The L Word (2004–2009): Season 1, Episode 2 - Let's Do It - full transcript
Bette and Tina wait eagerly to see if Tina will get pregnant via artificial insemination. Dana becomes interested in a woman, named Lara Perkins, who works as the chef at the tennis club she is practicing at. Unable to know if Lara is gay or straight, all of Dana's friend go to the club's restaurant to try out a series of amusing 'tests' to see if Lara 'is or isn't'. Meanwhile, Tim, unaware of her encounter with Jenny, invites Marina to a dinner party at his house which stirs up tension between both women. Bette notices the air of tension and in an angry tone, tells Marina to stay away from Jenny. Kit tries to make amends meet to Bette. While doing research at a women's clinic for a news story, Alice meets a former flame, named Gabby, and considers rekindling the flame despite protests from her friends about the way Gabby treated her in the past. Also, Shane continues to be harassed by Lacey who tries to destroy Shane's reputation.
THEY'RE RANDOM
ACTS OF SEX, OKAY?
THEY'RE ENCOUNTERS, ROMANCES,
ONE-NIGHT STANDS,
20-YEAR MARRIAGES...
ANY TIME YOU GET A GROUP
OF GAY GIRLS TOGETHER,
YOU ARE GUARANTEED SOMEONE'S
SLEPT WITH SOMEONE ELSE
WHO HAS SLEPT WITH SOMEONE ELSE
WHO'S SLEPT WITH
SOMEONE ELSE IN THAT ROOM.
NAME ANY LESBIAN YOU KNOW.
I CAN LINK HER TO
ME IN SIX MOVES.
CHRISTINE LEE.
CHRISTINE LEE. EASY.
ALL RIGHT, LET ME
THINK ABOUT THIS.
OKAY, SHE WAS WITH
GRACE PARTRIDGE
A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO.
GRACE HAD A ONE-NIGHT
THING WITH ANYA,
THEN ANYA DATED DENISE,
WHO LIVED WITH
KATHERINE CLAYMORE,
WHO WAS MY FIRST
GIRLFRIEND OUT OF COLLEGE.
IT'S AMAZING, RIGHT?
ALL RIGHT, MARC, IT'S
NOT JUST ABOUT LESBIANS.
I COULD PUT YOU ON THIS THING,
AND PROBABLY, LIKE,
SIX CONNECTIONS, EASY.
I MEAN, ONE, IF YOU
SLEPT WITH ANYA...
SO?
SO?
SO THE POINT IS WE'RE
ALL CONNECTED, SEE?
THROUGH LOVE,
THROUGH LONELINESS,
THROUGH ONE TINY,
LAMENTABLE LAPSE
IN JUDGMENT.
ALL OF US, IN OUR ISOLATION, WE
REACH OUT FROM THE DARKNESS,
FROM THE ALIENATION
OF MODERN LIFE,
TO FORM THESE CONNECTIONS.
I THINK IT'S A REALLY
PROFOUND STATEMENT
ABOUT THE NATURE
OF HUMAN EXISTENCE.
ALL RIGHT, I COULD JUST DO A
PIECE ON VAGINAL REJUVENATION.
NOW, THAT, I LIKE.
LET'S DO IT.
GUESS WHAT?
I'M ALL NICE AND CLEAN,
AND YOU'RE GOING TO GET
ME SWEATY AND STINKY?
NOT NOW, BUT LATER FOR SURE.
WHEN WE DO AN INSEMINATION.
YOU AND ME, TONIGHT,
HERE AT HOME,
SEXY AND IN LOVE,
WITH NO DOCTORS,
NO FLUORESCENT
LIGHTS, NO PAPER GOWNS.
DO YOU WANT TO?
YEAH, I WANT TO, BUT
LAST TIME I CHECKED,
YOU REALLY NEEDED SPERM
TO MAKE IT WORTHWHILE.
I'M GOING TO THE CRYOBANK
THIS AFTERNOON.
FOR MARCUS'S SPERM?
YES.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT
I WAS THINKING.
THERE'S NO REASON ON EARTH
THAT I WOULDN'T WANT
TO MAKE A BABY WITH YOU
USING A DONOR WHO'S BLACK.
I... I THINK...
I THINK I WAS REALLY SCARED...
DON'T THINK,
BECAUSE I WOULD LOVE
TO MAKE A BABY WITH YOU...
TONIGHT...
IN OUR HOME... IN OUR BED.
JUST YOU AND ME.
TIM, CAN I TALK TO YOU?
RIGHT NOW, BABE?
I'VE REALLY GOT TO GET GOING.
THE GIRLS ARE
ALREADY IN THE WATER.
GOD, YOU SHOULD HAVE
SEEN TRISH YESTERDAY.
SHE WAS ON FIRE, AND MARY...
IF I COULD JUST KEEP
THEM RIGHT IN THAT ZONE,
WE'RE ABSOLUTELY GOING
TO REAM SC ON SATURDAY.
GO, TEAM.
YOU BET YOUR SWEET ASS.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!
HOLD ON, HOLD ON!
WHEN AM I GOING
TO SEE YOU AGAIN?
UM, I'LL BE AT MILK ON THURSDAY.
OKAY, I'LL SEE YOU THERE.
GO LIKE THAT.
YOU JUST HAD SOMETHING...
YEAH, THANKS.
I'LL SEE YOU LATER.
OKAY. BYE.
BYE, BABY.
[DIALS CELLPHONE]
HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
YEAH, LET'S GET TOGETHER.
ALL RIGHT...
SEE YOU SOON.
YEAH, GOOD.
HIGHER, HIGHER, HIGHER, HIGHER.
NO, I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU.
OKAY, HOW MUCH TIME TO I HAVE?
WELL, I GUESS IT'LL
BE, LIKE, 10 MINUTES.
I'VE GOT TO CALL
YOU BACK. OKAY, BYE.
HOW ABOUT WE TAKE A BREAK,
YOU GET A LIGHT SNACK,
AND WHEN YOU COME BACK,
WE CAN WORK ON
THAT SLICE OF YOURS,
ALL RIGHT?
OKAY...
WHAT, LIKE, 45 MINUTES? WHAT?
45 MINUTES, GREAT. OKAY?
45 MINUTES. YEAH.
IT'S GOOD.
OKAY.
REVIVA. WHO IS IT?
UH, YEAH, ALICE PETERS.
I HAVE AN APPOINTMENT...
I DON'T UNDERSTAND,
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
I HAVE AN APPOINTMENT.
FOR WHAT? WHAT DO YOU WANT?
I NEED TO GET MY
VAGINA REJUVENATED.
WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST SAY SO?
[DOOR BUZZES]
UM, HI. UH, ALICE PETERS.
I HAVE AN APPOINTMENT...
ALICE?
GABBY...
THE RECOVERY'S
SUPPOSED TO BE HELL.
CAN YOU TELL THE
DOCTOR I'M HERE?
ALICE...
WHAT?
I... I BEHAVED BADLY,
AND I'M SORRY.
I... I... I WAS AN
ASSHOLE. I KNOW THAT.
AND I FREAKED OUT.
IT WAS REALLY INTENSE,
AND... I WASN'T READY FOR IT,
BUT I STILL HAVE
FEELINGS FOR YOU.
I MEAN, I THINK ABOUT
YOU ALL THE TIME.
YOU LOOK GREAT.
LOOK, I AM NOT DOING
THIS AGAIN, GABBY.
PLEASE. LET ME TRY AGAIN.
I MEAN, CAN'T WE
JUST... HAVE LUNCH?
NO.
JUST...
I MEAN, I DON'T... OKAY...
JUST LUNCH.
I'LL PROVE TO YOU HOW
MUCH I'VE CHANGED.
SAY YES, ALICE...
JUST SAY YES.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
HELLO. REVIVA.
LET ME CHECK THE BOOKS.
UM, OKAY, WHAT
ABOUT TUESDAY THE 23rd
AROUND 3:00? 3:00?
YOU'VE GOT A WHOLE HOUR THERE.
OH. OKAY.
UM, I'M AFRAID
THEY'RE NOT UNTIL TWO
WEEKS LATER, ACTUALLY,
ON THE THURSDAY AT 10:00 A.M.
WOULD THAT BE GOOD FOR YOU?
GREAT, GREAT. I'LL PUT YOU IN.
I DIDN'T ORDER THAT.
I KNOW. THEY'RE FROM HER.
LARA PERKINS, OUR SOUS-CHEF.
SOUP CHEF?
YEAH. RIGHT.
HI, JENNY. IT'S MARINA.
I WAS THINKING ABOUT YOU.
[ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS]
IT WASHED UP ON THE
BEACH IN SANTA MONICA...
A SWOLLEN, TANGLED
MASS IN SEAWEED.
A JOGGER STEPPED, HOVERED,
POKED AT IT WITH HER TOE.
SARAH SHUSTER'S
BODY FLOPPED BACK,
HER STILL-LIMPID EYES
STARING UP AT THE SKY...
YOU ARE SO OVER AND A DAY...
BUSTED, BITCH!
LACEY, STOP.
YOU CAN JUST KISS
YOUR LITTLE 4-Fs GOODBYE.
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHAT
ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
THE 4-Fs!
SHE FINDS THEM, FEELS THEM,
FUCKS THEM, AND FORGETS THEM,
BUT I'M GOING TO TELL
THE WHOLE WORLD
WHO YOU ARE.
OKAY?
YOU ARE SO SO FUCKED
FOR KICKING ME OUT!
CALM DOWN.
FIGURE IT OUT SOMEWHERE ELSE.
KEEP IT AWAY FROM MY
FRIENDS AND MY BUSINESS.
YOU'LL SEE, SHANE!
ALL RIGHT, WHAT'S UP
WITH JENNY AND MARINA?
NOTHING, AS FAR AS I KNOW.
WHAT? WHAT'S GOING ON
WITH JENNY AND MARINA?
LOOK, GUYS, IT'S
NONE OF OUR BUSINESS.
JUST LET IT GO.
I THOUGHT JENNY WAS STRAIGHT.
DANA, MOST GIRLS ARE
STRAIGHT... UNTIL THEY'RE NOT,
AND THEN SOMETIMES THEY'RE GAY
TILL THEY'RE NOT.
TRUE, BUT THEN THERE
ARE ALSO THE ONES
THAT NEVER LOOK BACK.
RIGHT?
AND YOU CAN SPOT
THEM COMING A MILE AWAY.
HOW CAN YOU TELL?
YOU READ THE SIGNALS.
THAT'S MY PROBLEM.
DANA, IT'S NOT A PROBLEM.
ALL RIGHT. NO,
SEXUALITY IS FLUID.
WHETHER YOU'RE GAY,
OR YOU'RE STRAIGHT,
OR YOU'RE BISEXUAL, YOU
JUST GO WITH THE FLOW.
NO. NO, NO, THAT IS
MY PROBLEM, OKAY?
I CAN'T FEEL THE FLOW.
THAT THING... WHATEVER IT IS,
I DON'T GOT IT.
YOU DON'T HAVE GAYDAR.
NO.
YOU'RE SO RIGHT.
YOU DON'T HAVE IT.
NO, EVERYONE'S GOT IT.
NO.
YOU JUST HAVE TO TUNE IN. YES.
I'M GOING TO PROVE IT. SEE
THAT GIRL WHO JUST CAME IN?
OKAY.
WHAT IS SHE?
A CUSTOMER?
I DON'T KNOW.
