The Last Man on Earth (2015–2018): Season 3, Episode 2 - The Wild Guess Express - full transcript

Todd is feeling awful over recent actions, so Tandy tells a few white lies to cheer him up.

Previously on The Last Man on Earth...

I am worried about Melissa.

Hey, guys, how would you like to stay?

You're not gonna regret this.

I know we won't.

You lied!

So you could infect me with the virus!

I think I killed him!

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

I told you he was crazy.

Oh, yeah, Lewis, this isn't

a "Who-Knew-Who Was-Crazy-When" contest.

And if it was, I won
'cause I knew it all along.

Oh, please, you could not
get his jeans on fast enough.

I put them on very slowly, Lewis.

Hey, hey, why are we slowing down?

- I'm flooring it. Nothing's happening.
- It's the gas.

Gas goes bad.

Pull over. We can hide in that house!

Oh! Okay, get in! Get in!

Okay. Okay. Okay.

- Tandy, close the door.
- Hey, I'm trying.

- Help me with this.
- Okay.

Oh... my... God.

- No way.
- What?

I think we might be in Cher's house.

Well, I don't know.

It could be a fan or a drag queen.

Nope, this is definitely Cher's house.

She still looks radiant.

I mean, I-I... I just grazed
him! I think I... It was just...

It was just a tap. I mean,
Pat's gonna be fine, right?

I definitely heard bones breaking.

I'm night blind,

so I've run over a lot of animals.

Possums, coons,

squirrels, dogs and cats, of course,

and one animal... I
never knew what it was,

but it yelled "Stop!"

Might have been a parrot.

Yeah, so I'm thinking just maybe

a couple broken bones, or...?

Oh, no, you hit him dead-on.

I mean, we're talking full on smush.

Yeah, but, I mean, he's
gonna be fine, right?

Oh, yeah, a lot of people
pull through situations

where their intestines
shoot out their butts.

- Good God.
- Todd,

you should be hoping you killed him,

'cause if you didn't,
he'll be coming for us.

And right on cue, the freakin'
peanut gallery opens his shell

and shoots off his little peanut mouth.

Carol, what are you doing?

I'm just having trouble
reading your emotions.

Oh, you're irritated.

Okay, all I'm saying with
my little peanut mouth

is that we need to
be very cautious here.

Yeah, I'm with Lewis.

Let's leave before Pat
comes back and kills us all,

or makes us wear those
friggin' janky jeans.

Okay, fine, since Lewis has

everyone's panties
jumping up their buns,

I'll go over there and check it out.

No way, Tandy! What if they're right,

and he makes us wear the janky jeans?

Look, I'll be very careful.

You know me. I'm an
expert at sneaking around.

Oh, my God, what's that?


I'm gonna be just fine.


It's me... Tandy.

Now, don't get any ideas!

I'm not alone!

I ran into some ex-Marines
and MMA fighters.

Guys, introduce yourselves.

Hey, I'm Jed. Semper Fi!

I'm CJ. Jujitsu is my game!

Oh, hey, there. I'm Frisco.

I'm a neck snapper!

Oh, and hello.

I am, uh, Julius.

Uh, Semper Fi. Another marine.

Okay, Pat, it's me again... Tandy.

Now, we're gonna come out.

Don't try anything stupid, okay?

We're all heavily armed.

Okay, guys, single file.

Come on, hup two!



You okay?


Taking a little snooze, huh?


Watch out!

I guess I should
probably say a few words.

Get your hat off!


Pat, we had some good times,

and then at the end there,
we had a really quick bad one

that led to this.

But even though you turned into

kind of a monster there at the end,

and, you know, you
tried to kill my brother,

you still deserve a proper burial.

Everybody here? If I
could get your attention.

Uh, bring it in, take a knee.

Melissa? Melissa?

Uh, thank you.


Got something I, uh... I got to say.

He dead.

He dead?

He's dead, or he died.

In times of grief,

people often abandon
the rules of contraction.

Oh, my God, I killed someone.

Hey, buck up, bud.

You did the right thing.


- you saved us from a ropeable psycho.
- Yeah.

You're a hero, Todd. He was a bad guy.

I'm sorry.

I'm gonna need... need a minute.

Oh, way to go, Lewis.

Calling him a hero.

Read the room, dude!



Hey, bud.

You're really taking this hard.

Tandy, I killed someone!

That doesn't go away, man.

This'll be with me for
the rest of my life.

I'm not sure I know
how to live with this.

Come on, Todd, you don't mean that.

I do!

I don't know how to live with this!

Todd? Todd? Todd? Todd?

Todd? Todd? Todd?

- What?
- Todd?


Pat is alive.

- What?
- Yeah, he's alive.

