The League (2009–2015): Season 6, Episode 3 - The Height Supremacist - full transcript

Andre is punished whilst Ellie invites Darren Sproles to a dance. Pete looks for help from Taco Corp.

RUXIN: So that dumb jock,
Bethesda, was pissed, and

Hudabega was rip shit about
Geoffrey's little baseball

incident.
PETE: You mean the "little

incident" where you gave your
only son performance-enhancing

drugs? You still have that
Sammy Sosa jersey? Yeah.

Yeah, game's more interesting
that way. What can I say?

KEVIN: Well, did Hudabega
fire you, then?

No, I didn't get fired, but
I've been banished to Korea.

(Kevin groans)
We represent the company that

owns the ferry that allegedly
tipped over and killed all those

people.
Allegedly?



My job is to prove that
everybody walked to one side of

the ferry to look over the side.
At what?

Perhaps the Malaysian plane.
I can't speculate at this point.

Wow.
And the thing tipped over.

Allegedly. TACO: You know what you
should bring? You should bring this.

You don't want to look like a
tourist.

A tiny gong.
Thanks, Taco.

We're gonna really miss you,
though, Ruxin.

I think you guys really are
gonna miss me.

I know that I am the denture
glue that keeps these teeth in

the mouth that is this league,
and I want you to know I'm gonna

stay involved. I'm gonna be present for
everyone, 'cause I know you need it.

Right.
I, for example, will not

cease to taunt Andre with the
fury of a thousand suns for what



he did.
ANDRE: I have no words.

Except for two.
I'm sorry.

(whispering): I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

What, are you taking us to prom?

No, you are now a part of the
Andre apology tour.

I have colluded against you with
the great Jay Glazer, and I

accept my punishment, so hit me
with what you got.

Sure.
Cool.

Okay. Why do these flowers smell
like Polo Sport? Beside the point!

I need to know what the
punishment is.

Understood.
We'll let you know.

You can't do this to me!
You have to punish me.

Punish me!
Classic bottom.

All right, if a bullet is
coming, I need to know when it's

coming.
That makes sense.

Just tell me now.
I understand your concern.

You're a bunch of dicks.
No, sorry, I take that back.

You're not dicks.
I apologize for that.

Put that in the apology to as well.

You can keep the flowers.
I love you all.

(stammers)
All right, good talk, Andre.

Thanks for the flowers, Andre.

Thank you.
So what's the punishment?

There is no punishment.
Ghost punishment.

Ah.
The best.

But Ruxin still has
to go to Korea.

Yeah, but that's more like a
reward for us.

You're gonna want to take
this with you, too.

I don't think there's anything
like that over there.

Is this secretly filled with pot for me
to give to some weirdo in Korea? Nope.

The truth is, I've been here
for a long time, performing at a

very high level.
I've been here for a long time,

and I feel I deserve a raise.
I hear you, I really do.

Good. Okay.
I want you to hear me when I

say absolutely not.
Why would we do that?

A raise for me could do a lot
to boost morale around

this place.
I could be, like, the Rudy for

this entire office of sad sack
losers.

That's your pitch? Well, that and... I
got a really nice bottle of Chardonnay.

Ooh.
Oh, I've heard of that, but I

haven't tried it.
I think we should crack this

bad boy open, celebrate my
raise.

Huh. Well... (sighs)
I'll tell you what.

Maybe in a couple weeks-- it's
my birthday-- but, uh, no raise.

Give me my Chardonnay back.
Give me my Chard...

No, no, no, that's not how
it's done.

You don't give Chardonnay and
then ask for it back.

Hmm-mm.
Fine.

Yeah. Savage.
Ah, ah, ah! No, no, no, no, no!

Off, off, off, off, off! Off!
Goddamn it!

So my dickhead boss totally
Heisman-ed my attempt for a

raise. I swear, I think he's trying to
franchise-tag me. Franchise-tag you?

Yeah.
You think you deserve to be

paid the average of the top five
people at your position?

