The Last Leg (2012–…): Season 16, Episode 8 - Episode #16.8 - full transcript

This programme contains strong
language and adult humour

Get together with your mates,
sit down in front of the telly,

then have a meaningful vote
on what you're going to watch.

It's Friday, we're live and it's
time for The Last Leg.


Tonight on the show, we'll try to
explain what the shit is

going on with Brexit.

We'll celebrate 30 years
of the internet.

And we'll salute
a record-breaking amputee rower.

Plus, we'll be joined on the couch by
Victoria Coren Mitchell

and Richard Ayoade...

..on the show that isn't afraid
to face up to the news.

G'day, hello, hi.

G'day, I'm Adam Hills, and
welcome to The Last Leg, the show

that thinks if you want us to take
a storm seriously,

don't call it Gareth.

With me on the couch, as always, are
the pride of Dartmoor,
Josh Widdicombe,

and the man who thought
an Irish backstop was a pint of

Guinness with a cork in it,
Alex Brooker!


..I'm going to say this - you won't
know this at home -

we are very lucky
to have Josh with us tonight.

You are... every week.

Every week, but this week more...

Josh has been genuinely very sick
this week. Genuinely ill, yeah.

OK, what happened?

I got a chest infection
which brought on bad asthma.

I was in A&E,
I've been put on steroids.

Sorry. Sorry.

To be honest, this whole story was to
get to the fact that Josh

is on steroids.

You look like the before
photograph for steroids.

It's great.

I'm not going to lift my jumper up,
but put it this way -

I have been asked to do Love Island!

And I can run the 100 metres
in six seconds now.

I would love to see your roid rage!

Oh, fuck off! Just chucking
edamame beans.

You on roid rage! When I first heard
you were on roids, I assumed

you were sitting on them.

Also, you on roid rage just doesn't

"Don't make me angry.

"You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

"Please like me when I'm angry."

The worst thing is, cos of
steroids, I can't sleep.

I've had two hours' sleep last

and I woke up and I'm fine.
I'm absolutely buzzing.

I'm sleeping as much
as Margaret Thatcher!

Last night, I decided
to invade the Falklands.

I have checked online...

It's good that you know this -

the side effects of steroids are
acne, blurred vision

and you bruise easily.

Which begs the question, how long
have you been on steroids?!

You know why I was on steroids?

Cos you guys go on about,
you know... Yeah.

My lung capacity was 10% on Tuesday.

Wow. That has to qualify you for
something at the Paralympics.


10%. To give you an idea, that is
your foot capacity.

As always, we'll do our
best to answer your

big questions this week. Have you
tried steroids for your foot?

You can tweet them to us @TheLastLeg
and hashtag them #IsItOK.

For example, #IsItOK that Ireland's
first openly-gay

Prime Minister met America's
homophobic vice president

this week and took
along his boyfriend?

Yes, it is!

#IsItOK that Mike Pence in that photo
seems to be saying, "What?!

"I thought you said you were Gaelic!"

Mike Pence, you can imagine him just
completely not

understanding when he was told it
was his partner. "So, what, you mean
business partner?

"Partner in crime?

"Tennis doubles partner?"

Now, look, before we get into the
news of the week and the funny stuff,

there has been some tragic news
overnight. Ysolde asked, "#IsItOK

"that 49 innocent people
are dead in Christchurch?" No.

Clearly, the answer is no.

I don't think she was even asking
out of curiosity. Not in any way is
that OK.

There's absolutely no justification
for a gunman to kill 49 men, women

and children in a mosque
in New Zealand overnight.

Our thoughts are with the people
of New Zealand today and with anyone

affected by this tragedy.

From what we know about
the terrorist - and let's be honest,

he's a terrorist - he's a white
supremacist from Australia

and he posted an online manifesto
saying he carried out the attack

to directly reduce immigration
rates to European lands.

He then broadcast the shooting
on Facebook Live as he did it,

and the graphic footage was posted
on a number of news websites

here in the UK.

Some of whom have since
apologised, thankfully.

We're all affected by it.

Normally, I would watch the news and
really devour the news

so that I'm across every little
facet of it, regardless of what

And I just couldn't watch it this

I had to watch something else.

Obviously, it's tragic and it's

The other part which I found
horrendous in the aftermath

was there was that Australian
senator, that guy Fraser Anning,

who basically went and released a

which essentially blamed Muslims
what some gunman has done.

