The League (2009–2015): Season 4, Episode 2 - The Hoodie - full transcript

KEVIN: Guys, football is back,
it's the first game of the season.

It's like nothing else matters now.

PETE: Oh, yes, come on.

ANDRE: Oh, are you kidding me?

Ogletree.

This guy picks up Ogletree off the
waiver wire, then, boom, two touchdowns.

I got a little system.

RUXIN: Look, Pete, we all have systems.

Yeah, but my system actually works.

Oh, really?

Yeah, look, I just look at
all the players that are



available, I give them plus
ones or minus ones for all the

attributes, and it actually
kind of works for women, too.

How so?

Look, we all know, after the
draft, there's not too much

talent left on the free
agency market, right?

The same thing is true for women
after the age of 28 'cause all

the good ones are basically taken.

Yeah, they've been drafted
to other people's teams.

And those who are left, myself
included, have a ton of baggage.

Maybe it's a bad hamstring, maybe
she's got daddy issues, you know.

This allows me to ferret it all
out and make the right pick.

Wait a second, so you live
your dating life like you're

just choosing someone
off the waiver wire?

Pretty much, yeah.



I mean, look, here's an example.

These three nice ladies over here.

The one in the middle...
she's beautiful.

That gives her a plus two,
but look closely under the

fingernails... there's some chalk.

Means she's probably a
teacher, has to get up early.

That's a big minus one for me.

Also, very expensive necklace... not
affordable on a teacher's salary.

That means she's probably taken.

That gives her a minus two,
which means I got to find

another player to pick up.

Wow.

Hey there, I'm Pete.

How's it going?

Hey. Milana.

No, I could never do this
because I'm not good at math.

I'd lose track of the numbers.

Can't believe that worked.

TACO: Hold on, I'm gonna try this.

I'm gonna pick up Kevin's
beer off the waiver wire.

No, that's just stealing,
Taco, it's theft.

Mmm.

Uh-uh, I don't have time to teach
you how to play fantasy football.

Plus one, minus one.

And zero.

So, how's the new pediatrician?

JENNY: Dr. Levenson is fantastic.

Good.

Ellie has a rash, though.

Probably gonna have to go back.

Oh.

Um, and then next week we're
gonna have to bring Christopher

in for his circumcision.

What, wait... circumcision?

We're, we're doing that?

Why wouldn't we?

Because we haven't even had
a discussion about it.

What is there to talk about?

What is there to talk about?

I mean, you're taking
a piece of him away.

Yeah, then folding it back.

No, chopped off and then taken
to some foreskin wonderland.

Okay, you know what?

We're not done discussing this yet.

I haven't made my full argument.

I'm gonna go to the restroom,
collect my thoughts, and when I

come back, we'll continue
this conversation.

Okay, you do that.

Just one?

I can do this in one.

What's it like being counsel for Taco
Corp now that he actually has some money?

There are more meetings, and
they're longer, and he keeps

talking about some corporate
retreat, which I know is just a

sweat lodge at Burning Man.

Coming through.

Hey, guys.

(sighs)

I am loving this waiver wire stuff.

What's with the bike, Taco?

Oh, that was on some guy's front porch,
and I picked it up off the waiver wire.

That's stealing.

And now I'm going to pick this plate
up off the waiver wire as well.

That's also stealing.

Hey, guys.

Oh, hey, Sutton, how are you?

Hey, what's up?

Good to see you.

How you been?

Hey, good... oh, hey.

Hey, good to see... Andre, please.

No, it's okay.

Thank you.

What's going on?

I haven't seen you and
Roger around lately.

Oh, yeah, you guys don't know.

We broke up.

Oh, sorry.

Wow.

No, no, I-it's totally fine.

We, we just weren't
right for each other.

You guys are just having sex now?

(laughing): No, no, I... Clean break.

Okay, well, anyhow, welcome to the
terrible world of being single.

No, I am so excited.

I can't wait to just
get back out there.

We'll catch up soon.

Yeah, totally.

It's good to see you guys.

Good to see you.

Yeah, see you.

ALL: Bye.

I'll, I'll bump you a text.

Sutton is suddenly single, guys.

So she's on the waiver wire.

Yeah, and who will pick her up first?

I got priority.

She talked to me first.

She hugged me, she grabbed
my elbow before she left.

You're kidding me.

I have priority.

I haven't touched a
boob in, like, a year.

I should have priority.

I masturbated to her,
like, six years ago.

Taco, you have a bike,
you have a sandwich.

That's enough, okay? Honestly.

Uh-uh.

Oh, you're disgusting.

