The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 8, Episode 21 - Hartford Wailer - full transcript

Hey, babe.

Hey, what are you doing?

Nothing.

So thirsty. God, all day.

So drink something.

That's a good idea.

Ahh...

Ahh...

I'm gonna go take a shower.

Hey, welcome to your weekend.

I got the first of
five-count 'em-



five planet of the apes DVDs

loaded up,

and we are stupid
with twizzlers.

That's the candy of
romance, by the way.

That's so sweet, but
didn't you get my message?

No. My phone's on vibrate,

and I left it in
my pocket, and...

You have a cigarette?

Anyway...

I'm going to Hartford
this weekend.

What?

Yeah, my boss is sponsoring

this "houses across
America" thing.

I have orientation tomorrow,



then we build houses for
poor people on Sunday.

All right. Well, you want to go

with the 24-hour flu again,

or something in
the mumps family?

Doug, stop. No, please.
It's for charity.

Well-come-i-

I planned this whole weekend.

Now I have to watch
all these by myself?

Excuse me, I just finished

working a 60-hour work week,

and now I got to get up

at 5 in the morning

to drive 120 Miles to
pound nails for no money.

So I am sorry I can't sit

and watch little monkey
movies with you, ok?

Ok, they're apes, not monkeys.

There's a difference.

Whatever.

It's that kind of arrogance

that led to them
taking over the earth.

Ok. All right. How
about this, Doug?

How about for once,

you care about another
person other than yourself?

Oh, ooh, I can't watch
movies with my husband

'cause I got to build
homes for the poor.

Who's being selfish now, huh?

Fine.

Oh, good, you're home.

Hey, guy.

What are you doing?

Carrie had a business trip,

and we got into a little fight,

so I'm gonna go up
and surprise her.

At least you have something
to do this weekend.

Would you let this go?

We were gonna see the
huey Lewis concert.

Mr. procrastinator waited.
Now we don't have tickets.

Don't ask me to do
things when I'm drunk.

When are you not?

If you were more supportive,

I wouldn't have to drink.

Don't turn this back on me.

You guys got a lot to work out,

so why don't you-you
know what I'm saying?

Please.

Hey, guy, what's that?

What?

Oh.

That's the jacket I wore

when I worked security
at Nassau coliseum.

See that right there?

That's a little
Jethro tull puke.

Man. Tell you what.

If we had another one of these,

we could get into the concert.

What do you mean?

Don't you get it? We
wear the jackets,

we act like we work there.

We're not only in,
we're backstage.

You went to see Steel Magnolias?

Give me that, would you?

Ok, we just spent three hours

learning how to hit
a nail with a...

I want to say hammer.

Oh, I'm not sure. I slept
through most of that.

Hey, where was Mr. Dugan anyway?

Oh, didn't you hear?
He's not coming back

till the thank-you
dinner on Sunday.

What?

Yeah, he and the
other executives

flew down to Miami for
another worthy cause-

the opening of the
new Hooters hotel.

Wait a minute.

So all the suits are in Miami,

and all the secretaries
are here building houses?

Yeah. Well, no. Desiree
went down with them.

Oh, I'm sorry. All
the secretaries

that aren't sleeping with Mr.
Dugan are here.

I guess there's
nothing we can do.

Well-well, wait a minute.

They're not here, so they
don't know what we're doing.

Why don't we have
ourselves a little fun?

Aren't we supposed to
be here to help people?

And who's helping
you, Dawn, huh?

Anybody building you a house?

You live in a freakin'
studio apartment

that smells like a pet store.

Smells like a pet store?

A little bit, sweetie.

Anyway, I'm just saying we
deserve to have a little fun!

Don't they expect us
at the building site?

Yes, and we will be there

just long enough to
grab a few bricks,

pose for pictures.
You catch my drift?

Well, they're supposed to
have a great spa here.

Yes, yes. Come on.

Let's make this a
girls' weekend, huh?

We'll hit the clubs tonight.

Tomorrow, we'll charge
some massages to the room.

What do you think?

