The L Word (2004–2009): Season 3, Episode 1 - Labia Majora - full transcript

PLEASE... DON'T LEAVE.

YOU ARE A FULL-ON LESBIAN.

YOU JUST WANT TO
SLEEP WITH PEOPLE,

MAKE THEM FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU.

JENNY WOULDN'T KNOW
WHAT THE REAL DEAL WAS

IF IT BIT HER IN THE ASS.

WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?

IT MAKES ME FEEL GOOD.

BECAUSE I'M IN CHARGE.

AND IT HELPS ME REMEMBER
ALL OF THIS CHILDHOOD SHIT

THAT HAPPENS TO ME.



I NEED HELP.

YOU'RE JUST BACK
FROM CHERIE JAFFE LAND?

NOTHING'S CHANGED. I'M STILL ME.

YOU DON'T THINK

YOU COULD HAVE CHANGED
YOUR PLAN A LITTLE BIT?

I DON'T HAVE A PLAN.

THAT'S THE POINT.

DON'T WANT TO GET
INVOLVED WITH ANYBODY,

AND THAT IS COOL.

I DON'T FEEL LIKE I HAVE
ANYTHING LEFT TO GIVE.

I KNOW HOW HARD YOU WORK...

KEEP YOURSELF AT A
DISTANCE FROM EVERYONE ELSE.

I DON'T WANT YOU TO GO.

THIS IS THE KEY TO MY APARTMENT.



I LIVE TWO BLOCKS

FROM THE PLANET.

IVAN, IT'S NOT A DONE DEAL YET.

I'D BE HAPPY TO
CO-SIGN ON THE LOAN.

BUT WHAT ABOUT THE DOWN PAYMENT?

THIS IS A DREAM COME TRUE.

LADY WITH THE FLASHING EYES.

THANKS FOR KEEPING ME COMPANY.

I REALLY APPRECIATE IT.

IT WAS MY PLEASURE.

I JUST DON'T WANT
YOU TO GET HURT.

I KNEW GOING IN
WHAT THE DEAL WAS.

I WANT THIS BABY MORE THAN EVER.

I'M NOT EVER GOING TO
THINK ABOUT HER AGAIN.

DID YOU FUCK ALL NIGHT

BEFORE YOU TOLD HER I
WAS THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE?

YOU GAVE UP YOUR AUTONOMY

IN A RELATIONSHIP

THAT THE LAW DOESN'T RECOGNIZE.

I GOT A CALL FROM TINA'S LAWYER.

TINA, WE CAN FIX THIS.

HELENA, I HOPE YOU'RE GOING TO
CONTINUE TO SUPPORT THE ARTS.

I DON'T THINK SO.

DID YOU KNOW THAT
TINA WAS PREGNANT?

BETTE, YOU DIDN'T KNOW?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING
WITH MY GIRLFRIEND?

TINA DOESN'T SEEM TO THINK
SHE REALLY IS YOUR GIRLFRIEND.

I NEED TO HAVE SOME
KIND OF RESOLUTION

BEFORE THE BABY IS BORN.

THAT'S YOUR BABY.

I REALLY LOVED
BEING THERE WITH YOU.

COME HERE.

THE BOARD HAS DECIDED

TO BUY OUT YOUR CONTRACT.

I WANT TO MOVE
BACK INTO OUR HOUSE.

WELCOME

TO THE FIRST CORPORATE-SPONSORED
LESBIAN WEDDING.

ARE YOU MY FIANCEE, TONYA,
OR ARE YOU MY MANAGER?

SO IF I WAS TO KISS YOU AGAIN?

YOU ALWAYS LET HER GET AWAY.

WE HAVE TO TELL OUR FRIENDS.

I WANT MORE OF YOU.

WE DON'T BELONG TOGETHER.

DON'T NECESSARILY THINK
WE SHOULD BE FRIENDS

WITH OUR EXES.

YOU'RE VERY CUTE. OH, SHUT UP.

WHAT DO YOU THINK
ABOUT MOVING IN WITH ME?

WHAT?

I DIDN'T KNOW I WAS
TURNING INTO SOMEONE

WHO WAS ALL SMOTHERY
AND NEEDY AND...

YOU ARE GONNA HAVE

A VERY, VERY INTERESTING LIFE

BECAUSE WE ARE SOME VERY,
VERY INTERESTING PEOPLE.

OH, MY GOD, WHERE IS IT?

OH, NO, IT'S HORRIBLE.

DON'T SAY IT'S HORRIBLE.

IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

WELL, IT SURE ISN'T BEAUTIFUL.

DOLL, IT LOOKS LIKE
BURNT CURTAINS,

BUT I'LL BE DAMNED

IF I'M GOING TO BE CALLED FRIGID

FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE

JUST BECAUSE I DON'T UNDERSTAND

WHAT I'VE GOT GOING
ON DOWN THERE.

CAREFUL WITH THE GRANOLA!

GIRLS...

IF IT WASN'T FOR THIS GROUP,

I'D STILL THINK VALIUM WAS
MY ONLY HOPE FOR SURVIVAL.

AND I WOULD STILL
BELIEVE IN THE MYTH

OF THE VAGINAL ORGASM.

THANK YOU, SIGMUND FREUD,

YOU PATRONIZING, SEXIST PIG!

WHOO!

CAN I JUST SAY...

I KNOW THIS IS ONLY
OUR FIFTH MEETING,

BUT I ALREADY FEEL
CLOSER TO ALL OF YOU

THAN I DO TO MY OWN HUSBAND.

AW...

I SURE DON'T KNOW ANY HUSBAND

THAT'S GOING TO
GET THIS FAMILIAR

WITH A BUNCH OF
LADIES' WIFF-WAFFS.

WHAT ABOUT YOU, SWEETIE?

IS THIS JUST ALL TOO
FAR OUT FOR YOU?

OH, NO, I...

WHAT?

COME ON, YOU CAN TELL US.

WE'RE YOUR SISTERS.

YOU CAN TELL US
HOW YOU'RE FEELING.

I DIDN'T KNOW...

CHET, HE'S JUST SO FAST

AND CLUMSY.

I HAD NO IDEA ABOUT THE, UM...

EXCUSE ME.

I'M JUST GOING TO
GO CHECK ON HER.

YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO BE HAPPY...

AND SEXUALLY FULFILLED.

I SHOULD...

DID YOU KNOW THAT YOU
CAN BE SEXUALLY FULFILLED?

I SHOULD GO.

CHET'S EXPECTING ME.

SO?

I HAVE A THREE-YEAR-OLD.

HE SOMETIMES WAKES.

NIGHT TERRORS.

WELL, WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN

IF YOU TURN UP A LITTLE LATE?

HMM?

IS THE WORLD GOING
TO STOP TURNING?

DOCK YOUR ALLOWANCE?

WHAT DO I TELL HIM?

TELL HIM THE GIRLS HAD A
LOT TO TALK ABOUT TONIGHT.

TELL HIM WE'RE
CHANGING THE WORLD,

AND IT'S GOING TO
TAKE SOME TIME.

TELL HIM IT'S NO EASY TASK

CREATING EQUALITY FOR WOMEN.

♪ GIRLS IN TIGHT DRESSES
WHO DRAG WITH MUSTACHES ♪

♪ CHICKS DRIVING FAST
INGENUES WITH LONG LASHES ♪

♪ WOMEN WHO LONG, LOVE,
LUST WOMEN WHO GIVE ♪

♪ THIS IS THE WAY IT'S
THE WAY THAT WE LIVE ♪

♪ TALKING, LAUGHING
LOVING, BREATHING ♪

♪ FIGHTING, FUCKING
CRYING, DRINKING ♪

♪ WRITING, WINNING
LOSING, CHEATING ♪

♪ KISSING, THINKING, DREAMING ♪

♪ THIS IS THE WAY... ♪

♪ IT'S THE WAY THAT WE LIVE ♪

♪ IT'S THE WAY THAT WE LIVE ♪

♪ AND LOVE ♪

THAT WAS "SO JEALOUS"
BY TEGAN AND SARA,

AND I'M ALICE PIESZECKI,

AND YOU'RE LISTENING
TO THE CHART ON KCRW.

