The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 1, Episode 6 - Head First - full transcript

- Morning, Dad.
- Morning.

Where did you get
the Wall Street Journal?

Oh, from the what-do-you-call-it?

The neighbour's porch?

- Right.
- You stole their newspaper?

I did not steal it.

It is a well-known principle
of common law

that any newspaper not taken inside
by 7:30 a. m. is free game!

It's 7:15.

They're dead asleep. I checked.

Season 1 Episode 6
"Head First"



Oh, man, where is Sara?
We're gonna be so late.

- Where are you guys headed tonight?
- Rhonda Levine's bachelorette party.

- I thought you went to that weeks ago.
- No, that was her engagement party.

Then next week
I'm throwing her a bridal shower,

and a week from Saturday's
the rehearsal dinner,

and then I'm a bridesmaid
in her wedding,

and then, with any luck at all,
I'll never have to see her again.

So, what kind of bachelorette party
this gonna be tonight, huh?

Rowdy? Lot of drinking?

Well, I certainly hope so.

- Stripper?
- God willing.

Oh, well, do yourself a favour and
don't judge his body based on mine.

- Because it's not fair to him.
- Right. I won't, I won't.

- By the way, you have a few singles?
- That's very funny, yeah.



Hi. Oh, no, no, Carrie,
don't get him worked up.

You're gonna make us late.

Me? Do you know how late we are
because of you?

Okay, so you had the bigger room
growing up, get over it.

Let's just go. I'm parked out front.

- Okay, bye.
- What are you gonna do tonight?

I'm just going to Cooper's.
Shoot some pool.

- Okay, well, have fun. Okay, bye.
- Bye, bye, bye.

Thank God it's Friday.

I thought the weekend
would never get here.

So where we off to tonight, kids?
Jazz at the Cotton Club?

Prize-fight at the Yankee Stadium?

It is Friday, right?

Yeah, just not in the year
that you think.

Oh, well, whatever you kids
are into is fine,

just as long as we have some fun.

So how about it, let's 23 skidoo!

Actually, Dad, Sara and I
are going to a bachelorette party,

and Doug's gonna hang out
with some of his friends.

We didn't know that you were
expecting to go out tonight.

Well, just a lifetime of habit,
I suppose.

Friday night, big night.

Well, anyway, you kids have fun.

I'm gonna head back down and see if I
can't get that heater to stop leaking

methane gas once and for all.

Oh, God, you guys, I feel so bad.

He's been so lonely
since Tessie died.

I know.
And he put on Canoe and everything.

I'm gonna go wait in the car.

Doug, you don't suppose
that you could take him with you?

Carrie, it's my one night out
with the guys.

You're right, you're right. I'm sorry.

- He'll be fine.
- I know, I know.

- Okay, have a good time. Bye.
- Have fun.

Arthur!

So I'm telling her, I said,

"Look, lady, I just need you
to sign for the package", right?

"I'm not allowed to come inside."

And then, I swear to God,
her robe just opens.

- What? Get out of here!
- Come on.

I'm telling you. She pulls the sash,
the thing opens, boom.

I'm staring right
at Simon and Garfunkel.

- Oh, man, I would've gone for it.
- You would have run away screaming.

Hey, I get hit on a lot at work, okay?

What, when they're buying
subway tokens

they fondle your hand
through the little slot?

Yeah, your mother does.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Would you let me
finish my story, please?

I'm trying to look
like I'm not rattled.

Hey, Doug. Where's
the old man?

Oh, there he is.
Let me go wrangle him, huh?

Arthur, come on, let's go.
We got a booth.

What kind of joint is this, anyway?
One of those private after-hour clubs?

It's just a place we hang out.

Cops ever come in and bust it up?

It's a restaurant. Come on.

- That's my marker, gentlemen!
- Okay.

Let's go grab a seat, huh?
We're gonna have a nice meal.

Get you a stiff drink.
We're gonna be fine.

Here you go.
You get to sit right there.

These the same fellas
who were in the car with us?

- Same ones. Okay, where was I?
- Robe.

Her robe's open, right?

She's got my pen.
So I'm looking at her, like:

"Lady, if you don't sign for the package,
I'm gonna have to call my supervisor."

You're gonna call O'Boyle.

He would've been there in five minutes
with his pants down.

- O'Boyle? Who's O'Boyle?
- He's our boss at work.

So anyway, robe's open,
completely open, she's got the pen.

- An Irishman?
- Who?

O'Boyle. He an Irishman?

Yeah, I guess so.
So what? It doesn't matter.

I fought in the Battle of the Bulge
with an Irishman.

His name was O'Shannon.

Saw him get his nose
shot right off his face.

Choked to death on his own blood,
screaming for his mother.

Oh, but we saved
your precious Europe!

- I think your pool table's open. Yeah.
- Is it?

