The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 3, Episode 20 - Separation Anxiety - full transcript

No, sweetie, it's no problem.

We can come pick you up.

Yeah, ok, we'll see you then.

Bye-bye.

What are you doin'?

The other day I...
I cut out a coupon

to supersize your popcorn
for free at the movies,

and now I don't know
what I did with it.

Well, we have to
leave in a minute

so you may have to kiss
that dream goodbye.

Why don't you just pay for
whatever popcorn you want?



No, 'cause you're gonna
pressure me to get a medium.

If I have the coupon,
it's out of our hands.

Who was that on the phone?

Oh, that was Kelly. She's
coming with us tonight.

Oh, really?

What?

Would you rather she
sit at home alone,

depressed that she and
Deacon are separated?

I wouldn't say "rather".

Well, she is coming.
So back it down.

But you know I feel bad
that they're not together.

You know I do.

It's just... This threesome
thing is just brutal.

They always seat you
at a table for 4.



Then they whip away that
extra napkin and silverware.

It's very upsetting to me.

Really?

You didn't seem that
upset 2 nights ago,

when we went out
with just Deacon.

It was a buffet.

We've gone out with Deacon alone

and now we're goin'
out with Kelly alone.

They're both our friends.

Can we just be
honest here, please?

Kelly is your friend,
Deacon is my friend.

Why can't we just
say it out loud?

Ok. Yes, Kelly is my friend.

She is my best friend, ok?

And you're lucky that I even agreed
to go out with Deacon at all!

Ok?

This whole separation is all his fault.
Am I wrong?

Tell me, huh, huh, huh?

Look, all right, let's not
have that fight again.

The last time we did, you
yelled a lot and scared me.

But you did say that it was good

that they agreed to go to
counseling, didn't ya?

Huh? You did say that, huh, huh?

Yes, that's true.

Yeah, yeah, doesn't feel so good when
the "huhs" turn against you, does it?

All right, come on.
We're gonna be late.

So tuck or suck somethin'
in there and let's go.

I'm gonna tuck.

Oh, and by the way,

here's your coupon
and it's expired.

Son of a "b"!

I'm gonna try it anyway.

If they say anything, I'll
pretend I didn't notice.

Hey! Hi, guys.

What's up, guys?

Deac, you're here?

Uh...

Did you guys, like,
work things out?

No, Deacon's just here watching
the kids while we go out.

Oh, well, th-that's great, too.

'Cause, I mean, together or
apart, you two are both great.

Like lamb chops and mint jelly.

Actually mint jelly on its own,

hmm, not so great.

I'm not sayin' which one of you is mint
jelly and which one is a lamb chop.

Honey, would you suck on one of these?
Yeah, I'm gonna do that.

So, Kel, what movie
do you wanna see?

I don't know. I kind of wanna see
something mindless. Like, uh,

what's that thriller where the earth
is losing its gravitational pull?

Oh, floaters, yeah, I'll
see that, right, honey?

Uh, everything on the planet
is floating up into space?

What part of me would not
wanna see that movie?

I... I... I thought we said we
were gonna see that together.

Oh, all right, you know, he...
he... he's right.

Can... can we... can
we see something else?

I kinda really wanna
see floaters, though.

Yeah, me, too.

Guy?

Just see it with them.

Ok.

But I'm gonna name
my popcorn Deacon.

Sweet.

All right, look. I-I'm just gonna
take the kids back to Spence's.

Put 'em to bed by 8:00.

Kel.

I know when to put
my kids to bed.

Just reminding you.

You're implying I don't know
how to care for my own kids.

Well, since you refused
to go to counseling,

I just assumed that you really
don't care about much of anything.

An earth with no gravity, huh?

I wonder if they can get me up.

Wait a minute.

You guys are not going
to counseling anymore?

Apparently Deacon doesn't think it's the
best way for us to solve our problems.

Look, the therapist is a woman
whose husband cheated on her.

Yeah, Deacon wants
to find a therapist

who's in favor of infidelity.

I never touched
Angie, all right?

We had dinner a few
times, and it's over.

And I said I made a mistake, ok?

We don't need a therapist to
tell us the exact same thing.

