The League (2009–2015): Season 6, Episode 6 - Breast Awareness Month - full transcript
Andre uses Breast Cancer Awareness Month as an excuse to wear pink. Taco starts his own Charity. Kevin has a run in with his doctor.
So how are you doing, Mr.
MacArthur?
Pretty good. Any side effects
from the Andro-Lube? No, not really, no.
I mean, except for the burning.
Ugh.
Did you put it directly on
your penis?
Yes, very generously.
We had a pretty thorough
conversation about how you
should not put it directly onto
your genitalia.
I don't recall that.
You don't? They should probably put
that on the label. Oh, it's on there.
Did you, uh, read the label?
Nope.
Right, but it's effective for
you?
Yes. Except, don't get it in
the hole, because then...
You put it directly in the hole?
Game-changing. Because I
figured, you know, why not start
from the inside out?
Well, there are several
medical reasons you wouldn't do
that.
Horrible.
Uh-huh.
Should I be worried?
In very rare cases, there are
growths and tumors, but your
blood and urine samples should
be back soon.
In the meantime, why don't we
just do a manual check. Lift up the
hood, see what we got. All right.
There we go. Got any big plans for
the weekend? Wouldn't say big.
No?
How about you?
Heading up to Lake Geneva
this weekend with my boyfriend.
Boyfriend? Boy... There a problem
with that, Mr. MacArthur?
No. No, no, no, no, no.
I love gay doctors.
Oh, do you? Yes. My ear, nose and
throat guy: gay. Like, flaming gay.
Flaming?
Flaming!
So you think we're all flaming?
I wouldn't put you in the
category of flaming.
Mm-hmm.
He's in flaming.
You're in Anderson Cooper.
I see.
It seems like you're taking
this the wrong way.
I'm saying you would love this
guy.
You're trying to set me up
with him, is that it?
Maybe. I-I mean...
Even though I've established
I already have a boyfriend?
Because we're all promiscuous
and we'll just sleep with anyone
that comes along.
I thought that was one of the
perks.
I think your lab work should
give us everything we need to
know.
Have a good day, Mr. MacArthur.
Enjoy Lake Geneva.
Use protection... sunscreen.
I know what I did was wrong, but
I just find it weird. I do.
I disagree.
If you want the best penis
doctor, you're not gonna find
anyone more expert than a gay
- man.
- I mean, the man takes
his work home with him.
Like me, his profession is his
passion. JENNY: It's totally normal, Kevin.
You met my gynecologist...
single, straight guy, drives a
motorcycle, really strong hands.
All right, all right, all
right, thank you, thank you.
But it's not weird.
No, it's weird.
I mean, would you like if your
girlfriend went to a male
gynecologist?
This is not an issue for me.
Rosette and I broke up.
Those love pants didn't do
- anyone any favors.
Hey-hey!
Oh, my God.
Wow, wow, wow.
Andre.
Look at this!
Thank you very much. Did you Bling
Ring Elton John's house? Oh, the pink?
I'm wearing it for Breast Cancer
Awareness Month.
So you're telling us that you
purchased the hat, the shirt,
the sweater and the shoes all
for Breast Cancer Awareness
Month?
Well... I purchased them
separately, but I thought this
was a great opportunity to
wear...
You are so full of shit.
Andre, look, if you want to wear
pink, just wear pink.
You don't have to exploit breast
cancer awareness for your
fashion purposes.
I'm not exploiting it.
NFL players wear pink in
October.
I'm like an NFL player.
Kevin, back us up on this.
This is ridiculous, right?
I can't.
I'm on homophobe probation.
Thank you.
Oh, God.
No.
I'm going to get a drink.
You're not seeing patients in
that ensemble, are you? No. I have a
pair of pink scrubs, you dummy. Perfect.
Hey, can I get another beer
please?
Pete. What are you doing out
on a work night? Oh, hi, Amy.
I'm trying not to get busted by
someone I work with.
I won't tell the
King of Chardonnay unless you
do.
Deal. I like your style.
You look good out of the office.
Well, you look good out of
the office, and you look good in
the office.
Oh. Aren't you dating Rosette
from digital marketing?
No. That is over.
That ship has sailed.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I'm not that sorry.
When's Ruxin coming back anyway?
Who cares?
Guys, I just got a date.
With who?
Back in the game.
Check it out.
At the bar right there.
Oh, the Asian girl?
Yeah.
Yeah, but that's two Asian
girls in a row.
So what?
Yeah, you can't do that.
Why not? 'Cause that means you
have an Asian thing. Yeah.
And girls don't want to date
a guy who has any kind of thing.
Yeah. Then they wonder, like,
oh, is he into submissive girls?
Has he been rejected by his own
kind?
Is he only attracted to women
with boyish figures?
Yeah, like Kevin. Hey, I don't have a
boyish figure. Whoa, I got a text from
Korea.
It's Ruxin saying when he first
met you, he thought you were a
pre-op transsexual.
What? Are you just having that phone
on so Ruxin can insult me from Korea?
No, that's from before.
He sent me a list of insults,
and I junpet's appropriate.
Oh, here's one.
"Pete, stop giving Kevin a hand
job underneath the table."
Oh...
He apologizes.
He says it's obvious, but he's
very busy.
Hey.
Ah! Ellie, what the hell?
Language.
It's for charity.
You owe me a dollar.
For this ribbon you just
stabbed me with?
It's for breast cancer
awareness.
Ellie, I'm aware.
You're aware.
Nobody is not aware of breast
cancer.
Fine, here.
Tell me when it's November.
That's Bullying Awareness Month.
Oh, that's more appropriate.
You know what, I'm done here.
Do you want to just go for
frozen yogurt?
Yeah.
Awesome. Help me up.
Feral child.
Mmm. Ooh. Mom, you have to weigh and
pay before you eat. Oh, please.
I insist.
Really?
You're very brave.
Thanks.
Um... so are you.
Parents, right?
Oh, it's on the house.
Really?
Free yogurt?
All month long.
Thank you.
Uh, there is one more though,
and she's got, like, 40 bucks
worth of toppings.
That's on us, too.
You are so brave.
