The League (2009–2015): Season 6, Episode 2 - Tefl-Andre - full transcript

KEVIN: I can't believe it, Doc. I mean...

low testosterone ...
that doesn't seem like me.

See, I feel like I could
eyeball it as soon as

you walked in the office.
And the tests confirm it.

I'm gonna give you a
prescription for a ... a gel.

I want you to rub that on your
upper arms twice a day.

- Andro-Lube?
- Mm-hmm.

- What is this?
- It is a highly-concentrated

- testosterone replacement gel.
- So, I just take this, rub it

- on my shoulders?
- That's correct.

- How much do I put on?
- Based on these results,



- I would go to town.
- Okay.

Just more than an average
person might use.

Wouldn't it make more sense
just to put it right

- on the root of the problem?
- It might seem that way to

a layman, but that is just not how
the human body works.

- I think it does.
- Let me explain it to you

as I might explain it to a child.
If you had a headache ...

- Mm-hmm.
- ... you wouldn't rub the

aspirin on your temples, would you?

- No, because it wouldn't work.
- It wouldn't work.

- No.
- You see? Mm-hmm.

Okay, all right.
Well, are there gonna be any

- adverse side effects for me?
- No, just boners.

I can live with that.
You know I'm gonna put this on



- my penis, right?
- I was almost certain of it.

6x02 - Tefl-Andre

PETE: So I found a detail in Ted's will.

It turns out, we get the beach
house only if we replace him.

Yeah, we just need to get
another member, that's all.

Which we have to do anyway.
We can't play with seven teams.

I mean, eight is sad enough as it is.

JENNY: Yeah, and we have got
to goose up this competition, you guys.

- Chuck is in and out of rehab, Taco ...
- TACO: Has been very busy with

the EBDB. Thank you
for that introduction.

Now, I know this league's
looking for another warm body,

but more importantly, Taco
Corp's board is looking for

a new member.
One of our founding board

members, Doke, drowned
in a sewer last week.

- Jesus.
- ANDRE: Oh, not Doke.

Told him not to live there,
but he loved his toy boat, so

what can you do?
Now, as you know, Taco Corp's

board is not like this league.
It doesn't take just anybody.

- Then how did you get in?
- Exactly my point.

Taco Corp has to be better than this.

- Better than this!
- Stop it!

Let me tell you about the best of the best.

Let's talk about my team.
Guys, are you nervous, excited?

- I'm shocked.
- I'm bewildered.

Yeah. I mean, you didn't
draft a punter in the first

- round. You didn't draft one commentator.
- I know. I thought for sure

- you'd take Randy Moss.
- Andre has turned over a newleaf.

Everything in my life is changing.
Success in all endeavors.

- RUXIN: Andre.
- ALL: Hey!

- How was the game?
- Okay.

Yeah. They got Geoffrey
playing a new, awesome position

- called deep right field.
- Well, you know what the

problem is? That mitt looks pretty
stiff. You know, maybe you got

to get some oils and just really
massage it, get it a little loose.

You know, like, pound the
palm so it feels like it's just

- gonna kind of explode ...
- Okay.

- Andre.
- Okay.

Geoffrey, so you needed
to use the bathroom, bud?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, he needs to wash away

- your words.
- It's right down the hall.

- Splash the seat, okay?
- Hey!

Honestly, I'll be lucky
if he can even hit the seat.

The kid is wildly uncoordinated.
He's got no feel for the game.

- He's got real weak arms.
- What do you expect?

- He's a Ruxin.
- Yeah, and I'd be fine with

that, except my firm
is sponsoring the team.

- So what?
- So, they've appointed this

douchebag partner named
Bethesda to run it, and so

if Geoffrey doesn't do
well, Daddy doesn't do well.

And if Daddy don't do well,
Mommy don't get a new car.

And if Mommy don't get a new
car, Daddy don't get

- his "D" dubbed.
- "D" dubbed?

- Dick wet.
- Boo.

[toilet flushes]

Hmm. Cool.

All right, well, the
season starts in ten days.

We got to find somebody to replace Ted.

Well, we could treat it like
your dating life and just ask

ten random people and
see if anyone bites.

Oh, no, we don't need that,
'cause we need an eighth member,

not-above-the-pants
hand jobs. Fives?

