The League (2009–2015): Season 6, Episode 7 - The Heavenly Fouler - full transcript
Andre rescues a cat. Pete has to choose between a great prank and a great girl. Kevin plays basketball with his priest.
- Peace be with you.
- And also with you.
You guys getting, uh,
pretty religious, huh?
No, we just dropped the kids
off at Sunday school.
Yeah, we think it's nice for
them to get a moral boost that
they may not be receiving at
home.
And we get to watch football
with no kids around.
Wait, aren't you
supposed to be in church while
the kids are at Sunday school?
I don't think they check.
No, it's not like it's a
commandment.
Taco Corp is in a state
of emergency.
The EBDB's been compromised.
A brute force attack by the
Chinese crashed the EBDB and
left it vulnerable to hackers
breaking in through the back
door.
What are you talking about?
Last night I was driving the
EBDB van and I got into an
accident with the delivery guy
from the Chinese market.
After that, the back door
wouldn't close right.
And in the middle of the night,
someone broke into the van and
stole my Walkman.
So what?
On that tape was a recording
of me reading the entire Eskimo
Brothers Database.
Ooh...
Scandal.
This never would've happened
before Mark from Cuba took over
the company.
You know what I think?
The Chinese are in bed with the
Cubans.
Sounds like we're on the verge of a
Mark Cuban missile crisis. Yeah. Yeah.
Ooh!
Oh.
Oh!
Oh, my...
Rat! Kill it!
No, this is not a rat.
This is Milady.
Milady?
I rescued her.
And in many respects, I think
she rescued me.
Now let's get you some kibble.
Isn't that right? Come on. Yes.
Ew! God, Andre.
Oh, boy.
Oh, my God, this is...
It's like it's too easy.
Oh, wow.
I know.
We could literally sit here
all day long and make jokes
about how Andre's finally
getting some...
No, no, no, no, no, no.
We got to challenge ourselves,
Pete.
Oh, come on. It's such
low-hanging pussy fruit.
Look, we could still make the
jokes-- we just omit the word.
Okay, first person to break
and make a pussy joke has to
give up their best running back.
Wow.
Ooh, that has some teeth.
I like that.
I like that, too.
All right, we're doing this.
As league commissioner, I
sanction this bet.
Yeah?
Let's shake on it.
Yeah.
Come on.
Yeah, it figures, Andre
finally gets some pussy and it's
dirty and hairy from the street.
What is that?
You can't do that.
I didn't shake on it yet. I got one.
Uh, Andre... Aw... It's official.
You know, it's probably just
stress-related.
I'm the current champ in my
fantasy football league.
A lot of pressure to repeat.
Well, you definitely have
some blockage, and it can be a
lot of things.
It could be diverticulitis or
just a sluggish bowel, so I'm
gonna need a stool sample from
you.
What? Ew.
Okay.
No. Oh.
That's my coffee.
Oh.
No, I'm gonna get you a kit.
And over the next several days,
you're going to deposit your
fecal matter in it.
It's like a yogurt spoon.
And it can be used that way
but, for this, feces.
Put 'em in the blue bags, one
per day.
You tie it up and you put it in
the freezer.
Then in three days...
I'm sorry, I put it in the
freezer?
You can put it in the back so
you don't get confused.
And then, in three days, just
come back to the office and
we'll check it out.
All right, well, thanks for
being really cool about this and
not laughing at me.
Why would I laugh?
You're making me poop in a bag.
Poop's not funny.
Poop actually put my three kids
through college.
Where did they go?
Brown University?
My youngest did.
Really?
I've recently come into some
money, so I'm looking for a
place to live.
Oh, so you're still at your
old place?
Old place...?
My place.
Oh. Mon Dieu.
Hey, hey.
Andre, this is, uh, my friend
Penny.
Hello. How are you? Andre is a plastic
surgeon here. Number one in Chicago.
Okay, there's that, yeah.
Penny runs this really cool kind
of pet grooming company, so...
Pet grooming, that's such a
growth market.
I love it.
Oh, thank you.
I'm-I'm really excited because
it's brand-new and it's, like,
got some edge to it.
Okay. You know, for pets with attitude,
there is "Cattitude." I love it.
I loved it, too.
Yeah!
I still don't get it.
You gotta get a cat an
attitude.
Oh, speaking of, I have to go
pick up my new business cards.
Okeydokey.
So, um, it was so great
meeting you guys.
Um... à tout à l'heure.
Au revoir.
What?
Is she French?
Uh, no.
Is she Canadian?
No.
Cajun?
No, she, um... she just
thinks, you know, speaking in
French is classy, so...
In my experience, people that
use the word "classy" are rarely
ever classy.
Yeah, it's a paradox.
Like Schrodinger's cat.
What's Schrodinger's cat?
All right, there's a box and
inside that box there's a cat,
but you don't know if it's alive
or dead. But if you open the box, you
kill the cat. Well, in my experience,
keeping the box closed kills the
cat.
It's another paradox.
No, I know the cat's dead.
It stops moving.
All right, don't... Please.
Oh, I should ask Penny for help.
ChiTown Style's doing a, uh...
a piece on professionals and
their pets, and I'm gonna do a
little spread with Milady.
Okay, so you're doing a
spread for camera, and you're
gonna show your... Milady?
Yeah!
You got to make sure it's
nice and trim.
I mean, this isn't the late '70s
anymore.
You don't want some wild, hairy,
crazy... feline.
No.
Oh, my God. No way.
When the hair's all over the
place, it makes her look way
older.
Well, you know what a lot of
people are doing now, they're
just waxing their-their
Miladies.
I don't think that the cat
would stand for that.
It's pretty painful.
There are a lot of hairless
cats though, I noticed.
