The Last Man on Earth (2015–2018): Season 3, Episode 3 - You're All Going to Diet - full transcript

Tandy sets up an alarm system in the house, only to learn that Melissa has already done so, then the group decides to enjoy a change of scenery.

Previously on
The Last Man on Earth...

I just grazed him. I mean,
Pat's gonna be fine. Right?

He dead.

TODD: Tandy, I killed someone.

Pat is alive.

CAROL: Pat's come for us!
But Tandy will save us.

Pat is dead!

What possible reason do you have

to lie to us like this?

I killed him, didn't I?

That's the nicest thing
anybody's ever done for me.

CAROL: How'd you get rid of the boat?

Oh, my God.

He gone.

How could Pat be alive?

I mean, I did all the tests.

The breathing test.

The tickling test.

The kicking test.

And all of them came
back positive for death.

Wait, so I-I didn't kill him?

Oh, no, you definitely killed him.

It's just, he may be alive now.

Tandy, there's a trail of blood here.

Unless you were fooling around
with your sriracha sauce...

Oh, no, that's blood. (spits)

It looks like it leads to the beach.


- (spits)
- (gasping)



Well, Pat clearly came down
here to get to his boat.

Okay, we're not safe
here. We need to leave.

What? The boat's gone. We're safe now.

How do we know he didn't sail off

to get a bunch of new killing supplies?

Yeah, maybe he sent the boat
off to make it look like he left,

but he's actually here
in Malibu somewhere.

Hell, that hairy old turd
could be watching us right now.

Oh, my God, there he is!

- (all screaming)
- Look out!

(Tandy laughing)

Had to do it. BT... bad timing.


Look, you guys know that I'm known

for my rational thinking, right?

I'm telling you, we're getting
worked up over nothing here.

Pat lives his life in fear, huh?

And he thinks the virus is still around.

So, he's not planning
some bloody rampage

where he comes back to
stab us in our hearts,

or to decapitate us in our sleep,

or to carrot-peel our bodies

and then pour vinegar on
the freshly exposed wounds,

or to, like, you know, rip
into our eyeballs with a razor.

Okay, okay, we get
it. What's your point?

Pat's trying to get as far
away from us as possible.

Okay? Hell, he's probably
already in Hawaii,

toes in the sand, inking up some jorts.

That's the Pat I know.

(chuckles) Pat... good guy...

(stammering): at times.

(Tandy stammering)

Bottom line:

Pat's way more scared
of us than we are of him.

He's not coming back.

No, I got to admit, I agree with Tandy.

I spent a lot of time with Pat,

and he really is a very fearful person.

And he eats cat food.

That doesn't really have
anything to do with anything,

but it was just something
weird that I remember.

But, yeah, I think he's probably gone.

Thank you, Lewis. (chuckles)

You knew him best, Lewis.

Maybe we're overthinking this.

Shall we head back to the house?

- Yeah, I guess.
- I could eat.

- Yeah.
- Okay.

This is the right move.

We're safe here.

Hey, bud.

What you got there?

Hey, yeah. I, uh...

you know, I know people
are a little uneasy

about the whole Pat situation,

so I have created a little
makeshift alarm system.

TODD: (laughs) Neat.

Hey, you want a little taste?


Hey, Carol! Come here!

FISH: ♪ Jeremiah was... ♪

♪ Jeremiah was a bullfrog ♪
♪ Jeremiah was a bullfrog ♪

(laughing): Wow!

Isn't this something! (gasps)


(overlapping singing continues)

What do you need, Tandy?

Just wanted to tell you
you look wonderful today.

That kind of talk is grounds for a kiss.

Punishment accepted.

(laughing): I'm gonna give it to you.

- Mmm.
- ♪ Jeremiah was a bullfrog ♪

♪ Jeremiah was a... ♪

♪ Was a good friend of mine ♪

♪ Jeremiah was a bullfrog ♪

♪ Never understood a
single word he said ♪

♪ But I helped him drink his wine ♪


- Mmm, mmm.
- ♪ Was a good friend of mine ♪

- Mmm.
- Oh.


I'll be in the bedroom.

♪ Jeremiah, Jeremiah ♪

Look, I'm 100% sure that
Pat's not coming back,

but on the one percent chance he does,

this is a good safeguard, you know?

And plus, it's a fun song,
so it's a double blessing.


Oh, my God, did you notice

how Lewis just totally got my back

on the whole staying in Malibu thing?

I did see that.