Wow. Um, thank you. My mom had
breast cancer, too. Really?
Now it's just me and my daddy.
I don't know how you juggle
it all.
I know. These kids are a
nightmare.
Ellie, come on.
Let's go. You've got enough.
Thank you again so much.
I am coming back.
Yes, you are gonna be back
for so many more free yogurts.
Thank you. You just keep that
fighting spirit. You got this.
What's up, Bill?
I've noticed something
lately.
Something I didn't know before,
and I'm frankly quite surprised.
Listen, if there's an issue,
I'm happy to... I didn't know
you had an Asian thing. Right?
Wait... uh, Bill, just
because I dated Rosette and
now I think Amy's cool, it
doesn't mean I have an Asian
thing. Listen, when you date two out
of my four Asians, that's a thing.
It's not a big deal.
Everybody's got a thing.
Myself... I'm into horsey-face
women.
I'm sorry, did you say
"horsey-face women"?
Uh-huh. Women with long jaws
and teeth.
Nostrils that flare up when they
get angry.
Or excited.
Okay, yeah, I got it.
I guess... Got your Carly Simons, your
Alanis Morissettes. Hilary Swank, ooh.
Wow.
Yes? Mr. Haddock, we're ordering lunch.
What are you in the mood for?
I don't know, what do you
think about some sushi, Pete?
Okay, right.
Time to pick a
kicker, Chalupa Batman.
It's the having to eat your
vegetables of the fantasy world.
Hey, guys.
That new yogurt place is
amazing.
They're just, like, doling out
free yogurt, "Come back
anytime."
Really? They're nice, huh?
Yeah, they were super nice.
You think they were nice
because they think that you have
cancer?
What?
Babe, they saw you in the
bandana; that's what they think.
Just because I'm wearing a
bandana, I have cancer?
I don't think so, Kevin.
Yes! People equate bandanas
with cancer.
Just like they equate fanny
packs with tourists.
And-and long skirts and high
collars with bipolar, you know?
It's a disease, that's what...
People put two and two together.
Stop.
Speaking of disease, I need
you to check this out.
What? We are not doing this
in the dining room.
First of all, that has never
stopped us before. Second of
all, this is bad, okay? Whoa!
There is something wrong.
I went to Dr. Ewing, and he
would not give me the
examination I needed him to.
Is that how they do it?
So you got to do it.
Give me your hand.
No, I'm not... no.
It's called a self-exam
because you do it to yourself.
When you invite someone else to
do it, it's foreplay, which I am
down for, but not right now.
Early detection is the key.
What if I end up losing one, or
maybe even both of my balls?
I mean, they've kind of
served their purpose, right?
You're being very dramatic.
I think you've kind of become a
hypo-cock-driac.
Oh, really?
Mm-hmm.
Well, there's something
wrong, and you're gonna be real
sad when we're burying my
testicles in the backyard.
They're fine, I promise.
No, look at them please!
No.
One's heavier than the other!
I can't see Dr. Ewing for
another two weeks, so I don't
know what to do.
I-I mean, there's something
really wrong down there.
You have, like, testicular
Munchausen's.
No, Andre, you would not know
what it's like to have a pretty
cock and great balls.
Now, granted, my cock has taken
some abuse over the years, with
the naginata and the fire, but
my balls are still great.
These are blue chip balls,
Andre.
Okay, all right.
Why are we talking about balls
so much, here? Isn't this Breast
Cancer Awareness Month? It is.
You know we have to go to a
bake sale now at Ellie's school?
For breast cancer awareness?
Yes.
Can someone please explain to me
how selling me a snickerdoodle
is going to cure the problem of
cancer?
Well, we can't cure the
problem of cancer, but we can
cure the problem of bye weeks if
you take Golden Tate and I take
Torrey Smith.
It's a fair trade, am I right?
Okay, fine, we can make
that... ouch!
Jesus, Andre! How long have you been
single now? I don't know, like, what,
like 13 months and five days?
Oh.
Salami vice.
Yeah, he's got salami vice.
He's got that death grip.
How many times a week you
jerk off, Andre?
30? 40?
Okay, I am not sitting around
my apartment jerking off, okay?
Trixie and I had a very
passionate love life and that
fire burned very hot...
- Ugh... - ...and I need to keep on
putting coal into that furnace...
No, no...
Okay, all right, enough.
Gentlemen.
Now that Taco Corp's made the
nut of all nuts, I've decided to
give back to society.
Taco Corp has started a
charitable wing called Taco
Cares and our first initiative
is Breast Awareness Month.
Breast Cancer Awareness.
No, no, no, no.
See, that's the problem.
Why celebrate the cancer?
We should be celebrating the
breast.
Vaginas have always gotten their
due credit, as they should.
Past 15 years have been great
for asses.
But what about the breast?
It's been a little forgotten.
I intend on bringing back the
golden age of the breast.
Even breasts like Jenny's
deserve some respect.
What's wrong with my boobs?
Kevin loves these boobs.
Yeah, I have to.
Who's with me?
That's the spirit, Pete!
Here you go, Kevin.
No, no... There we go. Yes!
Please, open up your wallets and
your bras and donate.
Wait, you're the one who has
all the money.
Well, as a charity, I'm not
gonna use my own money.
You know what? Enough.
I actually have a legitimate
problem.
You guys were right about this
whole Asian thing.
Everyone at the office has
started, like, whispering, like,
"Oh, Pete's got an Asian thing."
Which sucks, 'cause I actually
really like Amy. I don't want her to think
I have a fetish. You can't go Asian
back-to-back. You have to have a buffer
in there. That's kind of brilliant,
actually.
So, basically, I need to have a
full relationship with someone
non-Asian by Friday, break up
with her and then I'm clear for
Amy.
Where are you gonna find
someone by Friday?
Oh, I got somebody in mind. Amy...
Looking forward to Friday. Me, too.
Hey, Shauna.
Hi, Pete.
You know, I was thinking. You and
I should go out sometime. Yeah.
Yeah, yes, we could.
Any-any time you want, yes.
Great, how about tonight?
I'll just need to, um, run
home and turn off my Crock-Pot.
Unless you want to have
Crock-Pot meatballs.
