The Last Weekend (2012–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Saturday - full transcript

Previously...
This is me, retracing my steps.

I'm not shaking your hand.
Come here.

Ollie and Daisy, they're my oldest
friends. We met at college.

I've got an inoperable brain tumour.
I'm going to die.

Ollie doesn't wanna talk about it
and Daisy doesn't know yet.

Ollie and I have a three-event
triathlon for money.

Oh, yes!

Beating you,
that's what counts.

Returning to the place where

bad things happen
can be unsettling.

Em's my wife,
for better or worse,



for richer or poorer.

I could murder someone
tomorrow.

You'd better watch out.

Milo, I can't go on my own.

Just wait there, all right.

Milo, I can't go on my own.
It's a funny house.

OK, so I wasn't shaking my head at
Milo's BMW,

or the fact that
his kids don't call him dad,

or my passion for Daisy, or sorrow
for Ollie, or my concern for Em.

No, I actually had other things
on my mind, that weekend.

The main one's down to Ollie,
because,

I don't know if you remember, but
he called me at work saying that -

Daisy's already asked someone for
the bank holiday.

What do you mean?



They'd invited this Milo
for the weekend,

and would Em and I
change our plans?

Which pisses me off, you know.

Oi, Campbell!

So, anyway, I'm on playground duty
and I come off the phone to Ollie,

and I see this kid
Campbell bullying this Year Two boy.

Get away from him!

So it's, 'Let's go and see
the head!' And he's...

- Is that so? Come here. Come here.
- Get off me. Get off!

- Please, sir, please.
- Shut up.

Let go, sir. You're hurting.

Oh, yeah? Well, now you know how it
feels, Campbell.

And I take Campbell
to our head and she puts

her arm around Campbell
for a quiet, little chat.

And I'm a teacher, so I'm not
expecting, 'Thank you'.

I'm also not expecting days later
to be told by Mrs Baines that -

Campbell's mother has made
a complaint against you.

- I'm sorry?
- An official complaint,

which triggers an independent
investigation,

followed by a hearing in front of
the governors. Whoa! Wait a minute.

This is ridiculous. She...

She complains that
I keep her child in order

and stop him bullying
younger children?

Ian, there's a doctor's letter
concerning Campbell's ear,

which speaks of inflammation
and temporary loss of hearing.

I barely touched his ear.

Ian, I am advising you
to contact your union rep.

So,

that Saturday, I'm see-sawing.

I'm all over the place.

All of which is complicated
enough, with Milo

and his two daughters showing up

who are a smokescreen, by the way,
because he's come with an agenda.

If he didn't play a part in what
happened that weekend, no-one did.

What are you doing? Stop.

What are you...?
What are you...?

What have you smelled?
Stay away. Sit.

Sit, Rufus. Sit.

Good boy.

What have you got, eh?

What have you found?

Amazing.

Point of interest:
in the kind of books

we give our
more advanced Year Sixes,

a dead owl

is an omen of catastrophe.

Imminent death.

And, in most mythology,
the owl is the goddess of betrayal.

- Did those kids wake you?
- No, I haven't heard 'em.

Oh, baby, that's nice.

Mm.

- I've been thinking -
- You don't wanna do that

We've got to help Ollie and Daisy
talk about what's happening to him.

You've got to tell her,
you have to.

No, not unless
you think she'd go to pieces.

Daisy's hard as nails.

I'd wanna know if I was her.

- Well, you say that...
- It's one couple helping another.

That's what friends are for.

And, in return...

Sorry, could you just let that fly out?

Yeah. In return, what?

Ollie could advise you how
to handle the hearing on Wednesday.

- No. No, no, no, no. Ian. No, no.
- Ian...

I've told you, I don't want that
mentioned.

He's a lawyer.
He could help you.

Yeah, I don't need his help.

You're one as bad as the other.

Maybe we understand each other.

Maybe you're both scared.

And you more than him,
cos at least he told you something.

I tell you what...

