, did you guys get my video?

What?
What video?

I just posted a video
to your message board.

What was the video?
Oh, it's hilarious.

It's me and Dirty Randy
in Puerto Rico.

We went to this place where you
can have sex with exotic birds.

It's called, like,
a national park.

- That's why they blocked us off the site.
- Rafi!

- Watch it. It's hilarious.
- No!

You broke our
fantasy football site.

It's the week before
the playoffs, Rafi.

Puerto Rico has

- the sluttiest birds.
- I saw it.

The birds did seem very into it.

I can't get into
the manager site?

There we go. There goes our
entire fantasy football season.

You gotta fix this, Kevin.
You're the commissioner.

You know what?
I have a solution.

Just make me the champion,

I lost my wife,
and we'll just call it.

No! No!
No! No, all right.

No.
I will-I will take care of this.

I'll-I'll deal with it,

just like our fantasy
forefathers before us.

What are you going
to do, add it up?

Yeah, I'll just,
I'll add it up, old-school.

We can't do that
anymore. Okay?

Our brains are different.

We have cell phones and apps
and we don't read articles

that have less than
15 pictures, okay?

Andre, we all went to school.

We know how to add.
It's just simple arithmetic.

I'll take care of it.
I haven't added since 1995.

Wait a second, Brian, did you
grow up with four fathers?

Hello.
Hello.

Welcome to Rajasthan.
How may I help you?

Uh, I'm here for a reservation.

Oh, well, we're fully
booked until, uh, March.

Oh, no, an existing reservation.

Oh.
For this Tuesday,

December 22,
under the name "Ruxin,"

and I just need
to transfer it to "Nowzick."

Mr. Raxin?
Mr. Ruxin, yeah.

He's, uh, been very helpful
to our restaurant group.

Is there a problem?
He doesn't want to dine with us?

No, he would love
to dine with you.

It's just...

his wife passed away.

And so... Yeah.
I wanted to come in here

and just switch the reservation,

because I-I'd hate to...
for it to go to waste.

So, Mr. Raxin's wife
passed away,

and you would like
to take his reservation.

Say it like that,
it sounds awful,

but it's not awful,
because at the funeral,

you know, Ruxin looked at me,
and he said,

"I want you to continue dining

at Michelin-star restaurants."

At Mr. Raxin's wife's funeral...

Ruxin.
Mr. Raxin told you...

Mm-hmm.
...that you should continue dining

at Michelin-star restaurants?

Pretty amazing guy, right?

Oh, hold on one second.
This is crazy.

. This is, uh,
from Mr. Ruxin.

His wife isn't dead.

That must have been
an awkward funeral.

Well, this i..

Mr., uh...?
Yeah. Nowzick.

...Nosechick,
I don't know

if you are lying or
telling the truth,

because it seems to be
pouring out of you

in equal measure.
All right.

However, let me be clear.
Sure.

If Mr. Raxin...

Ruxin.
...doesn't show up

on December 22,
we will not be able

to honor this reservation.
Great.

I will then see you on the 22nd
with Mr. Ruxin

and maybe his wife.

How you doing?

I've had better weeks.

Look, I'm here to tell you that,

when one door closes,
another door opens.

Just like Rajasthan,
which opens on Tuesday,

and I think we
should go together.

And how about this?

We go, you talk
to the maître d',

you say, "Table
for Rodney Ruxin,"

we all go in there,

and if you're uncomfortable
at any moment,

you just... you leave.

I don't think so, man.

What, are you gonna
grief-tinker here?

It's the only thing
that keeps me sane.

Look at this!
Oh, my God!

Look in the bag!
What is it?

It's a dead possum in a bag.

Stage three of Rafi's
grief therapy

is facing death.

You can't move forward until
you've looked death in the face

and swallowed its blood.

You want me to drink that blood?

Yeah. It's not that bad.

You've had some?
Well, yeah.

I wouldn't prescribe a treatment
that I wouldn't myself do.

Possums are basically

rodent pomegranates.

They're full of antioxidants.

Right, Doctor?
I'm out.

Take care, Andre.
Great to see you, man.

Ugh. Get the possum out of here.

Listen, Ruxin.
Inside this bag...

Is a dead possum.

Or is Sofia.

If Sofia was hit by my car.

And what we need
to figure out right now

is how you are going
to get over Sofia/possum.

Let's get through this,

because we've got
so many more stages to go.

What is stage four--
rabies shot?

Stage four is shallow grave.

Whose shallow grave?

Your own.

