The Last Man on Earth (2015–2018): Season 3, Episode 16 - The Big Day - full transcript

Tandy and Gail have a disagreement.

- Previously on The Last Man on Earth...
- Baby bump alert.

I haven't had any
pregnancy symptoms.

What if something's really wrong?

Can you tell us your name?

I'm starting to wonder
if he's ever gonna talk.

She's kind of in a foggy stage.

I've been having to guess on her dosage.

The big day.

The big day.

You excited?

I'm so happy.

Yeah, I am, too.

What are you thinking about?

Someone very special to me.

I wonder who that could be.


you're my rock.

And you're my roll.



I'm in here.

Are you freaking kidding me right now?

No way.


I have been waiting for this moment

for so long, and it finally came.

What are you all hyped up about?
It's no big deal.

No, this is a very big deal.

Do you know how long
you've been promising me

you'd paint my go-kart pink

for breast cancer awareness?

Thank you.


what do we say
when someone says thank you?

- You're welcome.
- That's right,

we say you're welcome.

Jasper, thank you very much
for saying you're welcome.

You're welcome.

Thank you for that one, too.


You're welcome.


Let's go get ready for the big day?


Okay, let's see what we got here.

Those have not come back yet.


No. That's not good.

Maybe we just need to

let 'em get a little air for a while.

Okay, yeah.


Well, should we get going?

Yeah, don't want to be late
for the big day?

Will you help me up?


Pretty ugly spot for a wedding?

First of all, I'd like
to commend the bridal party

for the choice to all wear
wedding dresses.

Just beautiful.

And I mean, we all know
who's getting married,

so that was not confusing at all. Yeah.

Melissa, Todd,

we just heard a beautiful
rendition of your coitus anthem,

"She Drives Me Crazy."

And now, you are uniting your souls,

much the same way you did
your penis and vagina

so many times to that beautiful song.

And now, that song has taken on

a whole new meaning, when
the bride went medically crazy

after killing a man she did not know.

But that was the past.

And this is the future.

Look how far we've come?

The last six months

have been, by far,

the most interesting
that we've all shared.

A real roller coaster.

So many powerful moments...

too many to go into detail,
you know.

And we were all there anyway,
so, you know,

what's the frickin' point, yeah?

But, bottom line,

we're stronger than ever.

Let's get to the vows.


would you like to go first?


you are my savior.

And I can't wait

to spend the rest of my life with you.

Thank you.

- Is that it?
- Yeah.


Todd, wishing he didn't
have to go second here?

Great job.


you're my home.

As you all know,

I went through the legal
and spiritual steps

to reclaim my virginity.

Today I wear white

as a symbol

of the three months
of abstinence we observed

as a couple.

And the two months I observed
as an individual.

I stand before you
pure as the driven snow.

I worship at your altar,

drinking in your spirit.


do you have the rings?

Jasper, don't you have something

you want to say?

Here are two rings around the rosie.



I taught him that. Good job, Jasper.

Jasper, what do we say when somebody...

Thank you!

The ring.

It is round like the sun,

the moon, and,

of course, the woman's cervix.

The cervix is heavily on my mind
these days,

as I'm about to deliver our child

from Carol's gorgeous womb.

And Carol and I couldn't
be more happy about it.

We are both so excited about it.

I'm reminded of the words

of Jeopardy! champion Ken Jennings...

- Wh...
- Okay, we're done here. I do. Todd?

I do, too. Okay.

Going straight into the kiss now.

Um, I have a statement to...

Ladies and gentlemen,

Mr. and Mrs. Chartres-Rodriguez!
And now,

we release the doves,
and by doves I mean crickets,

since all doves are dead.

Release the crickets!


Wh... Hey, you guys.

It's a symbol of peace.


So you still haven't told him?

Well, we had a talk about it.


And what did you say?

Um, I, well...

Right. I said, "Tandy."

And he said, "Yes?"

And then that's as far as we got.

You have to tell him
I'm delivering the baby.

The only thing that man
is qualified to deliver

is rancid farts.

But he's been studying so hard.

He wrote whole rap
about the stages of labor.

It's very good.

- Do you want to hear it?
- No.

His plan is to put on shoes?

'Cause my plan is to monitor
the fetal heartbeat,

time your contractions,

and measure your dilation.

So you're not gonna wear shoes?

I'm gonna wear friggin' shoes.

Carol, do you still want me
to deliver this baby?

