The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 3, Episode 8 - Dark Meet - full transcript
Doug, Carrie and Arthur are thinking about the first Thanksgiving they (and Arthur's second wife Lily) spend together.
What the...
Thank you.
No, I mean it. Thank you.
Great.
Hey, hey, hey, hey! What
are you doing with that?
Just watchin' the
sunlight hit it.
That is for tomorrow.
But I'm hungry. I'm
just gonna take a leg.
Doug, we are having
guests for Thanksgiving,
and I am not serving them
a one-legged Turkey.
Oh, what a Turkey
can't be handicapped?
What, you got some
kind of problem?
Come on, I will find you something
in there that is good, ok?
Here we go. Let's see...
Ok, you can't have that.
Mashed potatoes, no.
Yams, no. Pie, no.
Ok, you know what? You name
one more thing I can't have,
and I'm gonna bukaw you!
Call it.
I'm sorry. I don't think there's
anything in here that you can have.
How about stuffing?
A little stuffing.
Come on, I love you.
No.
It's stuffing. You can't
tell if stuffing's missing.
I'll remold it,
I'll even it out.
Hey, look at me. No
one has to know.
Ah, ah, ah, look...
look it here.
I found something
that you can have.
Oh, lunchables. Oh, this is...
this is great.
You know why? 'Cause
it's like lunch,
only a lot smaller. This is...
this is going to be perfect.
Thank you very much.
There we go. Hmm.
Mmm.
I'm stuffed!
Uh, I, for one, am stuffed.
Thanksgiving, man. Not a
good day to be my pants.
There aren't a lot
of real good days.
That's nice, very nice,
after we just fed you.
Carrie, the food was unbelievable.
Oh, excellent.
Yes, honey, it was delicious.
Thank you.
Oh, don't thank me. Thank the
good folks at "holiday in a box."
Yeah, but who went
and picked it up?
Actually, they...
they dropped it off.
Well, come on, girl,
who re-heated it?
That's true, I did. Ok,
ok, pride is back.
Ah, you know the food is good
when it knocks a man out cold.
Hey, you wanna stick his
hand in warm water,
see if we can make him pee?
Yeah.
It'll be nice to be on the
other end of that for once.
Even if it does work,
aren't you just going to
be ruining your own couch?
A good point, good point.
Let's see here.
Oh, this is perfect.
This is great.
Oh, man. Shh!
I'm sorry.
It's funny, right?
Actually, my kid could
look exactly like that.
Doug, what the hell
are you doing to him?
We're just dressin' him up
like a big baby, relax.
Stop it!
Just killin' time till dessert.
Doug, it's Thanksgiving.
Could you be nice?
I think I have a right to mess
with him on Thanksgiving.
Dessert's up.
What are you talking about?
Are you kidding me?
Remember how he tortured me
the first Thanksgiving
I met him?
My God, it was hell.
I remember Thanksgiving very well.
It was a great day.
It was the first time I... I got the
nerve up to tell you "I love you."
Got the nerve up?
It wasn't so hard
after I told you.
What? You think you
told me first?
Si, senorita.
Uh, I think I told
you first, senor.
Ok, you know what? Don't go Spanish.
I went Spanish.
Spanish?
That got you up?
You know what? Dad will know.
Dad, do you remember
meeting, uh, Doug
for the first time
on Thanksgiving?
Of course I remember
meeting Doug.
I believe it was Thanksgiving.
Daddy, we're going to the
Thanksgiving party now.
Have fun, sweetheart.
Hey!
You touch one hair on her head,
I'll gut you like a fish.
Now scram!
Dad, that was Donny peacock,
and we were 8 years old.
And he ran out of
the house crying.
I am talking about meeting
Doug on Thanksgiving.
You don't remember?
I'll take the Thanksgiving
special, kimiko.
Yes, Arthur-San.
No, that couldn't be the one.
Dad, 1993, I had been
dating Doug a few months,
you were still married to Lily.
You remember?
Here you go, a little
taste of what's coming.
Delicious, as are you, my lady.
Ah.
Guys, guys, guys, guys!
My boyfriend's gonna
be here any minute,
and we're not close to ready. Any
chance we can get dinner going
before you guys get to 3rd base?