No, you know what? Never mind.
My house is too dirty to have
people in.
Oh, you're blowing it.
Shauna, what are you doing?
Forget tonight.
Why don't we just go right now?
We just go to, like, a happy
hour or something?
Yes.
Let's go now.
All right, let me get my jacket.
Get your jacket.
I'll see you really soon.
It's not great, but it's okay.
Let's just get in here, get Ellie... And
12 cupcakes. ...and get out of here.
I just want to go home. Wait... were
you supposed to bake something? Eh.
I never do, though.
No one notices.
Okay.
What is Taco doing here?
I have no idea.
Just want you to know,
ladies, I am very aware of your
breasts.
Taco Cares, okay?
Breasts?
What are you doing?
This is a school.
Yeah, it's important.
I'm leaving behind some Breast
Awareness Month literature.
Did you guys know that one in
three nipples goes to bed
unfondled?
What is all this?
These?
These are sad nipples.
Is that Mom?
Yeah, yeah, that's Mom in the
'60s.
Her breasts looked great back
then, until you ruined 'em.
We ruined Mom's breasts. We.
This is Andre's Aunt Kiki.
She was a boat model.
Very large.
Who's that?
That's my neighbor Russ.
He's really out of shape.
Now, guys, would you like to
take part in our Sponsor a
Breast Program?
For only 30 cents a day, you can
sponsor a pair of Third World
titties.
Your money's gonna go towards a
bra and every month you get a
photograph of your breasts to
see how they're doing.
No. No.
You guys are really not
charitable people whatsoever.
But you...
Those breasts need my awareness.
I'll be right back.
They're gonna kick us out.
Yeah.
Mom.
Hey.
Where are the cookies?
You didn't tell me I was
supposed to make any.
It's a bake sale.
It's implied.
Oh, man. Cheryl.
She is gonna totally ream me for
not baking anything. Will you just...
Well, you should've baked something.
It's a bake sale.
Just go cover for me.
No, I don't want...
Ah, the MacArthurs.
Hello, Cheryl.
Well, I see that you've come
empty-handed again. No, I... I have...
I brought my charm. Can't sell that.
Cheryl, hi. What's that you said about
showing up empty-handed? Oh. Oh...
Oh, my... when... when were
you diagnosed?
What?
I knew it!
You do have cancer!
And that is why I just
couldn't bake the cookies.
Of course.
There's actually someone that I would
really love for you to meet. Uh, Pam?
Pam! Pam... Hi. Hi. This is Pam.
She's Cindy's mom.
She has cancer, too.
That's right.
Oh, my God.
I'd love you to join us.
I have a support group that's
starting up in just a few
minutes in the choir room and
they say sharing is the best
medicine.
I would think medicine would
be the best medicine.
No. Like radiation and chemo and removal
and... Well, those are helpful, but
not entirely the best.
No, not like sharing.
No. Honestly, my prognosis is very good.
I feel great, I...
If-if you're too weak to
bake, you-you probably need our
help.
We have to take Ellie home.
Yes. This has been very tough on her.
While you're with Pam, I can
just take her to the children's
support group.
That's right, my daughter Cindy's in
there, so you can be with her. Thank you.
You're welcome. Let's-let's learn about
the three pillars of coping. Ah...
So why don't we head that way?
Give me one minute.
You take your time.
Thanks.
Oh, great, great, great.
Great, thank you.
Oh, my God.
You are lying to our daughter
that you have cancer to get out
of baking cookies.
I will tell her the truth
after the bake sale is over.
She is going to be thrilled it
was just a little pink lie.
We're going to the seventh
layer of hell.
I thought I lost you two.
Oh, no, no, no.
I gotta get you to come.
We have a terrific guest
speaker, so come on.
Let's go.
Oh...
Boy, you really enjoyed those
wings, huh?
Yeah.
I love little buffalos.
You can have mine if you
want. Just go ahead.
Oh, we can take 'em, wrap 'em
up, put 'em in my purse.
We can eat 'em for breakfast.
You know what?
I'm gonna take some pictures of
us.
All right. Let's get some
close-ups, here. Okay.
All right.
Look at us, like a real couple.
Okay. Okay, all right, good.
Let's get this going here.
Whoa, you're posting it to
Facebook?
Yeah, I'm gonna put it on
Twitter, I'm gonna put it on
Facebook, I'm gonna put it on
Vine.
All right, what do you think?
Should we be... Shpete?
Or what about Pauna?
We have a couple's name already?
Yeah. Come on.
Okay!
Let's get a good one... let's
get a good one right now.
Okay, a good one.
Yeah.
Oh, wow, that buffalo sauce is
really strong.
Yeah, it's real strong.
Oh, look at this. Well, well, well,
what do we have here? Oh, Shpete.
So cute.
Salami vice.
You're such a good girl.
Hungry?
Ooh, watch those fingers, girl.
Yeah.
So regal.
Ooh, excuse me.
Huh.
Not Asian.
He is really plowing his way
through that office.
Welcome, everybody.
I'm glad to see you here.
Let me introduce to you the
chairman and CEO of Taco Corp,
and its charitable foundation
Taco Cares, Mr. Taco MacArthur.
What?
What?
Thank you. Thank you.
I love the bandanas.
I am also a Guns N' Roses fan.
"Hello!
My name is 'Take-o.'"
It's very nice to meet you all.
Breasts are beautiful things.
But all too often, they go
unnoticed.
Like the homeless guy in the
street we walk right by on our
way to the vagina.
No. No, please.
Yeah.
Now, the breast has four parts.
The magma, the firm part, the
squishy part, and then the soft
part.
Before we get into the fun
stuff, I do have to talk about a
subject that's a little
uncomfortable: breast hygiene.
What?
Nobody wants a dirty titty.
No. No, Taco.
Oh, my God. You got to shine them titties
up with baking soda and buttermilk.
I'm sorry...
You just mix...
This... I don't understand
what this has to do with breast
cancer.
Nothing to do with cancer.
Why is everyone so obsessed with
cancer?
Because this is a breast
cancer support group, and you do
work for breast cancer
awareness.
No, no, no, no.
I never said cancer.
Do not put words in my mouth.