That's a good point.
You want to get paid like

Darelle Revis, but you don't
have a competing offer.

JENNY: Yeah, you need
that leverage.

You need a stocking horse.
Okay, I figured it out.

I figured out my punishment.
You guys hid my car keys, right?

No. Who, then, wrecked my trilby
hat from my Hat of the Month Club?

God.
Or a really, really smart,

fashionable person.
I just want to know what my

punishment is, and can it please
just happen today?

Not how it works, Andre.
The punishee does not decide the

schedule of the punisher.
Yeah, you don't get to decide

when you get mugged.
I'm gonna get mugged?

Maybe.
Just sit down and relax.

Oh, I'll sit down in this
chair, Jenny?

Or continue to stand up and
be a weirdo.

I guess now because you want
me to stand, I will sit.

We'd love you to leave.
Well, then, guess what.

I'm gonna stay in this chair.
(chuckles) Figuring all of this

out.
Okay.

Oh, damn it! Oh! You... God!
(grunts) I lost to Russell.

Well, you should have played
Sproles in the flex.

You got him sitting on your
bench, and he's killing it.

Honestly, I thought it was a
Vincent Jackson play.

Why?
He's huge.

So you choose your lineup
based on height?

It is a big man's game, Pete.
You know what?

You're a height supremacist,
Jenny.

Excuse me?
Uh-huh.

That's a pretty big accusation.

I am not a height supremacist.
I have Russell Wilson on my

team.
And you never play him.

Yeah, and by the way,
remember she passed on Randall

Cobb in the seventh to pick up Kelvin
Benjamin, an unproven rookie? Yeah.

I don't feel bad about that.
Kelvin Benjamin is six-six and

he has the catch radius of a guy
who is six-nine.

I rest my case, Your Honor. Hey, Pete,
what are you doing? Eagles-Colts.

Great. I need to run some
Taco Corp business by you.

Now, Taco Corp's getting into
real estate.

Great.
Uh... what do you think?

It-it-it looks great.
Can you... Yes.

What does it look like on
this side?

It looks great over there, too.

Yeah, what about the font?
Yes.

Yeah, lower, you want it higher?

Taco, yes, as a board member,
I approve.

Great. Easy.
Taco, how are you gonna buy

houses if you clearly can't even
afford a printer?

I mean, you do it.
Can't be that hard.

I don't think you understand
how real estate works.

I don't think he understands
how signs work.

Look, I get that you guys are
skeptical, okay?

When Steve Jobs invented the
first job, everyone thought he

was an idiot, but today,
everyone has jobs.

And look how well Steve Jobs is
doing. Hmm?

When are you guys gonna realize
that Taco Corp is a real

corporation with real employees
and real board members?

Interesting.
What the hell?

Let me guess, Taco Corp is
entering the space race, and

this is your rocket ship?
Love how you push me to be

better, Pete, but no.
This is the first-ever

EBDB kiosk.
That's right, you can sign up

and find out who your Eskimo
brothers are in the comfort of

"The EBDB does not treat
venereal diseases."

No, a couple people found
that out the hard way.

Listen, I have a business
proposition for you.

I'm trying to get a raise.
No, no, no, no, if you're

gonna talk business, we need to
do it in the boardroom.

I think we're fine right here.

Follow me.
It's just one door down.

First door on your left.
Yes.

Come on in, sir.
Oh, God. Jesus.

Yeah.
Okay.

Welcome, sir.
What I need is for Taco Corp

to write me a job offer for
$150,000.

Whoa, that's pretty steep, Pete.

The good news is, you don't
actually have to pay me.

(fly buzzing)
I can't tell which is more

professional, the boardroom or
the kiosk.

I think they're both fine.
I don't think they're...

No, you know what, I think
the kiosk.

Let's move it back to the kiosk.
Come on, follow me.

All right.
Move it to the kiosk.

All right. Yeah, this is
much more business-y. Good.