I dropped the sandwich.

As your commissioner, I believe
that I should weigh in on this.

You're not our life commissioner.

I am indeed your life
commissioner, and in so I have

decided that Pete has priority.

Oh.

Bullshit... no, no, no, no, you
can't tell me what to do.

You're not a god.

I'm the closest thing to
God you shits ever got.

She wants to chop the top
of my son's dick off!

Hello, Kevin, nice to see you, too.

Jenny wants to rip the foreskin
off of baby Christopher.

ALL: Chalupa Batman.

Fine. You know, it's unthinkable to me.

I mean, it's archaic and unnecessary.

As a doctor, it is not archaic.

It's very common.

Foreskin is a McArthur family
tradition like alcoholism.

Look, show you.

What are you doing?

Yeah, look at that.

Just, just hold on.

I'm just gonna give an example.

Look how beautiful and
smooth this looks.

A hoodie.

How do you wash it?

It's easy.

You just got to get in
there with soap and water.

Scrub it up.

Guys, guys, guys, I'm
not a human dick, okay?

I think history has proven otherwise.

But here's the thing.

For me, why even bother with washing
it when it can be down here?

I mean, that's what you want
to have sex with, right?

You got a Corvette, you
rock it with the top down.

Well, I like my hoodie up, like
Belichick on a cold December Sunday.

All right, fine, The McAsterisk
boys have made their claims.

Obviously, we know where we stand.

Andre, where are you at?

To each his own.

Well, what are you, cut or uncut?

You guys are ridiculous.

Why are you sipping water like you're
testifying in front of Congress?

'Cause it's personal and it's private
and it's none of your business.

Andre, you blog about everything.

I don't blog about everything.

I blog about magic and
sometimes Don Henley.

Is this weird that we've
known you for literally this

long and we don't know what
your penis looks like?

But you threw him in the lake
nude when we were in high school.

Yeah, I wasn't looking at his crotch.

Oh, you didn't want to cheat on Kevin.

I've seen his balls a few
times, but never his dick.

Guys, you're perverts, all
right, and it's none of your

business and you'll never know,
and that's it, case closed.

As the Commissioner, I demand to
know what your penis looks like!

Okay, I'm recusing myself
from this situation.

Thank you very much.

And I'm taking your bike.

No, no, no, you do not have priority.

Thank you.

SHIVA: What's with Ruxin?

Is he walking again?

Oh, yeah, yeah, he's walking, sleeping
in a crypt, afraid of garlic.

He came in last place in the league,
which, by the way, I won last year.

I won the Shiva, huh?

Congratulations.

Thank you.

Also kind of creepy.

No, you're taking it the wrong way.

I won you! I own you!

Way worse, in fact.

Why?

Kevin, your trophy is the Shiva.

I am Shiva.

I am not a sloppily made
symbol of your lost youth.

Fine. I'm sorry.

I didn't want this to be weird.

I just came here to
talk about foreskin.

I thought you were here to
talk about the reunion.

No, no, that was just a brilliant
ploy to get in the door.

Of course it was.

I need you to tell my wife that it's
better for my son to be uncircumcised.

(Shiva chuckles)

You can do this, right?

No, I'm not doing that.

That's inappropriate.

I came up with this affidavit.

If you would just sign it.

Okay. "I, Shiva Komedi
Somakanakram, do by so solemnly"

swear that Kevin McArthur
and I had great sex"...?

Oh, Kevin, we were 16.

It was in the back of Pete's mom's car.

Can I put down "satisfied"

then?

It didn't even last a
whole Aerosmith song.

So, "acceptable"?

All right?

What?! Oh, come on.

This is something that you
should be talking to your

pediatrician about,
maybe a psychiatrist.

I don't know. Maybe both.

Well, Dr. Levenson is not on my team, so...
Oh, you guys are with Levenson?

Yeah.

Oh, he's really cute.

Cute?

Yeah. You met him, right?

No, I haven't met him.

Well, what does he look like?

Oh. Um...

So cute.

Yale grad, John Hopkins Medical.

Such a catch.

I got... I got to go.

Um... with-with your permission, I'm
gonna forge your signature on this.

Do not have my permission.

Thank you!

Hi, babe. Wash up.

You can help me with dinner, okay?

Okay.

Great.

Hey.

Hey.

How was the doctor?

I heard he's good-looking.

He was great.

Ellie still has this rash.

No, no, I said "good-looking."

What? He's a great doctor.

He's wonderful with Christopher, and
Ellie loves him, don't ya, babe?

Yeah, I also really like the perfume
that you wear to the doctor's office.

