The League (2009–2015): Season 3, Episode 10 - The Light of Genesis - full transcript
Kevin thinks his Krav Maga instructor may actually be into him.
Nice force.
Nice arm bar, AJ, yes.
Kevin.
Good aggression.
Looking really good.
Thank you.
Nice.
Are you sure we're not
supposed to wear a cup?
Somebody just bumped my twig.
I'm sure your twig is
going to be just fine.
Okay.
Are you sure you're not an athlete?
Well, I used to do Zumba at the Y, but...
this is a little different.
Looking really good.
Thank you.
All right, guys.
Everybody partner up.
Oh, Kev, you're with me.
Yeah, over here.
Okay.
In Krav Maga, we want to be
able to defend ourselves from
any situation, any angle.
Your assailant can come at you
with a big bear hug, so... come
on, bear hug, right?
Okay.
Yeah, grab me, right?
So we've been through some of the
frontal attacks, but today,
I really want to focus
on coming from behind.
Put your hands on my chest.
On my... on my chest.
Okay.
Chest, right?
You're going to grab the
assailant's right thumb out to
the side, step, elbow...
and spin around.
Assailant is down-- mount
and finish him off!
Dismount, one more time--
mount and finish him off!
Got that?
You okay, Kevin?
You good?
Yeah.
Yeah.
She took my hand and moved
it down to her breast.
And the problem is what?
I just feel like I'm crossing a line.
She was hitting on me, essentially.
And then she blew you?
There's no blow jobs.
Yeah, it's Krav Maga.
Taken classes before.
You do all that stuff, and then
they blow you in the bathroom.
No, no, there's no blow jobs.
No, you're not doing Krav Maga.
Okay, here's what I'm going to do.
I'm just going to tell Jenny.
That way, we can clear the air
and she doesn't have to...
No, no, no, no.
Why?
You don't tell Jenny.
Why?
Because you've done nothing wrong.
You're not cheating on her.
This is all incidental contact, okay?
I'm within five yards, so it's kind of...
That's bump and run.
That's bump and run.
Enjoy the sport.
It's sex with someone else.
It has nothing to do with Jenny.
Thank you!
You want to start a prank war with me?
Oh, you got my gifts?
They're not gifts when you
subscribe someone to 40 obscure
magazines and bill them later.
Young Miss, uh, Surgery
Today, Bass Chasers... Ooh.
Polish Food Monthly?
There's a lot to be
learned about pierogis.
How about Miniature Donkey Talk?
How do you feel about that one?
I feel like regular donkey
talk is too broad of a topic.
There's one in here I can't even
bring myself to touch yet.
It's called Him.
Oh, I love Him.
Did a great article on cravats.
Yeah, I filled it out at Andre's loft.
You may have won the battle on
this one, but I will destroy you.
Who's got the bass fishing one?
I do-- Bass Chasers.
Let me see it.
Oh, there's an article...
I like the fish one.
Oh, Goddamn it, Taco.
This is ruined.
Who cares?
It's just a tie.
Well, I have to wear them every day, so...
and they're
expensive, I have a limited amount.
You know what would make it easier?
If there were a service like
Netflix, but for neckties.
You know, you don't have to buy a
bunch of ties-- you just get
two in the mail every week,
return them once you wear them,
get two new ones.
Neckflix-- Netflix, but for neckties.
Or you can skip the ties entirely
and just go with the T-necks.
Oh, you mean like a
foreskin for your neck.
It's not foreskin.
Taco, that might be
legitimately the best idea
you've ever come up with.
Seriously.
What about the live rocking horse?
$30 of wood, a hammer and some
nails turns that useless horse
into a beloved children's toy.
Hello.
Hi.
Ugh.
We're from the Light of Genesis,
here to deliver your
specialty Bible.
Thank you for checking the box
online that said that you'd like
to learn more about our
organization in person.
Yeah, very funny, Pete.
Very good payback prank.
We'd like to just talk to you a
little bit about the Light
of Genesis.
This is probably that point in
the conversation you're all
too familiar with, where I
shut the door in your faces.
He's forsaken the path to truth
just as Pettigrew's ankle
has forsaken him.
Whoa, I'm sorry, you just
said something about...
Brandon Pettigrew?
Yes, woe has befallen Pettigrew's
ankle, and the Lord
today will see him paying
penance for it on the bench.
When did this happen?
Oh, just this morn, but Tony
Scheffler will heed the call.
Well, Scheffler's light
has faded since Denver.
But he will rise again in Detroit.
How did you find this out before me?
Our religion, the Light of
Genesis, forbids any drugs or
alcohol or engaging in sexual
intercourse with women, so our
only real peccadillo is fantasy
football, and we love it.
It's our one clean vice.
Praise be. Praise be.
Praise be.
Praise "C," huh.
Hey, I'm not going to win
the Shiva if I don't get a
running back.
You have very nice running backs.
I do.
Are you offering me bacon
for a running back?
For a running back.
Nope.
You are on your own, and Daddy
has his own problems to
worry about.
I'm going to go to work, but
I wanted to see what you
were thinking about for dinner tonight.
You have Krav Maga after work.
About the Krav Maga-- I have a
distinct feeling that my Krav
Maga teacher is... like...
hitting on me-- like, sexually.
