The League (2009–2015): Season 6, Episode 10 - Epi Sexy - full transcript
Pete is dating a girl who has seizures during sex, Andre starts wearing glasses, Taco's frittata friend (Bobby Lee) teaches Jenny to cook.
PETE: Oh, my God.
(moaning)
(shuddering moans)
Oh, my God.
Oh, oh, my...
(muttering)
God, that was incredible.
What happened?
That was a little risky.
Wait, what do you mean,
risky? What...
Is something going on down
there? Is it...
Oh, no, no, that's not...
No, no. I'm a...
This is a clean machine.
Oh, okay.
What-what's up?
Um, I have a mild case of
epilepsy, and I just had a
little seizure, I think.
Oh, my God, Heather.
No, I am so sorry.
I didn't realize I was bringing
that on. I just...
Oh, no.
Don't worry about it, because
you didn't do it.
Well, you know, I was a
participant in it, for sure.
No, it wasn't you at all.
Nothing you did affected me
physically in any way, shape
or form.
Uh, thank you.
(sighs) Just have to be more
careful in the future so it
doesn't happen again.
(sighs)
Yeah, of course.
Yeah, 'cause...
Yeah, that should never happen
again.
Look, the thing is, it was the
best sex I ever had, okay?
Hands down.
TACO: Wow, I thought the only
disease that was good for sex
was low self-esteem.
I know, it's crazy, but there
is nothing that can beat
epileptic sex.
KEVIN: She's just epi-sexy.
Yeah, super epi-sexy.
But I can't just be like,
"Well, let's hang out again and
maybe, like, we'll get lucky and
there'll be a seizure."
Like, that's not appropriate.
ANDRE: Hey, guys.
What are you talking about?
Well, you now.
Oh, these things?
Yeah, I need them.
You don't need them.
Take them off.
Those are prescribed?
100%.
By an actual doctor?
I am a doctor.
You're not an eye doctor.
All right, you know what?
Guys, Andre obviously went to an
eye doctor who diagnosed him
with lame eye.
I don't have lame eye.
Well, let's hope not, because
I want your vision 100% clear
this weekend when my team kicks
your team's ass.
How have you gotten by in
this life without glasses or
contacts?
I think it was kind of like a
Daredevil thing.
I just, you know, felt by sonar.
All right, bullshit.
Let's test your eyesight.
Take your glasses off.
Okay, sure.
How many fingers am I holding
up?
I don't know, Jenny.
Wow, I guess he really does
need them.
Oh, God, it's Taco.
You-you can obviously hear
his voice.
Well, he could have lame ear,
too.
Guys, I am falling apart, but
at least I look fashionable
doing it.
(exhaling loudly)
JENNY: All right.
Here you go, guys.
Thank you.
You-you guys excited for the
sleepover?
I am ecstat...
Oh, my gosh, I spilled it.
No, honey, it's okay.
It's fine.
I'll just wash it and I'll send
it home with you tomorrow, okay?
Thank you.
Buddy, are you all good here?
You go play.
Hey, guess who invited
himself over for dinner.
Hey.
Hello. Ooh, Chinese.
Where'd you get it from?
Oh, Mom made it.
Her chow mein is the best thing
she makes.
Jenny doesn't make Chinese food.
What? No, I do.
She does.
Let me show you how I made it
in the kitchen.
Go in the kitchen.
Shh!
Listen, listen.
Listen, Andre, ever since
Ellie was a little girl, we
would order Chinese food, and I
would serve it to her and I
would say, "Look at what Mommy
made," and she would go, "Mmm,
Mommy, this is so good."
She loves it.
And now she's, like, super
proud of me, and I can't break
her heart.
This is a very sad fairy tale
you've dreamed.
Andre, you want to stay for
this dinner, you got to go along
with the long con.
Sounds more like the,
uh, won con.
What?
Or won con soup?
We're not laughing because
this is serious, Andre.
We're also not laughing
because that's a stupid joke.
Oh, I see, uh, ancient
Chinese secret.
You know what, you didn't see
anything.
Now, stop it!
Okay, I got to go the bathroom.
Is there an elaborate story
behind that?
Is there a special toilet genie
that's collecting poop and pee
to bring back to his village?
No, just no wipes.
You don't have to tell me
that twice.
Don't you need your glasses?
Oh, door.
Stop doing that, Andre.
Where am I?
Oh, Jenny, remind me, next week
will you make some of your
famous Big Macs?
Oh, sorry.
Oh, who's that?
Excuse me?
Who is that?
Oh, big head, low hair line.
Kevin!
Yes.
How are you?
Well, not good, considering I
just saw you staring at my scout
team.
Every player that I'm
pinpointing.
Basically, my whole strategy for
the year.
Oh, good thing I didn't have
my glasses, 'cause I-I'm as
blind as a bat.
I mean, I thought that was an
abacus.
And considering your past of
cheating this year, I would
think that you would really,
really be very careful before
you considered a second
infraction.
That's why it's so good that
I didn't wear my glasses, 'cause
I am blind.
Good.
I'm telling you, I didn't see
a...
Great, 'cause we're playing
each other this week.
Remember that, and I would want
everything to be above board.
Absolutely.
Okay, bathroom's that way.
So, what do you want to do?
Want to watch TV?
Okay.
Great.
What's wrong with your TV?
I don't know.
Did you pay the bill?
It's football season.
I paid my bill.
I tell you what, you just keep
watching the TV, and I'll cycle
through all the inputs, okay?
Okay.
Item one.
It's HDMI one.
Item two.
Nope, nope, just turn it off.
How about some music?
Okay.
You're gonna like this.
Okay.
(aggressive rock music playing)
Yeah!
What is this?
This is my jam.
This is, like, murder music.
I spin to this.
That's worse!
You got to watch the
visualizer and listen to it.
I can't listen to this one
second more.
Well, you got to...
That's the worst thing I've
ever heard in my life.
I'm trying to set the mood.
Well, you don't need to set
the mood.
