The League (2009–2015): Season 4, Episode 3 - The Freeze Out - full transcript

TACO (sighs): You ever have one
of those weekends where all

you do is have sex?

OTHERS: Oh, yeah, yeah.

Well, last night I was so
sick of it that I had to

fantasize about not having
sex just to get an erection.

You guys know what I'm
talking about, right?

KEVIN: Yeah, of course.

RUXIN: Of course.

JENNY: Guys, you have no idea
what he's talking about.

I guarantee none of you ever
had a weekend like that.

What's the most you've
had sex in one day?



PETE: I... I... Th-Three?

Yeah, I-I max out at three, too.

ANDRE: Does, uh,
masturbation count?

OTHERS: No.

It's a sexual act.

Just out of curiosity, Andre,
how many times have you

masturbated in one day?

Twelve.

What?!

What?!

Well, okay, look, I took Cialis,
and I was supposed to meet a date.

She never showed up, so I just
had to, you know, ride it out.

It was the craziest
brunch ever.

Jenny.



What?

How many times have
you had sex in a day?

I'm not gonna tell you that.

'Scuse you, sir.

Come on, Jenny!

Tell us.

(all speaking at once)

Tell us, Jenny.

Ugh! Fine. Five.

Really?

Five. Kev! Holding out on us.

Nice, buddy! Nice work.

It wasn't with Kevin.

OTHERS: Oh!

(cheering, laughing)

Kev-bo, don't worry about it.

You can top that.

Just slap some Drakkar on, get
yourself a box of wine, and then

pound away on little Petey
until he calls uncle.

Uncle!

Too late.

This place is nice.

Yeah, I take all
my clients here.

It's, like, authentic sushi.

It's got a terrible
name, though.

Spooky Sushi?

I don't know what's so appetizing
about the thought of haunted fish.

Yeah, there are a few Japanese
restaurants that I've been haunted by.

Bad sashimi?

No, miso soup.

It just makes me spray
sour water... ugh.

I will seat you at sushi bar.

Okay, great.

(speaks Japanese)

Okay.

Thank you.

Oh, I'm starving.

Yeah.

I'm sick.

This place is delish.

(speaks Japanese)

Hey, how are you?

I could eat here, like,
five times a day.

You're such a dick, Ruxin.

(speaks Japanese)

What's up, dudes?

So, what can I do for you guys?

Omakase?

That's the chef's choice.

This chef?

You will not be disappointed,

I'll tell you that right now.

I selected the fish myself.

Really?

I'll tell you guys something.

Japanese chefs,
we don't like to

brag, but I got a knack for

selecting the right fish
for the right people.

You know how I do it?

I pick up on your vibe.

I just get your energy.

(speaking Japanese)

(speaking Japanese)

I paint a portrait of you two

dudes with, like... fish.

Huh. Cool.

Excuse me.

Yes?

Is there another table?

'Cause we're very cold.

Cold?

Brr!

It's not cold.

No, there's no other table.

Thank you.

(speaks Japanese)

So, uh, you've been a
sushi chef for a while?

14 years.

Studied a year and a half in.

Japan, where my master, Kenji.

"Nakamaro, says, " Wesley-san,

your hands make poetry of fish."

And then I moved out here.

Wesley-san?

Mmm, hai.

Where are you from?

Uh, I grew up in O-ma-ha.

Where's that?

It's in, like, Nebraska.

Oh, Omaha.

Yeah. Pretty sure
that's what I said.

So you're a Cornhusker, huh?

Hai.

BOTH: Yeah... Um, we...
I got to go.

Yeah. Master of sushi chefs.

So, I got to... get back.

Right. You got to go.

Because I'm white.

BOTH: What?

You heard me.

You're wh... Wait a minute.

It's okay, brothers.

I'm used to it.

You're white?

Arigato, racists.

Okay.

Racist? No, no.

Get out. Huh?

This is classic.

Only you two idiots could be
called racist by a white guy.

We're not racists, okay?

I worked at the
ACLU after college.

Wait, but didn't you quit that
job because of the "stinky"

Greek person"?

Look, Stavros didn't
wear deodorant.

I found it to be a hostile
work environment.

Well, this is an interesting
conundrum, though.

Can you be racist
against your own race?

Like white on white...
is that racist?

You know what, as a foodie, I see
where you guys are coming from.

It's not being racist... it's...
discriminating.

No, it's called
discrimina-tion, okay?

I don't care what it's called...
if I walk into a Thai

massage parlor and I see myself,
there's, like, a 60% chance I'm

turning around.