I don't want a hairless Milady.
I like a little bit of fur there
just so I can kind of get lost
in it when I touch it.
Oh, that reminds me, can I shoot
this at your house?
Why?
Well, 'cause you have that
place set and if this works out
as good as I think it will, you
might have a centerfold of me
playing with Milady on your
front lawn.
Great.
Wow.
Oh, my gosh, it's, uh, Devin
from my spin class.
I want to talk to you about that
mix I sent you.
Okay, look, you have an
opportunity to pull an
unbelievable prank on Andre.
What are you talking about?
Just tell Penny that Andre
wants Milady groomed with a ton
of cattitude.
I mean, cattitude for days.
That way when she's done, Milady
will look as ridiculous as
Andre.
Oh, this is brilliant.
Yeah.
This is huge.
Guys, I know we're not
allowed to make pussy jokes
about Andre's cat, but can we at
least make jokes about Andre's
cat's actual vagina?
I got a good look at it, and it
is disgusting.
Looks like Jabba the Hutt's eye.
I can't believe I'm doing this.
All right, I'm just gonna tuck
you right in there.
Cover you with vegetables...
and a bogey.
Yeah. Great.
I have built myself a little
feces fort.
Oh, my God, you scared me.
Hey.
You and Daddy are sinners.
Who told you that?
You worship false idols.
I learned about it in Sunday
school.
We don't worship false idols.
What about this?
That is the Shiva.
Then destroy the Shiva.
What?! You watch your mouth,
lady.
See? Sinners!
Enjoy your eternity in Hell!
Ugh, I'm already there.
Sinner!
She's crazy.
She directly takes after your
mother. Ignore her like you do my mom.
How was that doctor's
appointment the other day?
You know, it was great.
Everything good?
Yeah. Everything is great.
Ooh.
Ew, peas.
Ew...
Ooh, pizza bites!
Pizza bites.
These are really weird requests.
Are you sure he wants his cat to
look like this for the photo
shoot?
Have you met Andre?
Yeah, you're right.
That's a stupid question.
All right, good.
I'm just really nervous
because this is a big
opportunity for me because Andre
said that if he loves my work,
he's gonna recommend me to all
of his clients.
And you know those ladies perm
their poodles on a regular
basis.
Oh, so this is big?
Oui. Très masse.
And you were so nice to set this
up for me that I really want to
do something nice for you.
I... I was not nice.
I would've done it for anybody.
That's fine. Fine.
No, you are helping turn
Cattitude from this dream I had
at Burning Man to a reality.
Mmm.
Mmm. Okay.
I got that pickup game
tonight for basketball.
You want to come?
Mm, I can't.
Penny is taking me out for a
special celebratory dinner to
thank me for getting her the
Andre job.
So, how's the prank coming
along?
Yeah. To be honest, I'm feeling a
little conflicted about the prank.
There's, like, feelings to
consider, and...
What?!
Look, Andre is gonna be super
pissed when he finds out about
the prank, okay?
Yeah.
And Penny's just having her
business starting out, and you
know how huge Andre's presence
is on Yelp.
Yeah, he gave me a two-star
review of Pubercuts.
That almost killed me.
He's gonna neg her business
to death, and then Penny and I
are just gonna be...
Maybe.
Yeah. Yeah, that's true.
Maybe? Oh... But it's still funny as balls.
Yeah. Super funny, so, you
have to... you have to do it.
Yeah. You have to do it.
What do you mean, I have...?
I don't have to do anything.
Yes, you do.
You have to do the prank.
We thought of a great prank, and
now it has to be done.
Look at this.
Text from Penny.
"OMG. So excited for tonight,
mon cher."
She's so excited!
Yes!
Yes, but she does that
annoying French thing.
Look, you are this league's
historian.
You want people looking back and
saying, "Oh, in 2014, I think
Pete dated a girl for a couple
months", or "In 2014, Pete
Eckhart pulled off the greatest
prank of all time"?
Yes, because he did that
messed up thing to Andre's...
Aah!
No. I didn't say it.
I didn't say it.
You were on the cliff.
You almost did. No, I didn't
even hit the first "S." Hey...
look who made it.
Father Muldoon, how are you?
Hey, your, uh, your
daughter Ellie-- she's doing
great, really taking to the
scripture.
Oh, we've-we've noticed.
It's a great opportunity,
'cause it lets you guys come to
Mass.
It's been a really great
experience for all of us.
Hey, where were you guys last
Sunday?
I was looking for you.
We were, like, right by
the... the stained glass.
Which one?
The one with the woman
kissing the little kid...
The baby Jesus.
That's a baby?
Listen, I'm just, uh, glad
you guys are getting in there.
It's nice.
Yeah, I know-- it's just a
great experience for our whole
family, you know, because Ellie
gets to go to the daycare, we
get to go to Mass.
Sunday school.
Yes.
It's not a baby-sitting
service, it's a Sunday school.
It's the Lord's daycare,
because he's a shepherd, watches
over the sheep with all...
You boys are ready?
Oh. Yeah, let's do this.
It's game time. Let's go.
You guys ready?
Yup.
Stretch it out, come on.
Come on, let's do this.
Try to keep up, padre.
Come on, bringing that... Oh!
Come on. Oh, oh. Come on, geez.
Oh, yeah, and the Lord said
"Let there be net!"
Uh, uh, uh, uh, mm.
Ow!
Oh, yeah.
What?
Go, go, go!
No, you got it, you got it!
Yeah! All in your face.
You like that? You like that?
Oh, yeah!
He fouled me, man.
Jesus Christ!
Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh!
Sorry. Sorry.
Ball, ball. Hit it.
Deliver us from... evil.
