The League (2009–2015): Season 6, Episode 11 - EBDBBnB - full transcript
Taco and Andre both want the guys to watch football at their new establishments. Pete tries to hide something he has in common with Andre. Ruxin is disgusted by his co-worker's hygiene habits.
I'm Andre!
And I'm Russell!
And welcome to another episode
of Ménage à Cinq Video Blog!
Not another one of these.
How many of these videos
are they gonna make?
Whether you want to enjoy a
romantic Pinot with your lover...
...or a rowdy round of Riesling
with your racquetball team...
...we think you'll find this
place has the perfect terroir.
But don't worry, we're not pretentious--
Non, non, non, non,
non!
How many takes
do you think that took?
It took 13.
How do you know?
I directed it.
No expense was spared.
We installed these old bank
fixtures to turn this wine bar
into an old bank, which we then
turned back into a wine bar!
That seems unbelievably
expensive and unnecessary.
By the way-- did I tell you guys
I'm thinking of buying a giraffe.
One of the number-one problems in the
restaurant business today is when you're
sitting in a booth, what do
you do with your elbows?
Well, at Ménage à Cinq, we
spared no expense in inventing
the leather elbow rester.
#patentpending.
You know he got that sweatshirt,
just so he could say "hashtag."
And for private events, we have
our own special wine room.
And our unisex toilets mean even
more opportunity to mingle.
#makefriendsonthetoilet.
#partywhileyoupoop.
If this wine bar were a first-round
pick, it would be Ryan Leaf.
Or Jamarcus Russell.
What's that?
You want some adventurous single-vineyard
selections from around the globe?
Oh, we got that.
Andre also found these super-cool
antique wine implements.
Don't tell anyone, but they're actually
18th-century gynecological tools.
Ew.
Well, if it's cork versus
speculum-- cork, you're going
down...
#tuesdayniteisladiesnite.
#comeondown.
Congratulations, Andre.
You ruined wine.
I'd rather talk to
people about their kids.
You know what?
CB did the cutest thing at the party...
♪ Nobody cares... ♪
Oh, no...
♪ Nobody cares... ♪
♪ Nobody cares ♪
♪ Nobody cares... ♪
♪ Nobody cares! ♪
♪ Nobody cares ♪
♪ Nobody cares... ♪
♪ Nobody cares! ♪
♪ Nobody cares ♪
♪ Nobody cares ♪
♪ Nobody cares, cares, cares! ♪
Hey!
You're on my team.
Yeah, no, I-I got caught up.
Sorry.
That's a solid falsetto...
#flaccidodomingo.
Russell's team is really good.
Andre's killing it, too.
Yeah, of course he is.
He picked up all of our players after
the incidents with the Washingtons.
Trade of Tears.
I would trade them back
Manhattan for those players.
In spite of that, I still snuck out a
victory, thank you to my lucky jersey.
You're gonna need a lot more than your
lucky jersey next week, "Matt Farté."
You're playing me, and the
winner goes to the playoffs.
Mm!
Yeah, no kidding.
I need to squeak out against
this shit-sipper over here.
What about me?
Did I make the playoffs?
No, you and Chuck
are out, buddy.
Whew! What a relief.
I'm gonna need all the time I
can get to fix up my new house.
What?!
What?!
I wanted to wait until all the
papers were signed but, as
of today, it is official: Taco
over here is a homeowner.
Did you buy yourself a "Live
Not Work" space in the city?
No, I decided to leave downtown and join
my brother and his girlfriend in the
"slum-burbs."
Well, great.
Now you can gather up all your
stuff and get it out of my house.
No, I'm still gonna
need the storage space.
You think I'd store
that junk in my house?
Ah.
Huh?!
What?!
I go into the bathroom, the toothbrush
is sitting there on the metal thing.
I'm, like, how does that happen?
Is it a guy brushing his teeth
in an office bathroom, who has
no control over his
gastrointestinal issues, so he
goes to the bathroom and
keeps brushing his teeth?
Or is it a time management
issue, where you're, like, "I
gotta make the most out of my
day, so I'm gonna brush my teeth
while I blow foam."
I don't get it.
What's the problem?
The problem is don't bring
anything that you're going to
put into your mouth
into a bathroom stall.
Well, add toilet-brushing to the list of
things that you are passionate about.
That, and limited the
number of add/drops.
There should be unlimited
add/drops in our league!
No, that's a battle
for another day.
Right now, I just want to know
what animal would do this.
Enough out of you, Ruxin.
Taco, what's going on
with the new place?
When can we see it?
Well, there's still some work
that has to get done, but I'll
have you guy over
when it's ready.
Good.
You know, actually, I have
a place opening up, too.
Ménage à Cinq is gonna be the
best place to watch the games.
Look, you guys want gluten-free
and vegan snacks, we got 'em.
You know, I have a little bit of a
gluten allergy, so it's sort of a...
Oh, could you stop with the
gluten shit, Yeast Mode?
Oh, you can call me Yeast
Mode all you want.
I don't see it as an insult.
I wear it as a badge of honor.
That's right, Yeast Mode's
in the playoffs, y'all!
I think I'm developing
an Andre intolerance.
I decided to just cut out all
conversations about gluten,
'cause even though I'm not
allergic to it, I just feel
better when I don't have them.
Gross.
♪ Ruxin and Big Rod All ready to pee
Nobody here but you and me... ♪
What is up, buddy?
What are you doing, Chaps?
Going to the bathroom.
There's no divider here.
Oh, it doesn't matter.
Come on...
Oh, my God!
I assume that you
were just peeing?
That's part of it.
Oh, you're a creep!
Disgusting!
Hey, hey, hey!
Wash your hands!
Wash your dead tooth.
I tried that!
It doesn't help!
Chaps, with the dead tooth?
Mm-hmm.
You want me to fire him
because he took a dump?
No, I want you to fire him because
he took a dump in front of me.
It's a public bathroom.
No, it's a one-person bathroom.
With two facilities.
Yeah, but there's no divider,
so I gotta look at it.
You know the thing: "If there isn't
a divider, stand outside 'er."
That's not a real thing.
I'm working on making
it a real thing, okay?
I need your support on this.
It's disgusting!
