The League (2009–2015): Season 5, Episode 3 - Chalupa vs. The Cutlet - full transcript

Did you fart?
KEVIN: Yeah.

(chuckling): Yeah.
You can't do that in here.

It's the men's room.
Come on, man.

What country are you from?
I'm from America where you

can fart almost anywhere you
want.

You, sir, are an animal.
I'm not an animal!

I'm a human being.
Humans fart!

Okay, we fart!
Oh, no.

If you can't fart in the
bathroom, then where can you fart?

I was just giving out little
bubbles, little...

PETE: You know, just 'cause



you give it a cute little name
doesn't make you any less than

of a shit bag, okay?
Well, I have been

extraordinarily gassy recently.
We know.

God, this is like a rancid
batch.

I think I still have Ted's AIDS
cocktail floating around down

there.
I don't how those guys put up

with that stuff.
Well, Kevin, the alternative

is the end of Philadelphia,
so...

Hmm, good point.
TACO: Spoiler alert.

I only saw the first half.
I feel like I'm at a

MacArthur family reunion.
I mean, I realize Ruxin is out

of town on business, but where
the hell is Andre?

Have you seen him?
Yeah. He's not doing good.

Went to his place to shower, and
he didn't even get off the couch



to cook me breakfast.
Do you guys think he blames

us a little bit for the whole
Trixie situation?

Why, because of the bachelor
draft thing?

Can you imagine how you would
feel if that whole thing just

blew up in your face?
I think you mean her face.

(laughter, Kevin groans)
Okay, this is what I'm

talking about, okay?
The NFL has a whole bunch of new

rules for safety this season,
right?

Mm-hmm.
Maybe we need to institute a

few of our own, like no
headhunting, no attacking a

defenseless receiver.
I an, if there was ever a

defenseless receiver, it's
Andre.

That's not how we were taught
to play the game.

We were taught, when someone
says something stupid, bam, you

say something back.
All right, you just take it

easy, James Harrison.
This is our best friend we're

talking about.
Fine, I'll do the best I can,

but on game day, when he comes
walking in in some stupid outfit

that an Ecuadorean gay man would
dress his dog up in, then I

don't know what I'm gonna do.
Mm.

JENNY: Oh, Christopher is
gonna love this school.

This play yard's amazing.
Although this playground

looks a little pornographic to
me.

What?! It's not.
Yeah, look, babe.

That tube's like a... like a
shaft, and those spheres...

Look at-- that girl's playing
with the balls.

Stop. Stop doing that.
Look, the-the tube is heading

right towards the pink curtain.
No. Stop.

Which is obviously the labia
minora.

Stop it.
Labia majora.

Oh, God.
I don't know which one.

The labia.
Oh, my God, just stop saying

"labia."
But I'm just saying, you

could be, like, "Oh, hey, Timmy,
show me on the playground where

the man touched you on the
playground."

Oh. Oh, my... Oh, my God!
Is that who I think it is?

That is Jay and Kristin
Cutler... and the Cutlet.

Our kid's gonna go to school
with the Cutlet! Yes!

Our kid is going to go to
school with the Cutlet!

See? I told you, babe.
You go out to dinner, you get

drunk, you go home, you have
sloppy unprotected sex, and

look.
You become best friends with the

Cutlers.
It all works out. I told you!

Ooh.
Whoa!

Not good.
Oh, my gosh.

He has yet to touch his copy of
Mister magazine.

Can you smell that?
Not even a hint of CK One in the

air.

Jesus.
Hi, Andre.

So, this is the man cave, huh?
ANDRE: No.

It's supposed to be the magic
man cave.

A place for all the dudes to
come once I was married.

Defenseless receiver.
Mm-hmm.

Defenseless receiver.
But now I'm not married,

and no dudes want to come in
my man cave.

Hmm.
Andre?

I'm just alone.
It's okay.

I know I wasn't your best man in
marriage.

(whispering): God help me.
But I am prepared to be your

best man in bachelorhood, and...
What?

I will make you forget all
about...

Trixie.
How'd you learn that?

I've been practicing that for
three weeks.

I couldn't get it.
Andre, it took, like, two

minutes to learn.
No wonder why she left.

It's not because I made her
blind.

It's because I'm a terrible
magician.

There are other reasons, too.
Yeah, but...

Man cave was supposed to be
full of magic, but now it's just

a dark, smelly hole.
(Taco and Pete sniff)

Nights were gonna be filled with
ball juggling.

I even had a night for black
magic.

