The Last Leg (2012–…): Season 20, Episode 1 - Episode #20.1 - full transcript

# What goes on

# Thank you for letting us
be ourselves

# So don't mind me
if I repeat myself

These simple lines
be good for your health

# To keep them crime rhymes
on the shelf

# Live, love life
like you just don't care

# 5,000 leaders never scared

# Bring the noise,
it's the moment they fear

# Get up, still a beautiful idea

# Get up,
throw your hands in the air

# Get up and show no fear... #

Get rid of your chocolate,
buy a pair of trainers,

then decide to start your
New Year's resolution next week.

It's Friday, we're live,
and it's time for The Last Leg.


Tonight on the show, we look
at a right Royal Rumble...

..see who's got
the Labour leadership licked...

and discuss the Big Ben bongs.

Plus we'll be joined on the couch
by MP Jess Phillips

and comedian John Bishop.

On the show that always
retains its dignity.


G'day! Hello.

I'm Adam Hills. Welcome to
The Last Leg,

the show that thinks
if Donald Trump gets impeached,

they're going to have to
buy his handcuffs

in the children's department.
With me on the couch, as always,

are the pride of Dartmoor,
Josh Widdicombe,

and the man who thought
a teetotaller

was the person that adds up
your golf score, Alex Brooker!


Now, we're not entirely sure what
happened over the break for Alex,

but you have made a quite
momentous life decision.

Yeah, I'm not doing Dry January.

I'm doing Dry Series.
So I'm not going to touch alcohol...

For this entire series?
For this whole series.

Just during the episodes? No.

As in, like, full-on. Oh, advert
breaks as well? Advert breaks.

Even the time out of it.
I just basically...

I've got a bit plump.
It's a big problem.

But I haven't told you the real
reason why I want to be healthier.

I think there was a bit of a miracle
that happened over Christmas

and, like, I've not told you this
until now... Yeah?

..but I think there's...

Some of my limbs
are starting to grow back.

Hear me out.

Just over Christmas,
I looked down at my leg

and I saw,
like, a little lump growing. Yeah?

And I think it's a toe.

I've been to the doctor.

He says it's a verruca.

But I think he's just trying to,
like, play down my expectations.

So I'm figuring, if I don't drink...

Like, you're not meant to drink
while you're pregnant, are you?

And you're growing then.

So if I don't drink,
by March the 20th... Yeah.

..I will have fully grown back.

Then I'm going to do Able April.

And then just be back disabled again
for the next series.

I'm genuinely... But you have given
up drinking, genuinely.

Yeah, fully given up drinking.
No messing about.

No loopholes - not like you'll
have a spaghetti bolognese

with a full bottle of wine in it.
No, I'm off it, mate. I...

I genuinely think it's a reason
to celebrate. I think so too.

I think let's celebrate. Let's...


Thank you.

Hold my glass.

Thank you, thank you. No, genuinely,
I'm very proud of you.

I'm not sure which is the worst of
these to hold, this or the bottle.

I'm very scared of corks,
genuinely. Oh, God. Argh...

I once saw a groom
get himself in the eye.


Whoa! There we go. There we go.
So well done.

on giving up drinking, Alex.


Get off!

Josh also had quite a memorable
event happen during the break.

I'll put down the champagne,
because I've had...

I had the most humiliating
experience of my life happen

over Christmas. Right? Yeah?

So obviously,
I know you two have got

your, like, medical problems

"Medical problems"?!

It's not... It's not called
the "Medical Problems Olympics".

Well, if it was, I'd be allowed in
cos I have one now.

Imagine if you parked at Tesco
in a medical problem bay.

So... But you've furthered the,
you know, the disabled cause.

And I've got my own medical problem.

So I thought I had haemorrhoids.

I don't know if that allows...
I'm just being honest here. right?

You guys are honest about
what's happened to you.

I thought I had haemorrhoids.
It was awful,

cos I've never had, like, an
embarrassing illness before. Yeah?

And I had to phone up the doctor
and I had to talk...

And I was like, "Can I come in?"

And they were like,
"Can you describe all the things

"down the phone,
everything in detail?"

I had to describe, like,
where it was and what it was

and what I was doing. And... to the end of the most
humiliating conversation of my life

and there was a pause
and she went...

.."Are you the comedian
Josh Widdicombe?"

I reckon she said that

because she's seen you on this show
for five years,

sat with your leg underneath one
and she's gone, "Fucking knew it.

"I called it!" Have you had
haemorrhoids? No, I haven't.

It's a good job I haven't either,

cos I probably wouldn't be able
to apply the cream myself.

I'd have to get you to do it. I have
got you a little gift, though. Yeah?

Cos I heard about
your haemorrhoid problem.

I didn't have haemorrhoids in the
end. Oh, did you not? You didn't?

No, I just had another problem
that was sorted with cream.

Which actually sounds worse,
I've just realised.

I got you a little present. Yeah?

Bring on present for Josh, his
little cushion. There you go, mate.

Oh, thanks! Oh, thank you!
Got a little bum ring.