You guys hate to miss the
previews as much as I do?

How beautiful was that?

I handed the girl a
strategically-folded coupon,

hiding the expiration date.

She hands me a
supersize popcorn.

Yeah, way to go.

You outsmarted a 13-year-old
girl with an eye-patch.

Oh, my God! Bill, Mickey!

Carrie, hey, how are you?

Good, everything's good.

Um, Bill and Mickey designed the whole
computer systems for our office.

This is my husband Doug,
and my friend Kelly.

Hi.

Nice to meet you.

So, computers...

I hear they just boil down to
a series of ones and zeros.

Yeah, pretty much.

I don't know how that means I can
get naked women on my screen,

but God bless you people.

Should we decide who
gets this armrest now,

or just let it be a free-for-all
once the movie starts?

Well, you know, I got
pretty sharp nails

and I'm not afraid to use 'em.

It's all you.

♪

And we're gonna
blow this up, see?

This is an air mattress.

This is where
you're gonna sleep.

It's like sleeping on a raft.

Why are you living here?

It's a raft!

All right, look.

Here's the thing.

I have to stay here for a while

because mommy and I are...

Taking a time-out.

Will you move back
home tomorrow?

Well, I, uh...

Fish sticks are served!

God bless you.

Yeah.

I want you to be careful 'cause
this plate is piping hot.

And some cheerios for
your little brother.

So, what were we talkin' about?

I don't like it here.
And I miss mommy.

Hmm.

Uh, do you... Do
you mind if I...

Go ahead.

Kirby.

I could never
replace your mommy.

And...

I would never want to.

But I live with your daddy now.

And I think if we
try really hard,

we can build a relationship
that's completely our own.

Hey, you could think of
me as your step-Spence.

Or your guy-mom.

What have I done?

Well, that was the worst piece
of crap I've ever seen.

I know, and the
ending was so lame.

There's no gravity.

So they build a roof
over the entire world.

I mean, come on.

Yeah, it, uh, sucked.
Definitely sucked.

Hey, look at that. Bulk candy.

Finally I decide
how much I want.

I'm gonna go hit the bathroom.

Oh, you know what? I'm
gonna stop off, too.

It was very nice meeting you.

Yes, it was a pleasure
to meet you, too, Kelly.

Kelly, more like
smelly, am I right?

You know what? I was
gonna ask you, um,

is she available? I mean,
what's her situation?

She's married.

Um, actually, she's separated.

No, she's not.

I mean... I mean she... She is.
But it's like...

If your favorite plate breaks,

the 2 halves are separated.

But all you really need
is some crazy glue.

Yes. But until that
plate gets fixed,

then you maybe need to eat
on a new plate for a while.

Especially when one half of the old
plate refuses to go to counseling.

You know what I'm saying, Bill?

No, he doesn't know
what you're sayin'.

Because I'm sure he,
like most people,

has crazy glue in the house,

and knows it dries
pretty much instantly.

Ok, I guess what we're saying is we
don't exactly know where she's at.

Ok, well,

if she decides to
get back out there,

here's my card, and you
just have her call me.

Ok. Great.

Actually, I'll see
you next week.

I gotta come in and
debug your system.

All right, I'll see you then.

Ok, now. Whatever.

You better debug
your attitude first.

Ready?

What's up?

Nothing.

Come on, let's go.

Hon,

this way.

Yeah, f.Y.I., supersize
gets free refills.

I just don't see how
you could do that.

I didn't do anything.

I didn't even give her the card.

You set them up.

I introduced them, ok?

They were sitting right
next to each other.

I also introduced you.

Does that mean I'm setting
you up with the little one?

Ok, first of all, the
little one has a name.

I'm not sure what it
is, but he has one.

And it was very clear
what was goin' on there.

You're still mad at Deacon and you're
tryin' to help Kelly get back at him.

Well, ok, maybe, that's true.

But why shouldn't she date?
He had his share.

I knew it! Women hate men!

Why... why do you
hate us so much?

Is it 'cause we can
pee standing up?

Oh, that makes you
crazy, doesn't it?

Who brings a bucket of popcorn
home from the movies?

