The League (2009–2015): Season 5, Episode 10 - The Near Death Flex-perience - full transcript

The answer's here.
It's here. Come on!

What are you doing?

I have a lineup problem.

I-I got everything
but the flex.

It's between Lamar
Miller or Greg Jennings.

There are rankings
Web sites for this.

The rankings Web sites list
them as equal, but they're not.

I just have to figure out
the right calculations.

And which calculation
is you writing "Miller" and

"Jennings" over and over again?

Please.



Really a beautiful mind at work.

Yeah, Russell Browe.

So funny to watch you
obsess over trivial pursuits,

where I have given myself
to the greater good.

You know, today I'm working
with the Caring Comrades.

That's great.

You do a lot of calf implants, give
that money to someone who needs it.

No, no, no, I'm not
giving money, Pete.

I'm giving my friendship.

What?

I'm working with Donald.

He, uh, has ALS.

Lou Gehrig's disease.

Today, today, today... I
feel like the most, most,



most... unlucky
man in the world.

I think the key with donations,
Andre, is it has to

be something they actually want.

You can't donate a
punch in the face.

He loves this.

He's confined to a hospital bed,
but he gets to experience Dre

Town through me.

So, by comparison, he realizes
that his life in the

hospital isn't actually so bad.

I'm offering you an opportunity
to be charitable today.

Pete, are you with me?

I'm good.

Oh, Andre, ask me, ask me.

Okay, Ruxin, would
you come with me?

No!

All right, I'll go with you.

Thank you.

It'll give me a break from this
lineup conundrum, and it'll

look good at work.

Ooh, text from Rachel.

You're still dating that girl?

What is your problem with this girl?
You guys are j... How old is she?

She is 23 years old.

That means that her first Star
Wars film was The Phantom

Menace.

Her R2-D2 is Jar Jar Binks--
I'm good with that.

Oh, Mr.

Pete, the old, old man have
a small penis a-like you?

What's that?

I don't know.

Good afternoon, gentlemen.

Aw, Jesus, Taco, what did you
do to Uncle Frank's van?

I hit the jackpot is what I did.

Guys, when my puppies died, I
was feeling pretty depressed.

Sweeping up dog hair, I was
thinking to myself, "What am I

doing with my life?"

And then it hit me.

I could be sweeping up human
pubic hair that I cut.

No.

That's right, friends.

I'm gonna be a barber
for down there.

Taco, that's insane.

Insane that no one's thought of it?
I know.

It's the perfect business.

I get to recycle the grooming
equipment from my puppy

business, I get to make my own

hours and I'm super
comfortable around genitals.

Oh, you're gonna make your
nut on people's nuts.

Exactly.

Donald, look, I
brought a friend.

This is Kevin, and
this is Donald.

And I am his Caring Comrade.

You mean,
"I'm your Caring Comrade."

Why would you be
my Caring Comrade?

Because you have cancer.

I don't have cancer--
I-I'm just bald.

I told you that.

Then why are you so pale
and sickly looking?

Enough.

Did you notice, though, that his computer
voice sounds a lot like Ruxin's?

My voice is too cold and
emotionless to be a human voice.

Yeah, that's pretty much Ruxin.

Yeah.

So, Donald, would you like to go
out to lunch with the two of us?

If it's not
for charity, I wouldn't have

lunch with you if it was
the only cure for ALS.

That's a good one, buddy.

Fives.

Come on.

This is amazing.

Yeah.

Yeah, give you fifteens
for that one, yeah.

God, Andre, you made it weird.

You made it strange.

He always does.

Why do I always
have goddamn flex problems?

The safe play is Lamar Miller.

But there's something sexy about
that Greg Jennings at home on

Sunday night against
his old team.

Feel like everyone's gonna make
fun of me if I play a wide

receiver instead
of a running back.

Oh, sh...

Oh!

Where am I?

Who's there?

I'm Greg Jennings.

And I'm your flex.

Greg Jennings, are you
sure you're my flex?

Let's take a look at some of the
bad decisions you've made in

fantasy seasons past.

Good luck finding them, Greg.

Andre will never know.

Cheating in fantasy football.

I know. It didn't even help.

It made no difference
whatsoever.

I'm here to help you make better
decisions, starting with me.

If you take my advice, this is how
your fantasy season could turn out.

Oh, wow, Shiva.

Let's clean you up,
you dirty girl.

Showering with Shiva.

I want that, Greg Jennings.

