The Kominsky Method (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Chapter 2: An Agent Grieves - full transcript
Chapter 2: An Agent Grieves.
Come on.
How's it goin' in there?
Why? You got somewhere to be?
No, you've just...
You’ve been in there a while.
What can I tell you?
I urinate in Morse code.
Dots and dashes.
- Hey.
- Hey. Just checking in.
No, we're okay.
I gave him some soup,
and I'm trying to get him to sleep.
You should probably just spend the night.
No, no. He'll be fine.
- Dad!
- Mindy, I've got this.
Hey, did you drop off Lisa yet?
Yeah. Why?
No reason. Just when you see her again,
try and talk me up a little.
I want her to like me.
You want her to like you?
What are you, in ninth grade?
Come on, help me out here.
Are you worried I might tell her
about how Mom tried to run you over
in the Gelson's parking lot?
Right. Or why.
Relax. I'll make sure she knows
what a great guy you are.
Thanks.
Let me wrap things up here,
and I’ll talk to you tomorrow.
Okay. Bye.
Why?
He wasn't around much
when I was growing up. It's payback.
You think maybe you should call Phoebe?
It's 1:00 a.m. in New York.
A phone call at 1:00 a.m.
is only bad news.
Well, this is kind of bad news, Norman.
Let her sleep. I'll call in the morning.
Are you sure? It's her mother.
I know it's her mother!
You don't think I know it's her mother?
Okay, okay, take it easy.
Would you like to take a guess
at how many times Phoebe came to visit
while Eileen was sick?
No, no, I wouldn’t, no.
Zero! Not once!
Not even a... a, uh... a thing.
The, uh, what is it called?
What's what called?
The computer thing
where you see the person.
Uh, FaceTime?
- No, no. The other one. The made-up word.
- Skype.
Skype. Yeah, that. Not even a Skype!
What a stupid word.
Well, I... uh, I'm sorry.
You know, I didn't know that. I...
Of course you didn't know.
We're civilized people. We keep
our shame and suffering to ourselves.
Where it belongs, sure.
You still think I should wake my daughter
from her Ambien-induced coma and share
the news of her mother's passing?
Maybe buy her a plane ticket
so we could come back and grieve together?
Well, I feel like
you're looking for a "no."
It's my own damn fault.
I spoiled her rotten.
Now she's a selfish, pill-popping mess.
The one smart thing you ever did was
not buy your daughter an Arabian horse.
Oh, that's...
that's very kind of you to say so.
You know, I, uh... I went through
a couple of tough years with Mindy.
You know, we're closer than ever now.
And I'm supposed to take from that what?
Never mind. Just get in bed.
I'll, uh, I'll tuck you in.
You'll tuck me in?
Get in the fucking bed.
Profanity, you know,
is a sign of a lazy mind.
I'm sorry.
Please get into bed.
Much better.
You miserable fuck.
Lazy mind...
Are you going home?
But, soft!
What light through yonder window breaks?
It is the east, and Juliet is the sun.
What?
Yeah, I was going home. Why?
Uh...
No reason. Just asking.
You want me to stay?
No, of course not.
If you want me to stay, I'm happy to stay.
You're happy.
Aren’t you a lucky man?
Norman!
Keep it down! I have neighbors.
Why don't I sleep here tonight,
in case you need anything?
I won't need anything, but thank you.
I appreciate it.
Sure.
I'm locked out!
Try the back door!
Sandy. Sandy!
We have to plan the funeral.
- What?
- Eileen left instructions.
- We need to get started. Come on.
- What time is it?
It’s 4:30.
She wants Jay Leno to emcee
and Patti LaBelle
to sing "Lady Marmalade."
"Lady Marmalade"?
Yes. It was her favorite.
Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?
Can’t we do this in the morning?
You go back to sleep?
No. She was very specific.
No, I... I understand that, Norman.
No, don’t worry about it.
She wants to be buried
in an unpretentious coffin.
Preferably driftwood or recycled timber
from a sunken ship.
Oh, fun. A scavenger hunt.
Aaah.
