The League (2009–2015): Season 5, Episode 9 - The Automatic Faucet - full transcript

KEVIN: Clean release.

WHere's the water?

(sighs)
Oh, come on.

Where is it?
Where's the thing?

(groans) You're kidding me.

Oh... oh, shoot.
Do it!

Come on, you son of a...
Is it this?

Is this it?
Is it both at the same...

(groans loudly)

Ho... Come on.
Balls!

I-I don't understand what it
is.



I put my hands there.
I'm waving them underneath the

automatic faucet-- nothing's
happening.

And then I'm stuck there with
soap all over my hands.

ANDRE: You're just not
turning it on right.

You just have to kind of go in
slow.

Andre, I'm waving my fingers
around to try to find any...

RUXIN: Well, there is a
specific spot-- if you hit it,

then you're good to go.
I don't want to look for a

spot or a mechanism.
I miss the old days with the

knobs.
TACO: You can't go in with

both hands.
One and then add the second one

if it all goes well.
I need to get both hands wet

simultaneously.
Maybe get a...

(spitting sounds)
Spit on it a little bit...



Why would I spit on my own
hand when the water's supposed

to come out?
PETE: You know, you got to

get things going a little bit
sometimes.

You can't go in dry like
that-- you're gonna hurt your

hands.
Let alone the sink.

Sink's probably not so happy
about the whole thing.

Jenny, care to comment?
JENNY: I think it would be,

maybe, nice for the sink for you
to ask the sink what the sink

wants.
What do I give a shit about

the sink?
Yeah, that's my boy.

Congrats, Jenny.
Well, I don't have that

problem, boys.
'Cause I don't wash my hands in

bathrooms.
'Cause the only thing I'm

touching is me.
And you're a filth monster.

What's up?
Oh, my God, Andre.

What? I just came to talk to
my gander about a little trade

action.
Did you come to talk to me

about a trade or did you come
to, like, talk to me?

Kind of want to do both,
'cause you're my she-bro, I'm

your she-guy.
No. I will talk to you about

a trade though.
Okay.

Ray Rice for A.J. Green.
But I need to know soon.

I want him this week.
I'm putting a clock on you.

You'll have my answer soon.
Perhaps over dinner?

We are not dating, Andre.
Coffee.

No.
Think about it.

I like a macchiato.
Oh, no, no. No, no, no!

DeMarco Murray's out for the
rest of the game?

I needed him!
I'm gonna lose now!

(chuckles) To Chuck, no less.
Damn it, man, come on!

Three running backs, four
fumbles, two points?

It's you guys-- it's your fault.
I drafted you with high hopes

and now none of you are living
up to your potential.

Well, that's irony at its
finest.

I draft Montee Ball.
Montee Ball's supposed to tear

it up in Denver.
He shits the bed.

So I pick up Knowshon Moreno--
something I said I would never

do again-- and then he screws
me.

I haven't won in five seasons.
I've lost with better teams than

this group of shitbags.
I can't rosterbate to you guys.

I can't get a half-chub.
I can't even get a semi-chub!

I'm walking away!
I'm done with fantasy football!

But this is all he has.
You live here.

(sighs) I live here.
Not anymore.

When you left just now, I moved
in.

But you can totally crash here
if you want.

Dr. Nowzick, are you sure
that surgery's the only option?

You've done the toe exercises.

They haven't worked.
You just got to face it.

You are... toe-bese.
Okay.

I'm gonna take your Vienna
sausages, and I'm gonna turn 'em

into Slim Jims.
The tits I did for my

husband; the toes I'm doing for
me.

That's it. I want Giselle toes.
(clicks tongue) Okay, Carla,

mark that down.
Giselle toes.

Great.
Every day is gonna be a

sandal day from here on out.
Hey, I just wanted to let you

know that I've completed my
will, and I left some money for

you.
Oh, of course.

So I could move in here and take
care of the kids and (groans) I

guess sleep with Jenny.
I don't have to give her

orgasms, do I?
I don't have time for that.

No, no, I don't want you to
do any of that stuff.

Well, I sort of have to now.
It's in your will.

It is not in my will.
You can't just change your

will-- you have to have a lawyer
present.

Do you know what I do?
I'm a lawyer.

Thank you.
That's-that's cute.

I also want to inform you that
I've written a will as well, and

I've left you a significant
amount of money.

Really?
Yep. $1 million.

Do you have a million dollars
to give away, Taco?

Well, that depends on how
much you leave me.