WELCOME BACK.

TONIGHT, WE ARE TALKING
ABOUT THE CONNECTION

BETWEEN LOVE AND THE SENSES.

YOUR LOVER KISSES YOU,

AND YOU FEEL A TREMOR
IN THE BACK OF YOUR KNEES.

THE SYNAPSES FIRE,
SENDING ORDERS...

"MOVE YOUR LEGS, MOVE YOUR ARMS.

"SHE'S THE ONE FOR YOU.

"SHE'S THE... GIRL
OF YOUR DREAMS.

SHE'S YOUR ONE AND ONLY...

AND YOU KNOW,

BECAUSE THE SMELL OF
HER MAKES YOUR HEAD SWIM,

BECAUSE YOU GET A
PHYSICAL JOLT EVERY TIME...

SHE SENDS A GLANCE YOUR WAY.

I MEAN, SHE TOUCHES YOU HERE...

AND YOU FEEL IT HERE.

IT...

YOU TOUCH HER ANYWHERE,

AND YOU FEEL IT EVERYWHERE,

AND THEN...

BOOM!

IT'S SIX MONTHS LATER,

AND SHE'S... TOUCHING
SOMEONE ELSE.

HI.

HEY.

AND YOU MIGHT SAY,

"HEY, AL...

"RELATIONSHIPS
END, LOVERS LEAVE,

LEAVING A LABYRINTH OF
HEARTACHE AND BETRAYAL."

FOR EXAMPLE, MY FIRST
BOYFRIEND LEFT ME

FOR A VOLUPTUOUS FORMER
LESBIAN NAMED APRIL,

WHO I THEN WOUND UP
HAVING A REBOUND AFFAIR WITH.

BUT WE COULD ALSO
TALK ABOUT GABBY,

OTHERWISE KNOWN AS LESBIAN X,

THE POINT OF ORIGIN

FOR AN ENTIRE
GEOGRAPHICAL SUBSTRATUM

OF LESBIAN LINKAGES,

INCLUDING LARA.

WHAT ARE YOU MAKING?

A SURPRISE.

SIX EGG YOLKS, 3/4
CUP OF HEAVY CREAM.

LARA, I CAN'T EAT
THIS. I'M TRAINING.

YES, YOU CAN,

BECAUSE WITH YOUR METABOLISM,

AND THE WORKOUT
I'M ABOUT TO GIVE YOU,

YOU CAN INDULGE

IN MY LITTLE BREAKFAST SOUFFLE.

CAN I?

YES.

OKAY.

WORKOUT, HUH?

MM-HMM.

YES, THAT SAME LARA.

WE LOVE HER.

LARA THE LARCENIST.

LARA THE LIBERATOR.

LARA THE NEW, UH, TRUE LOVE

OF... OF DANA.

AND, UH...

YEAH.

I MEAN, DANA,

WHO TOLD ME SHE NEEDED CLOSURE,

CLOSURE WITH LARA.

WELL...

IT'S SIX MONTHS LATER,

AND I'M STILL WAITING
FOR IT TO CLOSE.

♪ HELLO, EVERYBODY ♪

♪ SO GLAD TO SEE YOU ♪

♪ HELLO, TO LOLA ♪

♪ SO GLAD TO SEE YOU ♪

♪ HELLO, TO PIERCE ♪

♪ SO GLAD TO SEE YOU ♪

♪ HELLO, TO ANGELICA ♪

♪ SO GLAD TO SEE YOU ♪

♪ HELLO, EVERYBODY ♪

♪ SO GLAD TO SEE YOU ♪

YAY!

IT'S TIME FOR INSTRUMENTS.

I'LL TRY AND GET HER
THE TRIANGLE TODAY.

OKAY.

OH, I WAS JUST LOOKING FOR THAT.

I'M SURE THERE'S MORE.

NO, THERE AREN'T.
THAT'S THE LAST ONE.

SORRY.

ASSHOLE.

OKAY, DOES EVERYONE
HAVE AN INSTRUMENT?

IT'S TIME TO GET UP

FOR "DANCE IN A CIRCLE" TIME.

SORRY ABOUT THAT.

AH, IT HAPPENS,

ESPECIALLY WITH
SOME OF THESE MOMS.

WHICH ONE OF YOU IS THE MOM?

I GAVE BIRTH, ACTUALLY.

OH, WOW, I WOULD HAVE
FIGURED IT WAS HER.

YOU DAUGHTER
LOOKS A LOT LIKE HER.

SHE'S NOT YOUR SISTER, IS SHE?

SHE'S MY PARTNER.

OH...

AND, UM...

SHE'S A LITTLE
STRESSED OUT TODAY.

WE'RE ABOUT TO HAVE A HOME VISIT

FROM THE ADOPTION SOCIAL WORKER.

BUT SHE'S YOUR BABY.

YEAH.

I MEAN, BUT NOT BETTE'S,

AT LEAST, NOT
ACCORDING TO THE LAW.

SHE HAS TO DO THIS THING

THAT'S CALLED A SECOND
PARENT ADOPTION,

SO SHE CAN LEGALLY BECOME
ANGELICA'S OTHER PARENT.

HMM.

COMPLICATED.

THIS IS SO WEIRD.

I DIDN'T REALIZE IT
WOULD BE SO AWKWARD.

IT DOESN'T HAVE TO
BE AWKWARD, MOM.

JUST TELL ME WHAT'S
BEEN GOING ON,

AND I'LL DO MY BEST
TO HELP YOU OUT.

I... I THINK IT STARTED AROUND
THE TIME DADDY GOT SICK,

AND I JUST... I DIDN'T DEAL.

I JUST DIDN'T DEAL.

I KNOW IT'S MY FAULT,

FOR LETTING IT, YOU KNOW,
GO THIS LONG, BUT HE...

HE WAS SO SICK, AND HE
NEEDED ALL MY ATTENTION,

AND, YOU KNOW,

IF I HAD TAKEN CARE OF MYSELF,

WE WOULD HAVE CAUGHT
IT BEFORE IT GOT THIS BAD...

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, MOM.

LET'S NOT PLAN YOUR FUNERAL YET.

NOW, WHAT ARE YOUR SYMPTOMS?

WELL, BREATHING.

I HAVE A HARD TIME BREATHING,

AND HEART PALPITATIONS,

AND SOMETIMES,

I HAVE TO SIT DOWN
TO CATCH MY BREATH,

AND I, UH...

I'M HAVING THESE
HEADACHES EVERY DAY,

AND I KNOW THEY'RE
CONNECTED TO SOMETHING

THAT'S BAD GOING
ON SOMEWHERE ELSE

AND I... I'M HAVING A HARD TIME

JUST CONCENTRATING
ON ANY ONE THING.

WELL, YOUR BLOOD
PRESSURE'S A LITTLE HIGH,

BUT IT'S NOT OFF THE CHART.

DON'T ASSUME THE WORST, OKAY?

HERE'S WHAT WE'RE GOING TO DO.

I'M GOING TO SEND YOU
FOR SOME BLOODWORK.

WE'RE GOING TO
CHECK YOUR LEVELS.

WE'RE GOING TO RUN A FEW TESTS.

NOW, I'M ACTUALLY BETTING
THAT THIS IS PSYCHOLOGICAL.

YOU'RE UNDER A LOT OF STRESS,

RUNNING THAT BUSINESS
ALL BY YOURSELF,

NOT TO MENTION ALL THE
TIME HELPING WITH TINA'S BABY.

YEAH, WELL, IT'S BETTE'S BABY,
TOO, YOU KNOW, NOT JUST TINA'S.

JUST CALL TODAY.

YEAH, IT'S, UM, 2:00
TO 6:00 ON SATURDAY.

IT'S HER SIX-MONTH.

IT'S REALLY JUST AN
EXCUSE TO HAVE A PARTY.