You heard her, get off.
So, uh, who is this,
uh, happerman fellow?
Heffernan, dad, Doug Heffernan.
He's the guy I've been
dating for 6 months.
Any relation to Lou Heffernan?
I don't know. Uh,
where's the ladle?
Oh, wouldn't that be funny
if they were related, huh?
Yes, that would be very,
very funny, Lily.
Listen, um, by the
way, you guys,
I took down your naked
poster of John and yoko.
Please don't fight me on that.
So, what is this young man's
line of work, anyway?
Uh, he's training to
be a driver at I.P.S.
Whoa, boy.
Dad, it's a good job.
Yeah, it's a swell job, until
they invent a machine to do it.
Come on, who are you to talk?
You Polish bowling
balls for a living.
I Polish and engrave them.
Show me the machine
that can do that.
Leave her alone, Arthur.
I'm glad she finally found
a boy she's serious about.
Has he told you
he loves you yet?
Oh, not yet. He's not the, uh,
say-I-love-you-out-loud
type of guy.
Hmm.
Well, I know I'm not
your mother, dear,
but may I still offer
you a word of advice?
Oh, sure.
If you wanna make a sale,
you gotta let the customer
sample the merchandise.
Absolutely. I will do
him in his car tonight.
Leave her alone, Lily.
Just because you gave it away,
doesn't mean she should.
Well, I wouldn't have
if you hadn't been
so damn good at the mambo.
♪
Guys, guys, stop that.
Dad, ok, ok. Let me explain
something here. Ok?
I... I really,
really like this guy
and I've put off having him
meet you for 6 months,
but at this point, I'm
running out of excuses.
So if you two could,
I don't know, maybe,
imitate normal people,
just for today, I would
really appreciate it.
Because Doug is
very, very special.
Gotcha. Damn.
Oh! It's worth the
mini-puke to be the best.
See, that's where
we're different.
I'm not that committed.
Hello, Douglas!
Hey, man! Hey, this is the guy
I was telling you
about from work.
Uh, Deacon Palmer,
Spence Olchin.
At your service.
Word up, Spence.
Oh, most people call
me "the spencenator."
So, Doug, are you nervous about
meeting Carrie's family?
Yeah, I kind of am, you know?
I thought I would've
met 'em sooner,
but, uh, apparently they spend
a lot of time in the orient.
So you guys are startin'
to get serious.
I think so. I think so.
Oh. Have you said
the "I" word yet?
Not yet.
It's cocked and loaded, though.
Today could be the day.
You're gonna tell her you love her?
Wow.
The only time I heard
you use that word
was talking about pork
snacks and mookie Wilson.
Well, Carrie's about to
join that exclusive club.
Ho-ho-ho.
♪ Do-do-do-do
♪ Doug and Carrie
♪ can't touch them
ok, this baby is
ready for action.
Good heavens, we've got
a lot of food here.
Hope your Doug
fellow likes to eat.
I think we're good.
Oh, Arthur, I told you, 2
hours ago, to clean up
all these boat brochures.
Well, I'm sorry,
but I'm right on the
verge of a decision.
Stop it, Arthur.
We are not buying a boat.
Oh, come on, Lily darling.
I even have a name all
picked out for her.
The Lily darling.
♪
♪ Know what I mean
Arthur, you are such a dreamer!
I am not. All I have to do is
go to the bank, get a loan,
and 5 minutes later, I'm capt.
Arty of the Lily darling.
It is not that simple
to get a loan, Arthur.
Boats are very expensive.
Oh, I see.
So is this your way of rubbing
the bankruptcy in my face?
♪ Saw her picture
in a magazine ♪
♪ Ba dum, dum
why don't you go back to the
street corner where I found you?
I was waiting for the bus!
Whatever helps you
sleep at night!
Dad, get out of the
bathroom, now!
No! She's violent!
He's a moron!
She shaves her lip!
His nipples don't match!
You're insane!
I heard that!
Crap, he's here!
I'll get it!
Don't get it!
I have to get it!
The poor schmo is standing
right on the porch!
Hi, you must be Doug.
One sec, hon.
He's here! Now get out
of the freakin' crapper!
Dad, will you just come out?
Not until she apologizes.