There you go.

Genuinely... You know
what happened? She said...

Because I had to apply the cream,
but it's quite a precise thing,

and she said...
It can't be that precise!

No, she said... She looked at me and
she said, "Your hand's too big.

"Have you got a friend with
a smaller hand that can do it?"

It was the best Boxing Day
Alex has ever had. It was wonderful.

As always, we will do our best
to answer any questions this week.

You can tweet them
to using the hashtag.

For example, is OK that
Gwyneth Paltrow's company, Goop,

released a candle this week called -
and I'm not making this up -

This Smells Like My Vagina.


Is it OK that you have to
tickle the wick for half an hour

before you can get it to light up?

I'm not making... We haven't
made this up just for the show.

This is what the candle looks like.

It's bold, it's in your face,

it does exactly
what it says on the tin.

It's called
This Smells Like My Vagina.

The thing is, though,
if I saw those in a shop,

I'd just want to rip the labels off
and put them on something else.

The candles cost £58, they have
apparently already sold out.

You know why that is? Why?

You're 50 this year. Yeah?

Get ready for the best birthday cake
of all time.

Your birthday is going to
fucking stink, my friend.

Oh, God.

Chris Martin is writing a song

called Well, I Dodged That Bullet.

All right, let's get onto
the big news. And Sarah said...

Now, if you don't know,

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle
said they want to step away

from the Royal family
and go out on their own,

in what's been called a Megxit.

They've said they will now
spend more time in Canada,

in what they're calling
a Mentrance.

By the way, well played to
the ad exec who pulled this off.

This was yesterday's Metro.

Featured an article
about Meghan and her dad.

"If dad's called to court,
he will come..." There it is.

Underneath, though,
there's an ad for Canada.

An Expedia ad that says,
"Canada - escape the family."


Excellent piece.
Excellent piece of business.

All right, open it up.
What do you think? Um...

It's weird, isn't it? They're
dropping like flies, the Royals.

Andrew - gone. Harry - gone. Yeah.

Two years,
you're going to go to be knighted

and it's going to be Jamie Laing.

I... I... I'm genuinely...

I understand why Prince Harry
and Meghan have done it.

I think you can see, like,
Prince Harry obviously, it's...

The press were involved
in maybe the death of his mum,

and his wife is just getting
kind of hounded by the press,

often in kind of
racially dodgy ways.

And you go, "Of course
he doesn't want any part of it."

I can completely understand that.

I think the sad thing is probably
that it's going to mean

that the press double down on them,
so it's... You know. I don't know.

Let's put it this way -

I don't know,
if he's got 30 million in the bank,

why he would carry on
wanting to be a Royal anyway.

If I had 30 million,
I wouldn't be sat here, mate.

He doesn't need....
What job does he need?

He doesn't need a job,
he's got £30 million.

He's not going to get
back on the circuit.

You're not next year going to go,

"Have you heard Harry is
the hedgehog in The Masked Singer?"

My... Alex?
My first thought when I saw the news

that Harry wanted to leave
the Royal family was,

"How shit was his Christmas present
that he got off the Queen?" Yeah.

Cos I that year
when my brother got a Game Boy

and I got Mr Frosty

and, if I'd have had the choice,
I'd have left the family then.

But my other thought is, I think,
fair play to them.

And, like, they should be allowed
to leave and stuff like that

and he's probably right, you know,
to do what's best for them.

I don't see any hassle with it.

My big thing with it is,
it just made me...

Like, it's been straightforward -
the Queen's kind of said...

They had a meeting and then they're
going to transition out. Yeah.

Just made me think that, like,
the Royal family,

like, it's become a bit like...
It's boring now, how it all works.

Like, medieval times, he'd have gone
to the Queen and said that,

she'd have said,
"Yeah, you can leave...

"..if you beat my champion."

And we'd have had a scenario
where Prince Harry

maybe had to, like, fight
Ant Middleton in Trafalgar Square.

And loads of people
would watch that.

Then it got me thinking
that the Queen had a tough year

kind of last year. You know, Philip
doing the car in. Yeah. Andrew...

I mean... ANDREW! Yeah.

And then obviously, you know, this
with Harry wanting to leave.

And I think that she...
I worried that she might just go,

"Fuck it,
I am going back old school..."

Yeah. ..and if anyone messes with
her, like, bring back beheading.

And then it got me thinking,
if she did bring it back... you reckon
it would be on telly,

and how many people would watch it?

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, what channel?
I don't know. Would it be, like...?

You know, like, sometimes it's like
England World Cup games are -

ITV get one... It's on ITV,
but you all watch it on BBC.

Yeah. Or, like...
I don't know, though. Just...

I'll be honest with you,
I've not been drinking,

so I've had a lot of time
to think about this!

I'd imagine that would be the most
watched TV show of all time. Yeah.

Like, Right Royal Beheading.
And then followed up with, like,

Jo Brand then talks about
what happened... a show called Extra Slice.

