The Last Man on Earth (2015–2018): Season 2, Episode 1 - Is There Anybody Out There? - full transcript

Carol quickly learns of how wrong her decision was to accompany Phil on his new journey away from Tuscon.

Last man on earth.
Last woman on earth.

I'm not gonna have sex with you
unless we're married.

I do?

(carol and phil scream)

Oh, my god.

I saw these billboards
that said "alive in tucson."


Look, seven
people left,

And two of them
are named "phil miller"?

Melissa: You were gonna
leave todd in the desert.


You're done here, tandy.

Tucson's my home.

Phil 2:
Don't even think

About coming back to tucson.

So, where should we go?
You're staying with me?

You had a brother?
I didn't know that.

(wind whistling)

(low rumbling)

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Phil, I got
the tequila!

All right.
Can I drive?

Carol, it's very


We should go back
and get that bomb.


I knew you were
gonna say that.

I don't know how to put a bomb

Back in that little thingy.

We're americans.

We put a man on the moon.


Fine, if you want to go
back and get the bomb,

We'll go back and
get the bomb.

That won't be necessary, phil.
It's fine.

Just the fact
that you offered

Is good enough for me.

You know what?

How about tomorrow
I go back to that parking lot

And I drop a little
caution cone in front of it?

thank you, phil.

And that's why you're the bomb.

Come here, give me some sugar.

Phil: Oh! Insurance company
is gonna hear about that one.

(carol laughs)

("till the end of the day"
by the kinks plays)

♪ baby, I feel good ♪

♪ from the moment I rise ♪

♪ feel good from morning ♪

♪ till the end of the day ♪
(phil whooping, carol laughing)

♪ till the end of the day ♪

♪ you and me ♪


♪ we live this life ♪

♪ from when we wake up ♪

Phil: Usa! Usa!
♪ till we go sleep at night... ♪

Usa! Usa!

Carol (manly voice):
So lonely.

Wish I had somebody
to make out with.

Phil (deep voice):
I may be able
to help you with that.

Ben franklin?

You just made me discover
electricity in my shorts.

Get in here.

(passionate moaning,
kissing sounds)

Phil (deep voice):
Stick your copper tongue
down my mouth!

And, in short, my position
on syria is, uh... Don't know.

But one thing I am sure of:

The situation is very syri-ous.

Boom, I still got it.

Next question.
Yes. Brice.

My position on tucson

And its inhabitants
remains the same.

Tucson can suck it,
and you can go ahead

And suck it for asking.
Next question.


Yes, I did fart.

♪ I wish I were a princess... ♪

Dolly madison.

you little vixen.


♪ and if I were a princess... ♪

Jackie o-no-you-didn't!

Yes, I did.

Oh, hi.

Michelle obama.

♪ I wish I were a princess... ♪

Talk about winning
the arms race.


Phil, I just said
something really funny!

Put that bill
into committee, phil.

Put it in there.

Are you filibustering?
Yeah, I'm filibustering.

Get it, phil?

'cause your name is phil.

No, yeah, I get it, carol.
Uh-huh. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We cannot let that vote pass.

Not on our watch.
There's too much
pork in that bill.

Way too much pork.
Block that vote.

I'm blocking it!
Block it!

Carol, I'm sorry, but I think
I'm about to put it to a vote!

Okay, I'm about to put it
to a vote, too.

Let's vote on it together,
huh? All in favor, say...


So what do you think

Of this place?

It's not too shabb-ay, right?

Yeah. It's very nice.

I'm glad you feel that way.

'cause I was thinking
that tomorrow,

Maybe we could unpack
all our bags

And make this
our permanent home.


I don't know if I want to commit

To living
in the white house, phil.

What more could you want
out of a home?

I mean,
it's the flippin' white house.

I know.

It's just...

It doesn't feel right.

The white house
doesn't feel right.


It's just...

You know, we've been
to graceland and dollywood,

Oprah's, lebron's,

And none of them
have "felt right."

And that's fine.

But I'm just
getting kind of sick

Of all the driving around.

I know, phil.

It's just...

This isn't home.

Not home.
Okay, okay, okay.

The search continues.

Good night.

Good night.


28.6 north.



Another goose egg.

Thanks a lot, canary islands.

You couldn't give me, like,

One living person?

There's got to be someone
out there.

Right, terry?

No comment? Okay.
Nancy, what about you?

Wow, you guys.

Guys are real quiet today.

Okay, I'm gonna go masturbate.

Do me a favor-- turn your guys'
heads, please. Thank you.

Plug your ears, too.

Bye, stealth bomber.

Bye, white house!

How long do I have to wear
this blindfold?

Well, until we get there.
Where are we going?

I can't tell you.
'cause it's a...


Welcome to delaware.

My old apartment?

Phil, you didn't.

Well, gee, let me give
you the grand tour.

So this is my knitting group.
We were known as kwa:

Knitters with attitude.

And these are my roommates,
bernice wu and glen sawchuck.

We called ourselves
sawchuck's angels.

Our mission? Friendship.

Oh, and here's my parents,
carol and marsha.

Oh, your dad
was named carol, too?
No, marsha.

Moving on.

And this is glen's room.

He was trying
not to get the virus.

He got it.

And this is bernice's room.

And that's her skeleton.

God, carol.

Oh, no, she
studied anatomy.

Oh. Okay.

And this is my room.

Each object in here
is hand-crafted by myself

As a cherished tribute
to a friend

Or family member
who died from the virus.

Yeah. Yeah.