Lily, just apologize. You
don't have to mean it,
just say the words.
All right. I'm sorry!
Did you hear that, daddy?
She said she's sorry.
That's so sweet of her.
Now come on out.
Are we getting a boat?
Just say yes.
The second lie is always easier.
Yes! We can get a boat.
Ah! Do you hear that, dad?
You're gonna get your boat.
And a jet ski!
A jet ski!
Oh, God.
You're insane! You're
not gonna get anything,
you little pain in the ass!
I hope you stay in
that bathroom forever!
Maybe I will.
And by the way,
I am currently making
a lewd gesture!
Oh, you, miserable old people!
I can't believe you're
doing this to me!
Carrie?
Doug!
It's so nice to
finally meet you.
Come in, please, will you?
So...
Yeah!
How are you enjoying
the food, dear?
Oh. It's... it's great. Thanks.
Oh, thank you so much for
bringing these buffalo wings.
They look delicious.
No problem. Uh, they're
from, uh, Cooper's.
They're... they're
famous for their wings.
Half of these are hot,
the other half are mild.
I didn't know what
you guys liked.
I like hot.
I like mild.
Hey, that's... that's what
makes the world go round, huh?
Question for you: Is Carrie
coming back at any point?
Oh, of course she is!
I think she's having a
visit from her Aunt Flo.
So, how would you like
a nice warm biscuit?
Ok. Yeah, sure.
Be back in a jiff.
Is the bitch gone?
Did someone... Someone... hello?
Is she gone?
Uh, yeah, she's in the kitchen.
Arthur Spooner. I'm
Carrie's father.
Oh, hi. Doug Heffernan.
So, you're with I.P.S., huh?
Yeah, I.P.S., yeah.
Aren't you concerned about
losing your job to a machine?
Not really, no. I, uh...
See, I drive to a lot
of people's houses
and... and deliver
packages to them.
I, uh, don't know really how
a machine would do that.
Oh, it's gonna
happen, my friend.
They're working on
it even as we speak.
They're ready.
I was never here!
Here you go. Piping hot.
Ooh! Let me freshen
up that orangina.
Give me a drumstick!
Drumstick! Now!
Thank you.
There you go, sweetheart.
Where's the other drumstick?
I don't, um, I, uh...
I think this one
started out with one.
Arthur! Give me back
that drumstick!
You'll have to pry it out
of my dead, cold hands!
Excuse me, where...
Where's the bathroom?
The psycho is in it.
Arthur, Doug has to
go to the bathroom!
Now, get out!
No. He can come in if he
wants, but I'm staying.
Son, what do you have,
number 1 or number 2?
So, you've been dating my
daughter for quite a while now.
Huh?
Yes, about, uh, 6
months now, sir.
So, pretty serious?
Oh, yes. She... she's a...
She's a great girl.
And, uh, you are planning
to get the weight off?
Absolutely. I'm on it.
Problem with the plumbing, son?
No, no. You know, I'm
just havin' a hard time
going with you in here.
Oh, why didn't you say so?
By all means, I'll
give you some privacy.
Oh, well, thank you.
So, where're you from?
Regal park.
Oh, wonderful area.
You must know my friend Stan.
Runs the shoe-shine joint
down by the dunkin' donuts.
Nah, you know what? Nope.
Don't know him.
Sure you do.
I'm sorry, don't know, Mr.
Spooner.
For God's sake, son, Stan!
Stan!
Shoe-shine Stan!
Oh, shoe...
Shoe-shine St... yes, oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah, he did rub my shoes.
Yep, yeah.
There you go.
Ok, you know what?
I'm not havin' any
luck with this.
I'm just gonna go up to the
mobile station on the corner.
They're gonna make
you buy something.
Ok.
You out, Doug?
Want some pie?
Oh, sweet freedom!
You're here?
Well, were you here
the whole time?
No. I drove down to the 7-11
to get a pack of capris.
Oh, did you? Oh, that's nice.
Do you mind if I...?
You don't smoke.
That's right, I don't smoke!
Why did you leave?
Because I...
I... I didn't wanna be
there for the moment
when you realized I
come from a crazy farm!
You know what? I would love to
hear this, but I... I gotta pee.
Yeah, ok. You gotta pee.
You know what?
