The League (2009–2015): Season 5, Episode 4 - Rafi and Dirty Randy - full transcript
When their friend is murdered, Rafi and Dirty Randy head to L.A. to avenge his death and break into the mainstream porn business.
Open up, Spazz.
We know you're in there.
Spazz no est?
aqu?, man.
Where's the stuff, Spazz?
Uh, I honestly don't know,
guys.
Actually, right now it's kind of
a bad time.
I'm having a gastrointestinal
kind of thing.
Hey, guys. What's up?
I love what you've done to
the place.
Look at this.
Oh, look at you.
Want to break it?
If you guys need anything to
drink or anything, there's a
beer on the bed or some pizza in
the bathroom, too.
Did you just offer us shit
pizza?
It's got cheese in the crust.
Well, you know what the good
news is?
The boss wants to see you...
Oh, good.
Let's go see him, then.
You didn't let me finish.
The boss wants to see you...
dead.
- What's up?!
- Ow!
Cheers.
No, that's my beer.
We could share this beer,
'cause we're best friends.
No. I don't think so.
Yeah, that's a good idea.
I've got a whole lip thing going
on.
I'm having the best time with
you bros.
Hey, guy, are you gonna answer
- that?
- Rafi, I think it's your
phone.
Maybe it's one of my hot
dogs, I don't know.
Whoa!
Answer it.
What? Oh, yeah. Hello.
Yes, it is.
Leonard Spazzinelli?
Yeah, I know him.
He's, like, my best friend.
Don't get mad.
Wait.
Dead? Wh-What do you mean?
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Brian, Spazz is dead!
I don't know who that is.
Oh, no, no! No! No!
My God...!
Randy! Randy!
Aah! Randy...!
Hey. Come here.
Find Randy. Find Randy!
Rafi, hey.
What's happened?
What's happened?
Spazz is dead!
It's the worst day of my life.
I got the news just today.
They shot him, Randy!
They shot him right in the head!
They shot Spazz!
I'm never gonna forget the
last thing I said to him, man.
I said, "Spazz, you can put the
whole thing in your mouth."
Yeah?
And he said...
I remember, man, I was there,
pushing his head down on it and
shoving it in.
Are you thinking what I'm
thinking?
That I really have to take a
shit after eating three hot dogs
on the way over here?
No. We are gonna murder the
people that murdered our friend
Spazz!
Yes!
Guess what.
What?
Dirty Randy and Rafi are
going to Los Angeles.
Vigilante justice!
Oh! Look at this mess!
Who's this tall drink of water?
This is disgusting.
Please pick this up.
Margaret, I quit this
bullshit job.
You can't quit... you were
fired four months ago.
I quit now!
You go get me my severance
package!
You don't have a severance
- package.
- You don't
have a severance package!
I have a very good severance
package.
Then get me your severance
package!
What's a severance package?!
I'm going to call the
security guard and he'll get
rid of you.
Oh, guess what.
In this bullshit library, I own
security!
I don't own security;
we should probably go.
That guy hates me.
Oh, okay, let's go.
We could get in trouble.
Let's do this for Spazz!
Right, let's do this for Spazz!
We're gonna go to L.A.!
Let's go to L.A.! Yeah!
Where's your car?
Where's your car?
Where's the porn-mobile?
I lost my car in a drag race
with Korean teenagers.
Why are you drag-racing
Korean teenagers?
It's the only way I can get a
boner anymore.
Your fetishes are getting,
like, really specific.
Are you finding the same
thing?
It used to be that I just
wanted to get a blow job from a
woman with no teeth, but now I
only want to have sex with a
woman with one tooth.
I like having sex with a
woman and ejaculating the moment
she has her first menopausal hot
flash.
Dude!
Yes! I call it man-opause.
That's what she'll think of it
as. Dude, that's good.
Dude, it is so good seeing
you, man.
Good seeing you, bro.
I'll talk to you later, man.
You're the best.
You're the best.
Wait a minute! Spazz!
We got to go to L.A.!
How are we gonna get there?
I got a new set of wheels.
Trust me, he's my best
friend... he's totally gonna let
us borrow his car.
I really think my car will
make it to L.A., man.
Uh, R-Randy, this-this is a
BMX bike.
Huge day at work today, and I
don't know why I told Ruxin I'd
pick him up and drive him to the
airport.
No. You are going to
be great.
Okay. I love you.
Bye.
What the shit?
Where's my car?
Oh, goddamn Rafi!*
Whoo!
Whoo...!
Whoa! Shit!
Where are we? Where...
I don't know, we're driving.
We're good, we're good,
we're good.
Hey, Randy, what's gonna
happen in L.A.?
I think big things are gonna
happen, is what I think.
You do?
I do.
Oh, look at this beautiful
country.
Oh, we should go left.
Go left, go left, go left.*
I love seeing all the dead
animals at the side of the road.
It really turns me on.
Man! This baby's got the best
butt plug I've ever worn.
You want it?
Yeah.
I thought when I fell off, I
would get a lot more hurt.
Oh!
Oh, it's so nice of your
friend's stupid kid to leave us
his baby drug mirror.
Oh, yeah. Oh!
I gave him this.
So he could do drugs with it.
Instead, he just looks at his
dum-dum face with it.*
I'm so glad we can share this
moment together.
Me, too. It's just you and
me... and Brian! What's up?