For me, do you know what?
Ever since I've come to Britain,

people have complained
about the Royals. Yeah.

I always found it amazing
people would say,

"They don't do anything,
they leech off the public,

"they should go out and get a real
job." Now two of them have said,

"Right, we're going to go out
and get a real job

"and not leech off the public,"

and people are going, "Oh, but what
about all the things you do!" So...

And I don't understand what more
Harry has to do to prove himself.

He's served his country
in Afghanistan, he lost his mum,

he virtually invented
the Invictus Games. Yeah.

You know what I mean? And you know
things must be bad for him here

when he wants to move to Canada
in January.

It's -22 in Calgary today.

And, Alex,
you saw this coming, though.

Yeah, I did. Well, I thought
that it didn't look good when...

You remember
when during the Queen's Speech

and all the photos

were on the table?
Yeah? And that's, like...

I mean, you've got William
with his whole family

and Harry's, like,
nowhere to be seen. Yeah.

That was quite pointed.

The only way I think the Queen

could have got out of upsetting him
was if she said to him,

"Nah, it's one of those
digital photo frames.

"Like, if you'd have
waited five minutes...

"'d pop up."

I think she should have
all her family on

and then, as they
leave the Royal family,

she should just pop them down
like Guess Who?

So she'd go,
"Is he friends with a paedo?"

So here's the...

Here's the weird thing
about this week's news.

I was invited to
Buckingham Palace yesterday

for the draw
of the Rugby League World Cup.

That was being drawn
by Prince Harry. Yeah.

So Prince Harry had the draw for
the Rugby League World Cup? Yeah.

That sounds like something the
Queen's made him do as a punishment.

Well, fair play to him,

because that was locked in
before all of this happened

and then they make the announcement,
but he still said,

"No, no, no,
I'm going to do it."

And it's entirely possible
this is the last thing he will do.

Are you sure he didn't say, "That is
the last thing I want to do."

So here's the thing,
I wasn't going to go. No.

Cos I thought,
we need to prepare the show.

We need Thursday
to prepare the show.

Which is hilarious when you consider
how fucking ramshackle it is.

And then people were going,

"No, no, you've got to go, you've
got to go. You might meet him."

I was like, "I'm not going to
meet Prince Harry.

"I mean, what's going to happen?"
So I went yesterday...

This is the best thing
that's ever happened, by the way.

I was introduced to Prince Harry,
and this was his reaction.

Adam. Adam will play in
the physical disability league.




I... I mean, I thought
his reaction was going to be,

"Where's the other Hairy Biker?"
if I'm honest with you.

It's unbelievable.

Well, so he then introduced himself
to everybody else

and then said, "Right,
who are the players here?"

And then looked at me and went,
"Well, I know you don't play."

And I went, "Well, actually I do,"

and I started to tell him about
how I play disability rugby league.

I can now -
I've got a medical condition.

Yeah, I'm not entirely sure
what position you play

when you've got haemorrhoids.
I think dodgy left back.

I don't want to go in the scrum,
I'll tell you that.

The thing is,
I tried to talk about rugby league

but he then got distracted by the
beard, and then this happened...

I love that!

There's two people who've never seen
Byker Grove, discussing Byker Grove.

I just imagine Prince Harry
walking away from it going,

to Meghan, "We have made
the right decision.

"This country...!"

Just what blows my mind is
we're doing a topical show... Yeah.

..he is the main person in the
biggest story of the year, right?

You've met him and you've talked
about your fucking beard!

You couldn't have missed
the story more! Well...

Emily Maitlis if, when she'd sat
down with Prince Andrew, she'd gone,

"Shall we talk about my hair
for an hour?"

The weird thing was,
later yesterday afternoon,

I got a text from one of the guys
in our rugby league team,

who'd been watching it,
and his name's Harry.

So I looked at my phone
and there's a message and it says,

"From Harry, great to see you
at the Palace today."

I got really excited.
I thought he was texting me!

But then... What?! There's more?!

There's more, cos I thought,
"This is going to...

"This might even make
the news in Australia,"

and I was really excited to, like,
have friends and family in Australia

go, "Oh, my God, we just saw
the news, and you met Prince Harry."

And it did make the news, but a guy
called James tweeted me and said...

He attached this photo. Have a look.


Can I just point out - clearly that
is Prince Andrew on the right -

that's not me on the left!

I have never met Prince Andrew
in my life.

And, if I have, I don't recall
meeting Prince Andrew.

In fact, the day...
The day that photo was taken,

I was at Grant Place Pizza
in Bacchus Marsh.

I was having a diamond cut,
I remember it specifically.

Darren Goodhind said...

Yeah, I mean, technically it is.
Prince Harry described it as,

"one of the best manicured
and styled beards I've ever seen."

Fucking hell. I know! But here's
the weird thing. We've then had...

I've had tweets from people,
and we've had tweets here overnight,

from people saying,
"Now it has to stay."

The plan was this beard was going to
come off on the 31st of January.

Like, as we left the EU.

But now I'm wondering,
if it's had the Royal decree,

should the beard stay?