You want to look another man in
the eye while he takes a grumper?
I'm saying I'm not afraid to.
I'm saying I've done it before,
whether it's lacrosse, or
a fraternity initiation...
Look, Bethesda, there are
certain things that
separate us from animals.
One: we learn to farm.
Two: we have cable TV.
And three: we don't shit and
look at other people in the eyes
while we're doing it, okay?
You want to look a guy in the eye
while he's taking a shit, like a dog?
You know how embarrassed dogs look
when they're shitting in front of you?
Their arched backs, and they're
looking at you, they got fear in
their eyes, and when they're done, they
scrape around in dirt, so that's...
You know what?
I guarantee you that Chaps is
the Toilet Toothbrush Bandit.
What toothbrush?
I was in the bathroom recently, and there
was a toothbrush sitting on top of
a toilet paper dispenser.
Is this why you have been calling
people into your office,
asking them all kinds of weird
questions, instead of doing your
Chevron depositions?
I am working on the Chevron
case, but I am also working on
the toilet toothbrush case.
Just do your job.
Sometimes you've gotta take a
stand and say: That's not right!
We are corporate lawyers.
We absolutely never
ever say that!
I'm telling you, it's
that dead-tooth ginger.
Wait, wait, wait-- hold on.
How do you open Excel?
Just open Microsoft Office.
Yep.
Okay.
Hey, do me a favor--
send that kid in here.
I'll call Ganesh.
Hey, Tiny.
Just a salad today?
Yeah, it's boring as shit.
They gave me some extra bread
sticks, if you want one.
You know, I can't.
I've been having stomach issues,
so I went to the doctor, and he
thinks I might have
a gluten allergy.
Oh!
You mean like Andre?
No, no, no, no-- we are not
telling Andre about this.
I can't have any bonding
moments with Andre, especially
one that is centered around
meals and has no end in sight.
No, it's the worst.
Yeah, "Bond-dre" is horrible.
I remember, in high school, when
he found out we both peeled
our bananas from the bottom...
You remember that?
Yeah, you guys were,
uh, "banana twins."
No, no, no, he wanted to call
us "the Banana Bottom Boys."
Oh...
He was talking about t-shirts
and hats-- I would have had to
switch high schools.
This is what I'm talking about.
I cannot become a gluten buddy.
I do not want to be
GFF's with Bond-dre.
Deal.
Yeah.
You know what?
I think I'm developing
a citrus allergy.
Every time I eat oranges, the
orange goes down fine, but the
peels just sit there
in my stomach.
So what you see before you are three
different types of wine decanters.
I'm trying to figure out which
one would fit perfectly on the
tables at Ménage à Cinq.
Kudos to you, Andre, because you
are committing everything to
this wine bar-- your money, your
time, your personal collection
of butt plugs... Okay... these are not
butt plugs, they are decanters, thank
you very much.
Now let's do the sniff test.
This one, you can hold by the shaft...
But you're still gonna want
to tickle it from the base.
Well, no, if you actually cup the
bottom, you're gonna heat up
the good stuff, and you
don't want to do that.
Yeah, then the wine will just spill
out all over the place too quickly.
Exactly.
This one has a much smaller
shaft, which I like, but, um...
I'll be honest-- I'm
a big-shaft man.
Mm-hmm.
That's interesting because,
while this one has the smallest
shaft, it has a nice grip, which
would allow for turning just for
the customer's extra pleasure.
This one seems more
appropriate for group parties
'cause you can get more hands
on there, and then, you know,
everyone's working it in.
It's a party experience.
Okay, you know what?
This is not going up
anyone's asshole.
So, then, what are
we doing here?
We're trying to pick a decanter.
Sniff away.
I'm getting another beer.
That a Heisler?
Jesus, Andre.
What do you want?
Gluten-free beer.
Well, well, well, Pete.
Welcome to the tribe.
Is this gluten-free?
You know what?
Maybe I need glasses.
Hey, you don't need glasses.
You're gluant.
Gluant?
Gluten-intolerant.
I am not.
This was just... just a mistake.
It's nothing to be
embarrassed about.
We'll be GFFs.
We're not GFFs.
I want to hold hands with you...
No.
...and walk into bakeries and
tell everyone what they're doing
to their bodies is poison.
Think about it.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Pete.
What are you drinking my
father-in-law's beer for, huh?
That's your... your
father-in-law's beer?
It was an accident.
I thought I was
getting a Peroni.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I must have been mistaken, then.
I thought you guys
were part of the club.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
I love bread.
I mean, I won't eat it if it
doesn't have bread in it.
This shit pig?
He lives in a bakery.
Yeah.
Oh, all right.
I guess I'll see you
grain brains later.
Oh, thank God.
Wow.
Oh, my God.
I owe you big-time.
Yeah, you think?
You almost walked into that.
I'm so scared.
I love you so much.
Ew, squish.
Come on, come look at this.
Oh.
You got to see this.
All right. Sorry.
Move, move, move, move.
Andre, move your butt
plugs out of the way.
They're not butt plugs.
Hi. I'm Taco, president and CEO
of Taco Corp, and I want to
welcome you to the world's first Eskimo
Brothers Database Bed-and-Breakfast.
The EBDBBnB.
The EBDBBnB is a comfortable,
cozy environment where you and
your Eskimo brothers can shack up, hang
out and make more Eskimo brothers.
What?
Can't believe this is what he
did with the house I sold him.
♪ Where do you go to
put a "P" in a "V"?
Come on down to the EBDBBnB ♪
If you need any room service or sex
toys, just ring the front desk.
♪ It's a relaxing, charming,
down-home kind of place
And when you hook up, we'll
add it to the database ♪
Ah, Michael and Jessica.
Slept with each other.
Now, if you could just fill out
this form, let me know who else
you've slept with,
I'd appreciate that.
How was he?
♪ Relax in a hammock or have some ice
tea And please wear a "C" so you
don't get the HIV ♪
And if you're not having sex,
just put the "disturb" sign on
the door, and someone will be right
in to help you get things started.
Right this way.
There you go.
They are right in there.
Wait a second.
This is a brothel, right?
♪ Expand your Eskimo family tree at
the EBDBBnB We're not responsible
for any STDs ♪
What happens at the EBDBBnB stays at the
EBDBBnB... in our video collection.