Hey!
Here we are at the Grand
Canyon...
Wow.
...jerking off.
Just another of our "Coming on
America" series.
Oh, my God.
This is Grand Canyon.
Tomorrow...
Oh, no, oh, God, shut it off!
Oh, my God, oh, God!
Rafi.
Wake up. Wake up, man!
What? What?
We're in L.A.
Oh, my God! Amazing!
I know!
I had the craziest dream.
We were driving on the wrong
side of the highway and caused a
huge pile-up.
Oh, that actually happened.
What?!
I didn't wake you.
You just looked like an angel.
We just kept driving.
That's amazing.
L.A., baby! Ooh-ooh...!
Looks like this is where
Spazz was killed.
This is nice.
Super nice.
I mean, whoa.
All right, I'm gonna go talk
to the manager, see what he
knows... you take care of the
car.
Done.
Hey. You had a murder here in
your motel a couple of days ago.
I'm here to ask you a few
questions, get to the bottom of
it.
Are you the police?
Are you the police?
No.
Then yes, I am the police.
My name is Sergeant Lieutenant
Randolph.
Dirty Randolph.
So, what do you know, man?
I don't know anything.
I told you everything.
You are a tough nut to crack,
but I'm gonna bust your nut.
Didn't want it to come to this,
but looks like I'll have to use
the powers of seduction.
Please don't.
Just tell me what I need to
know... maybe I can throw a
little something your way.
Look, my friend, you are not
my type.
I'm not your type?!
I'm everyone's type.
My junk is like O positive
blood... it's universally
compatible.
Look, man, I'd hate to see
something bad happen to this
place.
No, wait. Hey, hey!
That paper's expensive!
Come back here! That's matte
finish.
Take it easy, all right?
Okay, you gonna talk?
You got cameras in this little
shit hole.
I want the shower cams, I want
the toilet cams.
And not just the ones looking at
the toilet... I want the ones in
the toilet.
I want to see what the poop
sees.
No, you're not getting the
poop cam.
Give me my poop cams!
No! Not getting my poop cams!
Whoa! Whoa! Rafi!
What?
What are you doing, man?!
What, you said take care of
the car.
So you lit it on fire?
That's what "take care of it"
means!
When I asked you to take care
of my mother's cat, is this what
you did?
Of course!
This is a "my bad" kind of
scenario.
Totally.
I had no idea you couldn't
light a car on fire in Los
Angeles.
Now we know.
You can't burn a car anywhere
actually.
Oh, you can.
I've burned, like, 40 cars...
never been arrested.
You should... you should g...
It's a great way to get rid
of evidence.
Yeah.
Probably shouldn't tell me
that.
We're on the same team here.
We-We're detectives.
For now. When we solve our
friend's murder, we will become
vigilantes.
Yes.
That's illegal. You can't be
a vigilante.
Why? Batman does it.
There's no such thing as
Batman, and being a vigilante...
What? You are so wrong!
If you go to Gotham right now,
Batman is taking the law into
his own hands.
Batman is a fictitious
character...
Batman is the alter ego of
Bruce Wayne, who's...
Who's real, obviously.
In the movie, he's a real...
In the documentaries.
I'm sorry?
There's, like, a million
documentaries about Batman.
There's one from the '70s,
then there's some from the '90s,
then they just had three in the
last, like, decade.
There's, like, three new
documentaries about Batman!
Do you have any idea what the
term "documentary" means?
Yeah, non-porno movies.
With real people in them.
English Patient.
You guys belong in a mental
institution.
That's how we met, actually.
It was lovely.
Look, you guys just-just get
out of here, okay? Just get out.
Whoa. Wait, what?
Just get out of Los Angeles,
okay?
Just get out?
Just get out of here?
Just get out.
When I saw you were bald, I
thought I shouldn't be
presumptuous...
I can't believe it took us
this long, man.
You're a Nazi.
You're a Nazi, man.
Excuse me?
You just gave us a full-on
Nazi salute.
No, no, no. No, no, I was
not.
No, I was saying, "Get out."
What do you think the motion
is?
That's what Hitler was saying.
Is that what he was saying?
He was saying, "Jews, get out
of Germany."
No, that's a Sieg Heil.
He was going, "Heil" and he
went low-l, too.
No, it's not like "high up
high" and lo... No, it's-it's...
Look, I'm not even sure of the
origins of-of Sieg He...
You seem like you are.
No, I don't seem like I am.
I was saying good-bye.
You've done it, like, 100
times, man.
I'm trying to show you!
I'm showing you!
I'm showing here!
This country is very open to
Nazis.
Okay, you know what, here are
your friend's belongings.
Take them, get out of here.
Ooh, Spazz's stuff.
Whew, let's see what we got.
Don't dump it out on my...
We're just gonna use this...
Why did Spazz have a tape
dispenser?
That's not... That's my tape.
Are these Spazz's?
Those are my paper clips.
Wait, there's a clue in here.
"Booty Barn, Oxnard Road, Van
Nuys."
Nice.
How do we get there?
Looks like Spazz left us the
keys to the Spazz Mobile.
Awesome! Tell you what, man,
you hear about a murder at the
Booty Barn tonight, you know who
did it.
Rafi and Dirty Randy.
You can go eat your own dick.
*Whew. Oh, ho, ho, ho.
This place is nice.