I tell you what, why don't you go
and talk to him, eh,

cos you seemed pretty friendly,
last night? Pretty nuzzly.

- I beg your pardon?
- In the car. You think I couldn't see?

Anyone could see. Anyone could see
that you fancied him.

- What are you on about?
- Come on, Em. Be honest.

Him leaning over to get the CD,
you didn't even try to move.

You enjoyed it. You enjoyed him
leaning on you.

Ian...

Hey.

Come on. Come here.

Baby, come here.

Hey. Hey.

Awww.

Are you feeling unloved?

Are you?

I tell you what,

why don't you go
and close those curtains...

.. and then get back in bed?

Eh?

Why don't you come back into bed?
Why don't you come back into bed?

- Cheers, everyone.
Cheers.

Here's to the bank holiday.

- Ian?
- Ollie?

- Tennis. Round Two.
- Ah, tennis is it?

- No way, it's too hot.
- Nonsense.

- Have you got somewhere booked?
- Yeah, it's owned by that...

ex-British tennis player.
What's his name?

- Henman?
- What?

No, don't be stupid.
Go away. It's er...

Oh, God!

Oh, who cares?
It doesn't matter.

- Ollie, if you're playing tennis,
- Yeah, between other things.

- Milo's going too.
- No.

- But you love tennis.
- No, but it's crap with three.

So play doubles.

Take Archie. It can be like the
Moretons versus the visitors.

- But we've got our triathlon.
- Yeah, so just count me out.

- No, absolutely not.
- No, no, it's fine.

Doubles for nothing
and then singles for Round Two.

Yeah. Cool.

Cool. Count me in. It's on.

Well, did you bring your laptop?

No.

- No?
- No.

No? I can't believe it.

No, no, didn't bring it.

So brilliant - he's working on
this art installation. Oh.

- His what, sorry? - Go on.
- No, you started it.

- Really? OK.
- Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

He's recording his physical
reaction

to scraping parts of
his body with a scalpel.

Different parts of my body.

My God. What do you mean?

- But where's the latest part?
- Erm...

Oh, my God!

- Doesn't that hurt?
- Well, yeah. Yeah.

That's part of the point.
While he's doing that,

he's got cameras on his face
and electrodes on his head.

Yeah, and then

I convert the brain readings

into musical notes

and I create a soundtrack.

Mm. Oh.

OK.

- It's gonna be called...
Body Narrative. Yeah.

Where's it gonna be on?

Well, you know, that's the thing.
I don't...

I don't feel ready to exhibit it,
you know...

.. like, in public.

'Thank God for that,' I thought.

'May your sick, narcissistic shite
remain unseen forever. '

And, as for Daisy's non-stop
gushing,

I mean, I wanted to puke.

I mean, let's be honest,

men don't like women finding other
men attractive. They don't.

And this Milo is
attractive.

Sorry, erm...

I should probably let you know

Daisy is Milo's agent.

She headhunts for big companies -
usually in advertising -

and he's a creative director,
whatever that means.

'Wanker,' I think.

So they know each other.

But all of this touchy-feely stuff,
I was shocked.

Spare a thought for Ollie,

because he definitely didn't like
this guy being around.

And, you know, Ollie's got other
things on his mind.

Literally.

So, you know, I felt protective
towards him.

And, when enough was enough...

...well, sometimes, you've got to
look out for your friends.

- It's true.
- No, it's definitely true.

And what you're doing is too good
not to be done. I'm telling you -

Where's your wife, Milo?

Where's your wife?

Bianca's in the States for a month.
She's a designer.

- Want some more?
- Yeah, please.

If she'd taken the kids, you could
be in the studio now.

- Sorry. You big wuss.
- Let me get that for you. Here.

Thank you.

So, Ollie, how's your work?

Ollie's applied to become
Queen's Counsel.

- Oh, wow! Wow!
- I've been pushing him to do it for ages.

- Doesn't mean it's gonna happen though.
- Of course it'll happen.

- Well, we'll see.
- It'll definitely happen.

Oliver Moreton QC
just sounds right.

QC sounds right after any name.