I am here to teach women the
importance of their breasts.
To tell them how special their
breasts are. Women like Jenny here,
who wasn't given much. What?
What? But she does so well with those
tiny little bee stings. How dare you?!
She has clearly had a radical
double mastectomy.
The fact that you haven't had
breast reconstruction and that
you walk around looking like
that... so courageous.
Good for you. Good for you.
What?
It's beautiful. And let's hear it for
her husband, who's here supporting her.
And he teaches us a very
valuable lesson: that he can
still light up, get active for
what is just a wasteland.
But he can grease it...
Thank you.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Whoa, Pam!
What?! Okay, this is no barren wasteland.
This is a beautiful wonderland
that he loves exploring.
They're not bad. I like them.
Now, that is the breast
awareness spirit.
Here you go.
Do you even have cancer?
Um... funny thing.
Um... no.
Oh...
The thing is, I am a
distracted, overextended mother,
and I didn't want to bake any
flipping cookies.
Okay, excuse my monster wife.
Okay? I am so sorry about
your cancer.
If it makes a difference, I
actually might have testicular
cancer. I might.
He might have cancer...
No. This is our month.
Your month is April!
You need to go.
Let's go. Let's go.
Great idea. Let's go.
Thank you so much.
Good-bye.
The cookies were lovely.
Hope to see you guys. That's right,
ladies, it's your month!
Hey, Shauna.
Oh, hi, Pete.
So, listen, I want to say,
this has been a very important
relationship to me. Ugh, wish
I could say the same. What?
I don't think we should see
each other anymore.
Wait, are you... are you
breaking up with me?
I feel like I saw kind of
everything you are.
There's really not much going
on.
You know when you go to a pool
at a hotel and you're like, "Oh,
yeah, this pool's sexy"?
Then you get in, you
realize the whole thing is just
two feet.
You can't dive anywhere.
And it's kind of dirty.
Think I get it. Everyone's, like, suntan
lotion is floating on it. It's gross.
You know what? Okay.
Good talk.
You're just like, "Ugh, I don't
want to get that in my mouth!" Hey.
Hey, Amy.
You ready for our date tonight?
What up, Pete?
Hey, Tyree. Uh, one second.
I'm just gonna finish up here.
Actually, I just needed Miss
- Amy for a minute.
- Hey.
So, uh, we good for tomorrow?
Yeah. I can't wait.
All right, baby.
See you then.
Later, man.
Bye, Tyree.
W-Wait, you're going out with
me on Friday night and then
you're going out with him on
Saturday night?
What's going on?
So, my ex-boyfriend was
black, and Tyree is...
: black.
Yeah, I noticed that.
And so I wanted to sandwich
you in between so people don't
think that I only date black
dudes, you know?
So you have a black thing.
Oh, yeah.
Big-time.
I got to say, I am honored
and humbled that you asked me to
do this.
I feel like it brings our
friendship to a whole new level.
Me, too. An all-time low.
You know, fine.
I'm not gonna do it.
It was a favor...
Okay, all right, all right.
Andre, would you please examine
my testicles?
Fine. Let me just kind of
explain what I'll be doing here
today. I'll be taking my hand... Uh-huh.
...and I'll be going under
your shaft, around your scrotum,
and I'm gonna be massaging...
Massaging? Yes. I will be getting from
the back, kind of rubbing up forward.
All right, I just want you to
check to see if something's
wrong please.
All right.
And here we go.
Getting close.
And that's me.
That's me.
Okay. All right.
And that's you. Hi.
I know. Just look right into my eyes here.
I will not... I will not look
into your eyes.
This trade we made was great,
and I'm excited about that.
Am I right, buddy? Come on.
Ow. Andre, please.
There you go, there you go.
Easy, easy, easy, easy, easy,
easy!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh! Ow!
It's my dick hand.
It's gotten more powerful.
Why would you use your dick
hand? Why wouldn't you use your ball hand?
I don't know. I was too busy
trying to make eye contact with
you, and I just got lost in the
moment!
Why are you using such a
tight grip on your dick anyway?
Well, if you have to know,
Trixie had a very tight lady
purse, and I just...
Oh, no, no, no.
No. No, thank you.
No, thank you.
I just need to re-create the
feeling, that's all. I mean, look,
it's not a weird thing. Oh, God.
You know, just... it's a
little extra pressure.
Look, we're still on for that
trade, am I right?
Fine, just... ow!
Oh, God!
Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God.
I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry!
Forget this happened.
I'm a monster.
Mr. MacArthur, what a
pleasant surprise.
Dr. Mike, thank you so much for
seeing me.
Uh-huh.
You know, your appointment
wasn't until next week.
I know, but I-I need you to
look at my balls.
You need me to look at your
balls?
Yes. I've been spending a lot
of time down there recently, and
something is not right, you
know?
One feels like an egg and one
feels like a little grape.
Uh-huh. A grape?
All I know is I haven't been
able to put my gel on for the
last five days.
I cannot tell you enough
times, you're not supposed to
put gel down there, sir.
Please, you have to take a
look at it.
All right. All right.
Okay.
Let's take a look.
No! No, no, no!
No, I... I can't.
I-I can't, I can't, I can't.
I can't do that.
What's wrong, Mr. MacArthur?
Did you just remember I'm a gay
doctor?
No. No, no.
Just, my buddy grabbed my balls
too tight.
Just squeezed them.
Okay. I think I see what's
going on here.
Oh, God, what is it?
You're confused.
What?
You're having a crisis in
regards to your sexuality.
Me?
I mean, you come in here, you
have your stereotypically limp
wrist, you have your pink
accessories.
No. No, no, no.
You wanted me to touch your
balls, and then you didn't want
me to touch your balls.
You want a gay urologist, but
you're also afraid of having a
gay urologist, because what if
you like it?
No, I'm not gay.
I'm married and have two kids.
Your wife... does she have a
boyishly athletic figure?
Does everyone say she's one of
the guys?
Sh... yes. Maybe.
And your male friends... are
you close to them?
Some might say too close?
No...
Will you please please please
just look at my balls?
Just put your hand back down there
and get grabbing, feel around...
Kevin, it's not going to work out with us.