Oh, wait, wait.

What happens when
accounting sees it?

I'm sorry, Dawn. What
department do you work in?

Accounting.

What are you gonna do
when you see the bills?

Shred 'em.

That's a girl!

I'm gonna go take a nap.

Let's meet back here at 7:00,

and we will slap
this town silly.

Why, hello.

Hey!

Surprised?

Yuh-huh.

It's ape time.

All right. The outside
perimeter looks pretty good,

but, uh, keep those
channels clear.

I smell trouble.

What's up?

You going or not?

Yes, yes.

Ok.

Man, I got to tell you,

I haven't had a rush like this,

since they paid me to be
in that police lineup.

That lesbian almost
got away with murder.

Hey, v.I.P. Is for v.I.Me.

And you. Come on.

Hey, you two.

Hang on a sec.

Go for Keith.

They did what in the bathroom?

Well, that's something new.

Ok, I'll be right there.

Guys, I need you to
bounce a couple of drunks

who just snuck in.

Oh, and, fellas, remember,

you're not authorized to use
excessive force, you got it?

Go for Keith.

Ok, let's go look
for the free beer.

Wait. We have to go deal with
the drunks who snuck in.

We snuck in.

And I want to be one of
the drunks, so let's go.

We have to pretend
like we work here,

or we'll get thrown out. I
want to see huey Lewis!

Whatever, all right? I want
to meet some groupies.

Oh-ho. A mother-daughter combo.

You promised to speak to Dr.
Zaius about me.

Bet you didn't think

you were gonna have any
fun this weekend, huh?

No, siree.

Hello.

Oh, hey, Lisa.

Want to pause the movie?

You know what? I'm good, thanks.

Where am I? I'm in hell.

Doug showed up.

The first time in 13 years,

he does something romantic.

No, no, no, no, no.

You don't leave without
the ringleader, honey.

I came up with this plan.
I can take it down.

Yeah, you just wait for me.
I'll think of something.

Ok.

Uhh...

Everything ok?

Actually, no.

Bad news. Uh...

I have another training
seminar tonight.

Tonight?

It's almost 8:00

I know. Apparently,
they want these houses

built "right."

We cannot get any momentum going

with these movies.

Charlton heston hasn't even
taken off his shirt yet.

Just my luck.

Well, when you come back,

this'll all be waiting for you.

Kk-kk.

Actually, uh, honey,
you know what?

Uh, I'm gonna be gone most
of the night tonight,

and then I'm on the job
site all day tomorrow.

This is just not fair to you.

What are you saying,
you want me to leave?

Wa-want you to leave?

No. No, but I sure as Sam

don't want you sitting in
this room all by yourself

while I work all day and night.

I don't know.

Like, the whole drive up here

was just... For nothing.

All for no-

no, baby, no. Come on.

Just seeing you
for a few minutes

was amazing.

Just a little dose of
Doug was all I need.

Yeah? Mm-hmm.

You sure you don't want
a double dose of Doug?

Heh-heh-heh-heh.

Rain check, rain check.

Come on, giddy up, giddy up
before you hit the traffic.

Uh, I, uh...

I don't even know if
I-where am I gonna-

no, baby. You'll do great.

Here's your luggage.

I love you.

I don't have my shoes.

You wait there. I'll get 'em.

Ok, baby. This has been amazing,

and you're aces, ok?

Love ya. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

Can I help you?

Ah, yes, my wife is staying here

and I'd, ah, like to surprise
her with a massage tomorrow.

Certainly, sir.

And if you send a guy,

no better looking
than this, okay?

And your wife's name?

Oh, it's Carrie Heffernan.

Hmm, looks like she's already
booked for a massage.

Really?

Two, actually. She has
an avocado citrus wrap

at 9:30 and hot
stone therapy at 3.

You know, you probably got her
mixed up with somebody else

because I know she's
working tomorrow, so.

No, I booked the
treatments myself.

And I remember because she
said if one of the hot stones

burned her, she would,
"take me down."