Exactly. It's the Peyton Hillis
conundrum; it's why white

guys didn't want to draft him.

Oh, so Wesley-san is the scrappy
gym rat of sushi chefs.

Exactly.

Sorry, just to backtrack, there
is a 40% chance that you

would stay and get a
handjob from yourself.

I know what I'm
doing down there.

Hey, hey. You got bigger problems
to worry about... racist.

I think I have to go
back and apologize.

This sushi restaurant is across
the street from me, the food is

terrific... I cannot get
banned from Spooky Sushi.

All right, guys, look, we got
to talk about this weekend.

Paintball... we've been talking
about it forever, okay?

So I finally went ahead and
just booked it for this Sunday.

Who's in?

Can't do it.

I can't do it.

What, you got a Klan rally?

No, we got kids'
birthday parties.

All day.

All day.

You know, these birthday
parties are the worst.

You are stuck there talking to
people you have nothing in

common with, except you had
unprotected sex at the same time.

I love paintball.

I'm definitely in.

Unlike these stiffs, I've
already made my nuts.

All right, Andre,
what's going on?

You know what, I'd love to go
with you guys to Ben's party.

Wait, why would you
go to a kid's party?

You don't have a kid.

It'll be fun.

No, it will not be fun.

It would be creepy.

Why would that be creepy?

I like going, I like children,
I like going to parties.

Andre, you're even
creepy eating corn.

Have you ever watched
yourself eat a piece of corn?

It's like this...
(imitates loud slobbering)

Yeah, you look like a rat
trying to gnaw off its own leg

to avoid a trap.

Hey, you know what, that's
because I'm trying to get all

the corn off the cob.

I mean, you guys...
you have sloppy cobs.

I mean, I've checked 'em out at
picnics, checked 'em out at

parties, checked 'em
out at your house.

I didn't realize you spent this
much time looking at their cobs.

Of course, I check out your
cobs... 'cause I'm spending all

that money on corn.

Your cobs better be clean!

And I'm not ashamed to admit
it... when you guys aren't

looking, I'll lick
your cobs bone-dry.

You ever eat two cobs at once?

(chuckles) Sometimes I'll just
have a whole meal of cobs.

Just, like, two fistfuls?

Just double-fisting?

(grunting sounds)

No, see, I would never
grab it by the base.

I would start at the tip.

So, come on, guys, really?

You really can't come?

Can't do it.

Wow. So this is the weekend of
the haves and the have-nots.

I got to say...
I'm glad to be a have-not.

Amen, brother.

Have fun, boys.

What?

Screw him.

Why would he do that?

It's just bullshit that he
rubs it in our face like that.

Like, "Oh, I don't have kids, so
now I have time to deal with"

fantasy football and go You know
what, here's what paintballing."

we'll do... we'll
freeze him out.

How are you gonna do that?

Informational freeze-out.

He's not gonna be around a
computer, he's not gonna be

around a television... he's gonna
want fantasy football information.

But he's gonna have
his phone on him.

Oh, you mean this phone?

You stole his phone?

Whoa. What a diabolical plan, like
Schwarzenegger in Batman

and Robin.

(like Schwarzenegger):
Hello, Pete.

I hope you have a
nice freeze-out.

Yeah, you're not
coming to this party.

Anyway, Wesley-san, so, I
just wanted to apologize for

Kevin, 'cause... No, no, no.
(speaks Japanese)

...my buddy's racist.

I felt it.

He's a self-hating white guy.

I get it, but that's not you.

You like your rice white...
why not your chef?

Am I right?

See, I love white guys.

Hai.

I mean, I've been drafting.

Peyton Hillis since
he was on Denver.

Ah, before he started kicking
ass in Kan-sa City!

Yeah, Kan-sa City.

So, Ruxin-san, omakase?

Yeah, chef's choice.

I'm picking up on
your vibe right now.

What are you thinking, like
a spicy tuna hand roll?

That's not you, man.

I see the dark,
the complicated.

Ruxin-san, a lot of shit
going on in there, man.

That's why you're like uni.

And what's uni?

Sea urchin, bro.

Sea urchin?

Mmm, yummy-umah.

'Cause it looks like the
aftermath of a lipo surgery.

So we don't like, fry this up?

Oh, no, dame, no.

It's killer sush, dude.

Okay.

(whispers): Am I supposed
to eat this just like this?

Mmm.

Ah, you love it?

You can really taste the urchin.

Okay now, Ruxin-san,
ready for amaebi?

And what is that?

Live shrimp, dude.