It's like my good friend Mark
from Cuba says, "How you do the

small things is how you do
everything."

All right, now, um, here we go...
First name. Spartacus.

You know what? This would better in the
boardroom. You know, I think this is

fine, right here. This-this is
boardroom, let's do it. Follow me!

Real... Jesus Christ.
Here we go!

So, next question: Where do you see
yourself five years in the past? What?

Okay, this one's a quizzler:
What kind of horse is this?

Appaloosa.
Appaloosa... okay.

Let me test your reflexes.
Lift up your hand... whoa.

Wow.
Yeah.

Just met you, Spartacus, but I
really like you, and I think

that...
(fly buzzing)

Oh, God, no, please, please.
Just feel like...

You are fake hired.
Fake thank you.

I am gonna write up the fake
contract.

You know, let me write the
offer and then you can just kind

of sign it.
That sounds like business.

Hey, use some of that newfound
fake money to cover my parking,

will you?
(whoops)

You got it, Taco.

Okay...
Welcome to the schmooze-fest.

No, it's nice. Okay, there is my new
boss, Mr. Lipscome. He's a D.A.

Lipscome?
Lipscome.

Lipscome.
Don't make it filthy.

His name is "Lipscome."
I know, but emphasis on the

"lips," not the "come" part.
Lips... Lipscome.

Just let it go, okay? Mr. Lipscome...
Now, I don't know much about him.

All I know is he's from Philly
and he's an Eagles fan.

That's my language.
Great.

I can do this.
Great.

I can do this. Do you want, like, flirty
and sophisticated? Do you want...

No, no, no, no.
...guy's girl?

I can go sexy.
I'd settle for sober.

Just go over to him, tell him
how much I admire him, his worth

ethic, blah, blah, blah...
Babe, I got this.

Good.
Okay?

Okay.
I would like a martini.

No.
Gimlet?

Thank you.
The shrimp needs to be

chilled, not frozen. When you freeze
it, ice crystals form. Mr. Lipscome.

Hello, I'm Jenny MacArthur.
I'm Kevin's wife.

It is so nice to meet you.
I can't tell you how excited

Kevin is to work with you.
He looks up to you, and...

Um... it's...
(Lipscome chuckles)

That's, uh, it's actually me.
I'm Gary Lipscome.

Oh, I'm so sorry!
That's all right.

He was just so tall and...
I'm sorry?

He... he just, uh, was very...
Tall, you said. Like a D.A.

He's tall like a D.A....
I... it was...

...and I'm short and
therefore not like a D.A., is

that what you're trying to say?
No.

No, that is not what I am saying
at all.

You're crouching.
No, I'm... I'm not.

Funny thing is, I love short people.

Some of my very closest friends
are short.

Oh, hello.
Hi.

Hi.
Thank you.

Honey... oh.
Uh, Mr. Lipscome.

MacArthur.
He's very grumpy.

What is wrong with you?
Why can't you keep your height

power thoughts to yourself? Kevin,
he is shockingly short. So?

There is Peter Dinklage,
there is Mr. Lipscome, and then

there's the rest of us.
"Us"?

My God, come on, Adolf
Heightler.

Geez, Louise...
I didn't mean to offend your

boss.
I look at all heights equally.

Yeah, sure you do.
Sieg height!

Height!
No, it's not funny.

That's offensive.
I have plenty of short friends.

Oh, good.
Who?

Ellie.
Not a friend.

That's your child.
(over computer): I don't even

think Ellie considers you a
friend.

Blah, you just keep it down,
Computer Ruxin.

I told you I wouldn't abandon
the league.

That's why I zinged you from
around the globe.

You're a great friend, Ruxin.
How's Korea?

It's a shitstorm horrorscape.
The only advantage is that I'm

up when the waiver wire opens.
(man speaking Korean)

Yeah.
(man speaking Korean)

Sorry, Mr. O.
Who is yelling at you?

His name is Mr. O.
He's either the president of the

company or he may be my
assistant.

