The Last Man on Earth (2015–2018): Season 3, Episode 15 - Name 20 Picnics... Now! - full transcript

The gang throws a party for every major holiday, but a rough patch between Tandy and Todd threatens the fun.

Previously on The Last Man on Earth...

Has he said anything at all?

- Not yet.
- We have to call him something.

Jasper, Jasper!

I don't know what I'm doing wrong.

I mean, I'm bending over
backwards for this kid.

Pulling out all the stops.

Carol,

you're pregnant.

What are you up to?

Just going to give
Melissa her medication.



Apparently, it takes a
few weeks to see results.

What's with all the amps?

Shh!

I'm trying to listen.

- Listen to what?
- Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh!

Listen to Jasper.

What's that?

I slapped one of these bad boys on him.

You got to see him, he
looks just like Britney Spears,

and that's a major compliment

'cause I always found
her very attractive.

I mean, not that I'm
attracted to Jasper.

Okay, this is all coming out very wrong.

So you're spying on him.



I mean, he still hasn't talked,

so I'm just trying to
figure out if he talks

when we're not around.

Do you have something broken in here?

My God, my God!

'Cause I'm a repairman.

- Deep baritone on that kid.
- Let me bring out my tool.

Tandy, I don't think that's Ja...

Where exactly is the problem?

Right in here.

Wait, who's that woman?

What the hell?

No, Jasper,

that's not for you.

Tandy, Jasper got into your
self-pleasuring library.

Yeah, no, I know
this one very well, yeah.

The repairman is there
to fix a clogged pipe,

and then gets sidetracked and, you know,

winds up doing some sexual
stuff with his customer.

- Tandy!
- Aah!

Sorry, you're right, spoiler.

No,

Jasper, this is for adults.

You understand?

Hey, bud.

Looking at the stars?

Look at that. Did you see that?

A shooting star.

That means that you get to make a wish.

You know what my wish is?

That I could take back
those things you saw

in that sensual video.

Now, I can't do that,

but I can make this a teachable moment.

Follow me.

Take a frog.

What we're doing now is having

what's called "the
birds and the bees" talk.

Okay?

So, why birds and bees?

Well, 'cause they're famously known as

the horniest of the flight animals.

You following me so far?

Okay, well,

here's where it gets a little
funky and a little cool.

So the bird takes his, ""

and, puts it in

the bee's "".

Know what I'm saying? Yeah.

And so anyway, they
just keep them in there

and they just move them around,

for what's usually a very,
very short period of time.

Right?

And, that's the
birds and bees talk. Yeah.

God, thought it'd be harder than that.

Well... but, hey,
that's what the bee said.

Boom.

Melissa, would you mind
wandering around like a zombie

somewhere else, please?

Yeah, Jasper and I

are having the... talk.

Hey, don't be scared,

she's not a zombie.

You probably don't
even know what a zombie is.

Well... you know when someone dies?

Well, a zombie

is a corpse that comes back to life.

And they're terrifying.

I mean, they have an insatiable
appetite for human flesh,

and they just keep coming
after you and after you,

till they get you.

And they're so fast.

- My God.
- There you are, hon.

Cannibals are...

- Melissa...
- Todd?

Could you please get Melissa out of here?

She's really freaking Jasper out.

I'm sorry, buddy. Here, hon,
it's time for your medication.

She's kind of in a foggy stage.

I've been having to guess on her dosage.

I'm not exactly sure how
much to give her, so...

Less maybe?

Yeah.

But maybe more, though.

That's kind of where I'm at.

Hey, bud.

Come on..

Aw, look at this.

He is a great little artist.

I thought it was important
he have all his stuff here.

Make him feel more comfortable.

Whoa, baby bump alert.

Yeah.

Looks more like a beer belly alert.

Hush.

You look fantastic.

Baby bump?

Yeah, it's crazy.

I actually popped a button
on my pants yesterday.

Funny, this button-popping story.

I don't recall you
wearing pants yesterday...

Well, that's 'cause I
popped a button on them.

Can I see these pants?

Carol, what do you want with
her mother-grabbin' pants?

She just told this intense story

of a button blasting off
the front of her jeans,

even though her belly pretty
much looks the same to me.

So I'm just wondering
where these magical,

button-popping pants are?

Are they in Al Capone's vault,

or talking to a Sasquatch and a yeti

at the bottom of the Loch Ness lake?

I can show you the pants, Carol.

It's fine, I don't want to see them.

But, yeah, happy for you.

And your bump.

Boy.

I'm starting to wonder
if he's ever gonna talk.

Maybe it's neurological.

No, I know he understands us.

I've seen him roll his eyes at Tandy

enough times to know that.

Yeah, the eye roll is a
classic sign of respect.

I just don't understand not talking.

Whenever I have the urge to
not talk, I talk about it.

Witness.

I mean, I totally get it.

I mean, think about
what he's been through.

You know, his parents died,

he's been on his own since
he was like four or five.

I know, he's been robbed
of his whole childhood.

Missed all those birthdays,

all those Christmases,

all those Halloweens.

He was so young when
the virus hit, I mean,

he might not even know what
any of those holidays are.