I'm here and I'm already in the
mood.
You know what, it's a good thing
we didn't do this last night.
Why?
I had another stupid seizure.
Last night?
That sucks.
That you're having these
seizures, and I'm not there with
you.
But the good news is it's
never happened to me two days in
a row.
Oh, good.
So we are good to go.
Come on.
All right.
So we had sex, and, you know, it
was pretty great.
It just wasn't...
So normal sex isn't good for
you anymore.
You just wants epi-sex.
Kind of.
Well, once you figure out
what you want, all you have to
do is be honest with her.
Honesty is the best policy.
Right, Andre?
Yeah, that's why they call me
Honest Andre.
By the way, that was a great
pickup with Juwan Thompson.
Oh, yeah, right?
Broncos v. the Rams?
Forget it.
Forget about it.
That guy's gonna destroy.
You know what's surprising
is he's only owned in 19% of
leagues.
I-I actually had him on my scout
team, but I didn't have the
stones to pull the trigger.
But you did, Andre.
How'd you do it?
Anyway, I would say, just be
truthful.
I did the research.
Great.
I'm gonna get a drink.
Anyone want a drink?
Honestly, I-I couldn't.
Okay.
God, that son of a bitch.
I caught him looking at my scout
team without his glasses.
Oh.
Yeah, yeah, I'm pulling a
guilt con on Andre.
Just gonna play up the honesty
theme.
Honesty, okay, let me try it.
Uh, Kevin, "You're a really good
brother," is a phrase that's
been a lie every time I've said
it.
Oh.
Whew, what a load off.
Yeah, this feels good.
You know what else feels
good?
Someone's mouth on my wiener!
Rafi's here.
Yeah.
Look at this guy, right?
Who wants another round?
Guys, I'm buying.
My women's self-defense class is
making me pretty flush right
now.
Oh, God, PYH.
Protect Your Holes, my
self-defense course for women,
has exploded in popularity.
I'm even teaching a self-defense
self-defense class where I teach
the guys how to defend
themselves against the defense
techniques that I've taught the
girls.
Oh, so this new class is,
like, Protect Your Poles?
Ooh, Brian, that is we're
best friends, man.
You're the only person I care
about, and I would straight-up
stab the other three of these
guys and take off with you
right now.
You're running a class that's
highly offensive to women.
Oh, no, in fact, it's highly
defensive.
It's a self-defense class,
Brian.
Duh!
The best part of the whole
thing is I do it in bullet time.
Please tell me you're not
shooting bullets at your class.
I'm talking about bullet time
from The Matrix.
Where the guy, Lord Elrond from
Lord of the Rings is shooting a
gun at the dude from The Lake
House, and the dude from The
Lake House is all, like...
Whoa!
And all the bullets are just,
like, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew!
And they all miss him.
So what I do is I take, like, a
whole bunch of speed, I get all
ramped up, and then I'm moving
in regular time, and everybody
else is moving in slow-motion.
And I'm like, booge, booge,
buh-booge, buh-booge, buh-booge.
Wait a minute.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Easy, Rafi.
That's self-defense.
No, it's not.
You're having sex with them.
I think I'm...
Tall Guy, come at me.
I don't really need to...
Tall Guy, come at me!
Am I supposed to be the man
or the woman?
Doesn't matter.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
No, no, no!
(shouting)
Stop!
You want me to stop?
Yes!
See, first mistake.
That's consent.
Protect your holes, Pete.
And your pole.
He'd be putting up way more
of a fight if he didn't like it.
Get off, Rafi.
(mumbling)
He's fine.
We're just having fun.
No, we're not having fun.
You're taking it too far, Rafi.
(groans)
Are those your mints?
Yes, these are my mints,
Rafi.
Okay, is this your pocket
dog?
No, it's not my pocket dog,
Rafi.
Oh, guess it's mine.
How are your holes?
Unprotected.
I could've been inside you in,
like, a second.
To be fair, I didn't teach you
the final move in self-defense
self-defense.
Self-de-feces.
Excuse me?
It's a protective shit.
When someone's trying to get in,
you start sending something out.
You can't just decide to take
a shit.
It's a three-step process.
One, think about taking a shit.
Two, relax your sphincter.
Three, oh...
(groans)
Oh, no.
What?
Oh, boy.
This isn't my bad, guys.
My God, Rafi!
Get out of here!
No, it's okay. It's okay.
Mrs. MacArthur, I wanted to
tell you about a fun project we
have going on at the school,
where the kids take turns
bringing in their favorite
family recipes for the class to
enjoy and share.
Oh, that is fun.
And next week is Ellie's turn.
Oh!
I want you to make your
world-famous chow mein.
Your chow mein is just
extraordinary.
Oh, wow.
Please make the chow mein.
That is very culturally
adventurous of you.
Yeah, I am pretty darn
adventurous.
Okay, I'm gonna pencil you in
for next week.
Great.
Alison! Hi, sweetheart.
Hi.
Oh, why don't you get your
bag, Ellie.
Can I talk to your mom alone?
Hey, Cheryl.
Hi.
I hope Alison had fun at the
sleepover the other night.
Actually, I think that she
had a little too much fun.
She came home smelling strongly
of, um...
marijuana.
No.
Yes.
Really? Oh, Cheryl.
She's so young to start using.
(laughs)
A-Alison is not using.
Someone in your house is using.
Honey, let's go get some ice
cream, huh?
Does she have the munchies?
(sighs)
Kevin, there's been a lot of
distrust between us, and that's
why I propose that this week, we
set each other's lineup.
I like that idea, Andre.
It's like a fantasy football
trust fall.
I'm glad that you like this.
And I kind of just started
playing around here, and I got
all your guys in there.
Looks great. I'll take it so.
You trust me?
I trust you.
Submit.
Great, well, then submit.
Lineup locked.
Okay, so now, let's do your
lineup.
You know what, I'm actually
getting a bit of glare off your
glasses.
Let me just take these off.