Oh, no. Oof!

Look, I'm going to open it up
as a poll. That's our poll tonight.

Should I keep the beard?
Please, no! Oh, no!

Tweet us with the hashtags.

No! But, look,
it is quite a big deal

when a member of the Royal family
endorses your beard. You know?

My beard is now...
It's very rare that that happens!

My beard is now up there with
Weetabix, Twinings and Waitrose.

And I think
we should market properly.

I think we should market like this.


Hear ye, hear ye.

It is hereby announced,

by a decree from his Highness,
the Duke of Sussex,

that the facial growth
known as Adam's beard,

styled in the manner
of Geoff from Byker Grove,

has the official
Royal Seal of Approval.


I now pronounce you
the Hair to the Throne.


Right, let's welcome
tonight's guests.

She wants to take on
the Prime Minister,

he's got a show on Amazon Prime.

Please welcome MP Jess Phillips
and comedian John Bishop!


You look like the worst stripper
in the world!

Do you want to see
a little bit more? Oh!

Look out! Oh!

I mean, all right, how do you guys
feel about what's happened with...?

I'm going to keep this on,
for this part at least.

Um... OK.

I can't believe you talked
about Geoff from Byker Grove

with Prince Harry.

That's literally the best thing
I've ever heard in my life.

And I can't believe
that Prince Harry

hadn't watched Byker Grove ever.
He clearly hadn't seen it. I mean...

I've had tweets from people
over the last couple of days going,

"I was upset about them
leaving the country,

"but now I've heard that he doesn't
know Byker Grove, he can fuck off."


I mean, what are you...?
I have to take this off now.

What are your thoughts
about what's gone on with them?

This has all got caught up. Go on.
I mean, I think you summed it up.

Everybody generally
looks at them as...

People go, "Well, if that's what
you want to do, that's fine."

We have love for the monarchy
in this country

which no-one can deny, cos we do.

If you were to start
a country now and go,

"We're going to start a new country.
We'll all contribute.

"We'll starting a new country,
we'll pay taxes,

"we'll vote for who runs us."

There's no way
someone's going to go,

"Er, can we have a Royal family?
I think that would be a good idea.

"Let's have one family separate
to everyone else."

So you'd never...
If you created a country,

you wouldn't have a monarchy. But
we've got one here, and I think...

I think, for them, it makes
absolute sense for them to go away.

Of course it does. Why wouldn't
they? Yeah, I agree. I think that...

My husband has always said,
"If you don't like it..."

When the Royals moan about anything,
my husband...

I have to say, when you said, "the
whole country loves the Royals,"

not entirely sure
he's necessarily with you.

But I think he thinks,
"If you don't like it, go away."

And he, last week, was like,

"Fair play to them that,
you know, they don't like it,

"they're go to stand down from it."
Not everyone likes them.

But, as a country... Oh, yeah,
we don't want to get rid...

We could have had a revolution loads
of times and we couldn't be arsed.

So there's...
There's got to be a balance.

Well, that's what you've
ended up with, isn't it?

I think it's fair enough
that they want to go. Absolutely.

I do like the idea, though,
that they might be leaving Britain

because of possibly a little bit
of racism in the press.

And they're going to Canada.

Have you seen
how Trudeau dresses at parties?

We've got heaps more to chat
to you guys about after the break.

But Alex does want to be
the People's Prince.

I've realised I got my beard
caught up in my earpiece,

and it's really awkward now. But...

And there's going to be a bit of
a... I can't get it. Are you stuck?

It's all right, he'll be fine.
Leave it on for a bit.

I'll leave it, thank you.

There is a vacancy.
We do need a new Prince.

Alex has always said that he feels
like he's the People's Prince.

Yeah, big time, mate.
I'll do princing. You'll do some?

You'll do some princing? Yeah.
I've got an A-level in English.

We're going to put... We are going
to create something tonight

called Britain's Next Top Prince.

we have got a bit of an assault...

Turn round, Adam.


You look like... Can someone
help me? Can you please...?

You look like you're doing
some sort of walk of shame.

I've got my beard caught
in my earpiece, I've made an...

SHOUTING: Alex, what I'm going to do
for you is set you a challenge.

OK then, mate.
I've not gone deaf, it's fine.

Thank you so much. Sorry?
It's all right.

OK. Here's what you're going
to have to do.

You're going to have to
come over here really quickly

and affect an effective Royal wave.
Easy. OK. Then, back over here,

you're going to have to Dame Jess
and Knight Josh. Cool.

Then back over here, you watch
the Royal Variety Performance

and pretend you're interested
as John does a joke. Cool. OK?

Then we've got a golf cart
after here, over here,

you have to drive more safely
than Prince Philip down the side.

We've got obstacles set up.
You have to make it back unscathed.

Can you do this? Absolutely.
All right. Start the music!

Ready, Steady, Prince!

OK, over here. Wave, wave, wave.


Royal wave, Royal wave.
Give us a Royal wave.

A little bit more regal!