THANKS. I'LL TRY AND MAKE IT.

OKAY. TAKE CARE.

SEE YOU.

WHY DID YOU INVITE HIM?

HE'S SWEET. I LIKE HIM.

HE'S SO... STRAIGHT.

SINCE WHEN DID YOU HAVE A
PROBLEM WITH STRAIGHT PEOPLE?

I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM
WITH STRAIGHT PEOPLE.

IT'S JUST... HE'S SO...

YOU KNOW, SUBURBAN.

I GREW UP IN THE SUBURBS.

THE SUBURBS
AREN'T THAT TERRIBLE.

WHY DOES EVERYBODY
HAVE TO BE A HIPSTER?

ANGUS...

I HAVE A PROPOSITION FOR YOU.

HMM?

WOULD YOU BE INTERESTED
IN PLAYING FOR THE KIDS

AT ANGELICA'S
SIX-MONTH CELEBRATION?

WOW. YEAH.

I'LL PLAY ALMOST
ANYWHERE I'M INVITED

AS LONG AS THERE'S
A PAYCHECK INVOLVED.

MY BAND'S TRYING
TO PUT OUT OUR CD.

WHAT DO YOU THINK, ANGELICA?

WANT ME TO ROCK YOUR
HALF-BIRTHDAY PARTY?

MAYBE SOME OZZY?

BLACK SABBATH?

I WAS ACTUALLY THINKING

MORE OF COCK-A-DOODLE-DOO.

NO, THAT'S WHAT YOU'LL GET.

THANKS, I COULD
REALLY USE THE CASH.

GREAT.

OOH, COME HERE.

I AM POWER AND BEAUTY,

EMANATING THE WARMTH OF THE SUN,

THROUGH A HEART
AS DEEP AS THE OCEAN.

ARE YOU SURE IT'S NOT
"POCKETS AS DEEP AS THE OCEAN"?

IT COULD BE.

YEAH, POCKETS.

UH, YOU JUST BOUGHT SOMETHING,

SOMETHING THAT MOST PEOPLE
CONSIDER RECKLESS AND FOOLISH.

WE ARE ABOUT TO CLOSE ON A DEAL,

BUT I CAN'T TELL YOU WHAT IT IS.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO SAY.

YOU BOUGHT A MOVIE STUDIO.

MY GOD, HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT?

BECAUSE THE CARDS
KNOW EVERYTHING.

OH...

AND THERE'S A ROMANCE
IN YOUR FUTURE.

SEE?

THIS IS YOU, THE EMPRESS.

SHE KNOWS HOW TO PAMPER HERSELF,

BUT SHE REALLY KNOWS

HOW TO TAKE CARE OF HER LOVERS,

AND THIS, THE KNIGHT OF
WANDS, THAT'S THE LOVE INTEREST.

IT'S A CREATIVE PERSON,
AN ARTIST OF SOME KIND,

VOLATILE AND CHANGEABLE,
ESPECIALLY SEXUALLY.

SEXUALLY CHANGEABLE?

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN,
BISEXUAL OR SOMETHING?

SHUFFLE AND TAKE
THREE MORE CARDS.

BISEXUAL, YEAH.

THIS PERSON IS BISEXUAL.

HE OR SHE, UH...

SHE, I THINK...

IS GOING TO STAND
BACK TO BACK WITH YOU,

AND THEN FACE TO FACE.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

I'M SORRY.

I CAN'T TELL YOU
ANY MORE RIGHT NOW.

EXCEPT THAT SHE
DRIVES A BLUE CAR,

AND SHE'S A BRUNETTE.

ALL RIGHT, NOW,

ONE OF YOU LIE DOWN
ON THIS FLUFFY COUCH,

AND THE OTHER ONE, COME
AND PICK SOME MATERIAL.

MAMA T, WHY DON'T YOU
BE THE "LIER-DOWNER,"

AND I'LL GO CHOOSE
SOME MATERIALS FOR US.

NO... PLEASE.

WHAT?

DO YOU ALSO CALL HER MAMA B?

UH, YEAH, SOMETIMES
I DO CALL HER MAMA B.

OKAY, GET UP.

YOU GO SIT DOWN.

SIT DOWN.

ALL RIGHT, LISTEN, THE
GUIDING PRINCIPLE HERE

IS THAT WE ARE
TRYING TO REKINDLE

THE SEXUAL SPARK

IN THIS LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIP,

AND "MAMA T" AND "MAMA B"

DO NOT MAKE MAD PASSIONATE
LOVE TO ONE ANOTHER.

THEY MAKE COOKIES.

OKAY.

NOW, WHEN YOU DO THESE
SENSATE FOCUS EXERCISES

AT HOME,

TINA, SHE'LL BE NAKED,

WEARING A BLINDFOLD.

OH-HO, NO WAY.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?

I'LL FEEL RIDICULOUS.

I DON'T WANT ANYBODY

STARING DOWN AT MY NAKED BODY,

TICKLING ME WITH STRIPS
OF RUBBER AND SUEDE.

WELL, FIRST OF ALL,
I'M NOT JUST ANYBODY,

I'M YOUR LIFE PARTNER
AND WOULD-BE LOVER,

AND SECONDLY, I
FIND YOU BEAUTIFUL.

YOU CAN'T POSSIBLY
FIND THIS BIG UGLY SCAR

AND MY SAGGING STOMACH

AND MY LEAKY NIPPLES

BEAUTIFUL.

YOU CANNOT TELL ME

WHAT I CAN AND
CAN'T FIND BEAUTIFUL.

I MEAN, I DON'T THINK
THIS IS ALL ABOUT

YOU FEELING
UNATTRACTIVE OR TIRED.

I HATE TO SAY THIS,
BUT, DR. FARBER,

I THINK SHE'S STILL
PUNISHING ME FOR...

I AM NOT PUNISHING YOU.

OH NO?

I'M EXHAUSTED.

I AM UP HALF THE
NIGHT WITH ANGELICA...

LET'S TRY SOMETHING
ELSE, ALL RIGHT?

UH...

WE COULD TRY THE...

THE LOVERS' PAINTBOX.

BEAUTIFUL.

VERY HIGH QUALITY CHOCOLATE.

$33.95.

IT'S TOO EXPENSIVE.

AND THIS IS...

THE HOT SEX ICE CUBE KIT.

$19.95, NOT AS EXPENSIVE.

WHAT DO YOU DO
WITH THE ICE CUBE KIT?

WELL, YOU TAKE A CUBE,

AND IT COULD BE BREAST-SHAPED,

PENIS-SHAPED, WHATEVER.

PUT IT IN YOUR MOUTH,

LET A LITTLE WATER
DRIP ON HER CLIT,

ON HER NIPPLES...

AND BECAUSE, REALLY,

ONE OF THE BIG PROBLEMS OF
LESBIAN SEXUAL DYSFUNCTION

IS AVERSION TO ORAL STIMULATION.

AND THOSE, IF YOU
PARDON THE PUN,

ARE A MAJOR ICEBREAKER.

OR IF ALL ELSE FAILS,

TRY A LITTLE HUMOR.

COME ON, A LITTLE LEVITY

NEVER HURT ANYBODY'S SEX LIFE.

OKAY, SO, WHAT TIME DO YOU
PUT ANGELICA DOWN TO SLEEP?

OH, WELL, IT
DIFFERS EVERY NIGHT.

WE DON'T REALLY HAVE
HER ON A SCHEDULE.

YEAH.

TONIGHT, GET HER TO
SLEEP, PUT HER IN THE CRIB...

NOW, WE DON'T PUT HER DOWN.

WE'RE PRACTICING
ATTACHMENT PARENTING.

WE TRY TO KEEP HER IN CONTACT

WITH ANOTHER HUMAN BODY

AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE.

WHERE IS SHE RIGHT NOW?

MY TURN.

OOH, YEAH.

YEAH, SHE'S A BIG GIRL.

WHOO-HOO!