DANA, LOOK AT HER FINGERNAILS,
ARE THEY LONG OR SHORT?
ARE THEY POLISHED OR NATURAL?
THEY'RE LONG AND POLISHED.
SO SHE'S...
LEANING TO STRAIGHT,
BUT YOU NEED MORE INFO.
LOOK AT THE SHOES.
HIGH-HEELED SANDALS.
WITH TAPERED JEANS.
WOULD YOU WEAR HIGH-HEELED
SANDALS WITH TAPERED JEANS?
YES?
NO.
OH, GOD...
LOOK, I'VE ONLY EVER SEEN
HER IN HER CHEF'S UNIFORM.
DANA, I DOUBT THAT
WOMAN'S A CHEF.
NO, SHE'S GOT A
THING FOR A CHEF.
I DO.
DANA, I'M IMPRESSED.
YOU'RE INTO SOMEONE,
AND YOU WANT TO KNOW
WHETHER OR NOT THEY'RE DOWN.
SHE'S DOWN?
WHETHER SHE PLAYS FOR
OUR TEAM, THE GAY TEAM.
WHAT, DON'T THE BISEXUALS
HAVE THEIR OWN TEAM?
ALL RIGHT, I'M GOING TO HELP YOU
EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE
EXTREMELY ANNOYING.
DO YOU KNOW THE
NAME OF THIS GIRL,
FIRST AND LAST?
YES, I DO.
ALL RIGHT, YOU KNOW THE CHART?
YEAH.
OKAY, I PUT IT ON THE INTERNET.
YOU WHAT?
ALL RIGHT, DON'T
FREAK. IT'S REALLY COOL.
THIS THING IS GROWING.
PEOPLE ARE ADDING NAMES,
AND IT'S, LIKE, GROWING
EXPONENTIALLY.
THAT'S GREAT, ALICE, I LOVE
THE SOUND OF THAT ONE.
A COLD, CLAMMY WIND BLEW.
SARAH'S COFFIN WAS LOWERED
INTO THE READY, DAMP EARTH...
I WAS THINKING ABOUT YOU.
[ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS]
HI, JENNY. IT'S MARINA.
I WAS THINKING ABOUT YOU.
I WAS THINKING ABOUT YOU.
END OF FINAL MESSAGE.
PRESS ERASE AGAIN
TO ERASE ALL MESSAGES.
NO MESSAGES.
TO US.
TO OUR FUTURE.
TO MARCUS ALLENWOOD'S
UNBELIEVABLY HIGH SPERM COUNT.
IT'S FASCINATING.
IT'S VERY CLEAR PINK.
SEAN'S WAS KIND OF GREENISH.
AND MORE VISCOUS.
[GROANING]
NO. DON'T BE GROSSED OUT.
WE HAVE TO HONOR IT.
WE HONOR YOU.
WE HONOR YOU...
ALL 75 MILLION OF YOU.
OKAY...
DO WE HAVE EVERYTHING WE NEED?
LET'S SEE...
OKAY.
SYRINGE, DIAPHRAGM...
MAGICAL JUICE.
MAGIC JUICE.
LET'S DO IT.
YEAH, LET'S DO IT.
LOOK AT THAT.
I'M THE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE.
YOU'RE A MAJOR HUB.
I MEAN, THERE'S
ONLY ONE OTHER GIRL.
MARY O'REILLY DATED
THIS LESBIAN PORN STAR...
SHE HAS A CRAZIER
MATRIX THAN YOU.
OH, THERE'S A...
THERE'S A DOTTED LINE.
THERE'S A DOTTED LINE
BETWEEN YOU AND GABBY DEVEAUX.
NO, NO NO, THERE ISN'T.
I RAN INTO HER THE
OTHER DAY, OKAY?
I WAS DOING RESEARCH
ON MY VAGINAL
REJUVENATION STORY.
SHE WAS THE REVIVA RECEPTIONIST,
AND SHE THOUGHT I WAS
THERE FOR THE SURGERY,
AND SHE WAS, LIKE,
"BUT, ALICE, YOUR
PUSSY'S TIGHT," YOU KNOW?
LIKE, WHY ARE YOU HERE?
IT WAS FUNNY.
SHE LOOKED GOOD. IT WAS FUNNY.
DIDN'T SHE TREAT
YOU LIKE SHIT, AL?
WORSE THAN THAT.
AL, I SWEAR I WILL KILL YOU
IF YOU GET BACK
TOGETHER WITH HER.
OKAY!
SHANE, I'M NOT GOING
TO GET BACK TOGETHER
WITH HER, OKAY?
IT'S NOT GOING TO
HAPPEN, ALL RIGHT?
NO, I'M SERIOUS.
ALL RIGHT, WHAT'S THE
NAME OF YOUR LITTLE COOK?
UH, LARA PERKINS.
L-A-R-A. PERKINS.
SHE'S, UH, SHE'S THE SOUP CHEF.
A SOUS-CHEF? LIKE,
AN ASSISTANT CHEF?
OH, YEAH.
SOUS-CHEF.
YEAH, YEAH, NO, THAT'S
TOTALLY WHAT SHE IS.
SOUS-CHEF.
OKAY, I MIGHT AS WELL
START WITH SHANE.
WHY MUST YOU DO THAT?
CHANCES ARE, IF SHE'S
INTO GIRLS, YOU KNOW?
LOOK, DANE,
IT TOTALLY WOULDN'T
HAVE MEANT ANYTHING.
OOH, THAT'S COMFORTING. THANKS.
SHE'S NOT ON IT.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
I DID A WHOLE SEARCH.
WELL, IT MEANS SHE
DIDN'T SLEEP WITH SHANE,
WHICH IS GOOD,
BUT SHE DIDN'T
SLEEP WITH ANYONE.
HOW LONG DO I HAVE
TO STAY THIS WAY?
DO YOU WANT TO TRY PUTTING
THE DIAPHRAGM IN AGAIN?
OOH, GOD, THAT'S DISGUSTING.
WE'VE REALLY GOT TO TELL SONIA
TO CLEAN UNDER THERE.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
DID WE FORGET SOMETHING?
NO...
HI. WERE YOU SLEEPING?
NOT EXACTLY.
WE TRIED TO CALL,
BUT NO ONE ANSWERED.
SO THE LOGICAL CONCLUSION
WAS JUST TO COME OVER?
NO, IT'S AN EMERGENCY.
YOU KNOW, IT STARTED
AS A GAYDAR THING.
SHANE AND I ARE TOTALLY CAPABLE
OF HANDLING THAT,
BUT THIS ONE HAS MAJOR
RELATIONSHIP STUFF.
YEAH, I THINK AT THIS POINT,
SHE NEEDS EXPERT ADVICE.
I'M SO EMBARRASSED,
I'M SORRY.
IT'S OKAY, DANA,
WE WERE FINISHED.
OH, MY GOD.
OH, HEY.
HEY...
WHAT IS THIS?
MARCUS ALLENWOOD.
OH, GOD.
OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
THAT IS DISGUSTING.
OH, MY GOD, GET
IT OFF. GET IT OFF!
YOU WON'T GET PREGNANT
THROUGH YOUR SWEATER.
THANKS. I KNOW. I
GOT IT. I'LL GET IT.
WAIT,
SO WE COULD BE HERE AT
THE MOMENT OF CONCEPTION.
YOU COULD. YES.
WELL, THEN, I'M REALLY SORRY.
WOULD YOU LIKE US TO LEAVE?
THAT WOULD BE TOO LATE.
YEAH, WHY DON'T YOU GUYS JUST
TELL US ABOUT THE EMERGENCY?
THE EMERGENCY IS...
MISS DANA IS HOT FOR
THIS LITTLE NUGGET
AT HER COUNTRY CLUB.
LARA PERKINS.
WE LOOKED HER UP ON
THE CHART, NOT ON IT.
I JUST WANT TO KNOW IF SHE'S...
IF SHE'S GAY?
HAVE YOU LOOKED
AT HER FINGERNAILS?
NOT GOING TO WORK. SHE'S A CHEF.
WHAT KIND OF DRESSER IS SHE?
WELL, SHE WEARS THIS
CUTE LITTLE WHITE UNIFORM,
BUT SOMETIMES SHE
WEARS A STRIPEY APRON.
BUT WHAT ABOUT...
PERSONAL INTERACTION?
I MEAN, IS SHE FLIRTATIOUS?
DOES SHE MAKE A
LOT OF EYE CONTACT?
DOES SHE TOUCH YOUR HAND
WHEN SHE'S TALKING TO YOU?
UM, WELL, I HAVEN'T REALLY
TALKED TO HER UP CLOSE YET.
WHAT DO YOU GUYS,
SHOUT ACROSS THE ROOM?
NO.
LOOK, I JUST WANT TO KNOW.
I JUST... BEFORE I TALK TO HER
AND MAKE AN ASS OF MYSELF,
I JUST WANT TO KNOW
WHETHER OR NOT SHE'S...
DANA, DANA, HONEY,
WE CAN'T POSSIBLY MAKE ANY
KIND OF ACCURATE ANALYSIS
WHEN YOU HAVEN'T EVEN
HAD A CONVERSATION WITH HER.
I MEAN, WE NEED
SOMETHING TO GO ON.
WELL, SHE SENDS ME FOOD.
SHE SENDS ME
VEGETABLES ON SKEWERS
WITH, LIKE, THESE PERFECT
LITTLE GRILL MARKS ON THEM,
AND SOMETIMES, SHE SENDS ME
THESE DIPPING SAUCES
WITH, LIKE, NO FAT,
OR ANYTHING ELSE HEAVY IN THEM
NOT TO MESS UP MY
TRAINING, YOU KNOW.
THESE SKEWERED VEGETABLES,
DID SHE COME UP WITH
THEM ALL ON HER OWN,
OR DID YOU ORDER THEM?
NO, SHE JUST SENDS THEM.
BUT SHE HASN'T SPOKEN TO YOU?
NO.
ASK HER OUT.
NO, NO, NO, DANA CANNOT DO THAT,
AND IT'S TOTALLY UNDERSTANDABLE.
YOU DON'T WANT TO
PUT YOURSELF OUT THERE
TO SOMEONE WHO MAYBE
IS JUST BEING NICE TO YOU
BECAUSE YOU'RE AN
IMPORTANT PERSON
AT THE CLUB.
EXACTLY.
PLEASE, DON'T ENCOURAGE HER.
IT'S OKAY, DANA.
WE ARE GOING TAKE CARE OF THIS.
YOU MEAN...
I MEAN.
WHAT?
WE ARE GOING TO DEPLOY A MISSION
TO ASCERTAIN THE
DISPOSITION AND INTENT
OF ONE MISS LARA PERKINS.
HEY...
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?
WHAT? THERE'S NOTHING IN
HERE I HAVEN'T SEEN BEFORE,
BELIEVE ME.
OH, WHERE'S THE SHORTS?
THE ONES YOU WERE
WEARING YESTERDAY?
THEY'RE IN THE WASH. WHY?
THEY MAKE YOUR ASS LOOK BETTER.
NOT TO WORRY.
SUBARU IS INTERESTED
IN MORE THAN A GOOD ASS.
SUBARU?
YEAH, CAMPAIGN.
THERE'S GOING TO BE A REP
IN THE STANDS TOMORROW,
WATCHING YOU TRAIN.
OH, MY GOD.
OH, MY GOD, OH MY GOD!
OH, JESUS. HONEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?