I can't tell.
Everybody just screams all the

time.
The people here never go home.

All they do is work.
Honestly, Kevin, the janitors

are more motivated than you.
Oh, yeah? Yeah?

Come here, I'll show you
motivated.

Hey! Where am I going?
Oh, yeah!

Oh, my God, is Sala.
Ah.

Show him that pretty...
Deal with that.

You know what?
I'm sorry.

I-I messed up. But I am going to fix
this, okay? He's from Philly, right?

Yeah.
Okay, I can work with this.

I'm so sorry I'm late!
I knew that you guys had started

without me.
One Cosmopolitan, please.

Hi, I am Andrea.
Are we talking about football?

I love their costumes, they're
so cute.

What is going on?
It's me, Andre.

Oh!
What are you doing, Andre?

Since you guys haven't yet
punished me, I decided I would

punish myself.
Is it really a punishment, or

are you just kind of exploring
some things?

Yeah, I dressed like a woman.
This is my punishment.

I just feel like a punishment
should be something that's hard,

and you just seem to be smiling
a lot.

Like, right now, you're
really...

Because I don't want to... I
don't want you to think I'm not

doing it...
How often are doing this?

I'm super excited, 'cause I
want more girlfriends.

We should totally go out and
get skinny margs...

Yeah.
...and have some nachos.

Well, you know what? I think Ruxin
would like to see some of this. Ruxin?

Thank you, finally. Meet Andrea.

Holy shit!
Is that little Ruxin?

Hi, Ruxin, it's me, Andrea.
I think I had fish and soy

milk for breakfast and this is
more disgusting.

Oh, my gosh.
Turn around, baby.

What's that?
You want to see me dance?

That's right, Andre.
Give Daddy a show.

♪ I'm a naughty girl
In a dirty little world

Will you show me what to do? ♪
I think there's a bunch of

businessmen here who would pay a lot
of money for your panties, Andre. Huh?

What?
(man speaking Korean)

Korea signing off.
Sorry, so sorry, so sorry.

Oh, bye, bye.
Are we done?

No, Andre, you don't get to
decide your own punishment.

We set the punishment and you go
by our sweet time.

Oh, come on, man!
This is bullshit.

You think I like this?
I don't like this.

Okay? I'm a man!
And I deserve respect.

You've got it, Andre.
Put 'er there.

Thank... hey!
You do not get to touch that!

Hey! Hey! Ah... I broke a heel.
Damn it!

These were Manolo Blahniks.
I have to say, this is the

best I've ever seen him dress.
He looked beautiful.

Why are there condoms in here?

Dear Mr. Darren Sproles, my
name is Ellie MacArthur, and I

would like to invite you to my
Sadie Hawkins dance.

It may sound a little cheesy--
or maybe cheese-steaky-- but the

Eagles are my favorite team and
you're my favorite player.

What are the Eagles?
Oh, cut!

Ellie!
Just say what I wrote.

And turn up the cute factor.
I need you to smile with your

whole face.
Once I get that little man

dancing on the dance floor, no
one's ever gonna call me a

height supremacist.
And... action!

Dear Mr. Darren Sproles... No, no, no...
Taco Corp. Never heard of 'em.

Well, they're a brand-new
startup.

They're incubating a pretty
radical new platform in the

social media space.
I don't know what that means.

Neither do I.
But they've made me an

aggressive offer, Bill.
And as they say, I'm forced to

consider it. All right, well, let me take
this upstairs and see what I can do.

That's good, 'cause I'd hate
to, uh, take back that bottle of

Chardonnay.
You son of a bitch.

I'll make the call now.
>> Thursday Night Football--

could it get any better than
this?

I wish football was on every
night-- Friday night, Saturday

night.
They should have football

every night, not just Thursdays.
Yeah, I just said that,

Ruxin.
We... Forget it.

What's your issue?
What? I got to, I got to pee.

Go pee. The bathroom's right
there.