To me, it is abhorrent, the idea
of using a tragedy where children

have been killed
to fuel your own agenda.

I just find that
absolutely disgusting.

Unfortunately, a lot of people
are talking about him and not

the New Zealand Prime Minister,
Jacinda Ardern, who was beautiful.

She dealt with that absolutely

If you want to watch any video clip,
watch her, not Fraser Anning.

It's an awful event. I agree with
you, Adam. You just try and keep
away from it.

What kind of shocks me is this idea
that this video has been shared

by news websites and by people
on YouTube or WhatsApp groups.

And I think what you must remember
with these new stories,

when you're watching a new story,
that is people's lives.

That is not content for the

That's people's lives and you
should respect that.

It's a weird world that you can
broadcast stuff like that.
We have to run by a lawyer

how many times we can swear
in our show, but this guy

can just broadcast whatever
he likes to the world.

There are very weird, murky parts
of the internet that have encouraged

this time of stuff.

It's not stuff I really know
about, but there

are bits and pieces where...

This guy was an Australian
in New Zealand

because he wanted
to stop immigration.

I'm not sure what the Maori word
for irony is but I reckon it's

being used a lot today.

It's really hard to know what to say
at a time like this.

There's a lot of fear and tension
in the world right now.

And in an age of social
media, we all have to be responsible

for what we put into that world.

We have to ask ourselves if we're
making the situation better or worse.

If you post memes that refer
to Islam as a religion of violence,

you're not helping.
If you compare Muslim women

to letterboxes, or pose in
front of a photo of migrants

with the headline "Breaking Point",
you're not helping.

If you refer to refugees as locusts,

you're actually contributing to the

If you put video of this shooting
online after being advised not

to and if you continue to sponsor
news sites that do that,

you're making things worse.

It's all well and good to say
this is an act of senseless

violence, but if you sent vans
around the country that said we'll

send you home if you're here
illegally, you're not helping either.

And if you're a politician who uses
this attack as an opportunity

to push a racist agenda,
you're not helping.

The only people responsible
for what happened in New Zealand

are those that pulled the triggers.

And it's too late
to stop what happened.

But if you're actively spreading
hate and false information

or dehumanising the people
you like to see as the enemy,

you're helping to fuel the fire
for the next attack to take place.

The BBC posted some advice
for children on how to respond

to violent stories like this,
but I think it applies
to adults as well.

It said - feel free to talk
about your worries, it's normal

to feel upset, remember these things
are rare and do things

that make you happy.

Unfortunately, Brexit
is the big news this week!

But we're going to try to make you
happy while we talk about it!

Last night, we were...

It's been an amazing week!

This week in Brexit was summed up by
this headline in the Independent...

I mean...

It's a great riddle, isn't it?

Like the riddle of the farmer
who had to take three

Theresa Mays across a river.

She had to take two across
and leave a Boris Johnson there...

And then he couldn't do it because
we haven't got any boats!

Brexit was an absolute
circus this week.

We need to try to break it down
without having an actual breakdown.

Since it was a circus, there is only
one way to describe what happened -

bring out the balloons!


Really going to try and make this
work for you! A lot happened.

This week - let's simplify it -

Theresa May turned up to Parliament
with a whole bunch of options.

One of them was her Withdrawal Deal,
which was voted down on Tuesday.

Are you trying to hit it? Yeah...

Which one is this - no deal?
The blue one, her withdrawal deal.


I've never seen
you look so smug! You are so happy.

That's a tough call to look smugger
than I have seen you look before!

A couple more to go, though!

On Wednesday, the possibility
of leaving the EU on with no deal

was also voted down.

Come on, Hillsy!


On Thursday, Parliament voted
on whether to extend Article 50

so we could have a second
referendum - that also failed.

Ooh, this is a tricky one!

One left!

Now, the final vote was last night,
to extend Article 50,

and that vote passed.

However... That's the only option

Theresa May added one more
sneaky balloon into the mix.

Can you blow this one up?

No, I've got 10% lung capacity!

Excellent point!
You blow that one up for me.

Do you need some steroids?

A tiny bit more!

OK, yeah, that'll do it.
Can you tie it?

Do you know what, I'll do that.


I wonder what would happen first -
me tying this, or Brexit?