Of course. But how am I gonna tell him?

You just do it.

Yeah. Okay.

Yeah, just do it.

- Yeah.
- Okay.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Unique New York.

Red leather, yellow leather.
Red leather, yellow leather.

- Tandy?
- Unique New York. Yes?

Remember last month when I said "Tandy"

and you said, "Yes?"

- Of course.
- Well, there's more.

W... Can it wait a sec?

I was about to say a few words.


Thank you. Okay.

Gather around, please.

And bring your glasses.

I'd like to make a toaster
strudel, if I may.

Todd, Melissa, I just want to say.

I-I'm so happy for you guys. You know?

You faced some tough times...

we all have.

My parents... they never
expected much from me.

And, to be honest, they
never got it, you know?


God, if they could see me now?

You know, delivering my own baby.


Friggin' doctor

in the family.

Mom, Dad, I did good.

I did good.

To Tandy.

- To Tandy.
- To Tandy.

Did we just toast to Tandy

- at our wedding?
- Yeah.

So what did you-what did you
want to say?

I have diarrhea.

When it rains, it pours.

You know what that means.

Aw, do we have to?

This is so nice. Isn't this nice?

It's great. Let's get out of here.

What's the rush?

I want to go have sex. That's the rush.

Hon, look, we waited this long.
Let's do this the right way.

Yeah, in the closet. Right now.

Not again.

Okay, let's go.

Look, my first time is not gonna
be in some dirty closet.

My God, Todd, are you trying
to make me insane again?


You ever had a spoon up your butt?


Look, let's just take
a deep breath, okay?

Enjoy the reception,

and then I'll give you
a night to remember.

Fine, let's do the reception.
Dinner now!

So, did you do it?


Lord, Carol.

I know you're in a tough position,

but this has got to be done.

His parents are so proud.
How's he gonna feel

if I tell him that I don't
want him to deliver the baby?

Just blame it all on me;
Tell him I forbid it

and that I'm being
a massive "B" about it.


He's my husband and I'm his wife.

This has to come from me.

So, this just in.

Gail forbids you from
delivering our baby,

and she's being a massive "B" about it.



She just put her foot down and
said she's gonna be my doctor,

and there's nothing I can do about it.

But I'm ready for this.

I know! And I yelled it at her.

But she was just like...

But this is my child!

That's what I said,
but even more emphatically.

But, yeah, apparently this is
just what's happening now.

This is the new normal.

And the sad thing is

I know you would have done a better job.

And I've said that publicly
to a bunch of people.

Go around and ask.

No. I am going to go talk to Gail

and tell her this is ridiculous!

I am delivering this baby!

Go ahead.

Finish the job.

Carol sell me out?

I pleaded with her not to do it,

but you know her,
always telling the truth.

Yeah. It's a wonderful quality.

You should try it sometime.

How about right now?

You're not good at most things.

Name one.

Math, jokes, basic hygiene,

ideas, knowing what
others think about you.

You named five... fail.

Name's Gail. You can have your "F" back.

Sometimes I get
my "F"s and my "G"s mixed up.

So why don't you fo guck yourselg.

No matter how much Carol protests,

you are not delivering this baby.

You've never seen me
in an operating room,

but I've seen you in one,
and it did not go well.

That was low.

I have spent every day
of the past six months

preparing for that birth.

I'm ready.

- You think so?
- I know so.

And I'm gonna prove it to you.



What a glorious
opportunity for rebirth.

God, I'm so happy that
my second first time's

gonna be so special.

You know, 'cause m-my
first-first time was not.

Her name was Tanya.

She was incredibly alluring,

but the mental side was just not there.

I mean,

the physical side was so there.

You know, it was electric.

We would glide effortlessly
from position to position,

you know, matching each other
orgasm for orgasm.

Todd, I've hung in there as long
as I could. Can we wrap it up?

Be gentle with me.

God, I hope I remember how to do it.

I'm so scared.

Guys! I need you right now!

- Please, follow me!
- No.

No, guys, come on! This is important!

Tandy, is it more important
than me losing my virginity?

1,000%, bud.

Well, well, well.

Thank you all for coming.

As usual, I'll be brief.

No, you won't.

Now, it's come to my attention that,

some people in this...

some people in this...

It's come to my attention
that some people in this room

do not believe in my skills

as an obstetrician.

Just say "Gail," dummy.