You’re peeing like me.
Now, about Jay Leno.
She loves him but says he shouldn't
be allowed to go on too long.
Four or five minutes, he's very enjoyable.
After that, he can wear out his welcome.
Got it.
Everything else is written out.
Guest list, catering,
floral arrangements, valet service.
Even the font for the programming.
Palace Script MT.
- Very elegant.
- Aah. I can see that.
I'm hungry.
Ask Streisand to sing "The Way We Were."
Norman,
I don’t think Streisand does funerals.
Listen,
we really need to get started.
How long is your class?
- Hi, Sandy.
- Good morning, ladies.
It's an hour and a half.
An hour and a half? You really have
that much to teach these people?
As a matter of fact, I do.
Spencer Tracy said, "Know your lines
and don't bump into the furniture."
You make it hard
to be your friend, Norman.
I knew Tracy. Mean drunk.
Rumor has it
he ate on both sides of the buffet.
Hey.
Glad you spent the night.
Uh, why don’t you hang out here?
Come here.
- Hi, sweetie.
- Hi.
How are you holdin' up?
I’m okay, I guess.
- Keep an eye on him.
- Sure.
Is he taking good care of you?
- Meh.
- Mmm.
Forgive me
if I'm not really on my game, um...
Last night, um...
Last night, I lost a friend to cancer.
And you know, it's strange.
When I was in that hospital room and...
looking down at a woman that I've known
and loved for more than 40 years...
and I found myself
thinking about all of you.
And I'm always telling you
to pay attention
to what's going on in your lives,
you know?
To experience the feelings
that come up...
no matter how painful.
Because...
that grief, that...
that, um...
unrelenting sorrow,
that’s the raw material.
That’s the gold...
an actor mines
to create great performance.
So my tragedy is your gold?
Duly noted.
Sorry. He wanted to watch you teach.
Norman,
I’m just trying to explain to my class
that acting
is really an extension of living.
It's how we explore
what it is to be human.
- Bullshit!
- Oh, Jesus.
You know what it’s like to be human?
Is that something you wanna know?
Fine, I'll tell you.
It hurts to be human. It hurts like hell.
And all the exploring in the world
doesn't make that hurt go away.
Because being human
and being hurt are the same damn thing!
You look at these prices? What a racket.
Yeah, it's awful. Could we just pick
something and get out of here?
Well, you’re not shopping for tube socks,
you know.
No, we are not.
You know this is a monopoly, right,
like the sunglass business.
One company controlling the whole thing.
I honestly don't know what to say to that.
What can you say? It's a travesty.
You want a casket
made entirely of driftwood?
Or timber from a sunken ship.
Sweet Jesus.
Okay. Uh...
I'm not saying it can't be done,
but it would be a special order
which would take some time.
Have you considered bronze or copper?
No. Too impersonal
and it’s not biodegradable.
Look, um... Woody,
I think what we need here
is something that's recyclable.
Eco-friendly. I understand.
Is your real name Woodrow?
Yes.
You should go by that. It’s more dignified
for a bereavement counselor.
I suppose, but, uh... I've just been
going by Woody since I'm a kid.
Yeah. Well, you're not a kid now,
and no offense,
but a guy named Woody selling coffins?
A little on the nose.
So, Woody,
you were saying eco-friendly.
Oh, uh, yes.
We have a cardboard model,
made in England,
100 percent recyclable.
I'm not burying Eileen in cardboard.
We're just looking at options, Norman.
How about bubble wrap? That’s an option.
That actually not biodegradable.
Woody, stay out of this.
Our alternative is to special order
the driftwood which will take some time.
No cardboard!
Fine! Then we need other options.
- She said driftwood or sunken ship timber!
- I know what she said, Norman.
We have very specific instructions!
- You have to calm down.
- Why is this a problem?
Go to the beach,
get some wood that drifts up,
and make a driftwood coffin!
I'm afraid it's not that simple.
Okay. You want simple?
Hire a deep-sea diver to locate a schooner
or a pirate ship and bring up some planks!
