The Kominsky Method (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Chapter 3: A Prostate Enlarges - full transcript
Chapter 3: A Prostate Enlarges.
[low buzz of conversation]
The thing is, it was probably
six or seven years ago...
Oh, thank you.
[man] My condolences.
Thank you for coming.
Norman, forgive me for saying this,
but when you sit shivah for a loved one,
all the mirrors in the house
are supposed to be covered.
I know. I'm just not that kind of Jew.
Really?
And what kind of Jew are you?
I'm... I'm the atheist kind.
Condolences.
Enjoy the shrimp.
I know this is a difficult time,
but try not to be an asshole.
If he didn't want to be insulted,
he shouldn't have become a rabbi.
But on the upside,
Mindy told me
that the funeral's on Twitter.
No kidding?
Yeah. Apparently we're "trendy."
Leno sure did a good job.
Respectful but funny.
I like that he's still bitter about me.
Shows I made an impact.
Well, I think Eileen would've approved.
I know she approved.
- Oh, you know?
- I know.
- Okay.
- [Phoebe] Hey, Rabbi.
Shalom, baby.
And Phoebe came.
We're supposed to love our children
unconditionally.
Such nonsense.
Is there a Mrs. Rabbi?
I don't know if I can forgive her, Sandy.
You will. You've just got to allow
some healing to take place.
You know, it's a... a process.
You done with the platitudes?
I don't have to be. I mean, you want more?
- No.
- A stitch in time means nine.
- Yeah.
- A bird in the hand is worth something.
- I forget what.
- All right.
So I'm only asking
because my husband turned out to be gay
and it really ruined our sex life.
Well, I'm sorry to hear that. Uh...
Did you try lying on your stomach?
Oh, I tried everything.
I mean, come on, you'd think, like,
a hole is a hole is a hole, you know?
You'd think.
Yeah, uh, nice, uh...
It was nice talking to you.
Oh. Are we done?
So that's a story, huh?
Yeah. She used to babysit me.
- You're kidding?
- Yeah.
I remember once she took me to see
Troop Beverly Hills.
Oh, that's nice.
Kind of.
She sat behind me
and gave her boyfriend a hand job.
Oh, God!
Yeah. Good movie, though.
- Shelley Long?
- Yeah.
- Ah.
- Mm-hm.
- Norman.
- Yeah.
I made up this plate for you.
Oh, no... no thanks. I'm not hungry.
Uh... I am.
The food's in the kitchen.
I'm so very sorry for your loss.
- Well, thank you. Thank you.
- Uh...
Eileen was such a... a great lady.
- One of a kind.
- Yes, she was.
- Norman, I brought you a plate.
- I got this.
And she loved you so very much.
- Excuse me.
- Where are you going?
I... I'm going to the bathroom.
- Again?
- Yes, again. Are you counting?
Yeah, I am.
You're closing in on double digits.
Oh, I appreciate your concern.
I'll dedicate this one to you.
Norman, listen to me.
- Mmm. Yes.
- I know that your instinct
is to go through all of this by yourself,
but that's wrong.
Huh.
It really does take a village.
- It does?
- Yes.
Let me be your village.
But you're just one person.
Exactly.
[urinating intermittently]
[sighs] So that's it?
Now we're trickling?
♪ Raindrops keep falling on my head ♪
[humming]
[sighs]
This is the last chance
before I put you away.
[glass clinking loudly]
Excuse me!
Excuse me!
Hi. Hi!
Um...
I would like to make a toast to my mother,
Eileen Newlander.
You all knew her
as a loving and generous woman.
She was always ready to give her time
and her money
to those in need.
Yeah.
[sniffles] She was there for anyone
who didn't come out of her vagina.
- Oh!
- Okay, that's it.
Let's go.
- Should I have said C-section?
- Come on.
Hey.
Hi. Where you been?
- Bathroom.
- Again?
What's with everybody counting?
I'm not counting. I just noticed.
- What's wrong?
- Nothing's wrong.
I think something's going on
with his prostate.
Excuse me. I'd rather my daughter
not discuss my prostate.
It's nothing to be embarrassed about.
My ex had all kinds of prostate problems.
It's treatable.
Okay, I'm gonna say it again.
I don't want to discuss
my prostate with my child.
Or hear about
your husband's prostate.
Ex-husband.
- Did he have prostate cancer?
- Yep.
- Oh.
- But they took it out and it's fine.