I WOULDN'T SAY

MY PARENTS ARE HAPPY
ABOUT IT, NECESSARILY.

I WOULD JUST SAY THAT
THEY'VE ACCEPTED IT,

SORT OF, IN THEIR OWN WAY.

YEAH, THEY DON'T TRY

AND FIX YOU UP
WITH GUYS ANYMORE,

SO THAT'S GOOD.

THAT'S GOOD.

YEAH.

THE WHOLE "COMING
OUT TO YOUR PARENTS"

IN A MEXICAN FAMILY, THAT STUFF?

MM, THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

IT DOESN'T REALLY PLAY.

NO, SO YOU JUST
STAY IN THE CLOSET.

NO, SWEETHEART. YES.

YOU DON'T JUST
STAY IN THE CLOSET.

THERE ARE CERTAIN THINGS
THAT ARE UNDERSTOOD,

AND IT IS UNDERSTOOD

THAT WE DO NOT TALK
ABOUT THOSE THINGS.

LIKE, I HAVE THIS UNCLE POPPY,

AND HE BORROWED HIS
SISTER'S PROM DRESS ONE YEAR,

AND WHAT HE DID WITH THAT
PROM DRESS, WE DON'T KNOW,

AND, GUESS WHAT, WE DON'T ASK.

I FOUND IT
DISCONCERTING, THAT'S ALL.

WHY?

WHAT'S WRONG WITH "CLIT"?

IT'S A LITTLE GRAPHIC.

I PREFER THAT OUR THERAPIST

USE A MORE NEUTRAL LANGUAGE.

UNCOMFORTABLE?
YOU A LITTLE, YEAH.

WHAT ABOUT "CUNT"? DO YOU
HAVE A PROBLEM WITH "CUNT"?

IT'S NOT MY FAVORITE.
HEY, BOO-BOO!

LOOK WHO IT IS.

HEY...

HI.

ACTUALLY, I LIKE "PUSSY."

OH, HEAR! HEAR! I LOVE "PUSSY."

EXCUSE ME.

WELL, SHANE, IT'S NOT LIKE

SHE CAN REALLY UNDERSTAND
WHAT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT...

YOU DON'T KNOW THAT.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

WELL, TINA HAS A PROBLEM
WITH THE WORD "CLIT,"

WHICH I FIND SOMEWHAT TROUBLING,

AND SHE'S ALSO NOT
TOO FOND OF "CUNT."

OH, MY GOD, I LOVE
THE WORD "CUNT."

I FIND IT TOTALLY HOT.

NO... YOU DO?

YEAH, DON'T YOU?

I...

WELL, WHAT WORDS DO YOU USE?

"PUSSY" WORKS FOR ME.

MM-HMM. "BEAVER" IS
ALSO FUN SOMETIMES,

AND I LIKE "TWAT."

I ACTUALLY REALLY LIKE TWAT.

YOU KNOW THAT.

I KNOW.

AW, BABE.

I KNOW.

SEE, I GREW UP IN A
WORLD OF EUPHEMISMS.

LIKE, "DOWN THERE,"

"NETHER REGIONS,"
"PRIVATE PARTS,"

"NAUGHTY BITS."

"UH-OH, DON'T TOUCH YOUR NO-NO."

I WAS THE SAME WAY.

PRIVATE PARTS, LADY PARTS,

LADY PARTS, "IT."

"IT," THAT'S MY
PERSONAL FAVORITE...

THEN WHO CAME UP WITH "PEEPER"?

PEEPER. PEEPER,
PEEPER, PEEPER...

MAMA T, WHY DON'T YOU
FEED HER FOR A WHILE.

I THINK SHE'S HUNGRY.

SHE'S FINE.

PEEPER, PEEPER, PEEPER.

ALICE, SERIOUSLY...

"TOUCH MY PEEPER, AL.

NOBODY TOUCHES MY
PEEPER LIKE YOU DO."

OH, LOOK WHAT
HAPPENS TO MY PEEPER

WHEN IT TOUCHES YOUR PEEPER.

IT'S A WET PEEPER. OKAY.

ALICE...

WE'RE GOING TO GO.

IT'S A WET, WET PEEPER.

ALL RIGHT, YOU WIN, AL.

PEEPER.

OH, BABY, SAY HELLO
TO AUNTIE ALICE.

MAMA T, PLEASE...

SAY HELLO. SAY HELLO.

SO, WHAT ARE YOU ON NOW?

I'M ON METHYLPHENIDATE.

POSSIBLE SIDE EFFECTS

INCLUDE, UM, TOURETTE'S.

IT'S OKAY.

WE'RE ALL A LITTLE
STRESSED OUT RIGHT NOW.

IT'LL BE OKAY. YEAH.

TOTALLY.

YEAH, TINA AND I,

WE HAVE OUR FIRST HOME VISIT

WITH THE ADOPTION
SOCIAL WORKER TODAY.

AH...

I'M GOING TO MEET

CARMEN'S MOTHER

AND HAVE DINNER
WITH HER ENTIRE FAMILY.

AND?

I'M GOING TO ACT STRAIGHT.

WHO WINS?

YOU WIN.

YEAH, YOU WIN.

INHALE, TAKE THE
GAZE UP PART WAY.

EXHALE, STEPPING BACK.

TO DANDASANA, LOWERING DOWN.

INHALE, COMING INTO UP-DOG.

OPENING UP THE CHEST
THROUGH THE ARMS.

EXHALING BACK INTO
DOWNWARD-FACING DOG.

NOW, LET'S STEP FROM DOWN-DOG,

THE RIGHT FOOT UP
BESIDE THE RIGHT HAND.

WE'RE GOING INTO
WARRIOR ONE, PEOPLE.

VIRABHADRASANA.

OH, I KNOW.

THIS ONE'S REALLY HARD.

IT KILLS ME.

OH, SWEETHEART, I'M SORRY.

I THOUGHT THIS WOULD
BE GOOD FOR YOU.

IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN DO?

OH, NO, YOU'RE A GOOD FRIEND.

YOU'RE A GOOD FRIEND.

NOW PIVOT ON THE
BALL OF THE LEFT FOOT,

DROP THAT HEEL TO THE GROUND,

TURN THE TOES OUT 45 DEGREES.

IS EVERYONE COOL WITH THAT?

OH, YOU POOR THING.

IS IT DANA?

I DON'T KNOW.

IT COULD BE THESE
NEW DRUGS I'M ON.

OKAY,

AND DROP YOUR SHOULDER BLADES

DOWN YOUR BACK.

I JUST... I FEEL A
LITTLE UNPREDICTABLE,

BUT I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE...

MAYBE IT'S JUST MAKING ME
SPONTANEOUS, YOU KNOW?

LIKE I'M READY...

SHH...

NO TALKING.

OKAY, NOW, LET'S ALL
PARTNER UP WITH THE PERSON

ON THE MAT NEXT TO US.

I WANT YOU TO
TURN BACK TO BACK...

AND LINK ARMS.

NOW, THE PERSON FACING
THE FRONT OF THE ROOM,

I WANT YOU TO BEND FORWARD

AND GENTLY STRETCH
YOUR PARTNER'S BACK.

GENTLY BOUNCE AND STRETCH.

BOUNCE AND STRETCH.

ALICE!

GOOD, NOW SWITCH.

WAIT, WAIT.

WE'RE NOT QUITE BACK TO BACK.

OKAY.

OH, GOD.

OKAY, ONCE YOU'VE
BOTH DONE THE STRETCH,

I WANT YOU TO STAND

AND TURN TO FACE YOUR PARTNERS,

AND GRIP ONE
ANOTHER'S SHOULDERS,

LIKE THIS...

AND BEND YOUR KNEES.

OH, GOD...

HOLY SHIT.

WHAT?

WE WERE BACK TO BACK,
AND NOW WE'RE FACE TO FACE.

YEAH, I KNOW. THAT'S
WHAT HE SAID TO DO.

READY?

OKAY...

SATURDAY, THERE'S A
FUSE EVENT AT FALCON.

WE SHOULD GO.

