The Last Man on Earth (2015–2018): Season 1, Episode 7 - She Drives Me Crazy - full transcript

After the confession at the bar with Melissa, Phil grows more annoyed with the presence of Todd. Carol pressures Phil to clean the toilet pool.

I think I'm falling in love with you.

Is there any chance that you would feel
that same way about me?


So I was gonna say all that stuff to Carol.

If I'm being completely honest,

I think I'm falling in love with you.

Is there any chance that you're feeling
the same way about me?


What I feel is so much deeper than love.

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I choose you.

I choose you, Phil Miller.

She drives me crazy

I choose you, Phil Miller.

Like no one else

She drives me crazy

And I can't help myself

What the hell?

I can't get

Any rest

Oh, sorry about that. I woke up for a second.

No problem.

Yeah, it's okay, buddy.

I need to talk to you.

Carol. How many times have I told you
this is my private time?

Your private time is poisoning
the neighborhood, okay?

This is Stink City, Phil.

You know what, Carol, just...

Do I go into your house and tell you
what to do with your little lady turds?

No, and you never will.

Because I don't go to Brown Town
in my house.

- What? Where do you do it?
- Various mid-range hotels.

- Ugh, gross.
- You gotta do something about this.

I can't walk around with "alpine blast"
dryer sheets up my nose every goldarn day.

This isn't my look. I'm a lady.

Carol, I will not be cowed by your bullying.

So please go, okay? Now.

I'm afraid I insist.

What's got your goat today?

I'm just cranky
'cause I didn't sleep last night

because of that stupid song coming
from Melissa's house.

Ah, I can't hear anything
over my sleep apnea machine.

Well, if you didn't have
your sleep machine on,

you would have heard that song
all night long.

Oh, I love that song.

All night long


All night All night

You sing the echo.

All night long All night

That's my karaoke go-to.

It wasn't that song.

You said I would have
heard that song, All Night Long.

It was some other song.

But that other song
you would have heard all night long.

Hmm. Interesting.

Maybe Melissa and Todd were
having a little jamba jamba.

Carol, if you're referring to sex,
it's extremely unlikely.

I mean, they just met a few days ago.

You proposed to me after a few days.

Love moves fast in this new world.

Well, I'm off to the Wyndham.


Hey, jambo jambo


- Hey, bud.
- Hey, Phil.

Top of the morning. How you doing?

Oh, you know,
just enjoying this beautiful day.

Somebody woke up on
the right side of the bed.

- You get a lot of sleep last night?
- Yeah, sure did.

'Cause there was this song playing over
at Melissa's house all night long.

Not the Lionel Richie song All Night Long.
Want to make that clear.

But, yeah, this other song,
did you hear that, too?

We were... I mean, excuse me,

she was... I mean...

Yes, I did hear it a little bit, but...


- Yeah.
- Slipped a little "we" in there, didn't you?

- Oh, Um, did I?
- Yeah, you did.

Come on. The jig is up. What happened?

What happened?

I don't know what
you're talking about, Phil. I don't.

- Broham.
- Broham.

- Toddler.
- Yeah.

I want some deets,
and I want them pronto, okay?

Hit me up, my main man.

What is up with you and Melissa?

Nothing, Phil.

- Hey, Todd.
- Yeah.

It's me.


- Bro to bro.
- That's the only way I play it.

We did it, Phil.

Melissa and I had sex.



No way.

And it was like a dream.

We were just hanging out
at her house, drinking wine

and then all of a sudden, out of nowhere,
we just started kissing, you know?

Anyways, after, like, an hour of making out,

she grabs me by the arm,
leads me upstairs,

and we just started going at it.

I know. Then that song got stuck on repeat.
I'm so sorry, man.

Then it kind of became our sex song.

- Awesome.
- Yeah.

Our sex song.
I've never had a sex song before.


It was the greatest night of my life.

I can't stop giggling, you know.
I'm just so happy.

Happy for you.

- Oh, hey, Phil.
- Hey.