Oh, the perfume you wear
to the doctor's office!

I bet you smell magnificent!

Ellie, come here for a second.

Show me on this doll where
the doctor touches Mommy.

Be specific.

Kevin, stop it!

Ellie, go wash up for dinner.

You are being ridiculous!

Am I?

Yes, Dr. Levenson is
a wonderful doctor!

You know, I'm beginning to put
this whole thing together.

This is all a big ploy
to get circumcised.

You want our son to get a Levenson.

You probably wish I had a Levenson.

I can't believe you've turned
this whole thing into a

conversation about your penis.

You know what? I just figured
you enjoyed my leading man.

I do. He's more of a character
actor, but I enjoy him.

Fine. You know what?

Character actors work all the time.

I have the Stephen Tobolowsky of dicks.

And that's wonderful.

But for our son, I want
him to have a Brad Pitt.

Well, he's gonna get a
Stephen Tobolowsky.

He's gonna get Brad Pitt.

Tobolowsky!

Brad Pitt.

Well, you know, it's time to
make a decision about this.

How are we gonna do that?

We're playing each other this weekend.

How about we play for
our son's foreskin?

Bring it on.

Thank you.

Sutton!

Hey! (Chuckles)

This is crazy!

What are you doing here?

This is so weird to bump
into you twice here.

It's absolutely insane.

Except that it's not because
I've been having all of my

lunches here since I found
out you work nearby.

This is seriously my
third sandwich today.

You are late.

I know, I had a meeting.

Oh, a meeting. Oh, okay.

Well, I'm glad you brought that
up because, um, how do you feel

about night meetings?

You mean, like, a date?

Well, those are your words,
not mine, but, but yeah.

I mean, if you were free on
Saturday night, would you be

interested in having a
night meeting with me?

I can't.

Oh, is it, is it too
soon with Roger and...?

No, no, no, no, actually I'm
going out with your friend Taco.

Taco?

Yeah, I bumped into him outside my
apartment, and he asked me out.

What was Taco doing
outside your apartment?

I don't know.

He said he worked for the phone
company, but it looked like he

was just taking a nap.

And you're going out with
this person Saturday night?

I am, yeah. It should be fun.

So I'll catch you later.

Okay.

Bye.

Bring your wallet.

Hi. Um, I'm gonna put this back.

Taco, you have three
girlfriends already.

I need a backup.

People die all the time.

A month ago, I had four girlfriends.

Rest in peace, Oksana.

Goddamn that mountain lion.

Just throw me a bone, will ya, okay?

You don't need this one.

Girls are like kickers, you
can never have enough.

Taco, you don't need a lot of kickers!

When are you gonna get
that through your head?

When I drop her, you can pick her up.

Gentlemen, gentlemen.

As your life commissioner,
I'd love to help out.

So, in this case, I think Pete
needs a lady, and Taco could

use a wide receiver.

So maybe there could be a trade here.

Actually, not a bad idea.

Go on.

What do you think about Golden Tate?

That's my favorite cereal.

♪ Golden Tate, put it in your... ♪

Sounds like we got a deal.

Nuh-uh-uh-uh.

Sutton is worth a lot more
than a mediocre wide receiver.

I'd say that she's worth Greg Jennings.

No, okay, look, Sutton
is an attractive girl.

Is she Greg Jennings hot?

No, but she might be Eric Decker hot.

No-no-no-no-no, tell me more
about this Greg Jennings guy.

Fine, fine, Greg Jennings.

As Commissioner, I sanctify this
trade and so on and so forth.

All right, listen, I need your help with
my lineup, or my son Chalupa Batman is

gonna get the worst
buzz cut of his life.

What are you talking about?

I am playing Jenny this
week for my son's foreskin.

Wait, so we're in the
National Foreskin League?

Yeah, we're all playing to
get into the Sheatha Bowl.

Are we finished now?

No, I'm sorry, you're finished
because there's no way

you're beating Jenny this week.

The over/under on your kid's
schwanz, is that kid getting

his D shorn from base to tip.

Poor little Chalupa is gonna
lose his crispy outer shell.

Can you not speak of my son's
member as if it was fourthmeal?

I'm doing everything
I can do here, guys.

I even made a pilgrimage to
see Shiva, who, by the way,

is not happy that her picture
is still on the trophy.

Really?!

Yeah, I would consider that an honor.

Washington Headskins!

Oh, nice.

You have to excuse Taco.

He's on a five-second tape delay.

Guys, I just left a killer
message for Sutton.

It looks like Andre's gonna
get a little date action.

