The Last Man on Earth (2015–2018): Season 1, Episode 13 - Screw the Moon - full transcript

Previously on
The Last Man on Earth...

We're all hotsy-totsy
for the new Phil Miller.

I say we let him choose.

We're done, Melissa. I dump you.

Phil.

We got to kill this guy.

I'm in.

Look at that piece of crap.

Walking around with his stupid tools.

"Hey, I'm Phil, look at all my muscles."

What are you compensating for, dude?



- What an absolute zero.
- What a dip.

- Hey, guys.
- Hey.

What's up, buddy?

You know, I'm just trying to see
if I can get these solar panels hooked up.

Oh, that'd be so sweet.

Good for you, bro.

Well, let's not count our chickens
before they hatch.

Well, if anyone can do it, you can.

We got to kill him.

Yeah.

Definitely.

You okay?

I'm sorry, man. This is hard for me.

I mean, are we really talking about
killing someone?



Yeah. Look, hey, it's easy.

We'll just go over there,
ask him if he wants to go for a ride,

then we take him out to the desert
and just leave him out there.

Wait a minute,
you drove me out to the desert.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I did. Yeah.

But, you know, that was, uh...

Were you gonna kill me, Tandy?

Look, I wasn't in my right mind.
You got to believe me.

- Oh, my God.
- I never...

- So you were gonna do it.
- But I didn't.

But you thought about it.

I think about a lot of things. I'm a thinker.

Oh, my God...

I'm like a Stephen Hawking
when it comes to...

I don't even know
who you are anymore, man.

- Todd... I'm Tandy.
- No, man.

No, no. No, bro.

Todd.
I never would've gone through with it.

And I never would have gone through
with this one.

Deal's off, Phil lives.

Even though I hate his frigging guts.

Hey, bud. Looking good.

- Hello, Carol.
- Oh! Hi, Tandy.

Isn't it a wonderful day?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, Carol, uh, is there anything
you want to tell me?

Tandy, what are you getting at?

Well, Carol, I'm getting at this.

- You know what this little number is?
- It's a condom wrapper.

It's an open condom wrapper

with the condom inside
conspicuously missing.

Hmm.

You know where I found this?

Going through my garbage?

So you admit to having sex with Phil?

Darn tootin'.

Well, that's funny,

'cause I don't seem to remember
getting an invitation to the wedding.

- Oh, there wasn't a wedding, Tandy.
- Really, Carol?

Really?

'Cause I seem to recall some sacred pledge

that was required by you
to have sex with you.

That's because you and I
were trying to make a baby.

And then what are you and Phil
trying to do?

It's called casual sex, Tandy.

Geez, haven't you ever wanted to have sex
just for fun?

Are you kidding right now?

That's my whole thing!

That's all I've ever wanted!

I've made that very clear.

Aw, tough bananas,
'cause this train has left the station.

Toot, toot!

Todd, come on.

I haven't seen you all day.
You okay in there?

Hey.

Hey.

I'm worried about you.

Hey, is this about the...
All the chips on my shirt?

Because, yeah, I know they're there.

Want to talk about stuff?

You know, I mean, this isn't,
you know, really about us.

Yeah. I'm working on another
little "situ-ash" right now.

So, things are good. They really are.
Things are really good.

Okay.

Whew.

- What are you doing?
- I figure I should, um...

Find my own place.

Find your own place?

What gives, roomie?

Come on, Tandy.

I heard you say in the cul-de-sac
that you hate my guts.

Yeah, 'cause I do.

I see what you're trying to do here
and I don't like it.

Trying to bring everyone power
so they'll all bow down at the altar of Phil.

This isn't about the power, is it?

It's always about the power, hombre.

No.

This is about Carol.

Carol? As if. Right.

About Carol. No way, man.

Carol? Ha!

Oh, man. Pilbasian? Pfft!

You know what?

It should be.

'Cause Carol's a real special lady.

Hey.

You're a real special lady.

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I don't even know who Carol is anymore.

I mean, who is this imposter?

Freewheeling around,
abandoning all her stupid rules,

acting all fun to be around
and looking positively radiant?

I treated her so well,

and she rewards me by having sex
with this frigging

ugly model-looking dude
right in front of my face?