Right? I'm glad you wore your
nice flip-flops.
Stay frosty, man.
Okay.
One of these sickos could've
killed our friend Spazz.
We owe it to Spazz to stay
here and investigate every clue
we can as deep as possible.
Or at least as far as they'll
let us go.
I want to investigate that
clue.
There's a black clue back
there that I'm really curious
about.
I heard there's a clue in the
back that has coke.
I've got a lot of pent up
investigating to do.
Oh, me, too! I got blue
clues!
Yeah, I'd like to investigate
all over some of these clues!
Let's do it, man.
Two Jagerbombs.
One Cobb salad.
Hold the onions.
Dirty Randy's gonna make it
rain!
Yeah!
Dirty Randy should not be making
it rain!
What are you doing? No, no, no.
I'm jizzing money!
What? No.
It's a money shot!
No, no, no, no!
Yeah!
No, Randy, no. No, no.
No, Randy...
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
Let me go. Let me go.
Yeah, go, go. Get in there.
Get in there.
Yeah!
Yeah, get it! Yeah.
Oh. Oh, man.
I can't believe they have a
pinball machine here.
I know. How cool is this,
right?
This is awesome!
They're kind of just asking
for an Accused typesituation,
though, you know?
What's that?
The Accused? The movie?
I've never heard of that.
What?! Oh, my God, dude, it's
only, like, the greatest
romantic comedy ever made.
I love romantic comedies!
It's like Sleepless in
Seattle meets The Proposal
meets nonconsensual sex.
Who's in it?
Oh, my God, that dude.
Um, Jodie Foster.
He's my favorite actor!
He's so good in it, too.
He's such a good actor.
He was great in Nell.
Hey, it's starting to smell
in here.
I think we should have
housekeeping come in and clean
Spazz's brains off the ground.
No way, man. I like it.
It's like having a little piece
of Spazz with us.
Aw. So sentimental.
Whoa!
Rafi?
Dirty Randy?!
Cock brothers.
Joel and Ethan Cock!
What is going on?
Look at you. Look at you.
We haven't seen you guys
since we were chased out of
Chicago.
Oh, man.
What are you guys doing here
in Spazz's room?
Yeah.
We're shooting a porn, yeah.
He always let us shoot porns in
his room.
That's amazing.
He was so generous.
What are you guys doing here?
We've been staying in his
room 'cause there's, like, a
little piece of him that's still
here with us.
Sure, yeah.
You know what I like to think?
That that part of him is the
part that remembers me.
Yeah, this bloodstain is
awesome.
We just had him bang her on it a
little while ago.
Great idea.
It's really quite beautiful,
like, as a tribute to him.
Kind of a posthumous
three-way for Spazz.
Nice. I say we power through
till dawn and then drinks
poolside.
I don't want to rush you
guys, but if you need two more
dicks...
And three more balls.
...we're happy to jump in on
this.
Champagne living and caviar
dreams.
I mean, this is California at
its best.
I don't want to brag, but at
this particular moment, we're
doing everything right.
This is the life, boys.
Rolling 18 inches deep.
Couple of beers, good
friends, bunch of bath salts.
Look, we can't forget what
brought us here.
Do you guys know who killed
Spazz?
Chuck Falcon.
What?! The amazing
pornographer Chuck Falcon?
The Falcon himself.
Chuck Falcon is, like, the
Steve Jobs of pornography.
And like Steve Jobs, he also
murders people.
You thinking what I'm
thinking?
Pasta night?
No. That we are gonna have to
go to... the Falcon's nest.
That was great, actually.
Well, it's not gonna be that
easy.
I mean, Falcon takes security
really seriously.
And this weekend is his
daughter's 11th birthday party.
Well, we are gonna easily
make our way in there when we go
to... the Falcon's nest.
I've been telling you, I
don't know 'cause...
Shut... Dude, don't talk
after I say "Falcon's nest,"
okay?
I want "Falcon's nest" to be the
last thing anyone says.
For the rest of the day?
Here.
So we're not supposed to talk
after you say it?
No. Falcon's nest.
How long does this last for?
Oh, my...
Longer than that.
That wasn't long enough!
I'm trying to have a moment!
The only way we're gonna get
into Falcon's place at this
point is in disguise.
I've got an idea.
What?
We've got a bunch of porn
wardrobe in our office.
Yeah.
Where's your office?
Parked right over there.
What? Whoa.
God, that's a nice office.
All right, what do you
think... Pretty Woman dress-up
montage?
Uh, let's just skip to what
we're gonna ultimately wear.
What do we got?
That's perfect.
My, oh, my, look at this.
Is this what normal people
wear?
Who knows?
But it looks good.
Really?
I mean, where's the butthole?
How do people poop in these?
They don't take their pants
off, do they?
Oh, sure.
You pull 'em down, poop, and
then, once you're done, you pull
'em back up and fasten it.
You have just complicated the
whole ordeal.
So, wait, but then the pants
are just in, like, the dirt.
Only if you're pooping in dirt.
Where else would we poop?
We're not animals.
Yeah.
What porno is this even from?
Gay Dads 8.
Whoa, gay dads... that's a
perfect cover for us.
That's what we're doing.
Gay dads.
Yep.
Now we just need an 11-year-
old girl to get us into the
party.
I've already made a call.
This is totally gonna work.
This plan is flawless.