..if Theresa May can somehow
get her withdrawal deal again

through in yet another vote next
week, we'll ask to leave the EU

on June 30. We've two options coming
into next week.

according to Theresa May.

She is now telling
Parliament they either

vote for her deal and we slightly
delay Brexit, or we vote down

her deal
and we risk no Brexit at all.

Either way, no matter what happens,
Theresa May has failed to
deliver Brexit

on March 29. Which I think we can all

has left her... deflated.

She's let herself down, she's let
the party down, she's

let the whole country down.

The irony, of course,
is that the whole thing

has been brought about by
about three or four pricks.

How do we feel about this week
in politics, and Brexit?

This is an awful thing
to say, but I've never known...

You know they want people to
be engaged with politics? I've never

more people to talk about politics.

I was in a cafe and strangers
were talking to me about politics.

Turns out, to get people engaged in
politics, all you need to do is

fuck up the country.

This is how much I've
been enjoying watching it.

I've faked a chest infection to get
steroids so I can watch more of it

I never thought we'd
get to the end

of Game of Thrones before Brexit.

Also, the people who I feel sorry
for as well,

those Spanish tourist resorts.

They thought they were so close
to getting rid of the expats,

so close to taking back their towns.

They could literally smell
the paella without chips.

Theresa May is now taking
her deal back to Parliament

next week for a third
meaningful vote.

She is starting to become
The Neverending Tory.

They're calling the new vote MV3.

Do you think she understands
the meaning of the word


She should have called the first
one the practice vote,

the second one the
shits and giggles vote.

And this should be called the real
one, if it goes the way I want it

If meaningful vote three is
anything like Toy Story 3,

phew, it's going to be a

Or maybe it'll be like Fast
and Furious 6, which turns out

to be better than previous ones.

Maybe MV7, Dwayne "The Rock"
Johnson's going to pop out.

Richard asked...

It was such a bizarre exchange.
Channel 4's Jon Snow

and the Attorney General,
Geoffrey Cox,

got into a Twitter spat.

Jon Snow tweeted the Attorney
General had been told to find a way

to agree that Theresa May's new deal
was valid, to which Britain's

top lawmaker responded, "Bollocks."

Is that a legal term?

He's a QC! I don't want him
defending me. Some guy goes up,

seven days of evidence, he gets
up - "Bollocks!"

"Objection. Bollocks."

If he'd been watching Game of
Thrones, he could have tweeted

back, "You know nothing, Jon Snow."

Jon Snow didn't reply,
but it clearly got to him.

I reckoned it seethed inside his head
and he had all this anger

and suddenly, a few days later,

it all came out during a tetchy
interview with Matt Hancock.

Parliament is, for once, deeply
representative of the country -

it's completely asunder.
Nobody in the country knows

what's going on, nobody in there
knows, and you know nothing

about what's going on, even inside
the Cabinet.

The Cabinet is at sea,
the country is at sea.

We are a laughing stock. Is that a
question, or just your position?

I'm putting it to you.


I love the fact that Jon Snow is one
of the country's most respected

broadcasters and even he's now
reduced to talking about Brexit

like you'd do in a pub car park.

It was like Arsenal fan's TV,
that was.

To give you an idea
how chaotic it all is,

last night the Brexit Secretary,
Stephen Barclay, argued passionately
in Parliament for the extension

of Article 50, then voted against the
thing he'd just been promoting.

It's mad! It's nuts!

How bad is he as a public speaker
that he can't convince himself?

I honestly think there is a good
chance, given how shit Brexit is,

that he just ticked the wrong box.

Here's the important point, though -
the EU said they'd only agree

to an extension if we've
got a good excuse.

So our poll for tonight is, what
excuse should we give for

extending Article 50?

Tweet us @TheLastLeg, use
the hashtag Article50Excuses.

Maybe tell them
a Rees-Mogg ate our homework.


She's got to go in, plead insanity.

Next time she goes to Brussels,
don't even say anything,

just open up a tin of cat food
and start eating it.

All the while, keeping eye contact.

They would say, "Fuck,
she needs an extension."

It'll just look like
she's training

for when she goes on
I'm a Celebrity next year.

Russel Kemp said...

I've always wanted an extra foot -

I didn't think it would be on my


You look like you're about
to be friends with a beach ball.

I love the fact that you really are,
with the one leg, by June 30,

really are going to look like a

We should get you a little parrot
for your shoulder.