More regal!

All right, come back over here.
Over here. Quickly.

Jess, can you come forward?
Alex is going to Dame...

Pin the damehood badge on Jess.

And you're now going to Knight Josh.
Josh, down. Go.

Perfect. Other ear, other ear.

Ow! Fuck! Ow! Argh!

Oh, God! Right. OK, back over here.

You know have to watch
the Royal Variety Performance.

John is going to do a joke.
Pretend you're interested.

Hello, hello, hello!

Let me tell about my new pet hate.

Not a great name for a dog, I know.

No. Alex, Alex, focus! Focus!

Right, quick! Over to the car.

You've got to go and drive the car.
The car is over here.

You've got to go down the side.

There are obstacles, you've got to
try and avoid them all.

Get in. Off you go. You'll see them
as you go down the side.

Go, Alex, go!


OK, careful of the...
Watch the..

Careful of Piers Morgan!

All right, quick, quick!
Back into the studio, Alex.

Back into the studio.

Come on! You can do it!
You can do it, big guy!


All right, Alex.


OK, you've had your go.
How do you think it went?

Think I nailed the wave.
Yeah? And I thought...

I think I just got it all right,
if I'm honest.

I think it just felt natural. OK.

You were very stiff when you waved,

you cut Josh's ear off
when you tried to Knight him,

you couldn't even focus
on John's act,

and you knocked everything down
when you were driving.

you are officially a prince.

You are now the Prince of Croydon!

Oh, lovely!

We'll have more Last Leg for you
after the break. Kneel! Yeah, what?

If I'm a Prince... Ah, shit.

If I'm a Prince,
you've got to kneel for me, bitch.

LAUGHING: "Kneel for me, bitch"?

I've wanted to say that to you
for the last eight years.

And I've wanted to hear it!

We'll have more Last Leg for you
after the break

as we talk about
the Labour leadership

with a Labour leadership candidate.

Plus we want to know,
should I keep the beard?

Tweet us with the hashtags.

See you in a little bit.



Welcome back to The Last Leg.

We're joined by Jess Phillips
and John Bishop.

A lot of people... A lot of people
concerned over the ad break that

it looked like you had
actually cut Josh's ear off.

Josh's ear is fine, it wasn't
cut off - it was fake blood.

No, they weren't!


Bas said, "If the did Queen bring
back beheadings on TV,

"we would now be watching
The Last Head."

All right, let's talk about
the Labour leadership battle now.

Jess, of course, is in the running
to be the new Labour leader.

The other candidates are Lisa Nandy,
Emily Thornberry,

Rebecca Long-Bailey and...

# Keir Starmer

# He wants to lead
the Labour Party now

# A licky boom boom down! #

I just can't do it
without saying that. Brilliant.

We've all got questions
for you, Jess. Mm-hm.

So one by one, we're going to go
through in this political grilling.

Alex first.

So... election night... Yeah.

..when the exit polls came out,

who was it that broke the silence
on the Labour WhatsApp group?

Oh, if I had my phone,
I could genuinely check.

Can you remember, like, what the
first person said? Was it like...?

Please tell me it was Jeremy Corbyn
just with

the little monkey with its hands
over its eyes.

Uh... I'm not on a WhatsApp group
with Jeremy Corbyn,

I'm afraid to say. So...

Was there another one that
you were part of where, like,

you were booted off?

Yeah, I'm part of one where
there were loads of Labour MPs that

had lost their seats.

Did you just delete them off
the group? Well... Yeah.

To be honest, that did happen
afterwards. Like... Yeah.

In fact, Caroline Flint wrote
a thing in The Times today,

there was an interview and it said,

oh, you know, she got booted off
all the WhatsApp groups. Oh!

It's just brutal, isn't it?
It's absolutely brutal.

But there was a lot of just, like,
"Well, I'm gone, then."

"Well, I'm gone," sort of thing

coming across on
the WhatsApp groups.

You know, imagine having a job
interview in front of... You know...

With a viewing audience.

So Jeremy Corbyn wasn't in that
group, so he wasn't seeing it all?

Cos I can imagine you all
just that, just waiting

for "Jeremy is typing..."
and thinking, "Here we go."

Josh, you have a question?

So, your slogan -
"Speak truth. Win power."

Which I like. Thanks.

But if speaking truth
wins you power,

how come the liar Boris Johnson
is our Prime Minister?

Well, the trouble is, with
Boris Johnson, is that everybody

accepts that he's a liar,
it's sort of baked in.

The public know that he's basically
a bit of a scoundrel

and they sort of can just get over
that with him.

It's a bit like Trump, that
people... Regardless of that fact.

But the only way that
you can challenge that

is not just by calling him a liar

and trying to insult him
all the time,

is by actually being honest
and authentic

and having a genuine comparison
of actual honesty

side-by-side with him.

Because eventually people
will start to see his shtick

and that that funny thing he does
when he talks about buses is...

You know, we shouldn't
underestimate, actually,

that Boris Johnson is brilliant
at the art of misdirection.