Oh! Oh, my...!
Yeah! Yeah!
What the hell?!
Shoot quicker!
He's fouling me every time!
Yeah. What? Huh? What? Huh?
Oh, yeah.
No.
Uh... Ah! Holy Trinity!
Boom shakalaka.
Oh, God!
Oh, yeah! Yeah!
No. Foul, man. Foul.
Huh?
You keep pushing everyone.
I preach hard, I play hard.
You got a problem with that?
No... Father.
Huh? That's what I thought.
Whoo! Come on!
God. Oh, look at this shiner that
this priest gave me in basketball.
Guy's out of his mind.
He's fouling like crazy.
Well, the heavenly fouler
works in mysterious ways.
No, no. You know what?
I don't care what the guy does
for a living. You get up in his
face, and you yell. He's right.
I can't. Not only is the guy
my priest, but he's also my free
daycare, so, show some respect.
Hey, is Penny gonna be ready
tomorrow, for me to drop off
Milady?
Tomorrow? Tomorrow?
That's really soon.
Well, the shoot is this weekend.
Yeah. Yeah, I just don't know if
Penny's ready yet to make that call...
I'm sure her schedule's
probably open.
Probably. I'll drop her off
tomorrow.
Thank you.
That'll be great.
You're all serious about
false idols!
"Depart from me, ye cursed, into
the eternal fire that I prepare
for the Devil and his angels."
Matthew 25:41.
You know what? Depart from in front of
the TV, cursed. Uncle Pete, 8:18 p.m.
Enough with this!
Go to your room!
Go do homework or something
productive.
You're all fornicators and
sodomites!
Wow! The tiny televangelist
is a real bummer.
She couldn't possibly know
what those words mean.
Well, she did look at Andre
when she said "sodomite."
I...
Yeah, and she didn't look at
either of you guys when she said
"fornicators."
Ha. Maybe this Sunday school daycare
idea has bit us in the ass.
Yeah. Seems like you reap what you sow.
Really? You dare to stand on
moral high ground?
You, who outsourced your team?
What does that have to do
with anything?
What?
Because you cheated, Andre.
You cheated us, and you cheated
Shiva.
Oh, I did not cheat Shiva.
Yeah. You owe us and Shiva
ten Hail Shivas.
Right. Right now.
I'm not doing that.
No.
Do you want to win this year,
Andre?
Okay, fine.
Twenty!
Oh, hail Shiva, full of
grace, my roster is with thee.
Oh, hail Shiva. Oh, hail Shiva.
- Oh, hail Shiva.
- Oh, hail Shiva!
Oh, hail Shiva.
Oh, hail Shiva.
Oh, hail Shiva.
Oh, hail Shiva!
Oh, hail Shiva!
Oh, hail Shiva...!
Yes, hail Shiva.
Uh, gentlemen, I've come to a
very difficult decision.
The EBDB's very sensitive data
has been compromised by the
Chinese, so, I've decided to
inform all of my clients that
their private information has
been exposed.
So, Pete, the world may find out
that you are Eskimo brothers, through
Gina Gibiatti, with Sisqo. Who?
"Thong Song."
Yeah!
No!
And Kevin, through your
joyless humping with Jenny last week,
you are now connected to Rafi. What?
He was watching through the
window while masturbating.
Ew. Aw. Aw.
Oh, my God.
And Jenny, the world may find
out that you and I are Eskimo
sisters.
Excuse me.
Yeah, I slept with a girl that Jenny
slept with in college. What?!
Ooh.
Becky.
Oh.
Mm.
Oh!
Okay, wait.
Should we get Ellie?
She might have something to say.
Ellie? Ellie, come in here.
No. No.
No, no, no. No, no. No, no.
What? No?
What happened?
Okay, my field hockey team--
we were on the road, our bus
broke down, they put us up at a
janky Days Inn, they stuck us
two in a room, and Becky
and I...
This is like a Cinemax movie.
Hold on, I've got to get
Ruxin on Facetime. He's...
No.
No, no, no, he already knows.
I e-mailed him.
What? No, no. I...
I cannot believe this! No!
It was like a team
trust-building exercise.
Come on!
Guys, I'm so sorry this
information has leaked.
Wish there was something I could
have done to avoid it.
Are you kidding me?!
Yeah. I'm...
Are you kidding me?
In front of everybody over
there, I have to find this out?!
It's kind of hot.
No more secrets, okay?
Okay, no more secrets.
God.
No more secrets.
Okay.
What? Is it bad?
It's not great. All right, so, who's my
Eskimo brother or sister? You're good.
What do you mean I'm good?
I'm good?
You're good. Check out, like, a really
embarrassing one, like, John Tesh?
No. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have yelled
at you. It's just, I've had a really
shitty day.
Just shit after shit after shit!
It's a real shitty day for you.
Or, like, somebody from, uh,
2 Live Crew.
No.
This feels great, though.
Ow!
Ellie?
Oh, my God.
Ow! Ow!
Are you okay?
Are you okay? What?
Yeah, the stupid idol fell on
my head.
Oh, honey.
Okay, baby, here, put this on
your head, go ahead.
Ah, no. You know, let me get
you a Boo-Boo Kitty.
No, this is fine.
Yeah, leave that on there.
Okay, you know what?
Shiva's gonna go in the garage.
Just until this phase passes.
Yeah, let's put the Sacko in
there for consistency, too.
Uh, no.
Nope.
Not happening.
No way.
You know what, babe?
I think you're good.
No, no, no, got to leave this
on.
Ice helps with the swelling.
Ew!
I, uh, I kind of love football.
We should totally watch
football together.
Um... okay.
Yeah.
Aah! God... What do you think? Wow, I l...