I've said I'm going to keep growing
the beard until Brexit's sorted.

I'm absolutely going
to commit to this joke.

Whether it is June 30 or it's longer,
I'm going to keep this going.

Are you worried they've sorted
Brexit and they're just taking

the piss out of you now?

This is both a protest at how
drawn-out this whole process has

and a handy way of stockpiling food
in case shit goes south.

Seriously. Do you know what's
in here? Bounty.

See? Already like a pirate.

If I shake it a bit... got som jelly
beans up there, too.

Oh, yeah, that's right -
I do balloons and magic.

If only there was a gap
in the market for a bearded
Australian children's entertainer.


With an extra leg.

You haven't got an extra leg.

I have at home, it's in the wardrobe.

One of the biggest casualties
of the week was Theresa May's voice.

She croaked her way through
Wednesday's debate

and then said, "If you
think that's bad,

you should hear
Jean-Claude Juncker's voice today.

Juncker opened his speech in Brussels
by saying,

"Allow me to tell you a secret -

"I didn't sleep much
because of Mrs May last night."

No wonder she wants
an immediate withdrawal.


It was so bad Michael Gove had to
stand in for her during the debate.

That's a shame - I wanted her to do
a debate like, you know

the Andrew Lincoln scene in Love
Actually with the cards?

I like the idea of her operating
Michael Gove like a ventriloquist

Donald Tusk from the EU posted this
adorable hand-written letter he got

from a six-year-old girl.

"I live in Britain, I know
we are leaving the EU but I think

"we should be friends.
Please may I have a signed photo

"of you for my Europe book,
from Sophie, aged, six.

"I have drawn you a unicorn."

Theresa May is already doing it!

The next letter from Sophie, age
six, she'll ask for an extension for
Article 50.

I don't think that is Theresa May -
that's Donald Tusk.

If you go into his office, there is
a sticker thing without three

stickers and eight
first attempts at a unicorn.

Tomorrow, Nigel Farage's big march
kicks off, from Sunderland to London.

It is his protest march.

I have offered to sponsor him...

..for every mile he doesn't

270 miles, there's no way he's
going to do the whole thing.

For every mile he doesn't walk,
I'll donate £10 to an asylum seeker

charity, cos he'd probably hate

Think of it as a dick-starter.

Meanwhile, the Right Honourable
Member for Privilege,

Boris Johnson, poked his head
up this week like a toddler

that hasn't had any
attention for five minutes.

This is what he said about police
funding and child sex abuse cases.

The question is where you spend
the money and deploy the officers.

One comment I would make is I think
an awful lot of money, an awful

lot of police time, now goes
into these historic offences

and all this malarkey.

You know, £60 million I saw was
being spaffed up the wall

on some investigation

into historic child abuse and all
this kind of thing.

What on earth is that going to do
to protect the public now?

We make fun of Boris
on the show. Wiff-waff and all this.

No, no, no, this is different.

You don't describe sexual
abuse cases as malarkey.

And you don't use the phrase
"spaffing against the wall".

And thirdly, he was almost certainly
describing a current investigation

into historic child abuse cases
involving politicians, amongst

An investigation that saw
a Lib Dem peer suspended yesterday

for suggesting he might
have known what was going on.

What annoys me the most
is that a lot of people wrote

this off as "Boris being Boris".

No. A newsreader would have lost
their job, a police chief

would have lost their job.
The former foreign secretary gets

away with it.

Chirpy 8221 summed it all
up beautifully in a tweet.

Let's remember,
this is a man who spent

£52 million on a garden bridge
that was never built, £320 million

on buses that had to be refit
and £323,000 on water cannons

for London - which literally
went up against a wall.

In fact, last week we showed
you how much Chris Grayling

had pissed up against a wall,
this week we're going to demonstrate

how much Boris has spaffed up
against the wall.

ANNOUNCER: We seem to have lost
The Last Leg for a minute.

We're just trying to find an episode
of The Simpsons to put on.

Not the Michael Jackson one.
Not the Michael Jackson one! Shit!

Let's go back to The Last Leg.

All right, let's welcome
tonight's guests.

She's a TV presenter
and international poker champion,

he's a TV presenter
with an international poker face.

Please welcome Victoria
Coren Mitchell and Richard Ayoade.


Welcome to you both.