Could you excuse us for a minute, please?
- Norman.
- What?
What?
- What?
- All right. Look, you need to get a grip.
That poor bastard
is doing his best to help us,
- and you’re acting like a crazy person.
- I've got a grip.
Go wait in the car. I’ll handle this.
Really? Wait in the car?
What am I, a child?
Right now, yes. Now go get in the car!
- We have instructions!
- Go!
I’m sorry about that.
It's okay. It’s a very emotional time.
Cardboard boxes
are what you put a houseplant in
when you don't want it
to leak in your car!
All right, what do we got?
This is a scene
from a spec TV pilot I wrote.
Original piece. Okay, that’s good.
What's it called?
Incestuously Yours. It's a comedy.
About incest, that’s brave.
But without jokes.
So no laughing.
Hopefully not.
Wow, okay.
Let's see it.
Hey.
Hey.
Did Mom say when she's gonna be home?
Do me a favor,
please don't call her "Mom."
Sis,
you've really gotta get over that.
She's my mom, not yours.
Yeah, well, when she married our father,
she became my mom.
Are you listening to yourself?
You're being such a jerk.
And you're a bitch!
A bitch who sucks your cock!
Whoa! Whoa! Okay!
Okay! All right!
Time out! Time out. Hold on.
Okay, um...
First of all, Darshani,
kudos for writing the pilot.
Takes a lot of work,
and I wanna encourage the effort.
It wasn't hard.
I wrote it over the weekend.
- Well, regardless...
- And you told us
if the parts we want aren't out there,
- then we should just write them ourselves.
- I did say that.
This really happened to me.
- I have no doubt about that...
- And he...
Just stop talking.
Stop talking!
I’m sorry. Uh...
Honey, the whole point of doing this work
is to dig into our feelings,
to see how it translates
into actions that we take.
Our behavior.
I really don’t know
what you’re talking about.
Well, what I want to see is how you feel
about being in a blended family.
It's okay.
What, that's it? It’s... it's just okay?
Except for fucking my half-brother,
it's pretty traditional.
We’re doomed.
Yeah?
It's Lisa. Got a minute?
Yeah, sure. Come on in.
Hey.
I kinda lost it in there,
didn't I?
Kinda.
Some of these kids, they’ve got no shame.
Well, I think it's all the social media.
I mean, they grow up
sharing everything with everybody.
No, I think it started earlier.
You know who I blame? Bill Clinton.
Really.
When blow jobs ceased to be sex,
our civilization was over.
You want a drink?
Uh... no, thanks.
I just, uh... just wanted to check on you.
Thank you.
I'm okay. A little tired.
Well, how's it going with Norman?
It's going.
It's just kicking the shit out of me.
Uh, well, I'm sure he's very grateful.
Oh, you'd be wrong.
I did find a guy from Santa Cruz
who makes coffins out of driftwood,
so, I mean, that's something.
Nice. Yeah.
And, amazingly, the funeral
arrangements are coming together,
but the real question is whether
Norman's daughter is gonna show up.
How can that even be a question?
There was a lot of bad blood
between her and Eileen.
Oh, yeah. Well, hmm,
mothers and daughters.
Oh, you've got some experience with that?
Well, I have a mother,
who I hate with a red-hot passion.
So, yeah, a little bit.
A little fucking bit.
Mmm.
You wouldn't be interested
in coming with me?
You're inviting me to a funeral?
Our first date wound up in a hospital.
Seems like a natural next step.
Gee, I don't know, Sandy. Uh...
Are you sure?
Patti LaBelle is singing "Lady Marmalade,"
"Lady Marmaduke," whatever the hell it is.
Jay Leno, he’s gonna be the MC.
And, not to gild the lily,
but you might have a front-row seat
to Ms. Barbra Streisand.
Damn it!
Does this seem inappropriate to you?
Oh, this is nothing.
Wait till you see the drag queen.
- You doin' okay?
- Yeah, I’m fine.
- Don't worry, she's gonna be here.
- Hope so.
Did you tell Jay to keep it short?
Goodbye, baby.