Why don't you call me in 6
months when you're done peeing.
Ok? We'll have a cup of coffee.
6... what are you talking about?
"6 months."
I gotta pee, I'm serious.
Look, if you wanna just go, go!
My... my... my whole life's been a
freak show, I don't even blame you.
What are you doing?
Bye!
I was gonna tell you I
love you today, dumb ass!
I'm really gonna burst.
Douglas!
Oh, God! Now I'm locked up.
Douglas, over here!
Yeah, Mr. Spooner?
Listen, I couldn't help but
overhear your little argument.
Uh, yeah. Do you
think it's possible
that you could send Carrie out?
She's too upset.
You can't talk to her
when she's like this.
Listen, you seem
like a good kid.
Wait here, and I'll
go talk to her.
Try to patch things up.
No promises, but I'll
see what I can do.
Sorry, son. No go.
Really?
Believe me, I tried.
But she didn't wanna
hear a word of it.
Anyway, it was a
pleasure to meet you.
Maybe someday, when
this blows over,
we'll sit on my boat
and have a good laugh.
If you still have to pee,
feel free to go on the azaleas.
They're hers.
Doug?
Yes?
Did you just say you were
gonna tell me you loved me?
Yes. Yes, I did.
Did you just pee in our bushes?
Yes. Yes, I did.
I love you.
I love you, too.
Where you going?
Carrie, come back!
He's got no future!
I'm tellin' you, the two of you
will be livin' in my
house within 5 years!
Carrie!
And we drove off. End of story.
I said "I love you" first,
right after you peed.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Are you even listening
to your own story?
Way before that, I said,
"I love you, dumb ass."
No, no. You said,
"'I was gonna say I
love you, dumb ass.'"
but you didn't actually say it.
And by the way, "dumb ass"
kind of killed it anyway.
Now you're punchin' wild. You
know it's the same thing.
It's not the same thing. If you say
you're gonna take the garbage out,
but you don't actually
take the garbage out,
is the garbage out?
I don't know where
the garbage is...
Look, the point is, the
words "I love you"
were never said
until I said them.
Well, I said "I wanna
have sex" first.
That was all you, yeah.
What's that?
It's the new engraving
and buffing machine.
Thank you.
No, I mean it. Thank you.
Great.
Hey, hey, hey, hey! What
are you doing with that?
Just watchin' the
sunlight hit it.
That is for tomorrow.
But I'm hungry. I'm
just gonna take a leg.
Doug, we are having
guests for Thanksgiving,
and I am not serving them
a one-legged Turkey.
Oh, what a Turkey
can't be handicapped?
What, you got some
kind of problem?
Come on, I will find you something
in there that is good, ok?
Here we go. Let's see...
Ok, you can't have that.
Mashed potatoes, no.
Yams, no. Pie, no.
Ok, you know what? You name
one more thing I can't have,
and I'm gonna bukaw you!
Call it.
I'm sorry. I don't think there's
anything in here that you can have.
How about stuffing?
A little stuffing.
Come on, I love you.
No.
It's stuffing. You can't
tell if stuffing's missing.
I'll remold it,
I'll even it out.
Hey, look at me. No
one has to know.
Ah, ah, ah, look...
look it here.
I found something
that you can have.
Oh, lunchables. Oh, this is...
this is great.
You know why? 'Cause
it's like lunch,
only a lot smaller. This is...
this is going to be perfect.
Thank you very much.
There we go. Hmm.
Mmm.
I'm stuffed!
Uh, I, for one, am stuffed.
Thanksgiving, man. Not a
good day to be my pants.
There aren't a lot
of real good days.
That's nice, very nice,
after we just fed you.
Carrie, the food was unbelievable.
Oh, excellent.
Yes, honey, it was delicious.
Thank you.
Oh, don't thank me. Thank the
good folks at "holiday in a box."
Yeah, but who went
and picked it up?
Actually, they...
they dropped it off.
Well, come on, girl,
who re-heated it?
That's true, I did. Ok,
ok, pride is back.
Ah, you know the food is good
when it knocks a man out cold.
Hey, you wanna stick his
hand in warm water,
see if we can make him pee?
Yeah.
It'll be nice to be on the
other end of that for once.