I love it, I wish
it was a little less.
Oh, like a little less?
Still less, I think.
What about nothing?
Nothing's good.
Very good.
Can't tell with these two
hats-- do I want to get laid
or do I want to get paid.
Is there another option?
Both. But you made all this from scratch?
I learned to cook in
Provence. Well, I learned to
eat in Chicago. Bon appétit.
Oh, my God, that's good.
Wait 16 minutes.
All right, I'm not waiting
16 minutes, no, no.
No, but, but... It's not hummus with
chickpeas, it's hummus with... Oh, wow.
Salmon roe.
Now, take this in.
It's crab bladder...
...and algae.
No, no, no, no.
The gagging's normal-- you're
supposed to taste it twice.
Ooh. Shiva, give me guidance, please.
Hey, I was just thinking about
you.
Aw! I was thinking about you,
too.
So I got off early.
Voulez-vous manger avec moi?
Sure. Well, just think about what you
want to do. Yeah, I'm thinking about it.
Pick him up, you got him.
Aw, yeah.
What?
Yeah!
Dude, play some defense.
The guy is a lunatic, man.
He fouls all the time.
Leave me alone.
Man up.
Fine.
Pick him up, go.
Oh!
Foul, foul.
What is wrong with you?
Hey, hey, it was an accident,
okay? You've been playing like that
the whole time. I'm a man of God.
All right, you... I-I'm
sorry, you're right, Father.
Um, I have an ice pack, I will
get it for you.
A little warm, but it should
work.
I'm sorry, Father, I...
Got to watch those elbows--
it's crazy.
My emotions got the best of me.
Are you okay? It's okay, it's
fine, it's fine, I'm fine. Okay.
Oh, my God.
What is this?
What...?
Oh I... I think that's shit.
This is shit?
Oh... Excrement, e-excrement.
You threw a bag of shit at me?
No, no, no, no, that's not my
shit-- I don't know whose shit
that is.
Father, I am so sorry.
I-I... I will never miss Mass
again.
Is this a sin?
Yes, yes, it's a sin.
"Throw shit into a priest's
face" is a big sin!
Ugh.
I never read the Bible.
Hey, it's that guy again.
I want my data back, you
cyberterrorists.
I want my food back.
Never.
There's no free food here. It's not a
homeless shelter, you bad boy! Go there.
The database!
Ha-ha! Yes, my Eskimo brothers are safe.
Oh.
I don't know.
The punk-- he vanished. Guess I'm
gonna be in here for a while. Ooh.
Dumpster Ding Dong.
Best day ever.
So in your mind, the right
move was to take a frozen
poo-poo kitty and put it on your
priest's face?
It was more like a boo-boo
shitty.
Enough. You're embarrassed
by your crapsicles? Stop.
Right.
Shit pops.
Stop. Guys... does this
say "professional?" No.
No.
You're right-- this does.
That's the one.
Where is Taco?
He should be home with Ellie
by now.
I don't know.
Bonjour, mes amis.
Hey, Penny.
Hi.
Oh, my God, I'm so excited.
Milady is ready for her
close-up. Come, Milady, come, come,
Milady-- here he is.
Oh, wow.
Wow.
What did... What did you do?
What did you do?
Did you tattoo her?
Yeah, that... I thought
that's what you wanted.
You nailed it.
That's some cattitude.
Why would you do this?
I'm so confused right now.
Here's something you won't be
confused about: I'm a master
reviewer on Yelp, and no one
will be soliciting your business
anytime soon.
I didn't get that gold star for
nothing.
Milady, Milady!
Wow.
Okay, I-I am so sorry.
I thought this is what Andre
wanted.
Look, you're a great girl,
but this was a phenomenal prank.
Wait, je suis très confuse.
You... Are you saying that you
chose a prank over me?
Sometimes you come to a spork
in the road.
Tatanard! I don't think that means
anything. Yeah, well, you know what
this means.
Whoa.
Au revoir.
Au revoir, you dick!
You're my hero, buddy.
All right, I got to get some
pictures of that cat.
Get it.
Oh, I, uh...
Hey.
Fa-Father Muldoon! Wow!
I had to drive your daughter
home because her uncle neglected
to pick her up.
I... I-I apologize.
My brother Taco can be a little
bit flaky.
You also broke your promise
about coming to Mass, Kevin.
I-I was a little nervous
that you were gonna try to get
me back by replacing the
communion wafer with, uh...
you know, stuff?
You know I can't lie to your
daughter, if she asks if her
parents are going to Hell.
We're not going to Hell.
No.
We're law-abiding Catholics.
Really? I... also hear that you worship
a pagan idol called "Shiva"? They do!
No, we are in a fantasy
football league, and the
trophy's called the Shiva.
You know what?
Let me just show it to you.
It's right over here.
It's so innocent.
Come see.
The trophy's right in here.
Right this way, Father.
Oh, God!
Oh, my God!
Taco, you were supposed to
pick up Ellie.
Well, I couldn't because the
goddamn Chinese were chasing me.
But I got away, and guess what I
found... ♪ Ta-da! ♪
Now no one's ever gonna find out
that you let a homeless person
jerk off to you having sex!
No, no!
Jenny, don't worry, no one's
going to know that you had sex
with another woman--
No, Taco!
Your secrets are safe!
Jesus Christ, that was close!
Taco!
Father, I'm so sorry.
The completely innocent trophy
that we're looking for is in the
cabinet.
Just... please.
Hmm?
Aah! Dear God!
Oh, my God!
Pull the cat off!
No, cat...!
Oh, no...
Are you okay?
You're going to Hell!
All of you!
You're going to Hell!
I try to tell them.
You're all fornicators!
Fornicators!