Really?
Yeah, she's, like, in... into me.
Sounds like she has a
wicked case of the Kevins.
That's right, she does.
What if the whole class
catches a case of the Kevins?
Now you're making a joke
of the whole situation.
I got a lot to offer.
Which is the problem.
So you go to that class
and get less fat.
Well, you're the one
that gave me bacon.
That was business.
Go.
Fine.
Okay, Mrs. Crabtree.
Jenny?
Hey.
What's going on?
Oh, I made up a fake
name to be discreet.
It was silly-- I know.
You want to get this little
miss "A" cup into a "C" cup.
Am I right?
What? No!
Get a little Botox, maybe?
No, I'm good.
I got it.
You want to surprise Kevin with a
little vaginal rejuvenation surgery.
No.
What I am about to share with
you does not leave this room.
It's a secret?
Yes.
Oh, well, you can tell me anything.
Okay, just back up a
little bit, all right?
Okay, uh...
it's called bedside manner, okay?
Yeah, bedside, not in my bed.
Fine, I'll back up.
All right.
Okay.
I need a tattoo removed.
Jenny, come on.
That's nothing to be embarrassed about.
It's just, I have a daughter.
I'd like to raise her
to be a classy lady.
Ellie?
Good luck.
What does that mean?
Nothing.
Sorry.
Okay, uh...
I've seen hundreds of these.
No reason to be embarrassed, okay?
Oh... oh, my.
"Pleasure chest"?
Wow.
Does Kevin know about this?
Does... Yes.
We have a kid together.
How much was this in use if you
needed to advertise it as a
location stop on your body?
Look, I don't need your medical opinion
on how horrible this tattoo is.
Okay, you know, this is easy.
Two, three sessions max, we'll
just laser it right off.
You're not going to say a word, right?
I mean, look who I am.
I'm a doctor.
You can trust me.
I will not betray you.
Not a word.
Not a word.
Not a word, Andre!
Not a word.
Good, AJ, good.
90-degree angles-- keep that,
with the wrist on wrist.
Ow!
Boop!
That's not funny, dude.
Don't go near my dick.
Sorry.
Okay, boys, bring it in.
Bring it in.
All right, we're going to
review some moves now.
I'm going to need a volunteer.
Right here.
Um... Kevin, come.
Uh, Pete-- he's new.
He's my buddy.
Yeah, yeah.
Go get 'em, Pete!
How's it going?
All right, we're going to, uh, go
over some of the frontal attacks.
Frontal.
And let's start with the
double-hand grab, okay?
Frontal two-handed grab?
Just... all right.
Feel like I should buy you a
drink first or something.
Don't make it awkward.
Grab me.
All right, let's get to it.
Okay.
The old one-hander?
Is that...?
No, uh, maybe you're a lefty.
Here we go.
That's how you repel a two-handed grab.
You see that?
Oh... busted!
Nothing sexual about that.
Knocked your ass out, son.
Dick.
All right, we're going to go
over one more move, you guys.
Okay...
Kevin, I need you as a volunteer.
Come here.
We're going to go over a
new move called the Lever.
Remember, we're going to start
with your hands on my chest.
Hands on my chest.
There you go-- right there.
We're going to do a double thumb
break, step to the side, groin,
elbow up and pop to the face.
All right?
I'm going to break that down.
Groin, elbow up, to the face.
Groin, elbow up and to the face.
Groin is very sensitive.
Very important in Krav Maga.
Groin, elbow up.
Groin, elbow up.
Got it?
And then to the face.
Really good.
Thank you.
Really god job, Kevin.
Okay, think we got that one.
Are you sure it wasn't a graze?
No, no, it wasn't a graze.
It was at least a half full stroke.
So what exactly constitutes a stroke?
Like, are we talking about when
you're sitting on the couch and
you do a lift and separate?
Oh, no, that's a classic
rerack-- that's involuntary.
So this was, like, a
coordinated effort?
Know what?
Maybe I have it wrong.
Maybe I was the one out of line.
Could have been part of the move.
It could have been part of the move.
Is that what we think Krav Maga is?
The old Israeli art of hand
jibber to hand jibber combat?
I don't know what to do.
I told Jenny, and she
said I was overreacting.
Whoa!
Okay, then you have a
loophole, my friend.
It is not cheating; it is Krav Maga.
This is your little secret.
Enjoy it.
Actually, as long as we are telling
secrets, um, I have a great one.
Nobody cares.
How about we do it like a blind item?
What person who we all know
was in a very unusual place?
Ooh, I know-- Andre,
in a woman's vagina.
There it is.
That's a strange place for you to be.
If you have something to
tell us, then tell us.
I can't.
Doctor-patient confidentiality.
Oop, I've said too much.
We really don't care.
Fine, you don't deserve to know.
I'm going to leave it for myself
on voice mail because I need to
say it out loud.
Okay, bye.
Oh, Andre.
Okay, so... We still don't care.
Please leave.
Thank you.
All right, just keep it together.
Hello, friend.
Hi.
Is there a problem?
Uh... yeah, actually.
I have this secret, and it's so good,
and it's burning a hole in me.
I just got to tell somebody.
Can I tell you?
Of course.