And don't worry--
Gupta just watches.
♪ This BnB is the place to be
if the "P" is going in the "V"
Or the "M"
Or, if you're lucky, the "B." ♪
All right, start screwing.
What's the "B"?
That's that little hole where
Andre puts his decanters.
So come on down to the EBDBBnB.
We'll be waiting for you.
Ah, doesn't look that bad.
I'll probably head down there.
Hi, guys.
Taco, what are you doing?
Did you start a brothel?
What?
The EBDBBnB is not a brothel.
It's a bed-and-breakfast
with penetration.
That is a brothel.
At least I'm not opening a
wine bar like some idiot.
Ha!
You guys should come by.
Sofia's gonna be making
her world-famous chorizo.
What? She hasn't made me
that chorizo in years.
She makes it for me every week.
It's amazing.
Uh, there are gonna
be tons of people.
We're gonna watch the games.
Gonna be food and everything.
What do you guys say, huh?
EBDBBnB this weekend.
No, no, no, no, no.
We already agreed that we were
gonna watch the games at Ménage
à Cinq this weekend.
I already planted my flag.
We're opening this weekend, so a lot of
people will be planting their flags.
I mean, actually a lot of you guys
will be at Ménage à Cinq, right?
Uh... Uh... Right.
I'll see you guys Sunday.
Jenny, I need to talk to you.
I need your help.
Oh, yeah, you thinking
about franchising?
No, no, no, it's just, BnBs
are usually run by really old
lesbians, and you're the
oldest lesbian I know.
I'm not an old lesbian, Taco.
I bet Becky from field
hockey would disagree.
Will you quit it?
Well, I need a lesbian to run this
thing, and Andre's busy this weekend.
No.
By the way, can I borrow
those butt plugs?
They're not butt plugs.
This is for wine,
not for assholes.
You're holding it.
Yeah, egg salad sandwich
on pumpernickel.
Extra egg, extra mayo.
Bye.
Aha!
I caught you, Chaps.
Injecting insulin?
Huh? You're diabetic?
Yes, asshole.
Cool. Cool, cool.
You're weird.
- Mm-hmm.
- Stop being weird.
I'm the weird one?
This guy is not locking the door
when he goes to the bathroom.
That is weird.
It's a two-person bathroom.
Bingo.
There's no divider.
It's not a two-person bathroom.
What do you want, man?
What I want is to not look another man
in the eyes while he's taking a grumper.
Have you never been
initiated to something?
Exactly.
No, I save my homoerotic
stuff for message boards.
You serious?
I mean like fantasy football.
Like, "I'm gonna stuff that in him,"
"he's getting stuffed by that guy."
Oh, yeah, no, no, I get it.
That's good stuff.
Okay, great, so I want to
launch a formal investigation
into the Toilet Toothbrush
Bandit because, I'm telling you,
the Tooth Scary here is brushing his
teeth while he's dropping grumpers off.
That's never gonna happen.
What you need to do is apologize
to Chaps and his tooth.
I'm sorry.
I'm gonna need a medium if I'm
going to apologize to that tooth
'cause it's so dead.
Ah.
Do you think the lawyers for
those indigenous people down in
the Amazon are goofing
around like this?
I guarantee they're dealing
with plumbing issues.
Do your job or I'll
send you back to Korea.
Got that, Ke-Mo Sah-Bee?
Do your job, "Kemma Sibby."
That's not even Korean.
It's...
Oh, my God.
Hey, Rux.
Yeah, I'll call Ganesh.
Thank you.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, stop, stop.
No, no, no, no, no, no washing my
lucky jersey during the playoff push.
What?
This baby's got
to stay pristine.
Pristine was about
five exits back, babe.
That thing is filthy.
Filthy? No.
This thing is covered in luck.
Is that what you're calling it?
Because, to me, it looks a
whole lot like mustard.
That's what luck is.
Luck is comprised of mustard,
ketchup, tears and blood.
For a hot dog vendor.
This thing's gonna help
me win it all this year.
And when I do... Hey, guys.
No, Taco, you cannot
take our stuff.
No, this is my stuff.
I'm moving out of this shithole.
Really?
What?
Don't worry, I'm still gonna
come here for eating.
Uh, can I get a hand?
I have a lot of gizmos
to get out of here.
Yes.
See? Lucky jersey.
What do we got?
What?
This was all in our attic?
I'm gonna take all this stuff
with me, but I'm gonna leave
some of the junk behind, like
the couch in the TV room.
That's our couch.
Here you go.
My God, these are all condoms?
Yeah.
I need them for the EBDBBnB.
A lot of people having
sex over there.
Lambskin?
Gross.
No, no, no, they come the closest
to simulating unprotected sex.
I think they're the closest thing
to having sex with a sheep.
That is incorrect.
Lambskin condoms are the best.
And when you have sex as much
as I do, you want the best.
It's like how it's okay to buy $300
sneakers if you're really into running.
Exactly-- I don't just have sex for fun
on the weekends, like you guys do.
Well, we don't have sex on the weekend, Mr.
Know-It-All,
because she says I'm too tired.
He's exhausted.
Hey, Taco!
Everyone's supposed to come over to my
wine bar, not go to your stupid place!
Hey, man... what's your ass beating
on the damn door like that?
What's wrong with you?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Marshawn, don't kill him.
It's okay.
Oh.
He's unfortunately with me.
Oh, this your boy, huh?
How do you know Marshawn Lynch?
Yeah, Marshawn's my silent
partner in the EBDBBnB.
Yeah, the EBDBBnB is all
about that action, boss.
It's funny, we have
a lot in common.
You're "Beast Mode" and I'm...
Bam!
Oh, here he goes.
...Yeast Mode!
What the hell is Yeast Mode?
It's all about that
gluten-free action, boss!
Andre, you're the last person who
should be talking about action.
Oh, I get plenty of action.
What kind of action?
Hand action-- you know
what I'm talking about.
Nah, that's not action.
That's action.
Not action.
That is not action.
Well, I get some mouth
action, too-- a little bit.
Andre, it doesn't count if
you're doing it yourself.
It does... it count... Tell him it
counts when you do it yourself.