It's too complicated.
But I want you to explore,
spread your wings.
What do you expect I would discover,
except that I've got ball cancer?
MacArthur?
Pretty good. Any side effects
from the Andro-Lube? No, not really, no.
I mean, except for the burning.
Ugh.
Did you put it directly on
your penis?
Yes, very generously.
We had a pretty thorough
conversation about how you
should not put it directly onto
your genitalia.
I don't recall that.
You don't? They should probably put
that on the label. Oh, it's on there.
Did you, uh, read the label?
Nope.
Right, but it's effective for
you?
Yes. Except, don't get it in
the hole, because then...
You put it directly in the hole?
Game-changing. Because I
figured, you know, why not start
from the inside out?
Well, there are several
medical reasons you wouldn't do
that.
Horrible.
Uh-huh.
Should I be worried?
In very rare cases, there are
growths and tumors, but your
blood and urine samples should
be back soon.
In the meantime, why don't we
just do a manual check. Lift up the
hood, see what we got. All right.
There we go. Got any big plans for
the weekend? Wouldn't say big.
No?
How about you?
Heading up to Lake Geneva
this weekend with my boyfriend.
Boyfriend? Boy... There a problem
with that, Mr. MacArthur?
No. No, no, no, no, no.
I love gay doctors.
Oh, do you? Yes. My ear, nose and
throat guy: gay. Like, flaming gay.
Flaming?
Flaming!
So you think we're all flaming?
I wouldn't put you in the
category of flaming.
Mm-hmm.
He's in flaming.
You're in Anderson Cooper.
I see.
It seems like you're taking
this the wrong way.
I'm saying you would love this
guy.
You're trying to set me up
with him, is that it?
Maybe. I-I mean...
Even though I've established
I already have a boyfriend?
Because we're all promiscuous
and we'll just sleep with anyone
that comes along.
I thought that was one of the
perks.
I think your lab work should
give us everything we need to
know.
Have a good day, Mr. MacArthur.
Enjoy Lake Geneva.
Use protection... sunscreen.
I know what I did was wrong, but
I just find it weird. I do.
I disagree.
If you want the best penis
doctor, you're not gonna find
anyone more expert than a gay
- man.
- I mean, the man takes
his work home with him.
Like me, his profession is his
passion. JENNY: It's totally normal, Kevin.
You met my gynecologist...
single, straight guy, drives a
motorcycle, really strong hands.
All right, all right, all
right, thank you, thank you.
But it's not weird.
No, it's weird.
I mean, would you like if your
girlfriend went to a male
gynecologist?
This is not an issue for me.
Rosette and I broke up.
Those love pants didn't do
- anyone any favors.
Hey-hey!
Oh, my God.
Wow, wow, wow.
Andre.
Look at this!
Thank you very much. Did you Bling
Ring Elton John's house? Oh, the pink?
I'm wearing it for Breast Cancer
Awareness Month.
So you're telling us that you
purchased the hat, the shirt,
the sweater and the shoes all
for Breast Cancer Awareness
Month?
Well... I purchased them
separately, but I thought this
was a great opportunity to
wear...
You are so full of shit.
Andre, look, if you want to wear
pink, just wear pink.
You don't have to exploit breast
cancer awareness for your
fashion purposes.
I'm not exploiting it.
NFL players wear pink in
October.
I'm like an NFL player.
Kevin, back us up on this.
This is ridiculous, right?
I can't.
I'm on homophobe probation.
Thank you.
Oh, God.
No.
I'm going to get a drink.
You're not seeing patients in
that ensemble, are you? No. I have a
pair of pink scrubs, you dummy. Perfect.
Hey, can I get another beer
please?
Pete. What are you doing out
on a work night? Oh, hi, Amy.
I'm trying not to get busted by
someone I work with.
I won't tell the
King of Chardonnay unless you
do.
Deal. I like your style.
You look good out of the office.
Well, you look good out of
the office, and you look good in
the office.
Oh. Aren't you dating Rosette
from digital marketing?
No. That is over.
That ship has sailed.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I'm not that sorry.
When's Ruxin coming back anyway?
Who cares?
Guys, I just got a date.
With who?
Back in the game.
Check it out.
At the bar right there.
Oh, the Asian girl?
Yeah.
Yeah, but that's two Asian
girls in a row.
So what?
Yeah, you can't do that.
Why not? 'Cause that means you
have an Asian thing. Yeah.
And girls don't want to date
a guy who has any kind of thing.
Yeah. Then they wonder, like,
oh, is he into submissive girls?
Has he been rejected by his own
kind?
Is he only attracted to women
with boyish figures?
Yeah, like Kevin. Hey, I don't have a
boyish figure. Whoa, I got a text from
Korea.
It's Ruxin saying when he first
met you, he thought you were a
pre-op transsexual.
What? Are you just having that phone
on so Ruxin can insult me from Korea?
No, that's from before.
He sent me a list of insults,
and I junpet's appropriate.
Oh, here's one.
"Pete, stop giving Kevin a hand
job underneath the table."
Oh...
He apologizes.
He says it's obvious, but he's
very busy.
Hey.
Ah! Ellie, what the hell?
Language.
It's for charity.
You owe me a dollar.
For this ribbon you just
stabbed me with?
It's for breast cancer
awareness.
Ellie, I'm aware.
You're aware.
Nobody is not aware of breast
cancer.
Fine, here.
Tell me when it's November.
That's Bullying Awareness Month.
Oh, that's more appropriate.
You know what, I'm done here.
Do you want to just go for
frozen yogurt?
Yeah.
Awesome. Help me up.
Feral child.
Mmm. Ooh. Mom, you have to weigh and
pay before you eat. Oh, please.
I insist.
Really?
You're very brave.
Thanks.
Um... so are you.
Parents, right?
Oh, it's on the house.
Really?
Free yogurt?
All month long.
Thank you.
Uh, there is one more though,
and she's got, like, 40 bucks
worth of toppings.
That's on us, too.
You are so brave.
Wow. Um, thank you. My mom had
breast cancer, too. Really?
Now it's just me and my daddy.
I don't know how you juggle
it all.
I know. These kids are a
nightmare.