Just put these over here.
Well, I can't...
I can't see without these.
That's not really an issue,
though, Andre, because you trust
me, don't you?
As I trusted you when you set my
lineup.
(grunting)
Okay, who do you want to be your
number one running back
this week?
What about, uh, Eddie Lacy?
Yeah.
You know, going to Philadelphia.
He's gonna have a monster
week. Let's move Eddie Lacy
up to your running back
position.
Boom.
You okay?
Uh, I feel like it looks like
a different name there.
Well, don't strain yourself.
No, I'm not... Just...
Andre, Andre, trust me.
Are you nearsighted or
farsighted?
That's the thing, it goes in
and out, that's the, uh, you
know?
Mm-hmm.
I do have a question.
Okay.
I feel like Eddie Lacy's
such a small name...
Mm-hmm.
...and this is like such a
big name there, right?
That's my eyes, damn these eyes.
Hey.
Look at me the best you can.
I trust you and I want you to
trust me. So...
I trust you.
Submit.
Huh? Let's shake on it, Andre.
All right, come here.
Good job.
Good talk.
Shit.
(sniffing)
What the...?
(sniffs)
Oh, God!
Taco!
What's up?
Why are you in my garage?
I was eating.
No, what are you doing?
Oh, come on...
Don't you know what running the
dryer does to weed?
Oh, it's gonna smell like
clothes now.
Are you using our dryer as a
guest bong?
No, my guest bong's your fire
extinguisher.
This is my guest stash.
I was trying to be considerate
by putting it somewhere you
don't use.
I use my dryer!
I don't believe you.
Your kids are never wearing
clean clothes.
You know what?
I have bigger issues with my
kids.
Do you know I have to cook chow
mein for Ellie's entire class?
Oh, you're finally learning
how to cook?
That's great, that's really
gonna help you find a man.
I have a man.
Mmm...
I need a recipe for chow mein.
Oh, well, I know a really
good Chinese chef.
You do?
He's my Eskimo stepbrother.
Step...?
Yeah, we had sex with the
same girl in an exercise class.
Ah.
Welcome to the kitchen of
Ménage à Cinq.
Everything is set up here for
our chow mein demonstration.
Thank you so much for letting
us do this in your restaurant
before it's even open.
It's a pleasure to have a
master chef in here.
Everyone...
Hey, guys.
This is Lee Wei Lee.
Ah, Master Chef.
We are so excited to have you in
our restaurant.
I'm gonna take off.
There's an organic, three-penis
wine market that just opened up.
I hear they sell wine from the
dicks of grass-fed animals.
That's healthy.
See you guys later.
Ah, Master Chef, I like your
glasses, eh?
Great minds think alike?
Oh, I guess he wants to get us
started. Okay.
Let's go. Okay.
Ooh...
(sniffs)
You know, I've read about this.
What?
Master chefs don't often use
utensils.
They just use their hands and...
I'm so sorry, Master...
Boy!
Oh, yes. Thank you.
Thank you, Master Chef.
I think he likes... me.
How am I... how am I doing,
chef, huh?
(Lee humming)
Do I keep...
(Lee continues humming)
Let him guide your hands.
(sniffing)
Dude, it's okay if he smells
you.
Thank you, chef.
(Lee grunting)
Whoosh...
Yeah... okay, so... now we
are... whoosh.
Ooh.
This doesn't seem sanitary.
Hee!
(laughing)
Okay.
Okay.
You know, chef, I actually
made my own noodles last night.
I was wondering if you would
taste them and see how I did.
Try the noodles?
(sniffs)
Oh...
(Lee humming)
What are you...
(Lee laughing)
Ooh, Lee Wei Lee's making his
head noodles.
Those are good.
Taco, what is this guy's deal?
Is he... frittata?
Uh, yeah.
I mean, look at him.
Why would you not tell me
that?
What? 'Cause I don't
stigmatize people like that.
I don't go around saying that
about Chalupa Batman.
What?
Come on, Lee Wei Lee, let's
get out of here.
(Lee howls)
Yes, get away from these
horrible people.
It's this way... it's...
He can't see through the dough.
Just make holes in the dough.
No wonder he kept on touching
the pot.
And the worst part is, I thought
we were learning something.
You did?
Yeah, very, like...
Hi-yo!
Whoa.
Look at this!
Wow.
What is that?
Well, I heard you were
opening a new kitchen, so I
brought you a toilet.
Okay, get that out of here.
We cannot have that in the
kitchen.
But what happens when the
guys who are preparing the food
need to take a shit?
They go to the bathroom.
Oh, what, so they're gonna
pick up all this stuff they're
working with, bring it to the
bathroom so they can keep
working while they go?
Okay, you know what?
Duly noted.
That guy that just left--
pasta for hair, dough for face?
Yeah.
That's Lee Wei Lee, isn't it?
Yeah.
Yes, it was.
I knew it.
That guy's dating my
ex-girlfriend.
What?
Gail, the human garbage can?
Swimming instructor?
Yeah, and it's making me crazy.
No, see, this guy is...
mentally challenged.
(laughs) I don't like him,
either.
But apparently, he's some bigwig
in the restaurant biz.
He's got a chauffer that drives
him around in this, like, little
yellow bus everywhere.
Meanwhile, you know, I'm riding
a ten-speed that I stole from an
11-year-old.
Ugh. Pittsburgh-Tennessee.
This game is as low-scoring as
your team, Andre.
Ha. Great.
God, Taco.
Because of you, now I have to
learn how to cook this stupid
chow mein all by myself.
Okay, why don't you just
order the Chinese food?
No one will know.
Ellie has to document my
process for her class, so I have
to look like I know what I'm
doing.
Well, even though you guys
are horrible, narrow-minded
people, Lee Wei Lee offered to
help you guys again.
No.
Yeah, apparently he liked the
way you smell, so...
Mmm. No, thank you.
Hey, that's a compliment.
Oh, Andre, this is so terrible.
I'm sorry.
96 to 43?
