The League (2009–2015): Season 3, Episode 11 - The Guest Bong - full transcript

And so we have reached the final
week of the season before the playoffs.

Somehow, Kevin and Jenny are
already in, leaving two spots to

be decided by these last two games.

I thought the season was over.

In one game, we've got Pete and Taco.

I think we all know how
that one's gonna end.

You can see into the future?

Victory all but certain.

And in the other game, we've
got the league champion, the

people's champion, moi...
Really?

...vs. Andre, otherwise
known as the James...



...Bondres, a double-oh winner.

Andre, I am going to
savage you this week.

I am going to take each one of
your pre-existing holes and fill

- it with my seed...
- I want to see, I want to see.

Oh, no, no, no, honey.

Daddy's doing adult talk.

...and then invite my infant
son in to go potty inside of

you, like you're a rest stop bathroom.

Blimey.

No.

That's disgusting.

You guys hearing this?

Andre, I'm going to take my
hand, stick it inside of you,

and then open it like a
baseball mitt, and then...



So you know why you're here in HR.

I'm getting a raise?

You are not allowed to use
company e-mail or software to

deliver your personal
disgusting messages.

This was actually...
just rehearsing my closing arguments

for an upcoming case.

Where in the court of law do you
use the phrase-- let me get

this right-- "balls-deep"?

Well, if you must know, Mr.

Swale, we're representing
a children's playground

consortium, and a number of
children drowned in a ball pit.

We were wondering how
deep is balls deep?

They were up to their mouth in balls.

Yes.

They were balls-deep.

Really?

I'm going to take a razor blade
and slice from your taint

to your ball sack, and then open
it up like a taco... Disgusting.

Years from now, they're going
to think that's poetry.

Because of that HR asshole, I
have no computer access to

league activities.

So I'm using my old
personal e-mail address.

If you must know...
Mm-hmm?

Yes!

I can't tell what's funnier:

is it that you chose "The Ruxster,"
or is it that you have

an actual Hotmail account?

The official e-mail of
foreigners and poor people.

Ah!

Cheerio, there, mates!

It's your good old mate Andre.

How are you?

Wow.

Oh, my God...
Did we just win the lottery?

You know, I just spent some
time across the pond.

You were at a cap implant conference
in London for three days.

Say what you will, but it works
very good with the birds.

Danielle.

Wow, you really out-kicked
your cover there.

Yeah, you're telling me.

We should get her body and
show it at Lloyd's of London.

Hey, boys, let's not do that.

Hi!

Hi.

How are you?

Good to see you.

It's so good to see you.

This is Kevin.

Hi, how are you?

Hi. Danielle.

It's nice to meet you.

This is the Legend of Bagger Vance.

Ah, good day, my lady.

Oh, you must be Andre.

Mm.

Wow.

When I fire up my Mac Classic,
I will send you an e-mail.

Boop, boop, boop, boop.

Cheerio!

Totally weird.

And speaking of weird, I got a
text from you that I need an

explanation for.

It said, "I cannot wait
to kill you later."

That is terrible.

That is an auto-correct.

That's supposed to say, "I
wanted to kiss you..."

Aw... No, no, don't, no... You guys!

A smooch before bed.

That is so cute.

And, actually, that would explain
why you texted me asking

how I felt about "Alan Six."

Now that makes sense.

No, no, no, that... that was a joke.

I was kidding about that.

Wow!

Little early for the "Alan"

conversation, wouldn't you say?

You usually don't propose that till...
a bottle of wine

and a warm bath.

And a little bit of coke, like.

I don't think it's for me,
but like I can get you a

beautiful strand of "Alan" beads
for Christmas if you like.

Oh, don't start.

Ha!

Don't start.

Nicely done.

This place is great.

Who's the, uh, the little girl
she's hanging out with, there?

Oh, it's Chloe.

Oh... Chloe.

BFF of the week.

Mm-hmm.

I spoke to her parents; we've
arranged a sleepover for Friday.

Oh.

Uh-huh.

A Sleepover is a big move.

Yes, it is, it's a huge... Oh, my God.

Are those her parents?