HELENA, I CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER

HOW TO SAY HELLO
TO A GIRL AT A BAR.

I'LL HELP YOU.

WE'LL SCOPE THE PLACE OUT,
YOU SEE ANYBODY YOU LIKE, AND...

YOUR CAR'S BLUE.

I KNOW IT'S DIRTY.

I'M USUALLY SUCH A
NEAT FREAK, REALLY.

YOU'LL NEVER MEET
ANYONE TIDIER THAN ME.

IT'S JUST...

SINCE DANA, YEAH.

YOU KNOW, MY LIFE
IS SHIT, HELENA, OKAY?

YOU SAW ME IN THERE.

I'M GOOD FOR FIVE MINUTES
ON THESE MEDS, AND THEN IT...

AND THEN IT WEARS OFF.

THAT'S THE TROUBLE
WITH MEDICATION.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD JUST ST...

I SHOULD TAKE MORE. I
SHOULD TAKE A HIGHER DOSE.

YES, OF COURSE.
IT'S... I JUST...

IT'S VERY... NOT PRECISE,
THIS PILL-POPPING BUSINESS.

YOU KNOW?

ARE YOU JUDGING ME?

I MEAN, I WOULD UNDERSTAND
IF YOU WERE, BUT...

NO, I JUST...

YOU'RE A GOOD FRIEND,
YOU'RE A GOOD FRIEND.

GOOD FRIEND.

FUCK!

KIT, CAN YOU HELP ME WITH
THIS TABLE BEFORE YOU GO?

SHE'S GOING TO BE
HERE IN TWO SECONDS.

JESUS, WHAT IS THEIR
FUCKING PROBLEM?

HERE WE ARE. OKAY.

THAT'S THE SOCIAL WORKER.

SHE NEEDS HELP GETTING
UP THE PORCH STEPS.

HERE YOU GO.

HERE WE GO, ANGELICA.

HERE, BOO-BOO.

COME ON, LET'S GO
MEET THE SOCIAL WORKER.

HI.

YOU MADE IT.

HELLO, MS. COLLIE.

I'M BETTE PORTER.

IT'S REALLY NICE TO MEET YOU.

THIS IS MY PARTNER,
TINA KENNARD,

AND THIS MY SISTER,

KIT PORTER.

AND THIS

IS ANGELICA.

YOU MIGHT WANT TO
PUT THAT BABY DOWN

AND HELP ME UP THESE STEPS.

WELL, WE DON'T
REALLY PUT HER DOWN,

BUT I THINK WE'LL BE OKAY.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
YOU DON'T PUT HER DOWN?

WELL, WE'RE...

WE'RE PRACTICING
ATTACHMENT PARENTING.

WELL, I SAY

ANYTHING THAT CAN BE
ATTACHED CAN BE DETACHED.

SO WHY DON'T YOU
DETACH THE BABY,

PUT HER IN HER CRIB
FOR A FEW MINUTES

SO YOU DON'T DROP ME.

I THINK TINA AND I CAN
MANAGE THIS, OKAY?

ANYWAY, WE DON'T HAVE A CRIB.

WE BOUGHT ONE,

BUT IT BECAME APPARENT

THAT WE WEREN'T GOING TO USE IT,

SO WE DONATED IT
TO A FAMILY IN EAST L.A.

THAT'S WHERE I WORK.

YOU HAVE A SIX-MONTH-OLD BABY,

AND YOU DON'T HAVE A CRIB?

OKAY, GOOD LUCK, MOMMIES.

CUNT...

CUNT!

HEY... DANA?

DANA!

FUCK YOU!

FUCK YOU!

GOING TO GET AWAY? THINK
YOU'RE GOING TO GET AWAY?

OH, FUCK YOU!

DANA!

ARE YOU INSANE?

AM I INSANE?

YOU'RE THE ONE WHO
DID THIS, DANA, OKAY?

JUST STOP IT, AL...

YOU DID THIS!

JUST STOP IT!

I DIDN'T LEAVE YOU, OKAY?

GOD!

ALICE!

HOLD IT, DANA, I'M
GETTING ANOTHER CALL.

HOLD ON, OKAY?

HELLO?

ALICE?

IT'S HELENA.

LOOK, I WANTED YOU TO
BE THE FIRST TO KNOW...

HELENA...

CAN YOU JUST HOLD ON?

I'M JUST... DANA'S TRYING TO
GET AWAY FROM ME. HOLD ON.

DANA'S WHAT?

I JUST... SHE'S TRYING... FUCK.

FUCK...

HEY, I'M BACK.

I'M BUYING A MOVIE
STUDIO, ALICE.

THAT'S GREAT, HELENA.
THAT'S SO GOOD.

I CAN'T REALLY TALK
RIGHT NOW, THOUGH.

NO, NO, NO.

I NEED TO ASK YOU
ONE QUICK QUESTION.

DANA, FUCK!

WONDERING WHAT YOUR
NATURAL HAIR COLOR IS.

OH, UM...

I GUESS IF I GO BACK
TO CHILDHOOD, IT'S...

YOU KNOW, I WOULD
CONSIDER MYSELF A BLONDE,

UM...

IT KIND OF DEPENDS

ON WHAT ANGLE YOU LOOK AT ME.

I MEAN, IT'S KIND OF UP
FOR INTERPRETATION.

IF YOU LOOK AT ME
FROM ONE ANGLE,

IT COULD BE A... A...

YOU KNOW, A
LIGHTISH DIRTY BLONDE,

OR, YOU KNOW FROM ANOTHER ANGLE,

IT COULD BE SORT OF A... A...

VERY PALE BRUNETTE.

OH, GODDAMMIT, I LOST HER.

HOLD ON A SEC, OKAY?

ALICE!

HEY, DANE.

DANE, UM, ARE YOU PLANNING
ON GOING STRAIGHT DOWN SUNSET,

OR DO YOU THINK

THAT MAYBE YOU MIGHT TURN OFF?

DANA?

DANA?

YOU HAVEN'T EXACTLY
BABY-PROOFED, HAVE YOU?

WELL, I DON'T BELIEVE IN
BABY-PROOFING, PER SE.

I MEAN, FIRST OF ALL, IT'S UGLY.

AND I REALLY WANT ANGELICA

TO DEVELOP AN INTRINSIC
SENSE OF BEAUTY.

MM-HMM.

WELL, I CAN TELL THAT'S
IMPORTANT TO YOU, BETTE.

PRESUMABLY, IT'S WHY I
DON'T SEE AN ABUNDANCE

OF BRIGHTLY COLORED,

STIMULATING
INTERACTIVE PLASTIC TOYS

STREWN AROUND THE HOME.

EXACTLY.

AND FROM THE POINT
OF VIEW OF SAFETY?

WELL, MS. COLLIE,
I TRULY BELIEVE...

CALL ME ROBERTA.

ROBERTA...

I BELIEVE THAT
CHILDREN CAN LEARN

WHAT'S SAFE AND WHAT'S NOT SAFE

THROUGH TACTILE ENCOUNTERS.

I MEAN, AT THIS AGE,

SHE CAN'T REALLY GRASP CONCEPTS.

SHE CAN ONLY HAVE EXPERIENCES.

SO YOU'RE PLANNING TO LET
HER PUT HER HAND IN THE FIRE?

METAPHORICALLY.

I'LL GIVE YOU A METAPHOR, BETTE.

GO AHEAD AND THROW
YOURSELF OFF THE 405 OVERPASS.

IT'LL HURT LIKE HELL,

AND DAMN STRAIGHT
YOU WON'T DO IT AGAIN,

BECAUSE YOU'LL BE DEAD.

IT'S NOT LIKE WE'RE
TOTALLY OPPOSED

TO BABY-PROOFING.

I MEAN, SHE'S NOT
EVEN CRAWLING YET.

I KNOW, SHE'S NOT EVEN CRAWLING.

I'VE BEEN RESEARCHING
POOL COVERS AND FENCES.

THE FENCES ARE REALLY UGLY.