This one's for O'Shannon!

- I'm sorry about him.
- No, it's fine.

- Don't worry about it.
- Yeah.

It's not like he lives
in your house or anything.

Funny, you're funny.
Will you guys shut up?

I got like a two-minute window here.
I can tell you this, all right?

I had a marker down.
This is my table now.

What marker?
What're you talking about?

Right here.

That's a nickel.
It's four quarters to play the table.

Excuse me.

Looks like you missed.

Now get off my table unless you feel
like dancing with the snowman!

I'm not gonna get
to finish this story, am I?

What a man, what a man, what a man
What a mighty good man

I thought that guy really had us,
Douglas,

but you lost him
with that nifty driving of yours.

What do you call that manoeuvre,
anyway?

A right turn.

What a night we had, Carrie.

Bar fight, Car chase,
topped off by a fine dinner at--

- What was that place, Douglas?
- White Castle.

Well, I'm glad you had fun, Dad.

Listen, it's pretty late,
why don't you head on down to bed.

Well, I'm pretty wired,
but that's what the pills are for.

Douglas, you're a good boy.

Oh, you took him anyway.
That was so sweet.

- Yeah, yeah.
- Was it terrible?

Well, he's quite a cupcake.

Well, thank you.
Thank you very, very, very much.

I love you, I love you, I love you.

Had a couple drinks, did you?

I don't know what gets into
your father sometimes, you know?

He's like a boxer
that doesn't hear the bell.

You hit something there.

Saucy.

Wow, you've learned me.

Where we going, upstairs?

Be gentle.

- Hey.
- What's up, Deac?

I got your jacket.
You left it at Cooper's last night.

Thank you.

You're awfully chipper for a guy

who was chased out of a bar
making girly noises.

So pancake? Waffle?
How about a pancake-waffle combo?

Huh, what do you say?
Like, a "paffle"?

Yeah, any of that's fine.

So seriously, man,
what's this good mood all about?

Nothing special.

No, come on. What?

When Carrie saw that I'd taken
Arthur out with us last night,

she was, how shall I say,
appreciative.

You had sex.

Sort of.
Certainly was in the sex family.

What do you mean?

Let's just say that last night
was Doug time.

- Oh, you mean-?
- That's right, my friend.

Mazel tov.

I guess it goes to show you that it pays
to be nice to your wife's father, huh?

Yeah, maybe I'll try that.

I know begging and crying
haven't worked.

Dad, could you grab me
the blue package in the back seat?

No, the blue one.

That's not the blue one.

Oh, that's not the back seat.

Okay, that's not our car!

Fine, just bring me that.

- Hey, Deac. Hey, honey.
- All this stuff for the bridal shower?

Yes, and I still have to pick up
the cake and the wine,

and bring Dad
to the eye doctor by 11.

I should have never agreed
to throw this stupid party.

Well, Car, you know what?

If you want, I can take your father
to the eye doctor.

If it's something
you might appreciate.

That's great, hon. Thanks.

That didn't land, did it?

- Nope.
- Yeah.

How do these figure
into the bridal shower?

Give me that! Thank you.

Look, Dad, I have to run back out.

Doug's gonna take you to the eye
doctor, okay? I'll see you later.

Bye, hon. Thanks.

- Carrie!
- What?

I might take your father
out for ice cream too.

Yes!

Okay, great. Bye.

You know what? Maybe
we'll do dinner and

I'll take him to a
show, just him and me.

It'll inconvenience me,
but I'm gonna do it!

Honey?

We're gonna have some
good times, you and me.

Two bucks. Too rich for my blood.

I'm out too.

Call.

Aces up.

Read them and weep. Trip threes.

- Oh, man!
- Will you shut up? Arthur will hear us.

- Who cares?
- I care, okay?

I haven't been able
to shake the guy all week.

He came with me to the dentist,
Motor Vehicle Bureau.

He even came up with nicknames
we're supposed to call each other.

I'm Scooter, he's Beans.

- I'm going crazy.
- Take it easy.

You know,
you brought this on yourself.

- You know what I'm talking about.
- I know.

You hit the jackpot one night,
and you got greedy.

- You tried to play God.
- I know.

Drop it, all right?

I just wanna have one evening that
doesn't include eating a baked apple

and watching Murder, She Wrote.

Oh, did you see the one last night?
I was so stumped.

- What was that?
- Someone's at the door.

That could be him.
Blow out the candles.

Nobody move.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

I feel like Anne Frank.

- Hey, Scooter, what's going on?
- Hey, Arthur.

Sorry.

Hey, Beans.

What are you playing cards
in the dark?

All right, fellas, the game
is called Kick the Dog.

Threes, sixes, nines, one-eyed jacks,
suicide kings are wild.

Tell you what,
why don't you tell us what's not wild?