That's my fantasy fantasy.

And it all starts
with one decision.

What?

I'm your flex.

You're so wise, Greg Jennings.

What is the meaning of life?

It's about spending time with your fam...
Am I doing the right thing

with my hair?

I mean, it's not quite
straight, it's not curly.

It's sort of a wavy... Kevin,
I have to leave you now.

No.

Yes.

Oh.

Remember, Kevin, no fantasy team is
a failure if you have a great flex.

Greg Jennings is my flex.

Say it.

Greg Jennings is my flex.

Say it again.

Greg Jennings is my flex.

Yes.

Greg Jennings is my flex.

Greg Jennings is my flex.

Greg Jennings is my...

Shit! Holy shit!

Oh, my God. Oh.

Oh.

That was amazing.

I have clarity.

Hi.

Greg... I had a lovely
day, thank you for asking.

How was yours?

It was great.

I almost got into a
near-fatal car accident.

What?

I saw this truck
coming right at me.

I saw the light coming at me.

Kevin... I would have
been decapitated.

Oh, my God, are you okay?

I saw, with clarity, exactly
who to play in my flex.

Greg Jennings. He spoke to me.

It was awesome, babe.

Yes.

You just had a near-death
experience, saw your whole life

flash before your eyes...
and you saw your lineup?

Yes.

You didn't see your
wife or your kids?

You saw Greg Jennings.

No, I... Mmm.

Y... I saw you.

I think I saw someone
that looked like you.

I was shouting. I was like, "Hey,
Jenny, Greg Jennings and I

are going on a bike ride!

It's a two-seater."

And I saw the-the other ones.

Being your children?

Yes. Ellie and Chalupa.

Christopher.

CB.

Christopher.

Glad you're okay, Kevin.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Terrific end to a
Terrific Lady Day.

Mmm.

Right?

So is there something that
you would like me to do?

Mmm, this is really nice,
but I'll think about it.

Mm-hmm.

What are you doing?

I was just trying to give you a
hint that I figured out what I

wanted and it was a
little B-jibbers.

"B-jibbers"?

Yeah, a little BJ Raji, a little...
What are you talking about?

What?

David Blowie?

No, no.

No, I don't want to do that.

Why not, babe?

Your bush is brambly.

And I go down there,
I can't breathe.

And it pokes my eye.

Just trim that thing.

It's thick.

I'm not gonna trim
my pubic hair.

I do it for you.

And I'm so grateful that you do,
whether it's the breadstick

or the pizza slice.

But I'm working with a calzone--
it's natural, it's manly.

You need to trim it.

Okay, I'll trim it, I promise.

But tonight, you've had
a Terrific Lady Day.

Can I just get a
Terrific Man Minute?

Fine.

I'll just give myself a
Terrific Man 30 Seconds.

Well, bring your weed whacker.

I'm not afraid of doing
my own yard work.

Rachel, that was the best
handcuff party I've ever been to.

That was the only handcuff
party you've ever been to.

All right, that might be...
Look, I found a bed.

Oh, my gosh, what happened?

Now, you have done
so much for me.

What can I do for you?

Oh, I don't know.

Why are you tapping my head?

Oh, okay, I get it.

I get it, sure.

I know this move.

Mmm.

Put the old tie back.

Ah.

Okay.

Wow, these are really... tiny.

Um, are those frosted tips?

Do you like 'em?

Have you been to a place
called Pubercuts?

Maybe I have and
maybe I haven't.

Wait, that's a "T."

That's-that's the "Taco
by Taco" promotion.

Oh, you know Taco?

You should try it.

Uh, uh, no, no, thank you, okay?

I've used Taco's homemade
deodorant-- I'm not letting him

put scissors down there.

Pubic barbershops are, like,
totally in right now.

Yeah, they're in a van.

It's mobile.

They come to you.

You don't get this, do you?

No, I think you don't get it.

Oh.

I'm just... I'm gonna go.

You can keep my tiny underwear.

I'll see you later.

Taco.

Bam! Touchdown, Greg
Jennings, from the flex.

Deal with that.

Wow. You should have a near-death
flexperience more often.

I would love to, but Jenny
won't be happy about it.

She didn't even like the
way this one turned out.

Oh, I wonder why.

Maybe it's because, when you
were dying, you didn't think

about your wife and kids.

This is my last moment.

Can't it be about me
and my true fantasies?

Why does your
lineup even matter?

You're gonna be dead.