Well, it's, uh,

It's really, uh...



I know it looks like I went
a little cuckoo bananas.

No, it doesn't. This looks...

Absolutely chock-full of sanity.


Thank you.

Thank you for the
surprise, phil.

So nice to visit
your hometown.

Well, you know, it doesn't
have to just be a visit.

No. No, no,

Not delaware.

here we go again.

And what's wrong with delaware?

Well, there's no one here.

Carol, there's no one
anywhere anymore.

That's not exactly true.

Okay, what...
What's that supposed to mean?

Nothing, it's
just nothing.

Tucson? Are you
talking about tucson?

Just saying that's where
there are other people, phil.

Carol, the only place
I can't go is tucson.

I mean, do you not remember me
getting, like, tackled,

Driven out into the desert
and left there for dead?

Yes, I do, I...
No, no, no.

And the implication
was very strong

That if I ever came back there,
phil would kill me.

But it's been,
like, six months.

I mean, maybe they've
cooled off by now.

We just don't know.
No, I don't care. Screw 'em.

We're the last people
on earth, phil.

Shouldn't we all
be together?

You made your choice.

If you want to be
with me, be with me,

But I am not going
back to tucson.


I'm gonna sleep
in bernice's room.







Your stupid sleep apnea machine.

I'll use bernice's.

No, look, it's not that easy.

I-I don't know
how to fly that thing, okay?

I-I'm... I'm a scientist,
not a pilot, all right?

Uh, if it's so easy,
why don't you guys do it?

And if we did
make it down there,

I'd probably die of the virus,
and who'd take care of you guys?

Look, I don't mean
to be insulting here,

But you're worms, okay?

You're not thinking
this through.

I just...

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I shouldn't be dismissive
of you guys like that

Just 'cause you're worms, okay?

Terry, I'm sorry.

Sorry, nancy.



I'm gonna go take a nap.

carol: Phil!

Sorry, little traffic.

Hardy har har.

Bunch of friggin' bs.

White house isn't good enough.

Her own house isn't good enough.

What the heck is her problem?

I'm not being a turd,
she's being a turd.

Why's she being so picky?

She's such a picky
little turd.

You can quote me on that.

Don't you dare say a thing, you
little friggin' blabbermouth.



Could use a little
razzmatazz, though.


Ooh, carol.

Where did you get
such an expensive t-shirt?

In the jewel markets of monaco?


"hold for 30 seconds."

Fair enough.

One banana, two banana,
three ba...


I'm setting my gems!

Just give me 27 more bananas!

Four banana, five banana,
six banana, seven ba...

hold your horses, phil!

What part of "I'm setting my
gems" do you not understand?!

Nine banana, ten banana, 11...
(engine starts)

Oh, shoot.

(counts rapidly)

Stop, phil!





(gun fires four times)

♪ all I want to do is ♪
(gun fires four times)

♪ and ♪
(cash register dings)

♪ and take your money ♪

♪ all I want to do is... ♪

(gun fires four times)


Well, this is
a grade-a fustercluck.

♪ oh, I can't wait
to be on the road again ♪

♪ the life I love is being
on the road again ♪

♪ oh, I can't wait
to be on the road again ♪

♪ world's largest plate's
coming up ♪

♪ I bet that carol would love
to see that stupid plate ♪

♪ but I'm really mad
at her today ♪

♪ 'cause she's being a turd ♪

♪ so I'm not gonna tell her
about that friggin' plate. ♪

♪ feeling guilty now ♪

Carol, world's largest
plate's coming up!

How's your appetite, huh?

You hungry for some plate?


Supposedly pretty big.

Friggin' huge plate up there.

You die for this crap.


Carol! Where are you?

Oh, god, oh, god, oh, god.

Oh, where'd we last stop?

I mean, was it a gas station?

It was a gas station
in oklahoma.

Yeah, yeah. What was it again?

Oh, speedy pump,
a speedy pump.

There was, like, a red truck
parked out front.

So it's speedy bump
with a red truck.

Speedy pump with a red truck.

You got this, phil.

Just keep driving down this road
until you see that speedy pump.

You'll know the one.

I mean, how many
speedy pumps can there be?

♪ ♪

Damn it, there's
infinity speedy pumps!

Gary, now's not the time to ask

If I'm certain
it was a speedy pump.

(phil sighs)


Carol! Carol!

Beefed it.

Beefed it bigger
than I've ever beefed it.

I friggin' lost her.

I lost her forever.

(chuckles sadly)

Looks like it's just
you and me, bud.

Looks like it's just
you and me, bud.

Oh, my god.

Is this it?

Is this it?
Oh, my g... (laughs)

This is it!
This is it! Ha!

Oh, thank god. Speedy pump.

There's the stupid
friggin' red truck,

And the fruit stand.

This is it.
This is the one. Carol!

Where you at?





Carol, where are you?

♪ ♪

Carol! Come on!

Speedy pump!
Red truck! Fruit stand!


(three gunshots)


It's been five days.

Where the hell is she?

Where else could she go?

She's got no place else to go.


♪ ♪


She's in tucson.


♪ ♪


Okay, the moment of truth.

I'm just gonna walk in there
and lay down the law.

The mayor of tucson is back
to claim his throne.

You step to me?
I step to you.

'cause I ain't afraid
of nothing or nobody.

You can do this.
You can do this!


Anybody here?


What the hell?

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Where is everybody?

Where are you, carol?

Captioned by
media access group at wgbh

Uncle stinky.

(horn honking)