We all have secrets.
Wow, okay.
My best friend, Jenny, is married
to my best friend, Kevin.
Now, Jenny comes to my work
'cause she's got a tattoo;
she wants me to remove it.
And I was like, "Does
Kevin know about it?"
She's like, "Yeah,
Kevin knows about it."
Sir, you might want to sort of
streamline the information.
Oh, yeah, so she's like,
"I need this removed."
And I'm like, "Please.
I could do that, no problem."
You guys notice Ruxin made some
pretty bold lineup choices
for Thursday night's game?
He started Marshawn Lynch against
Philly, and it actually worked.
Where is he getting his intel?
And as the Lord turns his
all-seeing eye onto Carolina's
backfield this week, do you think it's
praise be Jonathan Stewart or praise be
DeAngelo Williams?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What's that?
Is that Ruxin?
And who is he with?
He doesn't have any friends.
We'll just have to look at a couple things, but...
Hey, Ruxin, what the hell is
going on?
Oh, I found salvation.
You see, we've been spreading
the Good Word in the
neighborhood with my brothers,
Gabriel, Ezekiel, Julian and Hank.
Hey, friend.
How are you?
Uh, we should get out
of here, right, guys?
No, no, we need to
meet Ruxin's friends.
See you, weird guys.
Thank you for bringing me
to the Light of Genesis.
Your friends seem nice,
but lost and wandering.
You know, we could help them.
Yeah, I think they're beyond salvation,
just like the 49ers' defense.
Seriously, what's going on
with the 49ers' defense?
So you got Ruxin to join a cult?
That's it-- prank war is over.
You won, buddy.
You know, normally I would
agree, but something's wrong.
He's legitimately into it.
Yeah, maybe it's their awesome ties.
Man, that is the kind of
inventory I need at Neckflix.
Speaking of which, your first
two ties have arrived.
Oh... um, I got a tie
that I already own.
That's why I'm saying I need more ties.
All I have is 15 of his
stupid, ugly ties.
I'm not paying for this.
Well, then, you're going to have
to pay the $200 cancellation fee.
Oh, praise be, my brothers.
What is with all this cult shit?
You look like a guy who gets
beat up by the Mormons.
Oh, laugh all you want, Kevin,
but the Light of Genesis
has helped guide me through
life's most thorny questions.
Like what?
Like: who will the Patriots'
number one receiver be this weekend?
Praise be Wes Welker or
praise be Rob Gronkowski?
The cult guys are into
fantasy football?
My brothers are God's fantasy warriors.
We share our knowledge
with one another.
Wait a second.
So they're probably not good
about keeping secrets, are they?
Whatever my brother knows, I know.
Is Jenny home?
Yeah, she's floating around somewhere.
Be right back.
Poor lost Andre.
I remember when I was like him,
but that'll all change on Sunday
when I'm officially baptized
into the Light of Genesis and
all of their knowledge will be mine.
You're joining a cult to get
fantasy football information?
Oh, Pete, "cult" is such a
pejorative term, like "creep"
or Andre.
Nay, the Light of Genesis is a
path than can help one visualize
one's life, and the visualization
that I have right
now is of me holding the Shiva.
That's it-- visualization.
Crazy Cult Ruxin, tell Lawyer
Ruxin to write this down.
I need to apply
visualization to Neckflix.
I can no longer be your lawyer,
as I serve a higher power now.
There is no higher
power than Taco Corp.
Peace be with you, my brothers, and
also with backup Oakland running back,
Taiwan Jones.
I'm going to crush
you guys this week.
I knew it-- he's in there.
Hey, Jenny.
Can I sit down?
Sure.
I just want you to know that I value our
friendship paramount to anything else.
Okay.
I told your secret to somebody.
No... Andre!
I didn't mean to.
I didn't... I told a stranger, and
I thought it was going to be
okay, but now that stranger's
not a stranger; he's part of
Ruxin's cult, and now everyone's
going to know about it.
I'm so sorry.
I just want you to know, I will do
anything to make this up to you.
You want a boob job?
I don't need a boob job.
Mmm... I don't!
I'll throw in the vaginal
rejuvenation, too.
We'll be all... You know what?
I don't want you anywhere near my business,
and you clearly can't be trusted.
I will do anything.
Look at me-- I'm on bended knee.
I am hurt.
I am betrayed.
I want Rashard Mendenhall
and LeSean McCoy.
Yes, yes!
That will make it better?
Friends trade, right?
Here it is-- trade accepted.
Friends?
We'll work on it.
Jesus.
Take it easy.
Oh, wow.
It's creepier than I thought.
Only a place this creepy
would take Ruxin.
Some of the Light of Genesis's
teachings aren't that creepy.
I've been visualizing my
Neckflix business plan and, of
course, listening to Abacab.
And let me tell you...
Taco, nobody cares about
visualizing, all right?
Can we just get Ruxin and get
out of here before he wins...
Hello.
Hi.
Hello.
Welcome, friends.
Hey, how are you?
There's so many of them.
Welcome to the Light of Genesis.
How may we show you... The light?
A little bit faster.
Well, thanks for the, uh, welcome.
We are big fans of what you
guys have going on here.
Huge Genesis guys.