Todd, could you come over to my place?

I need some help with that thing.

Maybe I could help.
I'm pretty good with things.

No, it's a project Todd already started on.

Sure, I'll jump right on that.


She's talking about sex.

Can you believe it?

This is my life now.

Good for him. Happy for him.

That's great, that's great.

Yeah, I can't think of a person...
Person I'd rather have this happen to.

He deserves this. He's a good person...

I wouldn't, you know, openly want him to
share in the glories of loving, you know, to...

Like no one else

She drives me crazy

Would you give it a frigging rest already?

How's your oatmeal?


Oh, did you make any progress
cleaning out that disgusting toilet pool?


Phil? Did you really work on it,
or are you just telling me you did?

I'm just telling you I did.

Oh, I talked to Melissa today.

She told me that
she and Todd are doing it left and right.

Like, sexually. Did you know that?

Carol, can we please not talk about this?

Of course.

It's not breakfast conversation.

Well, there they go again.

Why are you so cranky?

Carol, I'm not a crank.

It's just what they're doing is unacceptable.

They know we know it means
they're having sex.

And they just keep playing that song
day after day after day.

Well, if you have such a problem with it,
why don't you go fix it?

I mean, you are
the President of the United States.

Carol, that's not how it works.

All right, let's get this party started,
raise the roof.

Look, I thought that since there are
four of us here now,

and a community is forming,

it might be a good idea to
get together, like,

a weekly town hall meeting or something,

where we can air our grievances
and stuff like that.

That's why I got this.

What is this bad boy?

This is called the "Grievance Board."

Stop pinching me.

- Guys? We listening here?
- Yes.

Okay, good, 'cause this is really cool stuff.

You listening or are you pinching?

- We're listening.
- Both.

Okay, so when you have a complaint,

all you do is you write it up on the board,

then we can vote on this stuff.

Now, how does the voting process work?

I'm about to tell you.

Say you want to make ice cream illegal,
which is crazy

because ice cream is delicious,

but what I would do is write up
on the board,

"Ice cream should be illegal,"

then I would motion for a vote.

Okay, I would like to vote
to keep ice cream legal.

Carol, that was an example.
Ice cream remains legal.


Boom, indeed.

That leads me to a motion
that I'd like to make.

Since we're trying to form
a family-friendly community,

our sexual dalliances
cannot be so frigging in-your-face.

And I am looking at you, Todd and Melissa.

I'm so happy for you guys, believe me.

But I also have to look ahead
to the future, okay?

And that's why I'm proposing

a rigid sexual curfew /noise ordinance.

Phil, I don't think what Todd and I do
is any of your business.

Uh, yes, it is.

- She doesn't know. They don't know.
- Know what?

Phil's the President.

Of what?

Of the United States of frigging America.

We had a vote. It was unanimous.

Yeah, so are we done?

Seriously? That's ridiculous.

It's called democracy, Melissa.
Maybe you've heard of it?

Oh, I've heard of it.

I'm just concerned that
you're in charge of it.

Well, Melissa,
that's a good lesson for you, then.

Maybe next time, you'll rock the vote.

Okay, all in favor of
the rigid sex restrictions?

Raise those hands.

We got one vote already.

Any other votes?

Really, nobody? Ah...

I'd like to propose that
when you visit your neighbor,

you have to be wearing a shirt.

We live in Tucson.

I propose that this
lady stop being so darn sexy.

Guys, let's keep to real motions, please.

I have a real motion.

I think Phil should have to clean out
his toilet pool.

I second that.

All right,
we've done enough voting for tonight.

No, we should definitely vote on this one.

All in favor of Phil
cleaning out his toilet pool?

Motion to adjourn.


- Todd, come on, bro.
- I'm sorry, Phil, it's really wafting.

Well, it's final.
Phil has to clean out his toilet pool.


How's that for rocking the vote?

- Come on, Todd.
- Yeah.

Good meeting.





Oh, hey.

Sorry, is this a bad time?