Okay, Russell wants
DeAndre Hopkins on the bench,

Vincent Jackson in the lineup.

Okay, Ruxin.

"Drop Matt Prater,
add Robbie Gould."

Fine, Ruxin.

Drop Matt Prater...

- Hello.
- Kevin, it's Andre.

I put in a waiver order for
John Brown. I didn't get him.

Because you didn't have
waiver priority, Andre.

That's crazy.
How do you know?

I'm looking at it right here.
Sounds suspect.

I'm gonna come over there
and see with my own two eyes.

No, do not come over. Andre!

Oh, come on.

Give me this.

"Do not drop Prater."

God.

Russell, are you kidding me?
DeAndre Hopkins back in?

Dan Carpenter? Ugh.

At least your lineup is set.

"Adam Vinatieri."

Happy, Ruxin?
There's your kicker.

The golden pony.

What?!

Oh, just let yourself in.

Yeah, I picked the lock.
I didn't want to bother you.

What do you want?

Well, since the
league site's down,

the message board's offline,
so it's now powered by MyFace.

And I've got a delivery of
smack-talk messages for you.

What?
Ruxin wanted me to post a rant.

It's long, but it's filled with
really interesting tidbits.

For example, I did not know
that you ate a ton of ass.

No.
Huh. Yeah.

And since when are
you a come junkie?

What? There's no such thing
as a come junkie.

Well, according to Ruxin,
I'm talking to one right now.

You can't get addicted to come.

Says who?

Will you please leave my house,
you idiot?

Ooh, that's good stuff.
Save it for the message board.

Write it down.

Here. It's a two-parter.

That's not how
the message board works.

Extra, extra.
Read all your shit talk.

Get your daily message board.

Daily message board delivery.

Oh. It's a big one.

Yeah, it's the Sunday edition.

So I'm guessing Ruxin
still hasn't left his house.

Yeah, he's too busy
faxing me every 30 seconds.

Come on, guys. It's game day.

Keep the message board
chatter up.

I'm posting all the time,
but no one reads them.

Yeah, your stupid posts
went in the junk folder.

I gotta say,

this is weird--

watching the games
without computers.

Yeah, there are way less screens
to not care about.

Anybody got tabs on how
Devonta Freeman is doing?

You don't have Devonta.
Well, I have him in my daily league...

Uh-uh. No, no, no, no.
No daily league talk here, okay?

Here we go.

We are bombarded by
their commercials, okay?

The last thing I need is
you squawking about it.

It's old-school, Pete.

Embrace it. It brings us
back to a simpler time.

A time before there were
daily fantasy ads

every 30 seconds
or weekly payouts.

A time where we played
fantasy football

for the love of the game

that reduced the game
that we love to points.

Amen.
Amen.

Do you remember that, Pete?
Back then, it was just

a celebration of narcissistic
individual achievement.

To be able to make up a trophy
that metaphorically said,

"I just
you in the ass."

And then to have that trophy

literally you
in the ass.

"I'm inside me!"

Yes.
That only happened like one time.

Pete, think about that.

Try to remember that feeling.

The feeling that you had

when you didn't care anymore
about the Bears,

because the 3-Petes
had Aaron Rodgers,

the Lady MacArthurs were
a team you wanted to destroy,

and you wanted to be inside
the Pleasures of Andre's Sister.

Those were the teams
that mattered.

Now it's just... it's
all about the money.

I don't know if now
is a bad time to mention,

I'm actually in the running for
millions of dollars, so it's...

Oh, come on.

Oh, there you go, Pete.
Devonta Freeman just got

his third touchdown of the day.
What?! Yeah!

How dare you.
No, no, no. Shh.

I was gonna say,
it's very interesting,

and I'm gonna get a beer.

So, who's winning
this shit show?

No one yet, but I have to wait
till the Monday games

are over, then I
can do the math.

I have a message for
your message board, Taco.

Post this bad boy.
Oh.

"Bulls hit."

Basketball-related. Hmm.

God, Ruxin's at it again.
Oh, you know what?

I actually have been wanting
to post something

on the message board as well.

Ah, can't wait
to read your message.

Thanks for coming over

to watch the games here.

Well, I didn't really have
a choice, did I, Ruxin?

Considering you
continued to inundate me

with fax after fax after fax.

Okay, how are my boys doing?

You having fun? Ooh, you need
some more chippies?

Here we go.
You're blocking the TV.

Ugh. See what he's like to me
when he's watching his games?

I'm all but invisible.

What is going on here?

Sorry. This is stage nine
of Rafi's grief therapy.