I mean, who does this?

Someone who thinks when you're
allowed to get a free refill,

you get your free refill.

It's called good
money management.

What are you lookin'
at that for?

You're not actually thinkin' of
givin' her the guy's card, are you?

I'm thinkin' about it, yes.

Mmm-hmm. Ok.

Can I, uh, can I see it?

Come on.

Let me hold it, come on.

You're gonna rip it up!

I'm not gonna rip it up. I just
wanna see his title and stuff.

I wanna see what kind of guy
is interested in Kelly.

She's my friend, too, you know?

Come on, I promise
I won't rip it.

Are you gonna eat it?

Hey, I'm a grown man.

I'm not gonna eat
the guy's card.

Ok.

Here you go.

I can still rip it.

Stop!

You cannot set Kelly up.

That would be like...
like incest.

How is that like incest?

Ok. Obviously you don't
know what incest means.

No, obviously,

you don't know
what incest means.

Hello.

Hey, it's me.

Oh, hey, babe, you all right?

Yeah. I'm sorry if I
was a downer tonight.

No, no, no, no, you were great.

I don't mean this as
anything against you guys,

but it kind of sucks
being the 3rd wheel.

You know what, hang
on one second, ok?

Ok.

I want to tell her
about the guy.

No.

Doug, she is feeling
really down.

I want to give her an ego boost.

No... no. Maybe she's just
shaken over the harsh reality

that earth could lose
its gravitational pull.

I'll tell her.

Kel? Yeah.

Um, you know Bill, the guy you
met at the movies tonight?

He thinks you're ugly!
He's gay! He's gay!

Stop.

Uh, when you were
in the bathroom...

If you do that, I swear I will dump
your whole makeup case into the trash.

I'll do it.

He actually asked if
you were available.

He did?

Bye-bye.

I'll fish that out.

Man, these pigs in
blankets are incredible.

Thanks, man. You know,

I glazed the wieners
with brown sugar,

with just a touch
of chilly powder,

to awaken people's
hidden appetites.

I'm uncomfortable,
but eating, anyway.

Hey, guy. Hey.

Hey, the kids are here,
what a surprise.

What's up?

Kelly asked me to baby-sit them
last minute. Is that cool?

What, are you kiddin'? Now I'll have to
finish building lego city by myself.

Yeah.

Yeah, come on. And
here's my little man.

Come on.

It's weird, man, I mean,

Kelly said she was
going out somewhere,

but she wouldn't say with whom.

Women. Hey, come on, man,
let's watch the knick game.

Oh, look, white guy.

They're funny.

Wait.

You know who she's
with, don't you?

Me? Oh, no.

No.

She... she might
be out on a date.

Oh, man, I knew it!

Who is it? How did she meet him?

Actually, Carrie knows the guy.

We ran into him last
week at the movies.

Floaters, not worth
your time, by the way.

I can't believe it, you
set my wife up on a date?

No, no. I tried to stop it.

Oh, man.

Come on, guy, just
relax, all right?

So she's out with some loser,
what's the worst that can happen?

He can have sex with my wife.

Ok, right. Yeah.

Ok, but then you know what?

You never slept with
that other woman,

so if Kelly sleeps
with this guy,

she'd be in the wrong and that
gives you the upper hand.

Slap it high!

Look. Who... who's the guy, man?

Just... just some
guy, your basic guy.

C-come on, I got to know.

His name is Bill. Bill.

What kind of name is that? Bill.

Is that short for William?

Y-you know what he does?

I think he designs computer systems
or something lame like that.

Well, what does he look like?

Nothing special. You wouldn't
even give him a second look,

if he wasn't dating your wife.

Oh, man, where did they go?
I got to go look at him.

That's a bad idea. And anyway,
I don't know where they are.

Hello.

Hey, baby cakes.

Hey, sweetie. How's the game?

It's good, it's good.
I just, uh,

wanted to call and say hi.

So, uh, tonight is
Kelly's date, right?

Yeah.

I was thinkin' about it and, uh,

maybe it is a good thing.

Maybe it will help her think
things through about Deac.

Really, honey? Well...

I'm glad you came around.