- Fives.
- Oh, fives.

Okay, I'm sorry. Is
anybody else noticing these

Andre slams are a little too clever?

- What are you talking about?
- Uh, what am I talk ... ?

Look, in my experience, no one
gets better at fantasy football,

and in the off chance they do,
they certainly don't

- get wittier talking about it.
- You trying to get at something here?

Are you sure you're not
getting any outside help?

Do I detect a sense of
jealousy? Don't worry.

You'll be great once
again, but until then,

I'll take the mantle.
Success in all endeavors.

I don't know, guys.
Smell something rotten with

Tefl-Andre, and it is not
just the Pitbull aftershave.

Although, it is also
the Pitbull aftershave.

Jay? Come in, Jay.
I think they're onto us, I thimk

- they're figuring it out.
- Andre, calm down, buddy.

You hang oith bunch of jag-offs. Trust
me, they haven't figured anything out.

It's not like that group's
splitting atoms

- anytime soon, man.
- That's a good one, Jay.

- We should totally use that.
- What, are you worried I'm

gonna run out of material, dude?
Trust me, I got you covered.

- You got an easy group of targets.
- Jay, I owe you big-time.

You know, if you're ever in Chicago,
you could totally crash at my place.

- That'll actually never happen.
- Hello? Jay? Jay? Must be broken.

So, we have any leads
on an eighth or what?

- No.
- No. I asked The Oracle, but

his dad just punched me in the dick.

Why don't we just ask Autodraft?

- He's always around anyway.
- He's already in another league.

Yeah, figures.

- We could try Rafi again.
- ALL: No!

Oh, why don't we just ask Russell?

- Huh.
- Russell?

- Wait, the sex addict?
- Yeah.

- It's not a bad idea.
- Look, we don't really have a

- lot of options at this point.
- I don't know, guys.

I mean, I'm flattered, but, no
offense, from what I've heard,

your league is more of
a social thing, right?

Less dependent on knowledge of the game.

Yeah, yeah, it's just a bunch
of dumb-dumbs.

No, no. You know what? We
don't even want a sex addict

- in our league anyway.
- Excuse me. I'm not a sex

addict anymore. I cured myself.

- How?
- I got off of sex, and now I'm

into wine. You can't
get addicted to wine.

- Of course not. Good point.
- Well ...

In fact, you guys got
to come check out this

wine bar where I'm
working. It is super cool.

Wine bar? I'm looking for a place.
Do they have lockers?

- 'Cause I like to leave my ...
- All right, enough, Andre.

Look, are you interested in this

- league or not? Come on.
- I'm not sure it's a good idea

for me to be in a shared fantasy
with a group of dudes where

every single post on the message
board is about someone sticking

something inside something
of someone else's.

But what if it's, like, very
well written with historical

references, science facts
and pop culture ideas?

I'll think about it. By the way, is
there any kind of hazing ceremony?

- Because that's a real turn-on for me.
- No.

No, we'll drop it for this one.

- See you guys.
- We got him.

We got him on the ropes.
Kevin, your job is to get in

- there and close this deal.
- No, no. Why me?

- Why do I have to do it?
- You're the commissioner.

And ask him if he wants
to be on the board of a

successful corporation.
The EBDB could really use

someone with his background of
having sex with a lot of strangers.

All right, Baby G, we got baseball
today. Got your new batting gloves.

No more books, okay?

You got chocolate milk on
your ... Whoa!

- That is not chocolate milk.
- [deep voice]: Get out of my room, Dad.

What are you oiling your glove with?
Andro-Lube?

Testosterone gel?
Geoffrey, are you juicing?

- Get out.
- God, my son looks like an

East German gymnast.

Gentlemen, now, I know this
league is still short a man,

but Taco Corp has finally decided
who its next board member's gonna be.

- And that lucky person is ...
- No.

- Not a chance.
- Pete, you're my first choice.

I just saw you point at
Kevin, Jenny and Andre before me.

If they said yes, I would
have said no. It was a test.

- What do you say, Pete?
- What the hell?

I will join Taco Corp as a board member.

- Really?
- Welcome to Taco Corp.

First things first.
There's a board meeting

coming up. Please dress
nicer than you usually do.