That can't be.

Well, it-it... it be.

But you told everybody he was dead.

Well, yeah, I told 'em
what they needed to hear.

You know I do that from time to time.

I mean, how do you think
they'd feel if they knew

some deranged maniac
was on the loose? Huh?

So I didn't kill him?

No. He's totally alive.

In fact, he's moving around
better than I've ever seen him.

Just, like, j... hoppin'
around, jumping around.

- I got to go talk to him.
- Yeah. Oh, no, no, no, no.

That's a bad idea. That's
a bad idea. He's pissed.

This is my mess, and
I got to clean it up.

I'm gonna do it with

- or without your blessing, okay?
- No...

Uh, uh, o-okay, okay,

okay, yes, yes. Okay, fine, fine.

But let me go over there
first, okay? You know that

Pat and I are buds, so, uh, you know,

maybe I can heat up the pool
a little before you dive in.

Yeah, sure, okay.

Hey, Todd?

You feel better?

You know, this is gonna sound selfish,

because Pat's alive

and the group is in danger,

but, yeah,

I really do.

Good, good.

Okay, I'll be back very soon.

And-and, Todd, do not tell the others.

Pat? Pat, I'm here with Todd,

like I told you.

He's here to apologize.

Pat! Where'd you go off to, bud?


Oh, good God.

What the hell?




I just talked to him, like, an hour ago,

and he seemed to be cooling down.

Something must've set him off.

So crazy. I mean,

what a difference an hour makes.

Heck, less than an hour.

55 minutes. Maybe even 50.

Paint's wet.

Yep, definitely done
within the last hour.

Looks like he lit a little incense.

What do these take,
like, an hour to burn?

So it must've been lit,
like, 30 minutes ago.

So recent.

Tandy, look at these.

Oh, my God, let me see that.


That ink's, like, 18, 20 minutes old.

He was just here.

- Oh, damn it!
- He was just here.

What are we gonna do about the others?

- What do you mean?
- They're gonna want to come back here.

- Eh, it's fine.
- No, Tandy,

there is a maniac on the
loose, and he is pissed at us.

Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, no, no, I see your
point. Yes, yes, yes.

Okay. Uh, oh...

- how 'bout this?
- Okay.

We stay away for a few days.

- Right.
- Maybe we'll get lucky

and he'll, you know, come back here

and paint something on the wall
saying he sailed off to Hawaii.

Wouldn't it be nice if he did that?

But, hey, what are
the chances? We'll see.

How are we gonna keep 'em from
coming back here without scaring 'em?

Easy. Just follow my lead.

Okay, guys, so, uh, I took Todd over

to see Pat's dead body.
You know, desensitize him.

And it went great. Right, T?

Uh, yeah, you bet.

Y-You know, I, uh...

I-I looked at it, uh, long enough to...

feel better.

Anyway, so I think it might be best

to just hunker down here
for the next few days.

It's pretty gross over there.

It's like a freakin' flock of seals

jumped into a wood chipper.

I mean, like, every inch

of the place is coated
in blood and stool.

Right, T?

Yeah, blood, stool, vomit.

Vomit. Forgot about the vomit.

- Semen.
- I didn't see that.

But, okay, yeah, semen, sure.

- I don't care. I want to go home.
- I know you do,

Care Bear, but I'm gonna
have to insist that we stay.

- I'm making the call here.
- You know, Tandy,

I think people can make
their own decisions.

Is that so?

Yep. I'm going back.

- That's my decision.
- Yeah,

I'm my own person, and I'm
going back if Gail goes back.

Let's go.

- You're making a big mistake.
- No, guys!

Please, don't-don't go! Listen,

Tandy, we got to tell 'em.

Tell us what?



Guys, Pat is alive.

- What?
- What?

But, Tandy, you told us he was dead!

Guys, guys,

guys, relax, okay?

Pat is very dead.

No, Tandy,

we got to come clean.

Listen, Tandy lied to you

because he didn't want to scare you.

But the truth is Pat is alive,

and he is friggin' pissed at us.

- Oh, Lord on high.
- Oh...

Fine, yes, yes, yes,

- w-we have to be honest, right?
- Yes.

Okay, and the truth is...

Pat is alive.

I don't understand this game!

Tandy, which is it?

Pat is dead.

- What?
- He's alive.

He's-he's dead.

He's alive.

Philip Tandrew Miller,
is he alive or is he dead?


He's alive.

Oh, bloody hell, Tandy!

God, what are we gonna
do? What are we gonna do?!

- We need weapons!
- Yeah.

Oh, farts.

Grab Oscars, Emmys,

Grammys, Golden Globes!

Anything that can be turned into a shiv!