Hell, no!
I don't know nothing about that.
Okay, well, sometimes I do it
myself, but that's because of my
yoga class is very intense,
it just slips in there.
You're blaming this on yoga?!
I don't swallow
'cause of the gluten.
How do you know... Marshawn, if
you're good here, we gotta go.
Oh, what about Sunday?
Look, here's what I can do:
for the morning games, people
will go to the wine bar, but the
afternoon games are the EBDBBnB.
Marshawn, you should come.
It'll be fun.
Ah, well, Sundays, I'm
a little busy, man.
Doing what?
Sunday, that's when I go ahead and go to...
No, this is what I'm talking
about, Marshawn-- for a silent
partner, you sure do talk a lot.
You just yap-yap, yap-yap,
yap all the time.
Bro... Let's roll.
Taco, man, I'm-a holla at you.
Take care.
See you, Marshawn.
Yeast Mode, right?
Stop embarrassing me.
All right, Taco.
Wow, I am honored that you guys
came here to watch the games.
It means the world to me.
What is this, Andre?
I know.
It's embarrassing.
It's a Chardonnay bottle
with red wine in it-- blah.
Yeah, that's what's
wrong with it.
That's what I picture Rafi's
dick looking like-- blood
squirting out the end and, like,
elephantitis of the balls.
That is some fearless feedback.
That's the benefit of
doing a soft opening.
You know what's super-soft
is your lineup.
I am projected to win
and I am thrilled.
Well, you know, I just projected in the
third stall here at Ménage à Cinq.
Just had the stinker-tinker
of a lifetime.
Whoo! Feeling good.
You are shit-pants.
Oh, here comes some food.
All right!
I've got stuff that you guys are
gonna love-- especially you, Petey.
So, I have some flatbread pizza;
got a little bread bowl, with
some amazing clam chowder.
These are all artisanal breads.
That's a lot of bread.
Well, just because I can't eat
bread doesn't mean I can't
watch my friends enjoy some of
our amazing homemade creations.
Mm-hmm!
So, eat up!
Try this garlic bread.
It's supposedly delicious.
Oh, looks delicious.
Here, Kevin, there you go.
Enjoy.
You don't want any?
Flatbread pizza?
I'm gonna have some almonds.
These look delicious.
No, no, no, no--
what are you doing?
You gotta try this.
It's a homemade bread pudding.
You're gonna love it.
What's wrong?
Come on, I thought
you loved bread.
If you don't love bread and
you've got a gluten intolerance,
you and Andre could be
GFF's-- Gluten Free Forever.
I love bread.
So shovel a spoonful
in your face-keister.
There you go.
It's good, right?
Yeah.
Why'd you eat the
whole thing, Pete?
'Cause he loves it.
Buddy, you don't look so good.
You feeling all right?
Could it be because my team
jumped out to an early lead, or
could it be something
that you ate?
Yeast mode...
What's that? Huh?
Yeast mode...!
Oh, God!
Oh, my... oh...!
Why didn't you vomit on Andre?
Have you seen his outfit?
It would've been redundant.
GFF's!
Oh, God!
Oh, no!
I feel better.
Gupta, we need ice and
lube in 302, please.
Oh, how's the chorizo
coming along, Sophia?
It's almost ready.
Looks fantastic.
Okay...
Can't believe I lost.
And I can't believe my
lucky jersey let me down.
Can't believe you sat in that vomit-caked
lucky jersey for hours, Kevin.
In hindsight, that
was a mistake.
Ugh... I can't believe that you're
going to be Sacko president again.
I know, it's like a run
unopposed every year.
Gentlemen, please don't
fill up on the snacks.
Sophia is making her world-famous
chorizo, and it is to die for.
Compliments of the house, a
bottle of our Three Penis wine.
It's technically a
Four Penis wine.
Oh, just one moment, please.
I apologize.
Sundays are very
busy around here.
What's the fourth penis?
Ragu!
Ugh.
Well, speaking of, congrats on
making the playoffs again, Pete.
Thanks, man.
I'm psyched.
Oh, Peter!
Of course, it does
come at a cost.
Got us some gluten-free
snacks for my new GFF.
I'm not your GFF.
GFF...
That's so cute, you guys.
Come on, ride with me,
my Breadless Horseman.
I really don't want to ride
with you anywhere, thank you.
You want to Lady and Tramp it?
- Geez... - I'm so sorry, the couple in
room 23 just put their "Disturb"
sign out, so I'm going to
go have sex with them.
Please remember to log all of your
sexual interactions while at the EBDB.
Jenny, I'm looking at you.
I'm good.
Ooh! Sophia's world-famous
chorizo is served.
World-famous chorizos!
Ah! Chorizos!
I'm not really hungry right now.
Okay, so they might taste a
little different, 'cause I used
Taco's casings, but
I hope you like it.
Tell me what you think.
Are these buns gluten-free?
No, maricón.
These look delicious.
Anyone see my lambskin condoms?
I washed them and hung them out
to dry, but now they're gone.
What...?
What?
Oh, my... Oh...!
Oh, my God!
Oh, God, it's condom chorizo!
Why would you take the condoms
out of the wrapper, Taco?
Oh, my God!
Because it's a hotel.
People want clean sheets
and clean condoms.
Taco, you don't wash condoms!
This is a green establishment.
We re-use our condoms!
Oh, God! Oh, God!
It would seem you people
were allergic to lambskin.
God, I taste it!
Look, geez, that looks great.
Mmm! Mmm!
They're world-famous for
a reason, Sophia-- mmm!
Ah... ah... Couldn't get the taste
of condom chorizo out of my mouth.
Oh, God...
Oh, God, okay, okay, oh, God... Oh, God...
Oh, Ruxin... What?!
You hypocrite.
It's not what you think.
You spend all this company
time yammering on about
toothbrushes and toilets, and
you're doing the exact same thing!
It's not my fault!
I had the condom chorizo!
What is that-- Korean?
Can't even understand you, man.
Oh, yeah, this is gonna be good.
What are you doing?
Two-man bathroom, bro.
Ugh... Hey... Ew...
Check this out.
What?!
It was you all along?
That's right.
Oh...
Oh... oh...!