You didn't pick any of the
players I asked for.
I guess my vision's just a
little bit foggy.
You know what?
Maybe I need glasses, too.
That could be it.
No. You know what?
I'm getting a beer.
Give me your eye doctor's
phone number, Andre.
(Rafi screaming)
Oh, God!
Oh, thank God you're here.
What is going on?
I've got a B.D.E.
What is that?
I've got a broken dick
emergency.
I need to see a doctor.
Where's Andre?
There.
Andre?
Andre, look at this!
Andre, look at this!
Oh, my God!
Look at this!
My God, Rafi, stop!
(Rafi shouting)
Look at this, Andre!
It's leaking!
Oh... oh, God, oh, God, oh,
God.
Don't walk away, Andre!
Oh, my God.
Some things you cannot unsee.
Only if you see them first.
You're not wearing your glasses,
Andre.
Ah ha ha ha!
No?
Ah, the gig is up.
Well, you all fell prey to my
elaborate hoax.
No, we didn't.
No.
What, you didn't fall for it?
No.
You knew the whole time?
Of course.
So the whole honesty thing,
that wasn't real?
So, wait, we don't have to be
honest anymore?
No.
I love you guys.
Ohh... okay.
Feel a little bit better now.
That was disgusting.
What is going on down there?
Yeah, right?
I was teaching my self-defense
class and one of those girls,
she really caught me with a
shiv.
Right at the base, too.
And I was real hard.
You know how much blood's in
your dick when you're real hard?
So all that just came pouring
right out.
Ugh...
But I think I got it settled
down now.
How?
I opened up your mayo, ga
And mayonnaise has healing
properties, the Indians used it.
What happened to that whole
bullet time thing?
Exactly! Right?
I took, like, 45 of these things
and nothing happened.
All I have now is fresh breath
and a broken dick.
Hang on, hang on.
What?
I need more mints.
Pete, you're like 30 deep in
those. Your breath is fine.
But these mints are so
god damn good.
Okay, carpe diem! Seize the day!
Come here!
(laughing)
Okay!
Whoa.
I'm feeling a little hot.
Yes, baby, you are hot.
I'm in the clouds.
Yeah, you're in the clouds.
Yeah?
(gibbering)
Oh, God!
Oh, whatever you're doing, don't
stop it.
Oh, my God, don't stop.
Oh, my God, don't ever stop!
You're like Superman.
Oh!
Oh...
(laughing)
Oh, my God, what was that?
I did not think you could make
me feel that good.
Pete? Pete?
Pete?
What?
Pete, are you okay?
Did I miss the seizure?
Oh...
Filthy.
Godspeed, Jenny.
Godspeed those children's
digestive systems.
Oh... where is it?
Where is it?
Wait, did you sleep here last
night, Taco?
I can't find it.
Taco, what are you looking for?
I don't understand, it was
right there. Where is it?
What are you looking for?
No, no, no, no, no!
Why would you do that?
My weed!
Your wife stole it.
You sure it's not already in
here?
Some of it, but not the most
of it.
Well, where did you leave it
last, Taco?
I hid it in the Chinese
spices and now it's gone.
Kids, this is chow mein,
courtesy of Mrs. MacArthur.
Looks different, Mom.
Shh.
Okay, enjoy.
Again, Sheryl, I am mortified
about the whole clothes in the
dryer thing... I'm so sorry.
Don't even... don't worry
about it.
I have a mentally unstable
homeless brother-in-law, too.
Oh. I feel like every family
has one.
(Sheryl laughs)
I hope I can pull off this whole
chow mein deal.
It's not up to my regular
standards.
Oh, I don't know.
I think people are really
enjoying it.
Oh, my God.
This is the best chow mein of my
life.
What is your secret?
Is that cumin?
Uh...
It's amazing, right?
It's amazing, it is amazing!
Is this my body?
Am I weak?
It's amazing.
Everything is cursive.
Everything is cursive...
I feel like I fell off the
world.
I'm so hungry.
(laughing)
I'm falling.
I hate geometry!
Ah!
(laughing)
Oh, my...
There's marijuana in here.
No, that's impossible.
Is this what I think it is?
Oh, my God.
(children laughing)
Kids, stop eating.
Stop eating immediately.
She is never coming over to your
house.
Ah...!
(laughing)
I'm gonna get fired.
I'm gonna get fired!
(laughing): I never liked you.
(giggling)
Hey, Gail.
Rafi.
What are you doing here?
I realize now that even
though you're a piece of
garbage, I shouldn't have thrown
you away.
You know what, Rafi?
You're too little, too late,
okay?
I'm with Lee Wei Lee now.
Oh, come on!
What's he got that I don't have?
This is a man of style, of
sophistication...
There are times when we just
look into each other's eyes for
hours... and just get lost.
He doesn't have to say anything.
It's poetry in his eyes.
There's a real, like,
powerful innocence there.
It's like he sees right... right
into my heart.
He has empathy.
Huh?
When a fire truck goes by, he
starts shrieking...
(Lee shrieking)
...and imitating it.
It's very, very loud.
You know? Because he feels for
the people they're going to
save.
I get it, Gail.
He's-he's the total package.
Look, I'm not opposed to a
three-way situation, here, but
I'm not leaving this for this.
This guy clearly has
everything, but does he love you
as much as I do?
Does he spend every waking
minute of his life stalking you?
Does he wake up in the morning
in your closet, sneak out, make
you breakfast and then hide in
another closet so that he can
watch you eat that breakfast?
That was you?
Of course that was me.
Didn't you know?
I... no.
No!
Whoa!
Okay, guys, seriously, don't
fight over me.
This ends now!
Okay!
♪ ♪
(grunting)
What? Whoa, what?
There is so much slapping.
No!
Ah!
(Lee laughs)
(Rafi laughs)
(grunting)
Oh!
Oh!
They're killing each other!
For me!
(grunting)
Go to sleep.
(Lee grunts)
Does it... what?
