The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 3, Episode 7 - Strike Out - full transcript

I'm home.

Doug?

Dad?

Anyone?

Hello?

Oh, good lord.

Doug?

Why are you back in the house?

Did you forget your keys?

It's 6:30. I have been
at work for 11 hours.

Wow.



Have you even been up?

Have you done anything today?

I'm gonna level with you, honey.

This one got away from me.

Oh. Well, at least you
had your daily pizza.

Did I? I thought I dreamt that.

No. That's... that's very real.

So are the fritos on our bed.

Yeah. I was gonna clean that
up, but then I... I didn't.

For God sakes, Doug,
look at yourself.

What difference does it make how I look?
I'm on strike.

I have no one to
see, nothin' to do.

It wouldn't kill you to
call me once in a while.

Ah, I tried, but the phone
has been busy all day.



Oh, yeah, sorry. I was on
hold to talk to baba booey.

Gosh, this is really disgusting.

Oh.

Well, I'm glad to see that you
got your cardio workout in.

Hey, at least I got the mail.

Doug, look, I know the strike has
been very, very hard on you,

but you have to pull yourself
out of this nosedive.

All right.

No, no. Not all right.

Honey, I love you so much,

so please, please, please,

believe me when I tell you this.

You smell.

Is it me? I thought
that was the toppings.

We're going to Deacon
and Kelly's for dinner,

so I want you to get up, ok?

Get in the shower.
Come on, honey.

And give yourself
a nice scraping.

All right.

And shave.

No. No, I like the beard.

I'm gonna keep this.
I worked hard on it.

Yes, and you did a
beautiful job, first-rate.

Now shave it.

Hey, down there. Got
some dinner for you.

Oh, there you are, darling.

Could you give me
the time, the date,

and the month.

You couldn't come up with
one of those on your own?

I'm just tryin' to
set this damn watch.

It keeps flashing all
9s since I bought it.

All right. There's a clock.

There's a calendar.

Go nuts.

Wow. According to this,

Jesus is coming tomorrow.

That's Jesus, the furnace guy.

So, other than falling
into a wrinkle in time,

how was your day?

Well, I woke up and I
figured I had 2 options.

Either wallow in self-pity,

or seize the day
and clip articles.

Good for you, dad.

I found some riveting stuff.

I can now recommend a
clothing-optional bed-and-breakfast

in spokane, Washington,

and a fascinating piece
on what people earn.

Anyway, a manila
folder awaits you

buxom with knowledge.

So did you spend any
time with Doug?

No. Why, was he home?

Yes.

How can you two spend the
whole day in the same house

and not see each other?

I tell you, darling,

for a big man, he
moves on cat's feet.

Hello.

Oh, God.

What? I shaved.

All right. Forget it.

Let's just go, Elvis.

Thank you very much.

Yeah, yeah. Funny, funny.

That's funny. Let's go.

Hey. Hi.

Come on in. Dinner's
about 20 minutes off.

Think you could stay
awake that long?

Shut-off.

So, where's my cocoa dream boy?

He's in the bedroom
with the kids.

Thank you.

Well, he's looking
very Scottish.

That's putting it nicely.

How's Deac?

A mess. You wanna trade?

Uh, yeah.

Come on. Reach for
the cat dancer.

That's right.

Ah, don't make daddy get up.

Solidarity, my union brother.

Hey. Nice.

Hey, back at ya.

So what'd you, uh, do today?

You're lookin' at it.

You?

I rested.

Hmm.

Hey, hey. Here it
goes, here it goes.

Just set it and forget it.

And it's getting
worse every day.

Last night, he fell asleep with
a chicken wing in his mouth.

Looked like a snake
swallowing its dinner.

So, how's Deacon doin'?

Oh, he's great. This morning, I
caught him talking to a sock.

Any sex life anymore?

Barely.

Since the strike, I'm lucky
if I get it once a night.

Sorry.

And God forbid I
should bring up money.

I mean, that is a
guaranteed fight.

"I'm the man of this house.

I will provide for this family."

So is he gonna get
a part-time job?

No, he borrowed from my mother.

Which, by the way, I mean, if you guys
need a little something... you know.

No, no, no. Kel, that is so
sweet, but we'll be fine.

We have some in savings.

Plus my dad said, if
things got really bad,

he'd go to the food fair
and slip on some grapes.

That's nice.

I just wish there was a way

to bring Doug back
from the dead.

It's, like, if these guys can't
wear shorts and deliver packages,

they... they lose the
ability to move.

And yet they still manage
to get on our nerves.

I mean, Deacon's even
starting to annoy the kids.

Do you understand what it takes

to annoy a 10-month-old baby?

Well, at least you only got
Deacon to worry about.

I got Doug and basement man.

