The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 8, Episode 20 - Four Play - full transcript

Doug, I'm gonna miss my train.
What time is it?

Would you relax?

You have plenty of time.

Okay, that clock
only has one hand.

Oh, yeah.

All right, what time is
it on the coffee maker?

Oh, well, the coffee maker
is Mountain standard time,

plus, it's 5 minutes fast,

so that would make it, uh...

I can't do this.

All right, the microwave says it's 7:10.
That's good.



7:09,

7:08.

Oh, that's my egg pocket.

I can't be late for work.
What does your watch say?

It's not a watch. It
just counts my steps.

Holy crap, I'm at 32.

I gotta slow it down.

Thank you.

So, Julie comes in every
morning at 10:00,

and leaves at 4:00, and leaves
me with all her friggin' work.

I should report her, right?

Can I offer a little
advice about this?

I mean, I don't want
to be a rat, but...

She is annoying.



And on top of that, she
has the worst hair, so...

May I, darling-

dad-dad, please. Okay?

All right, honey, I don't
know what I'm gonna do.

I'll just figure it out.

Okay, bye-bye.

Okay, I think I can help
you with this Julie thing.

If you want to help me,
finish your dinner,

'cause I have to meet
Doug at the movies.

I dealt with this type of character
when I was a production assistant

on a little show
called sesame street.

You worked on sesame street?

Sure. From march of '76
to mid-march of '76.

Anyway, I can't name names,

but I had a similar situation

with a large bird with
an even bigger ego.

Big bird?

You said it. I didn't.

All right, is there a
point to this, dad?

I've had close to 200
jobs in my life,

so I know a thing or two

about office politics.

Now, do you have
access to firearms?

Okay.

I'm not gonna shoot her.

I never said "shoot." Just let
her know you mean business.

Come on. Eat your beets now.

I will not eat my beets!

Why is it, day after day,
I offer you sound advice

on how to fix your
pathetic life,

and you reject it every time?

Well, I've had it with you!

Actually, I stormed off
for dramatic effect.

I'm really quite hungry.

Perfect. Blood thieves 2
starts in 10 minutes.

I don't want to see a movie

where a bunch of people
get their blood stolen.

Okay. When it happens to you,
you're not gonna know what to do.

Honey, it's date night. I
want to see bon vivant.

Okay, unless that's foreign
for "stealing blood,"

eh-eh.

Hey, guys.

Oh, good. Put Doug
out of his misery.

He wants to see blood thieves 2.

Oh, I loved the first one.

Yeah. In this one, there's
even less talking.

I'm in.

Actually, I want
to see bon vivant.

Thank you. Finally,
somebody with some taste.

You mean, somebody
with some gay.

All right, what are we gonna do?

Hey, I have an idea.

Why don't me and Deacon see bon
vivant and you guys see your thing?

That's great.

Let's do it.

Okay. All right.

Come on, girl.

I'm gonna get some snacks.
How many hot dogs you want?

I'm in a bit of a
time crunch here,

but you're obviously
a man in crisis.

How can I help you?

You called me.

Yes, to share my considerable
knowledge and life experience.

I'm older than you.

Then you should be wise
enough to heed my advice.

I only came here because you
said you'd buy me a scone.

And I will, after we sort
out your troubled life.

Now, where do you see
yourself in 10 years?

Dead.

Fair enough.

5 years?

I'll tell you where I see
myself in 5 minutes:

Back on the bus.

So, I had a really good time with
that guy, Steve, the other night.

Uh-huh.

So, do I call him,

or do I have to wait
for him to call me?

Um...

I just had 3 muscle relaxers,

so I'm gonna go to the bathroom
and lie down for a bit.

Do not call this fellow.

Excuse me?

I couldn't help overhearing
your conversation

because I was eavesdropping.

No offense,

but I'm not sure I want advice

from a guy who bounces
a check for $1.42.

I have off-shore accounts. I
was moving monies around.

Whatever.

Now, under no circumstances

should you call this
ne'er-do-well, Steve.

He's a dentist.

I've got one, thank you.

The point is, if you call him

you're going to sound desperate.

Let him come to you.

Tell you what. I'll
think about it.

Now, can I get you anything?

A cappuccino muffin
and a mocha latte.

That's $5.85.

Who shall I make this out to?

Hey! How'd you like the movie?

Oh, it was so scary.

Yeah, and news flash, without
blood, you're nothing.

Good to know.

So how was your
precious bon vivant?

Great.

What was it about?

I can't tell you exactly,

but it was very well done.

Oh, check it out.