- Was he able to...
- Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah. With Viagra.
Okay, I'm walkin' away here.
Goin' back to the bathroom?
Maybe.
Hmm. Well...
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
Oh, here you are hiding.
Dianne, please.
For 46 years, I've lived in one village.
It was a wonderful village. It was warm.
Nice huts. And I'm sorry,
but from here on, I'm just gonna...
I'm gonna be village-less. I'm a nomad.
What are you talking about?
What are you talking about?
I need my coat.
It's the tan one with the gold buttons.
I'm sorry.
Phoebe.
Jesus. Phoebe!
Phoebe!
- Phoebe!
- [snores]
Jesus.
[grunting]
Phoebe!
Can I buy you a new coat?
Oh, hey.
Thanks.
Thank you for a lovely... funeral.
- Hah! You're welcome.
- [chuckles]
Can't wait to tell all my friends
that Barbra Streisand hit on me.
Hah! Don't flatter yourself.
He hit on me, too!
So are you, uh... are you
staying at Norman's tonight?
No, I'm gonna
give him a little space with his daughter.
Mmm. Good plan.
I, uh... I'd, uh, invite you in,
but, uh... my son is, uh...
I understand.
Thanks.
Good night.
[sighs]
Uh-oh. [sighs]
[sighs]
[sighs]
This is complete and utter bullshit.
[urinating]
[exhales]
- [Sandy]Very good.
- [applause]
Okay, who wants to go next?
- Jude, please present.
- Thanks.
I've been thinking a lot
about what you said to me last class.
You've been thinking?
- Well, that's encouraging.
- Yeah.
You said that I'm relying too much
on how I look
and not challenging myself as an actor,
so I decided to do something that's gonna
take me out of my comfort zone.
Terrific. What did you pick?
A monologue from Ma Rainey's Black Bottom
by August Wilson.
- Really?
- Yep.
You're... you're sure about this?
[exhales]
Okay, let's... let's see it.
Levee's gots to be Levee.
And he don't need nobody
messin' around with him
about the white man.
'Cause you don't know nothin' about me!
You don't know Levee.
You don't know
what type of blood I got!
What type of heart I got
beatin' in here!
I was eight years old
when a gang of the white mens...
come inside of my daddy's house
and have to do my mama
any way they wanted, and...
- Excuse me. I...
- Ah!
I'm sorry.
I don't think I'm comfortable with this.
Me neither.
Why not?
I don't know. It just, um...
It just seems wrong.
Well, I don't think that that's your call.
I mean, is it wrong?
Why are you askin' me?
I think if you look past how
super fucked up it is, it's very brave.
[laughing] Super-duper fucked up.
I mean, just because I'm not black
doesn't mean I can't be offended.
I mean, I'm allowed to be offended, right?
- Or is it offensive just to ask?
- Mm.
Okay.
Everybody better stop lookin' at me
or shit will go down.
Sandy, you may wanna weigh in on this.
[knocking]
- Dad, you in there?
- [students arguing]
[Sandy] Yeah.
We've got a racially charged situation
happening in class. Are you gonna be long?
[sighs]
I don't know.
I don't know what to do.
Do... Do we put her in another rehab?
Unless she wants to get sober,
I don't see the point.
Well, we can't do nothing.
Are you sure?
Maybe it's time to let her hit bottom.
What's bottom? Uh, uh...
Homeless? In a mental institution? Jail?
I don't know.
I know that what we've been doing
isn't working, so...
- [sighs]
- Hey.
It's gonna be okay.
You'll see.
This is not good.
No shit.
Hey.
Hi.
Um...
Am I interrupting?
Course not. Sit down.
You sure?
Yeah, sit.
- [sighs]
- Want some coffee?
No. It just makes me pee.
Well, it's a diuretic.
You wouldn't happen to have a, uh...
urologist that you like?
Like?
No one likes their urologist,
but I do have a good one.
I need his number.
I already gave it to Mindy.
She's gonna make you an appointment.
Jesus, everything in my pants
is public knowledge.
I'm just glad
you're not in denial anymore.
Norman,
yesterday I kissed a woman goodnight
and then urinated on her bush.
I'm sorry?
The bush outside her house.
Ah.
Yeah, that's... that's
a slow, dripping cry for help.
Dad?
You mind if I have some friends over?
Yes, I mind,
and go and put some clothes on!
It's just Sandy. What's he gonna do?