CAN YOU PUMP UP A LITTLE
BEFORE YOU HIT THE COURT?
YEAH, HA, HA.
I WANT TO SEE VEINS POPPING.
OKAY.
WHO BUSTS HIS BALLS FOR YOU?
YOU DO.
THAT'S RIGHT.
WEAR THE SHORTS.
I'LL WEAR THE SHORTS.
OH, MY GOD.
HEY...
YOU OKAY?
UH... I'M FINE.
I'M FINE.
THAT WAS MY AGENT.
HE JUST TOLD ME SUBARU
MIGHT WANT TO USE ME
FOR AN AD CAMPAIGN.
SO THEY'RE GOING TO
WATCH ME TRAIN TOMORROW.
WHICH IS SO COOL.
YEAH, THAT'S SO EXCITING.
YEAH, YEAH, IT IS.
IT IS, KIND OF.
I MEAN, YOU KNOW, I
CAN'T MESS UP, SO...
I'M SURE YOU WON'T.
UM, YOU CAN TURN AROUND NOW.
MY JACKET'S BACK ON.
MY JOB IS SO MESSY,
I HAVE TO CHANGE,
LIKE, THREE TIMES A DAY.
YEAH?
YOU ALWAYS LOOK
NICE WHEN I SEE YOU.
I MEAN... I MEAN, YOU
NEVER LOOK DIRTY...
WHEN I SEE YOU...
I'VE GOT TO GO.
I... I HAVE TO GO.
LISTEN,
WHY... WHY DON'T
YOU COME BY LATER?
I'LL SEND SOMETHING
DOWN FOR YOU.
OKAY. YEAH.
GREAT.
THANK YOU. BYE.
BYE.
[SNAPS FINGERS]
BAG.
BYE.
BYE.
HEY, AL.
HOW'D IT GO?
[SIGHS]
YOU'RE NOT SERIOUS.
MAYBE IT'S FOR THE BEST.
WHAT IS?
WELL, GABBY DEVEAUX
STOOD ALICE UP.
YEAH.
NEVER MIND.
LET'S GO HELP DANA OUT,
AND THEN WE CAN WORK
OUT YOUR SITUATION.
ALICE, I AM SO SORRY I'M LATE.
YEAH. YEAH, YOU REALLY ARE.
WORKING ON MY SCREENPLAY,
LOST TRACK OF THE TIME.
YOU'RE A WRITER.
YOU KNOW HOW IT IS.
CAN YOU FORGIVE ME?
YEAH, UM...
MY FRIENDS ARE WAITING,
I SHOULD PROBABLY GO.
DO YOU HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING
YOUR FRIENDS WANT YOU TO DO?
ALICE...
WE REALLY GOT TO GO.
OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
OH, YEAH, YOU DO.
COME ON, ALICE,
WE'VE GOT TO GO.
OKAY.
ALL RIGHT, GUYS.
LET'S DO IT.
OKAY.
PRETEND YOU DON'T KNOW US.
DANA, MAY I SIT WITH YOU?
YEAH, SURE.
SO WHICH ONE IS SHE?
WOW. VERY NICE, DANA.
NO, I'M HERE FOR
YOU, I'M HERE FOR YOU.
IT'S THE REDHEAD.
CUTE REDHEAD.
[ALICE]: KITCHEN SHOES.
NEUTRAL.
LOOK AT THE EARRINGS.
HOOPS. HARD TO READ.
OH, QUICK, SHE'S LOOKING.
OH, GOD, WHAT ARE THEY DOING?
ABORT.
ALL RIGHT, I'LL BE BACK.
ALL RIGHT, SO FAR,
IT'S NECK AND NECK.
YEAH, BUT SHE GOT
SOME GOOD LEZZIE POINTS
FOR HER WALK,
AND THE WAY SHE WIELDS
THAT CHOPPING KNIFE.
BUT SHE'S WAY FEMMY
ON THE COIFFURE TIP.
AND HER REACTION TO
THE TWO OF YOU KISSING
WAS SPLIT,
BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T FREAK OUT,
WHICH IS A GOOD SIGN,
BUT SHE HARDLY
PAID ANY ATTENTION.
YEAH, BUT YOU GUYS,
SHE'S GOT NINE IN
THE LEZ COLUMN,
AND SHE HAS ONLY
SEVEN IN THE STRAIGHT.
YEAH, BUT THE MARGIN
OF ERROR IS PLUS OR MINUS
FIVE PERCENTAGE POINTS.
YOU KNOW WHAT WE HAVE TO DO...
[CLEARS THROAT]
HI.
I'M SORRY?
I WAS JUST WONDERING,
IF YOU HAD THOSE...
THOSE SWEET LITTLE FIGS.
OH, I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.
I LOVE FIGS.
UNFORTUNATELY, THEY'RE
OUT OF SEASON RIGHT NOW.
OH, THEY ARE?
WELL, THEN...
I DON'T KNOW, I WAS
WONDERING IF YOU JUST...
IF YOU CAN RECOMMEND
SOMETHING ELSE.
I JUST KIND OF HAVE THAT...
HAVE THAT CRAVING.
UM, WELL,
SOMETIMES WE HAVE
THESE CHAMPAGNE
TRUFFLES FOR DESSERT,
BUT NOT TODAY.
UM...
UM, THAT'S ABOUT ALL
THAT COMES TO MIND.
THAT'S IT?
YEAH, THAT'S IT.
ALL RIGHT, THEN.
THANK YOU.
I'M SORRY, DANA.
IT DOESN'T LOOK GOOD
FOR MISS LARA PERKINS.
WELL, MAYBE SHE'S
A DIFFERENT KIND
OF LESBIAN.
YEAH, THE STRAIGHT KIND.
THE SHANE TEST PRETTY
MUCH WORKS ON EVERYONE.
YOU DIDN'T GET
ANYTHING FROM HER?
I GOT NOTHING.
AH, HONEY,
THERE ARE A LOT OF
OTHER FISH IN THE SEA.
GAY FISH.
OH, MY GOD.
WHO IS THAT?
AW, SHIT.
LOOK, WILL YOU GET ME
TO YOUR CAR, PLEASE?
I DON'T KNOW, YOU GUYS, YOU'RE
REALLY CUTTING-EDGE NOW.
LESBIAN MOMS,
BIRACIAL CHILD. WOW.
WE'RE NOT PREGNANT YET, ALICE.
YOU'LL HAVE NO
TROUBLE GETTING THAT KID
INTO THE CENTER
FOR EARLY EDUCATION.
IT'LL BE DIVERSITY POSTER CHILD.
LADIES...
HI.
ISN'T THAT YOUR NEIGHBOR?
DO YOU GUYS THINK HE KNOWS?
KNOWS WHAT?
THAT HIS GIRLFRIEND'S
MAKIN' THE TEAM
WITH MARINA.
THAT IS RIDICULOUS.
OKAY, ALL RIGHT. I ONLY
REPEAT WHAT I HEAR.
DID MARINA TELL YOU?
MARINA DIDN'T TELL HER A THING.
IT'S WHAT MARINA DIDN'T
TELL ME. YOU KNOW?
WHY'S IT SO IMPORTANT
FOR YOU TO BELIEVE
THAT EVERYONE IS SLEEPING
WITH EVERYONE ELSE?
BECAUSE THEY ARE.
NO, THAT'S JUST
YOUR LITTLE FANTASY.
HERE IS A TRULY RADICAL IDEA
FOR YOU TO CONTEMPLATE.
MONOGAMY ISN'T
JUST HYPOTHETICAL.
SOME PEOPLE
ACTUALLY DO PRACTICE IT.
OH, RIGHT.
OH, I'LL TAKE CARE
OF IT. DON'T WORRY.
IT'S ON THE HOUSE.
HEY, THANK YOU.
HOW ARE YOU?
I'M GOOD, AND YOU?
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU AND
JENNY IN A LONG TIME.
YEAH, I'VE ACTUALLY BEEN BURIED.
WE HAVE THE BIGGEST
COMPETITION OF THE YEAR
IN TWO WEEKS.
SHE'S JUST BEEN WRITING.
SHE HASN'T BEEN IN AT ALL, HUH?
OH, NOT WHEN I WAS AROUND, NO.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
WE'RE HAVING A
DINNER PARTY TONIGHT.
IT'S JUST KIND OF THROWN
TOGETHER, LAST MINUTE.
YOU SHOULD COME.
OH, THAT'S SWEET, BUT I
HAVE SOME THINGS TO DO.
SERIOUSLY, IT'LL BE FUN.
I MEAN, YOU'RE EVEN GOING
TO KNOW PEOPLE THERE.
BETTE AND TINA, JENNY
WOULD LOVE TO HAVE YOU.
8:00 AT OUR HOUSE.
YOU CAN BRING ANYONE YOU WANT.
I SEE WHAT JENNY SEES IN YOU.
[CLEARS THROAT]
UM, THANKS.
COME.
BYE.
BYE.
WOW. THREE BEAUTIFUL
WOMEN ALL AT ONCE.
PLEASE COME IN.
THANKS.
HI. YOU LOOK GREAT.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU SO MUCH.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
HI.
RANDY JACKSON, CAROLYN VARAJIAN,
THESE ARE OUR
NEXT-DOOR NEIGHBORS.
THIS IS BETTE PORTER,
TINA KENNARD...
HI. NICE TO MEET YOU.
NICE TO MEET YOU.
AND THIS IS MARINA...
FERRER.
WHICH IS EXACTLY WHY I
LET HER INTRODUCE HERSELF.
NOW, I'VE GOT CHILI
IN THE KITCHEN.
JENNY JUST CALLED. SHE'S
GOING TO BE A LITTLE LATE.
SORRY ABOUT THAT,
BUT MAKE YOURSELVES
AT HOME, AND I'LL, UH...
OH, I'LL HELP YOU WITH THESE.
THANK YOU, VERY MUCH.
SUBARU LOVED YOU.
WHAT?
YEAH, YOU'RE THEIR GIRL.
YOU'RE THEIR A-NUMBER-ONE
TENNIS-PLAYING BABE.
I GOT IT?
YEAH, YOU GOT IT.
YEAH, DONE DEAL.
GODDAMN LOVED YOUR FUCKING GUTS.
I GOT IT?
YEAH.
WHO DO YOU LOVE?
WHO DO YOU LOVE?
YOU!
THAT'S RIGHT.
OH, MY GOSH.
ALL RIGHT, YOU'RE
SWEATING ON ME.
YOU GOT SWEAT ALL OVER MY SUIT.
[KNOCKS]
JENNY, HEY. LET ME
GRAB THAT FOR YOU.
HI. HOW ARE YOU?
GOOD. HOW ARE YOU DOING?
NICE TO SEE YOU.
I MISSED YOU.
HI. NICE TO SEE YOU.
HI.
HELLO.
SO, I GOT EIGHT OF THOSE
LITTLE CHOCOLATE
DESSERT THINGS...
VERY EXPENSIVE...
THANK YOU.
SO CHILI'S READY, YOU'RE NOT.
IF YOU CAN RUN AND GET CHANGED,
IT WOULD BE GREAT, OKAY?
UM...
I'LL SEE YOU... IN A SECOND.
JEN, I JUST RAN INTO
HER AT THE PLANET.
WHY ARE YOU SO UPSET?
BECAUSE I DIDN'T KNOW
THAT SHE WAS GOING
TO BE HERE, OKAY?
IT JUST KIND OF SUCKS.