I know. All right, now
listen, you guys,

when we hit the club,
nobody pays for her

own drinks or dances
with anyone over 25.

Okay.

Pop a few buttons
on this blouse.

This ain't church, honey.

Carrie, you're fun
when you're bad.

Just gettin' started, honey.

Huh, huh, all right hurry back.

Hey, man. What
happened to your eye?

I had to give the drummer's
monkey his antibiotics.

Hey, great job with Mr. jingles.

Anyway, now we've got a
situation with the bass player.

He won't come out of his
dressing room until we get him

7 boysenberry-scented candles.

Here, put it on
huey's credit card.

He likes to get the Miles.

What are you doing with that?

Oh, uh, well, the
keyboard player said he

wouldn't come out of his room
until he had some shrimp.

He likes it half-eaten.

Go for Keith.

Well, jam something in
it until I get there.

Okay, your turn to work.
Go get the candles.

Come on, man. The
daughter passed out.

I'm about to make some real
headway with the mother.

That's not fair.

How about this?

Tomorrow night we'll come
back for the second show.

I'll take care of the monkees

and the drunks,

and you can just
have a great time.

All right.

Whoo!

What was in those shots
those firemen bought us?

I don't know. I'll ask them.

Should I not have given
them my room key?

It's too late now.

Yeah.

Okay, so we'll meet
at the spa at 11.

Hey, better idea.
Bloody Marys at 10?

Well, hello, Randall.

You got 5 floors to
give us a lap dance.

Surprise! Oh, my God.

Hey, baby. What are
you doing back here?

I got halfway down the turnpike

and I realized, I can't
leave my baby by herself.

But I said you can go.

Hey, I've been married a while

and I know that go means stay.

And this time it
really just meant go.

Well, whatever, I'm
stickin' to you like glue.

Okay, but baby, I told
you I'm going to be

on the job site
tomorrow, remember?

Yeah, me too, I signed up.

What?

Yeah, we're gonna build
that house together

and bonus with me, you get
a little plumber's butt.

Hey sleepy head.

That hot tar isn't going
to mix itself now.

Okay, I'll be right there.

All righty.

You better watch
your back, perky.

Hey, do you have any aspirin?

Three dollars.

You do know this is
for charity, right?

I'm doing this out of the
goodness of my heart.

Three dollars.

Fine, here's your three dollars.

There's my lady.

By the way, I asked around,
that spackle in your hair

is gonna come out with a
little bit of turpentine.

Thank you, honey.

Okay. And by the way, we're
putting up the dry-wall now

so I'm gonna need you to
hold it steady while I...

Lock her down.

Hey, while I got this out

why don't I check out
your choppers, huh?

Doug, stop.

Somebody has not been flossing.

Please, I have a headache.

Oh, you have a headache.
I didn't know.

Know what'll make you
probably feel better?

Your hot stone massage at 3:00.

What? I don't know what
you're talking about.

Oh, please. I know all about it.

The booze and the dancing.

The smoking in a
nonsmoking room, yeah.

Damn it.

Yeah, I can't believe you.

All right, look, Doug,
I've been working hard

okay, I just wanted a
weekend to let loose.

So you lie to your husband?

Just to go wild in Hartford?

Okay, look, I lied to
you, okay, I am sorry.

But that was once, you
lie to me all the time.

That's right, difference
is, I'm good at it.

Your lies are like tissue paper.

Mine are like that house,
built on a solid foundation.

Although that staircase I
don't think is my best work.

Hey Carrie, we're waiting
for that hot tar.

Okay, coming.

Yeah, I don't, uh,
just work security.

My main gig is hiring the
girls to be in the videos.

Oh, hey, buddy,
where've you been?

Where have I been?
I've been elbow deep

in huey Lewis' toilet.

Whoa, you are a fan.

Hey listen, I'm not
missing tonight's show.

You're on the clock.

Hey guys, super job
on the toilet.

Huey actually used
the word immaculate.

Well, thanks, Keith, but
that's not why I do it.

But it's nice to hear.