Hey! Hey! Hey! Come on!
What am I supposed to do with her?
I don't know.
I guess just love her.
[sighs]
You're useless.
Okay.
And fill these out,
and the doctor will see you shortly.
Thank you.
Just so you know,
I'm here for penis reduction surgery.
Okay.
Been getting some complaints lately.
Got it.
[sighs]
[groans]
[dripping continues]
Jesus Christ.
The sad part is, that water cooler
has a better flow than I do.
[laughing]
How often do you have to come here?
Not cool, man.
Not cool.
Oh, for Christ's sake.
Whatever happened to hanging things up?
I don't believe this!
- You're stealing drugs from your mother?
- What?
What kind...
- Ah!
- What kind of a person does that?
What kind of a person steals drugs
from their mother?
It's not that big of a deal.
I hurt my back, I was looking for Advil,
- and I found that stuff.
- Oh, you hurt your back?
Really? Really? How'd you hurt your back?
[laughing]
- It was a pretty silly story, actually...
- Liar!
So there's nothin' else goin' on,
besides the frequent urination?
No. I mean,
I have had a little bronchial irritation,
but that's kinda out of your purview,
isn't it?
[laughing] Yeah.
Anyway, we're gonna do some tests
and make sure
there's nothin' serious goin' on.
What do you mean by "serious"?
Cancer.
Oh, right. Right.
But, uh... based on your symptoms,
I... I would say we're dealin'
with prostatic hyperplasia.
Which means?
You've got a big prostate.
Which means?
It means you're gonna pee a lot.
Can you tell me something I don't know?
I got to second base
with my nurse last night.
That's an old joke, but I did.
Congratulations.
What about my prostate?
Well...
We have options.
There's drugs
and there's transurethral resection.
And what's involved with that?
I drill through your penis and core out
your prostate like a Roto-Rooter.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, it's... it's an exciting time
to be a urologist.
But let's not get ahead of ourselves.
Drop your drawers.
Lay on your side over there.
I'll poke around in there
and see what we got.
[sighs] You keep saying "we."
You complete me. [chuckles]
I gotta ask,
when you were a young guy in med school,
what made you decide
to become a urologist?
I get asked that a lot.
And the answer is?
Variety.
Dicks are like snowflakes.
There's no two alike.
Say "Ah."
- [squelching]
- Ah!
Why'd you come back? Is it money?
Because you should know
that you're not in your mother's will.
It all goes to me, and when I'm gone,
I'm leaving it to charity.
Good, because I don't want your money!
Well, you're not getting any!
[slams door]
Phoebe?
Phoebe!
Are you taking drugs?
I am taking a dump!
I just need a minute.
The Percoset makes me constipated.
Well, you don't deserve it,
but there's Metamucil under the sink.
Thank you, Daddy.
Yeah.
- All right, now bear down on me.
- [groans]
That's it. Bear down.
'Cause I've gotta... Come on.
Push, push!
You know, the funny thing is,
even gay guys don't like this.
That's hilarious.
Push, push, push! I've gotta touch it.
Push! I've gotta feel it with my finger.
- Ah!
- Quick! There you go.
That's it. That's...
Ooh.
Oh, that's a big, old prostate.
Any chance that my ass is just shrinking?
[laughs]
That's a good one. I'm gonna use that.
Here. Here, wipe.
What, no spooning?
- That one, I heard before.
- Ugh.
[sighs] Now what?
Now we check your PSA test,
see if you've got any cancer.
And how long does that take?
- Ah, a couple of days.
- And if there is?
We do a biopsy
and see if it's snail, turtle, or rabbit.
What?
Well, snail, slow-moving, no worries.
Turtle, little faster, some worries.
Rabbit...
Floppy-eared and adorable?
Sure.
Daddy?
What?
[sobbing] I'm sorry.
Please save the tears
for somebody who buys it.
No, seriously. I'm really sorry.
Why didn't you ever visit?
Do you have any idea
how much that hurt your mother?
I, uh, don't have a good reason.
Give me a bad one.
I didn't think she was gonna die.
[chuckles]
You know, I was very busy.
You were busy!
[sighs]
I don't know what else to say.
All right.
Moving on. What are your plans now?
Well...
I was thinking I would stay with you
for a little while.
Really?
Would that be okay?
What about your apartment in New York?
- Well, that is a pretty funny story.
- Stop!
Okay, who's next?
Uh, Breana. What do you got?