Ellie, come on.
Let's go. You've got enough.
Thank you again so much.
I am coming back.
Yes, you are gonna be back
for so many more free yogurts.
Thank you. You just keep that
fighting spirit. You got this.
What's up, Bill?
I've noticed something
lately.
Something I didn't know before,
and I'm frankly quite surprised.
Listen, if there's an issue,
I'm happy to... I didn't know
you had an Asian thing. Right?
Wait... uh, Bill, just
because I dated Rosette and
now I think Amy's cool, it
doesn't mean I have an Asian
thing. Listen, when you date two out
of my four Asians, that's a thing.
It's not a big deal.
Everybody's got a thing.
Myself... I'm into horsey-face
women.
I'm sorry, did you say
"horsey-face women"?
Uh-huh. Women with long jaws
and teeth.
Nostrils that flare up when they
get angry.
Or excited.
Okay, yeah, I got it.
I guess... Got your Carly Simons, your
Alanis Morissettes. Hilary Swank, ooh.
Wow.
Yes? Mr. Haddock, we're ordering lunch.
What are you in the mood for?
I don't know, what do you
think about some sushi, Pete?
Okay, right.
Time to pick a
kicker, Chalupa Batman.
It's the having to eat your
vegetables of the fantasy world.
Hey, guys.
That new yogurt place is
amazing.
They're just, like, doling out
free yogurt, "Come back
anytime."
Really? They're nice, huh?
Yeah, they were super nice.
You think they were nice
because they think that you have
cancer?
What?
Babe, they saw you in the
bandana; that's what they think.
Just because I'm wearing a
bandana, I have cancer?
I don't think so, Kevin.
Yes! People equate bandanas
with cancer.
Just like they equate fanny
packs with tourists.
And-and long skirts and high
collars with bipolar, you know?
It's a disease, that's what...
People put two and two together.
Stop.
Speaking of disease, I need
you to check this out.
What? We are not doing this
in the dining room.
First of all, that has never
stopped us before. Second of
all, this is bad, okay? Whoa!
There is something wrong.
I went to Dr. Ewing, and he
would not give me the
examination I needed him to.
Is that how they do it?
So you got to do it.
Give me your hand.
No, I'm not... no.
It's called a self-exam
because you do it to yourself.
When you invite someone else to
do it, it's foreplay, which I am
down for, but not right now.
Early detection is the key.
What if I end up losing one, or
maybe even both of my balls?
I mean, they've kind of
served their purpose, right?
You're being very dramatic.
I think you've kind of become a
hypo-cock-driac.
Oh, really?
Mm-hmm.
Well, there's something
wrong, and you're gonna be real
sad when we're burying my
testicles in the backyard.
They're fine, I promise.
No, look at them please!
No.
One's heavier than the other!
I can't see Dr. Ewing for
another two weeks, so I don't
know what to do.
I-I mean, there's something
really wrong down there.
You have, like, testicular
Munchausen's.
No, Andre, you would not know
what it's like to have a pretty
cock and great balls.
Now, granted, my cock has taken
some abuse over the years, with
the naginata and the fire, but
my balls are still great.
These are blue chip balls,
Andre.
Okay, all right.
Why are we talking about balls
so much, here? Isn't this Breast
Cancer Awareness Month? It is.
You know we have to go to a
bake sale now at Ellie's school?
For breast cancer awareness?
Yes.
Can someone please explain to me
how selling me a snickerdoodle
is going to cure the problem of
cancer?
Well, we can't cure the
problem of cancer, but we can
cure the problem of bye weeks if
you take Golden Tate and I take
Torrey Smith.
It's a fair trade, am I right?
Okay, fine, we can make
that... ouch!
Jesus, Andre! How long have you been
single now? I don't know, like, what,
like 13 months and five days?
Oh.
Salami vice.
Yeah, he's got salami vice.
He's got that death grip.
How many times a week you
jerk off, Andre?
30? 40?
Okay, I am not sitting around
my apartment jerking off, okay?
Trixie and I had a very
passionate love life and that
fire burned very hot...
- Ugh... - ...and I need to keep on
putting coal into that furnace...
No, no...
Okay, all right, enough.
Gentlemen.
Now that Taco Corp's made the
nut of all nuts, I've decided to
give back to society.
Taco Corp has started a
charitable wing called Taco
Cares and our first initiative
is Breast Awareness Month.
Breast Cancer Awareness.
No, no, no, no.
See, that's the problem.
Why celebrate the cancer?
We should be celebrating the
breast.
Vaginas have always gotten their
due credit, as they should.
Past 15 years have been great
for asses.
But what about the breast?
It's been a little forgotten.
I intend on bringing back the
golden age of the breast.
Even breasts like Jenny's
deserve some respect.
What's wrong with my boobs?
Kevin loves these boobs.
Yeah, I have to.
Who's with me?
That's the spirit, Pete!
Here you go, Kevin.
No, no... There we go. Yes!
Please, open up your wallets and
your bras and donate.
Wait, you're the one who has
all the money.
Well, as a charity, I'm not
gonna use my own money.
You know what? Enough.
I actually have a legitimate
problem.
You guys were right about this
whole Asian thing.
Everyone at the office has
started, like, whispering, like,
"Oh, Pete's got an Asian thing."
Which sucks, 'cause I actually
really like Amy. I don't want her to think
I have a fetish. You can't go Asian
back-to-back. You have to have a buffer
in there. That's kind of brilliant,
actually.
So, basically, I need to have a
full relationship with someone
non-Asian by Friday, break up
with her and then I'm clear for
Amy.
Where are you gonna find
someone by Friday?
Oh, I got somebody in mind. Amy...
Looking forward to Friday. Me, too.
Hey, Shauna.
Hi, Pete.
You know, I was thinking. You and
I should go out sometime. Yeah.
Yeah, yes, we could.
Any-any time you want, yes.
Great, how about tonight?
I'll just need to, um, run
home and turn off my Crock-Pot.
Unless you want to have
Crock-Pot meatballs.
No, you know what? Never mind.
My house is too dirty to have
people in.
Oh, you're blowing it.
Shauna, what are you doing?
Forget tonight.