BETTE HATES THEM A LOT.

MOM?

HELLO, DARLING.

NOW, WE'VE REALLY
GOT TO HURRY HERE.

WE'VE GOT ONE
HOUR UNTIL SUNDOWN.

SO...

HERE, CAN YOU TAKE THAT END

AND PUT THAT UP THERE?

AND THEN I'M GOING TO GET YOU

TO GET THE CHINA DOWN.

YOUR FATHER WANTS
EVERYONE TO GO TO SHUL.

HE SAYS THIS IS YOUR LAST DINNER

HERE IN SKOKIE.

I HAD MY LAST THERAPY
SESSION WITH DR. PERETZ TODAY.

HMM.

DO... DO YOU KNOW

YOUR FATHER'S INVITED
THE CRANES FOR DINNER?

MARSHALL'S BACK FROM MIT.

HE'S GOING TO BE AT SHUL.

YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD
BE REALLY AWESOME?

IF YOU COULD PLEASE
ASK MY STEPFATHER

TO STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS,

ESPECIALLY MARSHALL CRANE.

AND WHAT'S WRONG WITH MARSHALL?

HE'S A MATHEMATICAL GENIUS.

NOTHING,

EXCEPT FOR THE FACT
THAT HE'S A MAN, AND I...

DON'T START, JENNY.

WE ALL KNOW YOU WERE SICK.

THAT'S NOT PART OF MY SICKNESS.

OH, AND IS THAT WHAT
DR. PERETZ HAS BEEN TELLING YOU?

DR. PERETZ DOESN'T
HAVE A PROBLEM

WITH MY SEXUAL ORIENTATION, MOM.

WELL, THEN, I HAVE TO TELL YOU

THAT I THINK DR. PERETZ
IS AS SICK AS YOU ARE.

HERE WE ARE.

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THIS.

WHY? WHAT'S WRONG?

IT'S TOO SOON.

NO, I'M TELLING YOU.

YOU'RE GOING TO BE FINE, OKAY?

JUST...

THEY DON'T THINK
LIKE THAT, ALL RIGHT?

SO ALL YOU HAVE TO
DO IS BE YOURSELF.

THEY ARE GOING TO
FUCKING LOVE YOU.

COME ON.

THIS OKAY?

YEAH.

YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL.

OKAY...

THE SHOW DEBUTS NEXT
MONTH AT THE SLATE MUSEUM.

IT'S CALLED THE ART OF DISSENT.

I SEE,

AND DOES A PERSON
ACTUALLY GET PAID

FOR SOMETHING LIKE THAT?

OH, WELL, IT'S NOT
A FULL-TIME JOB.

I'M JUST DOING IT AS
A PASSION PROJECT

WHILE I'M LOOKING FOR A
MORE PERMANENT POSITION.

SO YOU'RE UNEMPLOYED?

JUST FOR THE LAST SIX MONTHS.

I'VE BEEN OFFERED
SEVERAL POSITIONS,

JUST NONE THAT I... THAT I
PASSIONATELY WANT TO DO.

IS THAT ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY?

WHAT? I'M SORRY.

THE INFANT!

THE SPOON, THE
BANGING AND CLANGING.

CAN YOU NOT JUST PUT IT AWAY

FOR 15 MINUTES?

OH. POTS AND PANS AWAY.

I MEANT THE BABY.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST
NURSE HER FOR A WHILE?

OKAY, LET ME JUST REVIEW.

NO BABY-PROOFING,

PASSIONATELY UNEMPLOYED,

HARBORS SEXUALLY EXPLICIT,

ANTI-PATRIOTIC PROPAGANDA

MASQUERADING AS ART.

WHAT ABOUT MEN?

MEN?

YOU DO KNOW THAT
WE'RE LESBIANS, RIGHT?

YES, THAT MATTER WAS
FAIRLY EXPLICITLY TOUTED

ON YOUR PETITION TO THE STATE,

WHICH IS ALL THE MORE REASON

WHY I FIND THE MAN
QUESTION CRITICAL.

HOW IS ANGELICA GOING
TO KNOW WHAT A MAN IS?

ALL SHE HAS TO DO IS
TURN ON THE TELEVISION.

THEY'RE EVERYWHERE.

OUR CHILD'S GOING TO BE AROUND

A LOT OF MEN.

BUT WILL THERE BE
A SIGNIFICANT MAN?

I MEAN, IS SHE GOING TO
KNOW ONE SPECIAL MAN'S VOICE?

I MEAN, HOW IS SHE GOING TO KNOW

WHAT A MAN FEELS LIKE,

WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE?

WILL SHE EVER...

RUB HER CHEEK UP AGAINST
A SCRATCHY, UNSHAVEN FACE?

PLAY WITH THE LITTLE
CURLY HAIRS ON HIS CHEST

OR HIS BACK...

WHOA...

WHERE THE FUCK

DID THAT COME FROM?

SHIT, MOTHERFUCKER!

GODDAMMIT! JESUS CHRIST!

GREAT.

WELL, JESUS FUCK!

WHAT HAPPENED?

WELL, I'M COMING
IN YOUR DRIVEWAY,

AND THIS BIG FUCKING,

RIDICULOUS THING'S IN THE WAY.

RIDICULOUS HOW?

IS THAT YOUR CAR?

BECAUSE YOU COULD MAYBE

HAVE MOVED IT UP A LITTLE.

THERE'S, LIKE, 10
FEET IN FRONT OF YOU.

DO YOU KNOW THIS PERSON?

ANYWAY, I'M SORRY
I TAPPED YOUR CAR.

TAPPED?

I THINK IT'S THESE DRUGS I'M ON,

AND I JUST GOT IN A CAR CHASE...

YOU GOT IN A CAR
CHASE WITH DANA?

YEAH, I KIND OF RAN
HER OFF THE ROAD.

WHAT?

ANYWAY, LOOK,
LADY, I DON'T KNOW.

I MEAN, YOUR CAR IS FINE.

IT'S LIKE MINE GOT
THE WORST OF IT.

IF YOU COULD LOOK...

YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE,

IT WOULD HAVE BEEN
A LOT LESS DAMAGE

IF YOU DROVE A NORMAL CAR.

NORMAL?

SHE DIDN'T MEAN IT THAT WAY.
THAT'S NOT WHAT SHE MEANT.

LET'S JUST HOPE

SHE DOESN'T HAVE A LOT
OF CONTACT WITH THE CHILD.

I'LL BE GOING NOW.

UH, I HAPPEN TO BE
THE EARTH MOTHER.

I WOULD HAVE BEEN THE GODMOTHER,

BUT I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD.

OF COURSE YOU DON'T.

IT WAS MAMA B'S IDEA.

OF COURSE IT WAS.

IN 10 DAYS.K YOU'RE COMING BACK?

WE DO TWO HOME VISITS PER CASE,

SO YOU'LL GET A SECOND CHANCE...

THOUGH FIRST IMPRESSIONS
ARE HARD TO OVERCOME.

HELP, PLEASE.

AND MOVE CAR!

OH, SHE'S REALLY TOO MUCH.

HELP, PLEASE!

TODAY!

COME ON, EAT MORE.
YOU'RE SO SKINNY.

SHE'S SO SKINNY.
DON'T YOU FEED HER?

NO, MOMMY, I DO NOT FEED HER.

SHE FEEDS HERSELF.

SUCH A PRETTY GIRL, TOO.

DON'T YOU THINK SHE'S PRETTY?

YES, MOM, SHE'S VERY PRETTY.

THANK YOU.

JANE, CARMEN SAYS THAT
YOU'RE A HAIRDRESSER.

I AM.

WHO DOES YOUR HAIR?

OH, I DO.

IT'S THE LOOK, MAMA.

YEAH, IT'S THE BOMB.

DO YOU KNOW COUSIN EVI?

NO, I DON'T BELIEVE I DO.

MOM, THIS IS THE FIRST TIME

SHE'S MET ANYONE IN OUR FAMILY.