Well, I was thinkin' about Jude
doin' that August Wilson piece,
and it got me thinkin'
maybe I should push myself
into somethin' out of my comfort zone.
Okay. Taking chances. I like it.
So I'm gonna do a monologue
from The Boys in the Band.
Oh, Christ.
Okay, let's see it.
What I am, Michael,
is a 32-year-old,
ugly, pock-marked Jew fairy.
And if it takes me a while
to pull myself together,
and if I have to smoke a little grass
before I get up the nerve
to show my face to the world,
it's nobody's goddamn business but my own.
All right. All right.
Let's pause right there.
Thank you.
Isn't such a brave choice now, is it?
What Jude did was stupid.
You're being homophobic.
- Thank you.
- All right, that's enough.
Breana, grab your seat.
Listen to me, all right?
None of this matters.
None of this is worth getting
offended over. This is all bullshit.
Doesn't matter whether you're black,
or gay, or...
- Irish, French, and German.
- Sure.
- I did 23andMe.
- That's great.
Doesn't matter because inside
we're all exactly the same.
The life in you, in you, and you,
and you is the same life.
Same electricity,
just lighting up a different bulb.
If you really want to get offended,
try cancerous glands in your asshole.
Excuse me.
I don't get it.
I think it's from a Mamet play.
So, my darling, how was your day?
I had a strange little man
stick his finger up my ass.
Oof.
- I envy you.
- Hm!
How long is Phoebe staying?
I didn't ask.
I find everything with Phoebe
is easier if I don't ask.
Mm. The willful pursuit of ignorance.
- That's smart.
- Yeah.
Any news on the prostate front?
No. Just trying to stay cool.
Waiting for the results of the blood test.
Is eating spicy food your way of thumbing
your nose at the specter of death?
You are very wise.
I am a fountain. Drink from me.
We will be punished for eating so late.
Two TUMS and a Prilosec before bedtime,
and a thin pillow under your shoulders to
elevate your upper torso while sleeping.
Really?
Drink from me.
Haven't seen you in a while.
Yeah. I've been, uh... you know, busy.
I think I just have a few shirts.
Okay, here we are.
So sorry. The dress was here a long time.
Must not have been picked up.
Oh, my God.
Oh! [sniffles]
[sobs]
Sorry.
[sobbing]
The thing is, it was probably
six or seven years ago...
Oh, thank you.
[man] My condolences.
Thank you for coming.
Norman, forgive me for saying this,
but when you sit shivah for a loved one,
all the mirrors in the house
are supposed to be covered.
I know. I'm just not that kind of Jew.
Really?
And what kind of Jew are you?
I'm... I'm the atheist kind.
Condolences.
Enjoy the shrimp.
I know this is a difficult time,
but try not to be an asshole.
If he didn't want to be insulted,
he shouldn't have become a rabbi.
But on the upside,
Mindy told me
that the funeral's on Twitter.
No kidding?
Yeah. Apparently we're "trendy."
Leno sure did a good job.
Respectful but funny.
I like that he's still bitter about me.
Shows I made an impact.
Well, I think Eileen would've approved.
I know she approved.
- Oh, you know?
- I know.
- Okay.
- [Phoebe] Hey, Rabbi.
Shalom, baby.
And Phoebe came.
We're supposed to love our children
unconditionally.
Such nonsense.
Is there a Mrs. Rabbi?
I don't know if I can forgive her, Sandy.
You will. You've just got to allow
some healing to take place.
You know, it's a... a process.
You done with the platitudes?
I don't have to be. I mean, you want more?
- No.
- A stitch in time means nine.
- Yeah.
- A bird in the hand is worth something.
- I forget what.
- All right.
So I'm only asking
because my husband turned out to be gay
and it really ruined our sex life.
Well, I'm sorry to hear that. Uh...
Did you try lying on your stomach?
Oh, I tried everything.
I mean, come on, you'd think, like,
a hole is a hole is a hole, you know?
You'd think.
Yeah, uh, nice, uh...
It was nice talking to you.
Oh. Are we done?
So that's a story, huh?
Yeah. She used to babysit me.
- You're kidding?
- Yeah.
I remember once she took me to see
Troop Beverly Hills.
Oh, that's nice.
Kind of.
She sat behind me
and gave her boyfriend a hand job.
Oh, God!
Yeah. Good movie, though.
- Shelley Long?
- Yeah.
- Ah.
- Mm-hm.