I don't think so.

I just traded for her.

What are you talking about
you traded for her?

I have priority.

It's been months.

Come on. It's not fair!

Talk to the commissioner.

Look, Andre, I approved this trade.

I think you're gonna have
to take care of yourself.

Stop it, all right?

It's a hoodie, I do not
look like a penis, okay?

Give me a break, all right, 'cause
I got into a thing this morning.

Hit my head on the car and...
Oh, you should sit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, come here.

You have a serious head injury, yeah.

Come on, man.

Poor you.

You should rest your arms,
take a nice deep breath.

Why don't you lower your head
to your chest just a little.

But your chin.

It'll help your breathing.

Oh, breathing. Okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Now you know what?

Straighten him up a little bit.

Straighten him up.

Tell you what, let's get
this a little more erect.

Work the helmets.

Oh, yeah, I should rub these helmets.

How are you feeling?

That feels good, yeah.

Andre, straighten it up a little bit.

Stiffen up a little.

Does that feel good?

Yeah, feels really good.

Feels good?

Oh!

Perfect.

You feel all right?

I feel spent.

Whoo! I got to hit the sack, I think.

Okay, why don't you
go take a little nap?

Go take a nap.

All right.

We'll clean up for you, bud.

All right.

Congratulations.

Yeah. Well, well... Look at this.
Look at that.

Oh, money shot.

So, Shiva, I was in the
neighborhood and thought I'd

come by and talk to you a
little bit about the reunion.

Save it. Kevin was in here a few
days ago with the same excuse.

Why was Kevin here?

He wanted me to sign some
piece of paper that said I

enjoyed having sex with him
because he wasn't circumcised.

What a pig!

But here we are, just a
couple gals chatting away.

Why don't you just, like, dish to me
about what Andre's crank is like?

His what?

Yeah, his little Ed Hardy.

His Mr. Magoo.

Why do you care?

Because he won't tell me,
and I think that's rude.

Well, it's his penis, and he can
do whatever he wants with it.

Look, I'm not asking for his
Social Security number, I just

want the 411 on his little fatty.

Why would I tell you this?

Because I can have that
unfortunate picture of you from

high school taken off of our trophy.

How?

Haven't you heard?

I'm the commissioner.

What are you doing, Green Bay?

Wrap him up and tackle him.

I will take any points
from Frank Gore right now.

You know what? I can't wait
to tell little baby Chalupa

Batman that the very nature of his donger
was determined by a garbage time TD.

How's that Shiva bowl going?

Wait, wait, wait, wait...
what happened to the hoodie?

Okay, I'm not wearing
the hoodie anymore.

Had enough about the hoodie.

Changed into something where you
can't make fun of me, okay?

Andre, now it kind of looks like
your head's coming out of a vagina.

Actually, I see what he's
talking about because you have

a labia minora, labia majora...
Yes, it's called a polo shirt

and a sweater, okay?

And when did you guys become
gynecologists over here?

Here's all the pubic hair.

You got to trim this.

What's that little button
on the front there?

It's a clit.

It's not a clit.

It's a clasp.

You like to twist that up?

No, no, you don't twist it, babe.

What you do, you take it, you
just give it a little flip.

Take it from the bean flicking master.

You got to get really
aggressive with it.

Stop, stop that.

I like to rest my helmet
right on it and just rub it.

You know what, you're all perverts.
You're all, you're disgusting.

You're getting all wet.

I'm gonna bring you home.

(laughter)

Half!

Shiva?

What do you mean, half?

Andre is half circumcised.

What?

What?

Wait, how do you have half a foreskin?

Guess that would make it a two-skin?

Is that even possible?

It is possible.

Sometimes, when attempting to
circumcise a macrosomia... What's that?

It's a big, fat baby.

One encounters problems removing
the entire foreskin because of

the super pubic fatty tissue.

Baby fupa.

Baby fupa!

We call it a buried penis.

I'm sorry, I misspoke.

A buried penis.

So basically, Andre's
doctor got what he could.

Just like scraping the barnacles off
a boat blindfolded in rough seas.

Oh, no.

Thank you.

Why would you do this?

I thought we were cool.

We are cool.

It's just that Rodney promised
that, as commissioner, he would

use his powers to take my
photo off of the trophy.

What?

Wait, what? No.

I did not agree to that.

Ruxin, you can't do that.

You need a league vote
for something like that.

You promised.

Okay, come on, guys.

No!

I'm sorry, no.

Can't do it.

Oh, tried my hardest.

Sorry, Shivs.

You're gonna double-cross me?