I'll always play
fantasy football.

I'll set my lineup
from the grave.

Well, good luck in the
afterlife, Ghost Commissioner,

but in this life you
have a very upset wife.

I'll make it up to her.

I'll-I'll take her to
dinner or something.

I'll take her to that place,
Lemon, that you guys went to.

Good luck getting a reservation.

Sofia's sorority sister's the
hostess-- that's the only reason

we got a table.

But if you do go there, you
got to try the escargot.

Taco... Mm-hmm?

Are you trimming Rachel's pubes?

Sorry, Pete, barber-patient
confidentiality.

There is no such thing as
"barber-patient confidentiality."

Oh, there isn't?

Well, then, yes, Rachel has a standing
appointment with me... Oh...

...every Tuesday for a simple
trim and some highlights.

Unless she's on her period.

Then... All right,
you know what?

Enough. Let's just pretend there
is barber-patient confidentiality.

What are you so upset about?

You guys are Eskimo brothers to
begin with-- you both had sex

with Heather.

Very different.

There was sufficient time
between me and Taco.

It's like Chernobyl.

I waited three weeks before I
got into the exclusion zone.

What is the half-life for semen?

I don't understand
what's the big deal.

It's not like I notarized
her vagina or anything.

I mean, professionally, what do
you do with men, though, in

that kind of situation?

Why-why do you ask?

Sofia doesn't like playing
through the rough; she just

wants to be on the green.

Why don't you give Pubercuts a
ring and we'll pencil you in

and I'll take that Questlove
down to a Kevin Hart in 20

minutes.

How 'bout it?

Oh, Ruspin, welcome
to Pubercuts.

Huh? What can I do you for?

Um, honestly, I just was
hoping to get some clippers,

maybe a little advice, and then
we could both be on our way.

Look, Ruxin, this
isn't a Walgreens.

Yeah.

I'm an artist.

How do you know my name is
Ruxin certain times and other

times it's "Ruspin"?

Your name is Ruspin Ruxin.

You think my first
name is Ruspin?

Yeah, but everyone calls you
Ruxin because you don't really

like your first name.

Yeah, that's right, Taco.

Yeah. Look, Ruspin...
Sorry, Ruxin.

Thank you.

You want Sofia's luscious lips
to "B" that "D" ever again?

Let me clean you up and give
her a clear path to it.

I can't believe
I'm doing this.

Okay, now, anything on the
menu catching your eye?

What's the Fu Man Pube?

Fu Man Pube is two thin strips
of hair going around your

"D" all the way
down to your "A."

Just a simple trim, okay, Taco?

All right, let's get you ready
for your first Pubercut.

All right, you comfortable?

No, I feel like I'm about to give
birth to the worst decision

I've ever made.

Ah, that's what they all say.

All right, let's see
what we got here.

Oh, boy. It's like a front
lawn of a foreclosed home.

All right.

Let's just get
you started here.

What is that?

It's a straight razor.

You're not coming close
to me with that.

This is my tool.

You got to trust... Ow.

I'll use the clippers.

Okay, here we go.

Let's get you started.

Okay, so, what do you want
me to do with your taint?

It's pretty messy.

I don't want you
to touch my taint.

Have it your way.

Don't blame me when Sofia
pays it no attention.

Hey, Taco.

Hey, Gus, come on in.

Have a seat.

Can't he wait outside?

I'm not gonna wait outside.

There's a chair in here.

And you want to watch another
dude get his pubes trimmed?

All right, what are you
looking for this week, Gus?

Ooh, I don't know, probably
just a little off the bottom.

If you like what I'm doing here...
Take a look at this.

I'll just move the shaft out...
Jesus, Taco.

Oh, boy.

What? What-what just happened?

I kind of accidentally
gave you the Skrillex.

You shaved half of my pubes off?

I will fix it.

Don't you worry about a thing.

And here we go.

Take a little off there.

And... done.

All better.

Taco, you shaved me bare.

Gave you the
Hairless in Seattle.

Are we done here?

Absolutely. Hot towel?

I don't want a hot towel...
All right, here.

We're in, we're in.

That was fun.

Yeah, I've never been to a place
that has "beer bong" on the menu.

It's fun to try new
things, isn't it?

Yeah, it is.

Yeah.

Let's take this to
the bedroom, huh?

The bedroom? No.

Wh-Whoa. Wha... Whoa.

On the couch.

Okay. You know what?

I am down and all on board
for the "Taco by Taco."