I’m gonna miss you.
And Norman...
it is my prayer
that the pain you're experiencing now...
is God's way of transforming you
into a less annoying human being.
She never liked me.
How do you piss off Patti LaBelle?
You call her Roberta Flack.
You know, one of the greatest joys
of my life was having Eileen as a friend.
I remember...
The first time we met,
I was a struggling young comic.
I'd just done a set at The Comedy Store.
It, uh...
It did not go well.
Eileen came up to me afterwards
and she said I was very funny,
and she said she, uh...
she saw somethin' in me, you know?
So she sent me to see her husband,
a big-time agent, Norman Newlander,
and, uh, when I say "big-time,"
remember, this is the man who discovered
Buster Thornton.
Who's Buster Thornton?
Exactly.
Anyway, I'm not in his office
five minutes,
he says to me, "You know your jaw's
too big. You're gonna frighten children."
I said, "I don't...
I don't play for children."
He says, "It doesn't matter.
It's distracting. Oh, and your head...
it looks like a piece of urban folk art."
- What happened to keeping it short?
- You know, folks,
I could stand up here and slam Norman
all day until my jaw falls off,
but this is about Eileen,
and per her request, she had
a performer that touched her, well,
like no other.
Someone who really needs no introduction.
So, Eileen...
this is for you.
My God, you got her?
Wait for it.
That's a man.
It's what we could get.
Front row.
He's magnificent.
I want to thank everyone for being here
to help celebrate
the life of a great lady.
I, um... I go back a long way with Eileen.
In fact,
I'm the one that introduced her to Norman.
I didn't do it to be nice. Uh...
To be honest, I tried to date her.
I took her out to a fancy dinner,
hoped to get lucky.
I remember, uh... afterward,
I walked her to the door...
and I went in for a kiss...
and she ducked.
I mean, she actually ducked.
I chipped my tooth on her mezuzah.
Anyway, I had no patience for women
with integrity and self-respect,
so I set her up with Norman.
Let him not get laid.
She made me wait eight months.
There you go.
And look what happened.
Since then, I have been in three unhappy,
failed marriages,
and you've been in one happy one.
Seems like you jerkin' off
for a few months was a solid investment.
But Eileen...
She wasn't just a good match for Norman.
Over time...
she became a good friend to me.
Someone I could always trust...
to tell me the truth.
Someone who actually cared about me,
even when I didn't deserve caring.
Before she died, she asked me...
to look after this guy here.
At first, I thought she was joking,
and then I realized she wasn't.
Because I thought...
what a horrible thing to ask me to do.
I mean, you all know him.
He's a bit of a dick.
But I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna honor her wishes...
because you don't say no to a great lady.
And Eileen Newlander...
was...
and will always be a great lady.
Thank you, Sandy.
You know, a friend of mine studied acting
under Sandy for ten years. Ten years!
And after a decade of intensive study,
today I’m proud to say...
he’s the head waiter at Spago.
Now, that was funny.
The world knew her
mostly from her iconic movies
like Singing in the Rain
and The Unsinkable Molly Brown,
but to me, she was so much more.
Wait a minute. This was my eulogy
for Debbie Reynolds. Hold on.
Sorry.
Here we go.
That was Eileen’s idea.
It’s a good joke.
Dear Eileen,
we have been husband and wife
for 46 years.
In all that time,
I have never not been in love with you.
I've been angry with you,
confused by you, even hurt by you,
but never not in love.
You were the woman I was looking for
ever since I started looking.
Beautiful, smart, funny, strong,
willing to sleep with me... eventually.
If something good happened to me at work,
it wasn't real until I shared it with you.
If something bad ha... happened,
it was only tolerable
because I had you to complain to.
If I heard a funny joke, my first thought
was, "I cannot wait to tell you, Eileen."
Then I would get to hear your laugh,
or you would roll your eyes
and tell me the joke was a stinker,
and we would both laugh.
I honestly do not know
how to carry on without you,
but I will because you told me to,
in no uncertain terms.
Shit!
Sorry, Dad.