No, no, no, no,
just having a little cry.

Can we talk?

Do you mind if I change into
something that's got a little less poo on it?

Oh, sure.

So, uh, what's up?

Uh, I just came to apologize.

For all the noise.

You know. The song.

Oh, no worries.

No, it was insensitive.

Especially after the talk we had
about your feelings for me.

What? Are you still talking about that talk?

That was an admission of love for Carol.

How can I make that more clear to you?

That's so cute that you think
that was meant for you.

Phil, drop the act.

Drop what act?

Just be a real person.

I just keep thinking about
how close we came to, you know...

- Yeah.
...doing it. Boning.

Yeah, I got what...
Where you were going there.

And now you and Todd are, you know,

- doing it. Having sex.
- Mmm-hmm. Yeah.

- Yeah, again, got it.
- Boning.

- You know, it's weird how life works.
- Yeah.

All the "what ifs."

Like, you think, what if Todd had
never seen those fireworks

and left Tucson?

Then we would have never met him.

- Then you and I would be, you know...
- Phil.

...currently boning.
- Phil.

- Knocking boots.
- Yeah.

Getting those boots together and knocking.

Let's just not...
Just can't go down that road.

- 'Cause Todd is here now.
- We were on that road.

We were wearing those boots.
On that road.

Phil, Todd's here.


But can I just ask?

If Todd wasn't here?

Todd is here.


Todd's here.

Todd's here.

- Hey, Phil.
- Hey, bud.

You want to go for a ride?

You wouldn't think it, you know,

'cause she seems kind of, like,
conservative and stuff,

but she is just an animal in the sack.

I mean, she is just...

- Yeah.
- My goodness, we just...

We'll go at it for hours and hours.

And just, I feel like I'm a teenager again.

We must have done it,
I don't know, seven, eight times.

That sounds great, that sounds nice.

Oh, my... I'm just still, like, vibrating.

As well you should be.

I'm so excited to see this place.

This is where you go
to do all your thinking, huh?


- It's where it all happens.
- Yeah.

- Well, I'm sure it's gonna be great.
- Yeah.

I mean, it'd better be, right?

We've been driving for, like,
three hours, man.


- What? Did you hear something?
- No.

No, something outside the car,
something with the wheels.

It sounds like the back wheel on your side.

Yeah, okay, if you could just, like,
get out and take a look.


Yeah, you know, Phil,
I don't see anything.


No, no.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, man. Nice try, Phil.

I knew you were coming back
the whole time.

All right, so how much longer
till we get there?

This is it.


Yeah, this is great.

I mean, it looks like the stuff we passed
a couple hours ago, but...

I'm just kidding. No, this is great, man.

Well, uh, should we head back home?

You know, give me a minute.


Hey, Todd.


- I'm sorry.
- What are you sorry about?

Just trust me.

I'm sorry.


You don't have anything to be sorry about.

Can I tell you what I was thinking about
when I was

thinking at your think spot?

Yeah. What?

You're a really nice guy, Phil.

I could be nicer.


I'm in here, Carol.

I got your note. What's the big surprise?

Carol, take out your dryer sheets.

- Oh, not if my life depended on it.
- Trust me on this.

- Just stand still.
- What are you doing?

- Trust me, trust me here. Trust me.
- Phil, no. Phil, don't do it.

- Trust me.
- No, Phil, no. No, Phil.

- Trust me. Trust me. Trust me.
- Leave 'em. Leave 'em. Leave 'em.

Got them. Take a deep breath.

Come on, Carol.
You can't hold your breath forever.


- You cleaned out your toilet pool.
- I sure did.

Yeah, I stayed up all night.

Look at you, you little pool cleaner, you.

You must be pooped.

Well, you know, I'm a nice person.

And that's what nice people do.

Well, let me know next time
you have to go number two.

I'll take you to the hotel.

Oh, it's okay. I have it all worked out.


Ah! Wow, a porta-potty.

Phil Miller, you never stop surprising me.

Thank you.

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