Oh, that's good.
That's the stuff.
All right, now push it! Focus!
Don't look away!
Don't look away!
That's how it's done, my friend.
And I'm Russell!
And welcome to another episode
of Ménage à Cinq Video Blog!
Not another one of these.
How many of these videos
are they gonna make?
Whether you want to enjoy a
romantic Pinot with your lover...
...or a rowdy round of Riesling
with your racquetball team...
...we think you'll find this
place has the perfect terroir.
But don't worry, we're not pretentious--
Non, non, non, non,
non!
How many takes
do you think that took?
It took 13.
How do you know?
I directed it.
No expense was spared.
We installed these old bank
fixtures to turn this wine bar
into an old bank, which we then
turned back into a wine bar!
That seems unbelievably
expensive and unnecessary.
By the way-- did I tell you guys
I'm thinking of buying a giraffe.
One of the number-one problems in the
restaurant business today is when you're
sitting in a booth, what do
you do with your elbows?
Well, at Ménage à Cinq, we
spared no expense in inventing
the leather elbow rester.
#patentpending.
You know he got that sweatshirt,
just so he could say "hashtag."
And for private events, we have
our own special wine room.
And our unisex toilets mean even
more opportunity to mingle.
#makefriendsonthetoilet.
#partywhileyoupoop.
If this wine bar were a first-round
pick, it would be Ryan Leaf.
Or Jamarcus Russell.
What's that?
You want some adventurous single-vineyard
selections from around the globe?
Oh, we got that.
Andre also found these super-cool
antique wine implements.
Don't tell anyone, but they're actually
18th-century gynecological tools.
Ew.
Well, if it's cork versus
speculum-- cork, you're going
down...
#tuesdayniteisladiesnite.
#comeondown.
Congratulations, Andre.
You ruined wine.
I'd rather talk to
people about their kids.
You know what?
CB did the cutest thing at the party...
♪ Nobody cares... ♪
Oh, no...
♪ Nobody cares... ♪
♪ Nobody cares ♪
♪ Nobody cares... ♪
♪ Nobody cares! ♪
♪ Nobody cares ♪
♪ Nobody cares... ♪
♪ Nobody cares! ♪
♪ Nobody cares ♪
♪ Nobody cares ♪
♪ Nobody cares, cares, cares! ♪
Hey!
You're on my team.
Yeah, no, I-I got caught up.
Sorry.
That's a solid falsetto...
#flaccidodomingo.
Russell's team is really good.
Andre's killing it, too.
Yeah, of course he is.
He picked up all of our players after
the incidents with the Washingtons.
Trade of Tears.
I would trade them back
Manhattan for those players.
In spite of that, I still snuck out a
victory, thank you to my lucky jersey.
You're gonna need a lot more than your
lucky jersey next week, "Matt Farté."
You're playing me, and the
winner goes to the playoffs.
Mm!
Yeah, no kidding.
I need to squeak out against
this shit-sipper over here.
What about me?
Did I make the playoffs?
No, you and Chuck
are out, buddy.
Whew! What a relief.
I'm gonna need all the time I
can get to fix up my new house.
What?!
What?!
I wanted to wait until all the
papers were signed but, as
of today, it is official: Taco
over here is a homeowner.
Did you buy yourself a "Live
Not Work" space in the city?
No, I decided to leave downtown and join
my brother and his girlfriend in the
"slum-burbs."
Well, great.
Now you can gather up all your
stuff and get it out of my house.
No, I'm still gonna
need the storage space.
You think I'd store
that junk in my house?
Ah.
Huh?!
What?!
I go into the bathroom, the toothbrush
is sitting there on the metal thing.
I'm, like, how does that happen?
Is it a guy brushing his teeth
in an office bathroom, who has
no control over his
gastrointestinal issues, so he
goes to the bathroom and
keeps brushing his teeth?
Or is it a time management
issue, where you're, like, "I
gotta make the most out of my
day, so I'm gonna brush my teeth
while I blow foam."
I don't get it.
What's the problem?
The problem is don't bring
anything that you're going to
put into your mouth
into a bathroom stall.
Well, add toilet-brushing to the list of
things that you are passionate about.
That, and limited the
number of add/drops.
There should be unlimited
add/drops in our league!
No, that's a battle
for another day.
Right now, I just want to know
what animal would do this.
Enough out of you, Ruxin.
Taco, what's going on
with the new place?
When can we see it?
Well, there's still some work
that has to get done, but I'll
have you guy over
when it's ready.
Good.
You know, actually, I have
a place opening up, too.
Ménage à Cinq is gonna be the
best place to watch the games.
Look, you guys want gluten-free
and vegan snacks, we got 'em.
You know, I have a little bit of a
gluten allergy, so it's sort of a...
Oh, could you stop with the
gluten shit, Yeast Mode?
Oh, you can call me Yeast
Mode all you want.
I don't see it as an insult.
I wear it as a badge of honor.
That's right, Yeast Mode's
in the playoffs, y'all!
I think I'm developing
an Andre intolerance.
I decided to just cut out all
conversations about gluten,
'cause even though I'm not
allergic to it, I just feel
better when I don't have them.
Gross.
♪ Ruxin and Big Rod All ready to pee
Nobody here but you and me... ♪
What is up, buddy?
What are you doing, Chaps?
Going to the bathroom.
There's no divider here.
Oh, it doesn't matter.
Come on...
Oh, my God!
I assume that you
were just peeing?
That's part of it.
Oh, you're a creep!
Disgusting!
Hey, hey, hey!
Wash your hands!
Wash your dead tooth.
I tried that!
It doesn't help!
Chaps, with the dead tooth?
Mm-hmm.
You want me to fire him
because he took a dump?
No, I want you to fire him because
he took a dump in front of me.
It's a public bathroom.
No, it's a one-person bathroom.
With two facilities.
Yeah, but there's no divider,
so I gotta look at it.
You know the thing: "If there isn't
a divider, stand outside 'er."
That's not a real thing.
I'm working on making
it a real thing, okay?
I need your support on this.
It's disgusting!
You want to look another man in
the eye while he takes a grumper?
I'm saying I'm not afraid to.
I'm saying I've done it before,
whether it's lacrosse, or
a fraternity initiation...