That's classless. I mean, how dare her!

She's classless and annoying and
uptight and stupid

and childish and sweet and good-hearted
and fun and...

Radiant.

I frigging beefed it big time.

God, I want her back.

Carol, hey. Really want to talk to you.

Oh, Tandy, now's not a good time.

Well, would this make it a better time?
For you.

Yeah.
And that's not all. Here. Got you this.

It's a bunch of jewels. Went to a couple
different jewel stores.

Dummy.

I don't care about any of this stuff.

Ugh, who cares about materialistic things?
Yeah.

That's why I wrote you a song.

- You did?
- Yeah. It's called, uh, "Carol."

- Uh, so that's proof.
- Tandy, stop.

- Stop what?
- Don't you see what's happening?

You always want what you can't have.

And, Tandy, you can't have me.

Why not? I mean, I made some...

Hey, Care Bear. Tandy. How's it going?

Care Bear, huh?

Care Bear? He's calling you Care Bear now?

Okay, I get it.

Well, goodbye, Carol.

Goodbye, uh... Phil.

Okay, everybody.
Gather round. Get in here.

Because Phil, the hero of the moment,

has a little surprise for all of us.

It involves getting power up here to
the cul-de-sac, but that's all I'll say.

Okay, everybody, just look in the
direction of that lamp...

- No...
- For the surprise, but that's all I'll say.

- Okay. Thank you, Carol.
- Hmm.

So, I've been tinkering around,
set up some solar panels

that have been collecting rays all day,
feeding a battery.

Wait, are you saying we're gonna get
real electricity to the cul-de-sac?

- I'm gonna try.
- So the plugs will work again?

Central air conditioning.

- I could have my kitchen back.
- Lamps.

- I've said too much.
- Whoa, guys.

At this point, it's still very limited. Okay?
I have just enough power...

To do this.

Wow!

Wow!

Isn't he the greatest?

- Come here.
- Oh.

My Care Bear.

Lamp just fell. Lamp just... What?

Did you just knock over my lamp?

I was sitting here and the thing just falls
'cause the wind...

- Okay, it's not a big deal, I'll...
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Tandy knocked over the lamp
and Tandy's gonna pick it up.

I didn't knock over your stupid lamp. Okay?

If I'd knocked it over, you'd know it.

Believe me.

I'm gonna tell you one last time.

Pick up my lamp.

Okay, and I'm gonna tell you
something one first time, okay?

Number one, you're making a huge ass
out of yourself. Huh?

- Not really.
- No.

Yeah. Yeah. Huge ass.

Number two, I didn't knock it over,
so give it a rest, okay?

- Back me up here, Todd.
- Okay, you know what? That's enough.

I saw Tandy knock over the lamp.

And also, he's gonna kill you, Phil.

- What?
- What?

- Yeah, he told me so this morning.
- That's not a backup, bro.

He's gonna drive you out to the desert
and he's gonna leave you there.

He was gonna do the same thing to me.

No... Come on.

- Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God!

You were gonna leave Todd in the desert?

Oh, so you're gonna believe him?

- Yes.
- Absolutely.

Tandy...

Okay, fine. Fine.

I was gonna leave Todd in the desert.
Is that what you want to hear?

Well, it's true. But I didn't do it.

- Oh, Tandy...
- All right, all right, I've heard enough.

You're done here, Tandy.

I think it's time for you to leave.

Oh, you mean, like, "This town's not
big enough for the two of us"?

Exactly.

- Oh, so you're serious.
- Get out of here.

But Tucson's my home.
I mean, it's where I grew up.

It's where my parents are buried.

All right, you know what? Fine.

Fine, there's nothing left for me
here anyway.

So...

Okay.

Then I guess this is...

Try to kick me out of Tucson?

I'm not going anywhere. I am Tucson.

- Aah! Damn it. Dropped another stitch.
- Oh, that's okay.

So you just front-loop it here. Right.

- Maybe my hands are too big for this.
- No, you got it.

Thank you, Care Bear.

Hey, Phil, do you mind finding a different
adorable nickname for me?

Sure.

Is something wrong?

Just worried about Tandy.