(sniffing)
What... what did you do?
Self-defeces?
Oh, no, self-defeces?
Yeah.
Oh, my God, he used my own
move against me.
(moaning)
(shuddering moans)
Oh, my God.
Oh, oh, my...
(muttering)
God, that was incredible.
What happened?
That was a little risky.
Wait, what do you mean,
risky? What...
Is something going on down
there? Is it...
Oh, no, no, that's not...
No, no. I'm a...
This is a clean machine.
Oh, okay.
What-what's up?
Um, I have a mild case of
epilepsy, and I just had a
little seizure, I think.
Oh, my God, Heather.
No, I am so sorry.
I didn't realize I was bringing
that on. I just...
Oh, no.
Don't worry about it, because
you didn't do it.
Well, you know, I was a
participant in it, for sure.
No, it wasn't you at all.
Nothing you did affected me
physically in any way, shape
or form.
Uh, thank you.
(sighs) Just have to be more
careful in the future so it
doesn't happen again.
(sighs)
Yeah, of course.
Yeah, 'cause...
Yeah, that should never happen
again.
Look, the thing is, it was the
best sex I ever had, okay?
Hands down.
TACO: Wow, I thought the only
disease that was good for sex
was low self-esteem.
I know, it's crazy, but there
is nothing that can beat
epileptic sex.
KEVIN: She's just epi-sexy.
Yeah, super epi-sexy.
But I can't just be like,
"Well, let's hang out again and
maybe, like, we'll get lucky and
there'll be a seizure."
Like, that's not appropriate.
ANDRE: Hey, guys.
What are you talking about?
Well, you now.
Oh, these things?
Yeah, I need them.
You don't need them.
Take them off.
Those are prescribed?
100%.
By an actual doctor?
I am a doctor.
You're not an eye doctor.
All right, you know what?
Guys, Andre obviously went to an
eye doctor who diagnosed him
with lame eye.
I don't have lame eye.
Well, let's hope not, because
I want your vision 100% clear
this weekend when my team kicks
your team's ass.
How have you gotten by in
this life without glasses or
contacts?
I think it was kind of like a
Daredevil thing.
I just, you know, felt by sonar.
All right, bullshit.
Let's test your eyesight.
Take your glasses off.
Okay, sure.
How many fingers am I holding
up?
I don't know, Jenny.
Wow, I guess he really does
need them.
Oh, God, it's Taco.
You-you can obviously hear
his voice.
Well, he could have lame ear,
too.
Guys, I am falling apart, but
at least I look fashionable
doing it.
(exhaling loudly)
JENNY: All right.
Here you go, guys.
Thank you.
You-you guys excited for the
sleepover?
I am ecstat...
Oh, my gosh, I spilled it.
No, honey, it's okay.
It's fine.
I'll just wash it and I'll send
it home with you tomorrow, okay?
Thank you.
Buddy, are you all good here?
You go play.
Hey, guess who invited
himself over for dinner.
Hey.
Hello. Ooh, Chinese.
Where'd you get it from?
Oh, Mom made it.
Her chow mein is the best thing
she makes.
Jenny doesn't make Chinese food.
What? No, I do.
She does.
Let me show you how I made it
in the kitchen.
Go in the kitchen.
Shh!
Listen, listen.
Listen, Andre, ever since
Ellie was a little girl, we
would order Chinese food, and I
would serve it to her and I
would say, "Look at what Mommy
made," and she would go, "Mmm,
Mommy, this is so good."
She loves it.
And now she's, like, super
proud of me, and I can't break
her heart.
This is a very sad fairy tale
you've dreamed.
Andre, you want to stay for
this dinner, you got to go along
with the long con.
Sounds more like the,
uh, won con.
What?
Or won con soup?
We're not laughing because
this is serious, Andre.
We're also not laughing
because that's a stupid joke.
Oh, I see, uh, ancient
Chinese secret.
You know what, you didn't see
anything.
Now, stop it!
Okay, I got to go the bathroom.
Is there an elaborate story
behind that?
Is there a special toilet genie
that's collecting poop and pee
to bring back to his village?
No, just no wipes.
You don't have to tell me
that twice.
Don't you need your glasses?
Oh, door.
Stop doing that, Andre.
Where am I?
Oh, Jenny, remind me, next week
will you make some of your
famous Big Macs?
Oh, sorry.
Oh, who's that?
Excuse me?
Who is that?
Oh, big head, low hair line.
Kevin!
Yes.
How are you?
Well, not good, considering I
just saw you staring at my scout
team.
Every player that I'm
pinpointing.
Basically, my whole strategy for
the year.
Oh, good thing I didn't have
my glasses, 'cause I-I'm as
blind as a bat.
I mean, I thought that was an
abacus.
And considering your past of
cheating this year, I would
think that you would really,
really be very careful before
you considered a second
infraction.
That's why it's so good that
I didn't wear my glasses, 'cause
I am blind.
Good.
I'm telling you, I didn't see
a...
Great, 'cause we're playing
each other this week.
Remember that, and I would want
everything to be above board.
Absolutely.
Okay, bathroom's that way.
So, what do you want to do?
Want to watch TV?
Okay.
Great.
What's wrong with your TV?
I don't know.
Did you pay the bill?
It's football season.
I paid my bill.
I tell you what, you just keep
watching the TV, and I'll cycle
through all the inputs, okay?
Okay.
Item one.
It's HDMI one.
Item two.
Nope, nope, just turn it off.
How about some music?
Okay.
You're gonna like this.
Okay.
(aggressive rock music playing)
Yeah!
What is this?
This is my jam.
This is, like, murder music.
I spin to this.
That's worse!
You got to watch the
visualizer and listen to it.
I can't listen to this one
second more.
Well, you got to...
That's the worst thing I've
ever heard in my life.
I'm trying to set the mood.
Well, you don't need to set
the mood.
I'm here and I'm already in the
mood.
You know what, it's a good thing
we didn't do this last night.
Why?
I had another stupid seizure.