No, dingbat, you're not
understanding how this thing

works.
You cannot give what you do not

have.
"Where there's a will,

there's a way."
That's a legal term.

You should know that.
That... (groans)

Hey, I need your help.
I'm being sued for malpractice.

Did you leave a fedora in a
woman during surgery?

No, that never happened.
It was a Livestrong bracelet.

Now, look, it was a normal
toe-besity case.

I did nothing wrong.
But now I have to be brought up

in front of the hospital review
board.

Are you hiring me as your
lawyer?

Will you help me if I don't?
Absolutely not.

Okay, then, fine.
You're hired.

Okay. Now, tell Daddy exactly
what happened.

It was a total routine
operation.

I looked great in my
European-cut scrubs.

I mean, they're so form-fitting.
Doctor.

>> And my banter was off the
charts.

And I know she's under
anesthetic 'cause she's not

talking.
(chuckles)

I was on a ten-plus day.
Then I get a text from Jenny.

She was gonna pull the trade if
I didn't make it right then and

there.
So she put you on the clock.

Exactly.
I'll be right back.

What...
(sighs)

Ahem.
Okay, well, this is great.

I hope everything is going
excellently, um...

(computer chimes)
Doctor, what are you doing?

Uh, nothing. Never you mind.
Doctor, we have a surgery...

Doctor stuff, okay? No, no.
Do...

And you made the trade during
surgery?

Now she's suing me because
she said that her toes are

fatter.
All I know is that at the end of

that operation, her toes were
skinny and I had Ray Rice.

Case closed.
Look, Andre, Shark Ruxin is

on the case.
Don't worry your shiny little

vest about it.
You like it?

Lawyer-client
confidentiality?

Yes.
I despise it.

(indistinct chatter)
I don't care. Thank you.

Pete-Pete.
Hey, Jeremy.

Got a big week seven coming
up-- I'm thinking about starting

Torrey Smith...
You know, I normally give you

fantasy advice, but, uh, I'm a
little busy right now.

Sorry.
Totally respect that.

T.Y. Hilton...
Okay, this is a workplace.

This requires productivity, and
I don't have time to spend on

fantasy football.
Got it. Yep.

Good.
Don't turn around.

I'm just gonna say a name.
You just say "yes" or "no."

Yes.
Well, I have to say a name...

Yes.
But, Pete, that's a...

Yes.
(clears throat)

Hey, Mr. Haddock.
Hey, Pete, can I, uh, see you

in my office, please?
Yeah, of course.

(sighs)
Who am I looking at? Hmm?

I don't recognize this Pete.
But I like him.

You do?
Yeah, you've changed.

Well, I got to say, Bill, I'm
really enjoying myself.

And, uh, you know, I was even
thinking I could come in Sunday

if you wanted some extra work.
I'm not doing anything.

Well, I-I don't need your
help this Sunday, but I-I could

use your help right now.
Sure.

So, there is a project coming
up, but I've been having trouble

lining up the right people.
You're trying to make a

lineup.
Yeah, I guess so.

Let me take a crack at that.
I have some experience with

this.
Oh, yeah, yeah, great.

This is my good pen.
I just need that back. Okay.

Let's see...
Melanie calls in sick at least

twice a month, so you definitely
don't want her on anything

crucial.
I'd definitely keep her on the

bench.
Um, Helen's normally a great

choice.
Problem is, she's got a custody

battle this week, so I'd say
she's questionable at best.

There's Denise.
Obviously we're starting Denise

no matter what.
Jeremy.

Jeremy had a great performance
three weeks ago, but that's all

he talks about, you know?
It's like, what have you done

for me lately?
Yeah.

Three weeks ago, I was
killing it.

I was like, "Uh, give me my own
parking space already, all

right?"
No. What about Bob?

Bob's great with the legwork.
The problem is he has trouble

closing.
Now, Henry? That guy can close.

He is a deal vulture.
Start Henry, sit Bob.

Yeah. Well, this is a great
lineup-- we should go with this.

Yeah.
Although, you know, now that

I'm looking at it, what if we
just move a few...

Don't tinker.
Okay.

Okay.
You're right.

Oh, hey-o! There she is.
(chuckles) I've heard of "pretty

in pink" but "beautiful in
purple"?

Come on.
What are you doing?

Who is that?
That's the regional manager.

She's the one we're playing for,
man.

Shamara McCreedy
Sommers-Jefferson?

Oh. Oh, I get it, yeah.

Yeah.

Hello?
Hello?