You know, to cut to the
chase, we want in.
Well, before we can share the
light with you, you have to
share the light with one another.
We'll lead by example.
Okay, you turn to your partner,
and you just extend the
fellow finger-- just the tip--
touch it and express your
appreciation.
I appreciate your smile, and I
like how you say my name in
your sleep.
I like that you watch over me
when I dream, and I like the
tiny shoulders that surround your head.
It's easy.
Now you try.
No.
No.
I'll try it.
No, no, you... Yeah, come on.
We'll do it-- me and you.
Yeah, you're going to need a partner.
Go ahead, Kevin.
No, I don't want to do it.
Come on, try it.
All right, do you have to...
He doesn't have to do the...
the... this, right?
It does feel better.
It's optional, but you should.
Can you just do it
Western grip, please?
Thank you.
Okay, fine, if I must.
Kevin, I know you may disapprove
of your wife's tattoo, but I
find it very...
What are you talking about-- tattoo?
It's okay-- we're in a
safe circle right now.
Secret is out, and, uh,
we can all share it.
Jenny has a tattoo.
She does not have a tattoo.
The pleasure chest-- show him.
I don't have a tattoo.
In fact, what I showed you
the other day was fake.
I don't have a tattoo.
You tricked me.
But what I do have-- pinky up--
because of your generosity,
I have Rashard Mendenhall
and LeSean McCoy, sucker!
I'll pinky on that.
You like that, guys?
Pinky love!
I'll just finger myself, thank you.
It's lovely to see you all sharing
in the light, and I wish
we could stay here and bathe
with you, but I have a baptism
to attend to.
I'll be here even in my absencee
hugging you with my mind.
Baptism!
You know, that is something
we would really like to see.
The baptism is only for elder members.
Julian... come on.
Come on, you can let us in.
Well, I... I'm on thin ice already.
Julian, we can be your
new best friends.
Five new best friends, Julian.
Okay, okay, okay.
May the light of Genesis be with you.
Initiate, please kneel.
Oh, Jesus, Ruxin.
Today we welcome a new member.
Shh, shh, please, just stay
here and be very quiet.
You got it.
Okay, enjoy the show.
We'll be right here.
We're not going anywhere, okay?
Let us all bow our heads
and collect our thoughts
in our bowl of consciousness.
Oop, there's no room.
You brought your lineup?
Yes. Why should Ruxin get all the help?
You know, there's a lot
room in this row.
Just shh! Get back.
Please.
That felt good.
Rise, initiate, and join
me at the baptismal.
Guys, where's Taco?
Bathroom...
Hmm.
Whoa! It worked!
Visualize, manifestize.
There are enough ties here to
keep Neckflix in business
for years.
There's something for every
demographic, every occasion.
World Cup, poor person
wedding, your own funeral.
Oh... thank you, Phil Collins,
Tony Banks, and to a lesser
extent, Mike Rutherford.
I forgive you guys for
We Can't Dance. Oh!
I am the light.
Glory be to the word of truth.
I am the light.
- Glory be to the word of truth...
- and my lineup.
Now let us join hands and
express our appreciation.
Really?
I got to touch pinkies with you?
Your soul to me is like an
eagle; it's ready to soar.
You have hair like a lady.
Thank you.
Guys, this is bad.
We got to stop this.
I cannot have another year
of the brain of Ruxin.
Do you accept the church?
Mm-hmm.
Do you promise to live by its
rules and obey its code?
Totally.
And once we all invite you
into the League of the Light
of Genesis, do you swear to
forsake all other leagues?
Well... Really?
Is he gonna do this?
My God.
Do you also swear to renounce
other deities and false idols?
Mm-hmm.
- Shiva...
- Why are you resisting?
Shiva... She sees you.
Brother Ruxin...
...you have to accept
before you tip your head.
I just need a minute.
Brother Ruxin?
What will it be, Brother Ruxin?
Ow! I can't! No!
Shiva Komedi Somakanakram!
We got our boy back!
Whoo!
Yes!
I am in one cult, and it
is the cult of Shiva.
And I'm the Grand
Poobah of that mother!
Yeah!
Boo! Face, son!
Excuse me, Taco, how
did Neckflix begin?
Well, I had a dream, I
visualized it, and I stole
a bunch of ties from the church.
Hey, Kev.
You walking to the lot?
Yeah.
Me, too. I'll walk with you.
Buddy system.
So, uh, this is me.
Ah, this is me.
God, you're doing so amazing in class.
You're killing it, Kevin.
I'm really impressed.
It's cold.
I sweat a lot.
I mean, not just in class,
but, like, right now.
When I get home, sometimes I'm so
tired, I won't even take a shower.
I just lay in my own filth.
Wallet and car keys now.
How are you supposed to drive two cars?
Oh, my God.
Kevin, finish him off!
Do the Lever!
I can do this: groin, elbow, groin...
What are you doing?!
I'm doing the Lever, the
move that you do on me!
I was hitting on you!
What? I'm married.
I'm married, too!
Get off my crank, man!
Okay, okay, you know what?
You know what, I can't, I can't do this.
I'm sorry.
Kevin!
I'm just gonna back to Zumba at the Y.
It's more my speed.
But thank you so much for all
the material from my yank bank.