Ian Goade, QC.

- You see?
- Ian Goade, QC.

- Milo, what's your second name?
- Milo Fat Yogurt QC.

Milo Self Esteem.
Milo Blood Pressure.

Milo And Behold. Aaah!

Milo, look what we've found!

Look! Can we take it to
the seaside?

Cos you said - I...

Before you say yeah,
remember we're playing tennis.

Five-love.

Not a bad warm-up
for Round Two, eh, Ian?

Ian?

OK, now I'm getting
mixed messages, because

back at the house,
it was me and Ollie against Milo,

seeing off the interloper

but, here, I'm being treated like
an interloper too.

And yeah, part of it is mind games,
cos Round Two's coming up,

so he's, 'Smash the bastard!'
'Soften him up!'

But then he starts to have a go at
Archie as well and I think,

'Of course. It's the brain tumour. '

Get in.
Five-two, the comeback continues.

- Sorry, what was that?
- I didn't say anything.

You shook your head at me. You're
not so fucking brilliant yourself.

- Just go and get the ball, will you?
- No-one's gonna steal it.

- Everything OK over there?
- Fine.

Now that's a shot!

Wait. No, no, it's mine.

Aaah!

Hey, are you all right? Huh?

Are you OK? Look at me.

Ow! No, my head hurts.

Let's have a look at you.

- Are you all right?
- No thanks to you.

When your partner's before,
you've got to be ready to duck.

- Oh, so it's my fault?
- I'm not saying that.

- You're not saying sorry either.
- The shot was on target.

- The shot hit me in the face.
- Just get over it, will you?

- Let's finish the match, it's getting
interesting. - Fuck your match!

Sorry, you two. Dad's a prick.

Don't worry. He'll be back.

- Come on. Singles. Rough or smooth?
- Maybe we should go after him.

- You did hit him pretty hard.
- It's a tennis ball.

Yeah, but you got him
in the temple.

Yeah, I... I think that we should
definitely go after him.

I'll go. You guys play.

I knew there was a reason
for you being here. Thank you.

Right, come on, then.
Seconds out, Round Two.

- Rough or smooth?
- Rough.

Smooth.

One-love.

Yeah, he wiped the floor with me.

Except, three games in,

Milo's back -
he can't find Archie anywhere

and he's not answering his phone.

With a blow to the temple,
you can't take chances,

so we drive around.

All the courts are booked up for
the weekend with some tournament,

so the game was abandoned.

Yeah, I was gutted.

And still leading one-nil.

Look who it is. It is them.

Listen, I'm sure it's fine. Don't
panic, but we've lost Archie.

No, you haven't,
he got a cab back.

He got a...?

- Where is he? - He's not here.
He met some friends.

He went to a music festival.
He came back to get changed.

Met some friends?
We're in the middle of nowhere.

Will you listen to
what I am saying?

There is a music festival.

People
come from all over the country.

Right, so he's OK,
he's doing what he wants. Yeah.

But we don't get our game in.
No, that's fine, just terrific

Yeah.

That pub we were at yesterday did
have a pool table. We could -

Pool? What are you talking about?
This is a triathlon.

We're meant to be testing ourselves
against each other physically.

Why are you talking about pool?

- Ollie, will you just chill out?
- Why don't you just - Hey!

- No, it's
- Hey, hey.

Yeah.

I'm sorry.

The girls have made cupcakes.

Cupcakes?

My favourite. And meringues.

But they're for supper.

Well, for pudding.

Come on.
Let's go and have a look at them.

Look at all the cakes we've made.

Oh, my...

You have to talk to him.

She doesn't have a clue.

Yeah, I will, when I get a chance.

God, those kids are irritating.

- Don't they irritate you?
- No, I think they're sweet.

But I do know a way that we could

keep away from them for a while.

We could, erm...

You know.

We should.

If you're up for it.

- Yeah.
- Yeah?

Where?

Round the back of the bike sheds?

- No.
- Yeah.

Yes.

Come on. Round the back.

Come on.