You know what? This is bullshit.

Hey.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

This league is a pain in my ass.

I didn't ask to be a part
of it, and I want out.

But you're the Shiva.

That's right, I am the Shiva.

Totally.

And the Shiva is angry.

This league does not have
the Shiva's blessing.

This year will go badly for everyone.

The Shiva has spoken.

Hate the new furniture, Andre.

A little dramatic for a
urologist, don't you think?

I think that was a pox.

I knew she was a witch doctor.

Let's just get back to the game.

Yes, Frank Gore!

(groaning)

Garbage time TD.

There goes baby Chalupa's foreskin.

His name is Christopher, and because I
won, Belichick is losing the hoodie.

Oh, this is me, so... Oh, cool.

Yeah.

Well, that was really fun, and I look
forward to future meetings, and it was...

Yeah.

It's really... Oh.

Um, um.

I just missed.

This is awkward, um... I had a really
great time tonight, but, um, I just...

I don't think that this is gonna work.

You know that already?

Yeah, I'm getting older, and I
feel like a lot of guys, they

have baggage, so I've just, I've had to, uh...
Implement a system.

Exactly, yes.

I understand.

All right, I hate to
ask, but how did I do?

Okay, full head of hair, plus one.

Confident, plus one.

I like that you stalked me in the
food court for a while, plus one.

This is good.

You're thorough.

But there's the immaturity, minus one.

Fear of commitment, minus one.

That's right.

You had three drinks, minus one.

You had four.

You were in the bathroom
so long, minus one.

Wait, wait, wait, there was a
line there; we discussed this.

I stand by that.

For the men's room? Come on.

Bragging about how much
sleep you get, minus one.

It's a nice quality.

And you didn't have to tell me
what celebrity every single

person in the restaurant looked like.

I'm still convinced that guy
might have been Tony Danza.

Minus one, and I'm not even
gonna get into the whole thing

about how you're still friends
with my ex-boyfriend, and I'm

sure you've talked about
what I'm like in bed.

Sutton, I would never do...
All right, minus one.

So that's minus seven.

(Pete exhales)

That's rough.

Sorry, Pete.

Good night.

Well played, Sutton.

You're out of my league.

Oh, hey, Pete.

Taco, what the hell are you doing here?

I'm gonna hang out with Sutton.

Yeah, but... No, no, I know.

I know the deal.

No dating, just sex.

Yeah, but... Independently
wealthy, plus eight.

All right, Christopher, are you
ready for your first haircut?

I'm not comfortable with this at all.

It doesn't look very sterile.

I saw some kid picking
his nose outside.

Have you met your daughter?

What's that supposed to mean?

(knocking on door)

Hey, hey!

It's the MacArthur clan.

How are you?

Jenny, good to see you.

Hi, hey.

Mr. MacArthur, finally, we meet.

Yes.

You're a lucky man.

Let me tell you this.

Your wife does not look
like she just had a baby.

Well, she had a baby,
'cause I put it inside her.

Kevin.

With my penis.

Kevin.

Okay, good.

Hey, Ellie, how you doing there, kiddo?

How's you rash going?

Whoa, what's going on here?

There's no rash.

What about your neck?

It disappeared.

How did it disappear?

I don't know.

Just one of those things, I guess.

Oh, top of his class, huh?

Okay, we're good to go.

I've done thousands of these, so
please, you're in safe hands.

I don't want you to
worry about a thing.

Easy does it.

All right, this isn't a Benihana.

You're not gonna pop his
foreskin into a shirt pocket.

No.

Okay, you guys have any last
questions before we go ahead?

I'm good, I'm ready.

Um, I can't... We can't watch this.

I... we should wait outside.

Why do they do this to poor little
babies like baby Christopher?

'Cause Daddy doesn't know
how to set a line up.

Let's go.

You ready?

Yes, ready.

Great.

So there's convertibles and
then there are hardtops.

Some people like the convertibles, but
trust me, hard tops are much better.

It's a classic look.

Oh, did Mommy bring her special
perfume to the doctor's office again?

No, she didn't want to
wear it, but I did.

Is it itching?

Yeah.

It's the perfume that's
making you itch.

I'm a genius.

Okay, I'll be right back.

I gotta go.

Okay, I think we're all set to go.

Let's do this.

He's so brave.

Boo!

Geez.

Hah! It was the perfume, bitches.

And you call yourself a doctor?

(crying)

Oops.

Oops?

Oops?

Oops, like that's the best job
you've ever done, oops, right?

Please tell me you did
not just make a mistake.

Well...

Half a one.