I just spoke to them on the phone.

I know Chloe's father.

I prosecuted him a couple years ago.

I put him in jail for two years.

What?

Oh, God, he's coming over.

They're coming over!

Just... They're coming over here.

Just be cool.

Hey!

Hello.

This is Chloe.

Hello.

Sweetheart, do you want to go
grab your shoes and your bag?

Okay, Mommy.

Why don't you go help
Chloe with her shoes?

Okay.

Hi!

Hi. Jenny.

Gavin.

So nice to meet you.

So nice to meet you, too.

Hi, I'm Kevin.

It's also nice... Yeah, no, I know.

I know who you are.

You don't remember me?

Uh... Jamba Juice?

No.

You got me sent away for
two years, on assault.

Oh.

How about that, huh?

Small world.

Supermall.

Gavin!

Yes.

Uh, but hey, don't worry
about it, though.

Look, I did my time.

Okay.

I am a family man.

Beautiful family.

Likewise.

Thank you.

How did time go?

How was your... Please stop.

How did the time... Oh, it was, uh...
kind of... rape-y.

Oh.

Oh.

Yeah.

Were you the rape-er or the rape-ee?

Kevin... Did you get... No.

I was the rape-ee, actually.

Yeah.

That's horrible.

How were the pickup basketball games?

Because I've heard they're... Violent.

Well.

Ellie is super excited to have
Chloe over for Friday night's

sleepover.

Oh, my God, yeah.

No, I'm so excited.

So great meeting you.

You, too.

Have a great night.

Great seeing you.

That was...
That went poorly.

So, this sleepover's really
happening, with this ex-con's kid.

He did his crime, he did his
time, you did your job, there's

nothing wrong with that.

And that would be fine, if that
was all of the information.

What'd you do?

All right, this is what happened:

We're in the courthouse,
he's being processed.

I'm just hoping I don't get Judge Lambert,
because she can be...

As he's being led away, I get
a text message from Jenny.

It said, "A pen just
exploded in my vag."

And then I realized she meant
"bag," and it autocorrected.

So now Gavin looks at me, and the
last image he sees before he

heads off to jail for two years...
What's wrong with you?

...is me laughing.

Oh, no, no.

No, no.

This is bad.

That's like Cape Fear shit.

That's why you've just confirmed
my decision to get this. Huh?

Jesus!

What the hell are you doing with...?

Don't twirl it.

Where did you get a gun?

I'm a District Attorney.

I've got a carrier's
permit, if you must know.

So that you can "placcidentally"
shoot yourself in your own house?

You don't even know what you're doing.

I know exactly... Oh!

Oh, shit, okay.

Is that a gun?

Toss it here!

Taco, this is not a joke.

That is awesome.

We need to get drunk and go to the
firing range, AKA the field

next to the highway.

No!

No, you're doing it wrong.

You're doing it wrong.

Are you going to let him...?

It goes in this way... like this.

Okay? All right, all right.

And then you fire it.

What?! Whoa!

Jesus, man!

What? I assumed it wasn't loaded.

Okay, I'm just going to take
this we're going to put it down.

By the way, where's the
vuvuzela I kept in the attic?

We through it away.

The thing was getting disgusting.

What?

That was my guest bong.

Wait. What is a guest bong?

Were you raised by wolves?

A guest bong is a bong you leave
at someone else's house, so

while you're visiting them, you
can sneak away and get high.

You basically leave little bongs at all
your friend's houses around the city?

Yes. For instance, the guest bong
at your place is the pepper shaker.

That's good.

I never use that.

How am I supposed to get
high while I'm here?

How about just coming over and spending
some time with your family sober?

You expect me to sit through your
mind-numbing dinner anecdotes sober?

Or babysit your little rug rat who's
got a second grade reading level?

That's because she's
in the second grade.

Dear Andre, I'm going to go so
balls deep in your team this

week that you're going to be able to
see my sack inside of your stomach.

Oh, gross.

No amount of vaginal rejuvenation
will fix your team's vagina, Andre.

No, physician vaginally
rejuvenate thyself.

Come on, Andre, no response?