Last night?
That sucks.
That you're having these
seizures, and I'm not there with
you.
But the good news is it's
never happened to me two days in
a row.
Oh, good.
So we are good to go.
Come on.
All right.
So we had sex, and, you know, it
was pretty great.
It just wasn't...
So normal sex isn't good for
you anymore.
You just wants epi-sex.
Kind of.
Well, once you figure out
what you want, all you have to
do is be honest with her.
Honesty is the best policy.
Right, Andre?
Yeah, that's why they call me
Honest Andre.
By the way, that was a great
pickup with Juwan Thompson.
Oh, yeah, right?
Broncos v. the Rams?
Forget it.
Forget about it.
That guy's gonna destroy.
You know what's surprising
is he's only owned in 19% of
leagues.
I-I actually had him on my scout
team, but I didn't have the
stones to pull the trigger.
But you did, Andre.
How'd you do it?
Anyway, I would say, just be
truthful.
I did the research.
Great.
I'm gonna get a drink.
Anyone want a drink?
Honestly, I-I couldn't.
Okay.
God, that son of a bitch.
I caught him looking at my scout
team without his glasses.
Oh.
Yeah, yeah, I'm pulling a
guilt con on Andre.
Just gonna play up the honesty
theme.
Honesty, okay, let me try it.
Uh, Kevin, "You're a really good
brother," is a phrase that's
been a lie every time I've said
it.
Oh.
Whew, what a load off.
Yeah, this feels good.
You know what else feels
good?
Someone's mouth on my wiener!
Rafi's here.
Yeah.
Look at this guy, right?
Who wants another round?
Guys, I'm buying.
My women's self-defense class is
making me pretty flush right
now.
Oh, God, PYH.
Protect Your Holes, my
self-defense course for women,
has exploded in popularity.
I'm even teaching a self-defense
self-defense class where I teach
the guys how to defend
themselves against the defense
techniques that I've taught the
girls.
Oh, so this new class is,
like, Protect Your Poles?
Ooh, Brian, that is we're
best friends, man.
You're the only person I care
about, and I would straight-up
stab the other three of these
guys and take off with you
right now.
You're running a class that's
highly offensive to women.
Oh, no, in fact, it's highly
defensive.
It's a self-defense class,
Brian.
Duh!
The best part of the whole
thing is I do it in bullet time.
Please tell me you're not
shooting bullets at your class.
I'm talking about bullet time
from The Matrix.
Where the guy, Lord Elrond from
Lord of the Rings is shooting a
gun at the dude from The Lake
House, and the dude from The
Lake House is all, like...
Whoa!
And all the bullets are just,
like, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew!
And they all miss him.
So what I do is I take, like, a
whole bunch of speed, I get all
ramped up, and then I'm moving
in regular time, and everybody
else is moving in slow-motion.
And I'm like, booge, booge,
buh-booge, buh-booge, buh-booge.
Wait a minute.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Easy, Rafi.
That's self-defense.
No, it's not.
You're having sex with them.
I think I'm...
Tall Guy, come at me.
I don't really need to...
Tall Guy, come at me!
Am I supposed to be the man
or the woman?
Doesn't matter.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
No, no, no!
(shouting)
Stop!
You want me to stop?
Yes!
See, first mistake.
That's consent.
Protect your holes, Pete.
And your pole.
He'd be putting up way more
of a fight if he didn't like it.
Get off, Rafi.
(mumbling)
He's fine.
We're just having fun.
No, we're not having fun.
You're taking it too far, Rafi.
(groans)
Are those your mints?
Yes, these are my mints,
Rafi.
Okay, is this your pocket
dog?
No, it's not my pocket dog,
Rafi.
Oh, guess it's mine.
How are your holes?
Unprotected.
I could've been inside you in,
like, a second.
To be fair, I didn't teach you
the final move in self-defense
self-defense.
Self-de-feces.
Excuse me?
It's a protective shit.
When someone's trying to get in,
you start sending something out.
You can't just decide to take
a shit.
It's a three-step process.
One, think about taking a shit.
Two, relax your sphincter.
Three, oh...
(groans)
Oh, no.
What?
Oh, boy.
This isn't my bad, guys.
My God, Rafi!
Get out of here!
No, it's okay. It's okay.
Mrs. MacArthur, I wanted to
tell you about a fun project we
have going on at the school,
where the kids take turns
bringing in their favorite
family recipes for the class to
enjoy and share.
Oh, that is fun.
And next week is Ellie's turn.
Oh!
I want you to make your
world-famous chow mein.
Your chow mein is just
extraordinary.
Oh, wow.
Please make the chow mein.
That is very culturally
adventurous of you.
Yeah, I am pretty darn
adventurous.
Okay, I'm gonna pencil you in
for next week.
Great.
Alison! Hi, sweetheart.
Hi.
Oh, why don't you get your
bag, Ellie.
Can I talk to your mom alone?
Hey, Cheryl.
Hi.
I hope Alison had fun at the
sleepover the other night.
Actually, I think that she
had a little too much fun.
She came home smelling strongly
of, um...
marijuana.
No.
Yes.
Really? Oh, Cheryl.
She's so young to start using.
(laughs)
A-Alison is not using.
Someone in your house is using.
Honey, let's go get some ice
cream, huh?
Does she have the munchies?
(sighs)
Kevin, there's been a lot of
distrust between us, and that's
why I propose that this week, we
set each other's lineup.
I like that idea, Andre.
It's like a fantasy football
trust fall.
I'm glad that you like this.
And I kind of just started
playing around here, and I got
all your guys in there.
Looks great. I'll take it so.
You trust me?
I trust you.
Submit.
Great, well, then submit.
Lineup locked.
Okay, so now, let's do your
lineup.
You know what, I'm actually
getting a bit of glare off your
glasses.
Let me just take these off.
Just put these over here.
Well, I can't...
I can't see without these.
That's not really an issue,
though, Andre, because you trust
me, don't you?