I mean, it's been three days.
What if he dies up there?

Well, good, problem solved.

Phil. How can you say that?

All right, look, don't worry, Care Package.

He'll come out soon. He has to.

He's got nothing to eat up there.

You are a toilet paper corn dog.

A raisin ball.

Oh, Carol.

Go away.

Tandy.

Carol?

I said go away.

There is no Tandy here.

It's only Phil. Phil Miller.
The original Phil Miller.

I may not be a good person...

I may have my faults,
but I am a good person.

Hey, come out of there.

It's been three days.
You have to be hungry.

I have plenty of food.

Come on.

We're all sitting around the campfire.
And Gail's playing her accordion.

You should be with us.

Nobody wants me out there.

That's not true.

You made a mistake,
but everyone knows you didn't mean it.

We all agreed we want to call a truce.

Can we move on?

You already have moved on.

Look, I'm not a charity case, okay?

I don't... You found a new dude.

I'm fine in here.

All right. Well, I tried.

He's blowing his horn

Already I'm so lonesome I could cry

So kiss me and smile for me

Tell me that you'll wait for me

Hold me like you'll never let me go

'Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane

Don't know when I'll be back again

Oh, babe, I hate to go

'Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane...

Phil, what are you doing?
We called a truce.

Take a good look, Tandy.

Because this will be the last time
you'll be seeing any of this.

Come on.

Ow.

Two days of supplies.

You're just gonna leave me out here?

I'm going back that way.

That direction is you.

All right?

Don't even think about
coming back to Tucson.

He's coming back. I know this game.

'Cause I invented it.

Good. Don't come back.

I don't need you.

I don't need any of you.

Okay.

Okay. If I ration this out,
it'll last about three days.

If I walk at a quick pace,
I can make it to Nogales.

And I get a car, get some supplies,

and then I am gone.

Stupid.

So stupid.

So stupid, why'd you do that?

Hey.

Todd, I'm so sorry.

I had no idea that thing
with Tandy happened.

I just want you to know that I'm here

if you ever need to tell me anything.

Like someone's trying to murder you.

Well, I'll keep that in mind.

Hey, Melissa.

I love you.

I don't expect you to say it back,

but I'm not gonna pretend
that I don't love you.

'Cause I do.

I'm sorry I couldn't say it back.

But just know I do love you.

And I really appreciate you being
patient with me,

because I feel like one day, it will come.

You know you just said it, you said,
"I love you."

No, I said, "I do love you."

- That's the same thing.
- No, it's way different.

Come here.

Gary. You came.

He was worried about you.

Carol.

What are you doing here?

Oh. I knew two days' worth of supplies
wouldn't be enough,

so I just wanted to drop this off.

Thank you.

Well, goodbye, Tandy.

Bye.

Tandy, did you really write me a song?

Can I hear it?

Of course.

They say the moon is to wish on

Make you feel all romantic

They say it makes the waves

That serenade our sadness

It's for hopers and dreamers

And poets who swoon

Well, screw the moon

What good's the moon

If Care Bear is not here with me?

So where should we go?

What?

You're staying with me?

You need me.

Well, what about New Phil?

I don't want to be with a man who can
leave someone in the desert to die.

I want to be with the man who doesn't
have the heart to go through with it.

And I don't know, call me crazy, but...

I feel like we belong together.

I got to be honest, Carol.

I feel like you're making a big mistake here.

I know. Come on.

All right.

So what do you say we start over?

Okay.

Hello. I'm Carol Andrew Pilbasian.

I'm from Delaware. I'm a Scorpio.

And I'm an only child.

You go. You go.

I'm Phillip Tandy Miller.

I'm from Tucson.

I'm a Gemini.

And, uh, I had one brother.

You had a brother? I didn't know that.

Well, there's a lot about me
you don't know.

Tell me everything. We have time.

- Well, he was...
- Phil. Seatbelt.

- What?
- Please put on your seatbelt.

But, Carol... Fine.

Houston, do you read?

Houston, do you read?

Let me take you on a little trip

My supersonic ship's at your disposal

If you feel so inclined

Well, all right

Too many people

Side by side

Got no place to hide

My supersonic rocket ship

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