Why don't we just go right now?
We just go to, like, a happy
hour or something?
Yes.
Let's go now.
All right, let me get my jacket.
Get your jacket.
I'll see you really soon.
It's not great, but it's okay.
Let's just get in here, get Ellie... And
12 cupcakes. ...and get out of here.
I just want to go home. Wait... were
you supposed to bake something? Eh.
I never do, though.
No one notices.
Okay.
What is Taco doing here?
I have no idea.
Just want you to know,
ladies, I am very aware of your
breasts.
Taco Cares, okay?
Breasts?
What are you doing?
This is a school.
Yeah, it's important.
I'm leaving behind some Breast
Awareness Month literature.
Did you guys know that one in
three nipples goes to bed
unfondled?
What is all this?
These?
These are sad nipples.
Is that Mom?
Yeah, yeah, that's Mom in the
'60s.
Her breasts looked great back
then, until you ruined 'em.
We ruined Mom's breasts. We.
This is Andre's Aunt Kiki.
She was a boat model.
Very large.
Who's that?
That's my neighbor Russ.
He's really out of shape.
Now, guys, would you like to
take part in our Sponsor a
Breast Program?
For only 30 cents a day, you can
sponsor a pair of Third World
titties.
Your money's gonna go towards a
bra and every month you get a
photograph of your breasts to
see how they're doing.
No. No.
You guys are really not
charitable people whatsoever.
But you...
Those breasts need my awareness.
I'll be right back.
They're gonna kick us out.
Yeah.
Mom.
Hey.
Where are the cookies?
You didn't tell me I was
supposed to make any.
It's a bake sale.
It's implied.
Oh, man. Cheryl.
She is gonna totally ream me for
not baking anything. Will you just...
Well, you should've baked something.
It's a bake sale.
Just go cover for me.
No, I don't want...
Ah, the MacArthurs.
Hello, Cheryl.
Well, I see that you've come
empty-handed again. No, I... I have...
I brought my charm. Can't sell that.
Cheryl, hi. What's that you said about
showing up empty-handed? Oh. Oh...
Oh, my... when... when were
you diagnosed?
What?
I knew it!
You do have cancer!
And that is why I just
couldn't bake the cookies.
Of course.
There's actually someone that I would
really love for you to meet. Uh, Pam?
Pam! Pam... Hi. Hi. This is Pam.
She's Cindy's mom.
She has cancer, too.
That's right.
Oh, my God.
I'd love you to join us.
I have a support group that's
starting up in just a few
minutes in the choir room and
they say sharing is the best
medicine.
I would think medicine would
be the best medicine.
No. Like radiation and chemo and removal
and... Well, those are helpful, but
not entirely the best.
No, not like sharing.
No. Honestly, my prognosis is very good.
I feel great, I...
If-if you're too weak to
bake, you-you probably need our
help.
We have to take Ellie home.
Yes. This has been very tough on her.
While you're with Pam, I can
just take her to the children's
support group.
That's right, my daughter Cindy's in
there, so you can be with her. Thank you.
You're welcome. Let's-let's learn about
the three pillars of coping. Ah...
So why don't we head that way?
Give me one minute.
You take your time.
Thanks.
Oh, great, great, great.
Great, thank you.
Oh, my God.
You are lying to our daughter
that you have cancer to get out
of baking cookies.
I will tell her the truth
after the bake sale is over.
She is going to be thrilled it
was just a little pink lie.
We're going to the seventh
layer of hell.
I thought I lost you two.
Oh, no, no, no.
I gotta get you to come.
We have a terrific guest
speaker, so come on.
Let's go.
Oh...
Boy, you really enjoyed those
wings, huh?
Yeah.
I love little buffalos.
You can have mine if you
want. Just go ahead.
Oh, we can take 'em, wrap 'em
up, put 'em in my purse.
We can eat 'em for breakfast.
You know what?
I'm gonna take some pictures of
us.
All right. Let's get some
close-ups, here. Okay.
All right.
Look at us, like a real couple.
Okay. Okay, all right, good.
Let's get this going here.
Whoa, you're posting it to
Facebook?
Yeah, I'm gonna put it on
Twitter, I'm gonna put it on
Facebook, I'm gonna put it on
Vine.
All right, what do you think?
Should we be... Shpete?
Or what about Pauna?
We have a couple's name already?
Yeah. Come on.
Okay!
Let's get a good one... let's
get a good one right now.
Okay, a good one.
Yeah.
Oh, wow, that buffalo sauce is
really strong.
Yeah, it's real strong.
Oh, look at this. Well, well, well,
what do we have here? Oh, Shpete.
So cute.
Salami vice.
You're such a good girl.
Hungry?
Ooh, watch those fingers, girl.
Yeah.
So regal.
Ooh, excuse me.
Huh.
Not Asian.
He is really plowing his way
through that office.
Welcome, everybody.
I'm glad to see you here.
Let me introduce to you the
chairman and CEO of Taco Corp,
and its charitable foundation
Taco Cares, Mr. Taco MacArthur.
What?
What?
Thank you. Thank you.
I love the bandanas.
I am also a Guns N' Roses fan.
"Hello!
My name is 'Take-o.'"
It's very nice to meet you all.
Breasts are beautiful things.
But all too often, they go
unnoticed.
Like the homeless guy in the
street we walk right by on our
way to the vagina.
No. No, please.
Yeah.
Now, the breast has four parts.
The magma, the firm part, the
squishy part, and then the soft
part.
Before we get into the fun
stuff, I do have to talk about a
subject that's a little
uncomfortable: breast hygiene.
What?
Nobody wants a dirty titty.
No. No, Taco.
Oh, my God. You got to shine them titties
up with baking soda and buttermilk.
I'm sorry...
You just mix...
This... I don't understand
what this has to do with breast
cancer.
Nothing to do with cancer.
Why is everyone so obsessed with
cancer?
Because this is a breast
cancer support group, and you do
work for breast cancer
awareness.
No, no, no, no.
I never said cancer.
Do not put words in my mouth.
I am here to teach women the
importance of their breasts.
To tell them how special their
breasts are. Women like Jenny here,
who wasn't given much. What?