Not every day. That cat scratched the
shit out of Father Muldoon. For real.
Usually the pussy's only
furious at Andre.
- And also with you.
You guys getting, uh,
pretty religious, huh?
No, we just dropped the kids
off at Sunday school.
Yeah, we think it's nice for
them to get a moral boost that
they may not be receiving at
home.
And we get to watch football
with no kids around.
Wait, aren't you
supposed to be in church while
the kids are at Sunday school?
I don't think they check.
No, it's not like it's a
commandment.
Taco Corp is in a state
of emergency.
The EBDB's been compromised.
A brute force attack by the
Chinese crashed the EBDB and
left it vulnerable to hackers
breaking in through the back
door.
What are you talking about?
Last night I was driving the
EBDB van and I got into an
accident with the delivery guy
from the Chinese market.
After that, the back door
wouldn't close right.
And in the middle of the night,
someone broke into the van and
stole my Walkman.
So what?
On that tape was a recording
of me reading the entire Eskimo
Brothers Database.
Ooh...
Scandal.
This never would've happened
before Mark from Cuba took over
the company.
You know what I think?
The Chinese are in bed with the
Cubans.
Sounds like we're on the verge of a
Mark Cuban missile crisis. Yeah. Yeah.
Ooh!
Oh.
Oh!
Oh, my...
Rat! Kill it!
No, this is not a rat.
This is Milady.
Milady?
I rescued her.
And in many respects, I think
she rescued me.
Now let's get you some kibble.
Isn't that right? Come on. Yes.
Ew! God, Andre.
Oh, boy.
Oh, my God, this is...
It's like it's too easy.
Oh, wow.
I know.
We could literally sit here
all day long and make jokes
about how Andre's finally
getting some...
No, no, no, no, no, no.
We got to challenge ourselves,
Pete.
Oh, come on. It's such
low-hanging pussy fruit.
Look, we could still make the
jokes-- we just omit the word.
Okay, first person to break
and make a pussy joke has to
give up their best running back.
Wow.
Ooh, that has some teeth.
I like that.
I like that, too.
All right, we're doing this.
As league commissioner, I
sanction this bet.
Yeah?
Let's shake on it.
Yeah.
Come on.
Yeah, it figures, Andre
finally gets some pussy and it's
dirty and hairy from the street.
What is that?
You can't do that.
I didn't shake on it yet. I got one.
Uh, Andre... Aw... It's official.
You know, it's probably just
stress-related.
I'm the current champ in my
fantasy football league.
A lot of pressure to repeat.
Well, you definitely have
some blockage, and it can be a
lot of things.
It could be diverticulitis or
just a sluggish bowel, so I'm
gonna need a stool sample from
you.
What? Ew.
Okay.
No. Oh.
That's my coffee.
Oh.
No, I'm gonna get you a kit.
And over the next several days,
you're going to deposit your
fecal matter in it.
It's like a yogurt spoon.
And it can be used that way
but, for this, feces.
Put 'em in the blue bags, one
per day.
You tie it up and you put it in
the freezer.
Then in three days...
I'm sorry, I put it in the
freezer?
You can put it in the back so
you don't get confused.
And then, in three days, just
come back to the office and
we'll check it out.
All right, well, thanks for
being really cool about this and
not laughing at me.
Why would I laugh?
You're making me poop in a bag.
Poop's not funny.
Poop actually put my three kids
through college.
Where did they go?
Brown University?
My youngest did.
Really?
I've recently come into some
money, so I'm looking for a
place to live.
Oh, so you're still at your
old place?
Old place...?
My place.
Oh. Mon Dieu.
Hey, hey.
Andre, this is, uh, my friend
Penny.
Hello. How are you? Andre is a plastic
surgeon here. Number one in Chicago.
Okay, there's that, yeah.
Penny runs this really cool kind
of pet grooming company, so...
Pet grooming, that's such a
growth market.
I love it.
Oh, thank you.
I'm-I'm really excited because
it's brand-new and it's, like,
got some edge to it.
Okay. You know, for pets with attitude,
there is "Cattitude." I love it.
I loved it, too.
Yeah!
I still don't get it.
You gotta get a cat an
attitude.
Oh, speaking of, I have to go
pick up my new business cards.
Okeydokey.
So, um, it was so great
meeting you guys.
Um... à tout à l'heure.
Au revoir.
What?
Is she French?
Uh, no.
Is she Canadian?
No.
Cajun?
No, she, um... she just
thinks, you know, speaking in
French is classy, so...
In my experience, people that
use the word "classy" are rarely
ever classy.
Yeah, it's a paradox.
Like Schrodinger's cat.
What's Schrodinger's cat?
All right, there's a box and
inside that box there's a cat,
but you don't know if it's alive
or dead. But if you open the box, you
kill the cat. Well, in my experience,
keeping the box closed kills the
cat.
It's another paradox.
No, I know the cat's dead.
It stops moving.
All right, don't... Please.
Oh, I should ask Penny for help.
ChiTown Style's doing a, uh...
a piece on professionals and
their pets, and I'm gonna do a
little spread with Milady.
Okay, so you're doing a
spread for camera, and you're
gonna show your... Milady?
Yeah!
You got to make sure it's
nice and trim.
I mean, this isn't the late '70s
anymore.
You don't want some wild, hairy,
crazy... feline.
No.
Oh, my God. No way.
When the hair's all over the
place, it makes her look way
older.
Well, you know what a lot of
people are doing now, they're
just waxing their-their
Miladies.
I don't think that the cat
would stand for that.
It's pretty painful.
There are a lot of hairless
cats though, I noticed.
I don't want a hairless Milady.
I like a little bit of fur there
just so I can kind of get lost
in it when I touch it.