Guys, come on,

relax! I mean, he's just one guy!

Just one guy who wants to
kill us, you friggin' dingbat!

He doesn't want to kill us.

Tandy, he literally
wrote on the wall he wants

to cut our heads off
and drink our blood!


Melissa? What are you doing up there?

Oh, I'm just in Cher's tree

throwing some of Cher's
bocce balls at Cher's vases.

Okay, but, hon, I'm-I'm
gonna need you to come down,

because it turns out
that Pat is way more alive

- than previously advertised.
- Oh, that's too bad.

Be right back.

Wait, where you going?

To kill him. Oh.

I don't have a gun.

- Do you have a gun?
- Melissa,

are you okay?

I'm fine.

You know, I just worry because

it's only been two
days since, you know...

Since I killed that guy?


Eh, well, don't worry about me.

I can turn it off like a faucet.

Just like a faucet.



Carol, what are you doing?

Oh, Tandy, I'm so scared.

What if Pat comes here and finds us?

- He's not going to.
- You don't know that for sure.

Yes, I do, okay?

It's not possible.

Anything's possible if
you put your mind to it.

Not this time.

Here, have a seat.

Carol, Pat is dead.

But... well, you said he was alive.

Look, Todd was just so broken
up about the whole thing,

I had to do something.

So I lied to him.

I'm so proud of you.

I mean, you blew it on many,

many levels.

But your intentions were beyond heroic.

But I created such a mess.

I have no idea what to do now.

Look, you created a monster here.


So now you just have to kill it.

Oh, good God.

What, Tandy?

- _
- Aah!

Why God, why?!

This ends now!

No, Tandy,

don't be a hero.

- Oh, my God.
- The baby.

- Tandy, where you going?
- The baby!

What's going on?

There, down at the beach.

Pat's come for us,
like a bloodthirsty rat

to his pied piper.

But Tandy will save us.

Be careful, my love.

Tandy approaches.

Pat is sadistically calm.

Tandy suggests a truce.

Okay, what the hell is this?

Shh. Just let it play out.

I like to see where these things go.

Diplomacy fails.

Tandy delivers a
roundhouse kick to the face.

Oh! That's got to sting.

Tandy is going in for
more. What a takedown!

Body blow, body blow. Left hook,

uppercut, body blow!

Wait, what's this? Tandy's
offering to spare Pat's life.

He's extending his hand.

What a gentleman.

Oh, no.

Oh, no! He's thrown Tandy to the ground.

An epic battle!

The baby!

Tandy, no!

Use your strength!

Pat's going for the eyes.

He's poking Tandy's eyes.

With what will he use

to look at our precious baby?

Pat's on top. Now Tandy's on top,

and it looks like he's there to stay.

There will be no mercy this time.

Tandy grabs the hacksaw.

He's gonna give it to Pat.

He's gonna let Pat know

that he will be judged
on a different plane.

He's finishing him.

So much blood, rivers of blood!

Oh, there's no coming
back from this one, Pat.

This is it for you, Pat.

He's done it!

Oh, God, yes! He's done it!

Pat's dead! Pat's dead.


What the hell was that?

Well, I think it was
pretty self-explanatory.

I took care of beeswax.

Three cheers for Tandy, huh?

- Oh, Carol. Huzzah!
- Hip, hip, huzzah!

- Hip, hip, huzzah! Join in...
- Huzzah!

join in. Hip, hip,

- huzzah!
- Huzzah.

That was not Pat.

Yeah, that was fake.

- How do you know?
- Pretty sure Pat's body's

not made of foam.

We don't know everything about everyone.

Yeah, come on. The threat is over.

Now can we just move on?

Damn it, Tandy, I've had enough of this.

And I've had enough of you.

You shut the hell up!

Just shut your stupid mouth

and you listen to me for a change!

Do we look like idiots?


Do we look like idiots?


Then why do you treat us like idiots?

Now, just know

that we all already
know the answer to this.

But I want to hear you say it.

Was that Pat?


Is Pat alive?


So what possible reason do you have

to lie to us like this?

I killed him, didn't I?

I didn't want you to
have to live with that.

Thank you, buddy.

That's the nicest thing
anybody's ever done for me.

So, I really wanted you guys

to feel the essence
of Pat here, you know?

Get into his psyche.

So this was all you?


It's pretty good, huh?

See, I even, uh, misspelled
the word "totally."

Threw two Ls in there.

- No, that's spelled correctly.
- Huh.

Tandy, did you take a dump in the...


You know, Tandy,

you could have just told Todd
you came back to the house,

saw Pat alive, and killed him yourself.

- Yeah.
- How'd you get rid of the boat?

Did you sink it?


Oh, my God.

He gone.