"Everything back to normal."
Right.

Ruxin's used to having
a wife around the house

to do stuff, so... for now,
that's going to be me.

This makes perfect sense, and
I'm happy for both of you.

How about a coaster
there, buddy?

Otherwise, there's gonna
be a ring on the table.

Well, so what?
I bought the coffee table.

If there's a ring, there's a ring.
Oh, this is what it is.

He's always throwing
the money in my face.

You know, you don't
appreciate everything I do.

I happen to have made you
a delicious dinner last night,

which he did not touch.

He cooked it in the toilet.

I cooked it in the kitchen.

The kitchen toilet.

No, I cooked it
in the toilet kitchen.

Okay, you know what?
I'm-I'm a little uncomfortable.

I just think you guys
should settle this on your own.

Brian, you stay right there.
I want you to see

the way he treats me.
He won't even look at me.

Look at me!
Kevin, all you hearing is the nagging?

- Are you hearing the nagging
that I get every day? - Oh, the nagging!

That's all he says-- the nagging, the nagging.
The nagging. Nag, nag.

You know what? TV off, okay?

Turn the TV back on. Turn the TV back on.
TV off right now.

Because you are gonna
look at me...

I am watching TV with my friend!

I deserve your love!

You don't deserve shit!

Oh, wow!

I deserve as much shit
as anybody else.

Kevin, do you see what I
deal with on a day-to-day basis?

If it wasn't for Baby Geoffrey,
I would leave.

His name is Kevin!

His name is Baby Geoffrey!
He's our son!

How do you not know that?

He's not your son.
Okay, fine.

Here you go. You can watch
your precious games.

Thank you.
You can talk to your precious friends.

I'm done with you!

Stage nine is over!

Oh, my God.

Oh, and by the way,

I'm pregnant.

I pooped on it this morning,

and it's positive.

And it's yours!

Oh, God, why did I smell it?

Congratulations.

That's ten for the defense,

14 for Calvin Johnson,

12 for Eric Decker and...

and bam! 12 hundred and 17.

How's it going there,
Beautiful Mind?

Uh, pretty good.

So... am I in the playoffs?

Ah, we'll see.

We'll see. Oh,
see you later.

I have no idea.

No, no, no, no.

Ruxin, Ruxin, listen to me.
No, no, no.

Just hear me out on this, okay?

No.
This is it.

This is the final stage
of Rafi's grief therapy.

I don't want it.

A release.
Oh, my God.

Okay?
Oh, my God.

Rafi.
See, you weren't able

to make love to Sofia
one last time before she died.

So for tonight, I will be Sofia.

And you will make love to me...
Rafi.

No, I'm your
beautiful wife, Sofia.

No, you have a beard
and smell like

a grease fire at a crab shack.

I'm Sofia.

I can't believe
I'm about to do this.

Sofia.

Yeah?

I am not going to
have sex with you.

Ooh, hard to get.

No, I'm not playing hard to get.
Okay, I'll play

this game, mister. Beep, boop, beep.
Stop.

Don't worry-- Sofia told me
everything you like.

I can do it all.
Better.

Okay.

All right.

Let's do this.
Let's do this.

Oh, I'm ready for action.

Maybe I'll set the mood.
Ooh, I love this.

A little romance.
Yeah.

Now we're talking.

- Let me just take this...
- Yeah.

What is that?
It's a vanilla candle.

No, no...
Yeah.

You know that vanilla candles
make me nauseous.

Ruxin, put that aw...

It's your favorite, Sofia.
No.

No, no, it's me, bro,
Rafi, for a minute.

I know that your brother Rafi

- has a gag reflex when he smells
vanilla candles. - No, no, R...

Ruxin. Time out, Ruxin.

Sofia, stop dry-heaving

for one second and listen to me.

I love you

and I'll never stop loving you,

but it's time to let you go.

I release you.

Aw...

Hey...

I'm proud of you, man.

You did it.

Now let's celebrate with
some man-on-man butt stuff.

No.

I'm gonna have dinner
with my buddies.

I'll change and join?

I'm going to leave you
with this candle

- and your super weird body.
- No..

Bye, Rafi.

I got this.

Hell Reservation for Ruxin.

And, um, where is Mr. Raxin?

Oh, Mr. Ruxin
is right here.

Oh, Rodney.

Wha...
Oh, my God,

are you kidding me, Andre?

Here he is, right here.
Mr. Rodney Ruxin.

Everybody calls me Ruspin.

So... should we
go to Uno's?

Yeah, deep dish tonight.
No, guys, I put on a dress.