- And if you have drugs, bring them.
- Oh, hey, Kevin, what's up,

you human shit statue?
Thanks to you, my son

- has hit puberty.
- What?

Yeah. My son's got a huge
bush now, like those ladies in

those videos you search for on the Web.

Don't look at me like
I'm the pervert, okay?

You're the one getting off on
what I get off on, and I don't

get off on that.
Look at my search history.

'Cause you're not gonna find
little women with big bushes.

- That's not what I'm into.
- I don't know what this has

- to do with me, Ruxin.
- Because my son was oiling his

mitt with Andro-Lube.
And who is it prescribed to?

Kevin MacArthur.
"Keep out of reach of children.

May cause puberty to begin."
So, if you'll excuse me, I'm

gonna go home and wax my
son, you seedless watermelon.

- Oh.
- What is Andro-Lube?

- Are you juicing?
- No, I'm not juicing.

- I have hypogonadism.
- You're allergic to walnuts?

- No, I have low "T," low testosterone.
- Why would you not tell me that?

Because I didn't want
you to think any less of me.

Well, that's impossible. Fives.

- Oh, my God.
- This is not a joke, Andre.

I know. I'm upset, too. I mean, I lost
five dollars to Pete. I thought that

- Jenny would dry up before you would.
- Oh, more fives.

Can we stop with
this nonsense, please?

This is a serious medical
condition I'm dealing with.

Oh, come on, it's not a
serious medical condition.

Yes, it is. I actually
think that part of my

Sacko season last year was a
direct result of my low "T."

Oh, yeah, 'cause you were playing
in a dead-ball era.

- I had no "T" and I won the Shiva.
- Wow, this is a low point for the league.

- We're tainted by drug use.
- Taco, you are constantly

- taking drugs.
- Yeah, but those are

performance-decreasing
drugs. Ho! Fives!

- I got to give it up. They're good.
- That was pretty funny.

All right, Big J. Be a hitter today!

- Be a hitter now! Focus.
- Let's go, Baby Geoffrey!

Baby Jeffrey?
Come on, Jeff! Big J!

- Come on, fire him up.
- His-his name is Geoffrey with a "G."

With a "G"? What is that?

- What's your kid's name?
- Birth certificate says "Duke"

but we call him Big Thunder.
Come on now, Geoff!

Oh! Ow! Yeah!

Way to go, Big G! Holy
cow, what have you been

doing, extra batting
practice with this kid?

Yeah, something like
that, something like that.

This is good for everybody.
It's good for the team, it's

good for you, it's good
for me. We're winning!

All right, so I guess
I'm just gonna give ...

- Geoffrey more batting practice.
- Hey, babe, thank you.

- For what?
- You know, doing something

- about your ... issue.
- My erections?

- Yeah.
- You don't mind that I get

- a little wind-aided erection?
- No, are you kidding me?

I'm not the Olympics.
I don't mind an asterisk

- next to my orgasm.
- I give you orgasms?

- A couple over the years.
- Awesome.

And I will take those orgasms
no questions asked, Barry Boner.

- Stop it. Don't do that.
- Oh, I'm just kidding with

you, Sammy So-hard.
[Kevin groans]

Hey, Jenny, Jose Can't-sex-o, need to
borrow something real quick. [clicks tongue]

See, when you do that, then
he starts to make fun of me and

then the ball just keeps rolling.

Thanks for the
Andro-Lube, No-Rod.

And, by the way, when she's
coming, it's 'cause she's

thinking about her ex Ben.
Have a good one!

Still goes on my record.

Hey, Kevin. We're
actually closed right now.

- We're getting ready to open ...
- I know. I just ... I wanted to

stop by to talk to you for
a second about the league.

I know that you're considering
joining, and for whatever it's

worth, I just want you
to know that these guys,

they are the best.
I mean, I came in last place

- last year, and I still love it.
- Well, I tell you, man, I'm

thinking about it and
I'm leaning towards it.

- Okay.
- But I'll be honest with you.

- For me to relax and have fun ...
- Mm-hmm?

... I really need to know that
there's a certain level of trust

there. Do you know what I mean?

- Oh, yeah, yeah, of course!
- Yeah.

We are all trustworthy people.