Your dad. That is a rough combo.

Yeah. Plus basement man
ain't going back to work.

Maybe we should throw them
all in a room together.

What, like a play group?

Yeah, why not?

Maybe spending a day
out of their bedrooms

will give them a
kick in the pants.

Plus, at least they'd
have to wear pants.

Hey, listen, at this point,
I'm willing to try anything.

Come on. Let's go round
'em up for dinner.

Ok.

Hmm.

Ok. Let's eat.

Yeah.

I don't understand.

Dad, there is nothing
to understand.

Just sit here and enjoy
the day together.

What is this, some kind of ruse

so you can go through my stuff?

'Cause if it is, I
need about 20 minutes.

This is stupid.

Doug, come on.

Deacon's here. He's your friend.

You have fun together.

I know, but now
there's the baby.

And him.

Hey, you're no day at the
beach either, jumbo.

Shut up.

You shut up.

Ok, both of you shut up.

And have fun together.

Don't make me knock heads here.

Fine, whatever. Thank you.

Ok, honey, you're all set.
Here's his see 'n say,

his binkies, wipes, talc,
diapers and butt cream.

Butt cream?

Where's this day headin'?

Yeah, you wish.

Like I'd waste a
wish on that, huh?

So, I'll have to
watch him all day?

You can handle it, honey.

Come on, I've got to go
chaperone Kirby's class trip.

Class trip.

3rd one this year. See, that's
why kids can't read today.

Yes, 'cause of trips to
the zoo, that's right.

Ok. So you got your snacks,

the remote, and each other.

Go to town. And no napping.

Come on. I'll drop
you at the train.

Ok. Have fun, you guys.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Think this will work?

It's either this or the marines.

There we go.

What do you got there, a baby?

Yeah.

Ok.

Ok.

This is a pig.

The cow says...

Ok. You know what? You
only pulled it twice,

and I'm ready to go
on a shooting spree.

Would you rather have him cry?

Yes.

♪

Anyone want a beer?

I'm game.

Deac, how about you?

Nah. It's 9:30,

and I do have a baby.

It's not like you're
breast-feeding.

Still, no.

Whatever. Forget it.

Suit yourselves.

I'm still pretty mellow,

thanks to the good
folks at pfizer.

Here you go, here you go.

The cow says...

Here you go.

The cow says...

Ok, you know what? It says "moo"
every damn time. We get it.

It does not go "moo"
every time, all right?

It's completely random.

Yeah? $5 says the
next one's a "moo."

I'll take some action on that.

I got a double
sawbuck on "oink."

All right. I guess
I'm the house.

All bets on the
table, gentlemen.

Come on, you stinking sheep.
Make it happen.

The sheep goes...

Whoa! What a rush.

Ok. Let it all ride on...

I got a gut feeling here.

Put me down for
whatever frog says.

Come on, froggie,
froggie, froggie!

Come on, froggie, froggie, froggie!
Come on, froggie!

Moo for daddy!

Do you hear the frog?

Ribbit! Sweet ribbit!

Hot cha-cha! Pay the man.

Ok, Douglas.

You're white-hot, Douglas.

Yeah, you rode the
frog to the top.

But remember, the wheel of
fortune is a fickle whore.

Hey, lady! Nice pants suit.

Vivian Vance called.

She wants it back.

Oh, man.

Hey, think I should
cover him up?

I don't want him
to get sunburned.

I'll be honest with you, Deac.

That's your call.

Hey.

Yeah?

I'm looking for forest
hills high school.

I thought it was around here.

Watch this.

Man, you are lost.

Hang a u-ey. Stay on this road

till you get to the long island
expressway and get on it.

Yeah, and then you
take the expressway

all the way to industrial
park boulevard.

You... you go about
8 Miles on that.

Just keep huggin' the railroad.

Yeah, then park and walk
past the rivet warehouse.

You can't miss it.

Uh, thanks.

He bought it.

Oh, that was pretty sweet, man.

Whoo.

You know what, boys?
Let's hit the streets.

♪ Fight the power

♪ fight the power

♪ fight the power

♪ fight the power

♪ fight the power

♪ fight the power

♪ fight the power

♪ we've got to fight
the powers that be ♪

♪ fight the power

♪ fight the power

♪ fight the power

♪ fight the power

♪ fight the power

♪ fight the power

♪ we've got to fight
the powers that be ♪

I gotta say, this has

worked out much better
than I thought.

They're clean,

reasonably presentable.

I know, and they
don't even smell.

And we're downwind.

Ok, just spoke to the guy.

We should have a seat
in a few minutes.

Thank you, honey.

And might I say, you look
awfully cute tonight.

Can't help it.

Mccracken. Party of 5.
Mccracken.