And I just... I...
You don't even feign preparation

for this.

Trust me, you'll love it.

Dude, I love white dudes.

So why would I love eating a

live shrimp marginally
prepared by one?

Hai!

Hai!

Hai!

Hi.

Hai!

(groans)

No, I have no idea where your

cell phone is, Pete, but I
will keep an eye out for it.

Okay.

(groans) Two birthday
parties tomorrow.

Patricia's kid and Ben's kid.

What?

Five, huh?

Oh, Kevin, come on.

I just blurted out a number.

Oh, okay, so what's the
real number then?

Five.

Oh, my God, woman!

Did you even have
time to eat or

bathe yourself in between?

Well, one was in the shower.

Fine, who was it?

I want to know who it was.

It was ages ago, Kevin.

I tell you about my
sexual history.

I don't want to know.

I have to tell you,
otherwise I might forget.

(groans)

Just tell me who it was.

It was in college.

And who was it?

It was Ben.

Ben?

Ben, like we're going to that

kid's birthday party, Ben?

That guy?

God! I mean, what is he?

He's got four kids.

He's like a jackhammer,
just ba-ba-boom.

It doesn't matter.

It's not a competition.

It wasn't, but now it is.

Really?

Yeah, we're gonna
break that record.

Really?

You and I, let's do it.

Okay.

Yeah, let's go, come on.

Okay.

We can do this. Okay.

What are you doing?

Need to get my strength up.

(groaning): One!

Oh, I see stars.

All right, listen up.

The name of the game is
"Capture the Flag."

If you are shot, you
are eliminated.

Put your barrel plugs in your

weapons, raise your hand,
walk off the field.

Guess what I have?

Holy shit, that's my phone.

Where'd you find it?

Kevin found it at our house.

Whatever, just give
me the phone.

What language is this?

Is this Portuguese?

Yep.

(phone ringing)

Oh, well.

Hello?

(laughing over phone)

Kevin, change it back.

Well, I would, but I don't
speak Portuguese, so...

Come on, it's Sunday.

I need to check my scores.

With all my terrible, boring

responsibilities today, I don't

know if I'd have time to do

something fun like switch your

phone back from Portuguese.

Ata a vista.

No... Dick.

Masks must be worn at all times.

No head, neck, or groin
shots within ten feet.

Give me some space
here, commando?

What's up?

Oh, shit.

(groans) What?

Raffi, what the hell
are you doing here?

Paintball.

Taco put it on his myface page.

I figured I was invited.

Please don't tell me
he's on our team?

Oh, yeah, I'm on your team.

I don't like it either, guys.

I'm more of an army of
one kind of a guy.

What smells like feces?

Huh? Oh, yeah, that's me.

Yeah, no, I've been living out

here for like, three or four

days, you know, getting
the lay of the land.

Most of my meals
are coming from

second harvest, though.

What's second harvest?

You know, animals don't
digest everything they eat.

You can find a lot perfectly

edible food in their droppings.

Holy s... is that a real gun?

What?
No, this is a paintball gun.

What are you, crazy?

The other two are real, though.

Only when you hear me blow
this whistle will the game

begin.

Guess what?

Game just began.

Murder!

(gunshots)

We're gonna win.

My business is killing me, man.

I'm in the middle of trying
to break this sex record.

How many times have you had sex?

Four times in the last 18 hours.

That doesn't sound fun to me.

It's grueling.

I think the third time, between
us, nothing came out.

Like my dick just dry heaved.

I feel like I'm running some
sort of sexual marathon.

Buddy, you're up cock-break
hill right now.

Whoa, did someone say a marathon?
A what?

A marathon? A what?

A marathon? A what?

Guys, come on.

You can't do it to yourself.

I could do it to myself.

I just did it.

What are you doing here, Andre?

You don't even have a kid.

You guys have been
holding out on me.

I'm meeting people I haven't
seen in a long time.

I'm having some delicious food,

and I'm getting to entertain

these kids because guess what?

The magic man is on the loose.

No, magic is creepy for adults.

You will give these
children nightmares.

Is Lance Burton creepy?

Yep.

Oh, Kevin.

What?

The Amazing Andre is
experiencing something...

Don't touch me.

...within you.

You may not know this about me,

but I have the power... Oh, God.

...of the dark arts.

If you... Oh, God.

They say that you can manifest
anything that you think

of, and it's all right there.

Oh, my sweet God.

So now, my question to you
is what do you believe in?

What do you want to... ta-da!