He's just getting savaged by Ruxin.

Who's Andrea Clotkin?

I don't know.

Aw!

Who are you people?

Why you sending me these
disgusting messages?

Hey, Andre, when Ruxin's done with
you, it's going to look like this.

Aw!

Ow, oh, God!

Aw!

Oh, God, Taco, get out of our attic.

I like it here.

There's Internet and heat.

What did you do?

That is my housekeeper.

Look, it's not my fault.

Hotmail auto-corrected
Andre for Andrea.

Why do you have his
housekeeper's e-mail?

Because he wanted me to use her,
and I'm not going to let

her in my house and
let him snoop around.

Right, collusion.

Be that as it may, what we need to do
here is start a brand-new chain, okay?

No more replying all.

That's it.

Okay.

Hey, guys.

Where are you moving to?

Not moving.

You guys were cleaning, so I
got in the cleaning spirit.

And?

Going to put it in the attic.

No.

We just cleaned out our attic.

Exactly, so now there's
room for my shit.

No!

Taco... Taco, mind
yourself on the apples and pears.

What is that?

Cocey rhyming slang.

Apples and pears-- stairs.

Are you trying to find new ways
for us to make fun of you?

There is something to the idea
that I could use this as

code language so I could send
stuff from my work e-mail.

Like how would you say shit sipper?

You're a real old Jack Tripper.

How would you say I'm going
to rip your shitty team of

jackoffs from poo hole to goo hole?

Actually that already rhymes.

And why would you even say that?

Why can't you just beat me?

Who do you have to get inside of me?

Why do you have to get
inside my poo hole, okay?

Next time you want to stick
something in me, text me.

But what if we want to say we
want to cram it down your throat?

Then D.M. me.

G'day.

Are you going to back to your old job
as a caretaker to Downtrodden Estate?

Luck you.

Why is Andre talking
about his poo hole?

Jesus, Cheech and Chong.

What...?

Did you just get high?

I'll give you a hint-- yes.

Guess we found a new guest bong?

No, it's a guest pipe.

Are you baked all the time?

Oh, not this baked.

I just wish I could walk around
in a cloud of it all day long.

To the cloud-- like Microsoft.

All right, you realize that
that's just a cloud of data

pushing itself wirelessly
through different devices?

Now who sounds baked?

I like being around your friends.

Oh, wow. Well, that makes one of us.

I really like them.

I think they're awesome.

Well, that is good, because
you got rave reviews.

Thank you.

I'm going to put my computer away and not
be rude, so we can have our date...

No, no, no, no, no, no.

What is that?

Um, this is my fantasy football
team and I was in the

process of setting my lineup.

Okay, well let's-let's set your lineup.

What?

Yeah, let's set your lineup.

Let's do this.

Like, I normally do this by myself.

Well, when you were a single
person, there were a lot of

things you had to do by yourself.

But not that I'm here, we can do
them together, and I'm guessing

that's an improvement.

All right, in all fairness, I am
playing Taco this week, so just...

Okay, great.

Whoa! You just grabbed the comput...
Okay, hold on. Not... Oh, quiet.

This is like fifth base for me.

This is like the
equivalent of male Allen.

What, Michael Vick?

Is OJ Simpson on your lineup as well?

He's retired.

Michael Vick has done his time.

No, no, no.

We're not playing Michael Vick.

He may have worked on your team,
but he is not on our team.

Okay.

Okay?

All right, what other QB's do you have?

You must have another one.

Uh... Roethlis...
His name is Ben Roethlisberger.

Ben Roethlisberger.

Has he ever done anything wrong?

Never.

Perfect.

He is a good man.

Welcome to the lineup,
Ben Roethlisberger.

Take a look-- submit.

Our lineup has been set!

That's huge.

Wow. I literally feel like
I've just been deflowered.

Well, you'll cry the first time,
but every time after that,

it'll be a little less painful.

Come here.

All right, all right, all right.

Andrea, please don't quit.

It was disgusting.

I know.

Don't judge me on the
basis of my friends.

I'll do anything.

I swear this will stop.

Come on, luv.

You work less hours, you get more pay.