(both scream)
G-God, Rafi, I thought you were

in California!
I just got back!

I came here to hang out with you
and you scare me like this?

No, you don't come to my
house at night uninvited.

Of course I do!
I do that all the time!

You do not do that all the
time.

I sit right here and I have
my dark thoughts.

I don't want to hear that,
Rafi.

And where is my car?!
Bad news on that.

What?
I burned your car to the

ground.
Why'd you do that?!

If somebody said to you to
"take care of something," that

means "light it on fire," right?
No.

Well, then that's my bad on
that one.

Great. Why are you here?
You and I have business

together.
We don't have business

together.
We have never had business

together.
Ran into Taco when I got back

to town.
He needed some money, so I

floated him some cash.
He said he'd pay me back when

you pay him.
I'm giving him money? When...

Yeah. When you die.
This is the contract he and I

drew up.
This is you, Brian, with X's

over your eyes.
That means you're dead, like

from the cartoons.
Equals money, okay?

And that money was going to
Taco; now it's coming to me.

This is not a legal document.
Oh, it's 100% legal.

It's on legal paper, "A."
And, "B," Taco notarized it.

Nailed it.
Okay, um, fine.

I would be willing to buy Taco's
debt out.

Come on. You can't game the
system like that, okay?

In order for me to make this
money, you have to die.

(sighs) This was supposed to
be an investment for Taco.

But now it's an investment
for me, see?

I'm investing in your death.
Like I invest in stocks.

You invest in stocks?
Oh, yeah, I've got tons of

Apple stock.
You own Apple stock?

Yeah. I also bought beef
stock, I bought chicken stock.

And when the apocalypse happens,
guess who they're gonna have to

come to for those sweet, sweet
little cubes.

Rafi.
I'm gonna be a bullionaire.

Okay, good night. Good night.
Hey, man, can you turn out

the light when you leave?
I'm just gonna call a sex line

quick.
Hello.

Whoa!
Well, well, well, look at

you.
Did you give a hand job to the

Men's Wearhouse guy?
No, gentlemen, I'm wearing a

suit because I got myself a
promotion.

Not from cheating off of someone
else, not from sleeping with the

boss's wife.
I got it based on my own work.

It's hard to believe.
Seems suspect.

Well, why is it suspect?
I've got all this free time on

my hands now that I'm not doing
fantasy.

I've gone from parking below
four to having my own parking

spot.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Are you telling us you are
really done with fantasy

football?
Why would I go back?

Hello? What job is ever gonna
be as satisfying as winning the

Shiva?
I mean, look at Andre right

now-- he's about to lose his
just trying to win.

I'm screwed.
The review board's this week.

I'd dead in the water.
All right!

What are we talking about?
Rafi, what are you doing

here?
I've had such an annoying

day.
What floor is Brian on?

Why would Kevin be in this
building?

Isn't this the lawyer building?

Look, we have bigger fish to
fry, okay?

Well, just tell me.
Who is on this review board?

The head of the hospital.
And Shiva.

I'm gonna look like an idiot in
front of her.

You want me to take care of
this?

I can take care of this Shiva
no problem.

Boom, she's gone-zo.
No, R... We don't need you to

kidnap Shiva.
I'm not in seventh grade.

I don't kidnap people anymore.
So what does "take care of

it" mean?
Douse her in kerosene and

light her on fire.
Don't light anyone on fire.

Why doesn't anybody get this?
We don't need you to kidnap

her, we don't need you to light
her on fire.

Nothing, okay?
All right, all right.

I get it, guys.
Don't worry, "nothing's" gonna

happen to her.
Wink.

That's not a wink.
Yeah, it is. Wink.

No, that's blinking.
Two eyes is blinking.

Except I'm doing two one-eye
blinks at once.

Wink.
So you got one and you got one.

No, that's a blink.
Yeah, it's a blink.

No, wink.
Blink.

Blink.
Wink.

Wink.
Then don't take care of it.

Blink.
So I should take care of it?

Wink.
Hey, listen, just 'cause we've

said a lot of crazy stuff here,
all of this is protected under

that lawyer-client
confidentiality thing?

I'm not your lawyer, Rafi.
Doctor-patient

confidentiality?
I'm not your doctor.

Well, quick, give me a rectal
and let's figure this out.

I don't do that.
Okay, fine!

So now I'm at risk?
Got to destroy the evidence.

Whoa, whoa!
(groans) Hey, I'm taking this

eagle.
(caws)

He went to medical school for
this?