OK, so, for those who are thinking,

'God! These two are at it all the
time!' we weren't, not normally,

but this weekend coincided with
Em being in her mid-cycle.

Em really wanted a baby,

which I wasn't sure about,
before this weekend,

but with our paths about to diverge
through no fault of our own,

it'd be nice to give her
something she wanted.

Like I told you, I pride myself on
my powers of recovery.

And it's not like
it would be a chore.

I could always think of Daisy...

...who remained my constant love.

Constant throughout.

Yeah.

We did it over there.

Mm.

- Oh, they are delicious,
aren't they? - Mm.

- Yeah, not bad.
- Ooh, 'Not bad' from Ian.

Wow! I've never heard
one of those for anything.

Yeah, you have. You've had one or
two, in the early days.

Yeah, I'm sure you have.

Daisy and I used to go out,
before she met Ollie.

Oh, all right.

Do you know how we met?

We were in the library and...

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Oh, sorry.

Gives a whole new meaning to,
'I've got a crush on you'!

And it's fair
to say that I...

...pursued her.

Yeah, but...

...we never went out as a couple.

What?

Well, not as
boyfriend and girlfriend.

Well, then, what would you say we
were doing the night we met Ollie?

I don't think
we should go into the details

of that particular
evening until later.

- You know the side pocket
in my blue bag? - Yeah.

- The DVD you wanted...
- Yeah.

- Why don't you go watch it
in the car? - Yes. - Hurry.

So... you were saying?

Ian and I used to share a flat when
we were at college

and, one night, I come home
and I think there's no-one there,

so I'm in my room,
playing my music -

Very loud.

Which we were enjoying,
because we were in the next room,

in bed by the wall and we -

On the bed, not in it.
On it. On top of the bed.

We were hanging out.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yes.

You're right.
She's right.

But, in his dreams...

Yeah. I cannot tell a lie.

Guilty as charged.

God, it's hot.

I'm not blushing at all.

Does anyone want any ice, guys?

Well, yeah, if you discount me
taking her top off

and kissing her breasts,
nothing happened.

She wanted to stay
that night, but

her parents were arriving
early the next morning.

Next time though, yeah?

So I was walking her
to her halls of residence.

And, if I would have
opened the door,

it would have made less noise,
because I knew how to turn

the handle without the door rattling.

Ollie would never have heard
and come out of his room...

Oh, sorry.

I just, erm...

...wondered what was going on.

Erm...

And, when I come back,

Ollie's waiting for me on the landing,
not naked now, no.

He's in that silk dressing gown,
the one with the tasselled belt.

All is lost, because it's...

Who was that?

Daisy Brabant.

And all's fair in love
and war, I know that

but, when I next arranged
to meet Daisy in...

in a bland, off-campus pub,

which I'd specifically chosen for
its lack of appeal to students,

Ollie is sitting there at the bar.

Coincidence...

...or evidence

that my best friend's
been sneaking a look in my diary

before I realised
I should always write in code?

But let's not forget,
Daisy also played her part.

Oh, yeah. Because, the following
week, she turns up at our flat

a whole hour before she knows
that I can be there.

But guess who is there?

Yeah.

And then, four weeks later,
they break it to me

that they're seeing each other.

Yeah.

It was as quick as that.

Where have you been?
You went to get ice.

And found instead,
for round two of our challenge,

two mountain bikes,
in pretty good nick.

So, I throw down the gauntlet.

Ollie, just so you know,

he's been down the gym on
fitness bikes every day this summer.

- Has he?
- Yeah.

Well, nevertheless,
I pick up your gauntlet,

- and I strike you across the face
with it, sir. - Great.

- Which bike do you want?
- I'll have mine, you can have Archie's.

We do a lot of biking.
I've got helmets and everything.

I tell you what, we can go down
the coast and race back.

It's only five or six miles.
I'll just get changed.

Hey! Hey!

This is the perfect time
to talk to him.

Good luck.

And I was going to have
that heart-to-heart with Ollie.

I was.