I wanted to learn the ancient
art of sword swallowing.

All right.
Enough, enough. Bye, Andre.

All in my man cave.
Bye, Andre. Sorry.

No one's coming in my man
cave anymore.

Everyone's just pulling out.
How great is this place,

guys?
I know, it's really nice.

Beautiful, absolutely.
I love it.

Oh, oh, I'm sorry. Oh, my...
Oh, that's all right.

So sorry.
I-I apologize.

Okay, see you guys.
Good to see you.

It's okay. Okay, bye.
Good to see you there.

Wow. You look so much like
Jay Cutler.

I get that all the time.
I don't see it, though, really.

Weren't we in a baby class
together?

Oh, wow.
I don't know. I don't. Maybe.

I haven't been back.
Do you know that somebody

actually stole a bottle of my
breast milk?

Unbelievable.
No way!

Yeah.
KEVIN AND JENNY: No!

Oh, it's probably that
Russian mob.

Whoa!
Whoa! Jesu...

Good God!
Holy cow!

Kid's got a cannon.
Probably gets that from his

mother.
Is it just me, or does this

playground look like a sex act?
You know, I was thinking the

same thing.
I'm, like, "This kid looks like

he's about to be ejaculated
right out of that thing.

He's about to be a money shot."
I mean, who puts a pink

curtain on a slide?
I know.

Jungle gym is about to plow
that piece over there.

Yeah.
This kid just keeps rubbing

these balls like they're gonna
do something, you know?

Yeah.
Hey, it's great meeting you,

Kev.
It's good to know there's some

cool parents here.
Kev?

This is amazing!
The MacArthur-Cutler road trip.

No, no, the MacCutler
road trip.

I like that.
Every year, Kev.

Ah, let's get T-shirts made
up.

Jenny, of course.
We would be honored to be

Chalupa Batman's godparents.
Thank you so much.

Hey, Jay, what do you say
tonight we pull the old wife

switcheroo?
I yell "Yahtzee," and we all

switch rooms?
Why not?

Awesome!
Hey, I'm sorry you got to take

one for the team.
What are you gonna do?

Oh, oh, I get it. It's okay.
Cool, cool.

So, uh, I'm sure I'll be seeing
you guys around.

Yeah.
That would be great.

Later, guys.
You, too. So good...

Bye, guys.
See you guys later.

Bye.
Yes! Yes!

They called me Kev!
They called me Kev!

They said we were cool.
I knew these things would

start to pay off.

That's right, I'm gonna be
best friends with Jay Cutler.

Really?
Yeah. I can't wait to leave

you shit sippers in the dust.
Well, I'm glad you're having

a great time, 'cause there is
one among us, namely Andre, who

is doing much worse than we
thought.

Ah.
We're gonna have to do

something to goose that poor
bastard's spirits.

Well, I will not go back to
that spa with him.

I won't do it.
No, we-we may have to let him

win.
The season?

No! Geez, what's wrong with
you? I'm talking one game.

It's week one.
It doesn't really matter

long-term.
Okay, who's he playing?

You know.
Oh.

Yeah.
Okay, you good with that

Taco?
You good with letting him win?

Yeah. I'm cool with it.
It's not up to me, though.

It is totally up to you.
It's your team.

Yeah.
I gave the control of my team

to this guy who hangs out at the
library.

He's a war vet.
He has something called, uh,

PSTD?
You mean PTSD.

No PSTD-- plenty of STDs.
Taco, why aren't you running

your team?
I'm supporting the troops.

And who has time for this
bullshit anyway?

Should be around here.
He likes to sleep in the

reference section.
Sure, why not?

(sniffing)
Yeah, he's here. All right.

(snoring)
Okay. There he is.

Waking him up's a bit of a
process.

(whispering): Penico.
Penico.

I'll take you to Hell with
me, hajji!

Jesus Christ.
Holster your weapon!

Holster your weapon now!
Oh, Christ, sorry. Taco.

Hey, buddy.
Hey, how you doing?

I need my fantasy football
team back.

Oh, so you made your first
billion-- congrats.

Mm, not exactly.
The PBIB's still losing a lot of

market share-- people just
shaking it off.

So as per your orders, the
team is still under my command.

I'm so glad you guys came over.

I know. Me, too.
Thanks for having us.

Of course. I'm sorry the
place is such a wreck.

Our house is ten times worse.
We're just finishing up

construction.
You are?

It's been a real hassle,
especially during the season.

Jay literally cannot focus on
anything but football.