Oh! Oh!
(horn honks)

Oh, my God!
Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Rafi.
Brian?

(laughs) What are the chances?
You just tried to kill me,

Rafi!
You almost just died.

I know! You did it!
Oh, my God, you got to be

careful.
All right, listen to me.

I will pay you double the money
that you lent Taco.

Deal.
But I want it all in change.

'Cause the government can't
trace it, and it passes through

the human colon intact.
I've got ten dollars of quarters

in my belly right now.
It's my mad money.

Fine, fine, okay.
This is over though?

(chuckles) If you say so.
All right, I'll talk to you

later, Brian.
What do we got here, huh?

What is this, cinnamon?
Dick.

I'm coming for you, hat!
Crazy.

Pete the Treat.
What's up, Bill?

We won again.
Yes, we did.

That was a killer team.
I feel like Shamara-blasting.

(loudly): Shamara McCreedy
Sommers-Jefferson!

All right, j-j... she's-she's
our boss.

Exactly.
Yeah, yeah.

What do you say we celebrate
with some of the good stuff?

(chuckles)
Chardonnay?

That's right.
They don't call me the King of

Chardonnay for nothing, my
friend.

Doesn't get any better than this
C to the nay-nay.

"C to the nay-nay"?
Who charded? I charded.

Oh, I get it.
Anyway, hey, what do you say

we call Steve, the manager of
the losing team, for a little

trash talk?
Yes, now you're talking.

(chuckles)
Hello?

Hey, Steve, it's, uh... it's
Bill and Pete, you know...

What's up, Steve?
...the winners.

That's right.
Hey, we wanted your address.

We're gonna send you a care
package.

Care package?
Care package for that

shriveled-up little donger of
yours 'cause you're gonna be

pulling on that pud within an
inch of its life tonight.

Wt?
Steve, we'll call you back,

buddy.
Okay, so... What are you doing?

"Donger"?
It means "penis."

You can't say that.
You could say "penis" if it's in

a medical context.
I'm trash-talking here.

What am I supposed to say?
Fun trash talk, you know?

Like, "Hey, Steve, you know,
sorry you lost.

Maybe you'll win next time, you
nut."

That... is terrible.
You'll figure it out, all

right?
(phone chimes)

Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Did you trade Jeremy to the

Peoria office?
Yes, finally got rid of that

guy.
We don't need him on our roster

anymore.
His best days are behind him.

We sold high.

What are you doing?
He just bought a house here.

I don't think...I guess I don't think
about what happens after they get cut.

We'll-we'll talk about this
later.

Jeremy? Jeremy!
Hey, kiddo.

"C to the nay-nay"?

Welcome to the review board,
gentlemen.

Dr. Browner.
The other doctors here on the

medical review board, thank you
for your time.

You know, my client, Dr. Andre
Nowzick, stands before you

today...
What are you doing?

Standing.
Sit.

Okay.
My client, Dr. Nowzick,

stands before you here today...
Sit down.

You just said, "Stand."
Yeah, metaphorically.

Just sit.
My client, Dr. Andre Nowzick,

sits quietly here before you
today...

Gentlemen, as chief
administrator to the University

Medical Center, I'm determined
to find out what happened during

the elective surgery that you
performed on Mrs. Shapiro.

A nurse claims that Dr. Nowzick
took his personal computer into

the operating room.
Oh, my God, Andre.

I know what this is.
No, I know what this is.

Dr. Somakanakram, did you at any
point date my client?

Yes.
Did my client, at any point,

send you pictures of himself
dressed as Sexy Gollum holding

on to his little precious?
A sadder "yes."

Did he, at any point, write
erotic fan fiction about Avatar

mixed with Fifty Shades of Grey
and titled it Fifty Shades of

Blue?
Okay, I object.

I am not on trial here.
Yes, you are.

You are, actually.
Okay, well, my writing is not

on trial here.
Perhaps it should be.

Hello, my friend.
Oh.

(laughing): What's up?
Rafi, why are you dressed

like a janitor?
Ah, don't worry about it.

Is that the stuff?
Yeah. Here.

Ooh, yeah, come to Daddy.
Got it?

Ooh. (laughs)
Great. Are we done?

Deal.
Great.

Oh, my God. What...?
Oh, sorry about that.

Oh, my...
Yeah, no...

Oh, my God!
I was just in the morgue.

What?!
You know when people die,

they void everything.
Wait, wait, what is this?

Oh, it's everything.
Oh, God, I got to get this

off my hands!
Yeah. Good luck, buddy.