Yeah, me, too, me, too.

So where did they go, anyway?

I think they were just going
to a movie at the loyola.

Oh, great, thanks.

For what?

What do you mean, "thanks"?

I... I... I mean, uh...

Thanks for bein' the best damn
thing that ever happened to me.

Wait a minute.
You're with Deacon.

Got another call. I love you.

Oh, God.

Then I went to St. John's
to get my masters,

when I got sidetracked
into this computer thing.

Oh, really? My husband,
I mean my ex...

My, uh, separated...

Deacon.

Yeah, he went to St. John's.

God, I'm sorry. I
keep mentioning him.

I must be a real joy to be with.

It's ok.

Maybe for an encore, you can
change my baby's diaper.

Can't believe they made me
buy a ticket to do this.

There they are.

All right, fine.
Ok, you saw them.

Come on, time to go.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

I feel like I got
to do something.

What can you do?

I don't know. Just
seeing that guy,

you know. He's good-looking.

He designs computers.

I'm just a delivery guy. I'm...
I'm a glorified donkey.

Hey, don't put yourself down,

and me in the process.

Why don't you go there
and talk to her for me?

No... no, you can talk
to her after the date.

I can't face her.
Just go in there,

and tell her I want to
go back to counseling.

I don't think...

Doug, please, man.

For me?

Excuse me, I have to get
back in there, thanks.

Sorry. God, that was your
foot right there. Sorry.

Kelly.

Doug, what are you doing here?

I just have to... Hi, Bill.

Deacon dragged me down
here to find you.

What?

Yeah, he... he wants
me to tell you that

he... he really wants to
go back to counseling.

You can tell him I'm
having a great time.

And that just 'cause
he's jealous,

doesn't mean he can come down here
and try and make everything ok.

Go tell him that.

Sorry again. Oh, look out.

X. X. L.

She said, just 'cause you're
jealous, you can't just run

in there and think
everything's gonna be ok.

Well, tell her that...

Tell her I'm sorry.

Tell her I miss her.

I miss the way she
puts ice in her soup

and moves her lips
slightly when she reads.

I miss the way she puts on
my robe to go get the mail.

I... I just want to tell her I love her
every night before we go to sleep again.

That's going to be way
better comin' from you.

All right. Just go.

I'm very sorry. Believe me.
I know, I know,

I would be mad at
me at this point.

Hey, you.

Get outta there!

Go away, go away. Shoo.
Very sorry.

Deacon wanted me to tell you...

Doug, leave them alone.

I just have one more thing
to say from Deacon.

You know, I should
probably just go.

Bill, just sit down and
eat your peanut chews.

I can't believe you
brought him down here.

He wanted to come, he's
my friend, I'm sorry.

This is the last thing that
Kelly needs right now.

You guys.

Let me just get this out.

He said he misses you,

and he loves the
way you eat soup,

and the way you wear his robe
when you go to get the mail.

And you... you do something weird
with your lips when you read.

But in a good way.

Bottom line:

Yeah, you know, fine, he came
down here because he was jealous.

But it took that to make him
realize how much he loves you.

And how he wants to tell you that
every night for the rest of his life.

You know, maybe you should go.

Yeah.

This was fun.

Excuse me. Excuse me.
Coming through.

Oh, oh, oh, Bill, Bill.

You know, I'm having this
thing with my computer.

It freezes up every... You know what?
I'll call you.

I'll call you.

My bad, my bad.

Hi.

Hi.

Did you really mean
what Doug said?

If he got it right, then...
then, yeah.

You know what? We're gonna go.

Yeah, come on,
come on, let's go.

Sorry. Ok, all right.

Sorry about that.

I ain't a gummy bear.

S-so you want to sit down
and watch the movie?

Ok.

And after that I... I
really want to talk.

Ok.

Ok.

You know, maybe we should...

Ok.

Oh, for God's sake, you took
another expired coupon.

Are you stupid, or can you
just not read a calendar?

Oh. I wonder what today is?

It's the 48th of January.

Sorry. Here.

King-size kit Kat bars for free.

You know where I might... might
be a good place to eat that?

In the unemployment line!

Adios, patchy!