We've all...
And we'll talk about it tonight.

..been talking about a bell
and whether it will ring when we are

all asleep on a day when most of us
won't even notice that it passes.

So, you know, we should be careful
when we just laugh at him.

He's actually quite dangerous.

John, your question.

Well, I've got a serious question,

The unions and the control of
the unions,

or the perceived control of
the unions

within their selection of the
Labour leaders,

do you think that's something
that needs to be

understood more by the wider public?

Well, I mean, for the first time
ever in this contest...

This is like a really serious...

I'm sorry, this is meant to be
like a...

A really serious answer.

No, I've got a cock joke
at the end. OK!

About a bell and a...!
The punch line is "bellend".

That's the punch line.

Put it "on the way"!

Just wondering
which union that would be.

The truth is that, for the first
time in this leadership election,

the unions have a role
in who gets onto the ballot,

so they have a direct role
in who the candidates can be.

And so do CLPs, so constituency
Labour parties at grassroots levels,

and that's before members
even get a say in the ballot.

But I think that...

I don't think that there's anything
particularly to be worried about,

because the union movement is
the backbone of the Labour movement.

I think that people think
that the union barons...

There's loads of nefarious things
that go on...

That's the reason I asked it,

cos people who are
not Labour supporters...

Like, I am, so I kind of
have an understanding about it.

As soon as they talk to me, they go,

"Yeah, but the union's
done everything..." I know!

"Len McCluskey runs everything."

You think, "No, that's not really
the case."

Well... no...

Yeah, I think that, you know, the
unions, for some reason people...

I think it's based on, basically,
sort of Liverpool in the 1980s.

Everyone thinks
that the unions are...

We get blamed for everything!

I always... Just that, just that!

I think that people think that
they're really, like...

And we call them "union barons"
as well,

as if there's some sort of
weird hierarchy

and they're well all
having a big meeting

with, like, little sort of wooden
men on tables, moving them round.

They're just people
who defend workers' rights.

And, like, take the government to
court when they do bad things.

Don't be too worried
about the unions. In fact, join one.

Join the Labour Party.

All right, I've got one question
for you.

So, this leadership... whole contest

will be done by, what, April 4th,
April 5th? Yeah, that's right.

So, the next day, there'll be
a new Labour leader.

It could be you, Keir Starmer,
Rebecca Long-Bailey,

Emily Thornberry... Whoever it is.

OK, the following day, will
Labour get its shit together and

stop fighting amongst itself and
actually become a great opposition,

or are you going to just keep,
like, fighting, and the rest...?

I mean, I can't speak for
the entire Labour Party,

and no matter who wins,

some idiot on Twitter
will be really upset about it.

I have literally no control over
the Twitter accounts

of every single member of
the Labour Party.

As a party, can you make me
this promise, that, regardless of

who becomes leader,
you'll all get your shit together?

Oh, absolutely, because, you
know, do you know what?

If the Labour Party doesn't
get its shit together,

it doesn't... deserve to
exist any more. And...

It's sort of existential for
the Labour Party, this contest

and the last election.

We have basically got a chance
to get our act together,

take on the WORST government
in so, so long.

You know, what the last
Tory government has done

is worse than what Thatcher
did in lots of cases.

She wouldn't have dreamed of
doing some of the things that

David Cameron and George Osborne...

But what you said before is Boris
Johnson is a very good communicator

and he won the election by having
a single message.

He did. "Get Brexit done".

So now you can go into
the next election

and say "Getting our shit together".

I can see it! Absolutely!

Right, let's move on to...

I mean, we're going to move on
to news that's been covered,

but Paul said...

If you don't know, there has been
a big push this week for Big Ben

to ring out on January 31st
as we leave the EU.

The problem is,
it's being renovated.

So this guy, Tory MP Mark Francois,
has backed a crowdfunding campaign

to raise the £500,000 needed
to make Big Ben bong.

Boris Johnson said,
"We should," and I quote,

"bung in a bob for a Big Ben bong."

I'm going to be honest...
I mean, I got back...

I was in Australia for Christmas,
I got back on Monday.

And I saw an interview in which they
were talking about "Big Ben bong".

I honestly thought they were
referring to something like this.

I mean, is this a ridiculous idea?
Is this a great idea?


I mean, I'll be honest, anything
that Mark Francois says,

I think is ridiculous. But this...

You know, we're talking about doing
a crowdfunding thing

for someone to ring
a bell at a certain time.

It makes no diff... £500,000!

You know, we've got food banks
in this country

that have give out over a million
bags of food,

and we've put money together from
someone to go "ding-ding".

I think it's ridiculous.

We... We are doing a Brexit show
on January 31st.

We will be on air until 11:30,

bearing in mind
we leave the EU at 11 o'clock. Oof!

The show will end at five past!

We're going to unveil at the end
of our show tonight

our alternative to
the Big Ben bongs.

But, Jess, we want to put you
on the spot right now.

Rebecca Long-Bailey was
asked during the week

about how she rated Jeremy Corbyn
out of 10.