Even if it does work,
aren't you just going to
be ruining your own couch?
A good point, good point.
Let's see here.
Oh, this is perfect.
This is great.
Oh, man. Shh!
I'm sorry.
It's funny, right?
Actually, my kid could
look exactly like that.
Doug, what the hell
are you doing to him?
We're just dressin' him up
like a big baby, relax.
Stop it!
Just killin' time till dessert.
Doug, it's Thanksgiving.
Could you be nice?
I think I have a right to mess
with him on Thanksgiving.
Dessert's up.
What are you talking about?
Are you kidding me?
Remember how he tortured me
the first Thanksgiving
I met him?
My God, it was hell.
I remember Thanksgiving very well.
It was a great day.
It was the first time I... I got the
nerve up to tell you "I love you."
Got the nerve up?
It wasn't so hard
after I told you.
What? You think you
told me first?
Si, senorita.
Uh, I think I told
you first, senor.
Ok, you know what? Don't go Spanish.
I went Spanish.
Spanish?
That got you up?
You know what? Dad will know.
Dad, do you remember
meeting, uh, Doug
for the first time
on Thanksgiving?
Of course I remember
meeting Doug.
I believe it was Thanksgiving.
Daddy, we're going to the
Thanksgiving party now.
Have fun, sweetheart.
Hey!
You touch one hair on her head,
I'll gut you like a fish.
Now scram!
Dad, that was Donny peacock,
and we were 8 years old.
And he ran out of
the house crying.
I am talking about meeting
Doug on Thanksgiving.
You don't remember?
I'll take the Thanksgiving
special, kimiko.
Yes, Arthur-San.
No, that couldn't be the one.
Dad, 1993, I had been
dating Doug a few months,
you were still married to Lily.
You remember?
Here you go, a little
taste of what's coming.
Delicious, as are you, my lady.
Ah.
Guys, guys, guys, guys!
My boyfriend's gonna
be here any minute,
and we're not close to ready. Any
chance we can get dinner going
before you guys get to 3rd base?
You heard her, get off.
So, uh, who is this,
uh, happerman fellow?
Heffernan, dad, Doug Heffernan.
He's the guy I've been
dating for 6 months.
Any relation to Lou Heffernan?
I don't know. Uh,
where's the ladle?
Oh, wouldn't that be funny
if they were related, huh?
Yes, that would be very,
very funny, Lily.
Listen, um, by the
way, you guys,
I took down your naked
poster of John and yoko.
Please don't fight me on that.
So, what is this young man's
line of work, anyway?
Uh, he's training to
be a driver at I.P.S.
Whoa, boy.
Dad, it's a good job.
Yeah, it's a swell job, until
they invent a machine to do it.
Come on, who are you to talk?
You Polish bowling
balls for a living.
I Polish and engrave them.
Show me the machine
that can do that.
Leave her alone, Arthur.
I'm glad she finally found
a boy she's serious about.
Has he told you
he loves you yet?
Oh, not yet. He's not the, uh,
say-I-love-you-out-loud
type of guy.
Hmm.
Well, I know I'm not
your mother, dear,
but may I still offer
you a word of advice?
Oh, sure.
If you wanna make a sale,
you gotta let the customer
sample the merchandise.
Absolutely. I will do
him in his car tonight.
Leave her alone, Lily.
Just because you gave it away,
doesn't mean she should.
Well, I wouldn't have
if you hadn't been
so damn good at the mambo.
♪
Guys, guys, stop that.
Dad, ok, ok. Let me explain
something here. Ok?
I... I really,
really like this guy
and I've put off having him
meet you for 6 months,
but at this point, I'm
running out of excuses.
So if you two could,
I don't know, maybe,
imitate normal people,
just for today, I would
really appreciate it.
Because Doug is
very, very special.
Gotcha. Damn.
Oh! It's worth the
mini-puke to be the best.
See, that's where
we're different.
I'm not that committed.
Hello, Douglas!
Hey, man! Hey, this is the guy
I was telling you
about from work.
Uh, Deacon Palmer,
Spence Olchin.
At your service.
Word up, Spence.
Oh, most people call
me "the spencenator."
So, Doug, are you nervous about
meeting Carrie's family?
Yeah, I kind of am, you know?