Saturday they're starting the
international film series.

The director's gonna be
there for a q-and-a.

Oh, I'd be into that.

Yeah, me too. Oh,
wait, I forgot.

I'm supposed to get drunk
and pass out that night.

We can't go. I promised the
kids we'd take 'em go-karting.

Kel, my legs are too
long for those things.

I have short legs.

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Whoo!

We want fish sticks!
We want fish sticks!

We want fish sticks!

Cranberry muffin.

Be a dear, use the tongs.

How much do I owe you?

Oh, it's on the house.

Really?

Yeah. Every bounced check
costs us $20 in bank fees.

Oh, why, thank you.

Besides, thanks to your advice,
I'm going out with Steve again.

Oh, really? Well, it was
my pleasure to help.

Actually, I'd love to get some
advice on something else.

Oh, I'd be happy to oblige,
although I do think better

with a complimentary
sack of bagel chips.

Um, well, I rent this
really cheap apartment,

but there's been a
lot of break-ins,

so I was thinking I
should buy a condo.

No, no, no,

stay put.

The real estate market
is at an all-time high.

But my neighborhood's
really dangerous.

And so is buying on the bubble.

My advice? Stay away
from the color peach.

Hey. Hey, honey.

Listen, Kelly called. You
left your jacket in her car.

Oh, that's all right.
I'll get it tomorrow.

So, how was mini-golf?

It was good, but I had to
give major another time out,

and, uh...

Kirby's been asking a lot of
questions about the ladies,

so I think I'm gonna have to
have "the talk" with him.

Oh, boy. Yeah.

I was hoping you can go
over some stuff with me,

'cause, uh... Never
been 100% sure

about what you guys got
going on down there.

I know, baby.

How was yoga?

Oh, it was great.

Deacon is so flexible,
he's like a rubber band.

He really helped me
get into my hips.

I'm gonna be sore tomorrow,
I'll tell you that.

But it's a good sore, right?
Yeah.

Listen, I'm making
ravioli for dinner.

Oh. Actually, you know what?

I had carbs today, so I'll
just have a salad tonight.

Really?

Yeah, Kelly thinks I need
to lose a few pounds,

and, you know, she's right.

I gotta be honest
with you, honey.

I think Kelly has
been great for you.

Thanks. I gotta say, as long as
you've been hanging out with Deacon-

I don't know. You just seem...

happy.

I am. I am.

I gotta say that we haven't
hung out together,

you know, just the two of us.

Maybe we should make
a plan to do that.

Definitely! How about Friday?

Ooh! No, Friday I can't.

Deacon and I, we have
that gallery thing, so...

I'll tell you what though,

how about we meet you and
Kelly for drinks before?

I'll check with the boss.
That sounds great.

Well, dinner'll be
ready in a half hour.

All right. I'm gonna
bang out some crunches.

The guy didn't want to give
us the big stuffed animal.

He wanted to give us
this little troll doll.

So what does this one do?
She picks up a basketball,

and drains 5 in a row, bam!

And who walks out of there
with a giant panda?

We did!

Good times, good times. Oh, man.

Hey, tell 'em what you asked
that turkish director.

Oh, no, no, no, they wouldn't know.
You know.

You're right. They
wouldn't get it.

Yeah, exactly. I know.

We didn't offer you guys a drink.
Name your poison.

I'll take a beer.

All right, bottle of suds
for the rubber band man.

Merlot, and... oh, boy,
I should know this.

Uh...

Sea breeze.

Jack and coke.

Jack and coke!

Hey, Deac, did you
get a haircut?

Yep.

And the beard's next.

Kel, there's no
beer in the fridge.

Yeah, I told you
to get some more.

I didn't have time.

I had to take the kids to the
park and we went by arby's.

I told you I don't want the
kids eating before dinner.

What am I supposed to do,
just make them watch me eat?

They need to come home
to do their homework.

They're at school all day.

They deserve a
little roast beef.

You know, actually, Doug,
they shouldn't be eating-

excuse me, Deac. I got it.

You are unbelievable!

One minute I'm not spending
enough time with them.

Now it's too much? I
can't win with you!

Where are you going?

I'm going to get us some beer.

Now? We have people here.

Fine!

Actually, you know what?
We gotta get going.

Yeah, that bridge
is gonna be nuts.

Yeah.

But you know what? This has been fun.
Thanks so much.

Later.

I'm gonna go check on the boys.

Sir...

If this is about the newspaper,

I was planning to pay for
it once the line went down.

Oh, it's not about that.

I was talking to my manager,

and I thought maybe you
could give me some advice.