I HAVE NOTHING TO WEAR. FUCK!
OKAY, THIS IS FINE.
IT'S FINE.
LOOK, I JUST DON'T GET...
CAN YOU SHUT THE
DOOR, PLEASE? THANK YOU.
I DON'T GET WHAT
THE BIG DEAL IS.
DID SOMETHING HAPPEN
BETWEEN YOU TWO?
NO, NOTHING HAPPENED.
I DON'T LIKE HER, OKAY?
SHE HAS THIS, YOU KNOW,
THIS WAY OF ACTING LIKE...
SHE KNOWS EVERYTHING,
BUT I'M GOING TO GO OUT THERE
AND JUST GET THIS OVER WITH.
JEN, STOP FOR A SECOND.
JEN... STOP.
WE ARE NOT GOING TO LET
THIS RUIN OUR EVENING. OKAY?
WE'RE GOING TO
GO BACK OUT THERE,
WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A GOOD TIME,
AND WHATEVER COMPETITIVE
THING YOU HAVE GOING WITH MARINA,
JUST TALK TO HER.
YOU KNOW, KISS AND MAKE UP,
OR WHATEVER YOU WOMEN DO.
WHOO!
EVERYBODY, EVERYBODY,
PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER
AND WELCOME REBECCA THATCHER
DOING SIR MIXALOT'S
"I LIKE BIG BUTTS". HEY!
WHY DID WE COME TO KAROKE NIGHT?
SHE'S HERE!
FUCKING GABBY DEVEAUX, AGAIN?
YOU INVITED HER, DIDN'T YOU, AL?
NO! GOD.
I MIGHT'VE MENTIONED
THAT WE MIGHT BE HERE...
LOOK, SHE HAD A
REALLY GOOD EXCUSE
THE OTHER NIGHT.
YEAH, SHE'S A POOR EXCUSE
FOR A DECENT HUMAN BEING.
SHE'S REALLY CHANGED, SHANE.
OKAY? YOU KNOW?
SHE'S A LOT BETTER
THAN SHE USED TO BE.
RIGHT.
WHOA. DID YOU SEE HER BOOTS?
HOT, HOT, HOT!
AL, YOU GET WITH HER,
AND I WILL KILL YOU.
SHE'LL STEP ON YOUR DIGNITY
WITH THOSE BOOTS.
TRUST ME.
THANK YOU.
YOU LOOK LIKE A
RENAISSANCE PAINTING.
OH... GOSH. THANK YOU.
EVERYONE, BEFORE WE START,
JENNY AND I HAVE A
LITTLE ANNOUNCEMENT
WE'D LIKE TO MAKE.
TIM...
YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED?
THAT'S WONDERFUL.
CONGRATULATIONS, YOU GUYS.
CONGRATULATIONS.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THAT DESERVES A TOAST.
ALL RIGHT.
CHEERS.
THANK YOU.
SO CAN WE DIG IN?
PLEASE DO.
ALICE, DON'T TURN AROUND.
ALICE...
I KNOW YOU'RE NOT IGNORING ME.
I WAS... BUSY. I WAS TALKING.
EXCUSE ME,
HAVE ANY OF YOU SEEN
BETTE AND TINA HERE TONIGHT?
NO, THEY HAD, LIKE, A
DINNER PARTY OR SOMETHING.
OKAY. THANKS. I'LL
CHECK YOU ALL LATER.
BYE, KIT.
OKAY.
ANYWAY, I...
ABOUT THAT STORY,
I THINK THEY'RE INTERESTED
IN THE WHOLE CHART THING,
AND, UM... THE GUYS
AT THE MAGAZINE
LOOKED PRETTY INTERESTED IN IT,
AND UM... SOMETHING ABOUT THE...
YEAH, THEY LIKED THE
WAY I LINKED THE EDITOR
TO ME... IN, LIKE, THREE MOVES.
ALICE?
[KICKS TABLE]
WHAT?
IT'S... IT'S COOL.
MAY I HAVE A GLASS?
SURE.
LET ME SEE YOUR RING.
ARE YOU HAPPY?
DON'T ASK ME THAT.
OH, SORRY.
I WAS ADMIRING JENNY'S RING.
ISN'T IT BEAUTIFUL?
IT IS BEAUTIFUL.
TIM HAS GREAT TASTE.
YEAH, HE DOES.
I'M...
I'M REALLY...
I'M JUST REALLY NOT USED
TO THE WAY THIS FEELS...
THIS RING.
[KNOCKING]
YES?
HI.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
I KNOW IT'S NOT MY PLACE
TO JUDGE YOU, MARINA,
AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S
GOING ON WITH YOU AND JENNY,
BUT I THINK THIS IS WRONG.
I'M SORRY YOU FEEL THAT WAY...
BUT I DON'T THINK I'VE
DONE ANYTHING WRONG.
FIRST QUESTION.
IF YOU HAD ONLY
ONE DAY LEFT TO LIVE,
HOW WOULD YOU LIVE IT?
JENNY...
YES.
OH, UM...
I WOULD PROBABLY SPEND
THE WHOLE DAY AND NIGHT
WRITING,
UNTIL I FELT AS THOUGH
I'D LEFT SOMETHING BEHIND
THAT I WAS PROUD OF.
YOU MEAN YOU WOULDN'T
SPEND IT WITH ME?
REALLY, HUH?
I WOULD BE LYING ON A BEACH,
SIPPING RUM AND READING BORGES.
AND I WOULD BE WITH YOU,
BECAUSE JENNY WOULD BE
OFF SOMEWHERE WRITING.
I NEED TO LEAVE.
NAKED IN TAHITI.
THAT'S THE WAY TO DO IT.
YOU GUYS, BETTE HAS
THIS THROBBING HEADACHE,
AND SHE HAS HAD IT
SINCE EARLY THIS MORNING,
SO I'M GOING TO TAKE HER HOME.
OH. CAN I GET YOU SOME ADVIL?
NO, NO, I'M JUST GOING
TO PUT HER TO BED.
SHE'LL BE FINE,
BUT THANKS, IT WAS
SUCH A GREAT EVENING.
IT WAS NICE MEETING YOU.
NICE MEETING YOU.
CONGRATULATIONS.
THANK YOU.
BYE, BETTE,
I HOPE YOU FEEL BETTER.
I'M SURE I WILL. THANKS.
WHAT HAPPENED?
MARINA AND JENNY.
WHAT MAKES YOU SO SURE?
BELIEVE ME. I SAW THEM.
THEY WERE GETTING REAL CLOSE
IN THE KITCHEN.
WELL, MAYBE THEY
WERE JUST TALKING.
I'M SURE IF ANYTHING HAPPENED,
IT WAS PROBABLY
JUST A ONE-TIME THING.
MAYBE TIM KNOWS.
TIM DOESN'T KNOW.
THEY WERE IN THERE
MAKING A FOOL OF HIM.
WHY ARE YOU BEING SO JUDGMENTAL?
AND WHY ARE YOU BEING SO BLASE?
DON'T THINK YOU'RE MAKING
TOO MUCH OUT OF THIS?
NO.
WELL, IT'S NOT
THAT BIG OF A DEAL.
WHY? JUST BECAUSE
MARINA'S A WOMAN,
IT DOESN'T COUNT?
OH, YEAH, BETTE,
THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I THINK.
WELL, THOSE ARE
REALLY GREAT VALUES
TO PASS ONTO OUR
KID, AREN'T THEY, TINA?
YOU MEAN YOU'RE PREGNANT?
JESUS!
AND NO ONE WAS GOING TO TELL ME?
HI, KIT.
I DON'T KNOW. WE DON'T KNOW YET.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS
HAVE TO BREAK IN?
LOOK, I'M GOING TO
GO TO BED, YOU GUYS.
YOU CAN'T.
I NEED TO TALK TO BOTH OF YOU.
IT'S NOT A GOOD TIME.
WELL, IF I DON'T DO IT NOW,
THEN I AM GOING
TO LOSE MY NERVE.
IF YOU DON'T DO WHAT?
START MAKING AMENDS.
IS THIS A 12-STEP THING?
YEAH,
AND I HAVE TO DO THIS,
OR I'M NOT GOING TO
GET MY LICENSE BACK.
SO IT'S A REQUIREMENT. I
MEAN, YOU DON'T EVEN MEAN IT.
YOU'RE JUST GOING TO
GO THROUGH THE MOTIONS...
NO, IT'S NOT. I REALLY MEAN IT.
LIKE YOU DO ALL THE TIME.
I REALLY MEAN IT,
AND I'VE DONE A LOT
OF THINKING ABOUT IT,
AND I WROTE A LIST THAT
I WANTED YOU TO LOOK AT
TO SEE IF THERE'S ANYTHING,
YOU KNOW, THAT I FORGOT.
OKAY...
BETTE, I HAVE TO DO THIS.
I APOLOGIZE FOR THE
TIME I YELLED AT YOU
WHEN YOU WERE 10,
AND YOU HID IN THE GARAGE
TO LISTEN TO MY BAND PRACTICE.
I APOLOGIZE THAT
I DIDN'T TURN UP
FOR YOUR 12th BIRTHDAY
PARTY AFTER PROMISING I WOULD,
AND I APOLOGIZE
FOR HIDING MY STASH
IN YOUR TEDDY BEAR
AND LETTING DADDY REAM YOU
EVEN THOUGH HE KNEW IT WAS MINE,
AND I APOLOGIZE FOR
DISAPPEARING FROM YOUR LIFE
FOR SO MANY YEARS.
[SIGHS]
COME ON, HELP ME OUT
HERE. YOU KNOW I MEAN IT.
BETTE, YOU KNOW IT'S JUST
NOT THAT EASY FOR HER!
WELL, I GUESS I FUCKED THAT UP.
NO, YOU DIDN'T.
IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.
[SIGHS HEAVILY]
HEY!
SO DID YOU HEAR FROM SUBARU?
DID YOU GET IT?
I DID IT.
OH, MY GOD! THAT IS FANTASTIC.
I KNEW YOU WOULD.
THANKS.
WELL, THEY'RE LUCKY TO HAVE YOU.
OH, THANKS.
WELL, UM, GOOD NIGHT.
GOOD NIGHT.
JUST IN CASE YOU
WERE STILL WONDERING.
HI.
WELL, HEY.
I LIKE YOUR BOOTS.
HI.
HI.
ARE YOU, UM, WITH ANYONE?
UM... NO.
HEY!
I'VE GOT SOMETHING TO SAY!
THERE'S A MENACE IN THE HOUSE.
SHE'S A USER...
AND A FUCKER,
AND SHE HAS PROBABLY
FUCKED YOU, AND YOU,
AND YOU...
AND THERE SHE IS!
ON THE PROWL FOR ANOTHER GIRL
TO FUCK AND LEAVE!
SO TELL HER, "NO MORE!"
STOP THE MENACE!
I AM SORRY.
STOP THE MENACE!
COME ON! STOP THE MENACE!
STOP THE MENACE!
I THINK YOU'RE RIGHT
TO HAVE SUCH STRONG CONVICTIONS.
IT MAKES YOU WHO YOU ARE.
IT SETS YOU APART.
I LOVE YOU FOR THAT.
I DO.
[SPEAKING FRENCH]
YES.
OUI. THANK YOU.
GOODBYE, TIM.
IT WAS WONDERFUL.
THANK YOU.
JENNY, YOU HAVE A
WONDERFUL HOME.