I thought I would've
met 'em sooner,
but, uh, apparently they spend
a lot of time in the orient.
So you guys are startin'
to get serious.
I think so. I think so.
Oh. Have you said
the "I" word yet?
Not yet.
It's cocked and loaded, though.
Today could be the day.
You're gonna tell her you love her?
Wow.
The only time I heard
you use that word
was talking about pork
snacks and mookie Wilson.
Well, Carrie's about to
join that exclusive club.
Ho-ho-ho.
♪ Do-do-do-do
♪ Doug and Carrie
♪ can't touch them
ok, this baby is
ready for action.
Good heavens, we've got
a lot of food here.
Hope your Doug
fellow likes to eat.
I think we're good.
Oh, Arthur, I told you, 2
hours ago, to clean up
all these boat brochures.
Well, I'm sorry,
but I'm right on the
verge of a decision.
Stop it, Arthur.
We are not buying a boat.
Oh, come on, Lily darling.
I even have a name all
picked out for her.
The Lily darling.
♪
♪ Know what I mean
Arthur, you are such a dreamer!
I am not. All I have to do is
go to the bank, get a loan,
and 5 minutes later, I'm capt.
Arty of the Lily darling.
It is not that simple
to get a loan, Arthur.
Boats are very expensive.
Oh, I see.
So is this your way of rubbing
the bankruptcy in my face?
♪ Saw her picture
in a magazine ♪
♪ Ba dum, dum
why don't you go back to the
street corner where I found you?
I was waiting for the bus!
Whatever helps you
sleep at night!
Dad, get out of the
bathroom, now!
No! She's violent!
He's a moron!
She shaves her lip!
His nipples don't match!
You're insane!
I heard that!
Crap, he's here!
I'll get it!
Don't get it!
I have to get it!
The poor schmo is standing
right on the porch!
Hi, you must be Doug.
One sec, hon.
He's here! Now get out
of the freakin' crapper!
Dad, will you just come out?
Not until she apologizes.
Lily, just apologize. You
don't have to mean it,
just say the words.
All right. I'm sorry!
Did you hear that, daddy?
She said she's sorry.
That's so sweet of her.
Now come on out.
Are we getting a boat?
Just say yes.
The second lie is always easier.
Yes! We can get a boat.
Ah! Do you hear that, dad?
You're gonna get your boat.
And a jet ski!
A jet ski!
Oh, God.
You're insane! You're
not gonna get anything,
you little pain in the ass!
I hope you stay in
that bathroom forever!
Maybe I will.
And by the way,
I am currently making
a lewd gesture!
Oh, you, miserable old people!
I can't believe you're
doing this to me!
Carrie?
Doug!
It's so nice to
finally meet you.
Come in, please, will you?
So...
Yeah!
How are you enjoying
the food, dear?
Oh. It's... it's great. Thanks.
Oh, thank you so much for
bringing these buffalo wings.
They look delicious.
No problem. Uh, they're
from, uh, Cooper's.
They're... they're
famous for their wings.
Half of these are hot,
the other half are mild.
I didn't know what
you guys liked.
I like hot.
I like mild.
Hey, that's... that's what
makes the world go round, huh?
Question for you: Is Carrie
coming back at any point?
Oh, of course she is!
I think she's having a
visit from her Aunt Flo.
So, how would you like
a nice warm biscuit?
Ok. Yeah, sure.
Be back in a jiff.
Is the bitch gone?
Did someone... Someone... hello?
Is she gone?
Uh, yeah, she's in the kitchen.
Arthur Spooner. I'm
Carrie's father.
Oh, hi. Doug Heffernan.
So, you're with I.P.S., huh?
Yeah, I.P.S., yeah.
Aren't you concerned about
losing your job to a machine?
Not really, no. I, uh...
See, I drive to a lot
of people's houses
and... and deliver
packages to them.
I, uh, don't know really how
a machine would do that.
Oh, it's gonna
happen, my friend.
They're working on
it even as we speak.
They're ready.
I was never here!
Here you go. Piping hot.
Ooh! Let me freshen
up that orangina.
Give me a drumstick!
Drumstick! Now!
Thank you.
There you go, sweetheart.
Where's the other drumstick?