I'm going to ask a question -
what have you both made of anything

that's gone on this weekend? Richard,
what have you made of the whole
Brexit stuff?

Sorry, I just had an internal vote.

And... I am going to extend
my silence till June...

..on the matter, until I've got some

Look, Brexit's bloody
Brexit, we know that.

It's terribly exciting.

Aren't all offences historic?

I mean...


Unless you're in
the film Terminator...

..offences occur in time.

Yes, unless he's suggesting
we should start diverting money

to future offences.
Victoria, your thoughts?

How do you feel about...? What would
happen with a second referendum?

I think it would be a landslide
for Leave but I think

that would be...

I quite like it now
that it's unresolved.

I'll be honest, I don't know
a great deal about it.

I said to my husband on the way,
I rang him and went, "You better

"tell me the gist of what's
been happening with Brexit."

He said it would be a shame
to trample on the fresh snow

of your ignorance.

"Love you!"

I have a sort of tuned out.

From a slightly removed perspective.

I've thought, "It's just noise."

I do feel like it
has got quite funny. Yeah.

And it wasn't funny,
for a long time.

You know like when you see a show
at the Edinburgh Fringe

and after five minutes
you think "this is terrible",

but when it's still happening
after 45 minutes you think there's
a kind of genius goingon?


I remember I saw your show.


No, but there is a kind of...
They're still talking about it.

If you imagine, in five years' time
when we're still negotiating

Brexit, they're going to be doing
it in sort of tears of laughter,

hammering the table.
David Davis might die laughing.

Here we all are.

I don't think there'll be a period
of my life when Brexit

is not being discussed.

After a bit, we'll go,
"It has stopped being funny.

"Now it's hilarious again."

All the time we wasted worrying,
"What if Brexit happens

"and it's a disaster? What if it
doesn't happen and it's a betrayal?

"Doesn't matter, this is
the status we're in forever."

Craig said....

Here's the thing - we've had this
board made up from the beginning

of the series. We thought this
series, which finishes

on the 29th of March at 11pm, as we
leave the EU,

this was the perfect
way to cover it all.

Now, we've had this whole big thing
made up. Theresa May is right

there - she's only got two
shows until Brexit and it
might not happen.

Luckily, though, we have a backstop.


It's an Australian backstop.

We've prepared this.

We thought this might all go wrong.

We're going to spin it, aren't we?

March 29...

I'll go out.

Your right, or my right?

My left. To you? You go forward.

Let's not get involved in that one,

Josh, you come round this way...
I'll come round that way.

It turns out, March 29 is also -
ready? - the birthday of Australian

supermodel Elle Macpherson.

# Happy birthday to ya... #

If we don't leave the EU on March
29, we'll spend the entire show

celebrating Elle Macpherson's

Elle, we haven't invited you yet -
you are now invited.

She's busy - it's her birthday.

Elle Macpherson, if you want to
come, this is going to be...

It's like the roids have kicked in!

It's official, ladies and gentlemen,
we are now three shows

till Elle Macpherson's birthday!


We'll have more Last Leg
for you after the break

as we celebrate
30 years of the internet.

Plus, we want to know what excuse
should we give the EU for

extending Article 50.

Tweet us @TheLastLeg

We'll see you in a little bit.

Welcome back to The Last Leg.

We're joined by Richard Ayoade
and Victoria Coren Mitchell.

I've just realised I've had

something stuck in my foot
this whole time!

Didn't even feel it. Emily asks...

Yes, Lee Spencer, a former Marine
who lost his leg in an accident,

rowed from Portugal
to French Guyana in 60 days.


Yeah, absolutely!

Guy-ana? Gee-ana? French Guyana.

The previous record was 96 days and
was held by an able-bodied rower,

who, I'm gonna say, bit of a wuss.

Not only did
Lee Spencer row without a leg,

he also did it without a cox.

There was more good news for him -
when he got over there,

Chris Grayling awarded him
a ferry contract, so...

It's a wonderful story.

He got there and there was
no disabled parking, though,

so he had to come back.

Would you ever, Richard or Victoria,

consider doing anything
along those lines?


Holding up a small burning thing?

I mean... no.

Even that celebration
looks too dangerous for me!

Along the way he encountered
40-foot waves, gastroenteritis...

I mean, he had it, it wasn't
just floating out there.

..sharks, flying fish
and four sperm whales.