That's Fondle the Mailman,
and we're playing that next.

I got five aces,
I don't even have an ace.

No one drop out.

In this game, mostly everyone
winds up with five aces.

Oh, it's almost 10. I should call mom,
tell her I'm gonna be late.

You're gonna be very late.
You're the only one who's winning.

You live with your mother?

Yeah. It's a pain,
but she doesn't drive, so...

So what if she doesn't drive?
The woman can't take a bus?

No, no.

Theoretically, yes,
but she's used to my car.

All right, let's bet.
I go a quarter. Who's in?

- I'll call your ass.
- Yeah, up a quarter.

Let me get this straight.
If you live with your mother--

- Arthur, it's to you.
- I'm very curious.

If you live with your mother,

what do you do when
you have a girl spend the night?

Okay, what do you do when
you have a guy spend the night?

- It's gotta be one or the other!
- A girl! It would be a girl!

Who hasn't bet?

I wanna move out,
but apartments are very expensive.

As it is, we pay 750
for a one-bedroom.

- A one-bedroom?
- I say, who hasn't bet?

- So where do you sleep?
- Arthur.

The living-room sofa pulls out,
that it?

You share a bedroom
with your mother?

Twin beds! Twin beds!

There's an entire night table
between us!

Easy, easy!
I was just making conversation!

All right, who's not in?

You know, I think I better be going.
I have something in my eye.

Could you cash me in?

Cash me in, Scooter!

Take it easy.

I hope his eye's okay.

Well, this game is over.
I'm out of here.

Yeah, me too. You know, I haven't
seen much of my wife this week.

- Wanna go to a strip club?
- Sure.

Okay, the game is called
Spank Your Sister.

Oh, what is this?

Oh, my God, a wig!

Okay, how much do I love this?

Isn't it great?
You can use it to spice things up.

I used to wear one all the time
when I was a slut.

- Yeah?
- Here, open mine.

Oh, my God!

How much do I love this?

What's up, hon?
The poker game over already?

- It is now. Your dad ruined it.
- What did he do?

He got on Spence
about his personal life.

Oh, the virgin thing?

The living-with-his-mother thing.

I gotta say, hon,
they're not completely separate issues.

God! What is he doing to me?
Why can't he just leave me alone?

What are you talking about?

You're the one who invited him
to be your sidekick all week,

taking him to the movies
and the petting zoo.

It's your fault I did that.

Oh, my fault? How is it my fault?

Well, that first night,
when I took him out just to be nice,

you know, you were so...

- So?
- Appreciative.

Appreciative?

Appreciative.

So that's-? Because-?

What are you, a rottweiler?

- What do you want from me?
- You are so pathetic!

Not pathetic. Weak, okay?
There's a difference.

I gotta say, hon, you might be both.

You know what? Maybe I'm both.
I still don't deserve what's happened.

All right, so just tell him to back off
and give you some space.

I can't. He likes me so much now,
it would just kill him.

You tell him.

Me? Why should I kill him?

You're his daughter.
He's used to you causing him pain.

Okay, I will talk to him with you.
You understand? I am there to help.

- Oh, I owe you.
- Don't worry about it.

Oh, no, really, thank you.
You know what?

Maybe later on I'll take you upstairs
and I'll appreciate you.

You know what, hon?
We're gonna have to talk about that.

- Dad, can we talk to you for a minute?
- Sure, sure, come on down.

Nobody squeals like Ned Beatty.

Scoots, I'm glad you're here.
I got three words for you:

Working dude ranch.

Get back to me with some dates.
I cleared out August.

Right.

Actually, Dad, that's kind of what
we wanted to talk to you about.

What? What do you mean?

Well, you've been spending
a lot of time with Doug lately.

Great time, by the way. Lot of fun.

And we were thinking, you know,

maybe you could do
some other things with your time.

- Like what?
- I don't know.

Things that don't involve Doug.

What? What is this about?
Doug, what does she mean?

I'm not quite sure.
Where you headed with this, honey?

Listen to me, Dad.

Doug doesn't want you to spend
so much time with him.

Do you understand?

Oh, I know what this is.

You're trying to drive
a wedge between us.

You're threatened
by Doug's love for me!

Nope, nope. Not really.

Then I don't get it.

You're the one who courted me.

He's the one who courted me.

Why did you invite me everywhere
if you didn't want me around?

- Tell the man, Doug.
- Yeah, tell me.

Why?

All right, the game
is San Diego Scooby-Doo.

Three decks, we use all the jokers
and instruction cards.

So, Richie,

Scooter says you're not
the brightest bulb on the tree.

I would have gotten
my own place a long time ago

but what with Dad gone,
and Mom unable to drive,

I pretty much have to live with her.
I mean, what's the alternative, right?

Well, you could get your own place

and she could use taxis
and public transportation?

I'm gonna go inside now.