Oh, that reminds me, can I shoot
this at your house?
Why?
Well, 'cause you have that
place set and if this works out
as good as I think it will, you
might have a centerfold of me
playing with Milady on your
front lawn.
Great.
Wow.
Oh, my gosh, it's, uh, Devin
from my spin class.
I want to talk to you about that
mix I sent you.
Okay, look, you have an
opportunity to pull an
unbelievable prank on Andre.
What are you talking about?
Just tell Penny that Andre
wants Milady groomed with a ton
of cattitude.
I mean, cattitude for days.
That way when she's done, Milady
will look as ridiculous as
Andre.
Oh, this is brilliant.
Yeah.
This is huge.
Guys, I know we're not
allowed to make pussy jokes
about Andre's cat, but can we at
least make jokes about Andre's
cat's actual vagina?
I got a good look at it, and it
is disgusting.
Looks like Jabba the Hutt's eye.
I can't believe I'm doing this.
All right, I'm just gonna tuck
you right in there.
Cover you with vegetables...
and a bogey.
Yeah. Great.
I have built myself a little
feces fort.
Oh, my God, you scared me.
Hey.
You and Daddy are sinners.
Who told you that?
You worship false idols.
I learned about it in Sunday
school.
We don't worship false idols.
What about this?
That is the Shiva.
Then destroy the Shiva.
What?! You watch your mouth,
lady.
See? Sinners!
Enjoy your eternity in Hell!
Ugh, I'm already there.
Sinner!
She's crazy.
She directly takes after your
mother. Ignore her like you do my mom.
How was that doctor's
appointment the other day?
You know, it was great.
Everything good?
Yeah. Everything is great.
Ooh.
Ew, peas.
Ew...
Ooh, pizza bites!
Pizza bites.
These are really weird requests.
Are you sure he wants his cat to
look like this for the photo
shoot?
Have you met Andre?
Yeah, you're right.
That's a stupid question.
All right, good.
I'm just really nervous
because this is a big
opportunity for me because Andre
said that if he loves my work,
he's gonna recommend me to all
of his clients.
And you know those ladies perm
their poodles on a regular
basis.
Oh, so this is big?
Oui. Très masse.
And you were so nice to set this
up for me that I really want to
do something nice for you.
I... I was not nice.
I would've done it for anybody.
That's fine. Fine.
No, you are helping turn
Cattitude from this dream I had
at Burning Man to a reality.
Mmm.
Mmm. Okay.
I got that pickup game
tonight for basketball.
You want to come?
Mm, I can't.
Penny is taking me out for a
special celebratory dinner to
thank me for getting her the
Andre job.
So, how's the prank coming
along?
Yeah. To be honest, I'm feeling a
little conflicted about the prank.
There's, like, feelings to
consider, and...
What?!
Look, Andre is gonna be super
pissed when he finds out about
the prank, okay?
Yeah.
And Penny's just having her
business starting out, and you
know how huge Andre's presence
is on Yelp.
Yeah, he gave me a two-star
review of Pubercuts.
That almost killed me.
He's gonna neg her business
to death, and then Penny and I
are just gonna be...
Maybe.
Yeah. Yeah, that's true.
Maybe? Oh... But it's still funny as balls.
Yeah. Super funny, so, you
have to... you have to do it.
Yeah. You have to do it.
What do you mean, I have...?
I don't have to do anything.
Yes, you do.
You have to do the prank.
We thought of a great prank, and
now it has to be done.
Look at this.
Text from Penny.
"OMG. So excited for tonight,
mon cher."
She's so excited!
Yes!
Yes, but she does that
annoying French thing.
Look, you are this league's
historian.
You want people looking back and
saying, "Oh, in 2014, I think
Pete dated a girl for a couple
months", or "In 2014, Pete
Eckhart pulled off the greatest
prank of all time"?
Yes, because he did that
messed up thing to Andre's...
Aah!
No. I didn't say it.
I didn't say it.
You were on the cliff.
You almost did. No, I didn't
even hit the first "S." Hey...
look who made it.
Father Muldoon, how are you?
Hey, your, uh, your
daughter Ellie-- she's doing
great, really taking to the
scripture.
Oh, we've-we've noticed.
It's a great opportunity,
'cause it lets you guys come to
Mass.
It's been a really great
experience for all of us.
Hey, where were you guys last
Sunday?
I was looking for you.
We were, like, right by
the... the stained glass.
Which one?
The one with the woman
kissing the little kid...
The baby Jesus.
That's a baby?
Listen, I'm just, uh, glad
you guys are getting in there.
It's nice.
Yeah, I know-- it's just a
great experience for our whole
family, you know, because Ellie
gets to go to the daycare, we
get to go to Mass.
Sunday school.
Yes.
It's not a baby-sitting
service, it's a Sunday school.
It's the Lord's daycare,
because he's a shepherd, watches
over the sheep with all...
You boys are ready?
Oh. Yeah, let's do this.
It's game time. Let's go.
You guys ready?
Yup.
Stretch it out, come on.
Come on, let's do this.
Try to keep up, padre.
Come on, bringing that... Oh!
Come on. Oh, oh. Come on, geez.
Oh, yeah, and the Lord said
"Let there be net!"
Uh, uh, uh, uh, mm.
Ow!
Oh, yeah.
What?
Go, go, go!
No, you got it, you got it!
Yeah! All in your face.
You like that? You like that?
Oh, yeah!
He fouled me, man.
Jesus Christ!
Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh!
Sorry. Sorry.
Ball, ball. Hit it.
Deliver us from... evil.
Oh! Oh, my...!
Yeah! Yeah!
What the hell?!
Shoot quicker!
He's fouling me every time!