Yeah?

Oh, yes, let's do it.

You are gonna love it.

Mwah.

You know what you're
gonna love even more?

What?

Your "Taco by Rachel."

I don't know what that is, but
I love all things Rachel.

Oh, there we go.

Okay.

Are you ready?

I am ready.

Oh, good.

Okay. Mmm.

Hmm?

What-what is that?

Is that, like, some weird
Japanese cell phone or something?

I am going to shave you.

Wh... Oh, no, no, no,
I've never done that.

I, uh... No, no, that's... Hey,
there's a first time for everything.

Oh, wait, does it hurt?

How does... No, it hurts a little bit
the first time, but I promise it

feels so good after that.

Can we just talk about it?

Can you please trust me?

I want to trust you.

I just want my first time
to be special, you know?

It will be so special.

Mmm.

I will be so gentle.

Mmm.

I promise.

Uh, can we start with
just the tip, please?

Just the tip.

Mmm, okay.

I'll go so slow.

Okay.

Ooh.

Ooh... Oh, I don't know, I don't know, oh...
Ooh, it's so good.

Oh, it feels weird.

Mm, please, shh, shh...
Oh, my God.

Whew. So much pubic hair.

Can you guys take some
of this home with you?

No.

What do you want us to
do with the pubic hair?

I don't know, stuff
some pillows with it.

It's fluffy.

Oh, make a crafternoon of it?

Guys, you are not gonna
believe what happened to me.

What?

Rachel date-shaved me.

This is not funny.

She got me drunk, she took out
the clippers, and before I knew

it, zip-- I had the
full-on Baby Geoffrey.

I was violated and
I was deflowered.

Please, you were deforested.

Amateurs should not be clearing
that kind of heavy brush.

Great, well, if you're the expert,
then get over here and fix it.

The best I could do for you is
I could transfer some of the

hair from your head
down to your crotch.

You're gonna give me
a pubic hair wig?

Mm-hmm. Hair's hair.

A regular Vidal Buffoon.

This sucks.

I'm, like, on the I.R. now.

It's gonna be three weeks before
I get a Howie Long going,

another two years before
I get my Polamalu back.

It's so itchy, too.

Ruxin, how are you
dealing with this?

Sofia's got this Puerto Rican
agave root formula that's

supposed to stimulate growth,
so, uh, I'm all taken care of.

Can you get me some?

No.

I'm your friend and I'm
in pain over here.

I don't care about
your penis, Pete!

Enough with the Puerto Rogaine
stuff-- I have a real issue.

I need you to tell Sofia we need a
reservation for that Lemon place.

No, no more favors, okay?

This is not a great time
to ask Sofia for favors.

Last night's unveiling
didn't go so well.

Oh, Lady Ruxin did not
enjoy the Baby Geoffrey.

My penis does not
look like my son's.

He doesn't have the meaty
clackers that I'm working with.

They haven't descended yet.

I'm sure eventually he will grow
the big, beautiful meatballs

that I have, all right?

Sounds like someone has
testicular hubris.

Well, I don't really give a shit
because I need some of that

special juice to
make my pubes grow.

And I need a Lemon reservation.

No, no, no. Nobody's happy
unless this guy's happy.

You're never happy.

Yeah.

Exactly.

You know, I think I know of a
way that we can get Ruxin to

call Sofia for us.

Guys, guys, no, no, no,
we cannot do this.

Come on.

We cannot do this.

Special
straw forever unsanitary.

Holy shit, he sounds
just like Ruxin.

What did I tell you, man, huh?

Hey, Donald, it's me, Kevin.

And this is my buddy, Pete.

We were hoping to borrow your voice
so we could call our friend's wife.

Donald, you don't
need to do this.

Shut it, chemo.

Great.

What do you say,
Comrade, help us out?

What's in it for me?

I don't... I don't know.

Whatever you want.

Yeah.

Is the wife hot?

Yeah. Latin.

Donald's disease makes it
impossible for him to get aroused.

Not true.

I get aroused up here.

That's really creepy.

All right, let's do this.

Well, we'll just get
this out of the way.

I'll get Sofia on speaker.

You hang tight.

You're gonna get me kicked
out of Caring Comrades.

We don't give a shit.

Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

Hey, babe.

Hey.

Can you call your friend at Lemon and
get us a reservation for Friday?

Really? You want to go again?

Put the reservation
under Kevin's name.

Kevin and Jenny might join us.