As I trusted you when you set my
lineup.
(grunting)
Okay, who do you want to be your
number one running back
this week?
What about, uh, Eddie Lacy?
Yeah.
You know, going to Philadelphia.
He's gonna have a monster
week. Let's move Eddie Lacy
up to your running back
position.
Boom.
You okay?
Uh, I feel like it looks like
a different name there.
Well, don't strain yourself.
No, I'm not... Just...
Andre, Andre, trust me.
Are you nearsighted or
farsighted?
That's the thing, it goes in
and out, that's the, uh, you
know?
Mm-hmm.
I do have a question.
Okay.
I feel like Eddie Lacy's
such a small name...
Mm-hmm.
...and this is like such a
big name there, right?
That's my eyes, damn these eyes.
Hey.
Look at me the best you can.
I trust you and I want you to
trust me. So...
I trust you.
Submit.
Huh? Let's shake on it, Andre.
All right, come here.
Good job.
Good talk.
Shit.
(sniffing)
What the...?
(sniffs)
Oh, God!
Taco!
What's up?
Why are you in my garage?
I was eating.
No, what are you doing?
Oh, come on...
Don't you know what running the
dryer does to weed?
Oh, it's gonna smell like
clothes now.
Are you using our dryer as a
guest bong?
No, my guest bong's your fire
extinguisher.
This is my guest stash.
I was trying to be considerate
by putting it somewhere you
don't use.
I use my dryer!
I don't believe you.
Your kids are never wearing
clean clothes.
You know what?
I have bigger issues with my
kids.
Do you know I have to cook chow
mein for Ellie's entire class?
Oh, you're finally learning
how to cook?
That's great, that's really
gonna help you find a man.
I have a man.
Mmm...
I need a recipe for chow mein.
Oh, well, I know a really
good Chinese chef.
You do?
He's my Eskimo stepbrother.
Step...?
Yeah, we had sex with the
same girl in an exercise class.
Ah.
Welcome to the kitchen of
Ménage à Cinq.
Everything is set up here for
our chow mein demonstration.
Thank you so much for letting
us do this in your restaurant
before it's even open.
It's a pleasure to have a
master chef in here.
Everyone...
Hey, guys.
This is Lee Wei Lee.
Ah, Master Chef.
We are so excited to have you in
our restaurant.
I'm gonna take off.
There's an organic, three-penis
wine market that just opened up.
I hear they sell wine from the
dicks of grass-fed animals.
That's healthy.
See you guys later.
Ah, Master Chef, I like your
glasses, eh?
Great minds think alike?
Oh, I guess he wants to get us
started. Okay.
Let's go. Okay.
Ooh...
(sniffs)
You know, I've read about this.
What?
Master chefs don't often use
utensils.
They just use their hands and...
I'm so sorry, Master...
Boy!
Oh, yes. Thank you.
Thank you, Master Chef.
I think he likes... me.
How am I... how am I doing,
chef, huh?
(Lee humming)
Do I keep...
(Lee continues humming)
Let him guide your hands.
(sniffing)
Dude, it's okay if he smells
you.
Thank you, chef.
(Lee grunting)
Whoosh...
Yeah... okay, so... now we
are... whoosh.
Ooh.
This doesn't seem sanitary.
Hee!
(laughing)
Okay.
Okay.
You know, chef, I actually
made my own noodles last night.
I was wondering if you would
taste them and see how I did.
Try the noodles?
(sniffs)
Oh...
(Lee humming)
What are you...
(Lee laughing)
Ooh, Lee Wei Lee's making his
head noodles.
Those are good.
Taco, what is this guy's deal?
Is he... frittata?
Uh, yeah.
I mean, look at him.
Why would you not tell me
that?
What? 'Cause I don't
stigmatize people like that.
I don't go around saying that
about Chalupa Batman.
What?
Come on, Lee Wei Lee, let's
get out of here.
(Lee howls)
Yes, get away from these
horrible people.
It's this way... it's...
He can't see through the dough.
Just make holes in the dough.
No wonder he kept on touching
the pot.
And the worst part is, I thought
we were learning something.
You did?
Yeah, very, like...
Hi-yo!
Whoa.
Look at this!
Wow.
What is that?
Well, I heard you were
opening a new kitchen, so I
brought you a toilet.
Okay, get that out of here.
We cannot have that in the
kitchen.
But what happens when the
guys who are preparing the food
need to take a shit?
They go to the bathroom.
Oh, what, so they're gonna
pick up all this stuff they're
working with, bring it to the
bathroom so they can keep
working while they go?
Okay, you know what?
Duly noted.
That guy that just left--
pasta for hair, dough for face?
Yeah.
That's Lee Wei Lee, isn't it?
Yeah.
Yes, it was.
I knew it.
That guy's dating my
ex-girlfriend.
What?
Gail, the human garbage can?
Swimming instructor?
Yeah, and it's making me crazy.
No, see, this guy is...
mentally challenged.
(laughs) I don't like him,
either.
But apparently, he's some bigwig
in the restaurant biz.
He's got a chauffer that drives
him around in this, like, little
yellow bus everywhere.
Meanwhile, you know, I'm riding
a ten-speed that I stole from an
11-year-old.
Ugh. Pittsburgh-Tennessee.
This game is as low-scoring as
your team, Andre.
Ha. Great.
God, Taco.
Because of you, now I have to
learn how to cook this stupid
chow mein all by myself.
Okay, why don't you just
order the Chinese food?
No one will know.
Ellie has to document my
process for her class, so I have
to look like I know what I'm
doing.
Well, even though you guys
are horrible, narrow-minded
people, Lee Wei Lee offered to
help you guys again.
No.
Yeah, apparently he liked the
way you smell, so...
Mmm. No, thank you.
Hey, that's a compliment.
Oh, Andre, this is so terrible.
I'm sorry.
96 to 43?
You didn't pick any of the
players I asked for.
I guess my vision's just a
little bit foggy.
You know what?
Maybe I need glasses, too.