Kevin!
What are we gonna do with this?
Get the (bleep) out of here!
Nice arm bar, AJ, yes.
Kevin.
Good aggression.
Looking really good.
Thank you.
Nice.
Are you sure we're not
supposed to wear a cup?
Somebody just bumped my twig.
I'm sure your twig is
going to be just fine.
Okay.
Are you sure you're not an athlete?
Well, I used to do Zumba at the Y, but...
this is a little different.
Looking really good.
Thank you.
All right, guys.
Everybody partner up.
Oh, Kev, you're with me.
Yeah, over here.
Okay.
In Krav Maga, we want to be
able to defend ourselves from
any situation, any angle.
Your assailant can come at you
with a big bear hug, so... come
on, bear hug, right?
Okay.
Yeah, grab me, right?
So we've been through some of the
frontal attacks, but today,
I really want to focus
on coming from behind.
Put your hands on my chest.
On my... on my chest.
Okay.
Chest, right?
You're going to grab the
assailant's right thumb out to
the side, step, elbow...
and spin around.
Assailant is down-- mount
and finish him off!
Dismount, one more time--
mount and finish him off!
Got that?
You okay, Kevin?
You good?
Yeah.
Yeah.
She took my hand and moved
it down to her breast.
And the problem is what?
I just feel like I'm crossing a line.
She was hitting on me, essentially.
And then she blew you?
There's no blow jobs.
Yeah, it's Krav Maga.
Taken classes before.
You do all that stuff, and then
they blow you in the bathroom.
No, no, there's no blow jobs.
No, you're not doing Krav Maga.
Okay, here's what I'm going to do.
I'm just going to tell Jenny.
That way, we can clear the air
and she doesn't have to...
No, no, no, no.
Why?
You don't tell Jenny.
Why?
Because you've done nothing wrong.
You're not cheating on her.
This is all incidental contact, okay?
I'm within five yards, so it's kind of...
That's bump and run.
That's bump and run.
Enjoy the sport.
It's sex with someone else.
It has nothing to do with Jenny.
Thank you!
You want to start a prank war with me?
Oh, you got my gifts?
They're not gifts when you
subscribe someone to 40 obscure
magazines and bill them later.
Young Miss, uh, Surgery
Today, Bass Chasers... Ooh.
Polish Food Monthly?
There's a lot to be
learned about pierogis.
How about Miniature Donkey Talk?
How do you feel about that one?
I feel like regular donkey
talk is too broad of a topic.
There's one in here I can't even
bring myself to touch yet.
It's called Him.
Oh, I love Him.
Did a great article on cravats.
Yeah, I filled it out at Andre's loft.
You may have won the battle on
this one, but I will destroy you.
Who's got the bass fishing one?
I do-- Bass Chasers.
Let me see it.
Oh, there's an article...
I like the fish one.
Oh, Goddamn it, Taco.
This is ruined.
Who cares?
It's just a tie.
Well, I have to wear them every day, so...
and they're
expensive, I have a limited amount.
You know what would make it easier?
If there were a service like
Netflix, but for neckties.
You know, you don't have to buy a
bunch of ties-- you just get
two in the mail every week,
return them once you wear them,
get two new ones.
Neckflix-- Netflix, but for neckties.
Or you can skip the ties entirely
and just go with the T-necks.
Oh, you mean like a
foreskin for your neck.
It's not foreskin.
Taco, that might be
legitimately the best idea
you've ever come up with.
Seriously.
What about the live rocking horse?
$30 of wood, a hammer and some
nails turns that useless horse
into a beloved children's toy.
Hello.
Hi.
Ugh.
We're from the Light of Genesis,
here to deliver your
specialty Bible.
Thank you for checking the box
online that said that you'd like
to learn more about our
organization in person.
Yeah, very funny, Pete.
Very good payback prank.
We'd like to just talk to you a
little bit about the Light
of Genesis.
This is probably that point in
the conversation you're all
too familiar with, where I
shut the door in your faces.
He's forsaken the path to truth
just as Pettigrew's ankle
has forsaken him.
Whoa, I'm sorry, you just
said something about...
Brandon Pettigrew?
Yes, woe has befallen Pettigrew's
ankle, and the Lord
today will see him paying
penance for it on the bench.
When did this happen?
Oh, just this morn, but Tony
Scheffler will heed the call.
Well, Scheffler's light
has faded since Denver.
But he will rise again in Detroit.
How did you find this out before me?
Our religion, the Light of
Genesis, forbids any drugs or
alcohol or engaging in sexual
intercourse with women, so our
only real peccadillo is fantasy
football, and we love it.
It's our one clean vice.
Praise be. Praise be.
Praise be.
Praise "C," huh.
Hey, I'm not going to win
the Shiva if I don't get a
running back.
You have very nice running backs.
I do.
Are you offering me bacon
for a running back?
For a running back.
Nope.
You are on your own, and Daddy
has his own problems to
worry about.
I'm going to go to work, but
I wanted to see what you
were thinking about for dinner tonight.
You have Krav Maga after work.
About the Krav Maga-- I have a
distinct feeling that my Krav
Maga teacher is... like...
hitting on me-- like, sexually.
Really?
Yeah, she's, like, in... into me.