THANK YOU.
WOW. HEY, JUST ONE QUESTION.
WHO IS IN LOVE WITH THAT WOMAN?
COUNT ME IN.
I'M ONLY HUMAN.
THE WOMAN HAS A CHARM THAT
GOES WAY BEYOND THE FACT
THAT SHE'S JUST... STUNNING.
YES. JENNY...
DON'T YOU HAVE JUST
A LITTLE CRUSH ON HER?
NO.
[♪♪♪]
ACTS OF SEX, OKAY?
THEY'RE ENCOUNTERS, ROMANCES,
ONE-NIGHT STANDS,
20-YEAR MARRIAGES...
ANY TIME YOU GET A GROUP
OF GAY GIRLS TOGETHER,
YOU ARE GUARANTEED SOMEONE'S
SLEPT WITH SOMEONE ELSE
WHO HAS SLEPT WITH SOMEONE ELSE
WHO'S SLEPT WITH
SOMEONE ELSE IN THAT ROOM.
NAME ANY LESBIAN YOU KNOW.
I CAN LINK HER TO
ME IN SIX MOVES.
CHRISTINE LEE.
CHRISTINE LEE. EASY.
ALL RIGHT, LET ME
THINK ABOUT THIS.
OKAY, SHE WAS WITH
GRACE PARTRIDGE
A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO.
GRACE HAD A ONE-NIGHT
THING WITH ANYA,
THEN ANYA DATED DENISE,
WHO LIVED WITH
KATHERINE CLAYMORE,
WHO WAS MY FIRST
GIRLFRIEND OUT OF COLLEGE.
IT'S AMAZING, RIGHT?
ALL RIGHT, MARC, IT'S
NOT JUST ABOUT LESBIANS.
I COULD PUT YOU ON THIS THING,
AND PROBABLY, LIKE,
SIX CONNECTIONS, EASY.
I MEAN, ONE, IF YOU
SLEPT WITH ANYA...
SO?
SO?
SO THE POINT IS WE'RE
ALL CONNECTED, SEE?
THROUGH LOVE,
THROUGH LONELINESS,
THROUGH ONE TINY,
LAMENTABLE LAPSE
IN JUDGMENT.
ALL OF US, IN OUR ISOLATION, WE
REACH OUT FROM THE DARKNESS,
FROM THE ALIENATION
OF MODERN LIFE,
TO FORM THESE CONNECTIONS.
I THINK IT'S A REALLY
PROFOUND STATEMENT
ABOUT THE NATURE
OF HUMAN EXISTENCE.
ALL RIGHT, I COULD JUST DO A
PIECE ON VAGINAL REJUVENATION.
NOW, THAT, I LIKE.
LET'S DO IT.
GUESS WHAT?
I'M ALL NICE AND CLEAN,
AND YOU'RE GOING TO GET
ME SWEATY AND STINKY?
NOT NOW, BUT LATER FOR SURE.
WHEN WE DO AN INSEMINATION.
YOU AND ME, TONIGHT,
HERE AT HOME,
SEXY AND IN LOVE,
WITH NO DOCTORS,
NO FLUORESCENT
LIGHTS, NO PAPER GOWNS.
DO YOU WANT TO?
YEAH, I WANT TO, BUT
LAST TIME I CHECKED,
YOU REALLY NEEDED SPERM
TO MAKE IT WORTHWHILE.
I'M GOING TO THE CRYOBANK
THIS AFTERNOON.
FOR MARCUS'S SPERM?
YES.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT
I WAS THINKING.
THERE'S NO REASON ON EARTH
THAT I WOULDN'T WANT
TO MAKE A BABY WITH YOU
USING A DONOR WHO'S BLACK.
I... I THINK...
I THINK I WAS REALLY SCARED...
DON'T THINK,
BECAUSE I WOULD LOVE
TO MAKE A BABY WITH YOU...
TONIGHT...
IN OUR HOME... IN OUR BED.
JUST YOU AND ME.
TIM, CAN I TALK TO YOU?
RIGHT NOW, BABE?
I'VE REALLY GOT TO GET GOING.
THE GIRLS ARE
ALREADY IN THE WATER.
GOD, YOU SHOULD HAVE
SEEN TRISH YESTERDAY.
SHE WAS ON FIRE, AND MARY...
IF I COULD JUST KEEP
THEM RIGHT IN THAT ZONE,
WE'RE ABSOLUTELY GOING
TO REAM SC ON SATURDAY.
GO, TEAM.
YOU BET YOUR SWEET ASS.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!
HOLD ON, HOLD ON!
WHEN AM I GOING
TO SEE YOU AGAIN?
UM, I'LL BE AT MILK ON THURSDAY.
OKAY, I'LL SEE YOU THERE.
GO LIKE THAT.
YOU JUST HAD SOMETHING...
YEAH, THANKS.
I'LL SEE YOU LATER.
OKAY. BYE.
BYE, BABY.
[DIALS CELLPHONE]
HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
YEAH, LET'S GET TOGETHER.
ALL RIGHT...
SEE YOU SOON.
YEAH, GOOD.
HIGHER, HIGHER, HIGHER, HIGHER.
NO, I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU.
OKAY, HOW MUCH TIME TO I HAVE?
WELL, I GUESS IT'LL
BE, LIKE, 10 MINUTES.
I'VE GOT TO CALL
YOU BACK. OKAY, BYE.
HOW ABOUT WE TAKE A BREAK,
YOU GET A LIGHT SNACK,
AND WHEN YOU COME BACK,
WE CAN WORK ON
THAT SLICE OF YOURS,
ALL RIGHT?
OKAY...
WHAT, LIKE, 45 MINUTES? WHAT?
45 MINUTES, GREAT. OKAY?
45 MINUTES. YEAH.
IT'S GOOD.
OKAY.
REVIVA. WHO IS IT?
UH, YEAH, ALICE PETERS.
I HAVE AN APPOINTMENT...
I DON'T UNDERSTAND,
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
I HAVE AN APPOINTMENT.
FOR WHAT? WHAT DO YOU WANT?
I NEED TO GET MY
VAGINA REJUVENATED.
WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST SAY SO?
[DOOR BUZZES]
UM, HI. UH, ALICE PETERS.
I HAVE AN APPOINTMENT...
ALICE?
GABBY...
THE RECOVERY'S
SUPPOSED TO BE HELL.
CAN YOU TELL THE
DOCTOR I'M HERE?
ALICE...
WHAT?
I... I BEHAVED BADLY,
AND I'M SORRY.
I... I... I WAS AN
ASSHOLE. I KNOW THAT.
AND I FREAKED OUT.
IT WAS REALLY INTENSE,
AND... I WASN'T READY FOR IT,
BUT I STILL HAVE
FEELINGS FOR YOU.
I MEAN, I THINK ABOUT
YOU ALL THE TIME.
YOU LOOK GREAT.
LOOK, I AM NOT DOING
THIS AGAIN, GABBY.
PLEASE. LET ME TRY AGAIN.
I MEAN, CAN'T WE
JUST... HAVE LUNCH?
NO.
JUST...
I MEAN, I DON'T... OKAY...
JUST LUNCH.
I'LL PROVE TO YOU HOW
MUCH I'VE CHANGED.
SAY YES, ALICE...
JUST SAY YES.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
HELLO. REVIVA.
LET ME CHECK THE BOOKS.
UM, OKAY, WHAT
ABOUT TUESDAY THE 23rd
AROUND 3:00? 3:00?
YOU'VE GOT A WHOLE HOUR THERE.
OH. OKAY.
UM, I'M AFRAID
THEY'RE NOT UNTIL TWO
WEEKS LATER, ACTUALLY,
ON THE THURSDAY AT 10:00 A.M.
WOULD THAT BE GOOD FOR YOU?
GREAT, GREAT. I'LL PUT YOU IN.
I DIDN'T ORDER THAT.
I KNOW. THEY'RE FROM HER.
LARA PERKINS, OUR SOUS-CHEF.
SOUP CHEF?
YEAH. RIGHT.
HI, JENNY. IT'S MARINA.
I WAS THINKING ABOUT YOU.
[ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS]
IT WASHED UP ON THE
BEACH IN SANTA MONICA...
A SWOLLEN, TANGLED
MASS IN SEAWEED.
A JOGGER STEPPED, HOVERED,
POKED AT IT WITH HER TOE.
SARAH SHUSTER'S
BODY FLOPPED BACK,
HER STILL-LIMPID EYES
STARING UP AT THE SKY...
YOU ARE SO OVER AND A DAY...
BUSTED, BITCH!
LACEY, STOP.
YOU CAN JUST KISS
YOUR LITTLE 4-Fs GOODBYE.
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHAT
ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
THE 4-Fs!
SHE FINDS THEM, FEELS THEM,
FUCKS THEM, AND FORGETS THEM,
BUT I'M GOING TO TELL
THE WHOLE WORLD
WHO YOU ARE.
OKAY?
YOU ARE SO SO FUCKED
FOR KICKING ME OUT!
CALM DOWN.
FIGURE IT OUT SOMEWHERE ELSE.
KEEP IT AWAY FROM MY
FRIENDS AND MY BUSINESS.
YOU'LL SEE, SHANE!
ALL RIGHT, WHAT'S UP
WITH JENNY AND MARINA?
NOTHING, AS FAR AS I KNOW.
WHAT? WHAT'S GOING ON
WITH JENNY AND MARINA?
LOOK, GUYS, IT'S
NONE OF OUR BUSINESS.
JUST LET IT GO.
I THOUGHT JENNY WAS STRAIGHT.
DANA, MOST GIRLS ARE
STRAIGHT... UNTIL THEY'RE NOT,
AND THEN SOMETIMES THEY'RE GAY
TILL THEY'RE NOT.
TRUE, BUT THEN THERE
ARE ALSO THE ONES
THAT NEVER LOOK BACK.
RIGHT?
AND YOU CAN SPOT
THEM COMING A MILE AWAY.
HOW CAN YOU TELL?
YOU READ THE SIGNALS.
THAT'S MY PROBLEM.
DANA, IT'S NOT A PROBLEM.
ALL RIGHT. NO,
SEXUALITY IS FLUID.
WHETHER YOU'RE GAY,
OR YOU'RE STRAIGHT,
OR YOU'RE BISEXUAL, YOU
JUST GO WITH THE FLOW.
NO. NO, NO, THAT IS
MY PROBLEM, OKAY?
I CAN'T FEEL THE FLOW.
THAT THING... WHATEVER IT IS,
I DON'T GOT IT.
YOU DON'T HAVE GAYDAR.
NO.
YOU'RE SO RIGHT.
YOU DON'T HAVE IT.
NO, EVERYONE'S GOT IT.
NO.
YOU JUST HAVE TO TUNE IN. YES.
I'M GOING TO PROVE IT. SEE
THAT GIRL WHO JUST CAME IN?
OKAY.
WHAT IS SHE?
A CUSTOMER?
I DON'T KNOW.
DANA, LOOK AT HER FINGERNAILS,
ARE THEY LONG OR SHORT?
ARE THEY POLISHED OR NATURAL?
THEY'RE LONG AND POLISHED.
SO SHE'S...
LEANING TO STRAIGHT,
BUT YOU NEED MORE INFO.
LOOK AT THE SHOES.
HIGH-HEELED SANDALS.
WITH TAPERED JEANS.
WOULD YOU WEAR HIGH-HEELED
SANDALS WITH TAPERED JEANS?