She said 10 out of 10.

Now, I know you don't want to rate
other people in the Labour Party...

No, I'm not going to...

Yeah, cos we've got to get
our shit together, as you said.

I really love that slogan now!

But there are a lot of other things
that you can rate out of 10.

Josh has got a list. Yeah.
He's going to quiz you on it.

If you'd like to come front
and centre.

We're going to play a game
called Jess Out of 10.


We're surprisingly far back.

Neither of us thought they were
on wheels,

and we both went backwards then,
Jess. Right... OK.

0 to 10, simple,
on the following things.

OK. Ready? Mm-hm.

Number one - Boris Johnson.



Number two - Adam Hill's beard.

I'm quite a fan, actually,
so I'm going to go...

I don't like the middle gap,
so eight. Eight.

Come on! Look at his beard!
Why are you giving it eight?

Look at it! It's awful!

I literally loved Geoff
from Byker Grove. So...

Eight? Eight. Unbelievable!

Chances of Alex staying sober
for a whole 10 weeks.


While we're here, Jeremy Corbyn.

I'm going to get my shit together
on this and not do that.

How about Jeremy Corbyn
with Adam's beard?

It's a vast improvement, actually.

The "Geoff from Byker Grove" look
gets it at least a nine.

A nine, OK.

Chance of Jess Phillips being PM?


Ooh, yeah! Let's go...
Let's go... eight. Eight!

Chance of Jess Phillips being
the new host of Bake Off.

Ooh! Five?

I've not been offered yet,
but, you know...

Ready for the final one?
This is the big one.

What are you making out
of 10...

..Mike the cameraman?

Oh, 10 out of 10 every time.

All right, we'll be back with
more of The Last Leg in a minute

as we find a ray of light amongst
the Australian bushfires,

plus we want to know,
should I keep the beard?

Tweet us @TheLastLeg.

Use the hashtag #AdamsBeardStays
or #AdamsBeardGoes.

We'll see you very soon.


Ha-ha-ha, welcome back to Last Leg.

We're joined by Jess Phillips and
John Bishop. Sarah said...

Now, look,
I could go through the news

and the statistics of what happened
in Australia over the last month,

but I was there, I was
home for Christmas.

Luckily, I wasn't
anywhere near the fires,

but I know people who had to
evacuate their houses.

Two of the towns that I used to
holiday at when I was a kid,

both absolutely destroyed.

My grandad's house is fine,
but it was close.

It was a really eerie time
to be in Australia.

Especially when the smoke hit,
because, for a few days,

you felt like, "Oh, we're fine, we
are not anywhere near it.

"We just at the beach, we are
having a lovely time."

And then this haze came in
and it smelt like bushfires

and you couldn't see more than 200

What made things worse in Australia
was that the Prime Minister

was on holidays when it all happened
and refused to come back

because he said, "What can I do?
I can't hold a hose."

I mean,
I could say that, he couldn't.

How hard is it to hold a hose? I'll
say, yeah! What's wrong with him?

When he did come back, though...

Yeah, he came back
and then he visited people

who were affected
and visibly enraged the locals

in a really, really beautifully
Australian moment.



I recognise your voice, Adam!

I tell you what, you've got to
look on the bright side

because there is no other story

that would allow you to get
a "fuckwit" on the telly.

Look, I want to point out a few
facts and I don't know whether

they've made it over here,
but arson was not the major

cause of the fires, or
that environmentalists

wouldn't allow undergrowth to be

The major cause of the fires
was lightning strikes,

added to the hottest year on record
in Australia and the driest.

And that's why the bushfires
were generating

their own lightning storms,
thus making more bushfires.

Now, the problem for Australia,
it's 57th out of 57 countries

on climate change policy right now,
the UK is seventh.

I mean,
how is Australia viewed right now?

Like, how is the Australian
government viewed around the world,

especially when it comes to
climate policy, Jess?

Well, I think
that everybody recognises

and has recognised for a long time
that, actually, the people

in Australia have always been
the people who suffered.

When we used to talking about the
ozone layer,

it was always Australians
that were suffering.

But at the moment,

it just feels like it hasn't been
handled at all well. Yeah.

And that Australia has got to...

It's not just Australia, is it?

It's everybody in the world,
we have all got to tackle this.

We have got to stop saying,

"Next week we will do
something about this."

We have got to start actually living
our lives in a way

that cares for our world
in the future,

and it seems that the Australian

in the way that they handled it from
the very, very beginning

is as if it didn't matter.
It's just appalling.

The crazy thing is, yeah...

The crazy thing is, Australia have
said, and you would know,

you're an Australian,
but like, it's roasting.

So, you'd think, surely, you'd be
the leaders in solar power,

you'd be the leaders
in alternative heat.

And yet, they're going to have
the biggest coal mine on Earth

in Australia which is burning
while they are digging it out.

We very rarely, actually... The
countries that get taught about...

It's always China,
everybody looks to blaming China.