Because Ollie's my oldest friend...

my best friend.

But the past...

once remembered,
has a gravitational pull,

which... sucks you back into
the feelings that you had then.

And I always felt...

Daisy was just
another conquest for Ollie.

Just him getting
another one over on me.

Because Ollie
has loads of girlfriends,

loads of women fancied him,

but Daisy was everything to me.

Which only increased her value...

in his eyes.

But the truth is...

he didn't love her.

He was just competitive.

- Ready, steady, go!
- Ah! We're off!

We're racing.

That's where my dad drowned.

Just swam out and kept on swimming.

Ah!

You all right?

- Ian?
- Yeah, I'm fine.

One-all's fine, is it?

Oh, well, it is with me. I think
we know where the momentum is.

See you back at the house!

- So, what did he say?
- Oh.

He didn't say anything.

You told me you'd spoken to him
and you'd tell me later.

Yeah, but we were busy racing.

What, there and back?

Well, he probably doesn't want to talk
about the one thing that's gonna

do him in.

- It's not that easy.
- It's as easy as speaking.

Oh, yeah,
"How's the tumour, man?"

Like you're speaking to me now.

Puddings. Maybe pudding
will stop Ollie from talking.

Has anyone heard of the troposphere?

No? It's the 12 or so miles
below the stratosphere,

where the weather comes from,
and guess what?

It isn't hotting up,
it's getting cooler.

Global warming is a fact, all right.

Only the oil companies
and their stooges deny it.

I think that we should remember...

that we're on a tiny rock, hurtling
around an insignificant star,

which will burn itself out
and remove all traces

that we even existed, whatever we do.
That's what I think.

Great Pudding anyone?

Yeah. Pudding's as good
an option as any.

- Em?
- Yes, please. It looks lovely.

With or without cream?

With.

- There you go.
- Thanks.

Has Ian told you about his
disciplinary hearing?

No, he hasn't.

Sounds intriguing. Do tell.

Erm, thanks. It's, erm -

Ian caught a boy,
Campbell, an 11-year-old,

bullying a much younger child.

This is a known trouble-maker,

and Ian had to restrain him
to protect the younger child,

and the boy has now made a complaint
against him, alleging assault.

So, he's up before the board
of governors on Wednesday.

- Poor Ian. - Sounds like
you need a good lawyer.

When Em says that you
restrained this boy, did you...?

- You didn't belt the
little bleeder, did you? - No.

I know you do have a temper.

- He took him by the ear.
- Yeah... just to calm him down.

I didn't grab him
or... yank him or... pull him.

- I simply -
- Took him by the ear? - Mm.

Right, erm...
his name's Campbell, right?

Am I right in thinking he's black?

Er... sorry.

- What are you apologising for?
- Uh... I don't know.

We're a multi-ethnic school,
so black or white,

it's not relevant.

- So, you're not being accused
of racism? - No.

- Well...
- I'm not.

There's been history
between Campbell and Ian.

- Ian runs the school football team -
- Yeah, this was a long time ago.

Competitive sports
have been outlawed -

- You shouldn't have said it.
- Well, my mum used to say it to me.

Used to say what?

Yes! Come on! Whoo!

Come on! Yes!

Very good. Very good, Campbell.

But pass next time, yeah?
Pass, you cheeky little monkey!

And he was fine. He smiled.

This only came out
after all the ear business.

He told his mum
that Ian called him names.

- Well, you did say that to him.
- What, you can't call kids monkeys?

Or just white kids.

I mean, monkeys are mischievous.
That's the association.

- I feel like I'm in the dock here.
- I'm just playing devil's advocate.

I know you didn't mean to be racist,
but I know what tribunals are like.

She's right, Ian.
You should have your defence ready.

I don't need a defence.
I can handle it. I'm innocent.

Yeah, innocence, I'm afraid,
is very rarely sufficient in itself.

Yeah, OK, well, maybe we should
talk about this tomorrow

- when we've all got a little
less wine inside of us. - Yeah.