Oh, it's so nice to see him
coming on over to Tandytown.

Well, let me tell you, I've
been living there for a while,

and the weather is fine.

Yeah, that's 'cause when you're there,

there's always sunshine.

Let me give you a hand
with these fish, huh?

Hey, why would I need a hand?

I got two of 'em already. Boom.

(laughing): I'd love your help.

Don't move!


Oh, hey, Lewis!

Did I scare you?

- Yes, very much so.
- (chuckles)

Uh, what is this?

Just a little sniper's nest.

Want to take a gander?


So, this is just your
standard slit trench.

Or as you probably know it, spider hole.

Sure. Sure. Right.

Uh, this is my primary vantage point.

What do you think?

Love it. Yeah. Yeah.

Good, uh, vantage point.

Slits seem appropriately... slitty.

Good trench depth. Yep. Sure. Sure.

(whispering): Ooh, there's Erica.

So, let's imagine she's
charging at us with evil intent.


(Melissa imitates gunshot)

Brain stem shot.

Brain stem shot?

Base of the brain.
One shot, threat over.

And this nest here gives me, uh,
great brain stem possibilities

- from every angle.
- Okay.

Here, follow my finger.

All right.

Brain stem shot.

Brain stem shot.

Brain stem shot.

Brain stem shot.

Brain stem shot.

Oh. Hey, Erica!

I just shot you.

Oh! Oh, okay.

You were a bad guy.

It was a simulation. It was fun.

Glad I could, uh, be of help.



Hey-oh! (laughing)

Couldn't resist.

Got it out of my system. (laughing)

Just wanted to say, uh, great
first day back at the house.

Uh, a-and by the way,
let's all give Carol a hand

for this amazing redesign. Huh?

- Carol.
- CAROL: Oh...


stop it.

You know, it was just a classic

"turn the frown upside down" deal.

Here, I'll show you.

Oh, so I took all the bullet holes

and I turned 'em into daisies.

Watch your back, Martha
Stewart. Rest in peace.

And rather than get rid
of all the angry messages,

I thought maybe we should reclaim them,

like, you know, how
you turn sewage water

into delicious drinking water.

So, instead of, "We're
all going to die,"

I wrote, "We're all going to diet."

TANDY: Great idea, Carol. You know,

I've been looking to shed some LBs,

so, uh, that's gonna serve
as constant motivation.

Yeah, well, I think
you look great, Tandy.

(chuckling): Thanks, bud.

- You got it.
- Now, if I may have the floor

for just a few more... huh,
inadvertent rhyme there...

uh, I've been, y-you know,

thinking about some
general safety measures

that will protect you treasures...

advertent rhyme.

Okay, um, are we allowed to boo
throughout your little speech,

or do you want us to
just hold all our boos

to the very end?

Yeah, probably at the end.

- Okay.
- Uh, anyway, to put everyone at ease,

I've decided to give little
self-defense lessons each night

- at dinner.
- That's actually not a bad idea, Tandy.

Thank you, Lewis.

I... I actually need a volunteer.

Would you mind, uh, helping me out?

Um, sure.


All right.

Now, this is a Taser.

Wait a minute.


are you gonna tase me, Tandy?

No, I'm not gonna tase you, Lewis.

Okay, now just come at me
like you're a murderer. Okay?

(sighs) Okay. Okay, fine.


I'm a murderer, I'm
coming for you right now...

Okay, just... Lewis,

come on, what are you, like,

the friendliest murderer of all time?

Get back there and act like a murderer.

You want to murder me!
You want to kill me!

I'm nervous that you're gonna tase me.


trust me.


Okay, so you'd just press the button...

- (Taser buzzing) Oh!
- Tandy!

- Oh, no! Tandy!
- Oh, oh, oh, oh...

- Oh, oh, oh.
- Ooh...

- Uh-oh. Still going.
- (gasps)

Wait, what do I do? What do I do?

Try taking your finger off the button.

(buzzing stops) Oh.

Oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You just take your finger

- off the thing.
- Uh, oh... God...

sorry, bud.

Wow, this thing really works, huh?

Uh, somebody set a timer

so we can see how long
he's incapacitated.

- (quivering)
- You okay down there, bud?

(sighs) Okay, well, good first day.

Why don't we eat?

- He can join in progress, right?
- (quivering)

- Hey.
- Oh, Tandy. Hi.

Take a look at this, huh?

What do you think?

I love it! What is it?

Oh, here, get on all
fours and I'll show you.