Oh, no, I'm not gonna go pee
so you guys can pull out your

little punishment tricks.
No, no, no. No, thank you.

I don't need something up my
butt.

There's a first.
(both laugh)

There's a first.
We said that already.

I already said that, Computer
Ruspin.

Oh, shit! Kevin, your first
drink is on me.

Thanks to your Taco Corp plan,
I got a raise!

Who's here-- is that Pete?
No.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa.

So, you're staying at your
old job?

Yeah, of course I am.
You're refusing Taco Corp's

offer?
It was a fake offer, Taco.

It was generous!
It was beyond generous!

You were never gonna pay me!
I was gonna pretend to pay

you. A deal's a deal!
Whatever, Taco.

I'm staying at my old job.
Sorry.

Oh, my... You are making a
huge mistake.

Taco Corp is blowing up and
you're gonna miss it.

You know why, Pete No Known Last
Name?

Because you're fired!
(all oohing)

No, Mr. O, I-I wasn't making
fun of your last name or your

culture.
For that delayed comment,

Ruspin, you're fired, too!
You're all fired!

I'm gonna get some ice cream.
You guys need anything?

No, thanks.
No, I'm good.

Is he getting ice cream?
Taco's gonna put a bee in

Andre's ice cream?
Holy shit, you guys!

Darren Sproles said yes!
What?!

Yes!
Get out of here.

Let me see! Let me see!
Hi, Ellie.

This is Darren Sproles and I
would love to attend your school

dance with you.
I'll be there.

Babe, you did this?
This is great!

My boss is a huge Eagles fan!
I know!

This is gonna be good for me.
Aw, Darren Sproles, you are

so cool and smart and nice and
short.

Wait, Martin Short is in the
video?

Yeah, he... Ruxin!

Oh, there's our guest of
honor Darren Sproles!

Ellie, this is the highlight of
your existence.

It is, babe. It's never going to get
better than this right now. Yeah...

You know what, let's start
with a Dad picture.

Yeah, we need a Dad picture.
Get in there.

All right, ready? One, two...
Yeah! Yes!

My turn! Look, I have to.
I'm sorry.

Okay, all right.
Okay, you ready?

All right. Uh, one, two...
Shiva-ship!

What are you...?
What are you...?

Did you get it?
No, no, no, no!

What are you guys doing here?
We did not want to miss

Ellie's special day.
Me neither.

All right, just pace
yourselves. I get him first.

What is your...?
Why are you squirming?

What's your problem?
I have a U.T.I.

What?
A urinary tract infection.

It's no big deal.
Don't you get that by

having sex with lots and lots
of people?

Yeah, that's one way. One way you will
never get it. Okay, well, I got mine

because I held in my pee too
long.

The Seahawks have Beast
Mode and we have Yeast Mode.

No Yeast Mode, okay?
I'm regular Andre.

Uh-uh. From Tefl-Andre to
Yeast Mode.

That is a punishment I can get
behind.

Darren, what do you think?
No, no, please, Darren?

No! Don't talk to him!
Hi, hi, uh, Mr. Sproles.

I'm-I'm Pete Eckhart.
I'm just a huge fan.

It's so great to meet you.
Nice to meet you.

I'm, uh, Dr. Andre Nowzik.
I'm the number one plastic

surgeon in Chicago, and, uh,
this is our friend Ruxin.

It's such a treat that you're
there, Darren, especially since

Jenny hates short people. What?
Ruxin... Really? Uh... no!

That is so not true.
I love anything short.

I love short people.
Are you hungry?

You should have something to
eat before you dance the night

away. Here you go.
Minis?

What?
Minis?

No! They're-they're fun size.
Fun size, huh?

No!
Come on now.

Oh, I didn't mean it like
that, come on, Darren!

No, the truth is, Jenny has always
been a fan of the short players. Yes!

You know, she keeps her fantasy
roster stacked with them. Yeah.

Right now she got stuck with
Vincent Jackson.

Oh, Vincent Jackson. (groans)
He's so tall.