Jesus, Andre, if you do that

to a child, they're gonna
shut this place down faster

than Penn State.

Oh, come on, it's fun.

No, it's not fun, it's weird.

Yes.

Party people.

What, what?

Thank you guys so
much for coming.

Thanks for having us.

You got a bathroom I could use?

Yeah, the guest room is
right down the hall.

What about the master?

No chance.

Worth a shot.

I'm gonna go blow
that thing up.

All right, well, uh, the
magician must prepare, so...

Oh, what's that?

(laughs)

He get you?

Well, not really, but
I went with it.

It's so great to see you again.

You, too.
You really just had a kid?

Yeah.

You look fantastic.

Oh, stop it.

And you have four, right?

Well, we want six.

Really?

Yeah. We'd like to, you know?

Get a hobby.

That is our hobby.

Yeah, he's good at it, so...
Thank you.

Thank you guys so much.

Yeah, this was great.

Thank you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Kevin.

What a D. That's it, babe.

Are you kidding?

We're breaking that record
today, right here.

Right here on the grass?

In that tree.

(gunfire)

Go, go, go.

Go, go.

(panting)

Go, go, go.

Get down, down! Down, down!

(laughs)

This is awesome.

This is amazing.

These guys are totally
missing out.

Check out what I brought.

Paint knife for close quarters.

Where did you get this?

I got a paint knife guy.

You literally brought a paint

knife to a paint gun fight.

All right, I got to get
a fantasy update.

Eat paint, dick hole!

Guys, what's going
on with the games?

I need a score update.

Um, I don't know, your team

could be doing muito ruim.

Or muito bom.

Enough. Just tell me,
am I winning or not?

(laughs) Eat it, dick.

Assholes! They're freezing
me out, aren't they?

It's a freeze-out.

Looks like it.

Shit. Here.

Do something with this.

I got you!

Hey! I got you!

Lie down and die!

There you go. I fixed it.

Taco, this is Japanese.

Yeah, I know a bit of Japanese.

Well, am I winning? Read it.

No, I can't read Japanese.

You have to read it to me,
and I understand it.

All right, enough playing

around... we need to focus up.

This is a war zone.

I've got a P.O.W. camp two

clicks north of here in
case we capture somebody.

Raffi, where the hell do you
think you are right now?

Vietnam, man. Vietnam!

You were in Vietnam?

Yeah, 2007, actually, on a
pretty intense sexual

holiday.

It was pretty cool.

I had this one girl, she
was back like this.

(gunshot, grunts)

Ow! Something stung me.

What is it?

Yeah, you got shot.

What? No, I put that paint

there before the whole thing

started, so it's not that big a

deal; don't worry about it.

Ow! What is that?

You're out of the game.

No, I'm not.

This is not a game.

This is war, okay, tall guy?

And as far as I'm concerned,
you're now the enemy.

I'll see you guys in hell.

Gattaca!

Did he say "Gattaca"?

Uh-huh.

Come and get me!

Come and get me!

(screams, gunfire)

Eat my dick!

Gattaca!

Oh, shit, Raffi went rogue.

Come and get me!

Oh, God.

Hey, Wesley-san.

Hey.

Ruxin.

Ruxin-san, yeah.

This is my wife Yumiko.

Yumiko, Ruxin.

Konichiwa.

Sorry, bro, no English.

Shocker.

(speaking Japanese)

Konichiwa.

Konichiwa. Totally, totally.

All right, babe, okay.

Wow.

So you married yourself
a Japanese girl, huh?

Yeah.

How about that.

Interesting, yeah.

Ooh, how so?

Well, it's just funny 'cause you
called me a white racist for

choosing an Asian chef, and then
you had your run of all the

white women in the world and you
chose yourself an Asian girl.

I mean, it's just interesting.

You lost me, bro.

Dude, you're a white racist.

I'm not racist, bro.

Really?

Japanese beer? Hokkaido?

I just prefer it.

You don't see this?

You don't see my point?

Super frustrating, bro.

Super frustrating, bro.

(multiple gunshots)

Oh!

Oh, shit!

Jesus Christ!

We're getting pinned down bad.

Gattaca!

Oh, shit, Raffi's trying
to kill us, too.

Gattaca!

I didn't think he'd
seen that movie.

He wouldn't be yelling
that if he had.

Shit, man!
I gotta get my scores.

(ringing)

Okay, hey, Pete, guess what?

I'm in the middle of something.

You're not getting
these scores, Pete.

Stop saying "Pete," okay?

Okay, no more Pete.

All right, let's get
a picture of this.

Wait.