Continue.
Thanks for inviting me.
I am having the best time.
How's it goin' in there?
Why? You got somewhere to be?
No, you've just...
You’ve been in there a while.
What can I tell you?
I urinate in Morse code.
Dots and dashes.
- Hey.
- Hey. Just checking in.
No, we're okay.
I gave him some soup,
and I'm trying to get him to sleep.
You should probably just spend the night.
No, no. He'll be fine.
- Dad!
- Mindy, I've got this.
Hey, did you drop off Lisa yet?
Yeah. Why?
No reason. Just when you see her again,
try and talk me up a little.
I want her to like me.
You want her to like you?
What are you, in ninth grade?
Come on, help me out here.
Are you worried I might tell her
about how Mom tried to run you over
in the Gelson's parking lot?
Right. Or why.
Relax. I'll make sure she knows
what a great guy you are.
Thanks.
Let me wrap things up here,
and I’ll talk to you tomorrow.
Okay. Bye.
Why?
He wasn't around much
when I was growing up. It's payback.
You think maybe you should call Phoebe?
It's 1:00 a.m. in New York.
A phone call at 1:00 a.m.
is only bad news.
Well, this is kind of bad news, Norman.
Let her sleep. I'll call in the morning.
Are you sure? It's her mother.
I know it's her mother!
You don't think I know it's her mother?
Okay, okay, take it easy.
Would you like to take a guess
at how many times Phoebe came to visit
while Eileen was sick?
No, no, I wouldn’t, no.
Zero! Not once!
Not even a... a, uh... a thing.
The, uh, what is it called?
What's what called?
The computer thing
where you see the person.
Uh, FaceTime?
- No, no. The other one. The made-up word.
- Skype.
Skype. Yeah, that. Not even a Skype!
What a stupid word.
Well, I... uh, I'm sorry.
You know, I didn't know that. I...
Of course you didn't know.
We're civilized people. We keep
our shame and suffering to ourselves.
Where it belongs, sure.
You still think I should wake my daughter
from her Ambien-induced coma and share
the news of her mother's passing?
Maybe buy her a plane ticket
so we could come back and grieve together?
Well, I feel like
you're looking for a "no."
It's my own damn fault.
I spoiled her rotten.
Now she's a selfish, pill-popping mess.
The one smart thing you ever did was
not buy your daughter an Arabian horse.
Oh, that's...
that's very kind of you to say so.
You know, I, uh... I went through
a couple of tough years with Mindy.
You know, we're closer than ever now.
And I'm supposed to take from that what?
Never mind. Just get in bed.
I'll, uh, I'll tuck you in.
You'll tuck me in?
Get in the fucking bed.
Profanity, you know,
is a sign of a lazy mind.
I'm sorry.
Please get into bed.
Much better.
You miserable fuck.
Lazy mind...
Are you going home?
But, soft!
What light through yonder window breaks?
It is the east, and Juliet is the sun.
What?
Yeah, I was going home. Why?
Uh...
No reason. Just asking.
You want me to stay?
No, of course not.
If you want me to stay, I'm happy to stay.
You're happy.
Aren’t you a lucky man?
Norman!
Keep it down! I have neighbors.
Why don't I sleep here tonight,
in case you need anything?
I won't need anything, but thank you.
I appreciate it.
Sure.
I'm locked out!
Try the back door!
Sandy. Sandy!
We have to plan the funeral.
- What?
- Eileen left instructions.
- We need to get started. Come on.
- What time is it?
It’s 4:30.
She wants Jay Leno to emcee
and Patti LaBelle
to sing "Lady Marmalade."
"Lady Marmalade"?
Yes. It was her favorite.
Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?
Can’t we do this in the morning?
You go back to sleep?
No. She was very specific.
No, I... I understand that, Norman.
No, don’t worry about it.
She wants to be buried
in an unpretentious coffin.
Preferably driftwood or recycled timber
from a sunken ship.
Oh, fun. A scavenger hunt.
Aaah.
You’re peeing like me.
Now, about Jay Leno.