Yeah. What? Huh? What? Huh?
Oh, yeah.
No.
Uh... Ah! Holy Trinity!
Boom shakalaka.
Oh, God!
Oh, yeah! Yeah!
No. Foul, man. Foul.
Huh?
You keep pushing everyone.
I preach hard, I play hard.
You got a problem with that?
No... Father.
Huh? That's what I thought.
Whoo! Come on!
God. Oh, look at this shiner that
this priest gave me in basketball.
Guy's out of his mind.
He's fouling like crazy.
Well, the heavenly fouler
works in mysterious ways.
No, no. You know what?
I don't care what the guy does
for a living. You get up in his
face, and you yell. He's right.
I can't. Not only is the guy
my priest, but he's also my free
daycare, so, show some respect.
Hey, is Penny gonna be ready
tomorrow, for me to drop off
Milady?
Tomorrow? Tomorrow?
That's really soon.
Well, the shoot is this weekend.
Yeah. Yeah, I just don't know if
Penny's ready yet to make that call...
I'm sure her schedule's
probably open.
Probably. I'll drop her off
tomorrow.
Thank you.
That'll be great.
You're all serious about
false idols!
"Depart from me, ye cursed, into
the eternal fire that I prepare
for the Devil and his angels."
Matthew 25:41.
You know what? Depart from in front of
the TV, cursed. Uncle Pete, 8:18 p.m.
Enough with this!
Go to your room!
Go do homework or something
productive.
You're all fornicators and
sodomites!
Wow! The tiny televangelist
is a real bummer.
She couldn't possibly know
what those words mean.
Well, she did look at Andre
when she said "sodomite."
I...
Yeah, and she didn't look at
either of you guys when she said
"fornicators."
Ha. Maybe this Sunday school daycare
idea has bit us in the ass.
Yeah. Seems like you reap what you sow.
Really? You dare to stand on
moral high ground?
You, who outsourced your team?
What does that have to do
with anything?
What?
Because you cheated, Andre.
You cheated us, and you cheated
Shiva.
Oh, I did not cheat Shiva.
Yeah. You owe us and Shiva
ten Hail Shivas.
Right. Right now.
I'm not doing that.
No.
Do you want to win this year,
Andre?
Okay, fine.
Twenty!
Oh, hail Shiva, full of
grace, my roster is with thee.
Oh, hail Shiva. Oh, hail Shiva.
- Oh, hail Shiva.
- Oh, hail Shiva!
Oh, hail Shiva.
Oh, hail Shiva.
Oh, hail Shiva.
Oh, hail Shiva!
Oh, hail Shiva!
Oh, hail Shiva...!
Yes, hail Shiva.
Uh, gentlemen, I've come to a
very difficult decision.
The EBDB's very sensitive data
has been compromised by the
Chinese, so, I've decided to
inform all of my clients that
their private information has
been exposed.
So, Pete, the world may find out
that you are Eskimo brothers, through
Gina Gibiatti, with Sisqo. Who?
"Thong Song."
Yeah!
No!
And Kevin, through your
joyless humping with Jenny last week,
you are now connected to Rafi. What?
He was watching through the
window while masturbating.
Ew. Aw. Aw.
Oh, my God.
And Jenny, the world may find
out that you and I are Eskimo
sisters.
Excuse me.
Yeah, I slept with a girl that Jenny
slept with in college. What?!
Ooh.
Becky.
Oh.
Mm.
Oh!
Okay, wait.
Should we get Ellie?
She might have something to say.
Ellie? Ellie, come in here.
No. No.
No, no, no. No, no. No, no.
What? No?
What happened?
Okay, my field hockey team--
we were on the road, our bus
broke down, they put us up at a
janky Days Inn, they stuck us
two in a room, and Becky
and I...
This is like a Cinemax movie.
Hold on, I've got to get
Ruxin on Facetime. He's...
No.
No, no, no, he already knows.
I e-mailed him.
What? No, no. I...
I cannot believe this! No!
It was like a team
trust-building exercise.
Come on!
Guys, I'm so sorry this
information has leaked.
Wish there was something I could
have done to avoid it.
Are you kidding me?!
Yeah. I'm...
Are you kidding me?
In front of everybody over
there, I have to find this out?!
It's kind of hot.
No more secrets, okay?
Okay, no more secrets.
God.
No more secrets.
Okay.
What? Is it bad?
It's not great. All right, so, who's my
Eskimo brother or sister? You're good.
What do you mean I'm good?
I'm good?
You're good. Check out, like, a really
embarrassing one, like, John Tesh?
No. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have yelled
at you. It's just, I've had a really
shitty day.
Just shit after shit after shit!
It's a real shitty day for you.
Or, like, somebody from, uh,
2 Live Crew.
No.
This feels great, though.
Ow!
Ellie?
Oh, my God.
Ow! Ow!
Are you okay?
Are you okay? What?
Yeah, the stupid idol fell on
my head.
Oh, honey.
Okay, baby, here, put this on
your head, go ahead.
Ah, no. You know, let me get
you a Boo-Boo Kitty.
No, this is fine.
Yeah, leave that on there.
Okay, you know what?
Shiva's gonna go in the garage.
Just until this phase passes.
Yeah, let's put the Sacko in
there for consistency, too.
Uh, no.
Nope.
Not happening.
No way.
You know what, babe?
I think you're good.
No, no, no, got to leave this
on.
Ice helps with the swelling.
Ew!
I, uh, I kind of love football.
We should totally watch
football together.
Um... okay.
Yeah.
Aah! God... What do you think? Wow, I l...
I love it, I wish
it was a little less.
Oh, like a little less?
Still less, I think.
What about nothing?
Nothing's good.