I'm not gonna have to blow
anybody at this party, am I?
Come on.
Candy, we've been over this.
You're not a stripper today;
you're our 11-year-old daughter.
The only people you can blow
at this party are other 11-year-
olds.
Or else it's illegal.
Yeah.
All right, here we are.
Yes.
At a kid's birthday party
where we belong.
Happy birthday to all of you.
Oh, look, some girls your age,
Candy.
Yeah.
Why don't you play with these
girls?
Okay, Big Daddy, you know,
have fun.
Okay, I will.
Wow, walk over here.
We'll go socialize.
Okay.
Just like people who were
definitely invited to this
party.
Happy birthday.
I love you, husband.
As do I you, husband.
Thank you, this is so great.
We are totally fitting in here.
Everybody believes it.
Dude, we are killing this.
You got your gun?
Yes, I've got my gun.
Do you have your gun?
Of course I do.
Let's find this piece of shit
and whack him.
Just walking over here.
Happy birthday, sir.
Happy birthday, ma'am.
Come on, work it like you're
really angry, come on.
I got to say, your daughter
Alison and our daughter Candy
are getting along so well.
Quick question: does your
daughter have a valid passport?
'Cause we're bringing Candy to
Bangkok in a couple weeks for a
"holiday."
You know, it'd be really great
if she had a friend to smoke
with and cry to.
Exactly.
Yeah, marriage is the weirdest.
It's so tough.
Now that we're married, we
barely find time to have violent
sex with each other.
Sometimes we just start
having sex.
I'm like, "Punch me in the face
first.
Jesus."
We are killing this.
On fire right now.
On fire, man.
Party's over.
Nice line.
That was a good line.
Okay, okay.
Come on, no.
Okay.
Get off of me, man.
These are the two idiots we
were telling you about.
Yeah.
Dick.
I'm Chuck Falcon.
Want to explain why you're here?
First off, huge fan.
Huge fans.
Mind blown.
Let me ask you another
question.
What are you doing on my
premises?
Oh, okay, our bad.
Oh, okay, yeah, sorry, no
problem.
We're here to murder you.
We're... no, you know, that's
a, that's a bad way to put it.
We're here to avenge a friend's
death.
Spazz.
Spazz, who you know.
You killed.
And in doing so it will mean
that your life will come to an
end.
Yes.
You're not gonna kill me
'cause I'm gonna make your
dreams come true.
I've seen your stuff.
Wait, you haven't.
What, Toe-Bangers 3?
What? What?
What?
Come on.
Listen to me.
Amateur porn is all the rage
right now.
It's so hard for professionals
to make amateur porn look really
amateur.
Oh, we're great at that.
Yeah, I mean, I mean, that's
what we are... amateurs.
Yeah, I make all the sex
sounds with my mouth afterwards.
Squish.
The stuff you shoot makes
people say, "I feel slightly
dumber for having masturbated to
that."
Oh, my God, do you mind if we
put that as a blurb on the back
of the DVD?
I'm gonna offer you an
exclusive deal with Falcon
Entertainment.
Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh,
my God, it's happening, it's
happening.
This is ha... it's happening.
I'm just like...
We can't forget why we're here.
This is like...
We can't forget Spazz.
You killed our friend, man.
Yeah.
He was stealing from us.
Aw.
What?
So, what do you think?
I mean, I don't know...
Spazz was kind of the worst.
He was the worst, right?
The worst.
I mean, that's Chuck Falcon.
It's Chuck Falcon offering us
a deal.
Are you thinking what I'm
thinking?
I kind of think I am.
Where do I sign?
What, why?!
What, what?
We were gonna sign an
exclusive contract!
No, no.
You can't shoot him!
We have not been on the same
page this trip, man.
At all.
Gilligan's Assland, take one.
Ready and action.
Action.
That is great.
Oh, Marianne, you're doing
great.
Craft service!
Come on, Boris, get over here.
Yes, sir, Master Prince of
Porn.
Yes, good.
You killed the guy.
You didn't pay him, right?
Myself.
Good.
Don't look at me.
Feed me.
All right, ooh.
There you go, Rafi.
Candy, no!
What are you doing?! No!
Jesus, guys.
Get away from the drugs!
Guys, on a positive note, I
feel like we probably got
everything we need from this
angle.
We can move on.
I don't like it anymore. Cut.
No, action.
No, cut!
Action!
Cut!
Action!
Cut!
Action!
No action!
Yes action!
No, no!
Action!
I said, "Action!"
I said, "Cut!"
Should we cut?
Yes!
No!
I'm carrying you like a baby.
I have strapped you to my
back in a papoose like I'm an
Indian woman on the plains
fleeing for my life against the
British invaders!
This ends today!
Oh, it's got to end!
You thinking what I'm thinking?
Duel.
Whoa.
That was... we're... that...
we're really on the same page
right now.
Same page.
Here are the rules of the duel.
Ten paces, then start shooting.
You ready?
Ready.
Go.
One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight, nine,
ten.
Oh, no.
High five?
God.
Yeah!
Yeah, let's do it again!
No, he's dead.
Oh.
Oh, Rafi.
None of you saw shit!
He killed himself!
He shot himself while you
were shooting at him?
Yeah, but that's our cover
story!
Get up, you big idiot, get up.
Brian, it's Rafi.
If you're watching this,
I'm dead.