- Norman.
- Yeah.
I made up this plate for you.
Oh, no... no thanks. I'm not hungry.
Uh... I am.
The food's in the kitchen.
I'm so very sorry for your loss.
- Well, thank you. Thank you.
- Uh...
Eileen was such a... a great lady.
- One of a kind.
- Yes, she was.
- Norman, I brought you a plate.
- I got this.
And she loved you so very much.
- Excuse me.
- Where are you going?
I... I'm going to the bathroom.
- Again?
- Yes, again. Are you counting?
Yeah, I am.
You're closing in on double digits.
Oh, I appreciate your concern.
I'll dedicate this one to you.
Norman, listen to me.
- Mmm. Yes.
- I know that your instinct
is to go through all of this by yourself,
but that's wrong.
Huh.
It really does take a village.
- It does?
- Yes.
Let me be your village.
But you're just one person.
Exactly.
[urinating intermittently]
[sighs] So that's it?
Now we're trickling?
♪ Raindrops keep falling on my head ♪
[humming]
[sighs]
This is the last chance
before I put you away.
[glass clinking loudly]
Excuse me!
Excuse me!
Hi. Hi!
Um...
I would like to make a toast to my mother,
Eileen Newlander.
You all knew her
as a loving and generous woman.
She was always ready to give her time
and her money
to those in need.
Yeah.
[sniffles] She was there for anyone
who didn't come out of her vagina.
- Oh!
- Okay, that's it.
Let's go.
- Should I have said C-section?
- Come on.
Hey.
Hi. Where you been?
- Bathroom.
- Again?
What's with everybody counting?
I'm not counting. I just noticed.
- What's wrong?
- Nothing's wrong.
I think something's going on
with his prostate.
Excuse me. I'd rather my daughter
not discuss my prostate.
It's nothing to be embarrassed about.
My ex had all kinds of prostate problems.
It's treatable.
Okay, I'm gonna say it again.
I don't want to discuss
my prostate with my child.
Or hear about
your husband's prostate.
Ex-husband.
- Did he have prostate cancer?
- Yep.
- Oh.
- But they took it out and it's fine.
- Was he able to...
- Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah. With Viagra.
Okay, I'm walkin' away here.
Goin' back to the bathroom?
Maybe.
Hmm. Well...
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
Oh, here you are hiding.
Dianne, please.
For 46 years, I've lived in one village.
It was a wonderful village. It was warm.
Nice huts. And I'm sorry,
but from here on, I'm just gonna...
I'm gonna be village-less. I'm a nomad.
What are you talking about?
What are you talking about?
I need my coat.
It's the tan one with the gold buttons.
I'm sorry.
Phoebe.
Jesus. Phoebe!
Phoebe!
- Phoebe!
- [snores]
Jesus.
[grunting]
Phoebe!
Can I buy you a new coat?
Oh, hey.
Thanks.
Thank you for a lovely... funeral.
- Hah! You're welcome.
- [chuckles]
Can't wait to tell all my friends
that Barbra Streisand hit on me.
Hah! Don't flatter yourself.
He hit on me, too!
So are you, uh... are you
staying at Norman's tonight?
No, I'm gonna
give him a little space with his daughter.
Mmm. Good plan.
I, uh... I'd, uh, invite you in,
but, uh... my son is, uh...
I understand.
Thanks.
Good night.
[sighs]
Uh-oh. [sighs]
[sighs]
[sighs]
This is complete and utter bullshit.
[urinating]
[exhales]
- [Sandy]Very good.
- [applause]
Okay, who wants to go next?
- Jude, please present.
- Thanks.
I've been thinking a lot
about what you said to me last class.
You've been thinking?
- Well, that's encouraging.
- Yeah.
You said that I'm relying too much
on how I look
and not challenging myself as an actor,
so I decided to do something that's gonna
take me out of my comfort zone.
Terrific. What did you pick?
A monologue from Ma Rainey's Black Bottom
by August Wilson.
- Really?
- Yep.
You're... you're sure about this?
[exhales]
Okay, let's... let's see it.
Levee's gots to be Levee.
And he don't need nobody
messin' around with him
about the white man.
'Cause you don't know nothin' about me!
You don't know Levee.
You don't know
what type of blood I got!
What type of heart I got
beatin' in here!
I was eight years old
when a gang of the white mens...
come inside of my daddy's house
and have to do my mama
any way they wanted, and...