Sounds like she has a
wicked case of the Kevins.
That's right, she does.
What if the whole class
catches a case of the Kevins?
Now you're making a joke
of the whole situation.
I got a lot to offer.
Which is the problem.
So you go to that class
and get less fat.
Well, you're the one
that gave me bacon.
That was business.
Go.
Fine.
Okay, Mrs. Crabtree.
Jenny?
Hey.
What's going on?
Oh, I made up a fake
name to be discreet.
It was silly-- I know.
You want to get this little
miss "A" cup into a "C" cup.
Am I right?
What? No!
Get a little Botox, maybe?
No, I'm good.
I got it.
You want to surprise Kevin with a
little vaginal rejuvenation surgery.
No.
What I am about to share with
you does not leave this room.
It's a secret?
Yes.
Oh, well, you can tell me anything.
Okay, just back up a
little bit, all right?
Okay, uh...
it's called bedside manner, okay?
Yeah, bedside, not in my bed.
Fine, I'll back up.
All right.
Okay.
I need a tattoo removed.
Jenny, come on.
That's nothing to be embarrassed about.
It's just, I have a daughter.
I'd like to raise her
to be a classy lady.
Ellie?
Good luck.
What does that mean?
Nothing.
Sorry.
Okay, uh...
I've seen hundreds of these.
No reason to be embarrassed, okay?
Oh... oh, my.
"Pleasure chest"?
Wow.
Does Kevin know about this?
Does... Yes.
We have a kid together.
How much was this in use if you
needed to advertise it as a
location stop on your body?
Look, I don't need your medical opinion
on how horrible this tattoo is.
Okay, you know, this is easy.
Two, three sessions max, we'll
just laser it right off.
You're not going to say a word, right?
I mean, look who I am.
I'm a doctor.
You can trust me.
I will not betray you.
Not a word.
Not a word.
Not a word, Andre!
Not a word.
Good, AJ, good.
90-degree angles-- keep that,
with the wrist on wrist.
Ow!
Boop!
That's not funny, dude.
Don't go near my dick.
Sorry.
Okay, boys, bring it in.
Bring it in.
All right, we're going to
review some moves now.
I'm going to need a volunteer.
Right here.
Um... Kevin, come.
Uh, Pete-- he's new.
He's my buddy.
Yeah, yeah.
Go get 'em, Pete!
How's it going?
All right, we're going to, uh, go
over some of the frontal attacks.
Frontal.
And let's start with the
double-hand grab, okay?
Frontal two-handed grab?
Just... all right.
Feel like I should buy you a
drink first or something.
Don't make it awkward.
Grab me.
All right, let's get to it.
Okay.
The old one-hander?
Is that...?
No, uh, maybe you're a lefty.
Here we go.
That's how you repel a two-handed grab.
You see that?
Oh... busted!
Nothing sexual about that.
Knocked your ass out, son.
Dick.
All right, we're going to go
over one more move, you guys.
Okay...
Kevin, I need you as a volunteer.
Come here.
We're going to go over a
new move called the Lever.
Remember, we're going to start
with your hands on my chest.
Hands on my chest.
There you go-- right there.
We're going to do a double thumb
break, step to the side, groin,
elbow up and pop to the face.
All right?
I'm going to break that down.
Groin, elbow up, to the face.
Groin, elbow up and to the face.
Groin is very sensitive.
Very important in Krav Maga.
Groin, elbow up.
Groin, elbow up.
Got it?
And then to the face.
Really good.
Thank you.
Really god job, Kevin.
Okay, think we got that one.
Are you sure it wasn't a graze?
No, no, it wasn't a graze.
It was at least a half full stroke.
So what exactly constitutes a stroke?
Like, are we talking about when
you're sitting on the couch and
you do a lift and separate?
Oh, no, that's a classic
rerack-- that's involuntary.
So this was, like, a
coordinated effort?
Know what?
Maybe I have it wrong.
Maybe I was the one out of line.
Could have been part of the move.
It could have been part of the move.
Is that what we think Krav Maga is?
The old Israeli art of hand
jibber to hand jibber combat?
I don't know what to do.
I told Jenny, and she
said I was overreacting.
Whoa!
Okay, then you have a
loophole, my friend.
It is not cheating; it is Krav Maga.
This is your little secret.
Enjoy it.
Actually, as long as we are telling
secrets, um, I have a great one.
Nobody cares.
How about we do it like a blind item?
What person who we all know
was in a very unusual place?
Ooh, I know-- Andre,
in a woman's vagina.
There it is.
That's a strange place for you to be.
If you have something to
tell us, then tell us.
I can't.
Doctor-patient confidentiality.
Oop, I've said too much.
We really don't care.
Fine, you don't deserve to know.
I'm going to leave it for myself
on voice mail because I need to
say it out loud.
Okay, bye.
Oh, Andre.
Okay, so... We still don't care.
Please leave.
Thank you.
All right, just keep it together.
Hello, friend.
Hi.
Is there a problem?
Uh... yeah, actually.
I have this secret, and it's so good,
and it's burning a hole in me.
I just got to tell somebody.
Can I tell you?
Of course.
We all have secrets.
Wow, okay.
My best friend, Jenny, is married
to my best friend, Kevin.