- All right.
- Okay.

I trust you, here.

There's some point to this, sure.

This is so if anyone
comes into the house,

they will be unable to
locate and murder the cow.

- Wow.
- I call it "cow-moo-flage."

(both laughing)

I love it. You could open a store.

I'd like to.

Hey, Carol?

You don't think that Lewis was upset

that I tased him, do you?

No, I think he understood where
from which you were coming.

You sure? 'Cause I noticed
a look when I zotzed him.

That might have just
been his body seizing.

I-I just really regret
the way that I treated him.

And, uh, I don't know...

just hope that one
day, we can, you know...

- You want to be his friend?
- Yeah.

Well, your heart's in the right place.

Why don't you just ask him?

I'm so bad at these things.

You just speak from your heartmouth

and you can't miss.

I'll do that.

- ♪ Jeremiah was a bullfrog ♪
- Oh, God, do you think that's Pat?

Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. Just follow me.

♪ Was a good friend of mine ♪

♪ Jeremiah was a bullfrog ♪

(shotgun cocks)

♪ Was a good friend of mine ♪

♪ Never understood a
single word he said ♪

♪ But I helped him drink his wine ♪


(all screaming)

- Oh!
- Oh!

Erica, you put the fear of gosh in us!

Geez, guys, cool your jets.

I just had a bout of morning sickness.

(gags) Oh, don't say morning sickness.

(gagging): Oh, now I've got it.


we need to do a better
job at figuring out who

is setting off our singing wall fishes.

Tap shoes?

And there's whistles in there, too.

So, I propose

that when we walk around,

we wear these tappers and
we blow these whistles.

That way, when we hear
our singing wall fish,

but we don't hear this...

(whistle blowing)

(shoes tapping)

(whistle blowing, shoes tapping)

we'll know it's someone
that needs to be terminated.

Okay. Well, I'm with you in theory.

But I guess my only problem is that

I'm not gonna wear
those frigging things,

and y'all can suck it.

So, a maybe from Gail.

Okay, now, before you leave, FYI,

I got a few extra
Tasers and I placed them

at what I like to call "tasing stations"

throughout the house.

Th-They're all very well marked

with these signs that, uh, Carol made.

I'm doing something
similar, but with axes.

Uh, I didn't put up any
signs or anything, but it's...

basically just a bunch of
axes around the house...

pretty self-explanatory.

There's one over here.

So, what you do is you just take the ax,

swing it through the person.

And then wipe off the blood
and put it back in its station.

Speak from the heartmouth.

Speak from the heartmouth.

Oh, hey, Lewis!

Thank you so much for joining me here.

Uh, I'll get straight to the point.

Uh, you ever heard the story
of the lion and the mouse?

Uh, yeah. I think so.
It's been a long time.

Okay, well, then, why don't
I give you a little refresher.

So, there was this fierce lion,

he lived in a beautiful savannah.

He had many brothers and sisters...

he was the middle lion of 11.

Uh, Freddy was his oldest sibling,

then came Robert,

and then Lewis, then Taylor...

Hey, Todd.

- I've been thinking and I'm...
- Shh...

Tandy's asking Lewis to be his friend.

Oh, Lord. Everyone's crazy.

And then there was Tabitha,

and then Glendon,

and the youngest
sibling was called Mouse.

A weird name for a lion,
and also a little confusing

as an actual mouse figures
prominently into this story.

Anyway, this mouse...
not the lion named Mouse,

but the actual mouse...
was an only child,

but married into a very large family.

His name was Tetracles and
his wife was Patricia. Now,

Patricia was one of 21 mouse children.

Their names, by height, were
Debra, Daniel, Dorothy...

all Ds... Dominic...

What's going on?

I have no idea why I'm watching this,

but apparently Tandy is asking
Lewis to be his little buddy.

Oh, my word, it's happening!

And then their mother,
she had a brother Terry,

who, uh, died shortly after mousebirth.

Anyway, so this story has
something to do with, you know,

this mouse and this lion,

and, you know, there's, like,

a-a thorn in a foot. Right?

Uh, long story short...

Lewis, will you be my friend?


fine. Yeah.

Yes? Really?

(imitates explosion)

(gasps) He said yes!

(squealing): He said yes!

Hey, bud, so you want to,
uh, chuck around the pigskin?

- LEWIS: All right.
- TANDY: Go out.

What are we doing?

Ah, nothing. Tandy and
Lewis just became friends.

You know, I gave it
my blessing. Whatever.