Come to Los Angeles and avenge my death.
Brian, do not let me down in this,
or I swear to God,
I will haunt you
every night...
We know you're in there.
Spazz no est?
aqu?, man.
Where's the stuff, Spazz?
Uh, I honestly don't know,
guys.
Actually, right now it's kind of
a bad time.
I'm having a gastrointestinal
kind of thing.
Hey, guys. What's up?
I love what you've done to
the place.
Look at this.
Oh, look at you.
Want to break it?
If you guys need anything to
drink or anything, there's a
beer on the bed or some pizza in
the bathroom, too.
Did you just offer us shit
pizza?
It's got cheese in the crust.
Well, you know what the good
news is?
The boss wants to see you...
Oh, good.
Let's go see him, then.
You didn't let me finish.
The boss wants to see you...
dead.
- What's up?!
- Ow!
Cheers.
No, that's my beer.
We could share this beer,
'cause we're best friends.
No. I don't think so.
Yeah, that's a good idea.
I've got a whole lip thing going
on.
I'm having the best time with
you bros.
Hey, guy, are you gonna answer
- that?
- Rafi, I think it's your
phone.
Maybe it's one of my hot
dogs, I don't know.
Whoa!
Answer it.
What? Oh, yeah. Hello.
Yes, it is.
Leonard Spazzinelli?
Yeah, I know him.
He's, like, my best friend.
Don't get mad.
Wait.
Dead? Wh-What do you mean?
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Brian, Spazz is dead!
I don't know who that is.
Oh, no, no! No! No!
My God...!
Randy! Randy!
Aah! Randy...!
Hey. Come here.
Find Randy. Find Randy!
Rafi, hey.
What's happened?
What's happened?
Spazz is dead!
It's the worst day of my life.
I got the news just today.
They shot him, Randy!
They shot him right in the head!
They shot Spazz!
I'm never gonna forget the
last thing I said to him, man.
I said, "Spazz, you can put the
whole thing in your mouth."
Yeah?
And he said...
I remember, man, I was there,
pushing his head down on it and
shoving it in.
Are you thinking what I'm
thinking?
That I really have to take a
shit after eating three hot dogs
on the way over here?
No. We are gonna murder the
people that murdered our friend
Spazz!
Yes!
Guess what.
What?
Dirty Randy and Rafi are
going to Los Angeles.
Vigilante justice!
Oh! Look at this mess!
Who's this tall drink of water?
This is disgusting.
Please pick this up.
Margaret, I quit this
bullshit job.
You can't quit... you were
fired four months ago.
I quit now!
You go get me my severance
package!
You don't have a severance
- package.
- You don't
have a severance package!
I have a very good severance
package.
Then get me your severance
package!
What's a severance package?!
I'm going to call the
security guard and he'll get
rid of you.
Oh, guess what.
In this bullshit library, I own
security!
I don't own security;
we should probably go.
That guy hates me.
Oh, okay, let's go.
We could get in trouble.
Let's do this for Spazz!
Right, let's do this for Spazz!
We're gonna go to L.A.!
Let's go to L.A.! Yeah!
Where's your car?
Where's your car?
Where's the porn-mobile?
I lost my car in a drag race
with Korean teenagers.
Why are you drag-racing
Korean teenagers?
It's the only way I can get a
boner anymore.
Your fetishes are getting,
like, really specific.
Are you finding the same
thing?
It used to be that I just
wanted to get a blow job from a
woman with no teeth, but now I
only want to have sex with a
woman with one tooth.
I like having sex with a
woman and ejaculating the moment
she has her first menopausal hot
flash.
Dude!
Yes! I call it man-opause.
That's what she'll think of it
as. Dude, that's good.
Dude, it is so good seeing
you, man.
Good seeing you, bro.
I'll talk to you later, man.
You're the best.
You're the best.
Wait a minute! Spazz!
We got to go to L.A.!
How are we gonna get there?
I got a new set of wheels.
Trust me, he's my best
friend... he's totally gonna let
us borrow his car.
I really think my car will
make it to L.A., man.
Uh, R-Randy, this-this is a
BMX bike.
Huge day at work today, and I
don't know why I told Ruxin I'd
pick him up and drive him to the
airport.
No. You are going to
be great.
Okay. I love you.
Bye.
What the shit?
Where's my car?
Oh, goddamn Rafi!*
Whoo!
Whoo...!
Whoa! Shit!
Where are we? Where...
I don't know, we're driving.
We're good, we're good,
we're good.
Hey, Randy, what's gonna
happen in L.A.?
I think big things are gonna
happen, is what I think.
You do?
I do.
Oh, look at this beautiful
country.
Oh, we should go left.
Go left, go left, go left.*
I love seeing all the dead
animals at the side of the road.
It really turns me on.
Man! This baby's got the best
butt plug I've ever worn.
You want it?
Yeah.
I thought when I fell off, I
would get a lot more hurt.
Oh!
Oh, it's so nice of your
friend's stupid kid to leave us
his baby drug mirror.
Oh, yeah. Oh!
I gave him this.
So he could do drugs with it.
Instead, he just looks at his
dum-dum face with it.*
I'm so glad we can share this
moment together.
Me, too. It's just you and
me... and Brian! What's up?
Hey!
Here we are at the Grand
Canyon...
Wow.
...jerking off.
Just another of our "Coming on
America" series.