Now, Jenny comes to my work
'cause she's got a tattoo;
she wants me to remove it.
And I was like, "Does
Kevin know about it?"
She's like, "Yeah,
Kevin knows about it."
Sir, you might want to sort of
streamline the information.
Oh, yeah, so she's like,
"I need this removed."
And I'm like, "Please.
I could do that, no problem."
You guys notice Ruxin made some
pretty bold lineup choices
for Thursday night's game?
He started Marshawn Lynch against
Philly, and it actually worked.
Where is he getting his intel?
And as the Lord turns his
all-seeing eye onto Carolina's
backfield this week, do you think it's
praise be Jonathan Stewart or praise be
DeAngelo Williams?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What's that?
Is that Ruxin?
And who is he with?
He doesn't have any friends.
We'll just have to look at a couple things, but...
Hey, Ruxin, what the hell is
going on?
Oh, I found salvation.
You see, we've been spreading
the Good Word in the
neighborhood with my brothers,
Gabriel, Ezekiel, Julian and Hank.
Hey, friend.
How are you?
Uh, we should get out
of here, right, guys?
No, no, we need to
meet Ruxin's friends.
See you, weird guys.
Thank you for bringing me
to the Light of Genesis.
Your friends seem nice,
but lost and wandering.
You know, we could help them.
Yeah, I think they're beyond salvation,
just like the 49ers' defense.
Seriously, what's going on
with the 49ers' defense?
So you got Ruxin to join a cult?
That's it-- prank war is over.
You won, buddy.
You know, normally I would
agree, but something's wrong.
He's legitimately into it.
Yeah, maybe it's their awesome ties.
Man, that is the kind of
inventory I need at Neckflix.
Speaking of which, your first
two ties have arrived.
Oh... um, I got a tie
that I already own.
That's why I'm saying I need more ties.
All I have is 15 of his
stupid, ugly ties.
I'm not paying for this.
Well, then, you're going to have
to pay the $200 cancellation fee.
Oh, praise be, my brothers.
What is with all this cult shit?
You look like a guy who gets
beat up by the Mormons.
Oh, laugh all you want, Kevin,
but the Light of Genesis
has helped guide me through
life's most thorny questions.
Like what?
Like: who will the Patriots'
number one receiver be this weekend?
Praise be Wes Welker or
praise be Rob Gronkowski?
The cult guys are into
fantasy football?
My brothers are God's fantasy warriors.
We share our knowledge
with one another.
Wait a second.
So they're probably not good
about keeping secrets, are they?
Whatever my brother knows, I know.
Is Jenny home?
Yeah, she's floating around somewhere.
Be right back.
Poor lost Andre.
I remember when I was like him,
but that'll all change on Sunday
when I'm officially baptized
into the Light of Genesis and
all of their knowledge will be mine.
You're joining a cult to get
fantasy football information?
Oh, Pete, "cult" is such a
pejorative term, like "creep"
or Andre.
Nay, the Light of Genesis is a
path than can help one visualize
one's life, and the visualization
that I have right
now is of me holding the Shiva.
That's it-- visualization.
Crazy Cult Ruxin, tell Lawyer
Ruxin to write this down.
I need to apply
visualization to Neckflix.
I can no longer be your lawyer,
as I serve a higher power now.
There is no higher
power than Taco Corp.
Peace be with you, my brothers, and
also with backup Oakland running back,
Taiwan Jones.
I'm going to crush
you guys this week.
I knew it-- he's in there.
Hey, Jenny.
Can I sit down?
Sure.
I just want you to know that I value our
friendship paramount to anything else.
Okay.
I told your secret to somebody.
No... Andre!
I didn't mean to.
I didn't... I told a stranger, and
I thought it was going to be
okay, but now that stranger's
not a stranger; he's part of
Ruxin's cult, and now everyone's
going to know about it.
I'm so sorry.
I just want you to know, I will do
anything to make this up to you.
You want a boob job?
I don't need a boob job.
Mmm... I don't!
I'll throw in the vaginal
rejuvenation, too.
We'll be all... You know what?
I don't want you anywhere near my business,
and you clearly can't be trusted.
I will do anything.
Look at me-- I'm on bended knee.
I am hurt.
I am betrayed.
I want Rashard Mendenhall
and LeSean McCoy.
Yes, yes!
That will make it better?
Friends trade, right?
Here it is-- trade accepted.
Friends?
We'll work on it.
Jesus.
Take it easy.
Oh, wow.
It's creepier than I thought.
Only a place this creepy
would take Ruxin.
Some of the Light of Genesis's
teachings aren't that creepy.
I've been visualizing my
Neckflix business plan and, of
course, listening to Abacab.
And let me tell you...
Taco, nobody cares about
visualizing, all right?
Can we just get Ruxin and get
out of here before he wins...
Hello.
Hi.
Hello.
Welcome, friends.
Hey, how are you?
There's so many of them.
Welcome to the Light of Genesis.
How may we show you... The light?
A little bit faster.
Well, thanks for the, uh, welcome.
We are big fans of what you
guys have going on here.
Huge Genesis guys.
You know, to cut to the
chase, we want in.
Well, before we can share the
light with you, you have to
share the light with one another.