Poor little guy.

I have an idea.

Why don't we throw a
big party for Jasper?

Like a birthday party?

I'm talking birthday,

Christmas, Easter, Halloween, Kwanzaa,

Flag Day, Toyotathon,

like, every joyous
occasion you've ever had

just rolled into one
festive smorgasbord.

That's a great idea.

We give him a chance to
be a friggin' kid for once.

I love it. You guys, you know, I think

this'll be really good for Melissa too.

Hey! No, no.

No, no, no. No, those
don't go in there, hon.

Those don't go in there.

It's okay, they just don't go in there.

Okay.

Let's start planning.

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Hey, bud, can I talk to you for a sec?

Sure, yeah, what's up, bud?

Well, it's about the party.

You know, I think it might be best

if Melissa sits this one out.

She's doing way better.

I mean, she doesn't need
her drool towel anymore.

You know, stools are way less tarry.

Aren't they, Melissa?

Your stools.

- Yep.
- Yeah, see?

Real happy to hear those
are firming up for her,

but this party's about Jasper,

and I just don't think he's
feeling very comfortable

around her right now.

So hide the weirdo?

- Is that what you're saying?
- Exactly.

You know what? Just,
enjoy planning your party.

I'll just go tell Melissa
she can go to hell.

Thanks, bud.

Ridiculous.

Hey, don't worry about her,

she's not gonna hurt you.

Here, come on down from there.

Hey, what's going on?

Jasper's petrified of Melissa.

Yeah... I got this,
don't worry about it.

Hey, bud, don't be afraid of her, okay?

She's just playing make-believe.

She's rehearsing for the title role

in a stage production of
The Exorcism of Emily Rose.

Come on, Tandy.

That isn't cool, yeah,

he doesn't know what an exorcism is.

An exorcism is when a demon
takes over a person's body

and just makes them do terrible things.

Okay, I got to say something here.

I think it's wrong to keep
Jasper away from Melissa.

How is he ever gonna get
comfortable around her

if you won't let him get to know her?

I will.

Look, right now,

he just needs to get
over that comfort hump,

then we can totally throw
Melissa into the mix.

All right, okay.

Okay, bye, Todd.

Bye, Emily Rose.

Sorry, Melissa.

Jasper? Man.

Jasper?

Ridiculous.

There it is, there it is.

All right.

Shoot, I left my gun in the car.

Be right back.

Geez.

What's this down here again?

Lost a few buttons down there, I see.

You think?

Ever since you mentioned
your button popping off,

it's been crazy.

Lost 16 yesterday.

You're really having a time there.

Tell me about it.

It's like a sharknado but with buttons.

Yeah, you be careful.

Aw, what can I say? It's
the life we've chosen.

- Preggers can't be choosers.
- Yeah.

- Ooh, whoa.
- Whoa!

Couldn't find my gun, so I used the car.

Well, you just saw.

This is great.

Yeah.

How's this place for a picnic?

Okay,

let's see what we have here.

Hey, this isn't what I packed.

This basket is filled
with toys and treats.

Melissa, did you empty this basket

and fill it with toys
and treats for Jasper?

No.

I'm not mad.

You have a fun-loving
spirit. You're accessible.

Hey, Jasper!

You want some of these toys and treats

that Melissa brought for you?

Well, they're over here
if you change your mind.

My God! A water gun?

I'm gonna get you.

Well, well, well.

What's going on here?

I... I was just, having
a picnic with Melissa.

That's weird.

Don't think I ever remember
you having a picnic before.

No, yeah, I have picnics all the time.

You do? All the time?

All the time, having
picnics all the time.

Why don't you name 20
picnics you've had before.

Come on. Now.

T-t-today. Okay?

Yeah, that's one. One picnic.

In-in Malibu. I had one on the beach.

That's two. 18 more, come on.

Come on!

Name 18 more picnics, Todd! Now!

I can't think of any! Okay?

No, you can't. 'Cause you're lying about

your affinity for
picnics, Todd, aren't you?

Well, excuse me

for trying to establish a connection

between Jasper and Melissa.

You're not excused.

I just know that once
he gets to know her,

he'll see how awesome she is.

So that makes it okay to
lie about a friggin' picnic!

Well, I'm not the only
one who's lying, am I?

That's different and you know it.

I'm just trying to protect
my son and give him the nice,

- safe party that he deserves.
- Yeah, well,

you know what, don't worry because

Melissa and I won't be
at your stupid party.

Todd, look, it's okay if you come.

Really? What day is it again?

- It's tonight.
- I'm busy.

- Fine.
- Fine.

Fine.

You having fun, Jasper?

Ho-ho-ho, gobble-gobble,
Shabbat shalom, boo!

I'm Rabbi-Jack-O-Thanks-Bunny-Claus.

And I'm Lady
Liberty-Patrick-Cupid-Claus.

And tonight's

your night, bro.

Behold!

Jasper,

welcome to a taste

of every major holiday

rolled into one magical experience.

Over the next four days...

Four days?

We are going to overwhelm

the pleasure centers of your brain,

tantalizing you with one magical

holiday after another,

and pushing you to
your celebratory brink.