And a partridge in a pear tree!
Indeed. The worst thing is,

he also encountered a baby shark

and then couldn't get that song
out of his head!

I want to know, how did he break...

I mean, 36 days breaking
the able-bodied record.

I'm going to ask this -

has anyone checked
what's in his prosthetic?

I'm not saying he cheated but...

Do you have any conception

in advance of how many days
it should take?

If someone said you a fortnight ago,

"How long would it take
to row the Atlantic?"

I would have said,
"Maybe eight days?"

It would take eight days
to go across the Atlantic

in a boat with an engine!

Oh, yes...

That does seem quick.
It doesn't have to.

The Queen Mary could get to New York
in three or four days.

But it's lazy. It's not that
it's lazy, it's that

it's a trip of a lifetime! People
are having their golden wedding.

They don't want to get there fast.
He could have done it in two weeks

but it was a big trip,
he wanted to...

This kind of thing.
Someone does some heroic thing

and people go, "Ooh, he did it in
only 36 days." You had no idea
how long it should take before!

I've got a plane. Less than a day,
mate! He's making us all look bad.

All three of us look bad.

He's from Devon, so
you should be ashamed!

He's disabled, so
you should be ashamed.

And he's 49 with one leg
and a beard.

It's like the three of us had
a kid and it made us all look bad!

He did receive messages of support
from Joanna Lumley,

from Prince Harry, Ross Kemp...

What a WhatsApp group
that must have been!

Imagine Ross Kemp, the message...

Being Ross Kemp, topless going, "You
have no idea how much this means!"

He is an inspiration - well done,
Lee. He has inspired us tonight.

We want to see who is the best
disabled rower on this show!

Oh, yeah. He did 60 days.
At the end of tonight's show,

Alex and I will go head-to-head

to see who can go the furthest in
60 seconds in Atlantic conditions.

Josh is not allowed to compete.

After his illness this week,
he is too disabled.

Failed the drugs test, mate. I'm
roided up to the fucking eyeballs!

I don't want to be pessimistic
about the challenge,

and I get we have similar legs

but I do think
you'll be at a slight advantage!

There is the whole grabbing thing.

What was that act-out you just did?
The grabbing thing!


Like a bear!

What's worse is I did that and then
laughed and snot came out!

At the other end of the disability
spectrum, a Slovenian woman

was arrested this week for
allegedly sawing off her own hand

so she could claim compensation.

Theresa May is already thinking,

"That's the way I could
get them to extend Article 50!"

It lead to this embarrassing
moment on 5 Live this week

as Nicky Campbell accidentally made
the story slightly more dramatic.

Police in Slovenia have accused
a woman of sewing off her own head

with her family's help
for a fake insurance claim.

The 21-year-old was in line
for more than £300,000 from a policy

she'd just taken out...

Her own hand.


You can't really accuse somebody
of sawing off their own head.

At that stage, they're a torso!

You really have to just
bury someone at that stage.

He then went on to introduce
the Beatles classic

I Wanna Hold Your Head.

Does Nicky Campbell go to Halloween
parties, sees one of those ghosts

with a head under the arm
and goes, "Yeah, I'd buy that!"

Ashley Brook tweeted us
on Tuesday to say...

Somebody's already tweeted me
because earlier in the show

I said the internet is 30 years old
and they said no, the internet has

been around for longer but the web
is 30 years old. Thank you
for tweeting. Not thank you!

Don't encourage
that kind of behaviour!

That guy, and I'm assuming it was
a guy, sounds like a lot of fun!

On Only Connect next series, 100%.

30 years ago, Sir Tim Berners-Lee
submitted his proposal

for the world wide web.

It's hard to believe there are
people watching this show right now

who have never heard this noise.


It just makes me sad!

I didn't think
it was going to take off.

The internet? Genuinely.

We got the internet and I thought...
"This is fucking shit."

And we also got Encarta,
the encyclopaedia on a CD,

and I was like,
"That is better than the internet."

I just think it's a shame
he didn't name it after himself.

Imagine if he'd called
it the Timothy.

Nothing bad would have happened on
the Timothy! It's such a nice name.

And nobody would be sat at home

in their bedroom giving celebrities
abuse on the Timothy!

Richard, how has the internet
improved your life?

I mean, I'm still drifting...

So I don't know that
it's necessarily improved things.

I am able to order
more things that I shouldn't.