Me crossing the finish line!

Kevin... Switching to video.

No, Kevin! Stop!

Switching back!

And here we... Oh!

Oh, what?

Oh, God, I got a cramp!

What?

I got a cramp!

I'm going down!

Are you okay?

I finished.

Yay.

Fives.

All right, we're
running out of time.

We're gonna have to blast
our way out of here.

Yeah, we need to win this thing.

No, I don't give a shit
about the paintball.

I gotta get my scores.

You ready?

Yeah.

BOTH: Three... two... one.

I slept with Megan.

What?

Go!

Whoo!

What?!

(rapid gunfire)

Let's go!

BOTH: Yah!

(rapid gunfire)

Break left!

Paint knife!

(both yell)

Let's get out of here!

Pete!

What?

The flag! We can win this.

(Japanese ringtone plays)

Oh, now Kevin decides to call.

How did you turn my
ringtone Japanese?

Sorry, tall guy.

(Raffi yells)

Welcome to Gattaca, asshole!

That was a terrible movie.

Wait. It's a movie?

I can feel your penis in
the back of my head.

It's a war boner, man.

Oh! (Sighs)

Did you just pee on me?

Oh, man, we just shared
something, Taco.

Oh!

Wouldn't it be magic, kids,

if the Amazing Andre knew every

card before he called them?

Is it a nine?

Is it a eight?

Is it a...?

(knocking on door)

Hi. Someone's in here.

I ripped my groin, Andre.

Ow! Move!

What?

What do I do?

My groin's killing me!

Sports rub, maybe.

I don't know.

Sports rub.

All right, get out. Get out!

All right!

God! Oh! Oh, thank God!

Please, can I just get up
into that master bath?

Buddy, I told you, master
bath's off-limits, okay?

I just need a 20-minute
master bath sesh.

I need access to a shower,

I need some quality magazines.

(groans)

Man, you know your problem?

You're eating all this candy

like you're a little shit pig.

It's not the food, man.

It's that goddamn
white sushi chef.

He gave me food poisoning.

No, man.

You been to Spooky Sushi?

Yeah, and it's haunting me.

Hey, Ku Klux Kabachi,
what's up, Wesley-san?

Hey, Ruxin. Bree, bro, brat-san.

What's up, Wesley-san?

What's up, buddy?

You don't look so good.

Yeah, it's 'cause you gave

me food poisoning last night.

Japanese chef would
never poison you.

Yeah, I don't think
you're a Japanese chef.

I consider you a white dude
from Oma-ha who can't make

sush for shit!

Whoa, bro...
In fact, I would rather have

your son here make me sashimi
than have you make me a

veggie roll.

Bro, you got to back off now.

Or what? You gonna whip out
some cornhusker ka-ra-te?

I don't want to, but I will.

Well, if you're as good at

karate as you are making sushi,

I think I'm gonna be just fine.

Bro, you really think
I poisoned you?

Hai!

Hai!

(Ruxin groans)

Oh, hai!

Oh, my God, Ruxin!

Oh, the sush is loosh!

Fine, buddy, you can
use the master.

This guy fed me SpongeBob.

SquarePants, and now I'm gonna

die, like in Alien!

I'm gonna poke you in
a few places, okay?

Does this hurt?

Oh, God, yes!

It's appendicitis.

Call an ambulance!

It's what?

Appendicitis.

My bad, bro.

Am I still paying for
the Spooky Sushi?

Hai!

Hai, bro.

Who had such a stinky diaper?

Did you have such
a stinky diaper?

I'm in trouble.

Oh, baby, baby!

I was applying some sports rub,
and I was lathering up, and

some of it got in my tailpipe!

It's burning so bad!

Okay, okay, lay down.

Lay down. Lay... down.

Ow, ow, ow! Oh, God!

Just take these off.

Help, help, help, help!

Oh, God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, it hurts so bad!

Yeah, I'm gonna
take a wipe, okay?

Got a piece of that record!

You did so good.

Oh, I'm a grown-ass man
and I did it... oh, God!

You are a grown-ass
man, and you did it.

Okay, does that feel
better on you bum-bum?

(baby cries)

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Oh, my poor boys.

Oh, no.

Hey, Ruxin had appendicitis.

Oh, I didn't know you
guys were doing this.

Wait, Ben... I tied your
sex record, buddy.

What? Come on, guys!

Really? Six times in
my daughter's bedroom?

Thank you.

And it's her birthday.

By the way, that doesn't count.

But I am gonna try it.

Did he say six times?

Whoops.