Oh, my God.
This is Grand Canyon.
Tomorrow...
Oh, no, oh, God, shut it off!
Oh, my God, oh, God!
Rafi.
Wake up. Wake up, man!
What? What?
We're in L.A.
Oh, my God! Amazing!
I know!
I had the craziest dream.
We were driving on the wrong
side of the highway and caused a
huge pile-up.
Oh, that actually happened.
What?!
I didn't wake you.
You just looked like an angel.
We just kept driving.
That's amazing.
L.A., baby! Ooh-ooh...!
Looks like this is where
Spazz was killed.
This is nice.
Super nice.
I mean, whoa.
All right, I'm gonna go talk
to the manager, see what he
knows... you take care of the
car.
Done.
Hey. You had a murder here in
your motel a couple of days ago.
I'm here to ask you a few
questions, get to the bottom of
it.
Are you the police?
Are you the police?
No.
Then yes, I am the police.
My name is Sergeant Lieutenant
Randolph.
Dirty Randolph.
So, what do you know, man?
I don't know anything.
I told you everything.
You are a tough nut to crack,
but I'm gonna bust your nut.
Didn't want it to come to this,
but looks like I'll have to use
the powers of seduction.
Please don't.
Just tell me what I need to
know... maybe I can throw a
little something your way.
Look, my friend, you are not
my type.
I'm not your type?!
I'm everyone's type.
My junk is like O positive
blood... it's universally
compatible.
Look, man, I'd hate to see
something bad happen to this
place.
No, wait. Hey, hey!
That paper's expensive!
Come back here! That's matte
finish.
Take it easy, all right?
Okay, you gonna talk?
You got cameras in this little
shit hole.
I want the shower cams, I want
the toilet cams.
And not just the ones looking at
the toilet... I want the ones in
the toilet.
I want to see what the poop
sees.
No, you're not getting the
poop cam.
Give me my poop cams!
No! Not getting my poop cams!
Whoa! Whoa! Rafi!
What?
What are you doing, man?!
What, you said take care of
the car.
So you lit it on fire?
That's what "take care of it"
means!
When I asked you to take care
of my mother's cat, is this what
you did?
Of course!
This is a "my bad" kind of
scenario.
Totally.
I had no idea you couldn't
light a car on fire in Los
Angeles.
Now we know.
You can't burn a car anywhere
actually.
Oh, you can.
I've burned, like, 40 cars...
never been arrested.
You should... you should g...
It's a great way to get rid
of evidence.
Yeah.
Probably shouldn't tell me
that.
We're on the same team here.
We-We're detectives.
For now. When we solve our
friend's murder, we will become
vigilantes.
Yes.
That's illegal. You can't be
a vigilante.
Why? Batman does it.
There's no such thing as
Batman, and being a vigilante...
What? You are so wrong!
If you go to Gotham right now,
Batman is taking the law into
his own hands.
Batman is a fictitious
character...
Batman is the alter ego of
Bruce Wayne, who's...
Who's real, obviously.
In the movie, he's a real...
In the documentaries.
I'm sorry?
There's, like, a million
documentaries about Batman.
There's one from the '70s,
then there's some from the '90s,
then they just had three in the
last, like, decade.
There's, like, three new
documentaries about Batman!
Do you have any idea what the
term "documentary" means?
Yeah, non-porno movies.
With real people in them.
English Patient.
You guys belong in a mental
institution.
That's how we met, actually.
It was lovely.
Look, you guys just-just get
out of here, okay? Just get out.
Whoa. Wait, what?
Just get out of Los Angeles,
okay?
Just get out?
Just get out of here?
Just get out.
When I saw you were bald, I
thought I shouldn't be
presumptuous...
I can't believe it took us
this long, man.
You're a Nazi.
You're a Nazi, man.
Excuse me?
You just gave us a full-on
Nazi salute.
No, no, no. No, no, I was
not.
No, I was saying, "Get out."
What do you think the motion
is?
That's what Hitler was saying.
Is that what he was saying?
He was saying, "Jews, get out
of Germany."
No, that's a Sieg Heil.
He was going, "Heil" and he
went low-l, too.
No, it's not like "high up
high" and lo... No, it's-it's...
Look, I'm not even sure of the
origins of-of Sieg He...
You seem like you are.
No, I don't seem like I am.
I was saying good-bye.
You've done it, like, 100
times, man.
I'm trying to show you!
I'm showing you!
I'm showing here!
This country is very open to
Nazis.
Okay, you know what, here are
your friend's belongings.
Take them, get out of here.
Ooh, Spazz's stuff.
Whew, let's see what we got.
Don't dump it out on my...
We're just gonna use this...
Why did Spazz have a tape
dispenser?
That's not... That's my tape.
Are these Spazz's?
Those are my paper clips.
Wait, there's a clue in here.
"Booty Barn, Oxnard Road, Van
Nuys."
Nice.
How do we get there?
Looks like Spazz left us the
keys to the Spazz Mobile.
Awesome! Tell you what, man,
you hear about a murder at the
Booty Barn tonight, you know who
did it.
Rafi and Dirty Randy.
You can go eat your own dick.
*Whew. Oh, ho, ho, ho.
This place is nice.
Right? I'm glad you wore your
nice flip-flops.
Stay frosty, man.
Okay.
One of these sickos could've
killed our friend Spazz.