Here's what I'm gonna need:
I need to have sex with you.

- W-What?
- I'm sorry. I'm in recovery.

The word I'm supposed
to use is "lovemaking."

I'm gonna have to have
lovemaking with you.

- Uh ...
- We're gonna make love with

our penises ... and our
balls, but mostly our penises.

My-my penis ... I-I have
low "T," so ... eesh.

- What am I gonna do?
- I'm all "T."

I'm gonna make you a hot, steamin'
T"-pot of Earl Grey Russell "T."

Uh, I'm-I'm not a fan of hot liquids.
[whooping, laughing]

- You didn't say no!
- You were gonna do it.

You were gonna have
a spot of Russell!

Wait, wait. Was that not real?

I just needed to know
how committed you were.

He gets invited into the
league and I get initiated?

- This is bullshit, Pete.
- Don't look at me.

- This was Andre's brainchild.
- Yeah.

It just came to me.
And here's another great idea.

Since Russell has to
work on Sunday, let's

watch the games here and
it'll all be on my tab.

Everything but the, uh, Gruner
Veltliners. [Russell laughs]

[Taco chuckling]

Here we go, Geoffrey!
Make me and Hudabega proud, kiddo!

[imitates explosion]

This is actually a very sweet
father-son moment, just like ...

eight years too early.

That's right, that's the Jewish
genes in him ... Sandy Koufax,

Shawn Green,
Geoffrey Lightning Ruxin!

[cheering]

Whoa.

Run, run, run!
[Ruxin laughing]

Roar, roar, roar, roar ...

Yeah!

- That's right!
- Yeah! [laughs]

Hey, listen, man. I got
to tell you something.

I was Sea-Dooing with
Hudabega this weekend,

- up on Lake Michigan.
- Yeah?

I told him all about Lightning.

- He was jacked.
- Yeah!

- Okay!
- Keep it up, all right?

- Yeah-ah!
- They grow up so fast.

Just got to make sure I have
enough Andro to get me

- through the playoffs.
- Well, if you run out, I do

have some replacement testosterone.

- Really?
- Yeah, it's from a horse.

It's more of a cream than a gel, really.

- Enough. No.
- I have a ringtone of me making it.

You want me to rub horse
jizz all over my son.

- The medical term is "horse sploodge."
- Right.

ANDRE: Week one is this Sunday.
We're all gonna be watching

together. I need you
to just help me out,

- just a little bit, all right?
- When you, uh, donated money

to my charity Touchdown Dreams,
we said we were gonna

- spend a day together?
- Yeah?

I think this is a big much.
I think our time here is about done.

- I still feel we have a couple more hours.
- This right here?

Yeah, that's a winner.
That's your ideal lineup.

- This is amazing.
- That's what I do.

[Andre laughs]
All right, my time here is over.

Uh, actually, Jay, I need
you just one more time.

You feed me the lines, right into my
ear. And I won't need all your help.

I mean, I got some pretty good
slams myself. I mean, I've been ...

been writing them down since
I've been working with you.

So you're writing down your ad-libs?

We're watching the game and
someone's eating chicken,

but they drop the chicken,
and I go, "Personal fowl!"

- That is horrible.
- [Cockney accent]: "Hey there,

guv'nor, what's the deal here?

Uh, it's me, Jack the Ripper,
and I'm slicing up losers."

- Did you honestly just use a Cockney accent?
- Yeah, 'cause Cockney's tough.

You sound like a horrible
performance of Oliver.

I was in a performance of Oliver.

- I'm sure it tanked.
- Well, it didn't actually ever

go out in the public
because I got the measles

and I wasn't able to perform
it. Understudy did it.

- That explains a lot.
- He was great.

Hey, listen, listen, listen.
I'll help you, with one caveat.

- Yeah.
- No Cockney.

- [with accent]: Even a little?
- No.

- Hey, Andre?
- Oh, shit! You got to hide.

- I got to hide?
- He can't know that we're

working together. Go, go, go!

- You are killing mhitey.
- Go, go, go.

- Andre.
- Oh.

- Andre.
- And ... send.

Oh, Pete. Uh, what are ...

- what are you doing here?
- What's going on?

- You got a girl in here or something?
- What? No. [laughing]

Just kidding. I'm obviously joking.