That could be it.
No. You know what?
I'm getting a beer.
Give me your eye doctor's
phone number, Andre.
(Rafi screaming)
Oh, God!
Oh, thank God you're here.
What is going on?
I've got a B.D.E.
What is that?
I've got a broken dick
emergency.
I need to see a doctor.
Where's Andre?
There.
Andre?
Andre, look at this!
Andre, look at this!
Oh, my God!
Look at this!
My God, Rafi, stop!
(Rafi shouting)
Look at this, Andre!
It's leaking!
Oh... oh, God, oh, God, oh,
God.
Don't walk away, Andre!
Oh, my God.
Some things you cannot unsee.
Only if you see them first.
You're not wearing your glasses,
Andre.
Ah ha ha ha!
No?
Ah, the gig is up.
Well, you all fell prey to my
elaborate hoax.
No, we didn't.
No.
What, you didn't fall for it?
No.
You knew the whole time?
Of course.
So the whole honesty thing,
that wasn't real?
So, wait, we don't have to be
honest anymore?
No.
I love you guys.
Ohh... okay.
Feel a little bit better now.
That was disgusting.
What is going on down there?
Yeah, right?
I was teaching my self-defense
class and one of those girls,
she really caught me with a
shiv.
Right at the base, too.
And I was real hard.
You know how much blood's in
your dick when you're real hard?
So all that just came pouring
right out.
Ugh...
But I think I got it settled
down now.
How?
I opened up your mayo, ga
And mayonnaise has healing
properties, the Indians used it.
What happened to that whole
bullet time thing?
Exactly! Right?
I took, like, 45 of these things
and nothing happened.
All I have now is fresh breath
and a broken dick.
Hang on, hang on.
What?
I need more mints.
Pete, you're like 30 deep in
those. Your breath is fine.
But these mints are so
god damn good.
Okay, carpe diem! Seize the day!
Come here!
(laughing)
Okay!
Whoa.
I'm feeling a little hot.
Yes, baby, you are hot.
I'm in the clouds.
Yeah, you're in the clouds.
Yeah?
(gibbering)
Oh, God!
Oh, whatever you're doing, don't
stop it.
Oh, my God, don't stop.
Oh, my God, don't ever stop!
You're like Superman.
Oh!
Oh...
(laughing)
Oh, my God, what was that?
I did not think you could make
me feel that good.
Pete? Pete?
Pete?
What?
Pete, are you okay?
Did I miss the seizure?
Oh...
Filthy.
Godspeed, Jenny.
Godspeed those children's
digestive systems.
Oh... where is it?
Where is it?
Wait, did you sleep here last
night, Taco?
I can't find it.
Taco, what are you looking for?
I don't understand, it was
right there. Where is it?
What are you looking for?
No, no, no, no, no!
Why would you do that?
My weed!
Your wife stole it.
You sure it's not already in
here?
Some of it, but not the most
of it.
Well, where did you leave it
last, Taco?
I hid it in the Chinese
spices and now it's gone.
Kids, this is chow mein,
courtesy of Mrs. MacArthur.
Looks different, Mom.
Shh.
Okay, enjoy.
Again, Sheryl, I am mortified
about the whole clothes in the
dryer thing... I'm so sorry.
Don't even... don't worry
about it.
I have a mentally unstable
homeless brother-in-law, too.
Oh. I feel like every family
has one.
(Sheryl laughs)
I hope I can pull off this whole
chow mein deal.
It's not up to my regular
standards.
Oh, I don't know.
I think people are really
enjoying it.
Oh, my God.
This is the best chow mein of my
life.
What is your secret?
Is that cumin?
Uh...
It's amazing, right?
It's amazing, it is amazing!
Is this my body?
Am I weak?
It's amazing.
Everything is cursive.
Everything is cursive...
I feel like I fell off the
world.
I'm so hungry.
(laughing)
I'm falling.
I hate geometry!
Ah!
(laughing)
Oh, my...
There's marijuana in here.
No, that's impossible.
Is this what I think it is?
Oh, my God.
(children laughing)
Kids, stop eating.
Stop eating immediately.
She is never coming over to your
house.
Ah...!
(laughing)
I'm gonna get fired.
I'm gonna get fired!
(laughing): I never liked you.
(giggling)
Hey, Gail.
Rafi.
What are you doing here?
I realize now that even
though you're a piece of
garbage, I shouldn't have thrown
you away.
You know what, Rafi?
You're too little, too late,
okay?
I'm with Lee Wei Lee now.
Oh, come on!
What's he got that I don't have?
This is a man of style, of
sophistication...
There are times when we just
look into each other's eyes for
hours... and just get lost.
He doesn't have to say anything.
It's poetry in his eyes.
There's a real, like,
powerful innocence there.
It's like he sees right... right
into my heart.
He has empathy.
Huh?
When a fire truck goes by, he
starts shrieking...
(Lee shrieking)
...and imitating it.
It's very, very loud.
You know? Because he feels for
the people they're going to
save.
I get it, Gail.
He's-he's the total package.
Look, I'm not opposed to a
three-way situation, here, but
I'm not leaving this for this.
This guy clearly has
everything, but does he love you
as much as I do?
Does he spend every waking
minute of his life stalking you?
Does he wake up in the morning
in your closet, sneak out, make
you breakfast and then hide in
another closet so that he can
watch you eat that breakfast?
That was you?
Of course that was me.
Didn't you know?
I... no.
No!
Whoa!
Okay, guys, seriously, don't
fight over me.
This ends now!
Okay!
♪ ♪
(grunting)
What? Whoa, what?
There is so much slapping.
No!
Ah!
(Lee laughs)
(Rafi laughs)
(grunting)
Oh!
Oh!
They're killing each other!
For me!
(grunting)
Go to sleep.
(Lee grunts)
Does it... what?
(sniffing)
What... what did you do?
Self-defeces?
Oh, no, self-defeces?
Yeah.
Oh, my God, he used my own
move against me.