And everybody always uses China
and countries like China

as an excuse for why
we can't do anything because,

"What's the point in doing anything
when China is still burning coal?"

But we just have to draw a line in
the sand

where everybody in the world
starts to feel

that this is their
responsibility and Australia...

I think that it will make people
wake up,

what has been happening in Australia
because it looked so...

There is a Twitter debate going on,
as well. And, listen,

I need to find a lighter side of
all this and there is one.

Because Miss Swan said...

So, everyone has been going to
Australia and reporting on it.

We have a prank in Australia that we
play on tourists

where we pretend
that there is a strain of koala bear

that's deadly and if it
falls out of the tree,

it will bite you and
it will really hurt you.

It doesn't, it doesn't exist.

But one Scottish reporter was
convinced they do exist

and they filmed her looking really

in this embarrassing moment.

I'm not quite sure what it's
doing right now. Shit! Shit!

Oh, it is looking at... What? OK.

It looked like it was going to get
you. Right.

I think insurance might not cover
it. Do you want to take it off?

If you say, "Shit, shit, shit!"
I'm really not happy...

Now, take it off her,
take it off her.

Please take it off me.
Thank you.

All right, it's all right.


Good one, that's great.

You were pranking me?
You were pranking me!

Fucking Aussies!

So, there are a lot of myths
about Australia

and a lot of things
that people don't know.

I know you've been to Australia.
I have been to Australia.

I'm going to very quickly throw
a few things at you.

A bit of an Aussie quiz.

JOHN: Humpty Doo.

I think Wangaratta.

You're both wrong,
they are all Australian places.

True or false.

Australia lost a sitting
Prime Minister in 1967

when he went for a swim in the surf
and never came back.

True. True. Absolutely true.
Harold Holt.

True or false... Harold Bishop!
Oh, yeah! He swam to Tasmania.

True or false,

Harold Holt is now remembered by the
Memorial Harold Holt swimming pool?



True or false?

True. Absolutely true!

Final question.

I think they're all Aussie sayings.

No, "When your barramundi
doesn't float" isn't,

but "We're not here to fuck
spiders" absolutely is!

We'll be back with more of The Last
Leg in a minute as we unveil

our alternative to the Big Ben Bongs

and Josh wraps up the last seven
days. We'll see you very soon.



Welcome back to The Last Leg.

We are still joined by Jess Phillips
and John Bishop.

I've been asked to explain to the
viewers at home the Australian

phrase "we're not here to
fuck spiders."

As I said to the
audience in the ad break,

it basically means "we're not
here to mess around."

You go to the pub with your mates
and then someone goes,

"Shall we get some drinks in?"

You go, "Well,
we're not here to fuck spiders."

I love that.
"We are not here to mess around,"

like that's what you do
when you're messing around...


Legs everywhere!

The size of the spiders over there,
you probably could.

Also it would level up the amount of
legs with you, wouldn't it, Alex?


Sorry. Josh has been
chiming in in the last seven days.

What have you found?
Would you like to see an...

Oh, this is good. This is good.

Would you like to see an
absent-minded father

deploy some questionable
parenting skills?

Yes, please. Here it is.


It's a bit of fun. A bit of fun.

Had the child taken away from them.

Would you like to see a
straight-faced child

with expert comic timing?


You're so stupid.


All right. We asked you whether or
not I should keep the beard.

The results are in.
78% of you say the beard

has to go.


So on January 31, at 11pm,
as we leave the EU,

I am going to shave the beard off,

I am going to put it on eBay,

and any funds raised will go to
Australian bushfire relief.

That's what I've just decided.

And here's the thing, though...

you have £10 coming your way!

..Darren said, "Is it OK to get
Geoff from Byker Grove

"to shave Adam's beard off
on January 31?"

Oh! That would be amazing!

Yeah, that's absolutely what
we need to do!

We are about to unveil our
alternative to the Big Ben...

What's that?

Nothing, I don't want to say it.

We were just discussing
if he was alive. If he was...

If he's still with us.

He is still with us,
he's still with us.

We are about to unveil our
alternative to the Big Ben bongs,

but before we do, would you
please thank our guests,

Jess Phillips...

..John Bishop...

..and my co-hosts Josh Widdicombe...

..and Alex Brooker.

Next week will be joined by actor
David Tennant,

but right now we'd like to
unveil how we intend to

ring in our departure
from the EU on 31 January.

In honour of Mark Francois,
Boris Johnson and Jacob Rees-Mogg,

we'd like to unveil
the three massive bells of Brexit.


At 11pm on January 31,
those bells will ring for Britain.

But to give you
a taste of what's in store,

would you please welcome Gay
and Alan from Britain's Got Talent

to play us out tonight with
The Final Countdown.


MUSIC: The Final Countdown
by Europe

# The final countdown

# Oh...

# It's the final countdown

# The final countdown

# The final countdown,
final countdown

# Oh...

# It's the final countdown. #


Thanks for watching The Last Leg.
My name is Adam Hills.


See you next week for the next leg.

You're not welcome, you fuckwit.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media.