- Come on.
- But anyway ...

- How you doing?
- Hi.

I just want to say I'm very
happy for you, that you're

coming into your own, uh,
as a man and as a fantasy

football player. And I
really, really want to

believe that that's what's
happening, despite all

- evidence to the contrary.
- Yeah.

That said, I take my role
in this league very seriously,

- despite my carefree demeanor.
- What?

What?
Should I discover that there are

any, let's say ... shenanigans
going on, this will not

end well for you.
Capiche?

- Capiche.
- Okay.

- Thank you.
- But you're clean, so it's good.

Crystal. I mean, clear ...
clear ... I'm clean as a crystal.

- I'm sorry, what was that?
- Thanks, buddy.

Thanks for ... hanging out.
That was a great hang.

- Good.
- Hanging with Mr. Cooper.

Oh, gosh. All right, you can
come out, you can come out.

- That was close.
- Ooh, subterfuge! Intrigue!

Honestly, that's, like, the
lamest spy movie of all time.

- That was close, right?
- Who cares?

- My time here is done.
- All right, almost.

- Oh, fantastic.
- One second.

- What?
- Before you go, uh, maybe we

could grab lunch and
then swing by Barney's ...

Where did you get the

- idea that I ... like you?
- Okay.

Okay! I'd like to introduce
Taco Corp's newest board member,

Pete, no known last name.
Uh, Pete, say hi to your

- fellow board members.
- Hi.

This here's Slick. He's
in charge of HR, so if you

have any sexual harassment
complaints, please see Slick.

Unless, of course, Slick is the
offender, in which case you're

gonna want to see Gupta over here,
who's in charge of accounting and

he also supplies napkins and cutlery
from his brother's restaurant.

Wow, you're a regular Warren
Buffett, Taco. [Taco chuckles]

It's pronounced "Buff-ay."
Pete's gonna head the EBDB

expansion. There are a lot of people out

there having sex who don't know
who their Eskimo brothers are.

Slick, you're writing
with the wrong end

- of the pen there ...
- Don't tell Slick what to do.

'Cause then he'll sexually
harass you and then you're

gonna have to complain to Gupta
who's gonna send you

- right back to Slick, so ...
- Got it.

It's week one and we have
to watch football

at a wine bar with one TV?
How can I watch football

- watching commercials?
- Nice!

Baby Juicin' Geoffrey
Ruxin, another grand slam.

- They are in the championships.
- Well, at least it's working

- for someone.
- Well, it seems like Baby Geoffrey's

hitting more home runs
than Kev over here, right?

- Burn!
- Just keep following

- the game plan, Andre.
- All right. This is a Pinot.

And you will notice some serious
funk on this ... in a good way.

Grape notes flashing across your
nose, subtle notes of leather as

if you're maybe, like, biting
down on a leather gag, you know?

- Oh, what?
- That kind of thing.

- Okay.
- Now this, this is a Northern

Californian Syrah.
Just velvety, rich, subtle

notes, you know?
Maybe a feeling or a memory as

if your hands are bound behind
your back with thick, thick

rope, maybe your head is
being pressed down against

a leathery car seat.
There's a little bit of shame,

like maybe I did something
wrong, maybe I didn't.

- [chuckles] I don't know.
- And you're getting that

- from the wine?
- Absolutely.

- Every wine has a story.
- Now, this Burgundy ...

[slurps] ... just let
it run down the back

of your throat.
For me, it's like an angry rugby

team, you know, down in Mexico?
And the lights go out in the

locker room and you feel someone
diddling with your holes,

- but you're not upset.
- Russell, I'm not a wine guy.

These descriptions are fairly explicit.

The customers have
responded so positively.

It makes wine more approachable.

- Uh, no. You just made it slutty.
- If you want slutty, you got

to try some of this
Brunello I'm gonna bring out.

This Brunello? It's like butt sex.

- Ew!
- I'm excited, Russell.

Oh, great. Another touchdown.
I'm gonna lose week

- one to Andre.
- Oh, yeah! Look at that!

Andre is one and oh ... yeah!
Ha-ha!

This season started like last
season ended: with you being a loser!

You know what, Kevin?
You know what you are?

- You are ... You are ...
- What, Andre?