- Anyone for coffee?
- Green tea, for me. I'll make it.

- Coffee sounds great.
- Not for me, thanks.

Shall we wash up tonight
or just leave it?

Shall we go for a walk?
Ey, shall we go for a walk, boy?

Where's your lead, Rufus?

Come on Rufus,
let's go for a walk, boy, ey?

Actually, I think I'm going
to hit the hay.

Yeah? Good.

Standing here,
on that bank holiday weekend,

watching
Daisy and this... Milo...

well, that was by chance, right?

But when Ollie and Daisy
first got together,

they would go
to her halls of residence to...

...you know...

sleep together.

And I would follow.

It was just
a measure of what I was feeling.

And all of it... flooding back
on that bank holiday weekend.

Although when I next look,
Daisy and Milo have gone...

to bed, I assume...

or to some quiet corner to...

...you know...

fuck.

Milo, is that you?

No, it's me.

Oh, sorry. I...

- I must have fallen asleep.
- Don't apologise.

I was talking to Milo.
The others went to bed.

Now...

now he's gone, too.

Hey.

Hey.

There, there.

Come here.

Come here.

Come here. There, there.

Aw!

Oh...

Daisy.

Aw!

- Thank you.
- It's all right.

Thanks.

- What is it?
- Milo.

Oh.

It's... it's finished.

You know, the marriage,
the lot, me included.

I had no idea.
I assumed everything was OK.

And what, he's just ended
things between you?

Yeah, he's moving
back to New York.

- Let me get you a drink.
- No, I've drunk too much.

Well, that's a yes, then.

Can you turn the light off? I
look dreadful when I've been crying,

and don't say I don't, cos I do.

You'll get another man. I guarantee.

What's so special
about Milo anyway?

Is he that good in the sack?

I've... I've lost him
as a client, not a lover.

I can't believe you thought that!

No!

He and Bianca have split up.

She wants to bring
the girls up in the States,

so if he's going to be
part of their lives, he has to go.

Me and Milo?

Argh!

Well, he's obviously
attracted to you.

Is he?
Yeah.

- Any man would be.
- Get off!

Now you're just being gallant...

which is very nice, but...

I mean it.

And you know it.

Yeah.

You're very loyal.

I am.

Yeah.

I'm so pleased you and Em
are happy together.

Yeah, we are.

I used to worry about you,
you know?

But everything's
turned out all right.

Come and give me a hug.

Yeah, OK.

Did she say that,
or did I say that?

In a way,
it's-it's irrelevant because...

because she wanted to hug.

And we were laughing.

- I'm falling off.
- We'd better sit up.

No, we'll be fine
if you just shift over.

God, I love you.

Dear Ian...

- you are such a good friend.
- Yeah.

Hey - erm... I think...

Uh. Ian...

No. No, no, no, no, no!

I'm not saying there wasn't
some... resistance,

and guilt, on her part.
On both our parts.

But that bite to my shoulder...

while her nails raked my back...

that was to excite...

not deter.

To add to the moment...

to urge me on.

Archie! What are you doing?

I could ask the same question.

I'm here with Ian,
as you can see.

- Hi, Ian.
- Hey!

How was the gig?

Great, but the campsite's crap.

Mum,
it's nearly 3:00 in the morning.

And you never stay up this late.

W- w-w... we were... we were talking.

Yeah, right.

Well, what else would we be doing?

It's obvious what you've been doing.

I'd have to be blind not to see.

I mean, how many bottles
can you get through in one evening?

I'm off to bed.
And I'm out tomorrow, as well.

Wait.

Archie, come here.
I need a hug.

Mum, you're off your face.
This is really weird.

It's not weird, I'm your mum.
I was worried about you.

Ah, yes!

Niext time...
What goes around comes around,

and pretty soon,
it's pay back time.

All I saw was them...
holding each other.

If you feel after all this time
like you've made a mistake...

- Ah! - You are my truest
and dearest companion.

Is she having an affair?

A big thank you for that, Em.

What, you think I don't know the
smell of cum on a fucking tissue?