Tell me about it.
When Kevin is in the middle of

football season, he's just...
gone.

Jay has laser focus.
I mean, he pushes his body to

the limit.
Kevin, too.

When he is setting his lineup,
he will lock himself away in the

bathroom for hours.
Laser focused.

Yeah. Yep.
Surprise!

Hey!
Hey.

Where is Jay?
Jay's at work.

Oh.
How's it going, boys?

It's going great.
I'm glad.

You think Jay's gonna come to
the next playdate?

Probably not...
Oh.

...would be my guess.
Hey, can you watch them for just

a second?
I'm gonna go grab some milk.

Yep.
Excuse me.

Okay.
Kevin.

What?
Don't ruin this.

I'm not ruining it.
You're probably ruining it.

What are you... telling her
stories about your college years

again?
No.

"Oh, I got drunk and I pumped
gas naked one time."

That was you!
(laughing): That was awesome.

Oh, my God. Just...
It was like yesterday.

...go. Go before you...
So wasted.

Did you...
I got bubbles.

Oh, my God, I can taste it.
Jenny, the kitchen is gr...

Oh, my God.
Oh.

You guys don't smell anything?
Nothing?

Maybe one of the boys has a
poopy diaper.

Mm-hmm.
Here, bud.

Here's your milk.
Here, you hold it.

Ooh, there you go.

(screaming)
Whoa-ho! What a hit!

Oh, my God, oh...
Oh, my God, oh, my God.

Nice hit!
Are you okay?

Whoa, he took the milk.
Is he all right?

That's breast milk, that's
kind of weird.

Uh, I don't know what...
Yeah.

...just happened.
Um, I'm so sorry he sacked your

son.
Yeah.

That wasn't a sack.
Well, it was a sack and a

strip.
No one sacks a Cutler.

Have you seen your offensive
line?

I think everybody sacked a
Cutler.

Kevin?
Well, my little guy's getting

tired, so we should go.
No, you don't have to go.

Nope, no poopy diaper.
But you should check your slacks

maybe.
Bye.

(door opens, closes)
That went well.

It did not go well.
In fact, Seabiscuit decided to

put on a little bubble show for
the Cutlet.

I was so close to hanging out
with cool people finally.

I hear you, bro.
After being out there, it's hard

to come back in here and listen
to all this mishegoss.

We are not out of this.
The Cutlers are huge on charity.

They're hosting that charity
event for the school at their

house.
We are gonna charity the shit

out of them, you guys.
They are going to love us for

it.
Well, while you guys are

desperately trying to become the
couple that the Cutlers hate the

least, I'd like you to see what
the newest member of our league

is up to.
Not only will he not throw the

game or give up control of
Taco's team, but now he's

posting.
This is Taco and I will be

victorious on the battlefield.
Hey, Taco.

Hey, Andre, I have one
question for you.

Did you ever have to tell a
friend that his dick was blown

off and then you realize it
wasn't your friend, it was you?

You don't know what it means to
lose.

But you will.
I think this will really

cheer up Andre.
I don't think it will cheer

him up at all.
I think it'll do the opposite

actually.
Hey, you know what?

Since the season hasn't started
yet, what do you say we make it

a ten-team league?
I got just the guys.

Oh, it's Will and Ron.
Ten teams!

They're really violent.
Ten teams!

Ten teams!
Yeah, ten teams!

Ten teams, Andre!
Ten teams.

You... (shushes)
What do you mean... (shushes)?

I lost my dick for your freedom!
Have fun on the Fourth of July

while I'm sitting there peeing
like a girl!

I got no dick!
Okay.

And that is the newest member
of our league.

All right, don't worry about
it.

The commissioner will take care
of this.

You should bring a gun.
You turned it into a bong,

Taco.
I did.

Sergeant Penico?
Oh, wasn't there, didn't do

it, wasn't me.
My name's Kevin MacArthur.

I'm-I'm a... Remember the
league?

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, the
commissioner.

I have a proposition for you.
What do you got?

How would you like to meet
Jay Cutler?

Jay Cutler?
Yeah.

I'd love to meet... I mean...
(stammers)... In person?

In person, yeah.
Do you think he'd sign

something for me?
I mean we can ask, we can...

Brought it back from Fallujah.

We'll certainly ask.

Yes, ladies for Andre.
Can I get two vodka tonics, please?

You stay here and just soak this in.

You are single, get used to this.

I don't want to be single, I

want to be with Trixie.
You're looking at this

completely wrong.
Do you remember in the old days

we would watch football and
there was one game on?