Four freakin' days?

Let's get started.

We thought we'd ease you in
with a little gateway holiday.

Deciduous!

Arbor Day!

Ridiculous.

Separation of Powers.

Tandy.

Yes.

And that's the Fourth of July.

Now if you'll just hop

over here... spoiler.

'Cause there's more!

And here to take you through this one

is someone very special.

Um, someone very special.

Gail!

Hey, I was putting on my friggin' ears.

My God.

It's the Easter Bunny.

Hi, I'm the Easter
Bunny. Nibble, nibble.

Easter Bunny, don't you
have anything else to say?

Nibble.

Resurrection!

Hey, we're trying to
watch a movie in here!

To be free!

In the Declaration of
Independence, it is written:

All men are created equal

and endowed with certain
inalienable rights!

That is where America is!

Love it or leave it!

You better love it or
you better leave it.

You take this stick and you hit
it, and candy flies out of it.

Okay. You're good to go for Mardi Gras.

All right.

When in doubt, just
douse him with beads.

Okay, thanks.

What do you have next?

Labor Day.

That's kind of a tough one.

Why would you say that?

I mean, there's just
not much going on there.

Yeah.

You and Gail have made
that abundantly clear.

Excuse me?

What would me and my flat belly
know about Labor Day, right?

Meanwhile you're over there
laughing it up on Fat Tuesday

with your pulchritudinous belly bump.

Carol, I got pregnant
a few weeks before you.

How can you be jealous that
my baby bump came first?

I'm not jealous that
your baby bump came first.

Then what the hell's your problem?

I'm jealous that your
baby bump came at all.

I'm just really scared.

I mean, what if my bump never comes?

I haven't had any pregnancy symptoms.

What if the test was off?

What if something's really wrong?

Carol, you're fine.

But you don't really know
that for sure, do you?

So the homeowner then opens the door,

he sees the bag
burning, he stomps on it,

and his foot gets just
covered in dog poop.

Now, since all dogs are dead now,

instead of dog poop, I used my own.

Trick or treat!

Smell my feet, give us
something good to eat!

What are you doing here?

Melissa and I, we're, we're
trick-or-treating, bud.

We're dressed like two nice
people who belong at parties!

Look, I thought we
talked about this, bud.

You know what? I've met
guys like you before.

Mr., Velvet Rope. Mr. Party.

With your little clipboard looking down,

"Let's see, are you on the guest list?"

You know how many
clubs I stood outside of

'cause I wasn't on the list?

Barrage, Mosaic,

Jericho, Rain,

JP Looneys, Charlie Fitzwhiskey's.

All of the hot Baltimore clubs.

They all spat in my face.

That's cool.

'Cause I'll tell you what, bud.

I refuse to let you or anybody else

keep me outside of
your phony velvet rope.

Hey, Jasper,

you remember how I said that Melissa

was rehearsing for a role?

Well, Todd is helping her out

by playing an over-the-top,
drunken buffoon.

Come on, Tandy, stop
it with the lies, okay?

This kid... Jasper,
you deserve the truth.

Melissa's sick. That's the truth.

And I'm legitimately drunk, bud...

Todd.

None of this is real.

Everybody knows it. Everybody.

That's it. Get the hell out of here.

You make me.

You make me get out.

You want to go?

I thought you'd never ask.

So you do want to go?

I'd love to go. The question
is: Do you want to go?

I was the one who proposed it, Todd.

You want to go?

I just freaking confirmed it.

I do want to go.

Then let's go outside and go.

Then let's go, go.

Let's go!

Are they gonna go? I think they went.

- Come on!
- I'm coming on!

- Bring it bud.
- Yeah, I will bring it!

How about right here?

Not afraid of you!

- Stop it!
- Push me a-frigging-gain.

Tandy, stop it!

No, I can't do that, Carol.

I made a verbal commitment to do this.

Then you stop it, Todd.

I'm part of that commitment, Erica!

You both should be committed.

This guy ruined a kid's party!

And probably his life.

You're a bigot!

- Or am I a hero?
- Y'all fight like a couple

of straight-up chumps.

Hey, Tandy, soup's on.

Tonight's special:

Cream of your face.

Really? 'Cause I heard
it was Todd-mato soup! Burn.

That sucked, dude.

- Take that back.
- Make me!

You don't want to know
what's gonna happen.

- If you don't take that back right now!
- Come on! Let me see!

- Take it back!
- I want to see! Come on!

Stop it!

Party's over! Say good night, bud!

No! No!

Stop this insanity!

What the hell?

My God.

Todd, he's laughing.

Yeah. Look at 'em.

It's been a while since
I've seen her smile.

I'm sorry, bud.

Guess I over-cranked a little bit.

I totally get it.

You were just trying to protect Jasper.

I'm sorry for busting up your party.

I guess whiskey and Milk don't mix.

You're drinking whiskey and milk?

No, I drank whiskey and
watched the movie Milk.

Hey, get in here, ya friggin' fartface.

- What were we doing?
- I don't know.

Look, it's a shooting star.

It's a big one.

Wow.

Make a wish, dummies.

Synced and corrected by Octavia.
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