She loves him but says he shouldn't
be allowed to go on too long.
Four or five minutes, he's very enjoyable.
After that, he can wear out his welcome.
Got it.
Everything else is written out.
Guest list, catering,
floral arrangements, valet service.
Even the font for the programming.
Palace Script MT.
- Very elegant.
- Aah. I can see that.
I'm hungry.
Ask Streisand to sing "The Way We Were."
Norman,
I don’t think Streisand does funerals.
Listen,
we really need to get started.
How long is your class?
- Hi, Sandy.
- Good morning, ladies.
It's an hour and a half.
An hour and a half? You really have
that much to teach these people?
As a matter of fact, I do.
Spencer Tracy said, "Know your lines
and don't bump into the furniture."
You make it hard
to be your friend, Norman.
I knew Tracy. Mean drunk.
Rumor has it
he ate on both sides of the buffet.
Hey.
Glad you spent the night.
Uh, why don’t you hang out here?
Come here.
- Hi, sweetie.
- Hi.
How are you holdin' up?
I’m okay, I guess.
- Keep an eye on him.
- Sure.
Is he taking good care of you?
- Meh.
- Mmm.
Forgive me
if I'm not really on my game, um...
Last night, um...
Last night, I lost a friend to cancer.
And you know, it's strange.
When I was in that hospital room and...
looking down at a woman that I've known
and loved for more than 40 years...
and I found myself
thinking about all of you.
And I'm always telling you
to pay attention
to what's going on in your lives,
you know?
To experience the feelings
that come up...
no matter how painful.
Because...
that grief, that...
that, um...
unrelenting sorrow,
that’s the raw material.
That’s the gold...
an actor mines
to create great performance.
So my tragedy is your gold?
Duly noted.
Sorry. He wanted to watch you teach.
Norman,
I’m just trying to explain to my class
that acting
is really an extension of living.
It's how we explore
what it is to be human.
- Bullshit!
- Oh, Jesus.
You know what it’s like to be human?
Is that something you wanna know?
Fine, I'll tell you.
It hurts to be human. It hurts like hell.
And all the exploring in the world
doesn't make that hurt go away.
Because being human
and being hurt are the same damn thing!
You look at these prices? What a racket.
Yeah, it's awful. Could we just pick
something and get out of here?
Well, you’re not shopping for tube socks,
you know.
No, we are not.
You know this is a monopoly, right,
like the sunglass business.
One company controlling the whole thing.
I honestly don't know what to say to that.
What can you say? It's a travesty.
You want a casket
made entirely of driftwood?
Or timber from a sunken ship.
Sweet Jesus.
Okay. Uh...
I'm not saying it can't be done,
but it would be a special order
which would take some time.
Have you considered bronze or copper?
No. Too impersonal
and it’s not biodegradable.
Look, um... Woody,
I think what we need here
is something that's recyclable.
Eco-friendly. I understand.
Is your real name Woodrow?
Yes.
You should go by that. It’s more dignified
for a bereavement counselor.
I suppose, but, uh... I've just been
going by Woody since I'm a kid.
Yeah. Well, you're not a kid now,
and no offense,
but a guy named Woody selling coffins?
A little on the nose.
So, Woody,
you were saying eco-friendly.
Oh, uh, yes.
We have a cardboard model,
made in England,
100 percent recyclable.
I'm not burying Eileen in cardboard.
We're just looking at options, Norman.
How about bubble wrap? That’s an option.
That actually not biodegradable.
Woody, stay out of this.
Our alternative is to special order
the driftwood which will take some time.
No cardboard!
Fine! Then we need other options.
- She said driftwood or sunken ship timber!
- I know what she said, Norman.
We have very specific instructions!
- You have to calm down.
- Why is this a problem?
Go to the beach,
get some wood that drifts up,
and make a driftwood coffin!
I'm afraid it's not that simple.
Okay. You want simple?
Hire a deep-sea diver to locate a schooner
or a pirate ship and bring up some planks!
Could you excuse us for a minute, please?
- Norman.
- What?
What?
- What?