EVI'S AN ASSISTANT HAIRDRESSER.

SHE WORKS DOWNTOWN
AT JOSE'S HAIR EXPERIENCE.

WELL, THAT'S VERY COOL.

YOUR FAMILY, JANE,

THEY LIVE IN LOS ANGELES?

YOU SEE THEM ALL THE TIME?

MOMMY, PLEASE.

PLEASE, MOM, COME ON.

ACTUALLY I'M FROM AUSTIN,

AND I THINK MY FAMILY
ARE STILL THERE.

YOU THINK?

YOU DON'T KNOW
WHERE YOUR FAMILY IS?

I JUST HAVEN'T SEEN
THEM IN A WHILE.

CARMEN...

I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

HER FAMILY...

OH, WELL, UM,

SHE GREW UP IN FOSTER CARE.

SO SHE HASN'T MET HER FATHER,

AND SHE NEVER REALLY
KNEW HER MOTHER EITHER.

SO...

WE'RE YOUR FAMILY NOW, OKAY?

OH...

THANK YOU.

GRACIAS. THANK YOU.

HOW YOU DOING?

HI.

HOW ARE YOU?

I'M ALL RIGHT.

YEAH?

HOW'S THE BOOK GOING?

I... I DON'T KNOW.

I THINK IT'S OKAY.

I THINK IT'S GOOD. I
THINK I'M ALMOST DONE,

WHICH MEANS THAT
I'M GETTING READY

TO BLOW OUT OF THIS TOWN.

I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT IT.

WHAT?

I WANT TO GO FOR IT.

FUCK OFF.

YOU WANT TO COME
TO L.A. WITH ME?

YEAH.

WHOO!

I'M EXCITED.

MOM?

WHAT ARE WE DOING IN HERE?

MARISELA'S
QUINCEANERA, NEXT FRIDAY.

JANE HAS TO COME.

MOTHER, NO, PLEASE.

WHA... WHAT'S A QUINCEARA?

A QUINCEANERA.

IT'S LIKE A SWEET 15.

AND I HAVE SOMETHING FOR YOU.

IT'S THIS RELIGIOUS CEREMONY.

IT TAKES PLACE IN A CHURCH,

AND IT'S A HUGE PARTY

WITH GOWNS AND A
TIARA AND BOUQUETS

AND THE WHOLE THING.

BELIEVE OR NOT.

SHE SAYS SHE USED TO
BE SKINNY JUST LIKE YOU.

I DON'T REMEMBER THAT.

AH...

HOW PRETTY.

OH, THAT'S BEAUTIFUL.

EH, NO...

YOU KNOW, I THINK

THAT IT WOULD LOOK A
LOT BETTER ON CARMEN.

OH, NO! OH, NO!

CARMEN'S LIKE THIS,
YOU'RE LIKE THAT.

WELL, MAYBE NOT SO SKINNY.

YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND, JANE?

NOT YET.

OH, YOU WILL.

PUT IT ON.

I'LL GO GET MY SEWING KIT.

MY MOTHER LOVES YOU.

YEAH, I KNOW SHE DOES.

I LOVE HER... OH, MY GOSH.

BUT PLEASE DON'T
MAKE ME DO THIS.

OH, PLEASE, YOU
HAVE TO PUT IT ON.

OH, BABE...

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

SHE'S GOING TO COME IN.

OKAY...

DON'T, DON'T, DON'T.

IT'S OKAY.

BUT YOU FEEL SO GOOD.

OKAY...

OH, CARMEN, DON'T
MAKE ME DO THIS.

HANDS IN. IT'S OKAY.

PLEASE, FOR ME. COME ON.

OKAY...

OH, MY GOODNESS.

OH!

THAT IS SO PRETTY!

OH!

OH...

OH, LOOK AT THAT.

OH...

THIS IS SO GENEROUS OF YOU.

I... I KIND OF FEEL BAD...
TAKING IT AWAY FROM YOU.

DON'T BE RIDICULOUS.

YOU ARE FAMILIA NOW, REMEMBER?

AH, THERE.

SI.

HUH?

AH...

IT'S SOMETHING ELSE.

THANK YOU.

POOR BABY...

THIS IS GOING TO
MAKE YOU ALL BETTER.

THANK YOU.

GOOD?

WHAT IS THAT?

DOUBLE LEMON SUGAR COOKIES

WITH LAVENDER AND
ROSEMARY INFUSION.

I'M TRYING THEM OUT ON YOU.

THANK YOU.

MM...

GOOD?

YES.

WHAT?

I WANT TO WAIT UNTIL
MY PARENTS ARE ASLEEP

WHEN I GET MY STUFF,

BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO
START A THING WITH THEM TONIGHT.

YOU GOING TO BE LIKE
A TEENAGE RUNAWAY?

YES, I AM,

BECAUSE MY MOM STILL PUTS ME

IN THAT PLACE, YOU KNOW?

I DON'T THINK IT'S
GOING TO TAKE ME

MORE THAN, I DON'T
KNOW, 20 MINUTES TO PACK,

BECAUSE I DIDN'T
BRING A LOT OF STUFF,

BECAUSE I DIDN'T THINK
I'D BE HERE IN SKOKIE

FOR SIX MONTHS.

YEAH...

THEN WE COULD SWING BY MY PLACE.

I'M UP IN WILMETTE.

REALLY?

ARE WE REALLY GOING TO DO THIS?

YEAH, I'VE BEEN
PLANNING ON GOING TO L.A.

FROM THE TIME I
GOT OUT OF COLLEGE.

THAT'S, LIKE, TWO YEARS NOW.

FUCK...

WHERE DID YOU GO TO COLLEGE?

UM, HARPER COLLEGE TECH.

WHAT DID YOU STUDY?

I DID WEBSITE DESIGN
AND PROGRAMMING,

NETWORK ADMINISTRATION,
WIRELESS NETWORKING,

UH, WEB OPTIMIZATION...

ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT

HAVING SEX WITH ME RIGHT NOW?

IT'S CROSSED MY MIND.

WHO DID THAT TO YOU?

I DID IT TO MYSELF.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

YOU HAVE A LUMP.

HUH? RIGHT THERE.

OH, I KNOW. IT'S
BEEN THERE FOREVER.

IT'S NOTHING. DANA...

WHAT?

WELL, YOU SHOULD
GET IT CHECKED OUT.

I'VE HAD IT CHECKED OUT.

OH, YOU HAVE?

YES, THEY'RE VERY SEXY,
SINEWY, FIBROUS BREASTS.

NOW, KISS ME.

JEN?

GET UP!

WHAT THE HELL DO YOU
THINK YOU'RE DOING?

HOW DARE YOU TREAT US THIS WAY

AFTER WE OPENED OUR HOME TO YOU.

HOW DARE YOU BRING A
MAN BACK INTO THIS HOUSE.

I WOULD NEVER DO THAT, WARREN.

I WANT YOU MEET MOIRA.

SHE LIVES OVER IN WILMETTE.

NICE TO MEET YOU.

S-SORRY.

GET OUT OF HERE.

THAT'S WHAT I'M DOING, WARREN.

JUST GIVE ME A
COUPLE OF MINUTES.

NOW.

I WANT YOU OUT NOW.

ACTUALLY...

YOU'VE WANTED ME
OUT OF THIS HOUSE

FROM THE MOMENT
I SET FOOT IN HERE.

WHAT IS IT, WARREN?

AM I TOO FUCKED UP FOR YOU?

AM I TOO PERVERTED?

LOOK AT ME.

DO I REMIND YOU

OF HOW MESSY

AND OUT OF CONTROL

YOUR LIFE IS?

WARREN...

I'M JUST...

NOT THE GIRL YOU
WANTED ME TO BE...

JENNIFER, STOP.

NO, YOU STOP.

WHEN ARE YOU
GOING TO START BEING

AN ACTUAL PERSON

AND NOT THIS SILENT SLAVE

TO THIS MAN?

DON'T YOU DARE
DISRESPECT YOUR MOTHER.