Oh, God, are you kidding me?

You know how I feel about them.

What the...?

I do?

What's the deal with that agave
stuff you put in your hair after

that bad haircut?

Um, I-I got that when
I was back home.

Why?

Back to Kevin and Jenny.

Remind me what your
issue is with them.

But, first, the hair formula.

Where can I get some?

Restaurant. Hair stuff.

Rod... Rod-Rodney?

Skittle-kylock-forkman-zebn,
K-K-K-K.

Stop it.

Babe, you sound
really stressed out.

Are you okay?

I am pretty stressed.

Maybe you can help me relax.

Over the phone.

You mean like...

- phone sex?
- Oh, God.

Yeah.

- Phone sex.
- Okay, I mean it's

better than sticking my face
in your tumbleweed.

So what are you wearing?

I'm wearing that low-cut

red and white dress that you like
so much.

What are you wearing?

Red wind breaker,

- and some khakis.
- You can lie, Donald.

Weird, but sexy.

I wish I was there

to put my good hand on your breast.

Okay, I am rubbing my breast...

What are you wearing under your dress?

Oh, just a pair of skimpy
yellow lace panties.

Take them off.

Oh, God, I don't want to see
this guy's finger strokes.

Okay, I just took them off.

Holy shit, she did it!

What?

I mean, this is so hot.

It is so hot.

What else would you
like me to do?

Oh, no, we got to... Stop. Ow!

Send me a hot, naked
photo of yourself.

I'm gonna send you a hot,
naked, dirty photo of me.

But you better send me
one in return, Rodney.

Oh, God.

I'm not taking that.

Here goes.

Okay. Now your turn.

Well, hello.

All right, I can do
something with that.

Just gonna
get this guy out.

How 'bout this bird's-eye view?

Now take my medical compression
socks off with your teeth.

Okay, done, done.

This is over.

Thanks, jackass, now I'm
going to get blue balls.

You can't get blue balls.

It's not possible.

Yes, it is. Up here.

How do you
like that, sweetie?

Oh, balls!

Sir, license and registration.

What's the problem, Officer?

You were texting and driving.

Uh, no, sir, I wasn't.

Let me see your phone.

No, why don't you
give me your phone?

Step out of the car right now.

Okay, here we are.

Sir, give me your phone.

Here you go.

Is this child pornography?

No, that's a dick pic.

You're taking pictures
of children's penises?

No, that is my penis.

It just appears childlike.

There's no way that this tiny
thing is a grown man's penis.

It is! See those balls?

Those are a couple
meaty clackers.

It's like when you give a dog a
summer haircut, it looks smaller.

It's still the same dog.

Look, I'll show you, okay?

Sir, sir, really, I don't... Just look!
Just take a peek.

I'm not gay.

I'm just showing you this... No!

God, I hate flex dilemmas.

Pierre Garcon, Wes Welker.

Wes Welker, Pierre Garcon.

Sir, I don't...
Sir, put that away.

Whoa, whoa. Is that Ruxin?

Oh, my God.

Oh, shi...

Hi, Mommy, we love you.

Welcome to your life.

No, no, no, where is my
near-death flexperience?

Pierre Garcon or Wes Welker?

We love you.

Oh, this is bullsh...
...it!

Oh, bullshit. Oh... You should
probably check on that.

Get back here! Get back here!

Come on!

Oh, I'm so happy you're okay.

I was having such a hard time figuring
out who to set Kevin up with.

Dr. Nowzick.

Uh... On behalf of the hospital, I'd
like to talk to you about Donald.

Look, I totally understand if you want
to kick me out of Caring Comrades.

- It was just... - What? No, I want to
thank you for your generous donation.

Thank you.

Here they are.

Oh, boy, look at all these
happy faces in here, huh?

Because of you.

Y-Yeah.

Because of your generosity,
they're having a lot of fun...

Oh, look, they're drawing
hair on their dinosaurs.

Uh, my generosity?

Mm-hmm. I donated all my clippings
to Caring Comrades in your honor.

These are pubic hair wigs?

Yeah.

You can't make pubic hair wigs.

Hair's hair.

How many clients did you have?

That's mostly Ruxin.

His bush was huge.

Oh, my God.

Because of your generosity, we
were able to wig the entire

pediatric cancer ward.

And we had some left
over for Donald.

Look, uh, Donald, I-I can...
I know what it is.

And I like it.

Looking good, Robot Ruxin.

Looking good.