Yeah.
Even if it was shitty, even

if it was boring, even if it was
a blowout, you had to commit to

that.
Now we got the RedZone channel,

right?
Being single is the RedZone

channel, okay?
You can watch any game you want.

You can watch two at a time if
you want.

The one with the big butt over
here? Great.

Big boob game, channel 27?
Going over here.

I mean, look at Taco.
This guy, his dick's just

flipping around the channels
willy-nilly.

Did your parents get divorced
when you were young?

Oh, my God, how did you kw
that?

This could be your life.
Yeah... I mean, yeah...

Yeah, yeah, you're seeing it.
You know, it's all good good.

Yeah, well, you know, I don't
think you're using that right,

but yeah.
Okay.

Hey, boys.
You guys see how many Jettas are

parked out back?
Aren't you glad Trixie's dead?

She's not dead, she's blind.
Is it all right if I invited

an Eskimo brother who was in
town?

Yeah, as long as it's not
Sergeant Penico.

No, they don't let crazy
homeless people in this bar.

All right, put this in your
body right now.

Yes.
Oh, vodka?

No, I want a Riesling.
Don't say that, okay?

No, don't.
You just lost 50% of the

dating pool.
Lips to the glass.

Now, stop breathing and drink.
There it is.

Bartender, can I get a
Vaportini, please?

What's that?
It's a way to inhale your

drink.
Light a little flame.

Set the booze on fire.
It vaporizes.

Then it goes straight into your
bloodstream.

Check it out.
(coughing)

No, Officer, I have not been
drinking tonight.

I'm gonna smoke a martini
with you.

Yeah!
Let's do this.

Can we maybe smoke a pisco
sour?

Say, man.
You can smoke whatever you like.

But me personally, I prefer that
good good.

What's up, Snoop?
We're over here.

Snoop is your Eskimo brother?
How do you guys know Snoop?

What's up?
Yeah.

What happened?
Snoop, this is my Eskimo

brother, Pete.
Hey, Pete, how you doing,

brother?
Does that mean that

we're, like...?
Eskimo brothers-in-law.

Family.
And this is the guy I was

talking to you about-- Andre.
Yeah, but you can call me Dre

Dogg.
You know, I gotta say this,

tonight was totally lame,
but now it's all good good.

That's not the right way
to use it.

What do you think about
this outfit, Snoop?

You think this is good good?
On the real?

It's not even one good.
Oh.

It's horrible.
It's a train wreck. Bad bad.

All right, boys,
let's light 'em up.

That's what I'm here for.
All right.

♪
ALL: Smoke your drink!

Good good!
Stop it, Dre!

Ooh-ee, that's the do-it fluid!
Eskimo brother. Whoo!

Ice fishing in the
same hole, baby.

Yeah. I never asked you
this, Snoop: what do you do?

Mm... Yeah!
Bro time.

Bro time!
Oh, boy!

Gentlemen, these ladies
would like to smoke some drinks.

(Taco coughs)
You're getting me wasted.

Getting myself wasted.
You're just here.

Living in the red zone
is amazing.

I can go to you, I can go
to you, I can go to you.

Switch back to you,
and back to you.

I have the power to switch
to anyone.

Wait-- what are you
talking about?

You're switching
to different girls?

Yeah, 'cause if I get
bored with you...

You get bored with me?
Excuse me?

Yeah, I'll be, like, I'm on
this one over here.

Who do you think you are?
I'm an owner of a DirecTV

package that allows me
to have the RedZone.

Bam, bam, bam! I'm single
and I'm loving it!

I'm out, asshole.
You know what?

One game's over, another one's
gonna begin.

What about you?
Okay, that's a man.

I sucked 'em both dry!
But I only have a pair of aces!

No, no.
Nope, not even close.

Pair of aces!
No, not close.

I am actually good at magic.
And I'm gonna invite all of you

to see me perform tonight in
my magic man cave.

Everyone is welcome inside
my man cave.

So come into my man cave!
That's not really as bad

as it sounded.
It sounded bad.

Guys, I forgot to tell you,
come inside the back door,

'cause that's the one
that's always open.

(clicks tongue, laughs)
Did you by any chance

slip anything extra in
his Vaportini?

Yeah, we call it Kush
and Ciroc.

And I may have put some
ketamine in there, too.

Nice.
So, Andre's in a K-hole?

It's a Dre-hole.
(all laugh)

Okay, everyone's gonna come
back to my man cave, and I'm

gonna do some magic.
But first, just for a little

bit, have a nap.
That's right.