Oh! Another lost soul
needs my compass.

Please, sit.

Thank you.

What is troubling you?

Career, family,
sexual confusion?

Uh, I just want to know

who I should bet on in
tomorrow's basketball game.

Ooh, a gambler.

Yeah. So who would you bet,

the nets or spurs?

Are they still using a
red, white and blue ball?

No.

Then bet the nets!

Thanks, man.

Hey, it's what I do.

Put it all on the spurs.

Whoa! I said, the nets.

I know, but Gloria told me

whatever you say, I
should do the opposite.

What?

She says any advice from you
would have to be wrong,

so if I do the opposite,

I win and I get my van
out of the impound.

I see.

Hey, Arthur, I need
some more advice.

Do you now?

Hey, honey.

Hey.

What are you watching?

Leonard nimoy.

Hey, shouldn't you be getting
ready to go out with Kelly?

I won't be going anywhere
with that woman.

Oh, are you still fighting?

Mm. I'm so sorry.

Whatever, man.

Listen, I figured we'd just hang out
tonight and get a pizza or something.

Uh, actually, I can't. I
have plans with Deacon.

What?

Yeah. Remember, we do our
movie thing tonight?

If I'm not spending time with Kelly, you
shouldn't be hanging out with Deacon.

Well, that's not fair.

I mean, why should I have to suffer just
because you and Kelly are fighting?

Because you're my wife.

How about I call Kelly for you?

No! I'm not going
crawling back to her.

But-but, baby, just 2 days ago,

you said she was the best thing
that ever happened to you.

Now you're just willing
to throw all that away?

Yes! No! I don't know!

My whole world is upside-down!

Okay!

Let me just call her
for you now, okay?

I'll smooth things over.

Fine, but don't tell
her I'm here, okay?

I can't be here.

Act natural too. Oh, be quiet.

Excuse me. I know
what I'm doing.

Hey, Kel, it's me.

Listen, I know you and Doug are going
through a little rough patch here.

I just want you to know that
sometimes Doug says things

he really doesn't mean.

The thing is, is he's
just not that bright.

You know what I do with him?

I give him a pretzel or
a chocolate pudding.

That just calms him right down.
Really.

Uh-huh.

Okay.

But, Kel, if he can just-

okay. Bye.

So?

You're dead to her.

I got fired.

What? So, what happened?

Arthur said that I shouldn't ask Mr.
Berman for a raise,

so I demanded one.

I did the opposite
of what he said.

Why didn't that work?

Because I knew what
you were doing,

and I gave you the
opposite of the opposite.

What?

Yeah. "Loose lips" over
here told me everything.

You cost me my job! I
can't pay my rent now!

I'm gonna be out on the street!

And you hurt my feelings,

so now we're even.

Much like the
Neo-realists of the '70s,

your use of fruit
and often bread

seem significant.

Ah, le fruit.

Yes. Yeah.

I placed a rotting apple
on the windowsill

to try and symbolize the
corruption of pascha's soul.

Mm.

What symbolizes that
my ass is asleep?

Shh! You shush!

Was the rain in the
last scene planned-

would you sit still?

This is brutal. How
much longer is this?

I don't know. Maybe an hour.
An hour?

Would you please control him?

I am trying.

A little help here, you know.

He's your husband. I know that.

You don't have to keep
throwing that in my face.

I'm gonna ask him a
question about pepe le pew.

Stop it!

That's it. I'm outta here.

No, please don't go.
I'll put him in the car.

This whole thing is getting
kind of weird anyway.

It's not weird, it's great.

I'm sorry, Carrie.

Deacon, please don't leave!

You're causing a scene.

I don't care!

Carrie, it's over.

You still got me.

Shut up.

Look, I'm not happy
about it either,

but this is the hand we've been dealt.
You know?

So what do we do now?

What do we do? We
make the best of it.

Well, I guess I can
make more of an effort

to do the stuff that
you want to do.

Well, there you go.
That's my baby.

And you know what?

Maybe I'll make
more of an effort

to do the stuff that
you want to do.

Let's start with me.

Whoa!

Wha!

See, this movie's a
nice compromise.

It's French, but
it's about a guy

who cuts off people's
feet with a chainsaw.

Except they don't show anything.

They just talk about
it in a cafe.

Well, they're leaving it
up to your imagination.

Okay, I didn't pay
$10 to imagine-

shh!

Hey, don't shush him.
He's right.

This movie blows.

I told you we should have
seen angel of death.

You know, it's just starting.
Do you want to go?

Okay.

Okay.