- All right. Look, you need to get a grip.
That poor bastard
is doing his best to help us,
- and you’re acting like a crazy person.
- I've got a grip.
Go wait in the car. I’ll handle this.
Really? Wait in the car?
What am I, a child?
Right now, yes. Now go get in the car!
- We have instructions!
- Go!
I’m sorry about that.
It's okay. It’s a very emotional time.
Cardboard boxes
are what you put a houseplant in
when you don't want it
to leak in your car!
All right, what do we got?
This is a scene
from a spec TV pilot I wrote.
Original piece. Okay, that’s good.
What's it called?
Incestuously Yours. It's a comedy.
About incest, that’s brave.
But without jokes.
So no laughing.
Hopefully not.
Wow, okay.
Let's see it.
Hey.
Hey.
Did Mom say when she's gonna be home?
Do me a favor,
please don't call her "Mom."
Sis,
you've really gotta get over that.
She's my mom, not yours.
Yeah, well, when she married our father,
she became my mom.
Are you listening to yourself?
You're being such a jerk.
And you're a bitch!
A bitch who sucks your cock!
Whoa! Whoa! Okay!
Okay! All right!
Time out! Time out. Hold on.
Okay, um...
First of all, Darshani,
kudos for writing the pilot.
Takes a lot of work,
and I wanna encourage the effort.
It wasn't hard.
I wrote it over the weekend.
- Well, regardless...
- And you told us
if the parts we want aren't out there,
- then we should just write them ourselves.
- I did say that.
This really happened to me.
- I have no doubt about that...
- And he...
Just stop talking.
Stop talking!
I’m sorry. Uh...
Honey, the whole point of doing this work
is to dig into our feelings,
to see how it translates
into actions that we take.
Our behavior.
I really don’t know
what you’re talking about.
Well, what I want to see is how you feel
about being in a blended family.
It's okay.
What, that's it? It’s... it's just okay?
Except for fucking my half-brother,
it's pretty traditional.
We’re doomed.
Yeah?
It's Lisa. Got a minute?
Yeah, sure. Come on in.
Hey.
I kinda lost it in there,
didn't I?
Kinda.
Some of these kids, they’ve got no shame.
Well, I think it's all the social media.
I mean, they grow up
sharing everything with everybody.
No, I think it started earlier.
You know who I blame? Bill Clinton.
Really.
When blow jobs ceased to be sex,
our civilization was over.
You want a drink?
Uh... no, thanks.
I just, uh... just wanted to check on you.
Thank you.
I'm okay. A little tired.
Well, how's it going with Norman?
It's going.
It's just kicking the shit out of me.
Uh, well, I'm sure he's very grateful.
Oh, you'd be wrong.
I did find a guy from Santa Cruz
who makes coffins out of driftwood,
so, I mean, that's something.
Nice. Yeah.
And, amazingly, the funeral
arrangements are coming together,
but the real question is whether
Norman's daughter is gonna show up.
How can that even be a question?
There was a lot of bad blood
between her and Eileen.
Oh, yeah. Well, hmm,
mothers and daughters.
Oh, you've got some experience with that?
Well, I have a mother,
who I hate with a red-hot passion.
So, yeah, a little bit.
A little fucking bit.
Mmm.
You wouldn't be interested
in coming with me?
You're inviting me to a funeral?
Our first date wound up in a hospital.
Seems like a natural next step.
Gee, I don't know, Sandy. Uh...
Are you sure?
Patti LaBelle is singing "Lady Marmalade,"
"Lady Marmaduke," whatever the hell it is.
Jay Leno, he’s gonna be the MC.
And, not to gild the lily,
but you might have a front-row seat
to Ms. Barbra Streisand.
Damn it!
Does this seem inappropriate to you?
Oh, this is nothing.
Wait till you see the drag queen.
- You doin' okay?
- Yeah, I’m fine.
- Don't worry, she's gonna be here.
- Hope so.
Did you tell Jay to keep it short?
Goodbye, baby.
I’m gonna miss you.