We'll lead by example.
Okay, you turn to your partner,
and you just extend the
fellow finger-- just the tip--
touch it and express your
appreciation.
I appreciate your smile, and I
like how you say my name in
your sleep.
I like that you watch over me
when I dream, and I like the
tiny shoulders that surround your head.
It's easy.
Now you try.
No.
No.
I'll try it.
No, no, you... Yeah, come on.
We'll do it-- me and you.
Yeah, you're going to need a partner.
Go ahead, Kevin.
No, I don't want to do it.
Come on, try it.
All right, do you have to...
He doesn't have to do the...
the... this, right?
It does feel better.
It's optional, but you should.
Can you just do it
Western grip, please?
Thank you.
Okay, fine, if I must.
Kevin, I know you may disapprove
of your wife's tattoo, but I
find it very...
What are you talking about-- tattoo?
It's okay-- we're in a
safe circle right now.
Secret is out, and, uh,
we can all share it.
Jenny has a tattoo.
She does not have a tattoo.
The pleasure chest-- show him.
I don't have a tattoo.
In fact, what I showed you
the other day was fake.
I don't have a tattoo.
You tricked me.
But what I do have-- pinky up--
because of your generosity,
I have Rashard Mendenhall
and LeSean McCoy, sucker!
I'll pinky on that.
You like that, guys?
Pinky love!
I'll just finger myself, thank you.
It's lovely to see you all sharing
in the light, and I wish
we could stay here and bathe
with you, but I have a baptism
to attend to.
I'll be here even in my absencee
hugging you with my mind.
Baptism!
You know, that is something
we would really like to see.
The baptism is only for elder members.
Julian... come on.
Come on, you can let us in.
Well, I... I'm on thin ice already.
Julian, we can be your
new best friends.
Five new best friends, Julian.
Okay, okay, okay.
May the light of Genesis be with you.
Initiate, please kneel.
Oh, Jesus, Ruxin.
Today we welcome a new member.
Shh, shh, please, just stay
here and be very quiet.
You got it.
Okay, enjoy the show.
We'll be right here.
We're not going anywhere, okay?
Let us all bow our heads
and collect our thoughts
in our bowl of consciousness.
Oop, there's no room.
You brought your lineup?
Yes. Why should Ruxin get all the help?
You know, there's a lot
room in this row.
Just shh! Get back.
Please.
That felt good.
Rise, initiate, and join
me at the baptismal.
Guys, where's Taco?
Bathroom...
Hmm.
Whoa! It worked!
Visualize, manifestize.
There are enough ties here to
keep Neckflix in business
for years.
There's something for every
demographic, every occasion.
World Cup, poor person
wedding, your own funeral.
Oh... thank you, Phil Collins,
Tony Banks, and to a lesser
extent, Mike Rutherford.
I forgive you guys for
We Can't Dance. Oh!
I am the light.
Glory be to the word of truth.
I am the light.
- Glory be to the word of truth...
- and my lineup.
Now let us join hands and
express our appreciation.
Really?
I got to touch pinkies with you?
Your soul to me is like an
eagle; it's ready to soar.
You have hair like a lady.
Thank you.
Guys, this is bad.
We got to stop this.
I cannot have another year
of the brain of Ruxin.
Do you accept the church?
Mm-hmm.
Do you promise to live by its
rules and obey its code?
Totally.
And once we all invite you
into the League of the Light
of Genesis, do you swear to
forsake all other leagues?
Well... Really?
Is he gonna do this?
My God.
Do you also swear to renounce
other deities and false idols?
Mm-hmm.
- Shiva...
- Why are you resisting?
Shiva... She sees you.
Brother Ruxin...
...you have to accept
before you tip your head.
I just need a minute.
Brother Ruxin?
What will it be, Brother Ruxin?
Ow! I can't! No!
Shiva Komedi Somakanakram!
We got our boy back!
Whoo!
Yes!
I am in one cult, and it
is the cult of Shiva.
And I'm the Grand
Poobah of that mother!
Yeah!
Boo! Face, son!
Excuse me, Taco, how
did Neckflix begin?
Well, I had a dream, I
visualized it, and I stole
a bunch of ties from the church.
Hey, Kev.
You walking to the lot?
Yeah.
Me, too. I'll walk with you.
Buddy system.
So, uh, this is me.
Ah, this is me.
God, you're doing so amazing in class.
You're killing it, Kevin.
I'm really impressed.
It's cold.
I sweat a lot.
I mean, not just in class,
but, like, right now.
When I get home, sometimes I'm so
tired, I won't even take a shower.
I just lay in my own filth.
Wallet and car keys now.
How are you supposed to drive two cars?
Oh, my God.
Kevin, finish him off!
Do the Lever!
I can do this: groin, elbow, groin...
What are you doing?!
I'm doing the Lever, the
move that you do on me!
I was hitting on you!
What? I'm married.
I'm married, too!
Get off my crank, man!
Okay, okay, you know what?
You know what, I can't, I can't do this.
I'm sorry.
Kevin!
I'm just gonna back to Zumba at the Y.
It's more my speed.
But thank you so much for all
the material from my yank bank.
Kevin!
What are we gonna do with this?
Get the (bleep) out of here!