- You're Mr. Raxin?
- Rux.

Yup. Pete has sex
with Kevin all thee.

Forever not clean.

Shut up.

Uh, Mr. Raxin, I'm afraid

I'm going to have to see
some identification.

Um...

Driver's license?

A valid driver's license?

Would an Illinois driver's license

or a black AmEx be preferable?

Oh, my God.

Oh, this is my good friend Taco.

Shut up, no, this
is Rodney Ruxin.

My law firm, Hudabega,
Hudabega & Bethesda

has done some work

for your restaurant.

Mr. Raxin, it's a pleasure
to finally meet you.

Sidarra, please seat
these fine young people.

Yes. Let's eat.
Oh, sweet, I'm starving.

Did any of you know it was me?

And Mr. Raxin's wife?

Oh. Turns out she is dead. Mm.

All right, Kevin,

you got the scores--
who's going to the playoffs?

Guys, don't worry, I have
all the fantasy news

that is fit to print.
All right.

If you'll raise your glass.

I am in the DraftKings
world championships.

No, no, no. Unmentionable.
Oh, boo. Come on.

Please.
No on gives a shit.

Everyone here should give
a shit, and you should, too.

Really?
Remember the bet we made about

- who would be happiest at
the end of this season? - Mm-hmm.

Well, I'm feeling happy because

I'm in the running
for a million dollars.

Pete, money doesn't
buy you happiness.

Take it from me--
I'm a very rich man.

And excruciatingly unhappy.

I am a single man

with endless possibilities.
I mean, who knows

what's right around the corner for me.
All we care about

- is who is in the playoffs.
It's Tuesday night, Kevin. - Yes.

Tell us the standings.
Ooh, yeah. What do we got?

Come on, baby. Come on.
Okay. Bam. Check it out.

Ooh.
Yeah. Come on.

I got 67? Nice.

What?
Babe, you lost to pocket change.

No, no, no-- we have a tie.
What does that mean

for the playoffs?
I know. I haven't figured out

all the tiebreaker scenarios.
What do you mean

you haven't figured out
how the tiebreakers work?

It's got something
to do with your record versus

- the other person's record.
Points for and points against. - Oh, my God.

Come on, this is bullshit.

How do we know you're not
making these numbers up?

I worked very hard
on these numbers.

That's not an answer, Kevin.

Ruxin, I fell asleep at my desk.

Still not an answer.
Show your work.

You want to see how
the sausage is made?

Here it is.

Have at it.
Hey,

I didn't play Robbie Gould
as my kicker.

You did it one time.

Is this even my team?

I'm honestly asking.
I don't...

Wait, wait, wait--
C. Johnson?

I wanted Calvin Johnson.

You put in Chris Johnson?

I'm sorry, I couldn't
read your mind.

You know what's so
interesting about this

is that I'm gonna
be a millionaire.

Wait, what is this?

Chalupa helped me
with some of the math.

Oh, boy.
He knows what he's doing

and I was in the weeds.

This does not stand, okay?
No.

No, this is bullshit.
And my win stands.

Fine. Like all good
commissioners, I knew

that you would say this,
so I came up with a plan B.

Okay, what is it?
Tell 'em... tell 'em what the plan B is, babe.

Plan B is this:

all this bullshit
goes out the window.

Whew.
We start completely fresh, okay?

Everyone is in the playoffs.

Highest score wins The Shiva,

lowest score gets The Sacko.

Thunderdome style.

I guess I would prefer
to beat all of you

than just one of you.
Right?

This is bullshit.
I lost fair and square.

I got shit to do next week.

Can we all agree, please?
A one-week, all-in Shiva Bowl.

- Yes. Yes.
- Yes.

Great, good.
Settled.

Yeah, but we should
seal the deal

by paying our respects.

But we don't have The Dre.

We've got something much better.

Oh, bless me, Shiva.

You're better
than a million bucks.

Shiva Komedi, I'm gonna put
my weenie in your pagini.

Visualize it.

Not close enough.

Move, bozo.

Out of here. A little respect.
What? Hey.

Ruxin. Ruxin, you're
fogging up the glass.

How was dinner, sir?
Absolutely fantastic.

I actually would like
to make a reservation...

No.

Hi, Andre.

Hey. Meegan.

What are you doing here?

It's the biggest opening in
Chicago. Wouldn't miss it.

How are you...
how are you doing?

Pretty good.

Oh.
Whoa.

She got fat.

Wow.

Or pregnant, taco.

Oh.

I really just won that bet.