You've really got me over
this Christmas carol.

Christmas carol?

You like Dickens?

Oh, no, it was the
Cockney rhyming slang.

Barrel-- Christmas carol...
You know, I am going to be in

community theater production.

I play Mrs. Cratchit.

Great.

You come Monday night?

Uh, this Monday?

Mm-hmm.

This Monday is rough because...
I would love to come.

I would love to come see you
in your community theater

production of A Christmas Carol.

I love it.

Okay.

And I'm going to bring a friend.

Gets through and... Come on!

Yes!

My players are killing it.

Lawrence Fitzgerald... Larry.

...Raymond Rice... Ray.

...and Came Newtown.

It's Cam Newton.

You can't even pronounce...
Oh, your kid...

Brandon Jacobs give you a touchdown.

Are you kidding me?

To the cloud.

Well, at least we have next week.
Always, always.

No, there's really not a
next week for my team.

That's not true.

There's the Sacko.

Face it, mate.

You're a ripe old boozer.

What?

Loser-- boozer.

All right, easy Jason Statham.

Call me The Transporter.

Or call him Transgender.

I'd like to offer my
services to all of you.

If anyone has a load that needs
to be transported, I'm your man.

Well, how many loads can
you transport at one time?

As many as humanly possible.

You take the whole load all at once?

That's right-- I take the
load, hold it inside me and

don't let it out.

Wow, like big loads?

I love big loads.

Wow.

You take a lady's load?

I'll take a lady's load, but
I prefer a man's load.

Yeah.

Come on!

How we doing?

We're not doing great.

How's um-- Roethlisberger?

Not doing as well as Michael
Vick did earlier today.

I have to be honest.

Well, at least you have both of them.

Yeah.

Right?

Yeah, it's great.

Everyone's having so much fun.

Mm-hmm.

Because I'm in the playoffs
and I think that...

Wait, are you in the playoffs?

I think I just said I
was in the playoffs.

I'm in the playoffs!

You're in the playoffs, too?

Wait a minute, did you guys just
figure this out right now?

No, this is called shit talking,
and you will catch on

very quickly.

Okay.

Uh, and then the Monday night
game will decide which one of

these morons is gonna lose
to me in the playoffs.

Look, there's still
some time, all right?

It's not over yet.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

You are losing, my friend.

I'll get you a beer.

How about that?

That sounds great.

I'll take a... I know.

No, no, no.

I got it.

Okay, you pick.

Anyone else?

I'll be right back.

Thank you.

Watch.

She's going to pick me some,
like, skunked-out Milwaukee's

Best Light, and leave the
Stella Artois on my bench.

This is your own fault, if you
let your girlfriend choose

your lineup.

That is like the male version of Alan.

I'm sorry, pot calling
the kettle black, here?

She is not a girl, Pete.

Oh, thanks, babe.

I love you.

I love you, too.

I shouldn't have to pay this much.

The punishment doesn't fit the crime.

You know, Pete, I like her.

I think she's a keeper.

Like the keeper that Michael
Vic ran in for his third

touchdown of the day, while
he was on my bench?

I want you out in front of
your flat at 6:00 p.m. sharp.

I don't want to see amateur
theater; it's just a bunch of

fat girls dealing with their
complicated issues with dudes

who are still in the closet.

Let me tell you something,
mate, you got to make things

right between me and my lady.

She's the best chambermaid I ever had.

Either come to this play with
me, or I bombard your work

e-mail with pictures of Alan.

All kinds of Alan.

Alan reconstruction.

What about photos of Alan Rickman?

Here you go, sweetie.

Oh, thank you so much.

Appreciate that.

Do you like it?

It's awesome.

Thank you so much.

You're welcome.

Appreciate it.

I appreciate you.

Okay, thanks.

Okay, who is ready for ice cream?

Me!

Me!

Yeah!

It's going to be the
best sleepover ever!

You guys ready to go?

Mm-hmm.

Um... I left my fuzzy at home.

Oh.

What's your fuzzy?

Yeah, it's my blanket I need to sleep.

Chloe, no worries, we will call
your parents and just have

them bring it over.