Look, Bethesda, there are
certain things that
separate us from animals.
One: we learn to farm.
Two: we have cable TV.
And three: we don't shit and
look at other people in the eyes
while we're doing it, okay?
You want to look a guy in the eye
while he's taking a shit, like a dog?
You know how embarrassed dogs look
when they're shitting in front of you?
Their arched backs, and they're
looking at you, they got fear in
their eyes, and when they're done, they
scrape around in dirt, so that's...
You know what?
I guarantee you that Chaps is
the Toilet Toothbrush Bandit.
What toothbrush?
I was in the bathroom recently, and there
was a toothbrush sitting on top of
a toilet paper dispenser.
Is this why you have been calling
people into your office,
asking them all kinds of weird
questions, instead of doing your
Chevron depositions?
I am working on the Chevron
case, but I am also working on
the toilet toothbrush case.
Just do your job.
Sometimes you've gotta take a
stand and say: That's not right!
We are corporate lawyers.
We absolutely never
ever say that!
I'm telling you, it's
that dead-tooth ginger.
Wait, wait, wait-- hold on.
How do you open Excel?
Just open Microsoft Office.
Yep.
Okay.
Hey, do me a favor--
send that kid in here.
I'll call Ganesh.
Hey, Tiny.
Just a salad today?
Yeah, it's boring as shit.
They gave me some extra bread
sticks, if you want one.
You know, I can't.
I've been having stomach issues,
so I went to the doctor, and he
thinks I might have
a gluten allergy.
Oh!
You mean like Andre?
No, no, no, no-- we are not
telling Andre about this.
I can't have any bonding
moments with Andre, especially
one that is centered around
meals and has no end in sight.
No, it's the worst.
Yeah, "Bond-dre" is horrible.
I remember, in high school, when
he found out we both peeled
our bananas from the bottom...
You remember that?
Yeah, you guys were,
uh, "banana twins."
No, no, no, he wanted to call
us "the Banana Bottom Boys."
Oh...
He was talking about t-shirts
and hats-- I would have had to
switch high schools.
This is what I'm talking about.
I cannot become a gluten buddy.
I do not want to be
GFF's with Bond-dre.
Deal.
Yeah.
You know what?
I think I'm developing
a citrus allergy.
Every time I eat oranges, the
orange goes down fine, but the
peels just sit there
in my stomach.
So what you see before you are three
different types of wine decanters.
I'm trying to figure out which
one would fit perfectly on the
tables at Ménage à Cinq.
Kudos to you, Andre, because you
are committing everything to
this wine bar-- your money, your
time, your personal collection
of butt plugs... Okay... these are not
butt plugs, they are decanters, thank
you very much.
Now let's do the sniff test.
This one, you can hold by the shaft...
But you're still gonna want
to tickle it from the base.
Well, no, if you actually cup the
bottom, you're gonna heat up
the good stuff, and you
don't want to do that.
Yeah, then the wine will just spill
out all over the place too quickly.
Exactly.
This one has a much smaller
shaft, which I like, but, um...
I'll be honest-- I'm
a big-shaft man.
Mm-hmm.
That's interesting because,
while this one has the smallest
shaft, it has a nice grip, which
would allow for turning just for
the customer's extra pleasure.
This one seems more
appropriate for group parties
'cause you can get more hands
on there, and then, you know,
everyone's working it in.
It's a party experience.
Okay, you know what?
This is not going up
anyone's asshole.
So, then, what are
we doing here?
We're trying to pick a decanter.
Sniff away.
I'm getting another beer.
That a Heisler?
Jesus, Andre.
What do you want?
Gluten-free beer.
Well, well, well, Pete.
Welcome to the tribe.
Is this gluten-free?
You know what?
Maybe I need glasses.
Hey, you don't need glasses.
You're gluant.
Gluant?
Gluten-intolerant.
I am not.
This was just... just a mistake.
It's nothing to be
embarrassed about.
We'll be GFFs.
We're not GFFs.
I want to hold hands with you...
No.
...and walk into bakeries and
tell everyone what they're doing
to their bodies is poison.
Think about it.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Pete.
What are you drinking my
father-in-law's beer for, huh?
That's your... your
father-in-law's beer?
It was an accident.
I thought I was
getting a Peroni.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I must have been mistaken, then.
I thought you guys
were part of the club.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
I love bread.
I mean, I won't eat it if it
doesn't have bread in it.
This shit pig?
He lives in a bakery.
Yeah.
Oh, all right.
I guess I'll see you
grain brains later.
Oh, thank God.
Wow.
Oh, my God.
I owe you big-time.
Yeah, you think?
You almost walked into that.
I'm so scared.
I love you so much.
Ew, squish.
Come on, come look at this.
Oh.
You got to see this.
All right. Sorry.
Move, move, move, move.
Andre, move your butt
plugs out of the way.
They're not butt plugs.
Hi. I'm Taco, president and CEO
of Taco Corp, and I want to
welcome you to the world's first Eskimo
Brothers Database Bed-and-Breakfast.
The EBDBBnB.
The EBDBBnB is a comfortable,
cozy environment where you and
your Eskimo brothers can shack up, hang
out and make more Eskimo brothers.
What?
Can't believe this is what he
did with the house I sold him.
♪ Where do you go to
put a "P" in a "V"?
Come on down to the EBDBBnB ♪
If you need any room service or sex
toys, just ring the front desk.
♪ It's a relaxing, charming,
down-home kind of place
And when you hook up, we'll
add it to the database ♪
Ah, Michael and Jessica.
Slept with each other.
Now, if you could just fill out
this form, let me know who else
you've slept with,
I'd appreciate that.
How was he?
♪ Relax in a hammock or have some ice
tea And please wear a "C" so you
don't get the HIV ♪
And if you're not having sex,
just put the "disturb" sign on
the door, and someone will be right
in to help you get things started.
Right this way.
There you go.
They are right in there.
Wait a second.
This is a brothel, right?
♪ Expand your Eskimo family tree at
the EBDBBnB We're not responsible
for any STDs ♪
What happens at the EBDBBnB stays at the
EBDBBnB... in our video collection.
And don't worry--
Gupta just watches.