- Wait, down on the beach?
- Yeah.

Hey! No! (whistle blowing)

Oh, back to pass.

Oh, little high.


Okay, so I think that most
of us are aware by now,

but, uh, Melissa has planted
a series of land mines

down here on the beach.

Yeah. That's normal.

I put up a warning.



it was in my pocket.

So, basically, I just
decided to make the beach

less of a hangout area and
more of a protection zone.

So, there's a bunch over there.

A bunch over there.

That area has a few.

And then that area is loaded.

So... bunch, bunch, few, loaded.

Got it. Everybody got it?

Okay, this has gone on long enough.

Well, I think everyone should know

where the land mines are, right?

No. I mean, what are
we still doing here?

Okay, well, now I'm lost.

(stammering): We're
down here on the beach,

talking about where the land mines are.


I am saying, why are we staying here?

This beach is littered with land mines,

a madman knows exactly where we are,

this house is a complete disaster,

and those fish... that song...

I mean, what are we doing?

We need to get out of here.
This place is a nightmare!


If anything, this
place is a day-stallion!

Okay, but we can live
literally anywhere in the world.

Lewis, it might be easy
for you to just pack up

and leave, 'cause you just
got here, like, five days ago.

But we've been here for a long time.

This place is part of
who we are, you know?

This is our home.

We've laughed here. We've cried here.

We've fallen in love,

we've experienced the miracle of life

and the pain of sickness. You know?

We've buried friends.

And somehow,

against all odds, we
became a family here.

It's gonna take a lot more than
a couple friggin' land mines

to make us leave it.

I would avoid that area.

Shh, shh, shh, shh.

It's nothing.

- (fork clatters)
- (screaming)

- Sorry.
- Oh, geez.

I'm gonna turn in.

(shoes tapping, whistle blowing)


- (explosion)
- (gasping): Tandy!

- (explosion)
- Oh, my God!

(car alarm blaring)

- (whistle blowing)
- (echoing): ♪ Jeremiah was a bullfrog ♪

♪ Was a good friend of mine ♪

♪ Never understood... ♪

- (car alarm blaring)
- What is happening?!

It's got to be Pat!

Oh, relax, it's not Pat!

Then who the hell is setting
off those land mines?!

I don't know!

What are we gonna do?

- (automatic gunfire)
- (screaming)

- Hey!
- (screaming)



What are you doing?!

I don't know anymore!

(automatic gunfire)

Who is shooting at us?

It's Melissa! She's not shooting at us!

Then who is she shooting at?

She doesn't know! She's
shooting at random!


Oh, my God, we're all
gonna die, aren't we?


The tide came in, it
triggered the land mines,

the vibrations from the land mines

triggered the car alarms! That's all!

Okay, see? I told you we're fine!

So, let's all just go
back and get some sleep!

(explosions, automatic gunfire)


My bad! I was laying some blanket fire,

and one got away from me.

I can't live like this anymore!

Look, admittedly, we're
working out the kinks.

But we'll get a handle on this!

No, I'm with Gail! It is not worth it!

Tandy, this is no way to live, man!

Guys, come on! There's nothing
to fear but fear itself!

Did we learn nothing from Tony Robbins?

LEWIS: All right!

I'm leaving tomorrow!

Anyone who wants is welcome to join me.

Count me in.

- Me, too!
- I'll go with you!

Tandy, we should go with them.

We can't just give up!

This is our home!


we're friends, right?

You know that story you were telling me

about the lion and the mouse?

Well, it ends with the
mouse pulling the thorn

out of the lion's foot.

I know you have a lot of memories here,

but I think maybe it's time

to pull the thorn out of the foot.

(explosion in distance)

(shoes tapping)

- ♪ Jeremiah was a bullfrog... ♪
- Good-bye, Billy.

- ♪ Jeremiah was a bullfrog... ♪
- Good-bye, Billy.

- ♪ Jeremiah was a bullfrog... ♪
- Good-bye, Billy.

- ♪ Jeremiah was a bullfrog... ♪
- Good-bye, Billy.

CAROL: I think I already know

the answer to this, but I got to ask.

Can we bring Cher?

No, right?

Never mind. Delete.

(clicks tongue) Where to?


Guess we'll see.

- (engine starts)
- ♪ Jeremiah was a bullfrog ♪

♪ Was a good friend of mine ♪

♪ I never understood
a single word he said ♪

- (explosion)
- ♪ But I helped him drink his wine ♪