Wait, no, no, listen,
I cleaned the toilet

and I re-vamped the
check-in procedure.

He didn't do anything, he
doesn't even work here.

What?

Yeah, he's a phony.

He got that jacket
from his cousin.

Barry, this guy's gone, and
remember, no excessive force.

Hey, we're still on for
Saturday though, right?

Excuse me.

Oh my God, huey Lewis.
What are you doing here?

It's my concert.

Oh, I gotta tell you,
I'm your biggest fan.

I have all of your albums.

I could probably sing
every one of your songs.

Yeah, well please don't.

Now listen, I saw what
you did over there.

I know, can you
believe that guy?

You ratted out your friend,
and where I come from...

The bay area.

Yeah, back there,
that makes you a rat.

And we don't like rats.

So beat it, before the
news and I kick your ass.

But, no wait...

Huey, listen, I'm
your biggest fan.

I cleaned your toilets
the way you like.

Huey Lewis is gonna kick my ass.
Pretty-

all right, let's make your
appearance with Mr. Dugan

and get the hell out of here.

All right, fine, but for
the next twenty minutes

can you just pretend that
you're happily married?

Okay, how's this?

All right, stop it,
he's coming, just stop.

Hey guys, thank you so much
for all the hard work.

The Larkin family
appreciates it and so do I.

Well Doug and I should
be thanking you for...

Hey guys, thank you so much
for all the hard work.

The Larkin family
appreciates it and so do I.

Can we go now?

In a minute, Doug.

If I could have your
attention please?

I'd like to introduce the man
responsible for all this.

Our wonderful boss, Mr.
Andrew Dugan.

Thank you, Desiree.

Building this home was an
amazing accomplishment

but, it's just the beginning.

That's where the
giving tree comes in.

If you want to help
some more, take a leaf.

Each leaf has a household item
you can buy for the Larkins.

All that's left for the Larkins
to supply, is the love.

A giving tree, huh?

Too bad they don't have
a taking tree for you.

Instead of helping, you're going
coyote ugly with your friends.

Please, like you're so nice?

The only reason why you
did this was to spite me.

At least my spite builds.
Your spite only destroys.

Oh, come on, I'm 10 times
more generous than you are.

Are you serious?

Yeah, I am serious.

Oh please, come on.

Please, you brother.
Yeah, right.

Okay, how about this, I'm
gonna buy the Larkins

something so choke on that.

I'll get them two
wishes right there.

I'll take the whole
friggin' branch, Doug.

You don't scare me, man.

Oh, my, I get to buy
them a washer-dryer.

Washer-dryer, I thought
it was little stuff

like an ice cream scooper.

What did we get
ourselves into here?

Come here, come here.

What does yours say?

It says a... A toaster.

Oh, that's not so bad.

And a riding mower.

What?

With satellite radio,
this is crazy.

Oh my God, I have to get a
laptop and a sleeper sofa.

What are we gonna do?

We're gonna put them back,
that's what we're gonna do.

We can't put them back,
people will see you.

Create a distraction.

How?

Take your top down.

Would you stop.

All right, go now.

Everybody's talking
to the guy who fell

off the roof, go, go now.

Hey, nice to see you guys again.

Great job on that gazebo by the
way, that was wonderful work.

All right, there you go.

What happened here?

My honey was trying to reach
for a good one and he fell.

Are you okay? Yeah,
I'm all right.

Pick another one, I'm sure
there's some great ones left.

Come on toaster.

Great. Let's see what
you've got there. Here.

Oh, I gotta tell you, the
Larkins are gonna be

very happy drinking coffee

in front of their
brand-new flat screen TV.

Hey man, listen, I'm sorry.

I got a little
carried away before.

Oh, that's okay.

You should have told me right
away you were from Ottawa.

I love Canadians.

I know, I read it on your blog.

Well, anyway, welcome
to the team.

And we'll talk again

right after you mop the stage.

Sweet! I better
get back to work.

Okay.

Hey, uh, I've got your
food, can I come in?

Get your stinkin' paws off
me you damn dirty ape!