THAT'S A PRIVILEGE
THAT'S RESERVED FOR YOU.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT
MORE WE CAN DO.

NOTHING.

THERE IS NOTHING
MORE YOU CAN DO FOR ME

TO MAKE ME THE PERSON THAT
YOU ARE COMFORTABLE WITH,

BECAUSE I'M NOT GOING TO
MARRY THAT NICE JEWISH BOY.

I'M NOT GOING TO HAVE
THOSE NICE JEWISH KIDS.

I'M NOT GOING TO SHUT UP

AND BE SUBSERVIENT.

I'M NOT GOING TO
SET THE DINNER TABLE

AND PRETEND THAT BAD
THINGS DON'T HAPPEN.

BECAUSE WHEN YOU
DON'T TALK ABOUT THEM...

THEY GET WORSE, WARREN.

LET'S GO.

JENNIFER?

CAN YOU HANG ON A SEC?

HEY.

JENNIFER, I DON'T...

I DON'T UNDERSTAND HERE.

ARE YOU TRYING TO PUNISH ME?

NO...

I'M GRATEFUL TO YOU.

YOU DID A GOOD JOB WITH ME,

AND I'M NOT TRYING
TO PUNISH YOU.

IS THIS BECAUSE OF WHAT HAPPENED

WHEN YOU WERE A LITTLE GIRL?

IS THAT WHY YOU
TURNED OUT THIS WAY?

WHY DIDN'T YOU PROTECT ME?

OH...

THERE...

THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD DO

TO CHANGE WHAT HAPPENED.

I KNOW...

MOM, YOU COULD
HAVE COMFORTED ME.

YOU COULD HAVE TOLD ME
THAT IT WASN'T MY FAULT.

OH, I'M SO SORRY.

I'M SORRY.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU FOR WHAT?

BECAUSE...

IT'S THE FIRST TIME THAT
YOU'VE EVER ACKNOWLEDGED

WHAT HAPPENED TO ME.

I HAVE TO GO.

BYE.

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?

HAVE YOU NOTICED ANY
CHANGES IN YOUR HAIR OR SKIN?

OH, MY SKIN, DEFINITELY.

IT'S BLOTCHY.

IT USED TO BE LIKE SILK.

AND YOU ALREADY SAID

THAT YOU'VE BEEN
EXPERIENCING MOOD SWINGS,

LOSS OF ENERGY.

OH, DAVID, DO NOT
FUCKING PROTECT ME.

PLEASE TELL ME WHAT IT IS.

YOU KNOW, I'D RATHER
KNOW WHAT IT IS.

I WANT TO KNOW SO
I CAN DEAL WITH IT.

MOM, I JUST NEED TO ASK
YOU A FEW MORE QUESTIONS.

NOW, ARE YOU HAVING
ANY MEMORY PROBLEMS?

EXCUSE ME, I'M SORRY, I
FORGOT THE QUESTION.

LOOK, WHAT ABOUT, UH...

YOU KNOW, VAGINAL DRYNESS?

WHAT?

I'M SORRY, MOM,

BUT IT'S IMPORTANT THAT I
ASCERTAIN THESE THINGS.

NO, NO, NO, WE DO NOT GO THERE.

I AM YOUR MOTHER,

AND YOU ARE MY SON,

AND MY PUNAANY, DRY OR NOT DRY,

IS SOMETHING WE DO NOT DISCUSS.

I HAVE A FRIEND IN ENGLAND,

AND HER DAUGHTER
CALLS IT "FRONT BOTTOM."

FRONT BOTTOM?

HMM, THAT'S TWISTED.

I HAD A GIRLFRIEND ONCE...

YES, REMEMBER WHEN
I HAD A GIRLFRIEND...

NO, BUT SHE CALLED IT
HER PRETTY PINK PEARL,

P.P.P.

NOT TO BE CONFUSED
WITH HER PEE PEE.

YOU KNOW WHAT'S REALLY LOVELY?

YONI.

EW! OH, GOD...

IT'S SANSKRIT.

NO, NO, I LIKE, LIKE, A
NON-SANSKRIT TRASHY THING,

LIKE, TONGUE TRAP.

YEAH.

OR A, UH, BALD MAN IN A BOAT.

BREAKFAST OF CHAMPIONS.

THAT'S GOOD.

MUNCHBOX.

WEE WEE.

HA-HA. HOO-HOO.

MIMI.

FUCK HOLE.

WHAT ELSE?

CALCUNTA.

HEY, KIT...

WHAT'S WRONG?

WHAT'S GOING ON?

I JUST FOUND OUT
I'VE GOT MENOPAUSE.

OH, KIT...

AW...

OOH...

OH, IT'S OKAY.

NO MORE PERIODS.

YEAH, YOU DON'T HAVE TO

TAKE CARRIE TO THE PROM ANYMORE.

NO MORE MOOD SWINGS...

EVENTUALLY.

NO MORE TAMPONS OR PADS.

NO MORE MIDOL OR
EXCEDRIN, OR TYLENOL

OR ANY OF THAT STUFF.

YEAH, BUT ONCE THE
MONKEY GOES SOUTH,

THAT'S THE END OF IT.

NO, KIT, THAT'S NOT TRUE.

THERE ARE A LOT OF
MENOPAUSAL WOMEN

WHO ARE VERY SEXUALLY ACTIVE.

YEAH, IT'S TRUE. YOU
CAN STILL GET IT ON.

YOU ARE STILL GOING TO BE

DOING THE HANKY PANKY TILL
THE COWS COME HOME, OKAY?

SO GET YOURSELF A LITTLE...

HOT BEEF INJECTION
TONIGHT AND FEEL BETTER.

YOU COULD DIP THE CHIP.

BANG THE BOX. SWEEP
OUT YOUR CHIMNEY.

AH, YOU COULD
STRETCH THAT LEATHER.

BUMP THE UGLIES.

DIP AND DIVE.

YOU CAN SHAKE THE SHEETS.

OH, CRACK THE NUT.

GIVE SOME SKANK ON THE HANG-LOW.

OH!

RIDE THE BALONEY PONY.

GIVE THAT DOG A BONE.

THERE YOU GO, KIT, YEAH.

SHUCK THE OYSTER, BABY.

OKAY, UM, PUT SOME
BEEF IN YO' TACO!

RIDE THAT BEEF BUS TO TUNA TOWN.

THAT WAS SO SEXY. I'M
SO GLAD YOU SAID THAT.

THE LIPS BETWEEN THE HIPS.

FURRY MONKEY.

SMURF CREASE.

BEARDED OYSTER.

BIKINI BISCUIT.

COOTER.

AND, UH, CHERRY PIE.

CAT FLAPS.

WHAT ABOUT CHA-CHA?

HAIRY GOBLET. MM.

THE GRAND CANYON.

OH, HERE'S ANOTHER
ONE. FISH TACO.

OH, I GOT A GOOD ONE...
CREAM COLLECTOR.

GOODIE BAG.

HOW ABOUT THIS ONE?
BOX OF ASSORTED CREAMS.

UH, HONEY PIE.

DUGOUT.

LOVE MITTEN?

MERMAID'S PURSE.

SKEEKY. SKEEZY.

I GOT ONE, I GOT ONE...

PINK VELVET SAUSAGE WALLET.

THAT'S ATTRACTIVE.

NONNY.

HAM WALLET.

COOCHIE.

SWEET SPOT.

OKAY, I'VE GOT ANOTHER ONE.

THE POWER SLOT.

FU-FU VALVE.

I KNOW, FU-FU VALVE. WHO
WOULD SAY "FU-FU VALVE"?

PORK SHUTTERS.

BERMUDA TRIANGLE.

GRAB HOLE.

SQUEEGEE?

VERTICAL SMILE.

VESSEL TUBE.

MONKEY'S CHIN.

CHEWBACCA.

WHAT ABOUT PANTY HAMSTER?

ROAST BEEF SANDWICH.

UH, CAMEL TOE... OH,
THAT'S SO GENERIC.