I got to find a bathroom.
Here's my question to you,

the board.
What would drive a woman like

this to date a man who dresses
like an Armenian immigrant who's

fallen into some money because
someone was killed at the cell

phone store where his brother
works?

How can you trust the judgment
of a woman like this, who could

be so impaired as to allow a man
like this to put his bizarre

little dingus inside of her?
Sit down!

We are not going to go anywhere
until we find out what

transpired.
That's exactly what she said

every time they had sex.
But that's not why we're here.

My client stands before you
today a...

Sit down, Andre!
He... That is confusing!

He told you to sit, you sat.
You tell me to stand, I have to

sit?
Sit down.

Okay, fine.
Down.

It's really not hard to
understand at all.

Oh, excuse me, it's janitor
time.

I make clean now?
That's-that's fine.

Uh...
Okay, thank you.

Oh, thank you so much.
(whispering): Guys, it's me.

Rafi.
We know.

Of course.
I'm here to save the day.

What is that?
No!

What...
This bitch here...

(blows raspberry)
No. No.

No, Rafi, you don't need to.
I do this trash near pretty

lady doctor now.
No, that's fine.

He can clean where he wants
to, okay, guys?

Yes, oh, thank you, pretty
doctor lady.

You do not want him cleaning
anything.

I clean table. I clean mouth.
You breathe deep.

No, no!
No, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no.
Oh, my God, Andre!

You breathe deep.
What are you doing?

No, no, no! I must flee!
Enough!

You had my vote, now you don't.

Mrs. Shapiro's going to be
here momentarily to show us the

damage to her foot, and then
this session will be over.

Well, what do we do now?
We'll just sit down.

Oh, really?
Just sit, or should we stand?

Yes, sit down, Andre!
You admit it's confusing,

then.
Oh, God.

Oh, come on!
Not again!

(sighs)
Please, just give me some...

(sighs loudly)
All right, baby, I'm gonna turn

you on now, okay?
Yeah.

Yeah, where's your spot, huh?
They say you got a spot.

Where is it?
Come on, give it to me, come on,

come on.
La, la, la, la.

Where is it?
(warbling)

Let it out. Let it out.
(warbling)

My name is Rodney Ruxin.
God, it's disgusting! Ugh!

Hey, Brian! Brian!
Brian!

Hey!
No, no, no, no, no, Rafi.

I paid you your money.
This is over.

I don't want to hear about it.
Taco gave me the money that

he owed me.
Plus interest, I might add.

Yeah.
So I can give you this back

now.
What? How did you get this

kind of money?
He said he stole a bunch of

crap from some douche named
Kevin's house and sold it on the

street.
Yeah.

Oh, God, you know what?
You're out of the will, Taco.

You're done.
Hey, buddy.

What?
Don't leave me hanging.

Oh. Yeah.
When we get in front of the

review board, I want them to
understand that I have stretch

marks on my toes.
It's like I'm walking around on

ten used condoms.
You know what, just give me

back the money, please.
Here you go.

No, d-don't throw it, Rafi.
Don't... Oh, God!

(yelling)
My toes!

Soap on my hands!
(laughter)

Oh.
Oh, my gosh.

Ow, my toe...
Okay, going away.

(screaming continues)
That's a dead end!

That's a dead end!

Oh, dear.
The-the hospital has bigger foot

issues to deal with right now.
Come on.

This case is closed.
What happened?

I came through again.
You two are the luckiest

assholes in the whole world.
(Ruxin gasps)

(high-pitched): Shiva
Komedi...

Somakanakram!
Yeah.

I'm so sorry about that.
I'm not.

Ow, my toes!
All right.

My toes, my toes.
Just breathe.

(Taco and Rafi sighing)
Will I ever wear sandals

again?
Ooh. Aah.

Ow! They will pay for these
toes! I want new toes!

Hospital totally dropped the
charges against me.

Now Mrs. Shapiro is suing the
hospital.

I'm out, scot-free.
I'm happy that you're

exonerated.
I'm so happy, I don't even

care that Pete beat me this
week.

Yeah, poor son of a bitch is
at work, he doesn't even know...

That he's won?!
Oh, yes, he is well aware.

I've got the week-long fantasy
juggernaut just waiting to

explode.
(makes explosion sound)

Oh, and in your face.
(grunting)

Some for you, Kevin.
But don't worry, gents.

There's plenty of Pete's fizzy
jizzy to go around.

That's right, boys. I'm back.
Is there enough fizzy jizz to

go around?