I-I-I-I'm sorry. Which
mccracken is that?

Phil mccracken.

Not without dinner and drinks.

That's us. That's us. That's us.

Oh, man.

Hey, how ya doin'?

Curly mcirish.

Better get our drink orders
in before he hits the bar.

Hey, Arthur, I'll give you
$10 if you chug the tabasco.

Oh, you just lost yourself
a double finsky, son.

Hey, Deac, you
want some of this.

No way, man. He's got
the eye of the tiger.

How about I up the stakes, huh?

I'll drink the tabasco

and chase it with a
pitcher of curdled cream.

Oh, it's on, baby.

Whoa, whoa, wait a minute.

What are we doing?

Relax, darling. It's like
taking candy from a baby.

Dad, no. No.

Let go of it.

You cannot drink
tabasco and cream.

You've got an ulcer, and
you're lactose intolerant.

What the hell is going
on with you guys?

Nothin'. We're just
grabbin' some kicks,

lettin' our freak flags fly.

You know, I got a really weird
message on the machine tonight

from Mrs. kralick
down the street.

What does she want?

Did you do something
to her mailbox?

Yeah, did she happen to
mention that she started it?

Busted. Busted.

Hey, check this out.

How ya doin'?

Well, this has worked out
just lovely, hasn't it?

I don't know what you're lookin' at me for.
Puttin' 'em together was your idea.

At least I had an idea, Kel.

Ok, you know what?
Not your best.

Cat fight! Make out.

Kiss her. Kiss her.

We've got some complaints
about the noise over here.

Could you please
keep it down a bit.

Oh, uh, we're very sorry.

That's quite all right.
Enjoy your dinner.

Oh, I'll get that.

Hey, you feeling all
right there, chief?

I'm sorry, folks. It just
don't get funnier than that.

Hey, guy,

why don't you wear those
pants a little higher.

Yeah. You can button
them around your neck.

All right, who's empty?

Well, I'll take another one.

Yeah, hit me, too.

Ok. Watch my baby.

Got you covered, stretch.

Look, look, look. Cop car.

Hey! Somebody cookin' bacon?

Oh, God!

Attica! Attica!

That's right. Keep
movin', officer krupke.

I'll be right back.

City morgue.

Nah, just kiddin'. This is Doug.
Who this?

Oh, hey, Pete.

Really?

Oh, man, that's great.

Yeah. No, no. We'll be there.

All right, man.

Take it easy.

What's goin' on?

Strike's over.

We're back at work tomorrow.

You got it.

Plenty of room.

Keep comin'.

Oh, that was beautiful.

So, fellas, don't
forget about tomorrow.

We're stealin' that street
sign from Arthur Avenue.

What's the matter?

You going soft on
me all of a sudden?

No. It's just, uh,
strike's over.

What?

It's over.

We go back to work tomorrow.

Tomorrow?

What about my street sign?

We all agreed it would
look so good over my bed.

I know, but the
strike's settled.

Our union accepted a new offer.

Oh.

They accepted it, did they?

Well, I got news for
you, my friend.

Your union sold you out!

We got an 8 percent
pay increase.

So it's all about
the money, then?

The filthy lucre.

Well, fine. Here.

Here's some blood money for ya.

You want some more?

Here. Here's some more.

Crawl for it. Go
ahead, crawl for it.

Actually, I need that back.

Manly, yes, but I like it, too.

Yeah, the face is back.

And seeing you in
that uniform again...

Yummy.

I would take you right now

if the world didn't
need its packages.

Yeah, I'd take you right now if I
hadn't just taken you last night.

As you know, I need a
24-hour turnaround.

Whoa.

Hello.

Dad, you can't just come up here.
I'm in my bra.

Settle down. I've seen better.

Ow.

Anyhow, I just came up
to talk to Douglas.

Fine.

What's up?

Oh, not too much. I just
wanted to, uh, wish you luck

on your first day back at work.

Oh, well, thank you, Arthur.

I would've done it yesterday,

but I guess I let my emotions
get the better of me.

That was quite a
crying jag, yeah.

I also wanted to say

the time we spent together

was very special to me, Douglas.

I haven't felt such camaraderie

since socialist summer camp.

Yeah, we did have
some good times.

I gotta tell you, Arthur,

not many guys your age can
outrun mall security.

You flatter me.

So...

I guess it's time for you
to punch the clock, huh?

Yeah. I gotta...

You know, I was thinkin'...

Yes?

Just 'cause I'm
going back to work

doesn't mean we can't do stuff,

you know, once in a while.

Well, perhaps, if you're
free after dinner,

we could settle our
unfinished business

with that Pakistani
family down the street.

I believe the ball
is in our court.

You're on, my friend.

♪ Fight the power