YES?
NO.
OH, GOD...
LOOK, I'VE ONLY EVER SEEN
HER IN HER CHEF'S UNIFORM.
DANA, I DOUBT THAT
WOMAN'S A CHEF.
NO, SHE'S GOT A
THING FOR A CHEF.
I DO.
DANA, I'M IMPRESSED.
YOU'RE INTO SOMEONE,
AND YOU WANT TO KNOW
WHETHER OR NOT THEY'RE DOWN.
SHE'S DOWN?
WHETHER SHE PLAYS FOR
OUR TEAM, THE GAY TEAM.
WHAT, DON'T THE BISEXUALS
HAVE THEIR OWN TEAM?
ALL RIGHT, I'M GOING TO HELP YOU
EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE
EXTREMELY ANNOYING.
DO YOU KNOW THE
NAME OF THIS GIRL,
FIRST AND LAST?
YES, I DO.
ALL RIGHT, YOU KNOW THE CHART?
YEAH.
OKAY, I PUT IT ON THE INTERNET.
YOU WHAT?
ALL RIGHT, DON'T
FREAK. IT'S REALLY COOL.
THIS THING IS GROWING.
PEOPLE ARE ADDING NAMES,
AND IT'S, LIKE, GROWING
EXPONENTIALLY.
THAT'S GREAT, ALICE, I LOVE
THE SOUND OF THAT ONE.
A COLD, CLAMMY WIND BLEW.
SARAH'S COFFIN WAS LOWERED
INTO THE READY, DAMP EARTH...
I WAS THINKING ABOUT YOU.
[ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS]
HI, JENNY. IT'S MARINA.
I WAS THINKING ABOUT YOU.
I WAS THINKING ABOUT YOU.
END OF FINAL MESSAGE.
PRESS ERASE AGAIN
TO ERASE ALL MESSAGES.
NO MESSAGES.
TO US.
TO OUR FUTURE.
TO MARCUS ALLENWOOD'S
UNBELIEVABLY HIGH SPERM COUNT.
IT'S FASCINATING.
IT'S VERY CLEAR PINK.
SEAN'S WAS KIND OF GREENISH.
AND MORE VISCOUS.
[GROANING]
NO. DON'T BE GROSSED OUT.
WE HAVE TO HONOR IT.
WE HONOR YOU.
WE HONOR YOU...
ALL 75 MILLION OF YOU.
OKAY...
DO WE HAVE EVERYTHING WE NEED?
LET'S SEE...
OKAY.
SYRINGE, DIAPHRAGM...
MAGICAL JUICE.
MAGIC JUICE.
LET'S DO IT.
YEAH, LET'S DO IT.
LOOK AT THAT.
I'M THE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE.
YOU'RE A MAJOR HUB.
I MEAN, THERE'S
ONLY ONE OTHER GIRL.
MARY O'REILLY DATED
THIS LESBIAN PORN STAR...
SHE HAS A CRAZIER
MATRIX THAN YOU.
OH, THERE'S A...
THERE'S A DOTTED LINE.
THERE'S A DOTTED LINE
BETWEEN YOU AND GABBY DEVEAUX.
NO, NO NO, THERE ISN'T.
I RAN INTO HER THE
OTHER DAY, OKAY?
I WAS DOING RESEARCH
ON MY VAGINAL
REJUVENATION STORY.
SHE WAS THE REVIVA RECEPTIONIST,
AND SHE THOUGHT I WAS
THERE FOR THE SURGERY,
AND SHE WAS, LIKE,
"BUT, ALICE, YOUR
PUSSY'S TIGHT," YOU KNOW?
LIKE, WHY ARE YOU HERE?
IT WAS FUNNY.
SHE LOOKED GOOD. IT WAS FUNNY.
DIDN'T SHE TREAT
YOU LIKE SHIT, AL?
WORSE THAN THAT.
AL, I SWEAR I WILL KILL YOU
IF YOU GET BACK
TOGETHER WITH HER.
OKAY!
SHANE, I'M NOT GOING
TO GET BACK TOGETHER
WITH HER, OKAY?
IT'S NOT GOING TO
HAPPEN, ALL RIGHT?
NO, I'M SERIOUS.
ALL RIGHT, WHAT'S THE
NAME OF YOUR LITTLE COOK?
UH, LARA PERKINS.
L-A-R-A. PERKINS.
SHE'S, UH, SHE'S THE SOUP CHEF.
A SOUS-CHEF? LIKE,
AN ASSISTANT CHEF?
OH, YEAH.
SOUS-CHEF.
YEAH, YEAH, NO, THAT'S
TOTALLY WHAT SHE IS.
SOUS-CHEF.
OKAY, I MIGHT AS WELL
START WITH SHANE.
WHY MUST YOU DO THAT?
CHANCES ARE, IF SHE'S
INTO GIRLS, YOU KNOW?
LOOK, DANE,
IT TOTALLY WOULDN'T
HAVE MEANT ANYTHING.
OOH, THAT'S COMFORTING. THANKS.
SHE'S NOT ON IT.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
I DID A WHOLE SEARCH.
WELL, IT MEANS SHE
DIDN'T SLEEP WITH SHANE,
WHICH IS GOOD,
BUT SHE DIDN'T
SLEEP WITH ANYONE.
HOW LONG DO I HAVE
TO STAY THIS WAY?
DO YOU WANT TO TRY PUTTING
THE DIAPHRAGM IN AGAIN?
OOH, GOD, THAT'S DISGUSTING.
WE'VE REALLY GOT TO TELL SONIA
TO CLEAN UNDER THERE.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
DID WE FORGET SOMETHING?
NO...
HI. WERE YOU SLEEPING?
NOT EXACTLY.
WE TRIED TO CALL,
BUT NO ONE ANSWERED.
SO THE LOGICAL CONCLUSION
WAS JUST TO COME OVER?
NO, IT'S AN EMERGENCY.
YOU KNOW, IT STARTED
AS A GAYDAR THING.
SHANE AND I ARE TOTALLY CAPABLE
OF HANDLING THAT,
BUT THIS ONE HAS MAJOR
RELATIONSHIP STUFF.
YEAH, I THINK AT THIS POINT,
SHE NEEDS EXPERT ADVICE.
I'M SO EMBARRASSED,
I'M SORRY.
IT'S OKAY, DANA,
WE WERE FINISHED.
OH, MY GOD.
OH, HEY.
HEY...
WHAT IS THIS?
MARCUS ALLENWOOD.
OH, GOD.
OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
THAT IS DISGUSTING.
OH, MY GOD, GET
IT OFF. GET IT OFF!
YOU WON'T GET PREGNANT
THROUGH YOUR SWEATER.
THANKS. I KNOW. I
GOT IT. I'LL GET IT.
WAIT,
SO WE COULD BE HERE AT
THE MOMENT OF CONCEPTION.
YOU COULD. YES.
WELL, THEN, I'M REALLY SORRY.
WOULD YOU LIKE US TO LEAVE?
THAT WOULD BE TOO LATE.
YEAH, WHY DON'T YOU GUYS JUST
TELL US ABOUT THE EMERGENCY?
THE EMERGENCY IS...
MISS DANA IS HOT FOR
THIS LITTLE NUGGET
AT HER COUNTRY CLUB.
LARA PERKINS.
WE LOOKED HER UP ON
THE CHART, NOT ON IT.
I JUST WANT TO KNOW IF SHE'S...
IF SHE'S GAY?
HAVE YOU LOOKED
AT HER FINGERNAILS?
NOT GOING TO WORK. SHE'S A CHEF.
WHAT KIND OF DRESSER IS SHE?
WELL, SHE WEARS THIS
CUTE LITTLE WHITE UNIFORM,
BUT SOMETIMES SHE
WEARS A STRIPEY APRON.
BUT WHAT ABOUT...
PERSONAL INTERACTION?
I MEAN, IS SHE FLIRTATIOUS?
DOES SHE MAKE A
LOT OF EYE CONTACT?
DOES SHE TOUCH YOUR HAND
WHEN SHE'S TALKING TO YOU?
UM, WELL, I HAVEN'T REALLY
TALKED TO HER UP CLOSE YET.
WHAT DO YOU GUYS,
SHOUT ACROSS THE ROOM?
NO.
LOOK, I JUST WANT TO KNOW.
I JUST... BEFORE I TALK TO HER
AND MAKE AN ASS OF MYSELF,
I JUST WANT TO KNOW
WHETHER OR NOT SHE'S...
DANA, DANA, HONEY,
WE CAN'T POSSIBLY MAKE ANY
KIND OF ACCURATE ANALYSIS
WHEN YOU HAVEN'T EVEN
HAD A CONVERSATION WITH HER.
I MEAN, WE NEED
SOMETHING TO GO ON.
WELL, SHE SENDS ME FOOD.
SHE SENDS ME
VEGETABLES ON SKEWERS
WITH, LIKE, THESE PERFECT
LITTLE GRILL MARKS ON THEM,
AND SOMETIMES, SHE SENDS ME
THESE DIPPING SAUCES
WITH, LIKE, NO FAT,
OR ANYTHING ELSE HEAVY IN THEM
NOT TO MESS UP MY
TRAINING, YOU KNOW.
THESE SKEWERED VEGETABLES,
DID SHE COME UP WITH
THEM ALL ON HER OWN,
OR DID YOU ORDER THEM?
NO, SHE JUST SENDS THEM.
BUT SHE HASN'T SPOKEN TO YOU?
NO.
ASK HER OUT.
NO, NO, NO, DANA CANNOT DO THAT,
AND IT'S TOTALLY UNDERSTANDABLE.
YOU DON'T WANT TO
PUT YOURSELF OUT THERE
TO SOMEONE WHO MAYBE
IS JUST BEING NICE TO YOU
BECAUSE YOU'RE AN
IMPORTANT PERSON
AT THE CLUB.
EXACTLY.
PLEASE, DON'T ENCOURAGE HER.
IT'S OKAY, DANA.
WE ARE GOING TAKE CARE OF THIS.
YOU MEAN...
I MEAN.
WHAT?
WE ARE GOING TO DEPLOY A MISSION
TO ASCERTAIN THE
DISPOSITION AND INTENT
OF ONE MISS LARA PERKINS.
HEY...
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?
WHAT? THERE'S NOTHING IN
HERE I HAVEN'T SEEN BEFORE,
BELIEVE ME.
OH, WHERE'S THE SHORTS?
THE ONES YOU WERE
WEARING YESTERDAY?
THEY'RE IN THE WASH. WHY?
THEY MAKE YOUR ASS LOOK BETTER.
NOT TO WORRY.
SUBARU IS INTERESTED
IN MORE THAN A GOOD ASS.
SUBARU?
YEAH, CAMPAIGN.
THERE'S GOING TO BE A REP
IN THE STANDS TOMORROW,
WATCHING YOU TRAIN.
OH, MY GOD.
OH, MY GOD, OH MY GOD!
OH, JESUS. HONEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?
CAN YOU PUMP UP A LITTLE
BEFORE YOU HIT THE COURT?
YEAH, HA, HA.
I WANT TO SEE VEINS POPPING.
OKAY.
WHO BUSTS HIS BALLS FOR YOU?
YOU DO.
THAT'S RIGHT.
WEAR THE SHORTS.
I'LL WEAR THE SHORTS.
OH, MY GOD.
HEY...
YOU OKAY?
UH... I'M FINE.
I'M FINE.