- Excuse me. I...
- Ah!
I'm sorry.
I don't think I'm comfortable with this.
Me neither.
Why not?
I don't know. It just, um...
It just seems wrong.
Well, I don't think that that's your call.
I mean, is it wrong?
Why are you askin' me?
I think if you look past how
super fucked up it is, it's very brave.
[laughing] Super-duper fucked up.
I mean, just because I'm not black
doesn't mean I can't be offended.
I mean, I'm allowed to be offended, right?
- Or is it offensive just to ask?
- Mm.
Okay.
Everybody better stop lookin' at me
or shit will go down.
Sandy, you may wanna weigh in on this.
[knocking]
- Dad, you in there?
- [students arguing]
[Sandy] Yeah.
We've got a racially charged situation
happening in class. Are you gonna be long?
[sighs]
I don't know.
I don't know what to do.
Do... Do we put her in another rehab?
Unless she wants to get sober,
I don't see the point.
Well, we can't do nothing.
Are you sure?
Maybe it's time to let her hit bottom.
What's bottom? Uh, uh...
Homeless? In a mental institution? Jail?
I don't know.
I know that what we've been doing
isn't working, so...
- [sighs]
- Hey.
It's gonna be okay.
You'll see.
This is not good.
No shit.
Hey.
Hi.
Um...
Am I interrupting?
Course not. Sit down.
You sure?
Yeah, sit.
- [sighs]
- Want some coffee?
No. It just makes me pee.
Well, it's a diuretic.
You wouldn't happen to have a, uh...
urologist that you like?
Like?
No one likes their urologist,
but I do have a good one.
I need his number.
I already gave it to Mindy.
She's gonna make you an appointment.
Jesus, everything in my pants
is public knowledge.
I'm just glad
you're not in denial anymore.
Norman,
yesterday I kissed a woman goodnight
and then urinated on her bush.
I'm sorry?
The bush outside her house.
Ah.
Yeah, that's... that's
a slow, dripping cry for help.
Dad?
You mind if I have some friends over?
Yes, I mind,
and go and put some clothes on!
It's just Sandy. What's he gonna do?
Hey! Hey! Hey! Come on!
What am I supposed to do with her?
I don't know.
I guess just love her.
[sighs]
You're useless.
Okay.
And fill these out,
and the doctor will see you shortly.
Thank you.
Just so you know,
I'm here for penis reduction surgery.
Okay.
Been getting some complaints lately.
Got it.
[sighs]
[groans]
[dripping continues]
Jesus Christ.
The sad part is, that water cooler
has a better flow than I do.
[laughing]
How often do you have to come here?
Not cool, man.
Not cool.
Oh, for Christ's sake.
Whatever happened to hanging things up?
I don't believe this!
- You're stealing drugs from your mother?
- What?
What kind...
- Ah!
- What kind of a person does that?
What kind of a person steals drugs
from their mother?
It's not that big of a deal.
I hurt my back, I was looking for Advil,
- and I found that stuff.
- Oh, you hurt your back?
Really? Really? How'd you hurt your back?
[laughing]
- It was a pretty silly story, actually...
- Liar!
So there's nothin' else goin' on,
besides the frequent urination?
No. I mean,
I have had a little bronchial irritation,
but that's kinda out of your purview,
isn't it?
[laughing] Yeah.
Anyway, we're gonna do some tests
and make sure
there's nothin' serious goin' on.
What do you mean by "serious"?
Cancer.
Oh, right. Right.
But, uh... based on your symptoms,
I... I would say we're dealin'
with prostatic hyperplasia.
Which means?
You've got a big prostate.
Which means?
It means you're gonna pee a lot.
Can you tell me something I don't know?
I got to second base
with my nurse last night.
That's an old joke, but I did.
Congratulations.
What about my prostate?
Well...
We have options.
There's drugs
and there's transurethral resection.
And what's involved with that?
I drill through your penis and core out
your prostate like a Roto-Rooter.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, it's... it's an exciting time
to be a urologist.
But let's not get ahead of ourselves.
Drop your drawers.
Lay on your side over there.
I'll poke around in there
and see what we got.
[sighs] You keep saying "we."
You complete me. [chuckles]
I gotta ask,
when you were a young guy in med school,
what made you decide
to become a urologist?
I get asked that a lot.
And the answer is?
Variety.
Dicks are like snowflakes.
There's no two alike.
Say "Ah."