♪ This BnB is the place to be
if the "P" is going in the "V"
Or the "M"
Or, if you're lucky, the "B." ♪
All right, start screwing.
What's the "B"?
That's that little hole where
Andre puts his decanters.
So come on down to the EBDBBnB.
We'll be waiting for you.
Ah, doesn't look that bad.
I'll probably head down there.
Hi, guys.
Taco, what are you doing?
Did you start a brothel?
What?
The EBDBBnB is not a brothel.
It's a bed-and-breakfast
with penetration.
That is a brothel.
At least I'm not opening a
wine bar like some idiot.
Ha!
You guys should come by.
Sofia's gonna be making
her world-famous chorizo.
What? She hasn't made me
that chorizo in years.
She makes it for me every week.
It's amazing.
Uh, there are gonna
be tons of people.
We're gonna watch the games.
Gonna be food and everything.
What do you guys say, huh?
EBDBBnB this weekend.
No, no, no, no, no.
We already agreed that we were
gonna watch the games at Ménage
à Cinq this weekend.
I already planted my flag.
We're opening this weekend, so a lot of
people will be planting their flags.
I mean, actually a lot of you guys
will be at Ménage à Cinq, right?
Uh... Uh... Right.
I'll see you guys Sunday.
Jenny, I need to talk to you.
I need your help.
Oh, yeah, you thinking
about franchising?
No, no, no, it's just, BnBs
are usually run by really old
lesbians, and you're the
oldest lesbian I know.
I'm not an old lesbian, Taco.
I bet Becky from field
hockey would disagree.
Will you quit it?
Well, I need a lesbian to run this
thing, and Andre's busy this weekend.
No.
By the way, can I borrow
those butt plugs?
They're not butt plugs.
This is for wine,
not for assholes.
You're holding it.
Yeah, egg salad sandwich
on pumpernickel.
Extra egg, extra mayo.
Bye.
Aha!
I caught you, Chaps.
Injecting insulin?
Huh? You're diabetic?
Yes, asshole.
Cool. Cool, cool.
You're weird.
- Mm-hmm.
- Stop being weird.
I'm the weird one?
This guy is not locking the door
when he goes to the bathroom.
That is weird.
It's a two-person bathroom.
Bingo.
There's no divider.
It's not a two-person bathroom.
What do you want, man?
What I want is to not look another man
in the eyes while he's taking a grumper.
Have you never been
initiated to something?
Exactly.
No, I save my homoerotic
stuff for message boards.
You serious?
I mean like fantasy football.
Like, "I'm gonna stuff that in him,"
"he's getting stuffed by that guy."
Oh, yeah, no, no, I get it.
That's good stuff.
Okay, great, so I want to
launch a formal investigation
into the Toilet Toothbrush
Bandit because, I'm telling you,
the Tooth Scary here is brushing his
teeth while he's dropping grumpers off.
That's never gonna happen.
What you need to do is apologize
to Chaps and his tooth.
I'm sorry.
I'm gonna need a medium if I'm
going to apologize to that tooth
'cause it's so dead.
Ah.
Do you think the lawyers for
those indigenous people down in
the Amazon are goofing
around like this?
I guarantee they're dealing
with plumbing issues.
Do your job or I'll
send you back to Korea.
Got that, Ke-Mo Sah-Bee?
Do your job, "Kemma Sibby."
That's not even Korean.
It's...
Oh, my God.
Hey, Rux.
Yeah, I'll call Ganesh.
Thank you.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, stop, stop.
No, no, no, no, no, no washing my
lucky jersey during the playoff push.
What?
This baby's got
to stay pristine.
Pristine was about
five exits back, babe.
That thing is filthy.
Filthy? No.
This thing is covered in luck.
Is that what you're calling it?
Because, to me, it looks a
whole lot like mustard.
That's what luck is.
Luck is comprised of mustard,
ketchup, tears and blood.
For a hot dog vendor.
This thing's gonna help
me win it all this year.
And when I do... Hey, guys.
No, Taco, you cannot
take our stuff.
No, this is my stuff.
I'm moving out of this shithole.
Really?
What?
Don't worry, I'm still gonna
come here for eating.
Uh, can I get a hand?
I have a lot of gizmos
to get out of here.
Yes.
See? Lucky jersey.
What do we got?
What?
This was all in our attic?
I'm gonna take all this stuff
with me, but I'm gonna leave
some of the junk behind, like
the couch in the TV room.
That's our couch.
Here you go.
My God, these are all condoms?
Yeah.
I need them for the EBDBBnB.
A lot of people having
sex over there.
Lambskin?
Gross.
No, no, no, they come the closest
to simulating unprotected sex.
I think they're the closest thing
to having sex with a sheep.
That is incorrect.
Lambskin condoms are the best.
And when you have sex as much
as I do, you want the best.
It's like how it's okay to buy $300
sneakers if you're really into running.
Exactly-- I don't just have sex for fun
on the weekends, like you guys do.
Well, we don't have sex on the weekend, Mr.
Know-It-All,
because she says I'm too tired.
He's exhausted.
Hey, Taco!
Everyone's supposed to come over to my
wine bar, not go to your stupid place!
Hey, man... what's your ass beating
on the damn door like that?
What's wrong with you?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Marshawn, don't kill him.
It's okay.
Oh.
He's unfortunately with me.
Oh, this your boy, huh?
How do you know Marshawn Lynch?
Yeah, Marshawn's my silent
partner in the EBDBBnB.
Yeah, the EBDBBnB is all
about that action, boss.
It's funny, we have
a lot in common.
You're "Beast Mode" and I'm...
Bam!
Oh, here he goes.
...Yeast Mode!
What the hell is Yeast Mode?
It's all about that
gluten-free action, boss!
Andre, you're the last person who
should be talking about action.
Oh, I get plenty of action.
What kind of action?
Hand action-- you know
what I'm talking about.
Nah, that's not action.
That's action.
Not action.
That is not action.
Well, I get some mouth
action, too-- a little bit.
Andre, it doesn't count if
you're doing it yourself.
It does... it count... Tell him it
counts when you do it yourself.
Hell, no!
I don't know nothing about that.
Okay, well, sometimes I do it
myself, but that's because of my
yoga class is very intense,
it just slips in there.