THAT WAS MY AGENT.
HE JUST TOLD ME SUBARU
MIGHT WANT TO USE ME
FOR AN AD CAMPAIGN.
SO THEY'RE GOING TO
WATCH ME TRAIN TOMORROW.
WHICH IS SO COOL.
YEAH, THAT'S SO EXCITING.
YEAH, YEAH, IT IS.
IT IS, KIND OF.
I MEAN, YOU KNOW, I
CAN'T MESS UP, SO...
I'M SURE YOU WON'T.
UM, YOU CAN TURN AROUND NOW.
MY JACKET'S BACK ON.
MY JOB IS SO MESSY,
I HAVE TO CHANGE,
LIKE, THREE TIMES A DAY.
YEAH?
YOU ALWAYS LOOK
NICE WHEN I SEE YOU.
I MEAN... I MEAN, YOU
NEVER LOOK DIRTY...
WHEN I SEE YOU...
I'VE GOT TO GO.
I... I HAVE TO GO.
LISTEN,
WHY... WHY DON'T
YOU COME BY LATER?
I'LL SEND SOMETHING
DOWN FOR YOU.
OKAY. YEAH.
GREAT.
THANK YOU. BYE.
BYE.
[SNAPS FINGERS]
BAG.
BYE.
BYE.
HEY, AL.
HOW'D IT GO?
[SIGHS]
YOU'RE NOT SERIOUS.
MAYBE IT'S FOR THE BEST.
WHAT IS?
WELL, GABBY DEVEAUX
STOOD ALICE UP.
YEAH.
NEVER MIND.
LET'S GO HELP DANA OUT,
AND THEN WE CAN WORK
OUT YOUR SITUATION.
ALICE, I AM SO SORRY I'M LATE.
YEAH. YEAH, YOU REALLY ARE.
WORKING ON MY SCREENPLAY,
LOST TRACK OF THE TIME.
YOU'RE A WRITER.
YOU KNOW HOW IT IS.
CAN YOU FORGIVE ME?
YEAH, UM...
MY FRIENDS ARE WAITING,
I SHOULD PROBABLY GO.
DO YOU HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING
YOUR FRIENDS WANT YOU TO DO?
ALICE...
WE REALLY GOT TO GO.
OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
OH, YEAH, YOU DO.
COME ON, ALICE,
WE'VE GOT TO GO.
OKAY.
ALL RIGHT, GUYS.
LET'S DO IT.
OKAY.
PRETEND YOU DON'T KNOW US.
DANA, MAY I SIT WITH YOU?
YEAH, SURE.
SO WHICH ONE IS SHE?
WOW. VERY NICE, DANA.
NO, I'M HERE FOR
YOU, I'M HERE FOR YOU.
IT'S THE REDHEAD.
CUTE REDHEAD.
[ALICE]: KITCHEN SHOES.
NEUTRAL.
LOOK AT THE EARRINGS.
HOOPS. HARD TO READ.
OH, QUICK, SHE'S LOOKING.
OH, GOD, WHAT ARE THEY DOING?
ABORT.
ALL RIGHT, I'LL BE BACK.
ALL RIGHT, SO FAR,
IT'S NECK AND NECK.
YEAH, BUT SHE GOT
SOME GOOD LEZZIE POINTS
FOR HER WALK,
AND THE WAY SHE WIELDS
THAT CHOPPING KNIFE.
BUT SHE'S WAY FEMMY
ON THE COIFFURE TIP.
AND HER REACTION TO
THE TWO OF YOU KISSING
WAS SPLIT,
BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T FREAK OUT,
WHICH IS A GOOD SIGN,
BUT SHE HARDLY
PAID ANY ATTENTION.
YEAH, BUT YOU GUYS,
SHE'S GOT NINE IN
THE LEZ COLUMN,
AND SHE HAS ONLY
SEVEN IN THE STRAIGHT.
YEAH, BUT THE MARGIN
OF ERROR IS PLUS OR MINUS
FIVE PERCENTAGE POINTS.
YOU KNOW WHAT WE HAVE TO DO...
[CLEARS THROAT]
HI.
I'M SORRY?
I WAS JUST WONDERING,
IF YOU HAD THOSE...
THOSE SWEET LITTLE FIGS.
OH, I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.
I LOVE FIGS.
UNFORTUNATELY, THEY'RE
OUT OF SEASON RIGHT NOW.
OH, THEY ARE?
WELL, THEN...
I DON'T KNOW, I WAS
WONDERING IF YOU JUST...
IF YOU CAN RECOMMEND
SOMETHING ELSE.
I JUST KIND OF HAVE THAT...
HAVE THAT CRAVING.
UM, WELL,
SOMETIMES WE HAVE
THESE CHAMPAGNE
TRUFFLES FOR DESSERT,
BUT NOT TODAY.
UM...
UM, THAT'S ABOUT ALL
THAT COMES TO MIND.
THAT'S IT?
YEAH, THAT'S IT.
ALL RIGHT, THEN.
THANK YOU.
I'M SORRY, DANA.
IT DOESN'T LOOK GOOD
FOR MISS LARA PERKINS.
WELL, MAYBE SHE'S
A DIFFERENT KIND
OF LESBIAN.
YEAH, THE STRAIGHT KIND.
THE SHANE TEST PRETTY
MUCH WORKS ON EVERYONE.
YOU DIDN'T GET
ANYTHING FROM HER?
I GOT NOTHING.
AH, HONEY,
THERE ARE A LOT OF
OTHER FISH IN THE SEA.
GAY FISH.
OH, MY GOD.
WHO IS THAT?
AW, SHIT.
LOOK, WILL YOU GET ME
TO YOUR CAR, PLEASE?
I DON'T KNOW, YOU GUYS, YOU'RE
REALLY CUTTING-EDGE NOW.
LESBIAN MOMS,
BIRACIAL CHILD. WOW.
WE'RE NOT PREGNANT YET, ALICE.
YOU'LL HAVE NO
TROUBLE GETTING THAT KID
INTO THE CENTER
FOR EARLY EDUCATION.
IT'LL BE DIVERSITY POSTER CHILD.
LADIES...
HI.
ISN'T THAT YOUR NEIGHBOR?
DO YOU GUYS THINK HE KNOWS?
KNOWS WHAT?
THAT HIS GIRLFRIEND'S
MAKIN' THE TEAM
WITH MARINA.
THAT IS RIDICULOUS.
OKAY, ALL RIGHT. I ONLY
REPEAT WHAT I HEAR.
DID MARINA TELL YOU?
MARINA DIDN'T TELL HER A THING.
IT'S WHAT MARINA DIDN'T
TELL ME. YOU KNOW?
WHY'S IT SO IMPORTANT
FOR YOU TO BELIEVE
THAT EVERYONE IS SLEEPING
WITH EVERYONE ELSE?
BECAUSE THEY ARE.
NO, THAT'S JUST
YOUR LITTLE FANTASY.
HERE IS A TRULY RADICAL IDEA
FOR YOU TO CONTEMPLATE.
MONOGAMY ISN'T
JUST HYPOTHETICAL.
SOME PEOPLE
ACTUALLY DO PRACTICE IT.
OH, RIGHT.
OH, I'LL TAKE CARE
OF IT. DON'T WORRY.
IT'S ON THE HOUSE.
HEY, THANK YOU.
HOW ARE YOU?
I'M GOOD, AND YOU?
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU AND
JENNY IN A LONG TIME.
YEAH, I'VE ACTUALLY BEEN BURIED.
WE HAVE THE BIGGEST
COMPETITION OF THE YEAR
IN TWO WEEKS.
SHE'S JUST BEEN WRITING.
SHE HASN'T BEEN IN AT ALL, HUH?
OH, NOT WHEN I WAS AROUND, NO.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
WE'RE HAVING A
DINNER PARTY TONIGHT.
IT'S JUST KIND OF THROWN
TOGETHER, LAST MINUTE.
YOU SHOULD COME.
OH, THAT'S SWEET, BUT I
HAVE SOME THINGS TO DO.
SERIOUSLY, IT'LL BE FUN.
I MEAN, YOU'RE EVEN GOING
TO KNOW PEOPLE THERE.
BETTE AND TINA, JENNY
WOULD LOVE TO HAVE YOU.
8:00 AT OUR HOUSE.
YOU CAN BRING ANYONE YOU WANT.
I SEE WHAT JENNY SEES IN YOU.
[CLEARS THROAT]
UM, THANKS.
COME.
BYE.
BYE.
WOW. THREE BEAUTIFUL
WOMEN ALL AT ONCE.
PLEASE COME IN.
THANKS.
HI. YOU LOOK GREAT.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU SO MUCH.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
HI.
RANDY JACKSON, CAROLYN VARAJIAN,
THESE ARE OUR
NEXT-DOOR NEIGHBORS.
THIS IS BETTE PORTER,
TINA KENNARD...
HI. NICE TO MEET YOU.
NICE TO MEET YOU.
AND THIS IS MARINA...
FERRER.
WHICH IS EXACTLY WHY I
LET HER INTRODUCE HERSELF.
NOW, I'VE GOT CHILI
IN THE KITCHEN.
JENNY JUST CALLED. SHE'S
GOING TO BE A LITTLE LATE.
SORRY ABOUT THAT,
BUT MAKE YOURSELVES
AT HOME, AND I'LL, UH...
OH, I'LL HELP YOU WITH THESE.
THANK YOU, VERY MUCH.
SUBARU LOVED YOU.
WHAT?
YEAH, YOU'RE THEIR GIRL.
YOU'RE THEIR A-NUMBER-ONE
TENNIS-PLAYING BABE.
I GOT IT?
YEAH, YOU GOT IT.
YEAH, DONE DEAL.
GODDAMN LOVED YOUR FUCKING GUTS.
I GOT IT?
YEAH.
WHO DO YOU LOVE?
WHO DO YOU LOVE?
YOU!
THAT'S RIGHT.
OH, MY GOSH.
ALL RIGHT, YOU'RE
SWEATING ON ME.
YOU GOT SWEAT ALL OVER MY SUIT.
[KNOCKS]
JENNY, HEY. LET ME
GRAB THAT FOR YOU.
HI. HOW ARE YOU?
GOOD. HOW ARE YOU DOING?
NICE TO SEE YOU.
I MISSED YOU.
HI. NICE TO SEE YOU.
HI.
HELLO.
SO, I GOT EIGHT OF THOSE
LITTLE CHOCOLATE
DESSERT THINGS...
VERY EXPENSIVE...
THANK YOU.
SO CHILI'S READY, YOU'RE NOT.
IF YOU CAN RUN AND GET CHANGED,
IT WOULD BE GREAT, OKAY?
UM...
I'LL SEE YOU... IN A SECOND.
JEN, I JUST RAN INTO
HER AT THE PLANET.
WHY ARE YOU SO UPSET?
BECAUSE I DIDN'T KNOW
THAT SHE WAS GOING
TO BE HERE, OKAY?
IT JUST KIND OF SUCKS.
I HAVE NOTHING TO WEAR. FUCK!
OKAY, THIS IS FINE.
IT'S FINE.
LOOK, I JUST DON'T GET...
CAN YOU SHUT THE
DOOR, PLEASE? THANK YOU.
I DON'T GET WHAT
THE BIG DEAL IS.
DID SOMETHING HAPPEN
BETWEEN YOU TWO?
NO, NOTHING HAPPENED.
I DON'T LIKE HER, OKAY?