We owe it to Spazz to stay
here and investigate every clue
we can as deep as possible.
Or at least as far as they'll
let us go.
I want to investigate that
clue.
There's a black clue back
there that I'm really curious
about.
I heard there's a clue in the
back that has coke.
I've got a lot of pent up
investigating to do.
Oh, me, too! I got blue
clues!
Yeah, I'd like to investigate
all over some of these clues!
Let's do it, man.
Two Jagerbombs.
One Cobb salad.
Hold the onions.
Dirty Randy's gonna make it
rain!
Yeah!
Dirty Randy should not be making
it rain!
What are you doing? No, no, no.
I'm jizzing money!
What? No.
It's a money shot!
No, no, no, no!
Yeah!
No, Randy, no. No, no.
No, Randy...
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
Let me go. Let me go.
Yeah, go, go. Get in there.
Get in there.
Yeah!
Yeah, get it! Yeah.
Oh. Oh, man.
I can't believe they have a
pinball machine here.
I know. How cool is this,
right?
This is awesome!
They're kind of just asking
for an Accused typesituation,
though, you know?
What's that?
The Accused? The movie?
I've never heard of that.
What?! Oh, my God, dude, it's
only, like, the greatest
romantic comedy ever made.
I love romantic comedies!
It's like Sleepless in
Seattle meets The Proposal
meets nonconsensual sex.
Who's in it?
Oh, my God, that dude.
Um, Jodie Foster.
He's my favorite actor!
He's so good in it, too.
He's such a good actor.
He was great in Nell.
Hey, it's starting to smell
in here.
I think we should have
housekeeping come in and clean
Spazz's brains off the ground.
No way, man. I like it.
It's like having a little piece
of Spazz with us.
Aw. So sentimental.
Whoa!
Rafi?
Dirty Randy?!
Cock brothers.
Joel and Ethan Cock!
What is going on?
Look at you. Look at you.
We haven't seen you guys
since we were chased out of
Chicago.
Oh, man.
What are you guys doing here
in Spazz's room?
Yeah.
We're shooting a porn, yeah.
He always let us shoot porns in
his room.
That's amazing.
He was so generous.
What are you guys doing here?
We've been staying in his
room 'cause there's, like, a
little piece of him that's still
here with us.
Sure, yeah.
You know what I like to think?
That that part of him is the
part that remembers me.
Yeah, this bloodstain is
awesome.
We just had him bang her on it a
little while ago.
Great idea.
It's really quite beautiful,
like, as a tribute to him.
Kind of a posthumous
three-way for Spazz.
Nice. I say we power through
till dawn and then drinks
poolside.
I don't want to rush you
guys, but if you need two more
dicks...
And three more balls.
...we're happy to jump in on
this.
Champagne living and caviar
dreams.
I mean, this is California at
its best.
I don't want to brag, but at
this particular moment, we're
doing everything right.
This is the life, boys.
Rolling 18 inches deep.
Couple of beers, good
friends, bunch of bath salts.
Look, we can't forget what
brought us here.
Do you guys know who killed
Spazz?
Chuck Falcon.
What?! The amazing
pornographer Chuck Falcon?
The Falcon himself.
Chuck Falcon is, like, the
Steve Jobs of pornography.
And like Steve Jobs, he also
murders people.
You thinking what I'm
thinking?
Pasta night?
No. That we are gonna have to
go to... the Falcon's nest.
That was great, actually.
Well, it's not gonna be that
easy.
I mean, Falcon takes security
really seriously.
And this weekend is his
daughter's 11th birthday party.
Well, we are gonna easily
make our way in there when we go
to... the Falcon's nest.
I've been telling you, I
don't know 'cause...
Shut... Dude, don't talk
after I say "Falcon's nest,"
okay?
I want "Falcon's nest" to be the
last thing anyone says.
For the rest of the day?
Here.
So we're not supposed to talk
after you say it?
No. Falcon's nest.
How long does this last for?
Oh, my...
Longer than that.
That wasn't long enough!
I'm trying to have a moment!
The only way we're gonna get
into Falcon's place at this
point is in disguise.
I've got an idea.
What?
We've got a bunch of porn
wardrobe in our office.
Yeah.
Where's your office?
Parked right over there.
What? Whoa.
God, that's a nice office.
All right, what do you
think... Pretty Woman dress-up
montage?
Uh, let's just skip to what
we're gonna ultimately wear.
What do we got?
That's perfect.
My, oh, my, look at this.
Is this what normal people
wear?
Who knows?
But it looks good.
Really?
I mean, where's the butthole?
How do people poop in these?
They don't take their pants
off, do they?
Oh, sure.
You pull 'em down, poop, and
then, once you're done, you pull
'em back up and fasten it.
You have just complicated the
whole ordeal.
So, wait, but then the pants
are just in, like, the dirt.
Only if you're pooping in dirt.
Where else would we poop?
We're not animals.
Yeah.
What porno is this even from?
Gay Dads 8.
Whoa, gay dads... that's a
perfect cover for us.
That's what we're doing.
Gay dads.
Yep.
Now we just need an 11-year-
old girl to get us into the
party.
I've already made a call.
This is totally gonna work.
This plan is flawless.
I'm not gonna have to blow
anybody at this party, am I?
Come on.
Candy, we've been over this.