You're blaming this on yoga?!
I don't swallow
'cause of the gluten.
How do you know... Marshawn, if
you're good here, we gotta go.
Oh, what about Sunday?
Look, here's what I can do:
for the morning games, people
will go to the wine bar, but the
afternoon games are the EBDBBnB.
Marshawn, you should come.
It'll be fun.
Ah, well, Sundays, I'm
a little busy, man.
Doing what?
Sunday, that's when I go ahead and go to...
No, this is what I'm talking
about, Marshawn-- for a silent
partner, you sure do talk a lot.
You just yap-yap, yap-yap,
yap all the time.
Bro... Let's roll.
Taco, man, I'm-a holla at you.
Take care.
See you, Marshawn.
Yeast Mode, right?
Stop embarrassing me.
All right, Taco.
Wow, I am honored that you guys
came here to watch the games.
It means the world to me.
What is this, Andre?
I know.
It's embarrassing.
It's a Chardonnay bottle
with red wine in it-- blah.
Yeah, that's what's
wrong with it.
That's what I picture Rafi's
dick looking like-- blood
squirting out the end and, like,
elephantitis of the balls.
That is some fearless feedback.
That's the benefit of
doing a soft opening.
You know what's super-soft
is your lineup.
I am projected to win
and I am thrilled.
Well, you know, I just projected in the
third stall here at Ménage à Cinq.
Just had the stinker-tinker
of a lifetime.
Whoo! Feeling good.
You are shit-pants.
Oh, here comes some food.
All right!
I've got stuff that you guys are
gonna love-- especially you, Petey.
So, I have some flatbread pizza;
got a little bread bowl, with
some amazing clam chowder.
These are all artisanal breads.
That's a lot of bread.
Well, just because I can't eat
bread doesn't mean I can't
watch my friends enjoy some of
our amazing homemade creations.
Mm-hmm!
So, eat up!
Try this garlic bread.
It's supposedly delicious.
Oh, looks delicious.
Here, Kevin, there you go.
Enjoy.
You don't want any?
Flatbread pizza?
I'm gonna have some almonds.
These look delicious.
No, no, no, no--
what are you doing?
You gotta try this.
It's a homemade bread pudding.
You're gonna love it.
What's wrong?
Come on, I thought
you loved bread.
If you don't love bread and
you've got a gluten intolerance,
you and Andre could be
GFF's-- Gluten Free Forever.
I love bread.
So shovel a spoonful
in your face-keister.
There you go.
It's good, right?
Yeah.
Why'd you eat the
whole thing, Pete?
'Cause he loves it.
Buddy, you don't look so good.
You feeling all right?
Could it be because my team
jumped out to an early lead, or
could it be something
that you ate?
Yeast mode...
What's that? Huh?
Yeast mode...!
Oh, God!
Oh, my... oh...!
Why didn't you vomit on Andre?
Have you seen his outfit?
It would've been redundant.
GFF's!
Oh, God!
Oh, no!
I feel better.
Gupta, we need ice and
lube in 302, please.
Oh, how's the chorizo
coming along, Sophia?
It's almost ready.
Looks fantastic.
Okay...
Can't believe I lost.
And I can't believe my
lucky jersey let me down.
Can't believe you sat in that vomit-caked
lucky jersey for hours, Kevin.
In hindsight, that
was a mistake.
Ugh... I can't believe that you're
going to be Sacko president again.
I know, it's like a run
unopposed every year.
Gentlemen, please don't
fill up on the snacks.
Sophia is making her world-famous
chorizo, and it is to die for.
Compliments of the house, a
bottle of our Three Penis wine.
It's technically a
Four Penis wine.
Oh, just one moment, please.
I apologize.
Sundays are very
busy around here.
What's the fourth penis?
Ragu!
Ugh.
Well, speaking of, congrats on
making the playoffs again, Pete.
Thanks, man.
I'm psyched.
Oh, Peter!
Of course, it does
come at a cost.
Got us some gluten-free
snacks for my new GFF.
I'm not your GFF.
GFF...
That's so cute, you guys.
Come on, ride with me,
my Breadless Horseman.
I really don't want to ride
with you anywhere, thank you.
You want to Lady and Tramp it?
- Geez... - I'm so sorry, the couple in
room 23 just put their "Disturb"
sign out, so I'm going to
go have sex with them.
Please remember to log all of your
sexual interactions while at the EBDB.
Jenny, I'm looking at you.
I'm good.
Ooh! Sophia's world-famous
chorizo is served.
World-famous chorizos!
Ah! Chorizos!
I'm not really hungry right now.
Okay, so they might taste a
little different, 'cause I used
Taco's casings, but
I hope you like it.
Tell me what you think.
Are these buns gluten-free?
No, maricón.
These look delicious.
Anyone see my lambskin condoms?
I washed them and hung them out
to dry, but now they're gone.
What...?
What?
Oh, my... Oh...!
Oh, my God!
Oh, God, it's condom chorizo!
Why would you take the condoms
out of the wrapper, Taco?
Oh, my God!
Because it's a hotel.
People want clean sheets
and clean condoms.
Taco, you don't wash condoms!
This is a green establishment.
We re-use our condoms!
Oh, God! Oh, God!
It would seem you people
were allergic to lambskin.
God, I taste it!
Look, geez, that looks great.
Mmm! Mmm!
They're world-famous for
a reason, Sophia-- mmm!
Ah... ah... Couldn't get the taste
of condom chorizo out of my mouth.
Oh, God...
Oh, God, okay, okay, oh, God... Oh, God...
Oh, Ruxin... What?!
You hypocrite.
It's not what you think.
You spend all this company
time yammering on about
toothbrushes and toilets, and
you're doing the exact same thing!
It's not my fault!
I had the condom chorizo!
What is that-- Korean?
Can't even understand you, man.
Oh, yeah, this is gonna be good.
What are you doing?
Two-man bathroom, bro.
Ugh... Hey... Ew...
Check this out.
What?!
It was you all along?
That's right.
Oh...
Oh... oh...!
Oh, that's good.
That's the stuff.
All right, now push it! Focus!
Don't look away!
Don't look away!
That's how it's done, my friend.