She's been clamoring to get
Tavon Austin off of my squad.

Now, that's a small dude.
He is small. Yes.

It's funny you mention that.
He is kind of small.

I love small.
Okay, Pete, I will talk about

that trade with you.
Let's go ahead and just make

it official right here. No, I, I
have no interest in, uh... Shake!

Shake on it, shake!
Quite a trade.

Oh, yeah!
Quite a trade.

Good grip there, Jenny.
I just want to say thank you.

And I want to say thank you,
sir.

Oh, anytime.
Well, I'm happy.

Great trade, Jenny. (laughs)
Would you like to dance?

I'd love to.
Let's go.

Have fun, guys.
Yeah.

I got to hit the bathroom.
This U.T.I. is the worst.

All right, just excuse
yourself that way, please.

Oh, God! Oh, God!
Whoa! Closed!

Andre, where are you taking me?

Guys, I got to use the girl's
bathroom.

No, no! No, Andre, don't!
No, Andre, no! No!

Okay, I have an idea. Here. No! No! Oh,
my God! Oh, my God! Andre, stop it!

Oh, my God! You're gonna get
arrested.

It burns.
Ruxin?

Wait, what's going on?
What-what are you showing me?

Aw, middle school water fountain
forever unclean.

Would you hurry up, please? You're gonna...
Okay, I'll go... You good?

Oh, Mr. Lipscome!
How are you?

MacArthur. Good.
Have you had an opportunity

to meet Darren Sproles?
Oh! Oh, my God!

Yes! Mr. Sproles, uh, Darren, it's such
an honor to meet you. How you doing?

I'm a huge fan.
Well, thank you.

I'm gonna go grab some water.
Uh, I can grab you a bottle

of water over here.
Ah, no. Got a fountain right

over here I can use. No! You cannot
use that water fountain! Why?

No. Not for you.
There's a perfectly good

fountain right there.
Wow, really-- the tiny water

fountain? No, I didn't mean it like that.
Yeah, she did.

You really got a problem with
short people, huh?

No, I don't.
Oh, yes, she does.

She's a height supremacist.
What? No!

I love short people!
Come on, Darren, we don't

need this.
Darren, I will play you next

week even though you are mini
tiny tiny.

God!
Great. Thank you.

I got to pee again!
No, Yeast Mode!

Well, at least Ellie's still
having a good time.

That sucked.
Thanks a lot, Yeast Mode.

It's not my fault.
I have a U.T.I. and a gluten

allergy, thank you very much.
Can someone point me towards

Jenny?
I want to see her suffer.

Hi, Ruxin. How are you?
(Ruxin yells)

Ah, gentlemen.
I have some huge Taco Corp news.

Yeah? What's going on?
Taco Corp has officially

sold the EBDB. Really? How much
you get for it? Uh, $1.1 million.

What?
Mm-hmm.

Wait, who gave you a million
dollars for that?

It was my good friend Mark
from Cuba.

Whoa.
Hey, Taco, what's cracking?

Hey, Mark. How's Cuba? Wait, Mark
from Cuba is Mark Cuban? Duh.

Yeah, how do you know Mark?
From Shark Tank.

Taco, I love the EBDB, man.
I see it as a radical new

platform in the social media
space.

Bro, man, we got to incubate
this thing.

Hey! That-That's what I said!
You should have invested,

man, ha!
Oh, Pete! You could have

made so much money if you'd
stuck with Taco Corp.

(bleep) my life!
See you, bro.

Hi, Mark, if I can, I have a
pitch.

It's called Smooth-eHarmony and
it's a dating site and a

smoothie service...
See you, Mark.

Ah, it was a million dollar
idea.

You know what?
Now that I have a bit of money,

I think I will buy that house.
Yes, you should and I should

absolutely be your real estate
agent.

Yes. Mm, I don't think you're tall
enough for me.

Does this place have a bathroom?
Yeah, it's behind the kiosk.

Okay, good.
I go in the tire.