You're not a stripper today;
you're our 11-year-old daughter.
The only people you can blow
at this party are other 11-year-
olds.
Or else it's illegal.
Yeah.
All right, here we are.
Yes.
At a kid's birthday party
where we belong.
Happy birthday to all of you.
Oh, look, some girls your age,
Candy.
Yeah.
Why don't you play with these
girls?
Okay, Big Daddy, you know,
have fun.
Okay, I will.
Wow, walk over here.
We'll go socialize.
Okay.
Just like people who were
definitely invited to this
party.
Happy birthday.
I love you, husband.
As do I you, husband.
Thank you, this is so great.
We are totally fitting in here.
Everybody believes it.
Dude, we are killing this.
You got your gun?
Yes, I've got my gun.
Do you have your gun?
Of course I do.
Let's find this piece of shit
and whack him.
Just walking over here.
Happy birthday, sir.
Happy birthday, ma'am.
Come on, work it like you're
really angry, come on.
I got to say, your daughter
Alison and our daughter Candy
are getting along so well.
Quick question: does your
daughter have a valid passport?
'Cause we're bringing Candy to
Bangkok in a couple weeks for a
"holiday."
You know, it'd be really great
if she had a friend to smoke
with and cry to.
Exactly.
Yeah, marriage is the weirdest.
It's so tough.
Now that we're married, we
barely find time to have violent
sex with each other.
Sometimes we just start
having sex.
I'm like, "Punch me in the face
first.
Jesus."
We are killing this.
On fire right now.
On fire, man.
Party's over.
Nice line.
That was a good line.
Okay, okay.
Come on, no.
Okay.
Get off of me, man.
These are the two idiots we
were telling you about.
Yeah.
Dick.
I'm Chuck Falcon.
Want to explain why you're here?
First off, huge fan.
Huge fans.
Mind blown.
Let me ask you another
question.
What are you doing on my
premises?
Oh, okay, our bad.
Oh, okay, yeah, sorry, no
problem.
We're here to murder you.
We're... no, you know, that's
a, that's a bad way to put it.
We're here to avenge a friend's
death.
Spazz.
Spazz, who you know.
You killed.
And in doing so it will mean
that your life will come to an
end.
Yes.
You're not gonna kill me
'cause I'm gonna make your
dreams come true.
I've seen your stuff.
Wait, you haven't.
What, Toe-Bangers 3?
What? What?
What?
Come on.
Listen to me.
Amateur porn is all the rage
right now.
It's so hard for professionals
to make amateur porn look really
amateur.
Oh, we're great at that.
Yeah, I mean, I mean, that's
what we are... amateurs.
Yeah, I make all the sex
sounds with my mouth afterwards.
Squish.
The stuff you shoot makes
people say, "I feel slightly
dumber for having masturbated to
that."
Oh, my God, do you mind if we
put that as a blurb on the back
of the DVD?
I'm gonna offer you an
exclusive deal with Falcon
Entertainment.
Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh,
my God, it's happening, it's
happening.
This is ha... it's happening.
I'm just like...
We can't forget why we're here.
This is like...
We can't forget Spazz.
You killed our friend, man.
Yeah.
He was stealing from us.
Aw.
What?
So, what do you think?
I mean, I don't know...
Spazz was kind of the worst.
He was the worst, right?
The worst.
I mean, that's Chuck Falcon.
It's Chuck Falcon offering us
a deal.
Are you thinking what I'm
thinking?
I kind of think I am.
Where do I sign?
What, why?!
What, what?
We were gonna sign an
exclusive contract!
No, no.
You can't shoot him!
We have not been on the same
page this trip, man.
At all.
Gilligan's Assland, take one.
Ready and action.
Action.
That is great.
Oh, Marianne, you're doing
great.
Craft service!
Come on, Boris, get over here.
Yes, sir, Master Prince of
Porn.
Yes, good.
You killed the guy.
You didn't pay him, right?
Myself.
Good.
Don't look at me.
Feed me.
All right, ooh.
There you go, Rafi.
Candy, no!
What are you doing?! No!
Jesus, guys.
Get away from the drugs!
Guys, on a positive note, I
feel like we probably got
everything we need from this
angle.
We can move on.
I don't like it anymore. Cut.
No, action.
No, cut!
Action!
Cut!
Action!
Cut!
Action!
No action!
Yes action!
No, no!
Action!
I said, "Action!"
I said, "Cut!"
Should we cut?
Yes!
No!
I'm carrying you like a baby.
I have strapped you to my
back in a papoose like I'm an
Indian woman on the plains
fleeing for my life against the
British invaders!
This ends today!
Oh, it's got to end!
You thinking what I'm thinking?
Duel.
Whoa.
That was... we're... that...
we're really on the same page
right now.
Same page.
Here are the rules of the duel.
Ten paces, then start shooting.
You ready?
Ready.
Go.
One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight, nine,
ten.
Oh, no.
High five?
God.
Yeah!
Yeah, let's do it again!
No, he's dead.
Oh.
Oh, Rafi.
None of you saw shit!
He killed himself!
He shot himself while you
were shooting at him?
Yeah, but that's our cover
story!
Get up, you big idiot, get up.
Brian, it's Rafi.
If you're watching this,
I'm dead.
Come to Los Angeles and avenge my death.
Brian, do not let me down in this,
or I swear to God,
I will haunt you
every night...