- [squelching]
- Ah!
Why'd you come back? Is it money?
Because you should know
that you're not in your mother's will.
It all goes to me, and when I'm gone,
I'm leaving it to charity.
Good, because I don't want your money!
Well, you're not getting any!
[slams door]
Phoebe?
Phoebe!
Are you taking drugs?
I am taking a dump!
I just need a minute.
The Percoset makes me constipated.
Well, you don't deserve it,
but there's Metamucil under the sink.
Thank you, Daddy.
Yeah.
- All right, now bear down on me.
- [groans]
That's it. Bear down.
'Cause I've gotta... Come on.
Push, push!
You know, the funny thing is,
even gay guys don't like this.
That's hilarious.
Push, push, push! I've gotta touch it.
Push! I've gotta feel it with my finger.
- Ah!
- Quick! There you go.
That's it. That's...
Ooh.
Oh, that's a big, old prostate.
Any chance that my ass is just shrinking?
[laughs]
That's a good one. I'm gonna use that.
Here. Here, wipe.
What, no spooning?
- That one, I heard before.
- Ugh.
[sighs] Now what?
Now we check your PSA test,
see if you've got any cancer.
And how long does that take?
- Ah, a couple of days.
- And if there is?
We do a biopsy
and see if it's snail, turtle, or rabbit.
What?
Well, snail, slow-moving, no worries.
Turtle, little faster, some worries.
Rabbit...
Floppy-eared and adorable?
Sure.
Daddy?
What?
[sobbing] I'm sorry.
Please save the tears
for somebody who buys it.
No, seriously. I'm really sorry.
Why didn't you ever visit?
Do you have any idea
how much that hurt your mother?
I, uh, don't have a good reason.
Give me a bad one.
I didn't think she was gonna die.
[chuckles]
You know, I was very busy.
You were busy!
[sighs]
I don't know what else to say.
All right.
Moving on. What are your plans now?
Well...
I was thinking I would stay with you
for a little while.
Really?
Would that be okay?
What about your apartment in New York?
- Well, that is a pretty funny story.
- Stop!
Okay, who's next?
Uh, Breana. What do you got?
Well, I was thinkin' about Jude
doin' that August Wilson piece,
and it got me thinkin'
maybe I should push myself
into somethin' out of my comfort zone.
Okay. Taking chances. I like it.
So I'm gonna do a monologue
from The Boys in the Band.
Oh, Christ.
Okay, let's see it.
What I am, Michael,
is a 32-year-old,
ugly, pock-marked Jew fairy.
And if it takes me a while
to pull myself together,
and if I have to smoke a little grass
before I get up the nerve
to show my face to the world,
it's nobody's goddamn business but my own.
All right. All right.
Let's pause right there.
Thank you.
Isn't such a brave choice now, is it?
What Jude did was stupid.
You're being homophobic.
- Thank you.
- All right, that's enough.
Breana, grab your seat.
Listen to me, all right?
None of this matters.
None of this is worth getting
offended over. This is all bullshit.
Doesn't matter whether you're black,
or gay, or...
- Irish, French, and German.
- Sure.
- I did 23andMe.
- That's great.
Doesn't matter because inside
we're all exactly the same.
The life in you, in you, and you,
and you is the same life.
Same electricity,
just lighting up a different bulb.
If you really want to get offended,
try cancerous glands in your asshole.
Excuse me.
I don't get it.
I think it's from a Mamet play.
So, my darling, how was your day?
I had a strange little man
stick his finger up my ass.
Oof.
- I envy you.
- Hm!
How long is Phoebe staying?
I didn't ask.
I find everything with Phoebe
is easier if I don't ask.
Mm. The willful pursuit of ignorance.
- That's smart.
- Yeah.
Any news on the prostate front?
No. Just trying to stay cool.
Waiting for the results of the blood test.
Is eating spicy food your way of thumbing
your nose at the specter of death?
You are very wise.
I am a fountain. Drink from me.
We will be punished for eating so late.
Two TUMS and a Prilosec before bedtime,
and a thin pillow under your shoulders to
elevate your upper torso while sleeping.
Really?
Drink from me.
Haven't seen you in a while.
Yeah. I've been, uh... you know, busy.
I think I just have a few shirts.
Okay, here we are.
So sorry. The dress was here a long time.
Must not have been picked up.
Oh, my God.
Oh! [sniffles]
[sobs]
Sorry.
[sobbing]