I don't, um, I, uh...
I think this one
started out with one.
Arthur! Give me back
that drumstick!
You'll have to pry it out
of my dead, cold hands!
Excuse me, where...
Where's the bathroom?
The psycho is in it.
Arthur, Doug has to
go to the bathroom!
Now, get out!
No. He can come in if he
wants, but I'm staying.
Son, what do you have,
number 1 or number 2?
So, you've been dating my
daughter for quite a while now.
Huh?
Yes, about, uh, 6
months now, sir.
So, pretty serious?
Oh, yes. She... she's a...
She's a great girl.
And, uh, you are planning
to get the weight off?
Absolutely. I'm on it.
Problem with the plumbing, son?
No, no. You know, I'm
just havin' a hard time
going with you in here.
Oh, why didn't you say so?
By all means, I'll
give you some privacy.
Oh, well, thank you.
So, where're you from?
Regal park.
Oh, wonderful area.
You must know my friend Stan.
Runs the shoe-shine joint
down by the dunkin' donuts.
Nah, you know what? Nope.
Don't know him.
Sure you do.
I'm sorry, don't know, Mr.
Spooner.
For God's sake, son, Stan!
Stan!
Shoe-shine Stan!
Oh, shoe...
Shoe-shine St... yes, oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah, he did rub my shoes.
Yep, yeah.
There you go.
Ok, you know what?
I'm not havin' any
luck with this.
I'm just gonna go up to the
mobile station on the corner.
They're gonna make
you buy something.
Ok.
You out, Doug?
Want some pie?
Oh, sweet freedom!
You're here?
Well, were you here
the whole time?
No. I drove down to the 7-11
to get a pack of capris.
Oh, did you? Oh, that's nice.
Do you mind if I...?
You don't smoke.
That's right, I don't smoke!
Why did you leave?
Because I...
I... I didn't wanna be
there for the moment
when you realized I
come from a crazy farm!
You know what? I would love to
hear this, but I... I gotta pee.
Yeah, ok. You gotta pee.
You know what?
Why don't you call me in 6
months when you're done peeing.
Ok? We'll have a cup of coffee.
6... what are you talking about?
"6 months."
I gotta pee, I'm serious.
Look, if you wanna just go, go!
My... my... my whole life's been a
freak show, I don't even blame you.
What are you doing?
Bye!
I was gonna tell you I
love you today, dumb ass!
I'm really gonna burst.
Douglas!
Oh, God! Now I'm locked up.
Douglas, over here!
Yeah, Mr. Spooner?
Listen, I couldn't help but
overhear your little argument.
Uh, yeah. Do you
think it's possible
that you could send Carrie out?
She's too upset.
You can't talk to her
when she's like this.
Listen, you seem
like a good kid.
Wait here, and I'll
go talk to her.
Try to patch things up.
No promises, but I'll
see what I can do.
Sorry, son. No go.
Really?
Believe me, I tried.
But she didn't wanna
hear a word of it.
Anyway, it was a
pleasure to meet you.
Maybe someday, when
this blows over,
we'll sit on my boat
and have a good laugh.
If you still have to pee,
feel free to go on the azaleas.
They're hers.
Doug?
Yes?
Did you just say you were
gonna tell me you loved me?
Yes. Yes, I did.
Did you just pee in our bushes?
Yes. Yes, I did.
I love you.
I love you, too.
Where you going?
Carrie, come back!
He's got no future!
I'm tellin' you, the two of you
will be livin' in my
house within 5 years!
Carrie!
And we drove off. End of story.
I said "I love you" first,
right after you peed.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Are you even listening
to your own story?
Way before that, I said,
"I love you, dumb ass."
No, no. You said,
"'I was gonna say I
love you, dumb ass.'"
but you didn't actually say it.
And by the way, "dumb ass"
kind of killed it anyway.
Now you're punchin' wild. You
know it's the same thing.
It's not the same thing. If you say
you're gonna take the garbage out,
but you don't actually
take the garbage out,
is the garbage out?
I don't know where
the garbage is...
Look, the point is, the
words "I love you"
were never said
until I said them.
Well, I said "I wanna
have sex" first.
That was all you, yeah.
What's that?
It's the new engraving
and buffing machine.