SHE HAS THIS, YOU KNOW,
THIS WAY OF ACTING LIKE...
SHE KNOWS EVERYTHING,
BUT I'M GOING TO GO OUT THERE
AND JUST GET THIS OVER WITH.
JEN, STOP FOR A SECOND.
JEN... STOP.
WE ARE NOT GOING TO LET
THIS RUIN OUR EVENING. OKAY?
WE'RE GOING TO
GO BACK OUT THERE,
WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A GOOD TIME,
AND WHATEVER COMPETITIVE
THING YOU HAVE GOING WITH MARINA,
JUST TALK TO HER.
YOU KNOW, KISS AND MAKE UP,
OR WHATEVER YOU WOMEN DO.
WHOO!
EVERYBODY, EVERYBODY,
PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER
AND WELCOME REBECCA THATCHER
DOING SIR MIXALOT'S
"I LIKE BIG BUTTS". HEY!
WHY DID WE COME TO KAROKE NIGHT?
SHE'S HERE!
FUCKING GABBY DEVEAUX, AGAIN?
YOU INVITED HER, DIDN'T YOU, AL?
NO! GOD.
I MIGHT'VE MENTIONED
THAT WE MIGHT BE HERE...
LOOK, SHE HAD A
REALLY GOOD EXCUSE
THE OTHER NIGHT.
YEAH, SHE'S A POOR EXCUSE
FOR A DECENT HUMAN BEING.
SHE'S REALLY CHANGED, SHANE.
OKAY? YOU KNOW?
SHE'S A LOT BETTER
THAN SHE USED TO BE.
RIGHT.
WHOA. DID YOU SEE HER BOOTS?
HOT, HOT, HOT!
AL, YOU GET WITH HER,
AND I WILL KILL YOU.
SHE'LL STEP ON YOUR DIGNITY
WITH THOSE BOOTS.
TRUST ME.
THANK YOU.
YOU LOOK LIKE A
RENAISSANCE PAINTING.
OH... GOSH. THANK YOU.
EVERYONE, BEFORE WE START,
JENNY AND I HAVE A
LITTLE ANNOUNCEMENT
WE'D LIKE TO MAKE.
TIM...
YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED?
THAT'S WONDERFUL.
CONGRATULATIONS, YOU GUYS.
CONGRATULATIONS.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THAT DESERVES A TOAST.
ALL RIGHT.
CHEERS.
THANK YOU.
SO CAN WE DIG IN?
PLEASE DO.
ALICE, DON'T TURN AROUND.
ALICE...
I KNOW YOU'RE NOT IGNORING ME.
I WAS... BUSY. I WAS TALKING.
EXCUSE ME,
HAVE ANY OF YOU SEEN
BETTE AND TINA HERE TONIGHT?
NO, THEY HAD, LIKE, A
DINNER PARTY OR SOMETHING.
OKAY. THANKS. I'LL
CHECK YOU ALL LATER.
BYE, KIT.
OKAY.
ANYWAY, I...
ABOUT THAT STORY,
I THINK THEY'RE INTERESTED
IN THE WHOLE CHART THING,
AND, UM... THE GUYS
AT THE MAGAZINE
LOOKED PRETTY INTERESTED IN IT,
AND UM... SOMETHING ABOUT THE...
YEAH, THEY LIKED THE
WAY I LINKED THE EDITOR
TO ME... IN, LIKE, THREE MOVES.
ALICE?
[KICKS TABLE]
WHAT?
IT'S... IT'S COOL.
MAY I HAVE A GLASS?
SURE.
LET ME SEE YOUR RING.
ARE YOU HAPPY?
DON'T ASK ME THAT.
OH, SORRY.
I WAS ADMIRING JENNY'S RING.
ISN'T IT BEAUTIFUL?
IT IS BEAUTIFUL.
TIM HAS GREAT TASTE.
YEAH, HE DOES.
I'M...
I'M REALLY...
I'M JUST REALLY NOT USED
TO THE WAY THIS FEELS...
THIS RING.
[KNOCKING]
YES?
HI.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
I KNOW IT'S NOT MY PLACE
TO JUDGE YOU, MARINA,
AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S
GOING ON WITH YOU AND JENNY,
BUT I THINK THIS IS WRONG.
I'M SORRY YOU FEEL THAT WAY...
BUT I DON'T THINK I'VE
DONE ANYTHING WRONG.
FIRST QUESTION.
IF YOU HAD ONLY
ONE DAY LEFT TO LIVE,
HOW WOULD YOU LIVE IT?
JENNY...
YES.
OH, UM...
I WOULD PROBABLY SPEND
THE WHOLE DAY AND NIGHT
WRITING,
UNTIL I FELT AS THOUGH
I'D LEFT SOMETHING BEHIND
THAT I WAS PROUD OF.
YOU MEAN YOU WOULDN'T
SPEND IT WITH ME?
REALLY, HUH?
I WOULD BE LYING ON A BEACH,
SIPPING RUM AND READING BORGES.
AND I WOULD BE WITH YOU,
BECAUSE JENNY WOULD BE
OFF SOMEWHERE WRITING.
I NEED TO LEAVE.
NAKED IN TAHITI.
THAT'S THE WAY TO DO IT.
YOU GUYS, BETTE HAS
THIS THROBBING HEADACHE,
AND SHE HAS HAD IT
SINCE EARLY THIS MORNING,
SO I'M GOING TO TAKE HER HOME.
OH. CAN I GET YOU SOME ADVIL?
NO, NO, I'M JUST GOING
TO PUT HER TO BED.
SHE'LL BE FINE,
BUT THANKS, IT WAS
SUCH A GREAT EVENING.
IT WAS NICE MEETING YOU.
NICE MEETING YOU.
CONGRATULATIONS.
THANK YOU.
BYE, BETTE,
I HOPE YOU FEEL BETTER.
I'M SURE I WILL. THANKS.
WHAT HAPPENED?
MARINA AND JENNY.
WHAT MAKES YOU SO SURE?
BELIEVE ME. I SAW THEM.
THEY WERE GETTING REAL CLOSE
IN THE KITCHEN.
WELL, MAYBE THEY
WERE JUST TALKING.
I'M SURE IF ANYTHING HAPPENED,
IT WAS PROBABLY
JUST A ONE-TIME THING.
MAYBE TIM KNOWS.
TIM DOESN'T KNOW.
THEY WERE IN THERE
MAKING A FOOL OF HIM.
WHY ARE YOU BEING SO JUDGMENTAL?
AND WHY ARE YOU BEING SO BLASE?
DON'T THINK YOU'RE MAKING
TOO MUCH OUT OF THIS?
NO.
WELL, IT'S NOT
THAT BIG OF A DEAL.
WHY? JUST BECAUSE
MARINA'S A WOMAN,
IT DOESN'T COUNT?
OH, YEAH, BETTE,
THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I THINK.
WELL, THOSE ARE
REALLY GREAT VALUES
TO PASS ONTO OUR
KID, AREN'T THEY, TINA?
YOU MEAN YOU'RE PREGNANT?
JESUS!
AND NO ONE WAS GOING TO TELL ME?
HI, KIT.
I DON'T KNOW. WE DON'T KNOW YET.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS
HAVE TO BREAK IN?
LOOK, I'M GOING TO
GO TO BED, YOU GUYS.
YOU CAN'T.
I NEED TO TALK TO BOTH OF YOU.
IT'S NOT A GOOD TIME.
WELL, IF I DON'T DO IT NOW,
THEN I AM GOING
TO LOSE MY NERVE.
IF YOU DON'T DO WHAT?
START MAKING AMENDS.
IS THIS A 12-STEP THING?
YEAH,
AND I HAVE TO DO THIS,
OR I'M NOT GOING TO
GET MY LICENSE BACK.
SO IT'S A REQUIREMENT. I
MEAN, YOU DON'T EVEN MEAN IT.
YOU'RE JUST GOING TO
GO THROUGH THE MOTIONS...
NO, IT'S NOT. I REALLY MEAN IT.
LIKE YOU DO ALL THE TIME.
I REALLY MEAN IT,
AND I'VE DONE A LOT
OF THINKING ABOUT IT,
AND I WROTE A LIST THAT
I WANTED YOU TO LOOK AT
TO SEE IF THERE'S ANYTHING,
YOU KNOW, THAT I FORGOT.
OKAY...
BETTE, I HAVE TO DO THIS.
I APOLOGIZE FOR THE
TIME I YELLED AT YOU
WHEN YOU WERE 10,
AND YOU HID IN THE GARAGE
TO LISTEN TO MY BAND PRACTICE.
I APOLOGIZE THAT
I DIDN'T TURN UP
FOR YOUR 12th BIRTHDAY
PARTY AFTER PROMISING I WOULD,
AND I APOLOGIZE
FOR HIDING MY STASH
IN YOUR TEDDY BEAR
AND LETTING DADDY REAM YOU
EVEN THOUGH HE KNEW IT WAS MINE,
AND I APOLOGIZE FOR
DISAPPEARING FROM YOUR LIFE
FOR SO MANY YEARS.
[SIGHS]
COME ON, HELP ME OUT
HERE. YOU KNOW I MEAN IT.
BETTE, YOU KNOW IT'S JUST
NOT THAT EASY FOR HER!
WELL, I GUESS I FUCKED THAT UP.
NO, YOU DIDN'T.
IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.
[SIGHS HEAVILY]
HEY!
SO DID YOU HEAR FROM SUBARU?
DID YOU GET IT?
I DID IT.
OH, MY GOD! THAT IS FANTASTIC.
I KNEW YOU WOULD.
THANKS.
WELL, THEY'RE LUCKY TO HAVE YOU.
OH, THANKS.
WELL, UM, GOOD NIGHT.
GOOD NIGHT.
JUST IN CASE YOU
WERE STILL WONDERING.
HI.
WELL, HEY.
I LIKE YOUR BOOTS.
HI.
HI.
ARE YOU, UM, WITH ANYONE?
UM... NO.
HEY!
I'VE GOT SOMETHING TO SAY!
THERE'S A MENACE IN THE HOUSE.
SHE'S A USER...
AND A FUCKER,
AND SHE HAS PROBABLY
FUCKED YOU, AND YOU,
AND YOU...
AND THERE SHE IS!
ON THE PROWL FOR ANOTHER GIRL
TO FUCK AND LEAVE!
SO TELL HER, "NO MORE!"
STOP THE MENACE!
I AM SORRY.
STOP THE MENACE!
COME ON! STOP THE MENACE!
STOP THE MENACE!
I THINK YOU'RE RIGHT
TO HAVE SUCH STRONG CONVICTIONS.
IT MAKES YOU WHO YOU ARE.
IT SETS YOU APART.
I LOVE YOU FOR THAT.
I DO.
[SPEAKING FRENCH]
YES.
OUI. THANK YOU.
GOODBYE, TIM.
IT WAS WONDERFUL.
THANK YOU.
JENNY, YOU HAVE A
WONDERFUL HOME.
THANK YOU.
WOW. HEY, JUST ONE QUESTION.
WHO IS IN LOVE WITH THAT WOMAN?
COUNT ME IN.
I'M ONLY HUMAN.
THE WOMAN HAS A CHARM THAT
GOES WAY BEYOND THE FACT
THAT SHE'S JUST... STUNNING.
YES. JENNY...
DON'T YOU HAVE JUST
A LITTLE CRUSH ON HER?
NO.
[♪♪♪]