Just-just say it, please, all right?

Don't drag it out over
the course of the week.

You know what? I'm
gonna take it easy on him.

You've been on a roll,
man. Let him have it.

Come on, Andre, drop
your load right here.

- Do it!
- Now, let him have it!

Let's hear the insults, come on.

- [deep voice]: Finish him!
- [Cockney accent]: You better

call the magistrate 'cause
Jack the Ripper's out ...

- What?
- ... and he's cutting up losers ...

[chuckles]
What are you doing?

- So, you better get out.
- We can't hear you ...

your Cockney's in your mouth.
Please, try that again.

[laughter]
That was a good one.

All right, anybody
need a refill over here?

You know, Russell, thank
you for your friendship.

It's been great to
get to know you better.

I got to say, Andre, it's
been exactly what I needed.

I know that when I'm hanging
around you, there no chance

of me having sex with anyone.

Andre, you cured sex addiction!
Congratulations! [laughter]

Hey, hey,, what are we doing?!
What are we doing?!

- It wasn't working.
- I told you ... tap out, abort!

- Earpiece out!
- I thought I had it.

- What the hell is going on?
- What are you doing, Jay Glazer?

I do a lot of charity work.

- What?
- He's charity.

- But without the write-off.
- Well, we'll just ... we'll

- hang out a different time ...
- No, we won't, actually,

we won't. Hey, I'm
giving him back to you

guys, you guys are stuck with him.

- Well, I'll text you.
- No, you won't.

Don't Instagram me, don't text me ...

- DM?
- Don't DM ... nope, nope, nope. Nothing!

- All right, well, I'll hit you up on LinkedIn.
- No, you won't!

- Okay.
- Andre, you outsourced your

- team and your slam list?
- The only surprising part was

he used Jay to keep a secret,
'cause usually it's

- Andre that's Deep Throat.
- [laughs] The load all over the face.

Oh, man. This league seems

like so much fun. I'm
super psyched to be a part

of it, guys. I just
found this Bordeaux blend

down in the cellar. It's
like being locked in a

bear's den who's been
hibernating all winter, and the

bear wakes up and he's
hungry for one thing: pubes.

Oh, that sounds good.

It's late in the game, man.
We're down by two.

We win the championship?

- Yeah?
- Ooh, let me tell you something ...

you're gonna be the hero of the office.
And we're gonna party like animals.

- Me, you, Hudabega, Ski-Doos!
- Don't push it, all right?

- Just make sure he gets a hit.
- Yeah. Okay.

Well, order is restored.
Tefl-Andre is no more.

- Thank goodness.
- You hit a home run, you get

an ice cream sundae, Daddy's
in a new tax bracket, okay?

I just think that gel is a
joke, it's a scam,

- it doesn't work.
- Holy shit!

He's a puberty monster!
What is this?

He's like a six-year-old Tom Selleck.

- Geoffrey, P.I.
- Puberty had to happen at some point.

It's like LeBron James,

- you know, just developed early.
- Batter up!

All right, go get them.
All right, Lightning!

Let's go strike!

Here we go, Baby Geoffrey.
Here we go, Baby G.

[crowd cheering]
[laughing]

Aw, man, that was a good shot.

- Look at him go, man.
- Oh, God, look at his pits.

[Pete laughs]
His pits look like he's got

Don King in a headlock.
[cheering continues]

[pants rip]

I ripped my pants.

That's okay.
Ruxins are champions!

Champions! Yeah!
[crowd gasps]

- Are those ... ?
- Yeah. Giant, meaty clackers!

Damn! What the hell are
you feeding this kid, Dad?

Those aren't the normal sized
balls of a six-year-old boy.

Geez, manscape this wildebeest!
This game is forfeited!

Come on!
What are you talking about?!

- You know ...
- Hey! Hey!

You just screwed the office.
You know that?

- No!
- Yeah, you just cost us the championship.

- You and your son with his 19-year-old balls.
- We have meaty clackers!

- They run in the family!
- Let me tell you something.

This is you. [blows]
Yeah.

- What?
- That's your whole career.

No! No! I'm right here!
I'm right here!

Uh-uh. You are shit.

What about the Sea-Doo with Hudabega?

Shit.