Very good.
Can't tell with these two
hats-- do I want to get laid
or do I want to get paid.
Is there another option?
Both. But you made all this from scratch?
I learned to cook in
Provence. Well, I learned to
eat in Chicago. Bon appétit.
Oh, my God, that's good.
Wait 16 minutes.
All right, I'm not waiting
16 minutes, no, no.
No, but, but... It's not hummus with
chickpeas, it's hummus with... Oh, wow.
Salmon roe.
Now, take this in.
It's crab bladder...
...and algae.
No, no, no, no.
The gagging's normal-- you're
supposed to taste it twice.
Ooh. Shiva, give me guidance, please.
Hey, I was just thinking about
you.
Aw! I was thinking about you,
too.
So I got off early.
Voulez-vous manger avec moi?
Sure. Well, just think about what you
want to do. Yeah, I'm thinking about it.
Pick him up, you got him.
Aw, yeah.
What?
Yeah!
Dude, play some defense.
The guy is a lunatic, man.
He fouls all the time.
Leave me alone.
Man up.
Fine.
Pick him up, go.
Oh!
Foul, foul.
What is wrong with you?
Hey, hey, it was an accident,
okay? You've been playing like that
the whole time. I'm a man of God.
All right, you... I-I'm
sorry, you're right, Father.
Um, I have an ice pack, I will
get it for you.
A little warm, but it should
work.
I'm sorry, Father, I...
Got to watch those elbows--
it's crazy.
My emotions got the best of me.
Are you okay? It's okay, it's
fine, it's fine, I'm fine. Okay.
Oh, my God.
What is this?
What...?
Oh I... I think that's shit.
This is shit?
Oh... Excrement, e-excrement.
You threw a bag of shit at me?
No, no, no, no, that's not my
shit-- I don't know whose shit
that is.
Father, I am so sorry.
I-I... I will never miss Mass
again.
Is this a sin?
Yes, yes, it's a sin.
"Throw shit into a priest's
face" is a big sin!
Ugh.
I never read the Bible.
Hey, it's that guy again.
I want my data back, you
cyberterrorists.
I want my food back.
Never.
There's no free food here. It's not a
homeless shelter, you bad boy! Go there.
The database!
Ha-ha! Yes, my Eskimo brothers are safe.
Oh.
I don't know.
The punk-- he vanished. Guess I'm
gonna be in here for a while. Ooh.
Dumpster Ding Dong.
Best day ever.
So in your mind, the right
move was to take a frozen
poo-poo kitty and put it on your
priest's face?
It was more like a boo-boo
shitty.
Enough. You're embarrassed
by your crapsicles? Stop.
Right.
Shit pops.
Stop. Guys... does this
say "professional?" No.
No.
You're right-- this does.
That's the one.
Where is Taco?
He should be home with Ellie
by now.
I don't know.
Bonjour, mes amis.
Hey, Penny.
Hi.
Oh, my God, I'm so excited.
Milady is ready for her
close-up. Come, Milady, come, come,
Milady-- here he is.
Oh, wow.
Wow.
What did... What did you do?
What did you do?
Did you tattoo her?
Yeah, that... I thought
that's what you wanted.
You nailed it.
That's some cattitude.
Why would you do this?
I'm so confused right now.
Here's something you won't be
confused about: I'm a master
reviewer on Yelp, and no one
will be soliciting your business
anytime soon.
I didn't get that gold star for
nothing.
Milady, Milady!
Wow.
Okay, I-I am so sorry.
I thought this is what Andre
wanted.
Look, you're a great girl,
but this was a phenomenal prank.
Wait, je suis très confuse.
You... Are you saying that you
chose a prank over me?
Sometimes you come to a spork
in the road.
Tatanard! I don't think that means
anything. Yeah, well, you know what
this means.
Whoa.
Au revoir.
Au revoir, you dick!
You're my hero, buddy.
All right, I got to get some
pictures of that cat.
Get it.
Oh, I, uh...
Hey.
Fa-Father Muldoon! Wow!
I had to drive your daughter
home because her uncle neglected
to pick her up.
I... I-I apologize.
My brother Taco can be a little
bit flaky.
You also broke your promise
about coming to Mass, Kevin.
I-I was a little nervous
that you were gonna try to get
me back by replacing the
communion wafer with, uh...
you know, stuff?
You know I can't lie to your
daughter, if she asks if her
parents are going to Hell.
We're not going to Hell.
No.
We're law-abiding Catholics.
Really? I... also hear that you worship
a pagan idol called "Shiva"? They do!
No, we are in a fantasy
football league, and the
trophy's called the Shiva.
You know what?
Let me just show it to you.
It's right over here.
It's so innocent.
Come see.
The trophy's right in here.
Right this way, Father.
Oh, God!
Oh, my God!
Taco, you were supposed to
pick up Ellie.
Well, I couldn't because the
goddamn Chinese were chasing me.
But I got away, and guess what I
found... ♪ Ta-da! ♪
Now no one's ever gonna find out
that you let a homeless person
jerk off to you having sex!
No, no!
Jenny, don't worry, no one's
going to know that you had sex
with another woman--
No, Taco!
Your secrets are safe!
Jesus Christ, that was close!
Taco!
Father, I'm so sorry.
The completely innocent trophy
that we're looking for is in the
cabinet.
Just... please.
Hmm?
Aah! Dear God!
Oh, my God!
Pull the cat off!
No, cat...!
Oh, no...
Are you okay?
You're going to Hell!
All of you!
You're going to Hell!
I try to tell them.
You're all fornicators!
Fornicators!
Not every day. That cat scratched the
shit out of Father Muldoon. For real.
Usually the pussy's only
furious at Andre.