And they come directly
to the post office now,

so that's pretty good.

I can receive e-mails
that I don't want.

And I can avoid people.

So generally, it's pretty good.

I did think, though,
and this is with Brexit,

this is my actual feeling about it,

it's like trying
to divorce Gwyneth Paltrow.

You can't divorce Gwyneth Paltrow.

She's going to be
in your life forever.

She's going to be with
the new girlfriend,

they're going to organise
the wedding.

This is the situation, she's too
good in a sense to ever let go

and that's what Brexit is.


Does that answer your question
about the internet?

That absolutely answers my question!

Victoria? Are you a fan
of the internet. No. I mean...

No. That's enough.

Do you know my favourite ever clip
from the start of the internet?

What? The proof of how the internet

has changed - the world wide web,
don't write in -

in the 30 years, have you ever
listen to Pete Tong reading out

his e-mail address on Radio 1
in the late '90s?

No, go on. It's amazing!

Here it comes...

I know it doesn't make sense
but if you've got a computer and

you're out there on the internet,
you will understand what I mean.

Wow, we have really moved
on since then.

For me the clip that best
illustrates the internet, and

we talked about this this week -

when you talk about the internet
and the web you talk about clips

that have gone viral - the one
for me that demonstrates

the beauty of the web started
when a Star Wars fan filmed himself

conducting a lightsaber fight

in this cringeworthy
and very lo-fi footage.


That had over 34 million views!

But the perfect example
of how a nondescript video

can become a viral hit came when
remarkably accurate special effects

were added, thus
creating this masterpiece.


Brilliant! That's
the internet summed up for me!

Alex, I know you have one.

My favourite internet clip shows
the best way to scare a giant panda.

Here it is.


No wonder they don't
want to reproduce

when their kids are
doing that to them!

My favourite bit of that was
Victoria jumped!

That was so sweet!

I love that we're showing you
new bits of the internet tonight!

Martine Placard asked...

This is the latest craze to sweep
the internet. It's the Triangle
Dance Challenge. It lookslike this.

MUSIC: Milkshake by Kelis

Martine, you wanted it,
you got it!

Right, Josh...


By the way, we've got
four feet between three of us!

And only 220% of lungs!

I'll go this way first.

So I go in first. And then back,
and then I'll go to the side.

You ready? OK, ready... Who's
going in first? I'll go in first,

then Adam, then you.
One, two, three, go!

MUSIC: Milkshake


We'll have more Last Leg for
you after the break as we look
into the nation's shopping basket

and Alex and I prepare
for our rowing challenge.

Plus, we want to know -

what should our excuse be
for delaying Article 50?

Tweet us @TheLastLeg, hashtag it
#Article50Excuses. See you soon.


Oh, Jesus!


Welcome back to The Last Leg.

We're still joined by Victoria
Coren Mitchell and Richard Ayoade.

That may be my favourite thing
we've ever done.

Stella said: #IsItOk that Trump
called Tim Cook of Apple

"Tim Apple" as an easy way
to save time and words?

This started last week. The US
President made this faux pas when

referring to the CEO
of Apple, Tim Cook.

I used to say, Tim, you've got to
start doing it over here, and you

really have, you've really put
a big investment in our country.

We appreciate it very much,
Tim Apple.

Now, this week, Donald Trump tweeted
to say he did it to save time and

words. Because he's known
for his brevity...

Thank God he wasn't in a meeting
with Richard Branson. Yes?

I just love the fact that
"Tim Apple"... It's the way you save

someone on your phone
when you don't really know them.

It's like "Colin Builder"
or, like, "Josh Work".

Richard, Victoria? It's quite
Welsh, isn't it? The Welsh do that.

In the old days somebody would be
Baker because that's what they do.

Do you know, I once called the owner
of Sainsbury's "Lord Sainsbury",

then it turned out it was his name.

It was the guy's name.
It was the guy's name.

Richard? I like him.
You like Donald Trump?

I mean, more and more. I just...
I'm really enjoying his work.

I sort of feel to be able
to be an idiot on that level is

incredible. And it makes you realise
it really doesn't matter, nothing

matters. And I find that reassuring.

It's going to be fine, because
someone doesn't even know who he's

in the meeting with and it's fine.

I mean, what happened? Nothing
happened. It's fine. He could have

called him Tony Shitgarden,
and nothing happened,

and I find it quite liberating.