What? But she does so well with those
tiny little bee stings. How dare you?!
She has clearly had a radical
double mastectomy.
The fact that you haven't had
breast reconstruction and that
you walk around looking like
that... so courageous.
Good for you. Good for you.
What?
It's beautiful. And let's hear it for
her husband, who's here supporting her.
And he teaches us a very
valuable lesson: that he can
still light up, get active for
what is just a wasteland.
But he can grease it...
Thank you.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Whoa, Pam!
What?! Okay, this is no barren wasteland.
This is a beautiful wonderland
that he loves exploring.
They're not bad. I like them.
Now, that is the breast
awareness spirit.
Here you go.
Do you even have cancer?
Um... funny thing.
Um... no.
Oh...
The thing is, I am a
distracted, overextended mother,
and I didn't want to bake any
flipping cookies.
Okay, excuse my monster wife.
Okay? I am so sorry about
your cancer.
If it makes a difference, I
actually might have testicular
cancer. I might.
He might have cancer...
No. This is our month.
Your month is April!
You need to go.
Let's go. Let's go.
Great idea. Let's go.
Thank you so much.
Good-bye.
The cookies were lovely.
Hope to see you guys. That's right,
ladies, it's your month!
Hey, Shauna.
Oh, hi, Pete.
So, listen, I want to say,
this has been a very important
relationship to me. Ugh, wish
I could say the same. What?
I don't think we should see
each other anymore.
Wait, are you... are you
breaking up with me?
I feel like I saw kind of
everything you are.
There's really not much going
on.
You know when you go to a pool
at a hotel and you're like, "Oh,
yeah, this pool's sexy"?
Then you get in, you
realize the whole thing is just
two feet.
You can't dive anywhere.
And it's kind of dirty.
Think I get it. Everyone's, like, suntan
lotion is floating on it. It's gross.
You know what? Okay.
Good talk.
You're just like, "Ugh, I don't
want to get that in my mouth!" Hey.
Hey, Amy.
You ready for our date tonight?
What up, Pete?
Hey, Tyree. Uh, one second.
I'm just gonna finish up here.
Actually, I just needed Miss
- Amy for a minute.
- Hey.
So, uh, we good for tomorrow?
Yeah. I can't wait.
All right, baby.
See you then.
Later, man.
Bye, Tyree.
W-Wait, you're going out with
me on Friday night and then
you're going out with him on
Saturday night?
What's going on?
So, my ex-boyfriend was
black, and Tyree is...
: black.
Yeah, I noticed that.
And so I wanted to sandwich
you in between so people don't
think that I only date black
dudes, you know?
So you have a black thing.
Oh, yeah.
Big-time.
I got to say, I am honored
and humbled that you asked me to
do this.
I feel like it brings our
friendship to a whole new level.
Me, too. An all-time low.
You know, fine.
I'm not gonna do it.
It was a favor...
Okay, all right, all right.
Andre, would you please examine
my testicles?
Fine. Let me just kind of
explain what I'll be doing here
today. I'll be taking my hand... Uh-huh.
...and I'll be going under
your shaft, around your scrotum,
and I'm gonna be massaging...
Massaging? Yes. I will be getting from
the back, kind of rubbing up forward.
All right, I just want you to
check to see if something's
wrong please.
All right.
And here we go.
Getting close.
And that's me.
That's me.
Okay. All right.
And that's you. Hi.
I know. Just look right into my eyes here.
I will not... I will not look
into your eyes.
This trade we made was great,
and I'm excited about that.
Am I right, buddy? Come on.
Ow. Andre, please.
There you go, there you go.
Easy, easy, easy, easy, easy,
easy!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh! Ow!
It's my dick hand.
It's gotten more powerful.
Why would you use your dick
hand? Why wouldn't you use your ball hand?
I don't know. I was too busy
trying to make eye contact with
you, and I just got lost in the
moment!
Why are you using such a
tight grip on your dick anyway?
Well, if you have to know,
Trixie had a very tight lady
purse, and I just...
Oh, no, no, no.
No. No, thank you.
No, thank you.
I just need to re-create the
feeling, that's all. I mean, look,
it's not a weird thing. Oh, God.
You know, just... it's a
little extra pressure.
Look, we're still on for that
trade, am I right?
Fine, just... ow!
Oh, God!
Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God.
I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry!
Forget this happened.
I'm a monster.
Mr. MacArthur, what a
pleasant surprise.
Dr. Mike, thank you so much for
seeing me.
Uh-huh.
You know, your appointment
wasn't until next week.
I know, but I-I need you to
look at my balls.
You need me to look at your
balls?
Yes. I've been spending a lot
of time down there recently, and
something is not right, you
know?
One feels like an egg and one
feels like a little grape.
Uh-huh. A grape?
All I know is I haven't been
able to put my gel on for the
last five days.
I cannot tell you enough
times, you're not supposed to
put gel down there, sir.
Please, you have to take a
look at it.
All right. All right.
Okay.
Let's take a look.
No! No, no, no!
No, I... I can't.
I-I can't, I can't, I can't.
I can't do that.
What's wrong, Mr. MacArthur?
Did you just remember I'm a gay
doctor?
No. No, no.
Just, my buddy grabbed my balls
too tight.
Just squeezed them.
Okay. I think I see what's
going on here.
Oh, God, what is it?
You're confused.
What?
You're having a crisis in
regards to your sexuality.
Me?
I mean, you come in here, you
have your stereotypically limp
wrist, you have your pink
accessories.
No. No, no, no.
You wanted me to touch your
balls, and then you didn't want
me to touch your balls.
You want a gay urologist, but
you're also afraid of having a
gay urologist, because what if
you like it?
No, I'm not gay.
I'm married and have two kids.
Your wife... does she have a
boyishly athletic figure?
Does everyone say she's one of
the guys?
Sh... yes. Maybe.
And your male friends... are
you close to them?
Some might say too close?
No...
Will you please please please
just look at my balls?
Just put your hand back down there
and get grabbing, feel around...
Kevin, it's not going to work out with us.
It's too complicated.
But I want you to explore,
spread your wings.
What do you expect I would discover,
except that I've got ball cancer?