Okay.

Yeah?

Oh!

I forgot my Faces of Death DVD.

Can you have them stop by my
apartment and pick it up?

No, Taco.

Movie night's cancelled, girls.

Doesn't matter, 'cause
it's a girls' night!

Yes!

Let's go.

If you don't finish your
ice cream, bring it back!

No!

No.

Aw... I'll drink to Mr.
Scrooge for your sake, and for this day.

I can't believe I'm here watching this
instead of Monday Night Football.

Oh, yeah.

'Cause I really want to be here,
watching a shitty production of

A Christmas Carol, instead
of watching the game that dictates

whether or not I go back to the
Sacko or get into the playoffs.

Long life to him!

And a Merry Christmas,
and a Happy New Year.

If I win tonight, the year
of the Sacko is over.

Ghost of Sacko Past,
Ghost of Sacko Future.

How much time is left?

You're not going to do it.

All I needed was ten points,
and I'm getting eight points.

No, no, I lost.

James Bondraiser in the playoffs, baby.

License to win.

Hallelujah.

Bless us all, everyone!

Oh, God damn you.

God damn you, no-talent,
ass-eating, shit-sipping hacks!

Excuse me?

That is my son!

Rodney?

Swale?

See you Wednesday?

What do you think?

This was supposed to be a
Christmas joy for everyone, but

instead, you killed Christmas.

No, your son's acting killed Christmas.

Jenny?

Oh.

House to myself.

No, I'm-I'm getting here right now.

I just am pulling up.

Okay, so you're sure?

Jenny said just bring the fuzzy in?

Door's open.

Okay.

Okay, I love you.

Okay, bye.

You guys are probably
texting from inside.

Coming in with Chloe's fuzzy.

"Coming in with chloroform"?

What?

Oh, okay.

Hello.

Hello... Where is everybody?

Got a little something here.

Anybody home?

Hello?

Hey, asshole!

I have a gun, and I'm
going to murder you.

Where's my gun?

Oh, yeah.

Do the clown!

♪ Take all week and rub my belly... ♪

911, what's your emergency?

Hello, yes, this is Kevin
McArthur, and there's someone in

my house who's here to murder me.

Describe to me what's happening.

I am in my panic room.

Panic room?

Well, it really isn't a panic
room, because it's more of a

space under the stairs.

Please send out dispatch right away!

Is he an intruder?

A few years ago, I put
a man away in jail.

And while he was being processed, I was
in the courtroom and I received a text

message from my wife, who said a
pen exploded in her vag, but

she really meant bag.

Is your wife injured, sir?

No, it didn't explode in her vag.

Nothing explodes in your vag.

It was her bag, she meant bag,
it was an auto-correct mistake.

Sir, I need to put you on hold.

911, what's your emergency?

Hi, I am about to be murdered.

Where are you located, sir?

I'm at the home of Kevin McArthur.

Kevin McArthur, you said.

Yes.

I am hiding out in his bathroom, and
he is outside there with a gun.

Sir, have you had a relationship
with this man previously?

Our daughters are in
gymnastics together.

She is a little psychopath.

Daughter's a pig, father's a pig.

I'm going to put you on hold, sir.

Mr. McArthur, there is a
gentleman on the other line who

says you are trying to kill him.

No, no, no!

This is me, nobody else, me,
murdered, dead, inside my house,

panic room, bag, vag.

Okay, sir, you have officially
abused the 911 system.

I am going to disconnect you.

Please, you've got to help me!
Don't hang up on me, please!

Hello?

Aha!

Well, hello there.

Want some?

I am going to run and die!

Take it!

I have a family.

Well, then, take it!

No, you got to listen to me.

This is... Oh, God!

I took care of him.

Oh, you're crazy.

Your wife is stuck-up, and your
daughter's terrible at gymnastics!

Shut up and take it!

No!

Oh, God, no, please!

Open your mouth like this.

Ah!

Don't shoot me!

Don't shoot me!

Come back!

Do the clown!

You're going back to jail, asshole!

Aw, Taco!

That was fun.

You want a hit?

Oh.

Yeah...