Gail-dummy does not want me
to deliver my own child.

Yeah, that's the right call;
You would suck.

Let's go.

Okay. Well, have a good
presentation, bud.

I'm-I'm cool with whatever
the group decides.

Thank you, Todd.

And I hope Gail is, too.

Now I have prepared
a series of demonstrations.

The first of which
will highlight my hygiene,

which some have wrongly hinted
may be a concern.

It was me, and I flat-out said it.

Well, allow me to assuage your fears.

In my hands are gloves,

but within a matter of seconds,
in these gloves will be hands.

Carol, start the timer.


Okay, go!

Time. Carol, time.

15 seconds.

Kind of a lobster claw thing happening.

I don't need all
my fingers to deliver a baby.

The point is

cleanliness, sterility,


Demonstration number two.

Some people in this room...

Again, just say me.

Have wrongly labeled me a klutz.

What? Are you afraid
I'm gonna drop the baby?

'Cause the only place
I'm gonna drop this baby

is off at college.

The delivery.

Carol, would you please do the honors?

It's a simple switch
on the side of the machine.

- Okay.
- You'll find it turns on the machine.




Four. Turn it off. Nailed it.

I already asked for the
machine to be turned off,

so that one does not count.

That doesn't prove smack, Tandy.

Delivering a child
requires actual skills,

or somebody's gonna get hurt.

Which leads me to
demonstration number three.

Now, before me is a baby doll
baked into Jell-O.

The doll represents our baby,
and the Jell-O represents.

Carol's delicate womb structures.

Carol, does that look
about right to you?


And, Gail, would you like
to taste the Jell-O

to make sure that it's actual Jell-O?

I'm good.

So, in this demo,

I'm going to prove that I'm capable

of safely delivering this baby doll

with exactly zero damage
to this metorical womb.


Gently entering the Jell-O canal.

How's this feeling, Carol?


Okay, good.

I'm tugging on it a little bit.

It's a very tight seal.
Good for you, Carol.

I do squeezers.


I can tell.

Note that the Jell-O

is still fully intact.

No. I'm seeing some
cracks there, crackerjack.

Just normal fissures.

Those will heal.

The amniotic sac is known
to have a natural give.

Ooh, there's a lot
of cracks there, Tandy.

I heard you the first time, Gail! Okay.

This one looks like the winter
is coming. It's com...

No, no. No. God.

Good God.

No, no, no, no!

I got it, I got it!

It's a girl. Okay, now we just

flip it upside down,
give it a slap on the rump

to get the oxygen flowing.

Okay... God! Good God.

Slippery little sucker?


Well, anyway, there you have it.

A healthy baby.

Demonstration over.
You're not doing this.

No. The decision is Carol's to make,

and she wants me to do it.

Isn't that right, Carol?

No. See, Gail?

No. She doesn't want you.

No, Tandy.

Wait. A double no to Gail?

I think one "no" will suffice.

You friggin' nimwood.

It's not me she's
saying no to, it's you.

What are you talking about?

Carol is scared to tell you
that she wants me

to deliver the baby.

Care Bear?



Tandy, are you in here?


Can I talk to you?


I am so sorry.

Why didn't you just tell me?

I've been trying to

for a long time, but I knew
how important it was for you

to make your dead parents proud.

Carol, it's not just that.

Then what is it?

I just remember Phil
on that operating table.

Watching Gail and Todd in there

and not being able to do
anything about it.

I've never felt more helpless.

And I loved Phil,

but you're the most important
person in my life.

A-And it's gonna be hard to just
sit in there and do nothing.

You won't be doing nothing.

You have the most important
responsibility of all.

You have to hold my hand.

Hey, Mom.

Darling son.

I-I just wanted to say no hard feelings.


Look, I'm-I'm sorry
about the Phil thing.

There was nothing you could have done.

Nobody could have.

And when it comes down to it,

I wouldn't want anybody else
to deliver our baby.

Thanks, Tandy.

You know, I can't do this all alone.

I'm gonna need a good copilot in there.

Gail, I would be honored
to be your copilot...

I've asked Todd.

Good call, yeah.
I was gonna, suggest that.

But Todd

is gonna need a flight attendant.

And that would b-b...

That would be me?

That would be you.

I'll think about it.

Yeah! O-Okay, I'll do it.

I would love to, actually.

That's great, thank you.

Guys, we have a situation.

What is it?

My water broke.