And Norman...
it is my prayer
that the pain you're experiencing now...
is God's way of transforming you
into a less annoying human being.
She never liked me.
How do you piss off Patti LaBelle?
You call her Roberta Flack.
You know, one of the greatest joys
of my life was having Eileen as a friend.
I remember...
The first time we met,
I was a struggling young comic.
I'd just done a set at The Comedy Store.
It, uh...
It did not go well.
Eileen came up to me afterwards
and she said I was very funny,
and she said she, uh...
she saw somethin' in me, you know?
So she sent me to see her husband,
a big-time agent, Norman Newlander,
and, uh, when I say "big-time,"
remember, this is the man who discovered
Buster Thornton.
Who's Buster Thornton?
Exactly.
Anyway, I'm not in his office
five minutes,
he says to me, "You know your jaw's
too big. You're gonna frighten children."
I said, "I don't...
I don't play for children."
He says, "It doesn't matter.
It's distracting. Oh, and your head...
it looks like a piece of urban folk art."
- What happened to keeping it short?
- You know, folks,
I could stand up here and slam Norman
all day until my jaw falls off,
but this is about Eileen,
and per her request, she had
a performer that touched her, well,
like no other.
Someone who really needs no introduction.
So, Eileen...
this is for you.
My God, you got her?
Wait for it.
That's a man.
It's what we could get.
Front row.
He's magnificent.
I want to thank everyone for being here
to help celebrate
the life of a great lady.
I, um... I go back a long way with Eileen.
In fact,
I'm the one that introduced her to Norman.
I didn't do it to be nice. Uh...
To be honest, I tried to date her.
I took her out to a fancy dinner,
hoped to get lucky.
I remember, uh... afterward,
I walked her to the door...
and I went in for a kiss...
and she ducked.
I mean, she actually ducked.
I chipped my tooth on her mezuzah.
Anyway, I had no patience for women
with integrity and self-respect,
so I set her up with Norman.
Let him not get laid.
She made me wait eight months.
There you go.
And look what happened.
Since then, I have been in three unhappy,
failed marriages,
and you've been in one happy one.
Seems like you jerkin' off
for a few months was a solid investment.
But Eileen...
She wasn't just a good match for Norman.
Over time...
she became a good friend to me.
Someone I could always trust...
to tell me the truth.
Someone who actually cared about me,
even when I didn't deserve caring.
Before she died, she asked me...
to look after this guy here.
At first, I thought she was joking,
and then I realized she wasn't.
Because I thought...
what a horrible thing to ask me to do.
I mean, you all know him.
He's a bit of a dick.
But I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna honor her wishes...
because you don't say no to a great lady.
And Eileen Newlander...
was...
and will always be a great lady.
Thank you, Sandy.
You know, a friend of mine studied acting
under Sandy for ten years. Ten years!
And after a decade of intensive study,
today I’m proud to say...
he’s the head waiter at Spago.
Now, that was funny.
The world knew her
mostly from her iconic movies
like Singing in the Rain
and The Unsinkable Molly Brown,
but to me, she was so much more.
Wait a minute. This was my eulogy
for Debbie Reynolds. Hold on.
Sorry.
Here we go.
That was Eileen’s idea.
It’s a good joke.
Dear Eileen,
we have been husband and wife
for 46 years.
In all that time,
I have never not been in love with you.
I've been angry with you,
confused by you, even hurt by you,
but never not in love.
You were the woman I was looking for
ever since I started looking.
Beautiful, smart, funny, strong,
willing to sleep with me... eventually.
If something good happened to me at work,
it wasn't real until I shared it with you.
If something bad ha... happened,
it was only tolerable
because I had you to complain to.
If I heard a funny joke, my first thought
was, "I cannot wait to tell you, Eileen."
Then I would get to hear your laugh,
or you would roll your eyes
and tell me the joke was a stinker,
and we would both laugh.
I honestly do not know
how to carry on without you,
but I will because you told me to,
in no uncertain terms.
Shit!
Sorry, Dad.
Continue.
Thanks for inviting me.
I am having the best time.