Do you know what his advice was
on Brexit to Theresa May?

She said his advice was don't even
negotiate at all, just

sue them. This is the kind of advice
you get from a wealthy property

developer who's just drunk
four litres of Coca-Cola.

"Just sue 'em!" It could be his
advice for anything. "Oh, my child

"won't go to sleep."
"Sue it. Just sue it.

"Sue it."
Have you tried that?

It's got to be worth a try.
It's worth a try, mate. Anything.

Everything's so hyper. Now listen,
we've got to go to the break, but

you and I have to start getting
ready for our rowing challenge.

I mentioned earlier on, and
you're exactly right, I was aware of

this fact, that it was going to be
a bit tricky for Alex to try and do

this, but I've got
some special gloves for you. Yeah.

Yeah. Look. This is genuine.
This isn't a joke.

These are my funny little gloves
that I got.

And you attach them to the oars.

I'm going to attach them to the oars
for all the rowing I do.

And then... And if the boat sinks,
that's doubly worrying.

I like to attach them to all sorts
of things. I got stuck on a

trolley at Asda the other day.

No. Don't do that!

So you... Look.
Oh, yeah, they are good!

This is the closest
we've ever felt.

You're almost head-butting Victoria.
We are genuinely going to do

this. You're going to go off
and get changed in a second.

Do you want to get changed now,
get the rest of your rowing gear?

Let's bring the boats on.
We are going to set this up.

We are going to do this
live in the studio.

And I am going to get into my...

I've got my rowing gear
here already.

In fact, I'm stripping into it
right now as we speak.

We'll be back with more of
The Last Leg in a minute.

Awesome. Alex and I are going to
prepare to find out... Oh, my God,

your rowing gear's really tight,
and I don't like it!

We're going to find out who's
the best disabled rower on the show

in a minute. See you soon!



Welcome back to The Last Leg.
We're still joined by Victoria Coren
Mitchell and Richard Ayoade.

I am ready for the rowing race at
the end of the show.

I am in my rowing gear.

Alex has gone off to get changed.



Oh, yeah.

I look like the Marshmallow Man
off of Ghostbusters.

Those trousers!

Josh has been doling up the last
seven days. What have you got?

Would you like to see
an paraglider experiencing
a very Australian landing?

Yes, please.


What's up, Skip?

Hey! Fuck off!

Go away!

Argh. Fuckin' kangaroos!


All right. We asked what excuses we
should give the EU for extending
Article 50.

I mean, they are all very British,
the excuses that have come in.

Stuck on a replacement bus service.

Leaves on the line.

We forgot our PE kit.

And, "We haven't read
the first 49 yet."

That pretty much brings us
to the end of the show,

would you please thank our guests,
Victoria Coren Mitchell...


..and Richard Ayoade!

And my co-hosts,
Josh Widdicombe...

..and Alex Brooker.

Next week we'll be joined on the
couch by comedian Kevin Bridges.

But right now, Alex and I are about
to go head-to-head

to see who is the best
disabled rower on the show.

Do you want to strap yourself in?
Yeah, I can't reach the...


Victoria and Richard, would you like
to come over and be coxes for both
of us?

Well, when you say, "Like to"...
Like to!

If you would like, you have our
loud-hailers there to cheer us
on. Josh will recreate the...

Do you want me to take you through
what is going on here then? What
have you got?

So, what is gonna happen, is you've
got 60 seconds to row as far as you
can. Yep.

Your progress will be charted on the
Meaningful Boat -

there it is, you'll both go along
- and you can see who will win.

To recreate the Atlantic I'm gonna
be throwing inflatable fish at you!

OK. Are you ready, Alex?
I will start this.

I think so. Shout whatever you like
at them to inspire them.

I like that you already looked

Three, two, one...



How can it be so close?


Come on,
you've got to be faster than that!

Still close, it's very close!

No, they're going faster than us!

Faster, faster!


Oh, come on!


Well done.

I'm not going to lie, I'm

Who won? I can't get out!
I can't tell. Who won?

You both reached the other side.
Has Alex won?

VICTORIA: Oh, no, no, no!

Of course I haven't!

RICHARD: The entire boat was being
yanked forward,

with his terrifying intensity...
According to that...

..the winner is Alex Brooker!


Thanks for watching The Last Leg.

My name's Adam Hills.
See you next week for the next leg!