Get this over and get a little
comfy cozy and... (sighs).

(woman laughing)
Andre, we're entering

your back door.
Ew. Ooh, this place

is hideous.
Oh, it gets so much worse.

Let me show you something
amazing.

(both laugh)
(woman chuckles)

(both moan)
(woman giggles)

You know, this couch is magic.
Oh, it is?

Oh, yeah.
Oh! (giggles)

Oh, it feels magic.
(both moaning)

Ta-da!
(couple screaming)

Ah, ha-ha-ha! Ta-da!
Jesus, Andre!

I mastered the Man in the Box!

I mastered the Man in the Box!
You know what?

Do me a favor, make my number
disappear, huh?

(Andre laughs)
I mastered Man in the Box.

I was trying to be man
in the box.

Thank you very much. Thank you.
Ta-da!

Oh, shit.
Cheer up, orgy. Whoo!

No, no, no, no, it's a magic,
it's a magic trick.

Oh, God.
Oh, I got to pull out

of this man cave.
Andre, film this.

All right, guys, let's get
a picture.

Get in there.
Yes, you guys, get together

with Sergeant Penico.
This is the veteran I was

telling you guys about.
How did you hurt your ankle?

Was it over in action?
No, no, no, no, I got in a

fight with a dog over
a sandwich.

Geez.
But the, um, I lost my dick

in the war.
Oh, wow.

All right, Sergeant.
Get the picture?

I got it.
Good to see you, Sarge.

Hey, Jay, never let 'em
get you down, Jay.

All right.
That one has my heart.

It's our life's mission to
help reassimilate people

back into society by inviting
them into our fantasy

football league.
Mm-hmm, we call it

"The League of Dreams."
Yes, The League of Dreams.

League of Dreams.
Wow.

That's impressive.
Yeah. We have an AIDS

patient.
Ted.

And a recovering alcoholic.
Chuck. There's Ruxin,

who had severe heart problems.
It's almost as if he's

dead inside.
Taco the drug addict.

Yeah, drug addicts.
I don't even know his

real name.
And then there's Andre,

our saddest case of all.
We never thought we'd get

him back.
No, there was no place

for him in society.
But he's doing

much better now.
He's doing so well,

he is a doctor.
BOTH: Wow.

It's great to give back.
Mm-hmm.

I feel awful because I feel
like we really misjudged

you guys.
Completely.

That seems to happen.
I don't know why.

Yeah.
We should definitely

hang out again.
We would love that.

Oh, sure, yeah.
That'd be great.

Absolutely.
Well, listen, you guys

enjoy the party.
Go have some fun, and we'll

catch up in a little bit.
Awesome.

Thank you.
Okay.

Great, guys, okay.
(Kevin sighs)

We are going to hell.
Yeah, and we're taking

the Cutlers with us.
Yep.

(stomach growling)
Ooh, boy.

"Ooh" what? No. No!
These bubbles need a home.

Fine. Go to the bathroom,
but spray afterwards.

Oh, fine.
So tell me about this

League of Dreams.
The actual fantasy football

knowledge in this league
is pathetic... but the

message boards are great.
Did you see the post when

Jenny's kid drank your
breast milk?

Wait-- what?
When Jenny's kid dra...

when she stole your breast milk.
No.

So you're the one that
stole my breast milk?

No.
Yes, you did.

Okay, yes, but there's a
perfectly good explanation.

Oh, please tell.
Well, Taco was throwing

this huge party...
Whoa. The addict?

Yes. And Kevin's mom kept
testing my breast milk with

these Breastalyzer...
So you stole my breast milk

so that you could get wasted?
I'm sensing a little

judgment here.
Breast milk's good if you

ever...
Like, you just got to flavor it.

Oh, God! Jay!
Maple syrup.

(Kevin groaning)
Oh, I'm gonna blow.

(groans)
Oh, my God!

Need spray! It stinks!
Oh, God!

Oh, no!
Oh, cock, shit, mother, balls!

Kevin? We gotta go!
She's the one that stole

my breast milk.
What?

Kevin, we gotta go.
Oh, my God.

(Kristin gasps)
What did you do?

I spray-painted
their bathroom cabinet.

It must have been left over
from the construction.

Why are you spraying it?
Because I had a bubble.

Dude, you can't do that here.
Well, if you can't fart

in the bathroom, Jay, then I ask
you where can one fart?

You animal! Even in war
you don't do that!

Oh, I got another one coming.
Sorry.